really wanted to do this earlier but couldn't get the time;
awesome moments this past week that I want to keep:

* I was at coffeebean as per my usual -- in between therapy cases -- and about to buy my warm chocolate cake, and then the black-hijabed barista girl was like, Ohmygod, Kak Sham! And I had a freeze moment -- my brain went: um who? what. what's happening? I don't recognize this person, there are zero clues. hahah! It turned out she was one of my APEX girls I had taught years ago now, ohmygosh. She was also ohmygosh all about it, and how we hadn't seen each other for so long. She was so tiny when I saw her in school. Which made me feel old of course, except that she clarified she wasn't in her 20s yet ahah. And she was the sweetest thing cause she refused to let me pay for my drink and she took a snapchat of us (aduh, kanak-kanak zaman sekarang...). Then I finally sat down to my drink and cake and felt all happy inside. Because well, isn't it awesome to have taught such wonderful little souls and made some impact on their lives no matter how little. I got a free drink for starters!

* Book club members went over to Esplanade to support M's ensemble performance for the Singapore Lyric Opera Gala Night; and it was so lovely! I've really come to appreciate classical music in a way. Earlier this year as well, Datin S dragged me to a free SSO performance at Victoria Theatre. And I've come to realise that instead of it being possibly boring and lulling me to sleep, a pure musical performance can actually be engaging and even captivating. Anyway, we decided that we'd never been to anything more high-cultured before that night (haha!).

This famous piece called Carmen was one of the pieces performed and sung

(except without the actual acting and costumes):

* and then another awesome thing this weekend: I had therapy with A (my cousin's kid) as I have been over the past half-year or so, and I successfully made him have his lunch proper! He used to only eat oreo cookies, red velvet ice cream and often had to be (forced)fed meals. I conducted a SPOT session (the fussy eater clinic I was training for last year) all by myself and it worked and it's so amazing. I love being able to see the difference the little things actually make; he was eating from his spoon by himself, drinking from the cup by himself and ate carrots which he hated!!! Well, obviously he actually has little problem with eating and feeding iself, but just lacked the structures in place to make him have his meals proper. But even so! I was so happy. Not to mention that, he was most socially engaged with others during a meal and would copy words more often! Like "ready go!" and he copied "carrots!" I spent 2 hours with him in his house, and it's so much better than in a clinic for sure. (And I was actually like, ohmygod, I could earn a fortune if I charge for this hehe)

and lastly to end off, this
(which I heard from a speech by Tracee Ellis Ross,
an actress speaking out for all women):

I'm going to pay attention to the reality of my life and the audacity of my dreams
instead of the expectation of what I was raised with.

A repost of a (part of a) wonderful supplication and one of my eternal favourites; I've been in the habit of reposting lately:

O Allah! I ask that you give me from your presence such mercy that with it You will guide my heart, regulate my affairs, and put order into my disorder. And that You will fill me with perfect faith, and bestow on my outer, good deeds and You will render my deeds pure and sincere, and inspire me with a suitable way to gain Your Pleasure, and give me friends that will be familiar to me and protect me from all manner of evil.

O Allah! Fill my heart with light, and my grave with light; place light in front of me, and light behind me; place light on my right and light on my left; place light above me and light below me; place light in my ears and light in my eyes, and light in my hair and my skin and my flesh and my blood and my bones.

O Allah increase my light, give me such light that it is worth all of what  I have said and a light that will encompass everything that I could not say.

Glory be to the One Who is enveloped in dignity and Who has made Himself known by His Dignity. I glorify the One Who has enveloped Himself in greatness and Who, for this reason, continually offers extensive bounty to His slaves. I glorify the One Who is the only One worthy of glorification and holiness. I glorify the One Who possesses majesty and  beneficence. I glorify the One who possesses majesty and kindness. He is above all faults.

Amin.

...part of what makes Francis so compelling and also so awful is that you understand as a reader why he does and says the things he does, even while you wish desperately that you could reach into the page and slap your hand across his mouth. He's an injured cat who lashes out when anyone tries to help him, and you know why, but oh my god cat we're just trying to help you. I kept thinking of a lion with a thorn in its paw who would rather die of infection than let anyone close enough to him to take it out.

He can't deal with the reality that his mother either isn't his real mother or slept with someone who wasn't her husband, but it's much more difficult to freeze your heart when you're not in Russia.

-- Lymond review

oh my god cat, we're just trying to help you. hahaha absolutely love this line.



The older I get, the more I discover how much pain there can be in life. It's just that, I really get it now, I thought I already did, the impulse to want to freeze and numb yourself because the pain you experience is just too much. And I'm thinking, goodness S; how are you going to handle more of life in the future, if it already hurts this much? /God, help me level up, please./

And I get and understand that when you really, really, really hurt, it's very hard to be nice to other people. It's very hard not to be consumed by your own pain. I think this is how villains are made, actually. And that's the work isn't it: to fight against the easy, vindictive escape route.

Thank you brain pickings for sharing such awesome stuff:

The Story of the Chinese Farmer from Sustainable Human on Vimeo.

this is why, one of my major goals in life

is to achieve equanimity in the face of all life circumstances.

Maybe...

Next time someone tells me, "Ohmygod, that's terrible isn't it!"

I'll say, "Maybe."

And equally when someone tells me, "Ohmygod, that's amazing; that's great isn't it!"

I'll say, "Alhamdulillah, maybe."

Islam does often say how for the true believer, 

(apparent) fortune and (apparent) misfortune are the same. 

And that's why, once again, Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. Gratitude for all matters.

The only pleasure or displeasure is with God.

Snowflakes falling from the sky

are drifting further by and by

How much longer do I wait

How many sleepless nights remain

After the cold winter ends

Until spring decides to come again

Until flowers, they bloom again...

a repost, because this beautiful song is speaking to my heart right now.

💜 

The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas by Ursula K. Le Guin

I've been meaning to post these; it's a habit of mine as I'm sure of many others,

to save memorable phone chats:

so I'm due back at KK for a quick sharing with my team

and to touch base and maybe clear some admin --

and I get this kind of response from my colleagues, haha.

and it hit me how I'm going to really miss this team!

why am I an utter sap who loves too easily.

--

And then here's a Lymond related screenshot-series,

where I think I may have brought up how it does appear like

Lymond is sooo drama, especially in the last book.

(you have been warned for spoilers)

HAHA, bury my feelings under this bitchin' eagle.

honest to God, the biggest problems in life can be avoided

if we can all have honest and open conversations.

and have the courage to face up to ourselves,

so that we can move into the future.

fangirl post 2051

while BTS takes over US media at the moment as they spend

their week in LA and at the American Music Awards

(once again breaking barriers, wooooh clapclap),

I thought I'd blog about Baepsae --

the song I'd meant to talk about waaay earlier and rave about

but then withheld because I didn't want to appear too crazy a fan --

but now I realise it's far too late cause it's pretty much obvious

how much of a general nutso I am, and

how I love this group to pieces; so what the heck:

here's Baepsae.

The reason I'm blogging about Baepsae -- and it's not a new song of theirs either;
is because it's the song that made me a fan. I've realised this upon looking back.
I've been trying to figure that out, you see -- like, where was the turning point?

My first taste of BTS (as it was for many people) was the Dope MV that spread like a slow, steady fire on the internet (end 2015-ish). I can't recall anymore how I stumbled on it; probably from a reaction video, that led me to the actual video. I recall specifically being blown away by the dancing, the energy, and the put-togetherness of the whole video. It was so well-done, I'd never seen anything like it; I just kept rewatching that single video again, and again. But after a while... I drifted away from it -- was never a music person per se, much less a kpop person, you see. (Although yes, Big Bang fan here -- up until the point BTS took over my fan-life, for a good 4 years or so, my ringtone was Big Bang's Haru Haru; hehe, now it's BTS's Cypher Part 4's opening beat.)

And then YouTube feed (the way all social networks work in this day and age) informs me of a new BTS song called Fire. So very quickly, I was back at marveling at the wonder and talent of this group. They are so good at singing these great energetic songs and mesmerising us with their dancing in these beautiful music videos. But at this point, I was still a distance away from it all, until... I came across Baepsae.

I distinctly recall walking back from work and listening to Baepsae, and thinking, ohmygoddd, what is this amazing, addictive beat! And then I looked up the lyrics -- and it was ohhhhmygoddd, what they're saying is awesome! They're basically anti-establishment underdogs, who tell you to fight for your dreams; and the metaphors they use!

yes, so what I'm a crow-tit, you're a stork -- I'll try, I'll fight the system you have here that privileges you, you put us down all the time, but you'll see, we'll make it, and we'll win. After that point, I became voracious with BTS content. I'd figured, they were my thing. This is the kind of stuff I like! They are wonderful. They say amazing things but are cool, and hip, and on top of it all, sweet, and nice, and humble, and lovely young people, who emulate great teamwork and friendship.

Now they're making history. I'm such a big fan of their work, and I'm actually really curious as to how they will keep up that image of fighting the wrongs of the system, now that they're slowly peaking in the music industry. It's easy to sing about being underdogs, and being downtrodden, when you are underdogs, but now? That's the true test, right? What will you do now that you're in a position of power and influence. (As I say this I realise they just joined UN recently for an #EndViolenceAgainstChildren campaign recently, so yay, doing me proud so far.)


The true measure of influence of a piece of art/entertainment, I feel,
is the extent of fan activity that is generated.
(I bear witness to the blooming of HP fandom online since the early days of the internet.
E and I sometimes reminisce on the good old days when there were basically only 2-3 websites for HP fans*, and fanfiction was decent and contained within www.fanfiction.net.)

so anyway, I found these amazing acoustic English covers of BTS songs!

---

*who remembers the internet days of HP Galleries, Sugar Quill, and Gryffindortower.net? haha. I remember coming home from school and visiting those few places on a fairly daily basis for updates. oh, good old fangirling days.

and just, finally to finish, 

Crowley gives a good opinion here, heheh:

there are more important things

Yesterday, I suddenly thought of this, out of the blue, so I dug it up;
it made me feel warmed, motivated.

I'm so glad I discovered and fell in love with this book series in my childhood.


"I might be able to hold Snape off for a while, but I'm no match for him, really."

"But Harry -- what if You-Know-Who's with him?"

"Well -- I was lucky once, wasn't I?" said Harry, pointing at his scar. "I might get lucky again."

Hermione's lip trembled and she suddenly dashed at Harry and threw her arms around him.

"Hermione!"

"Harry -- you're a great wizard, you know."

"I'm not as good as you," said Harry, very embarrassed as she let go of him.

"Me!" said Hermione. "Books! And cleverness! There are more important things -- friendship and bravery and -- oh Harry, be careful!"

-- Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, JK Rowling


A bunch of wonderful 11-year-olds, learning early on, what the important things in life are.
And taking them on.
You know, like: if I don't do this, I don't know who will;
Someone's got to do it; okay, I will.

Excellent little vlog by a young fan

explaining why BTS is awesome!

💜

they are a phenomenon.

I love what these boys represent.

(and feel very gratified that I sort of saw this coming);

at moments like this, I have faith in my taste, haha.

and also! I've figured that my blog posts are rising because
(i) falling down the endless spiral of BTS fandom
(ii) my work that has me sitting at home writing reports -- except of course I will be distracted from my work every other minute, and blog instead
(iii) ?




Thank You God for all matters, and for all things.

seedlings of joy

I've been meaning to get to Andrew Solomon's book, The Noonday Demon!

This man has such an eloquence for telling his stories,

that probably comes from his own pain and the piercing insight he gained

from a lifetime of struggle.

A Buddhist scholar I know once said to me

that Westerners mistakenly think

that nirvana is what arrives when all your woe is behind you

and you only have bliss to look forward to.

But he said that would not be nirvana,

because your bliss in the present

would always be shadowed by the joy in the past.

Nirvana he said, is what you arrive at,

when you only have bliss to look forward to

and find in what looked like sorrows

the seedlings of your joy.

ohmygoodness, hahahaha, this just made my day --

and it's only 1.00PM

(FYI if you're clueless, these are BTS LINE cartoon characters created by the boys -- together with real artists of course -- and then these characters themselves have hilarious stories and antics; and obviously I've  already got them on my phone; and here, they attempt to do human-BTS's Go Go dance. Ohmygoddd, I'm short of squealing at the cuteness and hilarity of it all.)

I've just taken stock of my blog post counter for this year, and I realise this year's posts is the highest in 4 years! I've always wondered: what it is that brings me back here more often. Partly if I'm super excited and I'm fangirling -- so I suppose being down the rabbit hole of BTS fandom is part of the reason haha. But I've also always thought that when I struggle, I blog more. Because writing is my release.

We all know this, it's nothing really new;

and yet, reminders are necessary!

I like how she summarised the pillars of a meaningful life:
(i) belonging -- being acknowledged and loved for who you are, and not simply what you do or believe
(ii) purpose -- essentially boils down to serving others
(iii) transcendence -- can be art, can be religion; you forget who you are and transcend
(iv) storytelling -- telling your story in a good way that transforms you (and this affirms yet again, the power of stories)

Well, this is timely! In light of our recent book.

But then, when is the topic of love untimely...

I can't believe Oxford Union debated about this;

true love doesn't exist now?

But I guess in a secular world, it's a matter of course.

You deny God, you deny true love...

goodness, what's next.

---

You know how you get stuck with a problem

and you muddle over it, for days and days and days,

and you pray it goes away, or you pray for a solution;

and the idea of a solution is usually something you wish would come nicely gift-wrapped;

but then!

when a solution hits you; or as it is often in my case, 

when a solution starts to peep at you from a distance and slowly comes closer

until it's glaring you in the face and you can't ignore it any longer,

you realise, damn it; it's not something you want to do!

grrr.

these are the kinds of moments I'm scared of myself,

because once it's there I can't shut up and ignore it.

and there's no telling what I'd end up doing.

evolving

I had a good weekend; equal parts inspired and pained. C'est la vie, I suppose? I would think that at this age I would get that life is not quite about being happy, but more about embracing the breadth and depth that is the lived experience -- but it's still easier said than done, and it needs to be reminded.

Attended a wonderful event called Kindling Inclusion, where the project team shared their stories about setting up Singapore's first inclusive preschool, Kindle Garden. It's pockets of idealism like this that make this world wonderful to me. Basically, this little Totto-chan-like school has children with added needs (i.e. Down's syndrome kids, ASD kids etc) go along hand-in-hand with all other kids, with no differentiation in treatment or school curriculum experience. And the result is inspiring, and moves me to tears, no joke; this is how human beings should be to each other:

There was a panel discussion after that 

and the people in the crowd that day were just so awesome 

-- I have no words, just seven (+infinite more) purple hearts. 

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜 

And then I had book club which is super super super lovely these days,
and we are picking up momentum with the reading and our last discussion was about love:
that always talked about but still least understood of things.

Gustav Sonata was a nice, comfortable, and subtly beautiful read:

One evening, Adriana said, "Anton was very lucky that he found you on the first day of kindergarten. You've shown him such loyalty, Gustav, and I don't know whether he has ever really paid you back."

"Paid me back?" said Gustav. "Well I don't think of it in those terms. I love Anton. I have always loved him and that's just how it is."



Does wanting to be loved in return prevents one from being truly loving?

Yes, it seems.

But one is only human, and as E often laments -- we're often not evolved enough to take these difficult things on. But maybe we need to aspire to it at least. Or maybe that's the whole point. You don't evolve unless there's something to adapt to.

I really appreciate my new work life, the independence that it affords me. There are days I actually work entirely from home. I marvel at how I've sort of attained what I wanted in such a short time span, Alhamdulillah.

I realise though, I am reverting to my uni days lifestyle, where I sometimes sit in front of my computer or with my books, being distracted by everything else in the world but the work that I need to complete. Even right now, when I should be churning out my reports, I have decided I need to blog. (How is it that blogging has become a need for me. What an excuse, S.)

I have yet to succeed in overcoming my lack of discipline; or as Gustav in my most recent book-club-read The Gustav Sonata said, I have yet to master myself. On the topic of self-discipline, I am also often reminded of Nikola Tesla, whose account of his concerted efforts at self-discipline resulted in amazement at how, ironically, it led to him eventually being able to do what he truly wanted to do. Self-discipline is the key to achieving one's potential, but how do I become disciplined and not kill all my natural curiosity and whimsy? I cannot say that I actually regret my time reading random things or watching random things because I can add to my experience of knowledge and culture; some of the most amazing things I've learnt have been discovered in this serendipitous manner.

*claws* I actually do think that the nafs/appetitive self should be treated more or less like a child. If you keep indulging it, it gets spoiled. I've long taken to picturing my inner monologue as such (for my own self-amusement mostly, haha): 4 entities in my brain, with Aql or The Brain being the bossy one; The Heart being the needy, weepy, emotional one that annoys the hell out of Aql (the relationship between my heart and brain are nowhere as chummy as Awkward Yeti's; my Brain is really mean to my Heart -- I obviously have issues); a Spiritual entity I call my Ruh who is wise and says all these platitudes but is largely ineffectual and hence garners the contempt of Aql; and my Nafs which is a child-monster who doesn't speak but wreaks havoc (like a Hulk-monster thing) when Ruh forgets to put him on a leash. There have been many instances when Aql has tried to persuade Ruh that we should just throw Heart off a cliff or something because she is essentially a nuisance and a hindrance to all sorts of progress, but then Ruh will try to calm Aql down and convince Aql that there's something special about Heart we don't understand so we have to keep her. Ahahhh obviously this is some weird version of Inside Out the movie.


how did I get to all that when all I thought I wanted to do was share this excerpt from Oliver Sacks last essays before he passed on, Gratitude:

I have been increasingly conscious, for the last ten years or so, of deaths among my contemporaries. My generation is on the way out, and each death I have felt as an abruption, a tearing away of part of myself. There will be no one like us when we are gone, but then there is no one like anyone else, ever. When people die, they cannot be replaced. They leave holes that cannot be filled, for it is fate - the genetic and neutral fate - of every human being to be a unique individual, to find his own path, to live his own life, to die his own death.

My predominant feeling is one of gratitude, I have loved and been loved, I have been given much and I have given something in return. Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure.

This is amazing -- except that I now realise how much of an atheist he is, because he had to put in there: the genetic and neutral fate, as though there was never any possibility ever that one's fate is in the hands of anything else. Which I find strange because the concept of fate... it'd be interesting to discuss fate with someone who has no notion or faith of anything supernatural, much less divine. And to have such gratitude as well; to whom would you be grateful then, if not God?

this song is one of my absolute faves at the moment!

I seriously feel like bopping every time I hear this.

it's just such a happy, bouncy, frivolous one;

and also, I have dimples! (okay, I have one) hehe.

Those dimples are illegal, illeeeeeegirl.

(Oh, the almost-unbearable puns!

Fandom joke is that Jin probably came up with it, haha.)

siddiq + wafa' (honouring one's promises) = ikhlas

amanah + nakhwah (ghairah for injustices) = harees

haya' (modesty) + shahamah (compassion) = rauf

shaja' (courage) + kareem (generosity) = rahmah (mercy)



I've said before, and it bears repeating: spiritual recharge is a happy pill. 😌

Been feeling down but then reminders about God and the big picture give great perspective; Alhamdulillah! Sustaining this state is the difficult thing eh. Tonight we laughed over how we metaphorised mindfulness to a switch inside us; sometimes we get heedless and deviate from clarity, cause our switches are off and our brains and hearts are not in the right place -- and so we have to flick our switches back on.

This mindfulness is key, eh. God, help me keep my switch on.

hilm = the ability to not let your buttons get pushed


*zen* God, help me be a better person.

Now be silent.
Let the One who creates the words speak.
He made the door.
He made the lock.
He also made the key.

- Rumi

I typically have phases when I feel like I really, really, really, really, really, just want to be alone,
and escape to a mountain somewhere, away from other human beings.

But then thankfully E manages to make me feel less like an alien, 

(cause maybe she's a fellow alien, hoho)

and I have a good laugh instead.

Hmmm

I'm listening to something now, and I am reminded: heaven is surrounded with difficult things while hell is surrounded by attractive things.

😔  ganbatte, let's work hard and endure!

spoilers! for Peaky Blinders Season 3



I don't know that it's right; it probably isn't -- but what I end up doing when pain, existential pain, heartaches, beset me, is to eventually return to stories; and I typically feel at least a little restored. I am well-aware I should probably do a page of the Qura'an perhaps, do some zikr or remembrance of God; and at some instances, I think I unconsciously do. But it is through stories and then when I write here in reflection of those stories, that I feel nicely-purged of whatever emotional poison I feel sits somewhere in my chest.

It is stories that show us that our pains are not unique, that life gets to the best of people -- in fact, the worst of life gets to the best of people, it appears at times. That great character builds with pain and difficult crossroads, and that though some or most of these characters are fiction, it's perhaps not impossible that you could aspire to some similar level of greatness, that maybe you don't have to be hopeless, that the minute level of pain you encounter in life can be overcome so that you can be someone worthy of your own love and admiration.

The older I get, the more I've come to appreciate art in its varied forms; yes, still as entertainment, but more, as an expression of all of life's subtle or not-so-subtle difficulties and accompanying beauty.


I'm not sure how I segued into that, but I was appreciating this wonderful actor, who is making me keep watching Peaky Blinders although the Season 3 plot has lost its pull on me a little. Not to mention that an important character dies, and an-already-damaged Tommy Shelby does not need that lah, come on... haha. Can't we have some fairytale in fiction, please. I mean, seriously, if Philippa had died, can you imagine what would have happened to Lymond? I don't even want to imagine the pain he would feel, on top of the fact that he would probably blame himself for it.

But to get back: kudos to Cillian Murphy who plays Tommy Shelby so plausibly and convincingly, 

I am still buying him as my damaged hero/protagonist. True artists are to be appreciated.

Isn't it the truth that actually,
one person makes all the difference to your world?

and you realise they were put there for you.
I am grateful to You.

Back in SG and missing Nihon and the company a whole lot 💜💜💜

I'm sitting at Burger Up at the moment, whiling some time before my next therapy session -- I should probably use this time productively -- but I can't yet; withdrawal symptoms and all. I'm still in holiday mood and cannot bring myself to trudge through work.

Instead, I'm reorganizing my photos for FB -- stupid album function that makes ordering the photos a nightmare; all the photos are messed up right now so I can't tell our story in any proper chronological manner, and that's important to me. So now, I'm painstakingly numbering the photos in my computer folder to see if it helps and I'll reupload it all later.

Stories are important! Stories give context, and meaning, and depth and attachment to pictures. Even the prettiest pictures mean less without the proper context.

For instance, this here, is one of my favourites, 

because we were chilling after lunch

along Lake Kawaguchi. 

We had all the time till our bus ride at 7+pm 

and we sat down telling ghost stories.

Time flew by until it got dark 

and we had to trek back to Kawaguchiko station.

There was friction here and there among us throughout the trip

(mainly between my stubborn brother and my equally-stubborn self)

but most of the time, we cracked each other up a lot of the time

and I had such an enjoyable getaway.

The unbelievably lame jokes from A and S every other hour;

the laughing over our cluelessness;

our Taboo and Heads-Up games while queueing for rides or at night in our ryokan;

the playing and cheering each other on at arcades,

screaming whenever one of the boys managed to win a plushy.

I felt like we were all still young kids like we were years and years ago,

traveling together.

Our long-awaited cousin trip to Japan starts this evening!
I'm finally starting to feel the excitement creep in
cause I finally got done with admin work.

yayyyys, Japan, how I have missed you!

here are some cute Japan-related drawings 

from Florence Chavouet's graphic books 

(I totally adore them!)

yes, life doesn't have to be so hard, S, if you just let God, right.

ittekimasu, guys, I'm going to disappear for a while (:

Cute moment from today!:

I was doing a formal speech assessment with one of my little girls,
and as is typical, we have picture stimuli to elicit words from our kids.


Me: The boy gave the girl some flowers, what should she say?

Kid: I love you

I burst out laughing.

Me: No, no, no, before that, before that! 

Kid: Hehehehe


She had no clue 😆  -- the kid has bad speech and language delay, seriously, I'm appalled; how you gonna go Primary 1 in a few months, girl! But she's got romance down pat.

I've become the quintessential RG girl stereotype.

That's what I've been thinking and realising lately. This is significant because I'd never considered myself one. I'd always thought growing up that I didn't quite fit in; I don't think I generally spoke my mind like some of my more opinionated peers, nor did I feel I was a particularly driven sort of person. (Although well, what was more Rafflesian than a do or die attitude, a ruthlessness almost; and I felt that pervaded the entire school population, more or less.)

But lately, as a fully-grown adult, I've realised how much more I've needed to hold my tongue and bite back a remark -- which is a complete 180-turn from my adolescent and younger days, when I distinctly recall having stuff to say but feeling irrationally nervous about saying it out loud. Maybe it's all about maturity and aging, when you learn to care less and less about what others might think of you and more concerned about the matter at hand. Whatever it is, these days I actually have to tell myself: shut up and listen first. Because I'm actually afraid of how brazen and bossy I've become, I think, and I'm aware people generally don't like being preached to. It's really hard sometimes though! I can't stand illogicalities; I have thoughts and I need to say them!

Looking back, I'm thinking maybe I've sort of always been like this, but perhaps it was more latent or dormant. And now it's a loud, raging monster. My siblings would attest to how bossy I was growing up, for instance. Haha, I remember how we used to play together in the early days of video and computer games: my brother would control the buttons, I'd tell him what to do, and my sister would watch and cheer us on. I remember one of my SLP coursemates, A, also calling me bossy, during one of our case study discussions, hahaaaah. He said it kindly too and I was like Whaaaaat, reallly, I don't mean to.... but we were all really good friends anyway; and I'm thinking I'm free to be my bossy self around people I'm comfortable with. But as I grow older, I'm sometimes getting bossy even in unfamiliar spaces and with unfamiliar people, meh.

Ah wells, good or not -- I'm tempering myself, because moderation in all things eh, and words are best when deliberated and well-thought out anyway.

I'm not fully caught up yet with all Peaky Blinders seasons,

but I'm loving this show largely because

I'm such a sucker for hero archetypes.

And I also really like their main OST actually;

there's something about the juxtaposition of the somewhat-light music

with the heavy content and violence of the show that gets me:

(mainly Season 1 spoilers only!)

Favourite woobie moment from Thomas Shelby is of course the end bit there:

What song would you like? Happy or sad?

Sad.

But I warn you. It'll break your heart.

Already broken.

It seems to be a pattern in recent times, that I'm observing, or more like I've discovered: that emotions drive everything. You might think you're making rational choices or being intellectual, but at the end of the day, what drives most of us is the emotionally-laden basal ganglia.

For instance, just writing on this blog -- as much as I wish it were an intellectual exercise -- is at its basis an emotionally-driven activity. Like, on Friday, I felt a certain way and had a certain post in mind; but then Saturday came and I felt differently and wanted to post something entirely different, and the only thing that differed between the two days was how I felt about a subject matter. And thinking about all of that plus more made me highly despondent/depressed that I didn't blog at all!


Perhaps life and maturity is about rising above our basal ganglias and acting with our prefrontal cortex instead, as posited by Mindsight (that great book I raved about at the start of the year).

Anyway, point form!:

*loving BTS's current album Love Yourself: Her a lot and that's saying something considering how much I loved their previous major album Wings. With Wings, I know I had favourites among the tracks and I didn't love all tracks equally although I did think that each track sounded unique. But this album, ohmegadddd. I have been playing it incessantly on loop now, and I love each track very much (except for one); ohmygosh how are they so awesome.

*in relation to this, awesome youtube comment that validated all of us older and/or nerdier fans:

and like I told E, people should stop comparing BTS to One Direction or what not -- ugh please. It's like comparing Harry Potter with Twilight, stoppit! (or should I say stahb it, hehe)

*had amazing book club meeting this past Sunday with a new member and I am so psyched! :))) We will also have another new member at the next meeting (I'm looking at you, Datin S!) and yay, I am so happy the club is growing positively.

*started watching Peaky Blinders starring Cillian Murphy (because of book club members raving about it on Sunday) -- and my main gripe is how I have not known about this show sooner. I am loving it so far!!! It's full of Lymond vibes, how could I not.

*last but not least.... Japan!!!!!!! Happening in less than two weeks. We are so hyped up about it, North Korea's crazy antics notwithstanding. Allah, please protect us all.

fangirl post no. 1062

I wonder if this is how it's going to be from now on.

I'm such a fan now,

I can't not post every time BTS has a new song.

objectively guys, objectively,

remove my fan-bias,

how is this not legitimately a gorgeous video shot?

Away from the boys and their music,
you could just fan their production team for their
video-making skills. (I'm considering doing this, ahhahaah.)
This is just gorgeous artwork.

I maintain Serendipity (below from a previous post)
as still my absolute favourite art piece from them;
but just... I'm rarely unimpressed.
This one is another explosion of colour on your screen; try it out.
Not to mention the harmony in the music that meshes so well with the visuals.

Everything about this team sings out in harmony,

and there lies the beauty. That wins over all our hearts.

Recent things have made me recall this comic:

hahaha 😆

So I just finished watching The Promise, a movie that chronicles the Armenian genocide in Turkey in World War I. Cried buckets. It made think of what the Rohingyas are probably going through right now -- and it enrages me so much.

Why is it that at any point of time in the history of humanity, some groups of people are always trying to kill off some other groups of people? What is wrong with humans, seriously! Why does anyone think it is okay to kill off masses of innocent lives? It's unbelievable and completely baffling to me, and therefore entirely enraging.

Every human being is a human being. Can we all, for goodness sake, for God's sake, please just look at each other as human beings? Even in YouTube comments, you see people then doing the same stupid racist things that result in the dehumanizing that makes genocide possible in the first place, you know? People insulting Turks entirely or the Japanese entirely. Just stop hating people for no other reason than them belonging to some arbitrary group!

There's this other amazing, amazing movie:

which is awesome in an all-round way, really: captured all the horrors of war,

and yet managed to have beautiful, light-hearted moments,

as well as dialogue and action scenes full of oomph 

(I don't know how else to describe them, haha).

Not to mention it stars Song Joong Ki (who took forever to appear on-screen),

who can do no wrong at the moment -- 

at the peak of his career and marrying arguably Korea's most beautiful woman.

I am digressing -- these are great stories,

not entirely novel, sure;

but that apparently humanity doesn't appear to ever learn from...

😢

I need to go watch something happy now.

I'll probably sound elitist and egotistical, but I can't stand it anymore. It infuriates me.

What I've been realising as I've interacted with different groups of people throughout life, is that most people are incapable of having a true and deep discussion about matters, because before they can come close to probing the deeper issues, their ego or their emotional baggage besets them and gets in the way. Such people have probably never had the pleasure of having enlightening conversations with others.

I think it boils down to having good listening skills, having a good opinion of others, and a striving to understand the other person's perspective, rather than making conclusions about them prematurely and shutting them down before you've really understood them. Stop being pompous all the time and thinking you know all the answers! It's exhausting to have to converse with you.

God help me if some people drive me up the wall, the way they talk.

💙

Spiritual recharge is pretty much the equivalent of a happy pill, Alhamdulillah. 😌

Four gifts come with closeness to God, with connection to the Beloved s.a.w.:

💜  Rahmah Qudrah, the will and ability to overcome the formidable and achieve the unimaginable
💜  Nur Tamsyuna bihi, a light with which to discern truth from falsehood
💜  Syafaqah, increased compassion and tolerance
💜  Maghfirah, forgiveness from God


---

I love this so much I am going to post it again.

(Yes, I love it that much.)

The universe has moved for us

There wasn't even a little miss

Just let me love you

Still on a John Oliver binge 

(although thankfully not pumped on coffee; 

such previous 2am-posts should not be repeated).

I re-watched this:

And it brings me to the topic of just public anything: if you're a professional in a public system, chances are you are at the very least frustrated with the way things work. The above is an extreme example thankfully not from my country (although who knows how things really are in my country; we don't have a John Oliver equivalent and even if we did, he'd be jailed on Day 1 of his show), but listening to it brings up all my latent rage at the way some things are done in the systems and institutions that I function or have functioned in.

To be fair and not completely ungrateful, our local system and the government tries; it does. But when dollars and cents are the bottomline in our inescapable capitalist world, something always has to give. And often, it is quality -- because we all know KPI are the golden nuggets we aim for instead. This, more than anything, I realise, is what drove me out of the hospital into the community -- I may get into trouble for this but goodness, it has to be said: if I had a child who needed language therapy, no way would I rely on therapists in our public hospitals. Not because they are terrible therapists to begin with -- hey, I'm one myself, and one parent actually told me she felt therapists in the hospitals always seem better to her, true or not ahah -- but because they have to work in a system that is difficult, if not impossible. Absolutely crazy waitlists and enormous caseloads which meant that we saw children with such poor frequency, we may as well not see them at all. I had little confidence that I was making a difference to my children other than being a general placebo effect. I shall concede that parent education was a bit better -- because what little time I had with parents, I tried to make them understand the gravity of the disorder that their child had and how to interact with them better, and that sometimes needs less than a few therapy sessions fortunately.

I have to put a disclaimer here though, that I am speaking mainly with regard to language therapy, although I'd say most other communication disorders including speech, voice, and stuttering are not invulnerable to the same problem. When the system that you function in chokes the very thing you do, there are only rightfully two options: either you change the system or you get out. The hospital was an impregnable fortress whose systems are so entrenched and far too entwined at high ministerial and managerial levels to make any major change; it felt like a hopeless case. I mean, when we had a dialogue with our team director once, he expressed his understanding of our woes i.e. 8-session workdays with concurrent ongoing multiple projects that burnt us out, but insisted that his hands were similarly tied unless we could prove that having 4-session days for instance could tangibly raise outcome measures e.g. percentage consonants correct. Ludicrous in every sense; in what world and with what time would we have the luxury to do such studies. We were already maxed out as we were.

So now I'm out of the hospital, happy to do what feels like better-quality speech and language therapy within the schools -- until... I realise this is still Singapore, and crappy systems with stupid KPI goals still exist. But! The system is so new, so young, and so uncertain, I feel like it has the potential to change and evolve into something better -- before it becomes set in stone like archaic, old, immovable systems. A healthy philosophy needs to underpin the system if it needs to be sustainable in the long run -- doesn't Google have the winning formula? I've been to Google! They treat their people like royalty, and they're the most prominent cyber company in the entire world! You would think other companies and other systems might get a clue by now. If you have quality brains working for you, you feed it quality input, then you're more likely to get quality output; you don't treat it like crap, simply apologize, and tell them to deal with reality. It's not rocket science.

I will try to push for change, I will. Ganbatte, S! Because while the hospital appears impossible (and I have to say I salute those people who stay to make things better!), where I am right now may be more amenable to change.

thoughts / anecdotes from tonight / today:

• (cleaning the kitchen while listening to Shaykh Hamza:) apparently, ibn Abbas r.a. related: The only similarity between this world and paradise are the names of things. Paradise must be truly unimaginable and I hope (it must be, of course!) wonderfully, wonderfully so.
• I seriously need to start working with time, instead of against it. come on, S, you need to stop being in denial about the nature of time. It's like I'll have actually a gazillion things to do and I leave it all to after work or after dinner, which means inevitably, I will stretch it beyond midnight -- because obviously my brain conveniently does not think what having to plan 4 sessions of therapy and also completing 10 freaking reports actually entail, and therefore how much time is needed. There must be a better way to live life, S, so that you can actually achieve your intended lifestyle goals.
• yes, I'm 30, and as a woman you start thinking you'll never be beautiful ever again -- not that I ever considered myself as much to begin with -- but I occasionally look at myself, and I think, hey, come on, S, if you make yourself even that little bit slimmer, you'll be gorgeous. oh dear, I crack up at my own optimism sometimes because where the heck is it coming from, right! I've been harbouring a burning flame to make myself gorgeous; I just need to sustain this outward vanity long enough to actually make things happen. (I just know I will totally regret this entire bullet point tomorrow when my coffee-high from tonight fades; yes, I drank coffee tonight to tide through the work, someone please save me from myself.)
• I've been catching up on John Oliver's Last Week Tonight on YouTube -- and every time, I keep thinking how awesome it is! and how I wish we have this as a necessary (independent) adjunct to all mass media in all democracies of the world. And while I also love Jon Stewart's and now Trevor Noah's The Daily Show, it doesn't quite do what John Oliver does on his show. What John Oliver does is break down the news for you -- which is honestly, confusing as crap most if not all the time -- into understandable, essential bits. Of course, the humour is an added bonus, but I would still watch for his content even if it was delivered in a monotone! Because despite the sometimes over-the-top crude jokes that appear, the content is so good. You see, being a crazy busy person in this crazy capitalist world, you do not have the luxury to sit down and read every single news on the planet, much less analyse them deeply to get past all the crap to the core of things. John Oliver however, does it for you -- he summarises the news for the week in as layman terms as possible, defining words and acronyms bandied about by news pundits, and eventually, ends his segment with a So What Do We Do From Here? Which is essentially what the rest of us want to know! Not all of us are political scientists. And that's why I feel news media in general feels disingenuous most of the time because they tell us things but I get the sense they're not telling us things really, and if you're just not smart enough or don't think enough, you're really going to be duped! And essentially that's how positions of power control the masses in supposedly democractic societies, isn't it.

Here's an example of how John Oliver 

tries to break down a week of chaos in the US 

with some basic questions, haha:

(i) What the f* is going on?

(ii) How big a deal is this?

(iii) Where do we go from here?

(iv) Is this Real Life?

• Last but certainly not least, BTS just dropped this trailer for their upcoming album. I must be super-biased because I'm starting to almost love these boys unconditionally or something -- but how is this not just heart-thuddingly sweet? Look at the visual aesthetics and the symbolism, and the meaning of the lyrics! I just--

💜

Once, during a book club discussion, we had talked about how much we were shaped by our parents -- both genes-wise and through parenting -- and how to this very day, the very actions we perform and the people we are, are reflections of the emotions that were wrought while we were in our early childhood (and perhaps later as well) in their presence or lack thereof. And it is not uncommon, when you talk to your friends, to find how much of their life philosophies can be traced back to how much they wish or don't wish to turn out like their parents.

I hope that I have learnt to no longer resent or blame my parents as teenagers are wont to do -- but it does not negate the fact that I realise there are some things in my life that are a result of how I have interacted with my parents. It makes me feel horror, more than anything else, that one really cannot escape one's ancestry and upbringing.

I just realised today that my mother has unintentionally taught me really well not to care for others' opinion of me. Because she was the quintessential example of someone who did care. And I suffered under her scrutiny and approval for the longest time in my childhood, until one day, it came to me that maybe what she thought might not matter; that her benchmark and her measure of me did not have to be my world; and that maybe her word was not necessarily law. And I was slowly and surely liberated from the prison of her expectations. I have realised that from then on, subconsciously I had learnt to very finely and adeptly sieve out people whose opinions do not matter to me, and they are effectively out of my picture. I believe I was generally impervious to bullying and gossip growing up (on top of the fact that I was so blur to begin with, and pretty much did not care what everyone else was doing or talking about). But I think this is what scares me now.

I have found that I am so good at disregarding certain people because I actually think so little of how they think; I judge them quickly and subconsciously whether they fall into the particular category -- to be accorded respect as any human being, but whose opinions I feel hold little weight and impact on my life. I really am not sure if this is a positive skill, but right now, because it includes my mother in one fell swoop -- I wonder if in essence it makes me a terrible, terrible, dismissive person.

I have discussed this with E before -- when we had concluded that she was frequently so riled and bothered by other people because she expected so much more from all of them -- but I on the other hand appear so tolerant and accepting only because I have already pre-judged them: people are generally terrible, rude, self-centered, so don't let's get bothered if they're mean to you. And I appear so awesome and tolerant on the surface, right? I have so little faith and expectation of people. And that's what gets me by in life unbothered.

In my true style, all of this reminds me of a fictional character: the Mord-Sith Cara from Terry Goodkind's Legend of the Seeker. 

Wahhh, this should be like compulsory consumption for me every day.

My favourite take-away from this is the 5-second rule from Mel Robbins:

which basically means counting down like a rocket (5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Move)

and then moving yourself into action instead of hesitating.

Apparently, why it works is that

doing this disrupts your autopilot habits and behaviours that is driven by your basal ganglia,

and diverts activity to your prefrontal cortex instead.

can't believe some people can still think like this

in our globalized world.

love yourself;

that's the theme of their next comeback,

and if you're at all clued in, there's been a series of 

short little sketches as a prelude.

ohmygoodness, I am so stunned at what happened at the end there. Did they just reference Spring Day -- the scene of the ocean comes into view just like in Spring Day's music video -- on top of Run and I Need You? And also Blood, Sweat and Tears? 😳  I am internally gasping at the connections. How are BigHit and BTS doing this??? And ohmygoodness, are all of the characters representations of Jin; are they all the same person?

I wish I had the time to pick this all apart.
As it is, because my brain has been elsewhere, I saw this later than most fans.



Why is it that the happiest of moments usher in sudden fear?

If we could turn back the clock, where should we go back to? 
Once we reach that place, can all our mistakes and errors be undone? 
Will happiness be ours to stay?

Though many seasons pass, 
there are places that cannot be reached
Yet another storm to be faced
and to be weathered head-on
Loving without fear
Hesitating and parting
Merely living as the person I am

Today, I had a session with Gee: my adorable, unicorn-loving, American-accented, high-functioning Asperger's child. After a rather chatty, hyper session, I walked back upstairs to send her back to her classmates... only to have her rapidly change from hyper and cheerful, to broken and in tears by the time we reached her classroom.

Teacher Sham, I will miss you! Tears were streaming down her face! and she was struggling between sobs.

My first clinical response was to model to her some emotional regulation, you know. So I spoke calmly and didn't match her increasingly agitated behaviour; I told her slowly and repeatedly, I would see her again next week, there's no need to cry. And to be honest, I was still half-analysing how much of her behaviour was attention-seeking rather than instinctive. But after a while, looking at her increasingly wet cheeks and hearing her sob whilst rummaging through her backpack for her naptime things, my heart couldn't tahan anymore. My little adorable darling.


How the world must be to you.

It's not an uncommon thing for persons on the autism spectrum to feel emotions in absolutes and swing from extreme sensations; you would think they had mood disorders the way they change in an instant (ohhh, wait, is that what happens when they're adults? they get diagnosed with other mental issues as well?) There's no in-between. One moment it's I'm sooo happy and excited, and the next, it's like the end of the world. And I was just reading today too, about Matt Savage who has autism and is a musical savant; and he'd said, "When I was a kid, I would throw temper tantrums, just when I couldn't deal with something. I would be positive and bouncy one (moment), and then just getting angry -- like not feeling disappointed, or frustrated, or even sad, just angry. Nothing in between. I didn't know how to feel some other kind of emotion. That was true of everything, whether I was feeling happy (or some other emotion), it would just be like, this is an eternity, this is wonderful, that was all I knew. (The idea that a mind or mood could change), that it's flexible and people can be subtle and not literal, that was the hardest part (of social interaction) for me." (From The Power of Different by Gail Saltz, M.D.)

Thinking about little Gee, and other special people like her, I wondered how it must be to be told how to feel. And that isn't the world strange, making everyone not just think the way we expect them to, but ensuring they feel the feelings we do as well. Why do we all grow up learning to fall into line about how we should think, and feel, and live our lives? Is that what life is all about, that we all learn to fall into the norm and live up to some set of expectations (who set them anyway)? Extremes like Gee suffer the most because they are apparently most disparate from the mean but don't the rest of us struggle to conform as well? Must we all suppress our inner states to appear placid and consistent on the surface?

I don't know. At moments like this, I wonder if this is how therapists should think; how can I supposedly fix her if I don't think she should be fixed? ohhh, fixed is a bad word. People are not to be fixed, are they? They are meant to be understood, and loved, and appreciated, and allowed to flourish. Sometimes... when I catch myself thinking like this, I realise that if I can't change the world or change even the systems big or small that I function in, I can change my own mindset and at least have a little idealism around me.

---

Speaking of emotions and emotional regulation, I've said, haven't I, that I'm an emotional junkie? I feed on emotionally-rich stories. I feel emotions intensely; and though my experience is probably nowhere near Gee's, I do feel an external pressure that I'm wrong for being so intense. That it's not normal, S. Would you just chill and be a little more normal.


I've realised just tonight that this year has had a rather sad dearth of dramas so far. It's already July, and no particular drama has properly captured my heart. And now, I'm recalling last year's excellent batch of kdramas, one of which was W -- which as I think on it, despite it's slightly disappointing end -- is really one of the best things ever to be made on TV.

It's calling me for a re-watch.

If nothing else serves after a while, even Poldark,

I probably will succumb.

I sometimes wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear which is inherent in the human situation.

-- Graham Greene

I badly want to write but I can't because I have a pile of reports to get through, guhhh.

I will be back at a better time.

But oh yes, Happy National Day! What else is more Singaporean than being overworked, right?

I didn't update earlier how Running Man's cancellation was cancelled, haha -- apparently due to sheer force of will on Kim Jong Kook's part especially -- he'd persuaded all parties to reconsider and reconcile. So anyway, Running Man has been running but with a revamp since 2017 began: two new cast members who I thoroughly approve. They both meld nicely into the team's dynamic.

I wanted to post this episode only because the race portion at the end of the episode was a super exciting one that I haven't seen in a while on the show! And it is proven once again that Yoo Jae Suk is really one smart cookie, don't let his looks deceive you, haha. I forgot that this was what made Running Man so famous in the early days; a good chase plus mystery plus psychological mind tricks make a seriously awesome combination. The closest I ever came to that kind of excitement in real life were our endless games during SLP NUS days (god, I miss my class so bad) and one of the escape rooms I played with my colleagues once.

I finally watched Ex-Machina;

and as it is one of Christopher Nolan's, I was already anticipating stuff 

(this makes things less surprising in general for me -- 

cause I saw a few too many things coming), 

so it isn't one of my favourites.

Interstellar remains my most mind-bending favourite.

But because he has mind-bending dialogue littered here and there as well,

it was still good!

And this Jackson Pollock one got me.

I have long suspected this:

falling in love is an art too, 

and if you're questioning why too much,

you won't fall in love.

In a strange mood; feeling incredibly tired after such a packed day but refusing to sleep because I haven't had my dose of a book/story/show/song/video/something that satisfies me -- and this is what I am addicted to obviously. I am an adrenaline junkie of the emotional sort. Super exciting stories are what appear to be my drug, and right now, it's been somewhat a lull and I've been jumping around looking for quality content.

Okay, I should give up and strive for an improved lifestyle. I will retire soon, but here's what I'm reading now: a review of Game of Kings!


And this line from Lymond is hitting me tonight. It's lighting a fire inside my heart, in a good way. Alhamdulillah! To a future of striving and not giving up.

“I despised men who accepted their fate. I shaped mine twenty times and had it broken twenty times in my hands.”