The world makes you into either a saint or a cynic.

I shall not let my idealism transform into cynicism. Yes, sometimes, the rose-tinted lenses through which I view the world get shattered, but I've always thus far managed to piece the fragments back together somehow. Because you know, sometimes, at certain moments, with certain people, the world is truly pretty, even without my having to paint it all in pretty colours.

Also, this quote is in my head now; the first time I read it was in a Draco/Ginny fanfic, years ago in secondary school, and from the first time, it stuck. I don't even know if the author came up with it herself, or she quoted from somewhere else. I've always thought it was beautiful:

They say love is blind. But it's not. It sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it's willing to see less.

---

Today, my sister (you are greatly missed, my ultimate spaz buddy.) messaged from Egypt:

Hello sisu! :D How are youz. Kita dah balek ke Cairo drpd dandara. Mia-chan, muktamar is sugoi. HAVE YOU BEEN EATING RUBBISH?! Did amirudeen call? Hehe. I forgot how some ppl are super jinjang here. Hehe. Okay <3 you!

I think I badly want to go for muktamar next year. I bet it'll be exciting too -- cause it'll be the last one before 2012. *cue dramatic music*

When so many people seem to be constantly lying, how does one discern truth? :(

What on earth is JayZ saying in his songs. Seriously. Even if you don't buy in to all the conspiracy theory stuff (Rockefellers and corporate moguls and Satan at the top of it all running and corrupting the world etc), you have got to wonder what the frak at least 80% of his lyrics even refer to!

For instance, from the song/rap Roc Boys:

The Roc Boys in the building tonight
Look at how I'm chilling, I'm killing this ice
You don't even gotta bring ya purses out
We the dope boys of the year, drinks is on the house

and

I get away with murder when I sling yay
Niggas got less steps then Britney
That means it ain't stepped on, dig me?

No, I don't dig you. What steps? What ice? Am I missing something? But you don't really mean for people to get you, do you, JayZ, you cryptic evil person wrapped up in Mr. Nice Guy who married Beyonce.

I feel like we should let a team of cryptographers and detectives or maybe, literature professors, work on JayZ's album, and let them come up with an interpretation. It's like way harder than Shakespeare or Chaucer or Dunnett (haha) or any other literature. And it appalls me how the general person doesn't even care what the lyrics mean while they listen, and these people, like JayZ and that mad woman Lady Gaga, are winning fame, glory and wealth and influencing the youngsters of the world. I mean, if you are not awake to how nuts all this seems... I don't know. Are you awake?

Some more nutty, incomprehensible rap lyrics from JayZ's Hovi Baby (which is by the way, in itself, confusing -- because what the heck is hovi? Because as far as my research with google goes, the only Hovi I could identify was short for Hovawart, which is a dog... so, you tell me.):

Jeah, look
I'm so far ahead of my time, I'm bout to start another life
Look behind you, I'm bout to pass you twice
Back to the future and gotta slow up for the present
I'm fast, niggaz can't get past my past
How they propose to deal with my perfect present?
When I unwrap "The Gift & the Curse" in one session
Ain't no livin person can test him
Only two restin in heaven can be mentioned in the same breath as him
Seven straight summers, critics might not admit it
But nobody in rap did it, quite like I did it
If you did it I done it before, you get I had it
Got mad at it and don't want it no more
And that goes for everything from flippin that raw
Flippin whores, flippin vocal chords, don't get it twisted
Get it right, did different, did it better, did it nice
Did the impossible then did it twice (get it right)

Sometimes I think it might have been God's mercy or guidance that I ended up in Jpop and Kpop instead, although I was never much into mainstream American music anyway. And while yes, Asian entertainment is not necessarily free of the same vices of lechery or violence, at least the lyrics are mostly understandable and don't seem to cryptically hint at some weird evil. At least, my dear Arashi boys aren't wearing masonry symbols (by the way, stop lying about the hand symbol being a diamond, JayZ. -.- It is so obviously freemasonry.). They sing lame songs about rainbows and clouds and cheesy love, but obviously not evil is the point.

When you say things like this:

Roc-A-Fella Records
Dynasty continues, y'all die
Uh Huh, peace! 

 ~ Show Me What You Got

EVIL. Who tells people to die in their songs?! And then you say peace??? Mad, is it.

From a muslim sister maria.

A Strong Woman vs. A Woman of Strength 


A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape…
but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape…
A strong woman isn’t afraid of anything…
but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear…
A strong woman won’t let anyone get the best of her…
but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone…
A strong woman walks sure-footedly…
but a woman of strength knows Allah will catch her when she falls…
A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face…
but a woman of strength wears grace…
A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey… but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.

---

We Should Be THANKFUL...


We should be thankful that we don’t already have everything we desire,
If we did, what would there be for us to look forward to?
We should be thankful when we don’t know something,
for it gives us the opportunity to learn.
We should be thankful for the difficult times,
during those times we grow.
We should be thankful for our limitations,
because they give us opportunities for improvement.
We should be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build our strength and character.
We should be thankful for our mistakes,
they will teach us valuable lessons.
We should be thankful when we are tired and weary,
because it means we have made a difference.
It is easy to be thankful for the good things.  
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.
GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive. We should find a way to be thankful for our troubles, for they can become our blessings.

:DDDDDD



I am so happy right now. Shaykh Hamza has tapak sandal Nabi s.a.w. on his wall (which is what we Dandarawis use all the time). It appears at 7.09 minutes. And he reads from Surat At-Taubah Ayat 128-129, which we read ALL THE TIME. My instinct was spot on, lah. OHMYGOSH. Sometimes, I think I am amazing. Haha.

@.@ Either he's already a Dandarawi at heart, or his background is from the Ahmadi Tariqah. I have to go ask Abah (when they all come back) if our selawats are based on Ahmadi or stg.

but ohmygosh, whatever it is -- SO HAPPY.

Where else can I find a man who chokes up with tears when he talks about how proud he is to see a sister with the hijab. Seriously. And so many other men are reading FHM and watching half-naked women on Miss Universe.





<3

Wah, that's it seh. Every man I meet from now on will be measured up to this standard.

Love Maki!

More than anything, I'm disappointed with myself. I'm supposed to be smarter than this.

---

From a muslim sister maria:

Repel the thought, for if you don’t, it becomes an idea. So repel the idea, for if you don’t it will become a desire. So fight against that (desire), for if you don’t, it will become a determination and a passion and if you don’t repel that, it will become an action. And if you don’t replace it with its opposite, it will become a constant habit. So at that point, it will be difficult for you to change it.

---

I love my granny lah, oh my gosh. She's seriously damn funny. She came over to stay these past few days before my parents and sister fly off to Egypt (leaving me all alone - yay? haha.), and when I chat her up, she always cracks me up.

Shah Rukh Khan apa yang lawa, renung lama-lama, muka macam Badul. 


Every time I talk to her, I realise I'm digging up my old chest of Malay vocabulary, and I suppose this improves my fluency. yayyy. Like today, I used the word uruskan (i.e. manage). Haha, I don't think I've ever used that in speech; at least, not that I can recall.

---

“A man came to the Prophet (SAW) and asked him “O Allah’s Messenger, tell me of something I can do to win Allah’s love and people’s love”. The Prophet answered “Do not love this world, Allah would love you and do not have a longing for whatever people have, people would love you”.  (Ibn-Majah) 

”There are three characteristics whoever has them will taste the sweetness of faith: that Allah and His Messenger(saw) are more loved by him than everything else, that he loves or does not love a person only for Allah’s sake and that he would hate to revert into disbelief just as he would hate to be thrown into fire.” (Al-Bukhari) 



From a muslim sister maria.

Warning: Lymond Fan Raving

I am in my I-need-my-Lymond-fix mood. You know, I realise, crap, I miss Lymond like crazy and wonder where my days of comfortable fangirling over English (haha) books have gone, and spazzing over wonderfully crafted phrases and profound lines. When will I ever have the time to reread Lymond? I feel like it's never going to happen or something.

Oh God, I feel old again. I feel like I'm being swept up by this horrible tide into the future, but I'm nowhere near ready or willing.

Anyway, before I ramble nonstop about incomprehensible feelings of girl-to-adult-woman transition, let me get back to my Lymond spaz: I went quote-hunting again. But of course, there isn't a one-stop place to find my favourite quotes. Which led me to silly fantasies of building my own database of Lymond quotes. Some day, when I have mastered SQL and database hosting and whatever else that comes with it, I might just have a Lymond quotes database (on top of the one million other silly ideas I have for databases). Some people are planning their path to their first paycheck or a house or a car or a family, and I am dreaming of a quotes database -- someone give me a reality check, please.

Anyway. This is funny. I can't decide which part to quote exactly, but her full review is here at her blog:

The first half or so of The Ringed Castle

I have no idea what the holy fuck is going on in Russia. I don’t care about any of this set of characters enough to try and figure out. Can we please get back to Philippa now? You know, where the plot we actually care about is occurring?

Don’t you dare kill Adam Blacklock. He’s sensitive. Leave him alone, you big bullies.

Lymond’s sex drive makes even less sense than his other motivations, but it’s especially random here. He and Guzel put off sleeping together until… Lymond is in charge of Russia? Being in charge of Russia is Guzel’s kink? Is it only Guzel’s kink, or does Lymond get off on it, too? I have no idea. This is both the most graphic sex scene and the most inexplicable relationship in the series thus far.

Also, Lymond is being voluntarily and (I think?) relatively non-angstily gay - but I think Venceslas is supposed to be like, twelve. Shouldn’t Lymond have a gigantic complex about that, after what happened to Khaireddin? Is Lymond even supposed to like sex? Why do the other characters talk about his sex life so much? (Aside from the obvious.) Why are most of his relationships either non-consensual, off-screen, or invented by other people? Has anyone written a paper about this? Did Dunnett Even Actually Know Where She Was Going With This One?: Lymond’s Confusing Sex Life and The Ringed Castle’s Kinda-Weakness.

I agree about the first half of Ringed Castle for me being all bleagh-can-we-get-back-to-Philippa-please! Haha.

Also, because I watched a bit of High School Musical 3 with my sis tonight (with numerous outbursts of laughter and audible smacks from face-palming at the utter sap and corniness), and found a line I really surprisingly liked:

I feel like I know you on a vibe-y level.

:D

ohhhmygod - I realise that Shaykh Hamza Yusuf is Scottish by race, and I can't help but think how a lot of my favourite things (e.g. Lymond and Harry Potter) come from Scotland. All the more reason for me to make the grad trip to Scotland a reality.

But ohmygod, this man. I am close to spazzing about him the way I would spaz about my favourite star or stg, but in a totally valid and real way (whatever I mean by that :P). We need more people like Shaykh Hamza in Islam; he's the most intelligent Muslim speaker and scholar I have ever seen (but okay, I haven't seen many for myself); he embodies everything I feel is right and true about Islam; his brain is like a treasure trove of knowledge of both Islam and everything not Islam as well; he's so eloquent and passionate and compassionate; he has awesome views on women and family and the worth and dignity of human beings; and gosh, I can't help but feel jealous of his wife, haha. And most importantly, he loves Nabi s.a.w., which is my yardstick for assessment of any Muslim scholar (Ami Ali should be happy with me). Every time I find some new lecture of his on youtube (I go yay!), I can't help but agree and feel awed and humbled and moved, and go please, why aren't there more Muslim men who awe me like this.

xkcd has some side project: a database of limericks, called LimericksDB.

Their limericks are somewhat of the same vein as their comics - geeky, mad and sometimes dirty. Haha.

A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
She found a good way
To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore.

-- 

A dying mosquito exclaimed,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane  

--

ohmygod, this one! XD

A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As he lay there in bed
Looping 'round in his head
was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;

What other people say about Prophet Muhammad s.a.w..

"Head of the State as well as the Church, he was Caesar and Pope in one; but he was Pope without the Pope's pretensions, and Caesar without the legions of Caesar, without a standing army, without a bodyguard, without a police force, without a fixed revenue. If ever a man ruled by a right divine, it was Muhammad, for he had all the powers without their supports. He cared not for the dressings of power. The simplicity of his private life was in keeping with his public life."

~ Reverend Bosworth Smith in 'Muhammad and Muhammadanism,' London, 1874

"If greatness of purpose, smallness of means, and astonishing results are the three criteria of a human genius, who could dare compare any great man in history with Muhammad? The most famous men created arms, laws, and empires only. They founded, if anything at all, no more than material powers which often crumbled away before their eyes. This man moved not only armies, legislations, empires, peoples, dynasties, but millions of men in one-third of the then inhabited world; and more than that, he moved the altars, the gods, the religions, the ideas, the beliefs and the souls."

~ Alphonse de LaMartaine in 'Historie de la Turquie,' Paris, 1854.

---

Wah, I'm really bad with names. I can't remember the name of this girl who I did a project with last semester, and I bumped into her, said hi, but couldn't for the life of me recall her name. (And she remembered mine, which makes this worse.) :O It's a Chinese one, which makes it it even harder -- starts with an L, maybe? haiyah.


Feel inexplicably gloomy. Yesterday, I was talking to Shweta in CYZ's class (which was unbearably soporific -- Shweta could tell I wasn't listening from the glazed look in my eyes, I quote her, haha) and started discussing about how much emotions are influenced by hormones. I mean, seriously. It's almost funny -- how you're so distraught for a moment or period in time, and then a week later, you realise that, BAH! It was right before that time of the month. It happened to Mumu too: she called me up in a state of stress and tears, and then a few days later, she established that it was PMS. I felt strangely amused and comforted by this. Like maybe, yes, stupid hormones do take over the control of our physical realities. (Being a woman is stressful, please.)

This by no means, however, diminishes the existence of a problem or extenuating circumstance. The shit and crap we have to deal with is still there. The hormones just exacerbate the response with which we approach said problem. Instead of trying to be logical and rational and to behave as calmly as possible, the emotions become uncontrollable and in the extreme, one can almost go ballistic. Haha. Also, I recall the period in early 2006, when I think I was majorly depressed -- and during that time, I attributed it all to the stresses of uni applications, lack of confidence and feeling lost about life goals etc -- but now, I think it had a lot to do with my thyroid imbalance problem (which has been said to cause depression). Because I think I definitely got better when I got healthier.

Now it makes me want to philosophically contemplate the essence of emotions, if it can be so easily driven by these chemical substances called hormones. I mean, really, how much of anything that we feel is real, huh? I can't recall now where I heard this: but there was a documentary, I think, that mentioned how casual sex is theoretically impossible, because the hormones generated during sexual intimacy is almost too-closely coupled with the hormones they have identified to correlate with the emotion of love. So no such thing as no-strings-attached-sex -- almost inevitably, emotions will develop over time through the existence of all those hormones, and you can bet strings will be attached.

---

How did I start rambling like that when I have tons of work to do? -.-

I'm really looking forward to Maki's movie! :DDDD Please come to Singapore, okay.

The trailer! The feel of the movie is upbeat and exciting, despite the fact that it's supposed to be a painful, growing-up story, and the fact that she's got amnesia. Also, the star-studded cast is enough reason to watch! :P Maki, Tego, MatsuKen and Anton Yelchin all in one place? Yayyyeee.



The press conference where Maki speaks English like a JAL stewardess, haha. Nonetheless, better than Pi!

Had sayyidat liqa' today, and was happy as a result. I think liqa' just makes me happy these days. yatta! The rest of the world should be this wonderful too.

The most memorable part of today's liqa' was when Kak Faridah was recounting the story of Sayidatina Aisyah r.a. asking Rasulullah s.a.w. to make doa for her. So Rasulullah prayed for Allah to forgive her past sins, her future sins, the sins she committed in secret and the sins she committed in the open. And so Sayidatina Aisyah was very happy. Rasulullah asked her, "You are pleased with my doa?" And Sayidatina Aisyah said, "Yes, very much so, ya Rasulullah." And then Rasulullah said, "I say the same doa for my ummah every day."

There was a collective audible gasp amongst all the ladies at that. How wonderful is that. How can you not want to cry thinking of this wonderful, wonderful gift of a person. How can you think other than that we owe him more than our lives. How is it possible to not love him, seriously. These days, I feel like even if my life were to be reduced to my living alone in a ditch somewhere, I would still feel happy because I've found Rasulullah, and I ain't letting him go.

---

Roamed xkcd yesterday and laughed at this:

And this one took me a few seconds, but I like it!

---

Fandom rambles

My JE updates of course comes in the form of email spazzes from Duck, and today I ended up reading some random tabloid she linked to, about Yamapi and supposed scandalous photos of kissing. The photos, as expected, are nowhere to be found and likely do not exist. Reading the comments however, I find people actually hoping to see Pi and Keiko together cause they thought the two in Buzzer Beat were awesome and "totally made for each other". I was like this in response: O__o

All I can say is, they probably haven't seen what real chemistry is. Putting two pretty people together does not necessarily mean sparks. Me and sis were totally unmoved by Buzzer Beat's romance plot! It was ultra bland and I could care less if the characters ended up on opposite sides of the earth. I was just watching it for Pi alone. (haha.) Even Pi/Masami in Proposal Daisakusen was better than Pi/Keiko.

Pi/Maki - gosh. (You know I was heading there.) Every time people gush about Pi/some other random girl, I think that they probably haven't seen Pi/Maki. His smiles around Maki were to die for; since the days of Kurosagi and Nobuta, I have yet to see Pi smile like that again. When there's chemistry, they can be a foot apart and they are still oh-my-god-so-awesome-together and you want to root for them like some kaypoh, matchmaking aunty. The two were so awesome as a pair, even talk show hosts were teasing them like crazy. Please, newbie fans (who haven't even watched Kurosagi, which I find appalling). Educate yourself a little - Pi/Maki still tops the others.

I've been feeling inclined to revive my arabic again, and my teacher gave awesome websites like this: Ajeeb!

Yes yes yes, one day I shall be able to speak arabic like it's my mother tongue. I will, I will, I will! (Also, hopefully Japanese on the side, cause Jap is fun and my hobby. muaha.)

And I was just thinking -- how in this world, we do stoooopid things. It's normal, right? eeeyaar. I suppose, if one doesn't recognise when one is stupid, then one cannot progress to more clever things. Maybe. Okay, I should go to school already.

Had dinner at Swensens tonight, and my mum started telling us about her dream about Yamapi! I was like, No fair! Haha. She said she was at the market in Tampines (to think Pi would come to Tampines! XD) and there was a big commotion and it turned out to be fans mobbing Pi. And after a while, she decided to get his autograph as well and he was nice and took a photo with her. Haiyah, why don't I dream more of JE. :P

Also, tonight, sis and me started realising how much we miss not just Pi, but Pi and Maki. (My sis actually started whining about it.) My gosh, I would love to see those two in the same frame again. Please. Their OTP-ness should be exploited. I don't care if in real life they're weirdly estranged or whatever, I want to see them together on the screen! Mou. So much pretty angst, all gone to waste, otherwise.

Today was panic-over-FYP day. The graduate student, on whose help I am entirely dependent, was not at her desk all afternoon, so I couldn't get hold of her. Had to leave a handwritten note on her table. 2 months left to submission! :s

I really wonder where and what I'll be doing in about five months time.

I keep wishing Shaykh Hamza would come to Singapore to speak. I'd be almost ecstatic or something.

I have all these random thoughts in my head; but no time to consolidate them.

* I feel like my weekends are waaay more draining than my weekdays, in some sense. Can sakit dada (i.e. chest/heart pain) sometimes, teaching people. Although, my gosh, some kids are so cute, I have to refrain from saying sayang when I scold them.

* Some headaches are persistent. I tell myself: okay, I shall nap for 40 minutes so that my head gets some rest, which of course turns into at least an hour and a half, and then the headache still ain't gone. -.- I think it's a physical reaction to homework.

* Where can you find a lot of germs? Germany! Ahak, lame. Yesterday, the APEX mentors played this pick-a-question-from-a-box game; we all contributed a question each into the box and take turns being put under the spotlight. I got the question, What is your pet's name? To which I answered Elsie, haha. Someone got the question, What is the meaning of life? And we were all whoooaaa, and Ammar, I think, described how his life is mendak now, which cracked me up, man.

What stuck with me though, is the fact that Aisyah asked me, Shamiah, you gave that question, right? Because I was laughing and totally high or stg (maybe also cause of the chocolate cake), I simply said no. But later, when I had time to think about things, I realised what it meant, and part of me wanted to headdesk. :P I realise that I have this Miss Philosopher image or stg. Also, some people think I am so, so serious but haiyah, are you kidding me? Seriously. -.- If I could offer someone who was off her rocker, I'd offer myself.

* I think that if there's anyone constantly straddling boundaries, it's me.

* Oh, someone else got asked, What do you think is Allah's most beautiful creation? And I was sad that the obvious and only answer was not given, i.e. Rasulullah s.a.w.. Still need to ask, meh? :( Nothing else Allah created was given the honour of being next to Allah's name. People, wake up leh.

* The NUS computing school site is down, I think, and now I can't access my module site and thence cannot do assignment due tomorrow! :O eh, this is annoying da yo. EDIT: eh, can already! :D

Speaking of my computing module, Prof told us a joke about a Russian-made translation machine. The Russians were super proud of it and tested it in front of the English. They asked the English for a phrase to translate into Russian and to verify it, they would translate it back into English. So the English first gave the biblical expression, The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. The machine translated it into Russian and then back into English and gave, The vodka is strong but the steak is lousy. Then, they subjected yet another phrase to the machine -- Out of sight, out of mind -- and got back, Blind Idiot.

 

hehe.

I found a beautiful post from one of my favourite places for advice:

Source

You are strong…
When you take your grief and teach it to smile.

You are brave…
When you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.

You are happy…
When you see a flower and are thankful for the blessing.

You are loving…
When your own pain does not blind you to the pain of others.

You are wise…
When you know the limits of your wisdom.

You are true…
When you admit there are times you fool yourself.

You are alive…
When tomorrow’s hope means more to you than yesterday’s mistake.

You are growing…
When you know what you are but not what you will become.

You are free…
When you are in control of yourself and do not wish to control others.

You are honorable…
When you find your honor is to honor others.

You are generous…
When you can take as sweetly as you can give.

You are humble…
When you do not know how humble you are.

You are thoughtful…
When you see me just as I am and treat me just as you are.

You are merciful…
When you forgive in others the faults you condemn in yourself.

You are beautiful…
When you don’t need a mirror to tell you.

You are rich…
When you never need more than what you have.

You are you…
When you are at peace with who you are not.

I think I drank too much coffee today and now a headache is building up because I'm actually crazy tired but I can't sleep. -.-

Tonight, I realised that comfort can come from wonderfully unexpected places. I feel calm and confident, and more certain than ever that being true to oneself is a prerequisite to happiness and contentment. And that life may be hard, but it's so you can be grateful  for the shoulders to cry on.

Also, took a peek into fandom a little tonight, after what feels like a long time, and omg, have I said enough how I love Horikita Maki? She's like a beautiful porcelain doll and my favourite girl on tv (although it's not on my tv, heh), ever. And her movie Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac is likely coming to SG in April. yippee, I can look forward to it as a gift for the ending of uni life. :))

doll!

I've been telling myself: full speed FYP work begins tomorrow.

I was watching an old episode of Himitsu no Arashi-chan, where the boys were talking about Valentines that they received when they were younger. And Nino said he got a heart-shaped cookie of some sort from some girl he really liked. And it was pretty and homemade and left in a bag at his doorknob. Except that when he ate it, it tasted both sweet and salty -- she'd done the most cliched mistake of mixing up sugar and salt!

And then Nino added that he ate up every bit of it anyway. XD Oh, Nino. He can be such a meanie and a smartmouth, but at times like this, he is too cute. I swear, my Arashi ranking never remains stable. Every other time, one of them does something absolutely endearing or hilarious, and the ranking gets shuffled again. Haha.

School slowly taking over all my time again. And my weekends taken up by tutoring. It's quite exhausting, trying to balance everything. -.-

But looking forward to meeting up with Jean on Thursday night! I haven't seen her in nearly a year. o.o And seeing mumu, jw and eunice on Sunday, yay.

Today is better than yesterday.

:)))

It's when they say things like this, that I feel I'm working towards the right direction. SIGH. I feel alternately sedih (i.e. Malay word for sad; the word sedih always seems to convey more sadness than the word sad to me. heh.) and hopeful. But I get it; life is supposed to be tough and hard and trying. My dad says it's sunnatul hayah. Because you can't achieve true victory without trials.

My first day of school was a parabola on the graph of happiness against time. I was kind of happy and excited to go for the first lecture of the semester (Virtue and Leadership module), but so far, I don't like the class atmosphere very much. I think the professor is kind of a cold person. Things got steadily more depressing and I started getting anxious. For no single reason -- just, among other things, FYP swimming around in my head, eating the same boring food at the Science faculty and meeting up with Turk who was not in a great mood either.

Then I started getting really depressed, after Turk went home, when I walked around Science trying to look for my profs so that I could get an advanced module approved. It was good exercise I suppose, running from S1 to S16 and back, but this sinking feeling just started when I couldn't find either of them in their offices. So I took a break from prof-hunting and prayed first. And then after that, I resumed the prof-hunting and thank God, Chen Yu Zong was back behind his computer in his messy office. And when I trudged to S1 the second time, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to catch Prof Low (cause he's like a super-busy man) but guess what, when the elevator doors opened, it was Prof Low! I was super happy. "Prof Low, you're precisely the person I'm looking for!" And he was like, "You! Haiyah, you ah, I thought you didn't want me to sign the form anymore. Never say anything!"

And I wanted to laugh, cause haiyah, I really like Prof Low. He can be funny. Which was why I went to him first for an FYP project but he didn't seem to have anything for me. He's always so jovial and seems to really care about students. And so he signed my form and went off to his car. And I realised that, hey, all it took was one happy person to pass on his happiness to me, and I'm happier already. :)

And then I met Adilah before Structural Biology class started and we caught up about each other and I was happier. And I was very pleasantly surprised when suddenly, Aisyah and Yeatian (the Biology concentration people) popped out of the classroom Adilah and me were going into and we all kind of screamed simultaneously. XD Not high-pitched screaming, just like AAAAH-HOW-WONDERFUL-IS-IT-THAT-WE-SEE-EACH-OTHER screaming. Haha, it was cute. Yeatian still had frogs to catch after her class.

So, my school day ended on a happy note. I hope this is a good sign for my final semester. Eheh.

I don't know; I like that little things like that make me happy. Like bumping into old friends. It makes me feel glad that I don't need big things to feel happy; it's always the little things.

And this long entry seems to be some revenge post after being MIA for some time. Haha.

I love how eloquent this man is. The calmness that he displays when confronted with the journalist's too-easy-traps about what's wrong with Islam -- amazing. Too easily, we get mad at how people ignorantly perceive our religion and twist words around and deal with complex issues simplistically, and we fall in their traps. But here is someone who weighs his words, talks with understanding and conviction and clearly empathises with the ignorance. I feel so awed and humbled.

This past Saturday, when I went for the APEX Mentoring Talk and we were all asked who our mentors or role models are (and Mr Shaheed actually said other than Rasulullah -.-), I happily realised that this man is one of them. I want to achieve what he seems to have done; a marriage of true Islamic knowledge and a deep understanding of the world we live in today, so that we may be effective in this time.

If I had to choose a favourite comic from xkcd, it'll probably be this one. XD It describes the general theme of xkcd's comics; like they always seem to be saying, here are the incredible and weird contents of my brain.

I've been having one of those times again -- the I-can't-write-on-my-blog periods. I feel like my thoughts are too irrational, my emotions too incomprehensible and all of it so mixed up, I wonder if I should just stop thinking sometimes. Hm, not that I can even if I wanted to. Maybe I'm just trying to rationalise the irrational and I have to concede I'm just banging my head against a dead-end repeatedly.

When your head is in a mess, it's best to blog list-like:

* I'm starting to wonder if blogging publicly is at all a good thing. And maybe it's finally time I stop. I don't know.

* Trying to wean myself off facebook. How I got slowly sucked into that pit is beyond me. Mel and her it's-the-only-way-I-can-keep-in-touch-with-you justifications. That was how it started, meh. Don't they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions?

* How I realise that big things are always a result of a chain of small events one did not have the foresight to anticipate.

* Shaykh Hamza Yusuf said: Life gives you the same lessons repeatedly until you get the point.

* What is the freaking end-point of my focal adhesion pathway!!! :( It's the one thing I should have worked on and figured out for FYP by now but still haven't because I am getting majorly distracted.

Okay, I should really stop now. More pressing things to be done. And I don't think I'll be blogging again soon.

For 2010, I want clarity of thought and more awareness of time. And to finish reading things that need to be read.

These days, I can't read the newspapers without rolling my eyes or just getting myself all riled up.

For instance, this Al Qaeda and Yemen issue -- can I say, Here we go again? I don't trust anything that comes out of US intelligence; actually, I especially don't trust anything that comes out of US intelligence. Lies. All lies. I can't watch CNN without feeling like the word EVIL is plastered all over the screen.

It makes my blood boil. All the media needs to do, is just make a little mention of a certain country and the name of a terrorist group (which is quite possibly a big lie as well). Just, you know, mention those two names in the same sentence or the same paragraph even, and then everyone else makes a hoo-haa and soon enough, it becomes accepted fact among the blind, ignorant masses -- because you know, TV is God, and what the TV says is true. That's how powerful and potentially corrupt the media is. And the poor innocent people in Yemen are clueless. These stupid Americans from a country far away making claims about a place they know nothing about.

Yemen of course hits a soft spot with me because, not only is it the place of my ancestral roots, but it is a place that Rasulullah s.a.w. himself pointed out as blessed. Because it gave birth to some of the greatest teachers of Islam. If I'm not wrong, the hadith narrates that Rasulullah pointed his finger to Yemen and said, There is knowledge. (I think I better verify this. See below.) And I think the reason that a lot of Asian Arabs are ancestrally Yemeni Arabs is precisely because the missionaries of Islam to the east are these knowledgeable teachers from Yemen. They're part of the reason Indonesia has the biggest Muslim population in the world. (And that done without the sword, okay.)

---

Sayyiduna Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “The people of Yemen have come to you. They are tender-hearted and more delicate of soul. The capacity to understand (fiqh) is of the Yemenis and wisdom is that of the Yemenis.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, no: 4129 & Sahih Muslim, no: 84)

Source here.

If US does anything stupid again, I swear I will be so angry.

Off on a little holiday to Jakarta and Bandung. :) (Brain, shut up about FYP and other worrying crap.) Will be back on the 25th.

Ja!

Happy New Year! :)

The Islamic Hijrah calendar just turned 1431.

HAHA, watch this. For real or what. I've never seen a panda sneeze.



XD

The way the mother panda was shocked - HAHAHAHAHA. She's like, What just happened???

Couldn't get back to sleep this morning because I started to freak out about my lack of any sort of progress for FYP, so then went online to get some things done.

And realised that we're going to have Chen Yu Zong again for Advanced Bioinformatics next semester. :\

At least we'll be prepared this time, although meh, I still think we're in trouble. Haha. Let my last semester be fruitful, please.

I watched this clip at Yu Jie's insistence -- so funny! This is why I love Arashi and why I love Jap variety shows. And I especially love the put-your-hand-in-the-box-and-guess-the-mystery-item game. Made me laugh so hard.



I loved it when Nino attempted to bonk Britney on the head, haha. She's seriously nuts.

Sometimes I feel sad that I'm so decent and kental (as my brother points out, I don't ever do interesting things -- oh what does he know) but other times, I'm thankful I'm decent and kental. Haha okay, I think it's too late in the night and I probably should not be blogging.

Today, went to the library to return some books and then ended up wandering around century square on my own, waiting for the rain to stop, and then I started splurging (finally got a pair of pretty shoes and a checkered shirt!) and got really scared because of the way I just do things without planning -- I started thinking about how I don't do any form of financial planning, and then I thought some more about the Malay families living in tents at beaches because they sell their houses without thinking and then become poorer for it and can't afford to buy another flat. :s Very scary. I felt like I was walking down the same road. This crazy impulsiveness.

On the way home, I amused myself by praying, Dear God, please help me be a good person without being crappy. XD I don't know where these thoughts come from, really.

Oyasumi.

About an Australian dude describing how he got into Islam, and I love the part where he talks about asking for a sign from God, and it was given in the way he least expected it. Just awesome.

It reminds me of the times I've asked for my own signs; one of the most dramatic ones was the time I sat in front of my computer blogging and being my whacked depressed self of the past, and begging God to just show me the way. And the next thing I knew, Amir Fadl's framed photograph on the wall of the stairwell, came crashing down all the way to the first floor. For no apparent rhyme or reason. A whole freaking framed photograph, okay, almost A3-sized. I remember just sitting stunned at the zen table for like a whole minute before getting up and putting the photo on the sofa so my dad could put it back later.

God works in mysterious ways. :)

I don't know whether I love or hate the fact that my knowledge of Jpop and Kpop seems to grow with no end in sight. A lot of it thanks to my sister. But THIS SONG.

Love this song. Although I'm not crazy about the rap part. But uuhhhn. Everything else is wonderful. The soulfulness and the melody and the hopeful-yet-painful lyrics.

CRAP. I finally started watching Supernatural Season 4 with my sister tonight (and it has been awesome) and then I went online because I was just kind of curious about the fandom situation these days, having never ventured there in more than a year, but then! I discovered a major spoiler. ACK. -.-

There are times I wish I could tie myself up with a rope so I don't do detrimental things to myself.

Lately, my favourite do'a has been one where I plead to God, Please protect me from my own weaknesses. Amin. And craziness. And destructiveness.

I am randomly remembering a moment in Year 1, when I went for the Muslim Society Tea (quite randomly because nothing came of it) and the members were introducing themselves, and someone said that his greatest fear was himself. Someone joked, "Oh, you look into the mirror and scream ah?" But I agreed wholeheartedly then, and I agree now.

I am going to be productive next week! Productive!

This song came on just a moment ago, and I feel happy.

I Look, I See by Yusuf Islam

I look, I look, I look, I see
I see a world of beauty
I touch, I touch, I touch, I feel
I feel a world around so real
And everything I do
I dedicate to You
Cause You made me
I am for You

I listen, listen, listen, I hear
I hear the words of God so clear
I read, I read, I read, I know
It helps my knowledge grow
And everything we do
We dedicate to You
Cause You made us
We are for You
I listen, listen, listen, I hear

He sent the Prophet to show us the way
He made Religion perfect that Day
Peace be upon him, upon him we pray
Salatullah, wa salamu alaihi

I sleep I sleep, I sleep, I dream
I dream I am in a garden green
I wish, I wish, I wish I pray
I pray to be here everyday
And everything I do
I dedicate to You
Cause You made me
I am for You

I work, I work, I work, I strive
To make something of my life
I seek, I seek, I seek, I find
I find another hill to climb
And everything we do
We dedicate to You
Cause You made us
We are for You
I look, I look, I look, I see

He sent the Prophet to show us the way
He made Religion perfect that Day
Peace be upon him, upon him we pray
Salatullah, wa salamu alaihi (x2)

I have my statistics exam in a while and I've reached a plateau of zen-ness. Although I haven't actually understood every single letter or word or mathematical equation or even actually, entire chapters, I feel like... I'm okay. And zen. Last night I was irritated by the whole thing -- by the crazy way we're meant to study these things, with no proper appreciation of concepts, I feel, and it pissed me off extremely. I actually want to understand why these formulas are such and why they work in certain ways, but I feel like we haven't been given the proper opportunity to. So little time and all the wrong lesson objectives. And if I can't properly understand and enjoy the subject, how can you make me want to study it??? Some deep part of my soul is just totally against the whole let's-just-mug-and-score-at-the-exam and maybe this is why I just can't bring myself to care enough.

And I especially hate it when I cannot see the point of a module. Like the syllabus is a mess, and doesn't seem to point to any one overarching concept.

But now, whatever, you stupid exam. Unlike you, I value knowledge. And true understanding. And I have ceased to give grades more worth than they deserve.

I was telling my sister at how zen I feel about things these days. It's kind of shocking.

Oh, Prof Miksic returned our grades for the Shipwreck essay and museum exhibit. Am a bit sad about his comments on our exhibit -- not enough depth or stg like that? :( But I don't care! I still like what we did! And it was a fun exercise and I met a V6 fan while working on it, so yay. Haha.

And my story of the monk boy scored a 75% -- considering I eked out the 10 pages within approximately 2 days, I am happy. :P I had expected loads worse. But he actually said my use of facts were pretty good but vague -- thank god for my love for historical fiction, I say, because a lot of my images of the story were shaped by Japan's Edo period in Rowland's Sano Ichiro series that I read.

---

Okay, got a paper to sit for, and then staying over at Shweta's room to work on the horrid cz project I've been neglecting.

As usual, one foot is in fandom although I'm supposed to be studying. But eeeps! Sho's and Maki's new drama (about some legal officers with clashing personalities trying to make the world a better place) is making me too excited, I can't help myself.

And I totally agree with this statement by helloyourself:

Maki + Arashi is second to Mao + Arashi for me in terms of enjoyment. Third is Becky + Arashi, because man, Nino's bitchiness when Becky gushes over Hanadan? SHEER GOLD. Really, Arashi + girl is just super awesomesauce. THERE SHOULD BE MORE ARASHI GEN HET.

HAHA. This feels good; I feel like it's been some time since fandom made me ditzy.

And I feel like helloyourself is just out to win me over, no matter what; their lines crack me up! For instance, I feel compelled to look up dbsk stuff because their gushing over Jaejoong leaves me seriously breathless with laughter:

Because when you look past the carved gorgeousness and fragility in his face and then lower to his arms of God and actually pay attention to his actions and words, you come away with the realization.....wow, you're a huge dork. And I LOVE THAT.

Witness the Jaejoong flail here.

And oh, I think I've left the Yamaki boat. It was a wonderful almost-2-years affair. Haha.

---

Okay, I am enforcing an exam hiatus on myself. Cannot lah, otherwise. Ja!

He who lives without folly is not so wise as he imagines.
~ De La Rouchafoucauld

Been trying to revive my my motivation and enthusiasm for work. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this!

I was on the train to school today and reading, and I wasn't actually reading because I kept zoning out into space every other sentence and thinking and thinking and thinking (bloody hell, I really just think too much) and then suddenly, the seat next to mine was vacated and this pakcik sits down and says, "Tengah hafal ke, termenung je?" (which kind of translates into "Are you trying to memorise, you look like you were daydreaming?")

So embarassing, please. I kind of just laughed it off and said, "No..." -- but really, I felt like disappearing into thin air. It's always kind of mortifying when someone catches me being my dreamy self. A kaypoh stranger some more.

It reminds me of the time when I was 13 and in the canteen and Stephanie Tan asked me, "Why are you staring at your bowl of noodles?" *headdesk* haha.

But okay, today, at one point during that train ride, I was thinking of how I'm going to sms Jiawen soon and tell her to plan an Arashi/JE party in her basement during the hols. wahahahaha! Please, this year has been tough. For so many different reasons. I am going to enjoy December and reflect on how I've grown.

Seishun saikou!

I finally watched Honey and Clover the movie tonight. I thought it'd make me cry; I was ready to sob my eyes out. But I didn't, although the part where Takemoto runs to the beach and starts crying was really moving; when he wonders how come the sea isn't sparkling like before and he thinks he wants to erase all the memories so it wouldn't hurt anymore. But then he decides he can't erase everything, because that would mean erasing the fact that they'd all met, that they'd all been together once, and that it was wonderful once.

The movie just made me feel content, somehow; like I'm not alone. That youth is all about making mistakes and learning and waking up every new day to stumble even more.

I swear, I think it started snowballing from this song. Duck and Arashi are to blame! :P

Finally finished my narrative essay thing and am not happy with it. :( ah well.

A week left of school. O.o

I'm so irrationally zen and relaxed about my still-unfinished assignment, part of my brain - the part that tries to keep me up to speed with the happenings of real life - is practically screaming, "Which part of 'this paper is due tomorrow' do you not understand!?" Heh. I am lacking a sense of urgency right now. It's kind of scary how not scared I am. I blame it on the jadedness of having been in this crazy education system more than half my life.

I look at my sister becoming frazzled over her geog A-level paper tomorrow and I wonder how I ever had the drive to mug hard enough for As. Right now, I feel like I can't be bothered about any of it.

I love and trust in you, Rasulullah.

---

I get irrationally happy when I understand the computer-related ones. Haha.

from xkcd.

---

I'd like to have liqa' every day; or at least more often. I do. There'd be nothing better than to look forward to sitting down with everyone at the end of a hard and tiring day, knowing that hey, this is what makes life worth it.

The sayyidat liqa' today was nice. I feel us getting closer. And it does make me forget about the transient worries of life. And Kak Haseenah said something that made me tear up; it was the same reason I was swiping tears on the way to school the other day. The thought that we managed to be here. Sad that it wasn't sooner, but overwhelmingly grateful that we've been gifted with the opportunity. I don't know how we could have lived without this before.

Indeed those who pledge to you are those who pledge to Allah, the hand of Allah is above their hands.
~ Surah Al-Fath

Whaaat am I doing, man. Really. First of all, awake at ungodly hour, not doing my 10-page essay due Monday (I am so majorly screwed), but just wasting time.

And really, whaaaat am I doing. I don't know anymore.

I am so sleepy and I will be so dead tired for tomorrow's sayyidat liqa', and still I'm not sleeping. I should sleep.

I suppose that saying I came across is true: that this is why life is a test. If it weren't a test, we'd have a full instruction manual on how to live it.

Eh, actually, we do. Just a matter of focus then.

The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself.

~ Anais Nin

Yes, finally, new blogskin. The other one had lasted waaaay too long. I'm liking this one's wide design; more space.

I'm having a little problem with my archiving though; this place has existed since 2002 and while that fact may be awesome in itself, the posts from then may not. :P One looks back on childishness and frivolousness and boundless stupidity, and shudders. Haha.

I don't know. Ungh. Hiding my old archives only implies I have something to be ashamed of from my past, right? I don't want to be like that. Yes, I made crazy blunders and was extra mad and hyper - but I was young, and being who I was then certainly led to the me now. So, okay, I'm leaving that long list there lah. Ahak.

Can't decide if going for statistics class today is worth it at all. I should just stay home and work on my shipwreck story for USP.

There are nights I just want to sleep and not wake up. For a hundred years or something.

I keep thinking back to the night when Eunice and me had dinner and I was complaining to her about how I seemingly lack control over my own actions; and she described how we all probably have insanity somewhere inside us, strapped down, so that our sensible selves are usually the masters of our fate. I simply let insanity drive for a split second; the horror.

What I have for comfort now are only words like this:

Do you think that the things people make fools of themselves about are any less real and true than the things they behave sensibly about? They are more true: they are the only things that are true. ~ Candida (1898), George Bernard Shaw

Still, I'd choose sanity if I could.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin

Have had a crazy past few days which only started winding down at noon today. Projects all piling up and converging together. My saturday felt like the whizzing by of an express train; typing away the whole of the morning, stressing over the freaking bio project which by the way still makes very little sense to me, and rushing to school for a meeting and rushing back for liqa' at Abang Yan's place, and only finishing at midnight. Got home and started despairing over the project again but went to sleep anyway and woke up and started typing again. And finally got done at 11 am this morning.

Sometimes... in between doing all these inane daily routines and chasing deadlines, I feel like we lose our sense of self. Like we become machines or something. Doing passionless tasks, and running and running after that something; and losing sight of what's important, what's real. I think maybe some people actually enjoy the high speedy life. I personally don't. And I suppose some people actually do what they're truly passionate about, so that's wonderful. But really, how many of us do. I ask you.

I don't think I can be very coherent about my thoughts tonight, but this sketch from xkcd says a little.


Stupid, amazing worlds inside us. I like that. Like that poet, Walt Whitman, who said, "I am large. I contain multitudes."

I am very irritated with self.

I actually still have a LOT OF WORK, LIKE UNBELIEVABLE AMOUNTS OF WORK, to do, but I have this incessant need to blog. Like if my feelings bother me, I just need to let it go. And it's different from letting it go in private too, because here, at least I think someone out there might be listening and it's different from my private lj entries I know won't be seen by a single soul. It must be that 'feely' part of my MBTI personality type. So 'feely'. Or maybe it's about being a female; the need to blabber about feelings.

Oh no. I shall stop thinking about that now.

Am doing the bio functional genomics thing and I can't write without pausing after every other sentence so I don't know how I'll ever finish this on time, and if I don't stop and force myself to keep writing, I get seriously upset and I feel like I'll get a stomachache. Eeee.

Why is the last few weeks of school always hell. Everything always spins out of control or something. My fear is that when I leave school, and I go into the bio industry or stg, it'll keep being like that - crazy deadlines and endless stress. :( GAH. DON'T WANT.

I want to work in happiness, please. Because that's when creativity and ideas shine. Not this crazy let's-do-as-many-things-in-as-little-time-as-possible crap. -.-

Thank you, Arashi, for making my night! :) I laughed so hard (I've been needing some) when I watched a clip of Sho drawing a kangaroo - it was hilarious. But that clip couldn't be embedded, and I decided to post this one instead - this one makes me laugh every time. What Jun wanted his girlfriend to call him when he was younger:



The part when Nino suggests, "Jun-pon?" always cracks me up! XD

Love this one! from xkcd.

Found another Ralph Waldo Emerson quote:

It has seemed to me lately more possible than I knew, to carry a friendship greatly, on one side, without due correspondence on the other. Why should I cumber myself with regrets that the receiver is not capacious? It never troubles the sun that some of his rays fall wide and vain into ungrateful space, and only a small part on the reflecting planet. Let your greatness educate the crude and cold companion. If he is unequal, he will presently pass away; but thou art enlarged by thy own shining, and, no longer a mate for frogs and worms, dost soar and burn with the gods of the empyrean.

Aishiteru by Monkey Majik

The video is a little weird (ignore the irritating speech bubbles!) but strangely makes sense if you think hard enough. I thought it'd be more angsty or stg, seeing how the lyrics are so beautifully sad. It makes my heart weep; love it.

---

Something unrelated: my sister says I telah memalukan diri (i.e. made myself lose face, haha) for saying in a previous entry I don't know what mengandalkan means. -.- But really! Who uses it! My dad thinks a synonym for it is mengalaskan.

Okaylah, I admit defeat. My malay is just so getting from bad to worse. That's it! I will improve my mother tongue! Just you see. >:|

I think I almost died standing today, heh. Was helping out at Anugerah Mendaki (where academically excellent Malay/Muslim students are awarded prizes) from morning till late afternoon, and stood practically 95% of the time. I felt like the top half of my body was ready to be dislodged from the bottom half. :P But aside from that, I felt kind of inspired. And a bit nostalgic. Looking at the little rafflesians fresh from PSLE made me smile. The pinafores. And the green, black and white. And 13-year-old boys are tiny (yes, even to me!). And the teenage students and their frivolity. And all those JC blazers.

Then the first class honours graduates came up and were all really wow to me. It doesn't help that I've actually seen some of their full resumes, having helped at Mendaki first-hand, and known how much wow they really are. I felt a little wistful about the whole thing. Like... I know I could have stayed on the same path if I tried. Like if I mugged hard enough and battled through exams the way I'd had all my younger days, maybe my first class wouldn't be so out of reach as it is now. I don't know, somewhere along the way, I'd lost the drive. Because I'd started to think about big pictures and destinations and what the point of it all was.

And!!! :D While ushering guests in, I spotted this angmoh dude and immediately, I was like, "Eh, I've seen him!" And I realised he was Kak Filza's german husband! :DDDD (Kak Filza was the RJ senior who co-wrote the script for Laila, the drama production in which I acted as a mother.) I've always managed to bump into Kak Filza now and then. And I finally got to congratulate her when she walked past me to get to the stage. She looked very pretty in a green baju kurung. And she got a first class honours in chemistry and bio! @.@ awesome lah.

I felt a little good on the way home. Like, yes, let's ganbarimasu, Shamiah! And work hard for a 2nd Uppers miracle. And then maybe Allah and Rasul will help open doors to the future. I've finally voiced to my parents what I think I might want to do with my degree. Might, might, might - not sure yet how things are to work out. I'm going to take a stab at a speech pathology course. An alternative to working in a bio research industry. Or yes, medical writing. Hm.

I've been attempting to read several books in Bahasa Indonesia recently and the language is just -- boggling. I always feel like every sentence is super long and convoluted and were it to be in English, would be at least half as short! It's frustrating. Why can't this be in English. -.- Not to mention coming across words I'm sure do not exist in Malay! Like pungkiri - what on earth does that mean. Makes me wish I had persevered in my Arabic so I could read the original versions. I'm sure they sound less convoluted.

I came across another complicated sentence: Tentu saja hal ini adalah masyarakat yang selalu mengandalkan asas pemikiran, bukan melihat problem situasi atau kenyataan yang bersifat sementara.

@.@ what is mengandalkan??? I can't even figure out the root word -- andal??? haha, man. This is irritating. Not to mention the sentence structure... just. what are you saying.

I didn't go for stats class today and Prof returned our midterms. Yvonne collected mine for me and said I got full marks. :O well. It was rather straightforward, I say, if you had the textbook with you. I haven't seen the likes of a good grade in a long time. I feel. yay.

I'm having such a headache though. And tomorrow, am supposed to go out and get more stuff for our museum display. A pot, some blue cloth, a fan. You know, sometimes... I feel like I should just be random and work at a museum when I graduate, or something. The things I do in school are so random anyway.

Also supposed to have done research for functional genomics. And started on the 10-page essay.

-.-

I've identified the places where I have epiphanies. Mad or otherwise. The shower, the train, the route from tampines interchange to home and at the sink while washing the dishes.

Listening to my sister recite her Gatsby essays and it's making me bored, and am supposed to work on a lot of things including my SNP analysis readings and pottery articles for that museum display we're doing, but I am reading quotes on my iTouch instead. It's kinda therapeutic.

"You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give."
~ Khalil Gibran

When you can think of yesterday without regret and tomorrow without fear, you are near contentment. ~ Anonymous

Acceptance is such an important commodity, some have called it "the first law of personal growth".
~ Peter McWilliams, Life101

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. The older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
~ Mary Schmich

The difficulty is not so great to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.
~ Homer

To be great is to be misunderstood.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson always has nice quotes; I remember 409 used "You can't have harmony when everyone sings the same note" for our class motto. Or something close to that, I can't be sure.

One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn't do. ~ Henry Ford

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting. ~ John Russell

Yes, well, interesting eh.

I know I've read this like 5 times or so, and pimped it at least twice, but here I am doing it again because it's just so good. I've been on a Hanadan high for near two weeks now since I bought the first season on DVD and couldn't help stumbling on this again and reading it again and it is so amazingly hilarious, I feel like quoting everything! GOD. It's like reading Cassandra Claire's post-OotP fic, A Lot To Be Upset About - where everything is so insanely funny and I just feel I need to tell everyone about it.

4 Times Domyouji Almost Wrecked (Someone Else's) Wedding, and 1 Time He Saved It
by Literary Lemming

"He said that Akira's sisters couldn't be the flower girls at your wedding because then Kumiko wouldn't be able to do it." Rui laconically turned a page and went back to reading.

"She's the daughter of an F4!" Domyouji barked. "That far outranks a SIBLING!"

"Are you saying my little sisters aren't WORTHY?" Akira seemed to be getting angrier with every passing second.

"Of course not! They flower-girled at MY wedding. Flower-girling for someone else would be a step down!"

"So now SOJIROH'S not worthy!"

"Stop twisting my words!"

"Then stop talking!"

"I am Domyouji Tsukasa and I'll talk when I want to talk!"

"Well I'm Mimasaka Akira and I will BUST YOUR TEETH WITH A HAMMER, you pompous bastard!"

I'm stuck in a loop. Or several loops actually. It's like a repetitive series of actions I'm supposed to have control over but seemingly don't.

Like the fact that I keep pushing and pushing and pushing away my FYP presentation. Sometimes I wish I could just make the whole thing... vanish. There's no other way to say it but I just don't want to do this. I don't think I've ever been this tired of school. Not studying or modules per se. Just the concept of school. And having to do well and memorise and do things I don't necessarily like or care about even. It's starting to be really hard to work at something I don't really have a passion for.

Oh no, I don't think I make very much sense.

I had a wonderful eid celebration with the dandarawis yesterday. Honestly, it really was the best raya gathering I've ever been to. And it's hard to say what it is exactly -- but I think it boiled down to the fact that we were all there for the right reasons. And there was this collective ganbatte! attitude, where everyone put in their enthusiasm and strength to make it a wonderful experience. There was a scavenger hunt, a ketupat-making competition that I totally FAILED at and a guess-the-kuih game for the kids. And the food was too much but so amazing. I really enjoyed myself, although the words FYP were swimming at the back of my mind. Mou, this stupid thing I am so not enjoying and am pretty much clueless about and Chen Yu Zong doesn't seem to care. Unnnnggh. D:

Also, so what if I'm a little less dense now? I just keep running away. -.- aaaaaaaaack.

xkcd and its random button is destroying my life.


I need to revise for my clinical stats midterm but I keep pressing the random button and reading comic after comic -- it's like a disease! Not to mention I need to make some progress on my stagnant FYP status.

Despite horrible work situation, I'm feeling the horrible drought of tv/Jdrama/entertainment in my life right now. I'm absolutely craving Supernatural Season 4 -- I'm starting to get angry about it. Haha. There's a poster at Laser Flair at Tampines that says Supes S4 DVD was supposed to be out September, but it's already October and it is nowhere in sight. -.- I swear I feel like glaring at the sales person. But I refrain, haha. Some people don't understand what being a fan is. It doesn't help that I saw Papa Winchester (damn, I forgot the actor's name) on P.S. I Love You this past Saturday and, god, I realise I miss the Winchesters! So bad. Also, it doesn't help that Supernatural was ranked as Japan's No. 1 Foreign TV Show at aramatheydidn't! @.@

God, I need my Supes fix.

>.< I need to slap myself and study.

Ohmygosh, I feel vindicated! :D

I picked up an article today from Straits Times dated September 23rd, 2009, called In praise of daydreaming, by Ho Kwon Ping. And it mentioned the fact that daydreaming isn't as mindless as convention supposes!

This is what neuroscientist Kalina Christoff has to say: "People assumed that when your mind wandered it was empty. But mind wandering is a much more active state than we ever imagined, much more active than during reasoning with a complex problem."

Neuroscientists were able to measure far more brain activity in volunteers who tried to solve a problem through insight than in those who applied logic. "We often assume that if we don't notice our thoughts they don't exist," said Dr Christoff. "When we don't notice them is when we may be thinking most creatively."

Studies show that problem-solving by insight - when you suddenly feel the pieces click - requires both a higher degree and a different pattern of neural resources than methodical, logical thinking. Daydreaming seems to be a fundamental basis for insight.

And well, if there's one thing I admit to doing a lot of... it's daydreaming. So yay! :P I even remember when I was three or four, my granny used to scold me, "Oi, apasal termenung!" (Which literally translates to, "Oi, why are you daydreaming!") But for some reason, I managed to pay attention in class though. Because well, I've always loved to learn, and my mum probably inculcated in me a drive for excellence, unconscious it may be on my part.

I have this very vivid memory of the time when I realised getting As was a good thing - haha. I remember I was sitting next to Chia Min (who I met again recently and is now working at MCYS - amazing how we're so old) in Primary 1 and she was colouring some grapes. I think it was math class and we were allowed to colour in the pictures when we finished work. And I remember thinking how Chia Min did it well; oooh, that's pretty. Some time later, I remember my parents talking to me. And they kept bugging me about my classmates. I remember my mum asking, "So is there anyone in class you think is very smart?" And I'm like... ehhhhhh? I don't know... But I mentioned Chia Min. Haha! But right then... I don't know, I suddenly got it -- that it was about competition. That I was supposed to look out for those of my peers who were doing well, and do as well, or better. And thus, a large part of my childhood was about doing well in school. :O

I have digressed, eh heh. :P The point is, yes! Daydreaming is not a bad thing after all.

The sob-fest continues... :P

I know I've seen this like don'tknowhowmany times, but gah, it's so sweet so I cry anyway, and I am so jealous of Arashi sometimes. To have such a great and unique bond with each other. Their friendship is so heartening. I'm glad I have friends too.

This is Aiba's emotional letter to the rest of Arashi in the 2004 24-hour TV event:



I was trying to summarise the appeal that Arashi has, while showering the other day, and I think it comes down to this: that they're a bunch of adorable dorks who are awesome together. <3

Fandom Rubbish

All this business about Pi and that half-Canadian girl has of course resulted in the crash-and-burn of possibly my favourite OTP of all time (i.e. Yamaki). But oh well. I do tend to dream unrealistically. :P Then, there was this rumour that Pi and this Kagami girl are already living together and I saw this comment; cracked me up!

I always thought he was living with Jin.

:| Obviously, I read too much fic.

Haha! Oh man. I sometimes do pity these poor stars. And gosh, that does sound so paradoxical. But the insane fame and prying, how do they live with it??? They can't have a decent romance without the whole world wanting a piece of it. And someone else mentioned Jaejoong and how if it were him, the fangirls would probably be planning the demise of his girlfriend. Haha. MAD WORLD.

---

Watched half of Ryo's 24-hour drama (just to clarify, it's not 24 hours long; just a drama special for a 24 hour charity show, haha) -- Niini no Koto Wasurenaide -- and already started sobbing like crazy. -.- The sob-fest began last night when my siblings and I watched P.S. I Love You on tv.

It makes me think how amazing humans are sometimes, to be able to overcome loss and grief.