That's what I've been thinking and realising lately. This is significant because I'd never considered myself one. I'd always thought growing up that I didn't quite fit in; I don't think I generally spoke my mind like some of my more opinionated peers, nor did I feel I was a particularly driven sort of person. (Although well, what was more Rafflesian than a do or die attitude, a ruthlessness almost; and I felt that pervaded the entire school population, more or less.)
But lately, as a fully-grown adult, I've realised how much more I've needed to hold my tongue and bite back a remark -- which is a complete 180-turn from my adolescent and younger days, when I distinctly recall having stuff to say but feeling irrationally nervous about saying it out loud. Maybe it's all about maturity and aging, when you learn to care less and less about what others might think of you and more concerned about the matter at hand. Whatever it is, these days I actually have to tell myself: shut up and listen first. Because I'm actually afraid of how brazen and bossy I've become, I think, and I'm aware people generally don't like being preached to. It's really hard sometimes though! I can't stand illogicalities; I have thoughts and I need to say them!
Looking back, I'm thinking maybe I've sort of always been like this, but perhaps it was more latent or dormant. And now it's a loud, raging monster. My siblings would attest to how bossy I was growing up, for instance. Haha, I remember how we used to play together in the early days of video and computer games: my brother would control the buttons, I'd tell him what to do, and my sister would watch and cheer us on. I remember one of my SLP coursemates, A, also calling me bossy, during one of our case study discussions, hahaaaah. He said it kindly too and I was like Whaaaaat, reallly, I don't mean to.... but we were all really good friends anyway; and I'm thinking I'm free to be my bossy self around people I'm comfortable with. But as I grow older, I'm sometimes getting bossy even in unfamiliar spaces and with unfamiliar people, meh.
Ah wells, good or not -- I'm tempering myself, because moderation in all things eh, and words are best when deliberated and well-thought out anyway.
I'm not fully caught up yet with all Peaky Blinders seasons,
but I'm loving this show largely because
I'm such a sucker for hero archetypes.
And I also really like their main OST actually;
there's something about the juxtaposition of the somewhat-light music
with the heavy content and violence of the show that gets me:
(mainly Season 1 spoilers only!)
Favourite woobie moment from Thomas Shelby is of course the end bit there:
What song would you like? Happy or sad?
Sad.
But I warn you. It'll break your heart.
Already broken.
No comments:
Post a Comment