MTV's super sweet 16 is just so appalling. Brats, they're all brats. They're all more or less the same: attention-seeking, vain, whiny, ungrateful brats. I've yet to see one of these rich kids be decent and nice and respectful. Not in the least! And they're so unbelievably rude to their parents (I suppose it's their parent's fault.). One minute they'll be 'I love you Dad (for giving me a 100 bucks)' and the next they'll say, 'I wish I could punch you in the face.' WHAT. Excuse me, you want to punch your dad who's paying for your hundred over hairdo?! These kids need a good spanking. They need to be thrown in the cupboard with the spiders for a week.

How come all these ungrateful, disgusting brats get all the nice things and the truly nice, good kids are sometimes without parents and live to eat broth every day (think Oliver Twist)? There is truly no justice in this world. My mum used to tell me, 'It doesn't matter if you cry, but never make your mother or father cry.' (Only it sounds better in malay: Biar kita nangis, jangan mak kita nangis.) I can't believe they treat their parents like that. Sometimes I wonder if it's all a set up; a show. It gets me so worked up. I especially can't stand how all of them want to be the centre of attention: 'I want to walk in there and I want all eyes on me. It's my party.' UGH. I'm short of wanting them dead, really.

200 000 dollars for a stupid party where people just flirt and mingle and waste their time doing mindless, useless things. God knows that much money can be used in a much, much better way. Can't you just spend a little less on a get-together, with people who actually know you?

The world has gone to the dumps. Or perhaps it has always been that way.

I have got the moe approval and will be going to east coast primary on the first day of school to start work. It's a bit hard to believe. Sometimes I can picture myself doing this very well, but mostly I'm afraid that as soon as I step into any classroom, the kids will sense my... Fear is not what it is. My gullibility, more like. And think, 'Hey, a teacher who can be bullied!' Gah. I will not let that happen! WILL NOT WILL NOT. I will be strict and bad and mean, if they get naughty. And I can be mean, and I have been. To my sister and my brother. And I shall wedge all that anger from the past and channel it into this new stern and fierce me. And I shall wear heels even if I will get blisters walking to and from the school.

I remember how I used to pinch my brother to death last time, whenever he annoyed me. I had a very powerful, painful pinch. And I also used to pull at the collar of his shirt whenever he tried to run from me. The collar of his Jurassic park t-shirt stretched so much, it reached to below his chest. Ah, the old days of physical violence. But with my sister, I would make her cry just by talking. Or, we would mess up each other's tables.



I finished Arthur the King by Allan Massie and love the way he writes!!! So nice.

Only those whose faces have been rubbed in the mire, and who have eaten of the bread of desolation, are fit to sit on high.

I have learned that hardship is the proper school of excellence.

I agree very much. It's like what I said about being on the boundaries the other time. You just have to know how the other side feels, you know, before you become all mighty and rule over them. King Arthur is a good example: scrawny abused boy to most legendary British King.

Take this other quote about prophets, from Hadith.

The prophet Yusuf was once asked, "Why are you hungry when you are in charge of the treasures of the Earth?" He replied,"I fear that I will become full and so forget the hungry person!" ~ Ash-Shifa of Qadi' Iyad

Am bored. So here come those quizzes.

Shamiah, your true color is Green!

You're green, the color of growth and vigor. Good-hearted and giving, you have a knack for finding and bringing out the best in people. Green is the most down-to-earth color in the spectrum — reliable and trustworthy. People know they can count on you to be around in times of need, since your concern for people is genuine and sincere. You take pride in being a good friend. For you, success is measured in terms of personal achievement and growth, not by status or position. Rare as emeralds, greens are wonderful, natural people. It truly is your color!

Okay, there were six of us down there fishing. The climb down there was no easy task, I tell you. Am the one with the grey tudung. And I didnt catch my fish here. Moved somewhere else before I did.

Have actually been back for some time now but have had no inclination to blog or visit the net. Had a very memorable time in Malaysia. I really like going there. All prices are halved due to currency difference and almost all food is halal. Bliss. Kenny Rogers, for instance. Why is it that I always have to wait for a holiday to taste that fantastic black pepper chicken, with that mashed potato, macaroni and cheese, and awesome muffin. Sigh. Not to mention the very convenient suraus. Sometimes I think I'd like living there. Sometimes.

First of all, went to Alor Setar, Kedah, for an overnight stay. Walked till feet ached like mad. Went to an Arab Cafe to rest, and the rain started pouring in buckets. I swear, buckets. It is no wonder Kedah is flooded now. It'd be terribly hot in the early afternoon, but near evening it'd be a near storm. We were stuck at the cafe, and the owner shockd me with his gorgeous blue eyes. He was Lebanese if I'm not wrong. Had absolutely scrumptious drinks - I had some iced mocha.

Unbeknownst to my mother and sister, whose birthday it was, my dad and I had planned to surprise them with a birthday cake at dinner. Back at the hotel, we had lobster and delicious fish munierre (We all had triple helpings) and then the staff dimmed the lights, and they came in singing and carrying the birthday cake. My mum was stunned. Duh. Nothing like this ever happened before. It was all 'Take picture! Take picture!' (Am in post Army Daze phase right now. Just bought it on vcd.) And the three of us siblings gave my mum the expensive Chomel brooch we got her. It was a very fun night.

The next few days was Pedu time. We went up to some ulu hutan (jungle) place in Kedah, to a secluded resort near a lake. And my, was it secluded. To get there, we had to drive 2 hours from the city centre, along some winding forest road. Don't think I have ever been further from civilisation before. It was like something out of 'I Still Know What You Did Last Summer'. A deserted area, with a handful of staff members at the lobby. We saw only few other visitors. And there was no handphone reception. I think if there was a murder on the lose at that place, we'd all be half rotting by the time the police decided to investigate. So... we sort of had the whole place to ourselves, which was wonderful. The resort spanned acres, I think, but because it was no longer popular, some parts have been cordoned off. The rooms were individual huts amongst forest trees and barely-paved walkways. It was so cool. To get to one place to another, one had to use buggys. I loved it there. There was a nice bridge too, across the lake, and the view was gorgeous. And have I mentioned that it was so peaceful? It was a true quiet. I dont think you can get such quiet anywhere in the city. Now that I am recounting this, I am just dying to hear that silence again.

Anyway, had such a great time there in Pedu. I went fishing. I actually went fishing!!! This is a big deal for me. Never did it before. And I caught a fish! Albeit a small one, but still! My brother caught five, but whatever. At first, we had no success whatsoever, until we moved some place else and the moment I put the bait in, I felt a tug, and lo and behold, I got my fish! I cannot recall its name though.

We also played table tennis (once again, the first time ever) and pool. And karaoke. As expected we had the whole lounge to ourselves. Sang a threesome with sis and Said: Westlife's "If I Let You Go". Haha. Found future Singapore Idol in Hussein (whose rendition of Manbai's Kau Ilhamku is better than the original, I swear), and Ami Man sings darn well too. And we had hotel food for every meal of the day there, seeing as how there's no other eating place in sight. Food was good.

After Kedah, Pedu and all, we came down to familiar KL. Bukit Bintang. Had Kenny Rogers as mentioned before. Shopping like mad. Masjid India. Petaling Street where I bought my 40 ringgit Adidas shoes. Then of course, we met my counsin's family: Kak Warda, Abang Zamri and Luth! Luth is one and a half now and so adorable, I can hardly stand it. He's almost talking and babbles a lot, and likes to play peek-a-boo with practically anyone. And he played with my Elsie! He bent down near Elsie's head, and whispered hi! It was so cute, I think I squealed when he did it. Then had exorbitant family dinner at Pha-Pha Thai Seafood Restaurant. The food was just fabulous. Steamed sea bass, pandan chicken, and hot tom yam. And I actually loved the asparagus. Since when has vege appealed to me.

And then of course, we had Berjaya Times Square Indoor Themepark. Took craziest ride I ever had in my life. I cant possibly describe it properly. It's like a 360 degrees viking. Screamed (sampai anak tekak nak tercabut you) like I never did before. Took the wipe out ride too, and that one gave me a headache cause they spinned too much and I was trying to keep my blouse down at the same time. The hem was riding up and my tudung was flying so I could barely see. Was half laughing, half screaming for the to stop.

That was mostly it, and I enjoyed it so much. You know, when one goes on holiday, more often than not, what makes it worthwhile is the company more than anything else. And the things that will stick in my head in years to come are more the people I had with me, than for instance, the shopping. Of course, scene of Pedu Lake will stick in my head, perhaps forever, if, god forbid, I don't go senile. But in all, it would have been so much less fun without my crazy, crackpot extended family.

Like the time when we were squashed in the van on the the way to Pedu (and I do mean squashed), and we sang song after song. From Hoobastank to Raihan. The van was running out of petrol, so on the steep slopes of the road, with thick forest of trees on both sides, the van chugged really slowly up. And still we sang. Then there's the late night card games at the boys' room. Zigity, and Old maid, and Bingo. And Ahmad, who can never keep a straight face if he's holding the old maid card. Nuts.

Last night had a very strange dream involving the prom which had just taken place, backstreet boys and Dia. Somehow these famous boys ended up crashing a school get-together. The details have faded from memory, but I vividly recall staring at Kevin from Backstreet, unable to believe that I was a metre away from a full-fledged celebrity. Very amusing.

Feel like I might burst out crying. It's not that I'm sad, but I'm scared. To have something so close and fear that it might all slip away. Imagining that slipping away just clamps me up. And am so, so desperate right now. Anything, anything. I want it so much but I don't even know if it's good for me.

God, I need a windfall. Give me a bag of gold. Please.

On other things: Leaving for Kedah on Friday night. For a week or so, it's not so fixed. And am aslo getting new specs. My old ones are so lose, they won't stay on my nose and everytime I look down it slips off. It went into my bowl of soup more than once before.

Celebrated duck's birthday today. Went to her house and played pictionary, mystery at hogwarts (Eunice won) and Game of Life (I won! Accumulated $1,343,000). Then we watched fastforwarded PoA movie - a repeat of last year. Gave her the sock of presents. Now, why would the body shop gift be solely my idea? Then we had Hazelnut cake, which was nice! I like hazelnuts. Time with friends just passes waaaaay too fast, I say.

Ever since exams have ceased, I have been going out almost constantly it seems. Have lunch out at Secret Recipe tomorrow. And am off to Malaysia on friday night. And of course, prom on Wednesday. I am not excited about it whatsoever. How sad.

Okay, my brother just got back home. It's past midnight. And he claims he heard si ditu mengilai at the carpark. Freaky. Now I can't sleep with my night light off tonight. This is why I always walk home from the interchange when I get back home late. If I take the bus, I have to pass by the carpark. Some people find it really strange that I'd rather walk. But I dont want to risk anything. One story too many already.

Just finished HBP for the second time 15 minutes ago. Can't help it. Dumbledore dying is just too sad. Although I am sure that Dumbledore has died (whatever Dumbledoreisnotdead.com might insist) and will not make a comeback like Gandalf. I am now also even more inclined to disbelieve Snape's treachery. I really don't think he's evil. There are a lot of grey things about him.

He apparently did not know about the Vanishing cabinets, since Draco did not tell him about that, so it possible he had no hand in the attack. He continuously blocked Harry's hexes and did not retaliate. He has the Unbreakable Vow which might have been the thing that compelled him to finish Draco's task. And there's the argument with Dumbledore that he had, that is as yet unexplained. All in all, there is still a very high possibilty that Snape was working on Dumbledore's orders and still is. Maybe Dumbledore knew he was going to die anyway or something and wanted Snape to kill him to prove Snape's loyalty to Voldemort.

And, how could Dumbledore have been so wrong? Such a wise man and such a grave mistake.

Speaking of Dumbledore, I think I know one person in real life who is like Dumbledore; who represented the same thing. Amir Fadl (a leader of a community of people in Egypt and a rich oil magnate). I remember when I met Amir in Egypt how terrified I was that he could read my mind, or something. I know it sounds stupid, but he seems the kind of person who can see right through anything and read beyond each of your actions. And you know how Dumbledore seems to be all-knowing, and seems to grasp the true essence of a person. And how everyone trusts his judgement. The same goes for Amir. How, for us, if we argue over something, we'll say: Ask Amir. Because he will surely know the answer. And if Amir welcomes someone, everyone does the same thing.

And after all that, after all his greatness and intellectual and societal status, he can seem shockingly ordinary, for lack of better word. Maybe his modesty makes him so. I remember when he walked past me to get to his car, and everyone was watching him go and trying to get a glimpse of him even or hold his hand, he had time to say to me, 'See you soon.' I was utterly taken aback. (And my family did get audience with him before we left for home.)

I think it is rare to find a true and natural leader. While Dumbledore, and also Lymond, is fictional, Amir Fadl is not. And I get to see first hand how a person can attract followers to himself by requiring no effort but being his own self. How his every word carries such weight and importance. How he exudes wisdom and authority. And how everyone just cannot help but respect and admire him, and eventually love him. It is leadership at its best. Understanding this, it makes me appreciate better the impact of Dumbledore's leave.

I wanted to paste a hari raya pic! Cause I didn't write anything at all about raya here... This is at Babawok's (granny's) house on the first day. The bedroom became a changing room and also a studio where Abah tied the sarban for all my uncles and boy cousins, and cameras kept flashing. Haha. I couldn't study at all. Recall reading just one page of chemistry.

Had Physics S paper today. Feel distinction is out of reach. Please, please let it still be possible! S papers - they just make me feel like banging head against wall repeatedly.

Been addicted to Dia, indonesian soap opera. One and a half hour of it every single weekday. Am becoming seriously obsessed. It's stupid really. Nothing good happens and the characters just keep getting hurt. So frustrating. There have been two accidents and two young healthy men have died. 3 marriages are crumbling, parents of the characters are dying and two people are going to end up in asylum. Haha. It's a mad story. But you know how series are... You get addicted to the characters. Plot gets flushed down the drain but still you watch.

I was thinking about being 'on the boundaries' the other day. What I mean by this, is being close enough to something else that is not your world so that you can appreciate what you possess better. For instance, like being rich. Wealthy people need to see how it is to not have luxury to be happy with the money that they have. And intelligent people need to see less fortunate individuals to be thankful with what they've been given. And I'm happy because as far as I know, I've had the experience of being on the boundary for almost every aspect I can think of. I'm not saying my family was broke last year or anything, but at least I have been exposed, you know? I'm thankful that my parents have shown me such things. Yes, everyone knows there are starving people in the world. But knowing is different from seeing, and seeing different from helping or reaching out, and all these entirely different from the experience itself.

For instance, for me, there's Pakcik Mail. A family friend in Kelantan, who has a family of what, 13 kids? And all he does is grow fruits (mangosteens, durians and rambutans) and drive a van. And he's happy. His family lives a simple life. And I've been to their kampung house a number of times since I was 11, and I've always loved it. From them is how I know a life of simplicity. One should always endeavour to venture to the other side to see if there is greener grass elsewhere, or to just simply appreciate different kinds of grass. Haha.

I should be studying for bio... But msn is distracting. Conspiracies arise. I was reading HBP recently and came across Luna's Rotfang conspiracy again and burst out laughing! Gosh, she is hilarious. Bring down the ministry with magic and gum disease indeed.

It's been raining all day. And somehow, it doesn't feel quite like Singapore. The weather plays a big role, it seems. I stepped out onto the balcony this morning and it was cold. The tiles were especially cold. And we didn't switch on any fans. Feels nice.

Freaking out about S papers. I look at Bio and just go @_@. Everytime, I sort of try to pick out which topics I will mug, but then realise that I need to mug about at least five things in depth to be safe. It just makes me want to growl. So frustrating.

No mood to blog. Or mug. Or do anything. Zonked out I am.

I am a nincompoop.

Sigh.

3 days down.

Having sporadic nervous breakdowns. I'll not know how to do a math question and then whine about it endlessly, and go into minor depression (on top of an already, seemingly, perpetual morose state).

On a lighter note, finished reading DV 16. (Might have spoilers, beware. Just in case you read it.) I must say that I expected more powwow from it. Okay, I'm happy that a happy ending is in prospect, but it didn't have the emotional impact that I always hope to get from good stories. I think Cassie's talent lies more in her development of character (which is so fantastic that numerous people love her Draco despite how disgusting a character he is in canon) but not in her plot endings. Her wrap-ups do not live up to her standard. I think, even in DS, the ending was pretty abrupt, and like all 'Huh, that's it? Okay...' But overall, the story's still pretty good, and extremely exciting. And Draco said a line that made me squeal and chuckle at the same time. The part where Ginny asked why he kissed her when she was sleeping, and he replied: 'I was confusing the issue.' Hah! That, I say, is so Cassie's Draco.

Back to reality, I still have loads to memorise. And now that I've seen how the bio paper looks like, I am, simply put, terrified. I really wish Hari Raya was after all this crap, so I can enjoy myself tomorrow.

FINALLY. DT update! Yay.

Anyway, helped make ketupats today and watched loads of tv while helping out and did very minimal math. Feel guilty, but sort of happy too. Because helping out makes me feel the hari raya mood. And god, how I wish I could enjoy it to my heart's content. Been watching more malay tv shows too. Watched 'Gila-gila Pengantin Remaja' which was ridiculous, but entertaining. (Where Zed Zaidi was the bad, arrogant guy. Aw.) And watched Cinta Madinah for the last two nights. (Wardinah is so superbly pretty, I can't stand it.)

Am wondering how to wish everyone I know hari raya and ask for forgiveness without it seeming fake and obligatory instead of sincere.

Little more than a week left. Trying to always stay calm.

I did not register for Dec SAT II. Am effectively eliminating US overseas study. And sometimes I wake up and think, 'Oh no, have I done something stupid?' It's the first big option that I have eliminated since trying to decide what to do post A-levels. Honestly, this is terrifying. It's like I'm blindly opening doors and shutting some in a dark tunnel, not knowing where it'll lead me. (Stupid imagery again.)

Have decided, sort of, what to do (I think). If I get Cambridge, I'll go there of course. If I get Edinburgh instead, I'll go there, but only with scholarship (so have to go hunting for one. Think it'd be either Mendaki, MOE or MCYS). If not, then I'll try for Medicine in NUS where I plan to eventually sepcialise in psychological medicine. If I don't get that either, I'll try to do a double degree (a part of me insists this is a mad plan): BSc in Life sciences with concentration in Biomedical Sciences and and BA/BSocSc in Psych. I have yet to decide which will be my first degree. (Because NUS website says that if I fail to get a 4.0 GPA in any of the two courses, I'd have to drop the second degree.) And I have to ask the faculty for permission to do double degree too. Oh, what a hassle. But since NUS does not offer things like a Neuroscience and Psychology course, I have to work around it. -_-

Seems like an okay plan. For now. I am tired of thinking about what to do.

Oh, went to look at my SATI essay. I remember saying that I thought I had gone completely off topic, but it seems I hadn't. I scored a 10 again. Don't I wish this is how they mark GP.

Feel like screaming. I am envisioning myself walking to the edge of a cliff (like the one I went to in Albany, Australia) and screaming heart out and stamping feet like mad. It's so horrible that I have no outlet for frustration and anger. And sometimes putting it in words is not enough. And screaming into pillow is just not satisfying either.

So unfair!!! Why is everything so unfair! How come there are always lucky people who get to have everything: intelligence, money, good looks and charm to bring them virtually anywhere they want. (Reminded of Lymond. But at least he's fictional!)

Here words fail me because all I can do is make incomprehensible noises of frustration.

NUS has BEYOND ANNOYED ME. The courses in the science faculty is so boring. (Or maybe it seems so compared to all the other prospectuses I looked at.) But really. My passions will be killed. UGH. GAH. UGH!!!

After saying how I find it hard to talk, almost my whole dream last night was about me talking my heart out. Interesting. I was sitting on my bed and talking and talking and talking. At one point, I think I was talking about dogs. Another part of dream involved Ami Ali and Abah holding discussion and me listening. I know the discussion involved TJC, flats, Geylang and the Malay community. And at one point, I found myself running through corridor of flats and away from a face I can no longer recall, but I knew I didn't know the person. Very freaky, that - dreaming of a nameless face. Then I started talking on my bed again. It was nice. I was just spouting words. And received appropriate nods and smiles.

Hm. Dreams. If we could only begin to understand them.

Got this quizzie from yu jie! Feel like doing it.

1. ARE YOU OVER 18? 6 months over 18

2. WHAT IS THE WALLPAPER ON YOUR CELLPHONE? A Dumbledore potterpuff

3. DID YOU GET ENOUGH SLEEP LAST NIGHT? Yes

4a. FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MORNING WHEN YOU WOKE UP? Why is the phone ringing so early in the morning?! -_- It's umi asking me to pass food to nani kala.

4b. FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT ABOUT YESTERDAY MORNING WHEN YOU WOKE UP? Gasp. Interview!

5. WHAT DO YOU HAVE HANDY ON YOUR TABLE? Laptop, worksheets all over the place, letters...

6. GRILLED OR FRIED? Grilled.

7. WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE? Uh... I'm the only 145 cm Malay-Indian-Arab Bafadhal for possibly kilometres around?

8. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? Don't think so. Unless my imagination runs a bit wild.

9. FAVORITE HANGOUT? Uh... cinema? Haha. Library!

10. 3 THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT? Books, eyesight aid (either contacts or glasses) and laptop

11. FIRST THING YOU WILL BUY IF GIVEN 1 THOUSAND DOLLARS? Wahahaha. Digicam. Or uh... some photo-editing program... or an electronic dictionary.

12. FAVORITE SONG WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPY? Can't think of one. Les Choristes soundtrack perhaps?

13. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? My evil side. And, oh, roaches of course.

14. ARE YOU A GIVER OR TAKER? Hm. Frankly, I'm not sure. More of giver?

15. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Sham, Miah, ShamB, Vult...

16. WHAT IS YOUR DAD'S MIDDLE NAME? Razak.

17. MOST RECENT MOVIE THAT YOU WATCHED? Corpse Bride.

18. STUCK ON A DESERTED ISLAND & COULD HAVE ONLY ONE KIND OF FOOD FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Brownies and ice cream.

19. FAVORITE T.V. COMMERCIAL? The Brad Pitt-Heineken one.

20. FIRST THING YOU'LL SAVE IN A FIRE? Elsie. HAHA. Or maybe laptop. Oh, I dont know.

21. YOUR EYE COLOR? Blackish-brown? Not sure.

22. WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS BRING? Handphone, wallet and something to read while in transit.

23. WHAT DID YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? Doctor, biochemist. (Now I don't know what I want to be. Everything seems wrong.)

24. WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO WHEN THE CLOCK TURNS 7 AM? Sleeping if there's no school, and on the train if there's school.

25. THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEET? Green and pink right now.

26. WHO DO YOU WANT TO MEET? Many people. Rowling, the HP movie cast, Dunnett (wish she was still alive), Philippa Gregory, Keanu Reeves, M. Night Shyamalan, Sigmund Freud (though I'd be a bit scared), Carl Jung, Da Vinci, my grandfathers both of whom I haven't really met, and great grandfather from Yemen and Prophet Muhammad pbuh, among many others.

27. HOW'S LIFE TODAY? Quite horrid. Went to school for GP revision lecture but it was so crowded I couldn't get in. Then moped around a lot, and went home and moped some more. And then my nike shoes finally gave way - the sole came off and I had to cut it to be able to walk properly. Generally wasted a lot of time. What's wrong with me.

*** A continuation...

1. Whose picture is it that you keep on your wallet? Birds, Sis and me.

2. What time do you go to bed? Varies. Depends on what I'm doing. Average time: 11.45 pm

3. What was the last thing you did before filling this survey? Chatted to friends. Before that, sembahyang terawih.

4. Who's the one you always meet the most? Sister.

5. Who's the person you're gonna call if you need help? Depends on what kind of help. Serious problems: parents and family. Other personal stuff: friends. birds, mostly.

6. What's on your mind right now? My back aches. When is this quiz ending... (I should be studying!)

8. With whom do you wanna be to have fun? The B! (Same answer as duckie. :))

9. What movie do you wanna watch now? Zorro the Sequel!!! And oh, GoF too.

10. When was the last time you went out? Yesterday, after interview. With sis. We took neoprint.

11. What do you hate the most for now? Exams and university applications. And stupid cca record.

12. When was the first time you slept alone? What do you mean alone?! In a room? Or in a house? In a room would be when I was about 5 and all I had was a small night light. I was a brave kid. Haha.

13. What do you want to do for now? Sleep.

14. What do you do everyday besides eat and sleep? Try to study everyday (note the word try) and surf the net and watch tv and read something.

15. Favourite pet? Don't have one. Unless you count fake animals. Then it'd be Elsie my lamb.

17. Colours that make you happy? Pastel colours. (I notice certain question numbers are missing... hm.)

19. What was the last thing you bought for your room? Wow. Cannot recall. Everything's so old.

21. Do you cook? No. Umi complains. I should learn soon.

22. Miss someone? I miss the B! (Same as Duckie. Me too! And Mumu. And cousins. Abah's side. Haven't met them in ages.)

23. Plan to buy something? Not really... Books again?

24. Are you satisfied with your life now? Okaylah... I have what I need. I just wish I knew what I want.

25. Do you like seafood? Love it! Prawns especially, and crabs and sotong and cockles.

26. Breakfast or dinner? Dinner I think.

27. What do you usually eat for breakfast? Uh... it's never fixed. But more often than not, it's eggs.

28. Did you eat breakfast today?I had sahur (before fasting meal). Which was last night's dinner - fish and prawns.

29. Do you recycle? Not really. Although my family reuses old newspapers: we lay sheets of newspaper on the floor, over which we sit and eat our food.

30. Do you have a laptop? Yes. Compaq.

31. What's your favorite fast food? Hm. Think it's cheese fries. But could be cheeseburger too.

32. Cats or dogs? Cats - since dogs are haram for me, and their barkings normally scare me to pieces.

33. Salty or sweet? Sweet I think.

34. City or country? Think I'd like country better.

35. What's your favorite kind of jeans? Any kind.

36. Is kissing normal for your age? Can't really comment. Haha. Haram for me. And besides have no one but lamb to kiss, and sister has outgrown too much to be kissed. Otherwise, apparently kissing's supposed to be normal in secular society if you're 18.

37. Are you athletic? No... Everything went down the drain when I failed to be normal in height. Although did participate in run in Pri 6.

38. Do you swear? Yes. Quite badly. Some people will be very surprised to hear this.

39. Would you ditch your friends for a date? Never put in such a situation before. (Same answer as Duckie.) But really, why can't you just arrange date on different day?

42. Ever had a crush on a teacher? Eh... Nope.

43. Coke or pepsi? Coke.

44. Sugar or spice? What kind of crappy question is this. Spice.

45. Can you use chopsticks? Not really. Can pick up some big things though.

46. Do you like to read for pleasure? What kind of mad question is this?!?! DEFINITELY A YES.
47. Do you care about getting good grades? Unfortunately, yes. It gets you places. Although I hate the fact that society is starting to measure a person's worth by his or her grades.

48. Have you ever slept during a lesson? Almost did in religious class. EVIL I am. Haha. Khalil Maun was just droning on and on and on... I think I almost did for physics too.

49. Get a job or ask your parents for money? Job.

50. Is your dad strict? Yes.

51. Do your parents give you enough privacy? Enough. Yes. No one reads my diary I trust, although there's no padlock on it.

52. Do your parents trust you? Yes.

53. Would you trade places (in life) with your best friends..? No.

54. Does your best friend get on your nerves? Have a few good friends. And sometimes friends do get on your nerves. Only you try not to scream at them so much. It's part of parcel of loving someone.

55. Do you make friends quickly? Not at all. Sometimes wish I do. I take AGES to warm up.

56. Do you get jealous of your friends? No.

57. Do you tell your mom everything? No. Who does?

58. What do you & your parents fight about the most? Grades. And whole thing about dad picking out husband. Ugh. Don't make me start.

***What, there's more... -_-

1.Name someone with the same birthday as you. If I'm not wrong, David Hume (Scottish phliosopher).

2.Where was your first kiss? Eh? That kind of kiss? Not yet. Otherwise, in the cot. Although you can't possibly trust my memory.

3.Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? No. Pencil scribbles on lecture tables don't count. They can be erased.

4.Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? Brother. Flung him across room once. I'm stronger than I look.

5.Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? Must have at some point in primary school or kindergarten. Performed so many times.

6.What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? Eh. Same thing I notice about anyone? Eyes, I think.

7.What really turns you on? Another 'eh' question. Don't know yet.

8.What do you order at Starbucks? Caramel or mocha frappe. Sinful.

9.What is your biggest mistake? Hm. Don't know. Hating milk? Haha. Maybe being evil to parents sometimes.

10.Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Not physically, no. Although mentally have always imagined clawing my cheek into ribbons when frustrated.

11.Say something totally random about yourself. My skin is so dry, the palms of my hands can make music when rubbed together. (I think I have the most unique palms. Muaha.)

12.Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? Some person called Shamiah Gamal (Riiight. Just because we have same names.) or Sharifah Aini. Ew. I hardly think so.

13.Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows? Sometimes. High Five. Or Hey Arnold.

14.Did you have braces? Yes.

15.Are you comfortable with your height? Learnt to be comfortable, I have. Alah bisa, tegal biasa.

16.What is the sweetest thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you? Hm. Do dads and brothers count here?

17.When do you know it's love? Umi says you'll just know when it's the one. Very helpful.

18.Do you speak any other languages? Besides English, Malay. I can read Arabic, and hope to learn to speak it by next year.

19.Have you ever been to a tanning salon? No. Don't need it either.

20.What magazines do you read? I don't read any diligently, but occasionally read FiRST, Time, Reader's Digest.

29.Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? No.

30.Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? I read Duck's. Haha.

~~~

1. First Name: Shamiah

2. Were you named after anyone? After one of the doors of Masjidil Haram (apparently).

3. Do you wish on stars? Not really. Can't really see that many stars in Singapore.

4. When did you last cry? Today while watching Prozac Nation on Star Movies.

5. Do you like your handwriting? Very proud of it.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Hah. What does this mean. Kari daging.

7. What is your birth date? 29 Apr

8. What is your most embarrassing CD? Don't really buy many cds. Although it could possibly be Calcium Kid starring Orlando Bloom. (Cue: Sister throws tantrum.) I'm kidding, I think.

9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Yes. :)

10. Are you a daredevil? No. Wish I was.

11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? No. As far as I can remember, that is.

12. Do looks matter? Yes, a bit.

13. How do you release anger? Cry. Brood. Or sleep.

14. Where is your second home? I don't want to say school! Euugh.

15. Do you trust others easily? Think so. I like to believe that people are good.

16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Soft toys. They still are. (Elsie! - Okay I've mentioned her at least 3 times I think.)

17. What class in secondary school do you think was totally useless? Social studies.

18. Do you have a journal? Yes. Blog plus a written one since Year 2000.

19. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Occasionally. Especially around dad.

20. Your nicknames? Again?! Vult.

21. Would you bungee jump? At this point, no.

22. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No. Who does? Psycho.

23. Do you think that you are strong? Physically - passably strong. Mentally/Emotionally - Very strong.

25. Shoe Size? 5 or 6

26. Red/Pink? Pink

27. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I find it hard to say what I mean most of the time. Not very articulate.

31. What are you listening to right now? Believe it or not, Elsie singing 'Home'. I suppose people are questioning my mental stability right now.

32. Last thing you ate? Granny's pudding.

33. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Bluish-green.

34. What is the weather like right now? Dark. (The windows are closed and it's night, I can't be bothered to check. Okay?)

35. Last person you talked to on the phone? Brother at about 3pm today. He told me Said might come over to get his clothes he left at our house.

OKAY. DONE. I deleted the rest of the questions because they seem to be repetitive. Probably the last time I'd do anything crappy like this.

I just can't talk. I think I have quite a problem with speech. Getting the right words out. Which is why I prefer writing (or in this case blogging or typing) because you have time to deliberate your words. And even if I manage to say something, it turns out to be hurtful, or mean, or plain stupid. I've learnt that, more often than not, shutting up is better than talking.

I keep coming up with all these stupid analogies of life in my head. It used to be me in a deep pit. And me trying to get out. Now I seem to think it's like a vast ocean, and I'm floating and drifting around, like a piece of wood, quite aimlessly. And sometimes, I think I've anchored somewhere, and found my place. But no. I'll realise I'm drifting again. There's another analogy that I came up with before the ocean one. The one where I see Life as a long stretch of road with houses left and right. Only I'm an outsider, looking in through the windows. But never stepping in. And once again, sometimes, I'll think I've found my house. But no. It's only because the warmth from within has seeped through the glass and I forget that I'm still out in the cold. And I'll walk on to the next house, and the next one, and the next one. And all the time I'm dreaming of that one house, with someone standing at the window to look back at me; to tell me this is home, and let me in.

It seems like I'm ungrateful, right? I make myself angry thinking like this. Because I am extremely happy with some things in my life, I am. It's just that a lot of the time, your brain tends to focus on the things you wish you had, or that feeling of dissatisfaction, the source of which you can't pinpoint. The devil's work, perhaps. I'm just saying that's how I feel sometimes. And that's when all these analogies come into my head.

Had my interview today. Shall try to describe it in detail.

It was conducted in this weird glassy-doored room in VJ. And when I got there, I had to wait for a bit outside. And the wait made me fidgety, and I kept running through the possible questions in my head. (By the way, I was wearing a grey blouse and long black pants.)

Finally, when she came up to invite me in, I remember being first, relieved. Because she was smiling, and really, really nice - you can tell straight away. And she was very natural and casual about everything. She was a pretty old lady, I say at least mid-fifties, but she had nice wrinkles. Brown hair and very tall. Her name was Dr Susan Stobbs, she's a physicist from the college I applied to: Pembroke. I want to smack myself thinking about how I behaved. I think I smiled too much to cover up my nervousness, and when I started to talk my mouth went a bit dry.

The first question she asked, was naturally, 'Why'd you pick Pembroke?' And I just said something about gut-feeling, it's a small college, beautiful... blah blah. I tell you, all the sensible answers just flew from my head. This always seems to happen to me. When I actually have to prove myself on something, I don't. I forgot the fact that I like Pembroke because it seems to encourage diversity. That would have been an okay answer.

Then she asked me what I like about Biology and Psychology. The psychology answer was just bleeagh again. I kept saying about understanding people and helping them and couldn't elaborate. Then after this expected initial introduction part she started asking about personality and genetics (Can't quite remember the exact phrasing of her question.) and I said about how research has shown a lot of one's personality, and intelligence as well, is genetic while of course upbringing does play a part. And I didn't back it up with any information that I've read! I could have mentioned the Child of Our Time documentary, or Manu's book that she's lent me about the Genome, or any of the twin research findings that we've always heard about. Gah. So frustrating. My answers were just so unsatisfying.

Then she began the really weird science-y questions. She asked me about sound waves. And why we have two eyes or ears. I was quite stumped, and gave very simplistic answers which were not what she was looking for. Then she drew on a piece of white paper a diagram of sound waves and tried to guide me to the answer. For instance, she'd ask me how sound waves travel, then I'd say: propagated by air molecules. And she'd go, "Yes. That's right." encouragingly, thereby making me feel less stupid. (But really, when I look back in retrospect.. sigh. pathetic I am.) Apparently, with two ears, we have two channels through which sound waves can travel and that creates interference within our brain, making it loud, I guess. How am I supposed to know that?! You'd have to hint me a million times for me to get that.

After that, shockingly, she asked me to differentiate and integrate! And an alarm bell just went off in my head, you know. My math isn't fantastic. She gave me two equations, both with trigo in them. Thank god I could do them both. And thank god Salman asked me to help him with integration just this past weekend - it refreshed my memory.

Oh, after this one, was the disastrous physics hot air balloon question. It's supposed to be easy, but I just couldn't think straight. And she asked me about archimedes' principle, which thank the Lord, I could remember by heart. And she asked the volume of air that needs to be contained within the balloon to buoy the whole structure up. I was just so unbearably slow to arrive at the answer, and she had to do it for me! Tell me, are we supposed to know that one cubic metre of air is 1 kg? Because I couldn't remember that, and she had to guide me in a roundabout way, involving chemistry and molar volume.

I don't know if the purpose of asking these questions are to see how good we are with our concepts, or the purpose is to see our thought processes. Either way, I don't think I impressed her very much.

After that, she asked about my hobbies. I said reading and video-editing. I wanted to elaborate on my reading but then I didn't think she was interested in my obsession over Philippa Gregory's books or Lymond. She jokingly said I could make a documentary of cambridge then. Haha. I can't remember if I said: "If I get there." Don't think I did. Must have been that cynical voice in my head. But I just laughed a bit. She asked me about my neuroscience attachment too and I talked about that pretty okay. And wondered if I wanted to be a medic (cause I talked about the surgeons). But I said something along the lines of not being very steady with my hands and lacking the ability to make quick on-the-spot decisions. I stuttered a bit.

And she asked me if I'd taken the SAT. And I told her I took another one recently and I got the results yesterday. And told her: 770 for Critical Reading, 760 for Math and 700 for Writing. At the writing part she commented: 'That's very good.' Which made me go YAY a bit. Because even if I don't apply to US, and I told her I don't think I will, my SAT results have been of some use to boost my image.

When she asked me if I had any questions about Natural Sciences or Cambridge in general, the first thing that went through my mind was, 'Huh. It's gonna be over already? So fast? Or does she think I'm so boring she wants to be rid of me as soon as possible?' Anyway, I asked her what she liked best about her students. Apparently they're all very bright and enthusiastic. Oh dear, how do I keep up.

Time flew by fast. She informed me that the result of my application will be out in January and ended off with a 'Nice to meet you.' I almost stumbled over my bag in the process of getting up and thanked her profusely.

Overall, it could have been LOADS better. But nevermind if I don't get in, although I'm holding out for that little bit of chance. I still have that MA degree course in Edinburgh University to feel extremely hopeful about. And if even that doesn't materialise, I still have NUS. Which can still be fun, I'm sure.

Will start to intensively research NUS degree courses after As.

Got SAT results: 2230. I'm happy enough. :) But now am in dilemma about US. Still.

No time to blog! How sad.

I have the Thinking Skills Assessment Test at Hwa Chong later... and am much, much less apprehensive of this than the interview. I pray that it'll be ok.

Have naught to say.

Don't think am applying to US. Will see my SAT results tomorrow and see how.

Am freaking out. Quite badly. Cambridge test and interview coming... and am envisioning worst possible scenarios where I become speechless. @_@ Please don't let that happen. Not to mention the days are getting closer to 8th Nov. I swear I hate exams so much.

Mugglenut has 64 fantastic GoF pics. Why does Barty Crouch Jr. have dark brown hair instead of strawy yellow hair? I know it's such a minor detail but it's irksome. You don't see Aragorn spotting yellow hair, right? By the way, this coming GoF movie will be the first HP movie that I won't be able to watch on its opening day. Initially, I was traumatised, but have now learnt to get over it. Ah sigh. Will stuff blue tack in my ears if necessary.



Check out the potterpuffs! They are so adorable. Here.

Had a dream where I was accused of doing something bad (I can no longer recall what) and no one would hear my side of the story. And I was fighting with people and was so angry and upset. Hm. Too much drama in my head.

Anyway, last night, whole family camped out in front of tv downstairs at about 11pm to watch The Exorcism of Emily Rose. We brought quilts and an abundance of pillows and the lights were dimmed appropriately, I thought the movie was pretty scary, but almost everyone else had fallen asleep at one point. I have never dozed off watching a movie. Ever.

The fact that it's based on a true story only makes it more... terrifying. And apparently, the recorded tape they played was from the real exorcism. Possessed, Emily Rose spouted Aramaic, and had incredible strength, contorted herself into weird positions and screamed for hours on end. The 'demon' would speak to the priest and identify himself as the same being who had dwelled in Judas and Belial (Looked up wikipedia: Among certain sections of the Jews, this demon was considered the chief of all the devils), among others. I was fascinated by the whole thing. And the poor girl eventually died, if you didn't already know, because she didn't receive medical treatment and she refused to let the exorcism to continue.

Had farewell today. To start off, it was a pretty chaotic morning. Was going frantically about collecting prelim papers and then was almost literally shoved into position of going up onto stage. When I was settling down after the brief panic of looking for a tie and trying to find seat CA 27, I had time to think about what I had to do. And the only qualm I had about going on stage to get the certs was that my principal, nice as he is, can only make me look utterly bad with all his 2 metre glory. But then I realised - I don't care anymore. I really don't. I have finally crossed that barrier. I feel so happy and liberated. I don't think anyone jabbing at this issue can make me feel sad, disappointed, upset or anything anymore. Not my family, not my friends, not anybody. And if the whole point of my having to go on stage was to realise this, then I'm glad I did.

So today meant something to me, personally. A stepping stone.

And as if to prove myself on this point, when Heng Liang (OG mate who sat next to me) complained I was too short cause his arms were bent weirdly around my shoulders when we were singing, I merely rolled my eyes and said 'I'm sorry!' sarcastically. It was no longer pretend. It was real.

I suppose no one can really understand my being so petty. Hey, I don't expect anyone to.

Anyway, I thought Mr Hodge's speech, and Jia Lun's speech and Ms Lo's apple story were all nice and memorable. Almost teared at some parts.

On other matters: there is a cockroach in my house kitchen. And there has been two human encounters. Once it was with my sis and once with me. And my feet immediately cringe upon my stepping on the kitchen tiles. Breathing rate increases too. Reflex action. You have no idea how these gross creatures have tormented my childhood.

Am burning cds... And waiting for chem questions to come via email. So much work to do.

Lately, have been watching One Tree Hill (or Satu Pokok Bukit, as me and sis have started to call it) at 5pm... It seems there are three shows of it playing at the same time or something... 2 on Channel 5 and one on Star World. Am so backdated, but that's what happens when you air shows at 12 or 1 am. -_- Everwood is on Sundays again instead of 3 am, and so many things have happened since I last watched, it's unbelievable. Bright and Ephram are good friends now?! Stupid Channel 5! My gosh.

Cd burning going ever so slowly.

Okay, I should be off to do more mundane but productive things - aka study.

Lately, I feel like everything I write is being exposed to more pairs of eyes than I intended. My intuition proved true! Hah. I discovered only yesterday that more family members have stumbled upon this place. Ah well. This is the web and people can come and go as they please. There's nothing wrong with having a greater audience. I merely miss my old days of obscurity, when I could count my readers on one hand. And I can't say that now I write with the same lack of inhibition. I spend more time pondering my sentences and backspace a hundred times more frequently than I used to. And have regrettably deleted heartfelt outpourings after much thought. I could, like others have, abandon my blog upon the shocking revelation of unwonted readers, but then, guess what? I like this place; I like this little bit of space I have in the cyberworld and I have, without initial plan or intention, kept this place for more than 3 years. It's grown on me. And unlike my written diaries, it has no limit: I won't ever have to come to the end of the last page and say goodbye to a precious book. And guess what else? - There is a certain thrill in knowing people read your words. Granted, I sacrifice certain topics of discussion, but I have never stupidly gossiped, bad-mouthed anyone or revealed my deepest secrets here anyway. So what's there to lose?

Moving on: The more I think about it, the more certain I am that I went completely off topic for my SAT essay yesterday and will get a 3 and below. Gah. I badly want to do well.

I can't find my thumbdrive anywhere! Ugh... Where where where. Things like this are not cheap... Okay. Found it. My brother had it. Typical! Whenever I find things missing, I should just go to his room.

I think my old disease is coming back... Am having less and less mood and inspiration to write. And there's all this talk about being liable for anything that appears at your website or blog or wherever. So if some random psycho decides to flood my guestbook with offensive racial comments, I'll be blamed. Of course... I don't incite any ill-feelings in my blog... Do I? Why do people have to be so mean... If you have an opinion, just say it with respect lah...

Ramadhan Mubarak! The blessed month is here.

Starting to feel easily tired again. Really need sleep. -__- Zzzz.

The other night, my brother came home from school complaining about the tough chemistry paper. And he said that he was not 'cut out for studying'. To which my dad replied, 'Then what? You're cut out for relaxing, watching tv and playing soccer ah?' And I burst out laughing. I know it doesn't look funny in words, but believe me, it was. My dad said it so matter-of-factly, that it just brings the point across even better. Cassie's fics, friends and especially Nikki might have taught me a lot about sarcasm, but it is from my dad that I learnt sarcasm first. And sometimes, it can piss me off too. Like tonight, cause he was annoyed that I was watching tv after maghrib, he said, 'Malam ni sembahyang terawih tau.' Omg. We know. I'm sorry I switched on the tv for that whole 10 minutes. But then, I'd rather have my dad's subtle reprimands than my mum's outright scoldings any day. Because the latter is just... painful, and I must say, works better too.

Changed my blog layout! Just thought something new would be nice. Chess and HP - some of my favourite things. :)

2 more days to fasting month! yay.

Almost all of prelim results are out. When have I ever felt completely satisfied with any of my grades? This is no different. But it is chem that just drives me up the wall. Hate it so much.

Found anwar awlaki's website and had to refrain self from downloading everything... Wonder if I should invest in my own discman at least.

I can hear kuda kepang from outside my window! What are these people doing? I think I'd like to see a proper one once, without having any scary side effects. Aunts got possessed once just by watching.

I have been reading Philippa Gregory's Wideacre, and as usual, it centres on the oppression of the female species. It just fills me up with frustration and anger. Set in 18th century England, Beatrice Lacey, the daughter of a squire, loves her father's land - Wideacre - but soon feels betrayed when she realises as she grows up, that there is no way in the world she would be able to continue living on Wideacre and be a part of it. When her father dies, everything goes to her elder brother and she, as is expected of her sex, will be married off. Poor Beatrice is driven to dark plots to keep a part of Wideacre to herself. She consented to her beloved father's murder, only to regret it after the deed was done. The story is steeped with acts of betrayal that leaves me breathless with shock, and am only at the beginning.

My entire family, Papa, Mama and Harry, could all die in pain and horror and still I would be no nearer to the ownership of the land. There was a barrier against me no skill of mine could overleap. Generations of men had built defences against women like me, against all women. They had ensured we would never know the power and the pleasure of owning the earth beneath our feet and growing the food that went on our tables. They had built a great chain of male control, of male power and beastly male violence between me and my need for the land. And there was no way, enforced by male-dominated laws and male-established tradition, that I could overthrow them.

I am happy that I live in this century and in this country, where as far as I know, I can do what I want. There are womens' rights and the UN and equality and democracy and whatever-else-in-the-name-of-freedom. But lurking everywhere else in daily life, subtly impressed, are the proprieties of women.

Tell me to do work in the kitchen because my grandma needs help and like any normal, considerate person, I should lend a helping hand. Don't tell me to help because I'm the girl, because that's not a reason! Everytime it happens, I sizzle with anger and my tongue just begs to be allowed to lash out in retaliation. But I refrain, and I let myself simmer, because on occasions when I've given my tongue free reign, it doesn't turn out good and I never win. As is been said: it's male-established tradition.

It shouldn't have to work like this anymore. The woman earns the money too, shouldn't domestic duties be shared as well? I suppose for some families, this has happened, and I applaud them. But not for mine, and I think not for many families. If old-age tradition of wives serving husbands hand-and-foot remains in this era, I don't see why I would want to get married at all. The benefits lie heavily on the male side. The husband is mothered, served in and out of bed and extra money flows in. While the wife serves and serves and serves. The wife doesn't even use the husband's money anymore because she has her own. Women! Where is the logic in doing this other than to conform? (If you're desperate for children, go and adopt like Angelina Jolie. Childbirth isn't so fun, you know.)

Apparently, it is demeaning to wash a dirty plate; a man's pride suffers tremendously. Funny they should think that way. Because I think I would melt if a guy offers to help with the dishes; after which I would insist, eyes shining in admiration, that I do everything myself, while he rests. Which brings me to the topic of love.

Fine, love conquers all. Logic is thrown out the window. Trapped in its snare, one would go to the ends of the earth for his beloved. And so, yes, I can see why a thousand million wives serve their husbands everyday. Ah sigh. My arguments gone to waste because of this mysterious thing called love.

I have become so money-minded, it scares me. All because I am so damned desperate to study overseas. I'd be walking to catch the train in the early morning and I'd be thinking: if only I could get on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' and win. Or at least get past the 250 thousand mark. Or maybe win some on Wheel of Fortune. If I could only have that one bit of shining, golden opportunity. Besides having to fight for a scholarship, that is. And then this person, real or not, appears to tempt me (refer to my guestbook if you're lost at this point). What the. I am confused. I can't help thinking: what if this is for real and I threw away the opportunity to gain some money whilst helping someone, instead of resorting to crime? (Haha, I won't. Promise.)

Remember, Shamiah... money is the root of all evil.

Why must everything be so expensive these days. Siiiiigh.

Almost done with UCAS application. Am waiting for credit card numbers (a.k.a. parents) to come back and then this part will be done. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Where will this bring me in 10 years' time? I have no idea.

"I shall be telling this with a sigh. Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost

I sure hope Mr Frost is right.

It's funny how... you don't want your parents to decide for you, but then you want them to approve everything. It isn't easy. I just feel so torn sometimes. And I can easily understand how some people who lose their parents as they grow up, end up getting strength and focus from that and eventually do whatever their parents had wanted; dedicating half their lives to their lost parent. I'd do the exact same thing. I've thought of it many times. Of course, I always pray it never comes to that.

Hm. Feel like pasting Frost's poem now.

Prelims over. A little bit of break within the eye of the storm.

My eyes are already deteriorating and it's only been one day since my return to bibliohism. And I am occassionally gripped by fear of losing my eyesight. How would I read without it? How would I do all the things I love to do? There's always so much to be grateful for, right? I wish I could always remember that.

I feel cooped up in the house. It's no good when other people are only just starting exams. I want to watch Brothers Grimm so much but have no company. I have a seemingly dismal social circle. And Nekmah coming over is nice and all (nice food especially), but at the sacrifice of a weekend of freedom. Parents off for the weekend again to say farewell to Pakcik Mail Kelantan who's going for Haj.

And Cassie has given good news. DV to be officially complete before Christmas this year. Wow. It's been a long time coming. And DT remains the best fanfiction ever. And the D/H relationship the most intense, most special, most loving brotherhood-friendship in all of fiction, as I know it. As long as it remains free of, god-forbid, slash.

~

Dinodi's Kau Pergi Jua is so good... and the lyrics are so bittersweet. Can listen to it over and over. My OCD strikes again.

Had really weird dreams last night. One strange one after another.

In one of them, I was standing with my sister in my living room, with the window next to us. We were looking out. And I remember feeling immensely terrified. Because... there were these bombs going off all over our neighbourhood, and I was just speechless. The both of us saw one missile come close by our window. But we were never hit. There was just a great shaking all over, like a humungous quake.

After that one, I found myself at Darul Ma'wa. Arguing with Mdm Zainah. Because she absolutely refused to respond to my email, and is almost always busy. I said to her all the things I'm chicken to say in real life. I told her how I never intended to intrude into her schedule, but that CIP hours were important for our testimonial and that she should respect that and at least respond to my email like she said she would. I said I hated the whole pearls system too, and I wouldn't want the hours anyway if I could help it. I argued a lot. It's funny how you play out all the things you can't or won't do in real life, in your dreams. It's liberating sometimes. And I am always much more confident in my dreams, like am not afraid to do anything at all. Maybe that's who I want to be, but fail to become, so far, in reality. I've confronted loads of people in my dreams - given my piece of mind to snobs (this, I say, is the most fun), shouted at people who irritated me, discuss certain things that are really inconceivable in actual life, talked to movie stars (very fun) etc. I wish I could do lucid dreaming, sometimes.

The last dream I had before I woke up was me sitting in front of my laptop and it conking out on me. I was about to burst into tears. Once I was conscious, I came online and here I am. I had to make sure my computer is fine. This is probably after-trauma from yesterday's sudden online crash. I was trying to open the HP trailer file from Leaky Cauldron and suddenly the whole screen when blue and blank and spontaneously restarted. It was a horrific episode for me. I love my comp - it contains a lot of my heart and soul. Important things! *Hugs compaq*

Okay, time to listen to Abah and get virus protection.

oh, btw, phy plus the S, chem and bio paper 1 left.

The second last hurdle approaching. And the biggest and scariest one too. I scare myself by being so calm when I know I'm screwed. Where is my sense of urgency?

I wonder if my life will go on being filled with these... phases of obsession. I have had them for as long as I can remember... I think. I'll go absolutely mad about a book, story, movie, show or occasionally an activity, and then when that dies down, I'll jump to another. It's probably very unhealthy. I'm so into that other world, I don't care about reality.

At this point, whatever makes me happy. As long as I don't start talking to imaginary beings, I think I'm still sane.

I like Joan of Arcadia! It's only just started on Channel 5 but I've been looking it up and found out what happens... all the way till season 2. The idea that God walks among us could be considered blasphemous in itself, but it provides the opportunity for important issues, like why people have to die, suffer etc, to be brought up and discussed. And that makes for riveting conversations. And the writers are smart enough to always be able to create a flawless 'God's plan' for every episode. And the dialogue is often ponder-able, thought-provoking, funny and quotable. Plus, it has a fantastic cast. The young actors are all so good, which was why it did well I suppose. I've watched video clips and all the actors can cry, guys included. I guess people who have something against sappy shows might not want to watch so much. But it's a worthwhile one hour each week, IMO.

I wonder if you girls have received this very interesting email that's been circulating. It's titled The Best-Looking Guy In The World. I was skeptical at first. Kak Naz was the one who sent it to me (no surprise there). But then I saw the pictures. And I went @_@. I showed my sister. Who also became @_@. Okay. So not all email is crap. I looked him up. And found all these blogs (and here I add myself to the list) gushing about him and the circulating email. Very amusing.

I should be studying! What am I doing here, posting about guys of all things...

My father has resorted to bribery. Now, what do I do? Medicine... Here I come?

And Scotland is sounding more appealing than ever. My itchy fingers flipped through the Lonely Planet Guide Yeatian got for me, and my heart just ached to be there. Really. The walking tours sound so fun! (Although I realise I have to resort to eating potatoes and fish everywhere I go and ensure no alcohol is put into any of my food.) And they're not so expensive. Castle admissions are about 5 pounds (average)... And it's all so pretty! I want to go there so much.

Last night, went out for dinner with family as usual. Then after eating, as usual, we didn't want to go home. We actually sat in the car in the carpark for a few minutes, arguing about not knowing where to go... until I started laughing at the ridiculousness of our behaviour. Really. How mad, I say.

Why does the Western world seem to westernise everything. Especially our names. Melaka, not Malacca. And it's Mekkah, not Mecca. How can they mutilate Ibn Sina into Avicenna, Al-Ghazali into Algazel and Al-Khawarizmi into Algorizm (father of Algorithms), among many others. Beautiful names deformed and latinised. Until one can't tell it was the Arabs who came up with much of the mathematical methods and theories we use today. Singapore was their creation too, I bet. Sometimes, when you look at it, the world seems to bow at their feet. Ugh. Yes, we know, much of the progress of humanity is due to the West (especially Renaissance Italy, from what I gather in Rule of Four)... But there were other civlisations too before they became all powerful today. At least they should realise that. And not forget that, once you reach the peak, there's no where else to go but down. Be humble, I say.

~

Ami Ali insists they stole from us. I said, probably not all of it. But now I think it might have been a lot of it.

Adulthood is a glacier encroaching quietly on youth. When it arrives, the stamp of childhood suddenly freezes, capturing us for good in the image of our last act, the pose we struck when the ice of age set in.

~The Rule of Four

PEARLS really, really sucks. I hate it so much. I hate it! Maybe we don't deserve the 30 hours since it's so freaking hard to get it verified. There must be some reason why the world is so against my being able to verify it. ARGH.

I love the Qura'an.

This is not an attempt to preach or anything. It is not my place to. I am just saying that I love the Qura'an. It is the most wonderful text. Since it is from God. And one day, when I have the time, when I have fulfilled my wordly obligations, I shall sit down and study every single page and every single word. Forget about Hypnerotomachia or whatnot. This is the ultimate text to the revelation of the universe. I cannot even begin to describe its magnificence and the awe it inspires in me. It is scientifically accurate.

Did you know that the word 'month' is mentioned 12 times and the word 'day' is mentioned 365 times in the Qura'an? And this book was compiled 1400 years ago. And that's just one of many things.

... yet still from our signs they are turning away. ~ Chapter 21 Verse 32

I see my saying that I'll miss school has evoked a violent response.

It's true that I'll probably idealise the memory... I suppose, when I'm 49 or something, I'll look back and think how I enjoyed myself so much playing Sahabat 1 in Dwidarma and forget the whole other part of drama - the stress of meeting deadlines, and not being able to get people together and cikgu scolding us. Or how much I enjoyed breaks, forgetting that there were the torturous lessons. And recall the times celebrating end of exams but forget the stress of exams. But isn't it better then...? To be able to forget the unhappy things you went through and remember the good things? Then when you're 60, you won't keep thinking your life has majorly sucked. Besides... how can you have happy things happening if there aren't bad ones?

PEARLS are the bane of my existence. Am going down to Darul Ma'wa tomorrow to negotiate CIP hours.

And oh, I found out Leila Bafadhal lives in the UK! A Bafadhal in the UK! IS THIS A SIGN? For me? Haha, I just sent her another email, telling her about the Bafadhals in Singapore and asking her about hers. How interesting. Am quite excited at finding a possible connection with this person. Maybe from some far branch of our ancient family tree. If I were to want to make up my family tree, I'd have to travel quuuiiite a bit, but it'd be damn worthwhile. History is so intriguing.

If my parents were not so narrow-minded about the arts, I might have taken it and studied history. I am so fascinated by it. My arts combination would definitely have History and Literature and Theology. I impulsively picked up my brother's book, Rule of Four, which talks about an ancient text - the Hypnerotomachia. It is so cool. It's a huge puzzle, which broken would reveal unimaginable secrets of the past.

Had Bio S... Exhausted. I think my second essay has almost no chance of even getting a merit. Feel like banging head against wall. Gah. But at least I finished the paper. Wrote about the survival of the species and reproductive strategies (talked some about courting rituals of flies. haha.). And the other one was about the behaviour of chromosomes in meiosis which causes observed patterns of inheritance. I like genetics... not the DNA technology part with recombinant DNA and microinjection and ligase and terminal transferase and whatnot... but the mendelian genetics part. Crossing and Punnett squares are fun. It really is. It's one of those rare things that you study that are really, truly interesting and you can almost apply it immediately to real life.

Bought stuff for cikgu and ms lo. I wonder how many J2s will be in school tomorrow. Will be interesting. Speaking of which... today's morning assembly was funny. There was like... a total of perhaps 40 J2s at the parade square... and we all sort of clustered together. Joined 3B, and oh Clement Zheng was in school at that time, with no paper to sit for. Apparently he misses school so.

After years and years of vehement curses about school and how I hate it... I am going to miss it when I leave. Quite positive I will. This is why life is weird (among other reasons).

Got back home damn early today - 12.30. Ms Lo ended GP 40 minutes before end of lesson, and then I took taxi home with Jean. Then unfortunately realised that there's no food at home. @_@ Friday nights are family dinner nights.

GP on Monday and Bio S on Tuesay. Halp.

Someone named Leila Bafadhel has signed my guestbook! How exciting. I've never met someone not from my family, who has my last name. As far as we know, we're the only Bafadhals in Singapore.

-

Genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration. ~ Thomas Edison (whose idol is Leonardo Da Vinci, who was in turn voted the Most Creative Genius of the Millenium)

Leonardo Da Vinci was friends with Niccolo Machiavelli. Have you noticed how geniuses tend to be friends with geniuses? Best help produces best? Great minds think alike? Hm.

This past weekend my parents had abandoned us kids at home and gone on a honeymoon for their 21st anniversary, and it was a nice win-win situation for both sides. My parents had a good time and we kids had a good time.

First of all, despite having free reign of 4 different television sets (2 with cable) and all-day internet connection, I studied. I actually woke up on saturday morning and got straight down to working. The house was quiet and I was not in the least bit distracted. Productivity declined as the day wore on but at least some things were accomplished.

On saturday night, Said and Hussein hanged around till 11pm. We ordered macs but it came 2 hours late, and the boys were ready to resort to violence. On sunday night, went out to eat at pizza hut (Kaktiyah's treat). No adults again, although technically Kaktiyah is 20 and adult... but hey, I don't see her as one. Haha. After our mini pizza fest, we went to buy vcds. Purchased 4 different movies at one shot: Calcium Kid, Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan and Forrest Gump. And got home at 10.30 on a school night.

The taste of freedom. Damn nice.

The 8 of us are growing up... and growing apart? So sad. Not necessarily, right? Sigh. Suppose some things will inevitably change, but I hope we can hold on to some things. And having dinner like last night is good.

I don't know if everyone has that group of people they grow up with. This is mine: 8 blood-related cousins (of many, but we're close). And because we're cousins, we get to do more things together than what 8 friends normally would. I have known them for as long as I can remember, travelled half the world with them, watched the boys outgrow all the girls, had fights, had embarassing scenes, stayed up till 2 am playing etc. Our games have morphed from playing doctor, house, 'restaurant', tremors, ghost to a phase of soccer which we girls hated to playstation to... almost nothing now. Kaktiyah's working midnight shifts 3 times a week these days, and Hefni's in NS. And next in line is me.

And I'm going to make it worse by wanting to study overseas more than almost anything else in the world.

I suppose I have to learn to let go of the past and move on. Good things lie ahead too.

Tony Buzan, for those who do not know, although I think you very well should, is the genius behind mind maps. Mind maps are his creation. He is also the one with the highest creative IQ in the world. I've recently rummaged around in my cupboard (whilst trying to clean up) and extracted a dusty book of his on 'How to Use Your Memory' which I know I've had for ages. And I started to read it, and have finally succeeded going further than Chapter 1.

And I am amazed. I have mastered the 'Peg System' memory technique - you give me a list of twenty things and I can commit it to memory after just one round of reading through it. There are many other methods of course but am trying to balance my reading and studying at the same time. Then I got really excited and bought Tony Buzan's Mind Map guide.

I have been majorly enlightened. The human mind is really quite amazing. The trick is imagination. Your memory catches on things you find funny, interesting, fantastic and imaginative. So, I suppose I have to tap on that.

'Imagination is more important than knowledge.' ~ Einstein

Just yesterday, my family went out for dinner and then when we were driving to the airport to meet Kak Naz, Abah started singing in the car. Then we all started singing with him. Then we started to reminisce and sing really, really old songs. As in songs from childhood; tunes I thought had been completely obliterated from memory. Old nasyids, mostly... It was funny how sis, bro and me would look at each other and start singing these really old tunes almost simultaneously.

It shows that memories don't fade. They're there in your brain. The skill is retrieving the information when you need it. That's what I'm trying to learn...

~

"It's as though I've found a string. Something reachable... at my fingertips. Something... touchable. Fantasies all the same... but the clarity of it all being possible."

Is it? Or am I just deluded.

Finally, I've decided. On 3 places. But still not quite done with all the 6 choices for ucas. Shall start writing my personal statement soon. Lucky have that draft for Ms Lo already...

Revision going ever so slowly. I wish I was one of those aliens in the show Roswell, you know? Need only 3 hours of sleep each day...

And oh darn, I should just seriously learn to keep my mouth shut and not be so blur and gullible.

Have started reading Tony Buzan's books and I tell you, I think the effects are amazing. I am on my way to improve my memory and eradicate my blurness! (I hope.)

Okay, I had a bad weekend, worse off than usual. I watched too much tv despite impending exams. So much for saying that all I need is to shut myself up in my room and study. My family is just a distracting lot. And sharing a room with a sister only encourages one to talk and joke constantly. And have been screaming a lot at brother too (because he kicks his adidas ball in my room and it barely misses my laptop screen), which relieves stress. I realise he's the only person I can scream to! Because he rarely takes offence and responses by laughing and being stubborn (which elicits more screams from me, but all in the name of stress relief). Can't scream at parents because if I do I deserve to go to hell, and I can't scream at sister because... then we fight. And I get really angry inside and hateful and I hate the feeling. And I realise he's the only person I can hit with all my might too (no fear of retaliation)! So good to have a little brother for a punching bag.

Watched Runaway Jury tonight and enjoyed it. The potential for a new obsession. But shall push that to the far corners of my mind till after As.

A Lymond post. Brotherly love is so sweet. ~melts~

There was a handkerchief rolled tightly in Lymond's lefthand, which he had used to stifle the coughing. With a brusque movement, his brother pulled it away and wordlessly flattened it between his brown, capable fingers. In streaks and patches, the linen was stiff with fresh blood. `Dear God, Francis,' said Richard Crawford, his voice suddenly stifled by the agony in his throat. '-Dear God, dear God, what do you want of me? Must I choose between my own child and you?' The silence stretched on. After the first momentof shock, Lymond's face was unreadable. But his voice when he spoke was deliberate and undramatic. 'I have promised to ride in the Mardi Gras procession two weeks from now. On the following day, I shall go home. Will that do?'

~ Queen's Play Page 212

When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet.

I can't help it, see? I just have to liquid off those cancellations and pen marks... and have all my assignments neat and tidy.

An article about fandom: Spellbound. And here I thought I was the mad one. Here's bits of it:

I mention the death of a major character at the end of the Half-Blood Prince to another devotee. "For me it was like somebody really died," she says. "I cried. I really cried."

Accio! is sprinkled with obsessive compulsive disorder, like fairy eggs on a lawn. I meet a woman who announces that she listens to the Harry Potter audiotapes continuously. "When I finish one, I begin another. When I am walking, when I am eating, when I am cleaning the house, when I am sleeping, I listen to Harry." A sinister oneupmanship infests the rooms; who has the most exhaustive knowledge of the canon? "How many times did Harry get a zero in potions?" snaps one witch. "I ... I don't know," her friend stammers.

Well, I don't know either. Thank god. This is really testing the boundaries of sanity.

~

Went to Stadium Cove last night to watch the countdown fireworks. It was really, really beautiful. But I didn't have my camera! What a waste, I tell you. We all spent about 2 hours or so waiting for midnight, and it was certainly worth the wait. The whole display lasted about 15 minutes, and I almost anticipated some Gandalf-like dragon to swoop across the river. They really upped the standard - there were different kinds: squiggly thingies that looked like worms, umbrella-shaped ones that opened at different angles and missile-like ones. Fantastic.

Happy Birthday, Singapore.

Quite amusing day.

Went home after the US university briefing only to face a problem at the front door. The padlock was screwed up. My dad couldn't open it with his keys, and I couldn't open it with mine. So then we had to call the locksmith (their company number was strangely and conveniently placed next to our apartment) and we had to wait for like 40 minutes. My poor dad had already waited for me to come home for half an hour prior to that. So the afternoon was spent waiting.

The both of us settled ourselves at the top of the stairwell just round the corner from our apartment, and read. I tried to read bio but eventually got distracted by the newspaper. I went downstairs to the grocery store to get some drinks for us at one point. And dad got bored and read the NUS prospectus I brought home. And we talked about admission criteria and how it's fine if I go NUS anyway. I don't mind. I just still don't know whether I should do medicine or not. I can do psychological medicine as a postgraduate course. Perhaps.

Eventually the locksmith came and charged 40 bucks for simply sawing our padlock. Absolutely exorbitant. Can you imagine just sawing padlocks everyday, for 40 bucks each? You can earn quite decently that way.

~

I have to learn to let go and take risks... Am so afraid to take risks, that's why am so indecisive right? Wish I could be braver.

Photog shots. Trust colin to come up with unique angles. What a pro.

Stress. So much of it. Fridays used to be good days, but lately, it's been depressing, cause Mr Kadir will make us do physics prelim questions and I'll make mistakes everywhere and not know how to do. Progress reports are out too and it reminded me of how dismal my grades are. And overall morale crushing. Am so angry with self.

Then there's the whole testimonial business we have to settle. I hate selling myself. It makes everything so insincere. Apparently, that's how the world works - Well, I hate it. The world is confusing me again.

Blogspot should have smilies. Then I can just put faces instead of trying to describe my state of mind. Crying smiley would sum up today's post.

I like Natasha Bedingfield's song. I bruise easily.

Abah has bought me a new handphone! YAY. For once, I have a brand new one, and not a hand-me-down. Am retaining old number too.

Inclined towards UK unis. With University of Bath and University of Edinburgh at the top of the list.

230 out of 2000.
35 of 200.
60 of 1200. (Omg. I hope I calculated this wrongly. University of Bath psych course.)

And 70 000 of all humanity. WAH.

What is it with all this competition.

Watched the last half of Smallville last night (forgot it started at 830!) and was so thrilled cause it was about Lex - the reason I ever had any interest in the show in the first place. He meddled with black kryptonite or something, and his evil half materialised. A walking evil Lex, who shot Mr Kent in the leg and used green kryptonite against Clark and wanted world dominion. I have to say this - he was so cool! I have never seen Lex so... assertive, powerful and using all his intellectual prowess. He had said at one point, "You were right about me all along, Mr Kent. This is the real Lex Luthor." And Michael Rosenbaum acted well, I think, unlike Tom Welling, whose pretty face makes up for any lack of talent in that department.

Of course, the ending was extremely anticlimatic (smallville's undeniable flaw) - the two halves fused back together with Lex not recollecting any evil deeds - but nonetheless, I like the episode! Because, as is clear, it was about Lex, and the evil he's fighting within him. I like Lex! (And all characters like him aka DT!Draco, Constantine..., who are living in the shades of grey and are underdogs and are fighting a battle against their own evils and are consequently constantly surrounded with suspicion and mystery.)

Anyway, am going for photog phototaking today and then the scholarship exhibition. It's a kiasu move, but nevermind... If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Today is such a bad day.

And losing my handphone was really the last straw. (So you know why if I don't reply to messages.)

Nothing really bad happened per se (except the losing handphone part) but I was experiencing a lot of morale crushing (due to inability to solve physics questions and repetitive careless mistakes) and panic attacks. Prelim timetable is out, you see. And they had to be so inhumanely evil and put the Bio S paper before the hols. Which gives me, let me see... only about a month left.

My resting heartrate has increased.

And I think my handphone was stolen. Being the stupid psycho that I am, I normally put my handphone in the open side pocket of my bag. It's a crime-inducing position, if I can call it so. And I clearly remember placing it there when we left delifrance. So some itchy hand (I hope that hand burns in hell) must have swiped my old yet beloved handphone from its resting place. The first time I noticed was when I wanted to listen to the radio in the train. I was frantically opening and closing my bag, digging around for my phone, praying for it to be somewhere. I must have appeared really... mad.

The whole fiasco was really the last straw.

I desperately want to do well for coming exams. I desperately want to have the opportunity for scholarship and overseas study. That's the problem with wanting things so badly, or loving something so dearly - you have so much to lose.

Digging and digging. Through piles and piles of papers and dust. Am attempting to revamp bedroom and table; in short neaten up my life. Dearest Daddy has weirdly been the motivation for this ever since he's proven his expertise with the vacuum cleaner. And my carpet is now cleaner than it's been for years.

I think it supremely unfair that my biological system does not want to synchronise with school system. I feel sleepy at 9 pm but if I manage to get through that time without dozing off, I can stay awake past 12 am to maybe 2. Then I end up being a zombie in school the next day. Hmph. Such a bother.

By the way, went to the US uni fair this past Sunday with birds 'cept for duckie (who's set on UK, it seems), and was so attracted to UPenn. And also to Columbia, although Columbia seems dangerous (definitely a minus point here). The really big names scared me to bits, and we did not even venture to the Yale and Harvard booth. Though we did talk to the Princeton person, who gave us weird looks (which maybe we deserve for looking so blur, as compared to everyone else) and said that everything is 'good' at Princeton. Wow, elaborate, won't you? Certain conversations were really painful.

ALL the universities there seemed much more appealing than NUS. Wish I was really rich.

Psychology. I don't know. I really don't. Pharmocology? Medicine? Microbiology? Immunology? Neuroscience? How do you know what to do!

Does anyone out there know what they really want? Tell me if you do. I need decision-making tips. How do you know when anything's right for you???

Anyway, was looking at various courses offered in the US unis, and entertained the notion of taking a random minor, just for fun! Like Arabic or Photography. Heh. If only life was like a walk through the library.

~

Have to write about this: Am I really that intuitive. It happened again, one of those weird coincidence thingeys.

Was walking out of mall, and walked past group of people talking loudly, and last two words I caught from their conversation was 'Edward Scissorhands'. Got home, not 20 minutes later, food ready in front of me, switched on tv to channel 58 and guess what was starting at that moment as I sat down? Right you are - Edward Scissorhands.

Coincidence. Again???

How about all those other times when I thought of a person and then poof, there he is. There was once, I remember so vividly, I was at the movie theatre, then I went to the washroom. As I pushed open the door, I clearly thought, "There's a high chance I'll meet someone I know around here..." And when I finished that thought, Raihana was standing in front of me, coming out of the loo. I zoned out for a full two seconds, before responding to her greeting. Just could not believe it, you know.

And the day I decided not to go for pe, they cancelled pe! But I guess that's pure luck. Haha.

Then there are those really shockingly good things that happen, which I don't doubt is God's doing: Like praying for taxi in really dire situation and a cab zooms down the road towards you once you reach the curb. Or praying for a good friend to end up in same class in JC (hoping beyond hope for it to be Turk but it didn't) and was consequently reunited with Jean. Or even vague childhood wishes of whole Bafadhal family getting back together, and it has. Tis' amazing you know. I could go on listing. God's listening, no doubt about that.

At the same time, God gives sometimes incomprehensible or weird signs. And simply loves irony.

S paper lectures completely over for me. I wonder if they have been of any use at all.

Lights in LT2 went off during lecture today. Second time such a thing happened. Don't think it's any supernatural being anymore... unlike that time during drama rehearsals. Seems a bit silly for a ghost to be playing around in the middle of the day, to an audience of at least 200. Must be some technical fault in the system.

Stress is causing weird side effects. Instead of moping, it has caused me to burst into hysterical laughter at a higher frequency, at the most mundane things. I need endorphins. I should play. Something physical. Badminton perhaps. But no one to play with at home...

Am making my after-A-levels list soon.

SPOILERS FOR HALF-BLOOD PRINCE (If you care, that is.)


The majority of fans seem to agree to Snape's non-evilness. Hoorah. Cassie put it best: Dumbledore wouldn't beg for his life in the first place—I doubt he is any more terrified of death than Nicholas Flamel was. Nothing could be clearer.

With Snape's non-evilness, comes the possibility of redemption for Draco, seeing how he will be under Snape's wing and all. Oh yay. Yay. This is so good. Draco is not a 2D villain!

Oh my gosh. When will Book 7 come.


Got back GP today. Absolutely horrid grade. Self-esteem has hit earth's core. Am supposed to be studying constantly but am also continuously getting bouts of extreme fatigue and end up dozing off instead. And because of lack of self-control and high level of impulsiveness, I take at least an hour to finish a meal while watching bits of the PoA movie on dvd, with the excuse that I need some recreation before starting to work. Then, because depression has sunk in deep, I claim I need to pen down frustrations and laments, thus spending what little time I have blogging and updating written journal. After all of that, virtually no time is left for study. Oh, woe to me.

FINISHED Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Don't read on if you fear spoilers.




I think it was great. There was much humour, very exciting especially when more about Tom Riddle was revealed, and extremely mind-boggling. But I stand by my theory. Or at least I'm hoping I'm right. Snape cannot be evil. Dumbledore could not have made such a huge mistake, could he? There seems to be so much more going on than we know, than what Harry knows.

And now. The agony of waiting for Book 7.

Went to fishball factory today! The attendance was dismal - 13 out of an expected 23 (2 vegetarians voiced out their displeasure to consumption of fish). But I had such a good laugh there. We had to wear these horrid, yellow raincoats and a hair net. We looked so funny! Manu kept laughing at me. Then we had to wear boots because the place was pretty wet... And smelled awfully fishy in certain places. Upside of it all was the complimentary (was it?) food. I liked the prawn balls! There were vegetable balls too. They were quite good...

Downloading Il Divo songs now.

Am counting down. About 24 hours to you know what!

Felt like I was stuck in some drama or soap opera. My jaw hit the ground, almost literally, hearing that such things do exist. Mind-boggling.

Anyway, disappointed with all my grades. And annoyed with school as usual.

From the book am reading now, The Fallen by Dale Bailey:

"Anyway, given the choice between belief and non-belief, Pascal said the wise man wagers that God exists. If he wins, he wins eternal life. If he loses, he's lost nothing but two or three hours on Sunday mornings."

"Kind of underestimates God, doesn't it?"

"How so?"

"God can't tell the difference between mock faith and the real deal?"

"Maybe, maybe not. Dad used to say faith and doubt were facing sides of the same coin. You can't have faith unless you have doubt."

"What do you mean?"

"Faith is trust in something you can't see, something you can't know for sure. If you know, then you don't have faith, you have knowledge."

Hey, I think it's both knowledge and trust. Thinking logically, you have to conclude that God has to exist. It's the logical explanation, as opposed to everything being a mass of molecules spontaneously reacting, and the big bang occuring of its own accord.

And we humans think we're so smart...