Had sayyidat liqa' today, and was happy as a result. I think liqa' just makes me happy these days. yatta! The rest of the world should be this wonderful too.

The most memorable part of today's liqa' was when Kak Faridah was recounting the story of Sayidatina Aisyah r.a. asking Rasulullah s.a.w. to make doa for her. So Rasulullah prayed for Allah to forgive her past sins, her future sins, the sins she committed in secret and the sins she committed in the open. And so Sayidatina Aisyah was very happy. Rasulullah asked her, "You are pleased with my doa?" And Sayidatina Aisyah said, "Yes, very much so, ya Rasulullah." And then Rasulullah said, "I say the same doa for my ummah every day."

There was a collective audible gasp amongst all the ladies at that. How wonderful is that. How can you not want to cry thinking of this wonderful, wonderful gift of a person. How can you think other than that we owe him more than our lives. How is it possible to not love him, seriously. These days, I feel like even if my life were to be reduced to my living alone in a ditch somewhere, I would still feel happy because I've found Rasulullah, and I ain't letting him go.

---

Roamed xkcd yesterday and laughed at this:

And this one took me a few seconds, but I like it!

---

Fandom rambles

My JE updates of course comes in the form of email spazzes from Duck, and today I ended up reading some random tabloid she linked to, about Yamapi and supposed scandalous photos of kissing. The photos, as expected, are nowhere to be found and likely do not exist. Reading the comments however, I find people actually hoping to see Pi and Keiko together cause they thought the two in Buzzer Beat were awesome and "totally made for each other". I was like this in response: O__o

All I can say is, they probably haven't seen what real chemistry is. Putting two pretty people together does not necessarily mean sparks. Me and sis were totally unmoved by Buzzer Beat's romance plot! It was ultra bland and I could care less if the characters ended up on opposite sides of the earth. I was just watching it for Pi alone. (haha.) Even Pi/Masami in Proposal Daisakusen was better than Pi/Keiko.

Pi/Maki - gosh. (You know I was heading there.) Every time people gush about Pi/some other random girl, I think that they probably haven't seen Pi/Maki. His smiles around Maki were to die for; since the days of Kurosagi and Nobuta, I have yet to see Pi smile like that again. When there's chemistry, they can be a foot apart and they are still oh-my-god-so-awesome-together and you want to root for them like some kaypoh, matchmaking aunty. The two were so awesome as a pair, even talk show hosts were teasing them like crazy. Please, newbie fans (who haven't even watched Kurosagi, which I find appalling). Educate yourself a little - Pi/Maki still tops the others.

I've been feeling inclined to revive my arabic again, and my teacher gave awesome websites like this: Ajeeb!

Yes yes yes, one day I shall be able to speak arabic like it's my mother tongue. I will, I will, I will! (Also, hopefully Japanese on the side, cause Jap is fun and my hobby. muaha.)

And I was just thinking -- how in this world, we do stoooopid things. It's normal, right? eeeyaar. I suppose, if one doesn't recognise when one is stupid, then one cannot progress to more clever things. Maybe. Okay, I should go to school already.

Had dinner at Swensens tonight, and my mum started telling us about her dream about Yamapi! I was like, No fair! Haha. She said she was at the market in Tampines (to think Pi would come to Tampines! XD) and there was a big commotion and it turned out to be fans mobbing Pi. And after a while, she decided to get his autograph as well and he was nice and took a photo with her. Haiyah, why don't I dream more of JE. :P

Also, tonight, sis and me started realising how much we miss not just Pi, but Pi and Maki. (My sis actually started whining about it.) My gosh, I would love to see those two in the same frame again. Please. Their OTP-ness should be exploited. I don't care if in real life they're weirdly estranged or whatever, I want to see them together on the screen! Mou. So much pretty angst, all gone to waste, otherwise.

Today was panic-over-FYP day. The graduate student, on whose help I am entirely dependent, was not at her desk all afternoon, so I couldn't get hold of her. Had to leave a handwritten note on her table. 2 months left to submission! :s

I really wonder where and what I'll be doing in about five months time.

I keep wishing Shaykh Hamza would come to Singapore to speak. I'd be almost ecstatic or something.

I have all these random thoughts in my head; but no time to consolidate them.

* I feel like my weekends are waaay more draining than my weekdays, in some sense. Can sakit dada (i.e. chest/heart pain) sometimes, teaching people. Although, my gosh, some kids are so cute, I have to refrain from saying sayang when I scold them.

* Some headaches are persistent. I tell myself: okay, I shall nap for 40 minutes so that my head gets some rest, which of course turns into at least an hour and a half, and then the headache still ain't gone. -.- I think it's a physical reaction to homework.

* Where can you find a lot of germs? Germany! Ahak, lame. Yesterday, the APEX mentors played this pick-a-question-from-a-box game; we all contributed a question each into the box and take turns being put under the spotlight. I got the question, What is your pet's name? To which I answered Elsie, haha. Someone got the question, What is the meaning of life? And we were all whoooaaa, and Ammar, I think, described how his life is mendak now, which cracked me up, man.

What stuck with me though, is the fact that Aisyah asked me, Shamiah, you gave that question, right? Because I was laughing and totally high or stg (maybe also cause of the chocolate cake), I simply said no. But later, when I had time to think about things, I realised what it meant, and part of me wanted to headdesk. :P I realise that I have this Miss Philosopher image or stg. Also, some people think I am so, so serious but haiyah, are you kidding me? Seriously. -.- If I could offer someone who was off her rocker, I'd offer myself.

* I think that if there's anyone constantly straddling boundaries, it's me.

* Oh, someone else got asked, What do you think is Allah's most beautiful creation? And I was sad that the obvious and only answer was not given, i.e. Rasulullah s.a.w.. Still need to ask, meh? :( Nothing else Allah created was given the honour of being next to Allah's name. People, wake up leh.

* The NUS computing school site is down, I think, and now I can't access my module site and thence cannot do assignment due tomorrow! :O eh, this is annoying da yo. EDIT: eh, can already! :D

Speaking of my computing module, Prof told us a joke about a Russian-made translation machine. The Russians were super proud of it and tested it in front of the English. They asked the English for a phrase to translate into Russian and to verify it, they would translate it back into English. So the English first gave the biblical expression, The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. The machine translated it into Russian and then back into English and gave, The vodka is strong but the steak is lousy. Then, they subjected yet another phrase to the machine -- Out of sight, out of mind -- and got back, Blind Idiot.

 

hehe.

I found a beautiful post from one of my favourite places for advice:

Source

You are strong…
When you take your grief and teach it to smile.

You are brave…
When you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.

You are happy…
When you see a flower and are thankful for the blessing.

You are loving…
When your own pain does not blind you to the pain of others.

You are wise…
When you know the limits of your wisdom.

You are true…
When you admit there are times you fool yourself.

You are alive…
When tomorrow’s hope means more to you than yesterday’s mistake.

You are growing…
When you know what you are but not what you will become.

You are free…
When you are in control of yourself and do not wish to control others.

You are honorable…
When you find your honor is to honor others.

You are generous…
When you can take as sweetly as you can give.

You are humble…
When you do not know how humble you are.

You are thoughtful…
When you see me just as I am and treat me just as you are.

You are merciful…
When you forgive in others the faults you condemn in yourself.

You are beautiful…
When you don’t need a mirror to tell you.

You are rich…
When you never need more than what you have.

You are you…
When you are at peace with who you are not.

I think I drank too much coffee today and now a headache is building up because I'm actually crazy tired but I can't sleep. -.-

Tonight, I realised that comfort can come from wonderfully unexpected places. I feel calm and confident, and more certain than ever that being true to oneself is a prerequisite to happiness and contentment. And that life may be hard, but it's so you can be grateful  for the shoulders to cry on.

Also, took a peek into fandom a little tonight, after what feels like a long time, and omg, have I said enough how I love Horikita Maki? She's like a beautiful porcelain doll and my favourite girl on tv (although it's not on my tv, heh), ever. And her movie Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac is likely coming to SG in April. yippee, I can look forward to it as a gift for the ending of uni life. :))

doll!

I've been telling myself: full speed FYP work begins tomorrow.

I was watching an old episode of Himitsu no Arashi-chan, where the boys were talking about Valentines that they received when they were younger. And Nino said he got a heart-shaped cookie of some sort from some girl he really liked. And it was pretty and homemade and left in a bag at his doorknob. Except that when he ate it, it tasted both sweet and salty -- she'd done the most cliched mistake of mixing up sugar and salt!

And then Nino added that he ate up every bit of it anyway. XD Oh, Nino. He can be such a meanie and a smartmouth, but at times like this, he is too cute. I swear, my Arashi ranking never remains stable. Every other time, one of them does something absolutely endearing or hilarious, and the ranking gets shuffled again. Haha.

School slowly taking over all my time again. And my weekends taken up by tutoring. It's quite exhausting, trying to balance everything. -.-

But looking forward to meeting up with Jean on Thursday night! I haven't seen her in nearly a year. o.o And seeing mumu, jw and eunice on Sunday, yay.

Today is better than yesterday.

:)))

It's when they say things like this, that I feel I'm working towards the right direction. SIGH. I feel alternately sedih (i.e. Malay word for sad; the word sedih always seems to convey more sadness than the word sad to me. heh.) and hopeful. But I get it; life is supposed to be tough and hard and trying. My dad says it's sunnatul hayah. Because you can't achieve true victory without trials.

My first day of school was a parabola on the graph of happiness against time. I was kind of happy and excited to go for the first lecture of the semester (Virtue and Leadership module), but so far, I don't like the class atmosphere very much. I think the professor is kind of a cold person. Things got steadily more depressing and I started getting anxious. For no single reason -- just, among other things, FYP swimming around in my head, eating the same boring food at the Science faculty and meeting up with Turk who was not in a great mood either.

Then I started getting really depressed, after Turk went home, when I walked around Science trying to look for my profs so that I could get an advanced module approved. It was good exercise I suppose, running from S1 to S16 and back, but this sinking feeling just started when I couldn't find either of them in their offices. So I took a break from prof-hunting and prayed first. And then after that, I resumed the prof-hunting and thank God, Chen Yu Zong was back behind his computer in his messy office. And when I trudged to S1 the second time, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to catch Prof Low (cause he's like a super-busy man) but guess what, when the elevator doors opened, it was Prof Low! I was super happy. "Prof Low, you're precisely the person I'm looking for!" And he was like, "You! Haiyah, you ah, I thought you didn't want me to sign the form anymore. Never say anything!"

And I wanted to laugh, cause haiyah, I really like Prof Low. He can be funny. Which was why I went to him first for an FYP project but he didn't seem to have anything for me. He's always so jovial and seems to really care about students. And so he signed my form and went off to his car. And I realised that, hey, all it took was one happy person to pass on his happiness to me, and I'm happier already. :)

And then I met Adilah before Structural Biology class started and we caught up about each other and I was happier. And I was very pleasantly surprised when suddenly, Aisyah and Yeatian (the Biology concentration people) popped out of the classroom Adilah and me were going into and we all kind of screamed simultaneously. XD Not high-pitched screaming, just like AAAAH-HOW-WONDERFUL-IS-IT-THAT-WE-SEE-EACH-OTHER screaming. Haha, it was cute. Yeatian still had frogs to catch after her class.

So, my school day ended on a happy note. I hope this is a good sign for my final semester. Eheh.

I don't know; I like that little things like that make me happy. Like bumping into old friends. It makes me feel glad that I don't need big things to feel happy; it's always the little things.

And this long entry seems to be some revenge post after being MIA for some time. Haha.

I love how eloquent this man is. The calmness that he displays when confronted with the journalist's too-easy-traps about what's wrong with Islam -- amazing. Too easily, we get mad at how people ignorantly perceive our religion and twist words around and deal with complex issues simplistically, and we fall in their traps. But here is someone who weighs his words, talks with understanding and conviction and clearly empathises with the ignorance. I feel so awed and humbled.

This past Saturday, when I went for the APEX Mentoring Talk and we were all asked who our mentors or role models are (and Mr Shaheed actually said other than Rasulullah -.-), I happily realised that this man is one of them. I want to achieve what he seems to have done; a marriage of true Islamic knowledge and a deep understanding of the world we live in today, so that we may be effective in this time.

If I had to choose a favourite comic from xkcd, it'll probably be this one. XD It describes the general theme of xkcd's comics; like they always seem to be saying, here are the incredible and weird contents of my brain.

I've been having one of those times again -- the I-can't-write-on-my-blog periods. I feel like my thoughts are too irrational, my emotions too incomprehensible and all of it so mixed up, I wonder if I should just stop thinking sometimes. Hm, not that I can even if I wanted to. Maybe I'm just trying to rationalise the irrational and I have to concede I'm just banging my head against a dead-end repeatedly.

When your head is in a mess, it's best to blog list-like:

* I'm starting to wonder if blogging publicly is at all a good thing. And maybe it's finally time I stop. I don't know.

* Trying to wean myself off facebook. How I got slowly sucked into that pit is beyond me. Mel and her it's-the-only-way-I-can-keep-in-touch-with-you justifications. That was how it started, meh. Don't they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions?

* How I realise that big things are always a result of a chain of small events one did not have the foresight to anticipate.

* Shaykh Hamza Yusuf said: Life gives you the same lessons repeatedly until you get the point.

* What is the freaking end-point of my focal adhesion pathway!!! :( It's the one thing I should have worked on and figured out for FYP by now but still haven't because I am getting majorly distracted.

Okay, I should really stop now. More pressing things to be done. And I don't think I'll be blogging again soon.

For 2010, I want clarity of thought and more awareness of time. And to finish reading things that need to be read.

These days, I can't read the newspapers without rolling my eyes or just getting myself all riled up.

For instance, this Al Qaeda and Yemen issue -- can I say, Here we go again? I don't trust anything that comes out of US intelligence; actually, I especially don't trust anything that comes out of US intelligence. Lies. All lies. I can't watch CNN without feeling like the word EVIL is plastered all over the screen.

It makes my blood boil. All the media needs to do, is just make a little mention of a certain country and the name of a terrorist group (which is quite possibly a big lie as well). Just, you know, mention those two names in the same sentence or the same paragraph even, and then everyone else makes a hoo-haa and soon enough, it becomes accepted fact among the blind, ignorant masses -- because you know, TV is God, and what the TV says is true. That's how powerful and potentially corrupt the media is. And the poor innocent people in Yemen are clueless. These stupid Americans from a country far away making claims about a place they know nothing about.

Yemen of course hits a soft spot with me because, not only is it the place of my ancestral roots, but it is a place that Rasulullah s.a.w. himself pointed out as blessed. Because it gave birth to some of the greatest teachers of Islam. If I'm not wrong, the hadith narrates that Rasulullah pointed his finger to Yemen and said, There is knowledge. (I think I better verify this. See below.) And I think the reason that a lot of Asian Arabs are ancestrally Yemeni Arabs is precisely because the missionaries of Islam to the east are these knowledgeable teachers from Yemen. They're part of the reason Indonesia has the biggest Muslim population in the world. (And that done without the sword, okay.)

---

Sayyiduna Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “The people of Yemen have come to you. They are tender-hearted and more delicate of soul. The capacity to understand (fiqh) is of the Yemenis and wisdom is that of the Yemenis.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, no: 4129 & Sahih Muslim, no: 84)

Source here.

If US does anything stupid again, I swear I will be so angry.

Off on a little holiday to Jakarta and Bandung. :) (Brain, shut up about FYP and other worrying crap.) Will be back on the 25th.

Ja!

Happy New Year! :)

The Islamic Hijrah calendar just turned 1431.

HAHA, watch this. For real or what. I've never seen a panda sneeze.



XD

The way the mother panda was shocked - HAHAHAHAHA. She's like, What just happened???

Couldn't get back to sleep this morning because I started to freak out about my lack of any sort of progress for FYP, so then went online to get some things done.

And realised that we're going to have Chen Yu Zong again for Advanced Bioinformatics next semester. :\

At least we'll be prepared this time, although meh, I still think we're in trouble. Haha. Let my last semester be fruitful, please.

I watched this clip at Yu Jie's insistence -- so funny! This is why I love Arashi and why I love Jap variety shows. And I especially love the put-your-hand-in-the-box-and-guess-the-mystery-item game. Made me laugh so hard.



I loved it when Nino attempted to bonk Britney on the head, haha. She's seriously nuts.

Sometimes I feel sad that I'm so decent and kental (as my brother points out, I don't ever do interesting things -- oh what does he know) but other times, I'm thankful I'm decent and kental. Haha okay, I think it's too late in the night and I probably should not be blogging.

Today, went to the library to return some books and then ended up wandering around century square on my own, waiting for the rain to stop, and then I started splurging (finally got a pair of pretty shoes and a checkered shirt!) and got really scared because of the way I just do things without planning -- I started thinking about how I don't do any form of financial planning, and then I thought some more about the Malay families living in tents at beaches because they sell their houses without thinking and then become poorer for it and can't afford to buy another flat. :s Very scary. I felt like I was walking down the same road. This crazy impulsiveness.

On the way home, I amused myself by praying, Dear God, please help me be a good person without being crappy. XD I don't know where these thoughts come from, really.

Oyasumi.

About an Australian dude describing how he got into Islam, and I love the part where he talks about asking for a sign from God, and it was given in the way he least expected it. Just awesome.

It reminds me of the times I've asked for my own signs; one of the most dramatic ones was the time I sat in front of my computer blogging and being my whacked depressed self of the past, and begging God to just show me the way. And the next thing I knew, Amir Fadl's framed photograph on the wall of the stairwell, came crashing down all the way to the first floor. For no apparent rhyme or reason. A whole freaking framed photograph, okay, almost A3-sized. I remember just sitting stunned at the zen table for like a whole minute before getting up and putting the photo on the sofa so my dad could put it back later.

God works in mysterious ways. :)

I don't know whether I love or hate the fact that my knowledge of Jpop and Kpop seems to grow with no end in sight. A lot of it thanks to my sister. But THIS SONG.

Love this song. Although I'm not crazy about the rap part. But uuhhhn. Everything else is wonderful. The soulfulness and the melody and the hopeful-yet-painful lyrics.

CRAP. I finally started watching Supernatural Season 4 with my sister tonight (and it has been awesome) and then I went online because I was just kind of curious about the fandom situation these days, having never ventured there in more than a year, but then! I discovered a major spoiler. ACK. -.-

There are times I wish I could tie myself up with a rope so I don't do detrimental things to myself.

Lately, my favourite do'a has been one where I plead to God, Please protect me from my own weaknesses. Amin. And craziness. And destructiveness.

I am randomly remembering a moment in Year 1, when I went for the Muslim Society Tea (quite randomly because nothing came of it) and the members were introducing themselves, and someone said that his greatest fear was himself. Someone joked, "Oh, you look into the mirror and scream ah?" But I agreed wholeheartedly then, and I agree now.

I am going to be productive next week! Productive!

This song came on just a moment ago, and I feel happy.

I Look, I See by Yusuf Islam

I look, I look, I look, I see
I see a world of beauty
I touch, I touch, I touch, I feel
I feel a world around so real
And everything I do
I dedicate to You
Cause You made me
I am for You

I listen, listen, listen, I hear
I hear the words of God so clear
I read, I read, I read, I know
It helps my knowledge grow
And everything we do
We dedicate to You
Cause You made us
We are for You
I listen, listen, listen, I hear

He sent the Prophet to show us the way
He made Religion perfect that Day
Peace be upon him, upon him we pray
Salatullah, wa salamu alaihi

I sleep I sleep, I sleep, I dream
I dream I am in a garden green
I wish, I wish, I wish I pray
I pray to be here everyday
And everything I do
I dedicate to You
Cause You made me
I am for You

I work, I work, I work, I strive
To make something of my life
I seek, I seek, I seek, I find
I find another hill to climb
And everything we do
We dedicate to You
Cause You made us
We are for You
I look, I look, I look, I see

He sent the Prophet to show us the way
He made Religion perfect that Day
Peace be upon him, upon him we pray
Salatullah, wa salamu alaihi (x2)

I have my statistics exam in a while and I've reached a plateau of zen-ness. Although I haven't actually understood every single letter or word or mathematical equation or even actually, entire chapters, I feel like... I'm okay. And zen. Last night I was irritated by the whole thing -- by the crazy way we're meant to study these things, with no proper appreciation of concepts, I feel, and it pissed me off extremely. I actually want to understand why these formulas are such and why they work in certain ways, but I feel like we haven't been given the proper opportunity to. So little time and all the wrong lesson objectives. And if I can't properly understand and enjoy the subject, how can you make me want to study it??? Some deep part of my soul is just totally against the whole let's-just-mug-and-score-at-the-exam and maybe this is why I just can't bring myself to care enough.

And I especially hate it when I cannot see the point of a module. Like the syllabus is a mess, and doesn't seem to point to any one overarching concept.

But now, whatever, you stupid exam. Unlike you, I value knowledge. And true understanding. And I have ceased to give grades more worth than they deserve.

I was telling my sister at how zen I feel about things these days. It's kind of shocking.

Oh, Prof Miksic returned our grades for the Shipwreck essay and museum exhibit. Am a bit sad about his comments on our exhibit -- not enough depth or stg like that? :( But I don't care! I still like what we did! And it was a fun exercise and I met a V6 fan while working on it, so yay. Haha.

And my story of the monk boy scored a 75% -- considering I eked out the 10 pages within approximately 2 days, I am happy. :P I had expected loads worse. But he actually said my use of facts were pretty good but vague -- thank god for my love for historical fiction, I say, because a lot of my images of the story were shaped by Japan's Edo period in Rowland's Sano Ichiro series that I read.

---

Okay, got a paper to sit for, and then staying over at Shweta's room to work on the horrid cz project I've been neglecting.

As usual, one foot is in fandom although I'm supposed to be studying. But eeeps! Sho's and Maki's new drama (about some legal officers with clashing personalities trying to make the world a better place) is making me too excited, I can't help myself.

And I totally agree with this statement by helloyourself:

Maki + Arashi is second to Mao + Arashi for me in terms of enjoyment. Third is Becky + Arashi, because man, Nino's bitchiness when Becky gushes over Hanadan? SHEER GOLD. Really, Arashi + girl is just super awesomesauce. THERE SHOULD BE MORE ARASHI GEN HET.

HAHA. This feels good; I feel like it's been some time since fandom made me ditzy.

And I feel like helloyourself is just out to win me over, no matter what; their lines crack me up! For instance, I feel compelled to look up dbsk stuff because their gushing over Jaejoong leaves me seriously breathless with laughter:

Because when you look past the carved gorgeousness and fragility in his face and then lower to his arms of God and actually pay attention to his actions and words, you come away with the realization.....wow, you're a huge dork. And I LOVE THAT.

Witness the Jaejoong flail here.

And oh, I think I've left the Yamaki boat. It was a wonderful almost-2-years affair. Haha.

---

Okay, I am enforcing an exam hiatus on myself. Cannot lah, otherwise. Ja!

He who lives without folly is not so wise as he imagines.
~ De La Rouchafoucauld

Been trying to revive my my motivation and enthusiasm for work. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this!

I was on the train to school today and reading, and I wasn't actually reading because I kept zoning out into space every other sentence and thinking and thinking and thinking (bloody hell, I really just think too much) and then suddenly, the seat next to mine was vacated and this pakcik sits down and says, "Tengah hafal ke, termenung je?" (which kind of translates into "Are you trying to memorise, you look like you were daydreaming?")

So embarassing, please. I kind of just laughed it off and said, "No..." -- but really, I felt like disappearing into thin air. It's always kind of mortifying when someone catches me being my dreamy self. A kaypoh stranger some more.

It reminds me of the time when I was 13 and in the canteen and Stephanie Tan asked me, "Why are you staring at your bowl of noodles?" *headdesk* haha.

But okay, today, at one point during that train ride, I was thinking of how I'm going to sms Jiawen soon and tell her to plan an Arashi/JE party in her basement during the hols. wahahahaha! Please, this year has been tough. For so many different reasons. I am going to enjoy December and reflect on how I've grown.

Seishun saikou!

I finally watched Honey and Clover the movie tonight. I thought it'd make me cry; I was ready to sob my eyes out. But I didn't, although the part where Takemoto runs to the beach and starts crying was really moving; when he wonders how come the sea isn't sparkling like before and he thinks he wants to erase all the memories so it wouldn't hurt anymore. But then he decides he can't erase everything, because that would mean erasing the fact that they'd all met, that they'd all been together once, and that it was wonderful once.

The movie just made me feel content, somehow; like I'm not alone. That youth is all about making mistakes and learning and waking up every new day to stumble even more.

I swear, I think it started snowballing from this song. Duck and Arashi are to blame! :P

Finally finished my narrative essay thing and am not happy with it. :( ah well.

A week left of school. O.o

I'm so irrationally zen and relaxed about my still-unfinished assignment, part of my brain - the part that tries to keep me up to speed with the happenings of real life - is practically screaming, "Which part of 'this paper is due tomorrow' do you not understand!?" Heh. I am lacking a sense of urgency right now. It's kind of scary how not scared I am. I blame it on the jadedness of having been in this crazy education system more than half my life.

I look at my sister becoming frazzled over her geog A-level paper tomorrow and I wonder how I ever had the drive to mug hard enough for As. Right now, I feel like I can't be bothered about any of it.

I love and trust in you, Rasulullah.

---

I get irrationally happy when I understand the computer-related ones. Haha.

from xkcd.

---

I'd like to have liqa' every day; or at least more often. I do. There'd be nothing better than to look forward to sitting down with everyone at the end of a hard and tiring day, knowing that hey, this is what makes life worth it.

The sayyidat liqa' today was nice. I feel us getting closer. And it does make me forget about the transient worries of life. And Kak Haseenah said something that made me tear up; it was the same reason I was swiping tears on the way to school the other day. The thought that we managed to be here. Sad that it wasn't sooner, but overwhelmingly grateful that we've been gifted with the opportunity. I don't know how we could have lived without this before.

Indeed those who pledge to you are those who pledge to Allah, the hand of Allah is above their hands.
~ Surah Al-Fath

Whaaat am I doing, man. Really. First of all, awake at ungodly hour, not doing my 10-page essay due Monday (I am so majorly screwed), but just wasting time.

And really, whaaaat am I doing. I don't know anymore.

I am so sleepy and I will be so dead tired for tomorrow's sayyidat liqa', and still I'm not sleeping. I should sleep.

I suppose that saying I came across is true: that this is why life is a test. If it weren't a test, we'd have a full instruction manual on how to live it.

Eh, actually, we do. Just a matter of focus then.

The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself.

~ Anais Nin

Yes, finally, new blogskin. The other one had lasted waaaay too long. I'm liking this one's wide design; more space.

I'm having a little problem with my archiving though; this place has existed since 2002 and while that fact may be awesome in itself, the posts from then may not. :P One looks back on childishness and frivolousness and boundless stupidity, and shudders. Haha.

I don't know. Ungh. Hiding my old archives only implies I have something to be ashamed of from my past, right? I don't want to be like that. Yes, I made crazy blunders and was extra mad and hyper - but I was young, and being who I was then certainly led to the me now. So, okay, I'm leaving that long list there lah. Ahak.

Can't decide if going for statistics class today is worth it at all. I should just stay home and work on my shipwreck story for USP.

There are nights I just want to sleep and not wake up. For a hundred years or something.

I keep thinking back to the night when Eunice and me had dinner and I was complaining to her about how I seemingly lack control over my own actions; and she described how we all probably have insanity somewhere inside us, strapped down, so that our sensible selves are usually the masters of our fate. I simply let insanity drive for a split second; the horror.

What I have for comfort now are only words like this:

Do you think that the things people make fools of themselves about are any less real and true than the things they behave sensibly about? They are more true: they are the only things that are true. ~ Candida (1898), George Bernard Shaw

Still, I'd choose sanity if I could.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin

Have had a crazy past few days which only started winding down at noon today. Projects all piling up and converging together. My saturday felt like the whizzing by of an express train; typing away the whole of the morning, stressing over the freaking bio project which by the way still makes very little sense to me, and rushing to school for a meeting and rushing back for liqa' at Abang Yan's place, and only finishing at midnight. Got home and started despairing over the project again but went to sleep anyway and woke up and started typing again. And finally got done at 11 am this morning.

Sometimes... in between doing all these inane daily routines and chasing deadlines, I feel like we lose our sense of self. Like we become machines or something. Doing passionless tasks, and running and running after that something; and losing sight of what's important, what's real. I think maybe some people actually enjoy the high speedy life. I personally don't. And I suppose some people actually do what they're truly passionate about, so that's wonderful. But really, how many of us do. I ask you.

I don't think I can be very coherent about my thoughts tonight, but this sketch from xkcd says a little.


Stupid, amazing worlds inside us. I like that. Like that poet, Walt Whitman, who said, "I am large. I contain multitudes."

I am very irritated with self.

I actually still have a LOT OF WORK, LIKE UNBELIEVABLE AMOUNTS OF WORK, to do, but I have this incessant need to blog. Like if my feelings bother me, I just need to let it go. And it's different from letting it go in private too, because here, at least I think someone out there might be listening and it's different from my private lj entries I know won't be seen by a single soul. It must be that 'feely' part of my MBTI personality type. So 'feely'. Or maybe it's about being a female; the need to blabber about feelings.

Oh no. I shall stop thinking about that now.

Am doing the bio functional genomics thing and I can't write without pausing after every other sentence so I don't know how I'll ever finish this on time, and if I don't stop and force myself to keep writing, I get seriously upset and I feel like I'll get a stomachache. Eeee.

Why is the last few weeks of school always hell. Everything always spins out of control or something. My fear is that when I leave school, and I go into the bio industry or stg, it'll keep being like that - crazy deadlines and endless stress. :( GAH. DON'T WANT.

I want to work in happiness, please. Because that's when creativity and ideas shine. Not this crazy let's-do-as-many-things-in-as-little-time-as-possible crap. -.-

Thank you, Arashi, for making my night! :) I laughed so hard (I've been needing some) when I watched a clip of Sho drawing a kangaroo - it was hilarious. But that clip couldn't be embedded, and I decided to post this one instead - this one makes me laugh every time. What Jun wanted his girlfriend to call him when he was younger:



The part when Nino suggests, "Jun-pon?" always cracks me up! XD

Love this one! from xkcd.

Found another Ralph Waldo Emerson quote:

It has seemed to me lately more possible than I knew, to carry a friendship greatly, on one side, without due correspondence on the other. Why should I cumber myself with regrets that the receiver is not capacious? It never troubles the sun that some of his rays fall wide and vain into ungrateful space, and only a small part on the reflecting planet. Let your greatness educate the crude and cold companion. If he is unequal, he will presently pass away; but thou art enlarged by thy own shining, and, no longer a mate for frogs and worms, dost soar and burn with the gods of the empyrean.

Aishiteru by Monkey Majik

The video is a little weird (ignore the irritating speech bubbles!) but strangely makes sense if you think hard enough. I thought it'd be more angsty or stg, seeing how the lyrics are so beautifully sad. It makes my heart weep; love it.

---

Something unrelated: my sister says I telah memalukan diri (i.e. made myself lose face, haha) for saying in a previous entry I don't know what mengandalkan means. -.- But really! Who uses it! My dad thinks a synonym for it is mengalaskan.

Okaylah, I admit defeat. My malay is just so getting from bad to worse. That's it! I will improve my mother tongue! Just you see. >:|

I think I almost died standing today, heh. Was helping out at Anugerah Mendaki (where academically excellent Malay/Muslim students are awarded prizes) from morning till late afternoon, and stood practically 95% of the time. I felt like the top half of my body was ready to be dislodged from the bottom half. :P But aside from that, I felt kind of inspired. And a bit nostalgic. Looking at the little rafflesians fresh from PSLE made me smile. The pinafores. And the green, black and white. And 13-year-old boys are tiny (yes, even to me!). And the teenage students and their frivolity. And all those JC blazers.

Then the first class honours graduates came up and were all really wow to me. It doesn't help that I've actually seen some of their full resumes, having helped at Mendaki first-hand, and known how much wow they really are. I felt a little wistful about the whole thing. Like... I know I could have stayed on the same path if I tried. Like if I mugged hard enough and battled through exams the way I'd had all my younger days, maybe my first class wouldn't be so out of reach as it is now. I don't know, somewhere along the way, I'd lost the drive. Because I'd started to think about big pictures and destinations and what the point of it all was.

And!!! :D While ushering guests in, I spotted this angmoh dude and immediately, I was like, "Eh, I've seen him!" And I realised he was Kak Filza's german husband! :DDDD (Kak Filza was the RJ senior who co-wrote the script for Laila, the drama production in which I acted as a mother.) I've always managed to bump into Kak Filza now and then. And I finally got to congratulate her when she walked past me to get to the stage. She looked very pretty in a green baju kurung. And she got a first class honours in chemistry and bio! @.@ awesome lah.

I felt a little good on the way home. Like, yes, let's ganbarimasu, Shamiah! And work hard for a 2nd Uppers miracle. And then maybe Allah and Rasul will help open doors to the future. I've finally voiced to my parents what I think I might want to do with my degree. Might, might, might - not sure yet how things are to work out. I'm going to take a stab at a speech pathology course. An alternative to working in a bio research industry. Or yes, medical writing. Hm.

I've been attempting to read several books in Bahasa Indonesia recently and the language is just -- boggling. I always feel like every sentence is super long and convoluted and were it to be in English, would be at least half as short! It's frustrating. Why can't this be in English. -.- Not to mention coming across words I'm sure do not exist in Malay! Like pungkiri - what on earth does that mean. Makes me wish I had persevered in my Arabic so I could read the original versions. I'm sure they sound less convoluted.

I came across another complicated sentence: Tentu saja hal ini adalah masyarakat yang selalu mengandalkan asas pemikiran, bukan melihat problem situasi atau kenyataan yang bersifat sementara.

@.@ what is mengandalkan??? I can't even figure out the root word -- andal??? haha, man. This is irritating. Not to mention the sentence structure... just. what are you saying.

I didn't go for stats class today and Prof returned our midterms. Yvonne collected mine for me and said I got full marks. :O well. It was rather straightforward, I say, if you had the textbook with you. I haven't seen the likes of a good grade in a long time. I feel. yay.

I'm having such a headache though. And tomorrow, am supposed to go out and get more stuff for our museum display. A pot, some blue cloth, a fan. You know, sometimes... I feel like I should just be random and work at a museum when I graduate, or something. The things I do in school are so random anyway.

Also supposed to have done research for functional genomics. And started on the 10-page essay.

-.-

I've identified the places where I have epiphanies. Mad or otherwise. The shower, the train, the route from tampines interchange to home and at the sink while washing the dishes.

Listening to my sister recite her Gatsby essays and it's making me bored, and am supposed to work on a lot of things including my SNP analysis readings and pottery articles for that museum display we're doing, but I am reading quotes on my iTouch instead. It's kinda therapeutic.

"You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give."
~ Khalil Gibran

When you can think of yesterday without regret and tomorrow without fear, you are near contentment. ~ Anonymous

Acceptance is such an important commodity, some have called it "the first law of personal growth".
~ Peter McWilliams, Life101

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. The older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
~ Mary Schmich

The difficulty is not so great to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.
~ Homer

To be great is to be misunderstood.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson always has nice quotes; I remember 409 used "You can't have harmony when everyone sings the same note" for our class motto. Or something close to that, I can't be sure.

One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn't do. ~ Henry Ford

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting. ~ John Russell

Yes, well, interesting eh.

I know I've read this like 5 times or so, and pimped it at least twice, but here I am doing it again because it's just so good. I've been on a Hanadan high for near two weeks now since I bought the first season on DVD and couldn't help stumbling on this again and reading it again and it is so amazingly hilarious, I feel like quoting everything! GOD. It's like reading Cassandra Claire's post-OotP fic, A Lot To Be Upset About - where everything is so insanely funny and I just feel I need to tell everyone about it.

4 Times Domyouji Almost Wrecked (Someone Else's) Wedding, and 1 Time He Saved It
by Literary Lemming

"He said that Akira's sisters couldn't be the flower girls at your wedding because then Kumiko wouldn't be able to do it." Rui laconically turned a page and went back to reading.

"She's the daughter of an F4!" Domyouji barked. "That far outranks a SIBLING!"

"Are you saying my little sisters aren't WORTHY?" Akira seemed to be getting angrier with every passing second.

"Of course not! They flower-girled at MY wedding. Flower-girling for someone else would be a step down!"

"So now SOJIROH'S not worthy!"

"Stop twisting my words!"

"Then stop talking!"

"I am Domyouji Tsukasa and I'll talk when I want to talk!"

"Well I'm Mimasaka Akira and I will BUST YOUR TEETH WITH A HAMMER, you pompous bastard!"

I'm stuck in a loop. Or several loops actually. It's like a repetitive series of actions I'm supposed to have control over but seemingly don't.

Like the fact that I keep pushing and pushing and pushing away my FYP presentation. Sometimes I wish I could just make the whole thing... vanish. There's no other way to say it but I just don't want to do this. I don't think I've ever been this tired of school. Not studying or modules per se. Just the concept of school. And having to do well and memorise and do things I don't necessarily like or care about even. It's starting to be really hard to work at something I don't really have a passion for.

Oh no, I don't think I make very much sense.

I had a wonderful eid celebration with the dandarawis yesterday. Honestly, it really was the best raya gathering I've ever been to. And it's hard to say what it is exactly -- but I think it boiled down to the fact that we were all there for the right reasons. And there was this collective ganbatte! attitude, where everyone put in their enthusiasm and strength to make it a wonderful experience. There was a scavenger hunt, a ketupat-making competition that I totally FAILED at and a guess-the-kuih game for the kids. And the food was too much but so amazing. I really enjoyed myself, although the words FYP were swimming at the back of my mind. Mou, this stupid thing I am so not enjoying and am pretty much clueless about and Chen Yu Zong doesn't seem to care. Unnnnggh. D:

Also, so what if I'm a little less dense now? I just keep running away. -.- aaaaaaaaack.

xkcd and its random button is destroying my life.


I need to revise for my clinical stats midterm but I keep pressing the random button and reading comic after comic -- it's like a disease! Not to mention I need to make some progress on my stagnant FYP status.

Despite horrible work situation, I'm feeling the horrible drought of tv/Jdrama/entertainment in my life right now. I'm absolutely craving Supernatural Season 4 -- I'm starting to get angry about it. Haha. There's a poster at Laser Flair at Tampines that says Supes S4 DVD was supposed to be out September, but it's already October and it is nowhere in sight. -.- I swear I feel like glaring at the sales person. But I refrain, haha. Some people don't understand what being a fan is. It doesn't help that I saw Papa Winchester (damn, I forgot the actor's name) on P.S. I Love You this past Saturday and, god, I realise I miss the Winchesters! So bad. Also, it doesn't help that Supernatural was ranked as Japan's No. 1 Foreign TV Show at aramatheydidn't! @.@

God, I need my Supes fix.

>.< I need to slap myself and study.

Ohmygosh, I feel vindicated! :D

I picked up an article today from Straits Times dated September 23rd, 2009, called In praise of daydreaming, by Ho Kwon Ping. And it mentioned the fact that daydreaming isn't as mindless as convention supposes!

This is what neuroscientist Kalina Christoff has to say: "People assumed that when your mind wandered it was empty. But mind wandering is a much more active state than we ever imagined, much more active than during reasoning with a complex problem."

Neuroscientists were able to measure far more brain activity in volunteers who tried to solve a problem through insight than in those who applied logic. "We often assume that if we don't notice our thoughts they don't exist," said Dr Christoff. "When we don't notice them is when we may be thinking most creatively."

Studies show that problem-solving by insight - when you suddenly feel the pieces click - requires both a higher degree and a different pattern of neural resources than methodical, logical thinking. Daydreaming seems to be a fundamental basis for insight.

And well, if there's one thing I admit to doing a lot of... it's daydreaming. So yay! :P I even remember when I was three or four, my granny used to scold me, "Oi, apasal termenung!" (Which literally translates to, "Oi, why are you daydreaming!") But for some reason, I managed to pay attention in class though. Because well, I've always loved to learn, and my mum probably inculcated in me a drive for excellence, unconscious it may be on my part.

I have this very vivid memory of the time when I realised getting As was a good thing - haha. I remember I was sitting next to Chia Min (who I met again recently and is now working at MCYS - amazing how we're so old) in Primary 1 and she was colouring some grapes. I think it was math class and we were allowed to colour in the pictures when we finished work. And I remember thinking how Chia Min did it well; oooh, that's pretty. Some time later, I remember my parents talking to me. And they kept bugging me about my classmates. I remember my mum asking, "So is there anyone in class you think is very smart?" And I'm like... ehhhhhh? I don't know... But I mentioned Chia Min. Haha! But right then... I don't know, I suddenly got it -- that it was about competition. That I was supposed to look out for those of my peers who were doing well, and do as well, or better. And thus, a large part of my childhood was about doing well in school. :O

I have digressed, eh heh. :P The point is, yes! Daydreaming is not a bad thing after all.

The sob-fest continues... :P

I know I've seen this like don'tknowhowmany times, but gah, it's so sweet so I cry anyway, and I am so jealous of Arashi sometimes. To have such a great and unique bond with each other. Their friendship is so heartening. I'm glad I have friends too.

This is Aiba's emotional letter to the rest of Arashi in the 2004 24-hour TV event:



I was trying to summarise the appeal that Arashi has, while showering the other day, and I think it comes down to this: that they're a bunch of adorable dorks who are awesome together. <3

Fandom Rubbish

All this business about Pi and that half-Canadian girl has of course resulted in the crash-and-burn of possibly my favourite OTP of all time (i.e. Yamaki). But oh well. I do tend to dream unrealistically. :P Then, there was this rumour that Pi and this Kagami girl are already living together and I saw this comment; cracked me up!

I always thought he was living with Jin.

:| Obviously, I read too much fic.

Haha! Oh man. I sometimes do pity these poor stars. And gosh, that does sound so paradoxical. But the insane fame and prying, how do they live with it??? They can't have a decent romance without the whole world wanting a piece of it. And someone else mentioned Jaejoong and how if it were him, the fangirls would probably be planning the demise of his girlfriend. Haha. MAD WORLD.

---

Watched half of Ryo's 24-hour drama (just to clarify, it's not 24 hours long; just a drama special for a 24 hour charity show, haha) -- Niini no Koto Wasurenaide -- and already started sobbing like crazy. -.- The sob-fest began last night when my siblings and I watched P.S. I Love You on tv.

It makes me think how amazing humans are sometimes, to be able to overcome loss and grief.

When I've just woken up, I realise I'm the crankiest. And before I sleep, I'm the zaniest, and essentially, you can make me agree to almost anything. Woke up this morning feeling stressed because I still haven't done a ton of work and I know guests will be flooding my house today, and how am I to get anything done, seriously?

But now, I just feel a little better cause I'm a little less cranky and work seems more doable and appears less like an insurmountable obstacle.

Also finally downloading Inoue Mao on Himitsu no Arashi-chan! :)

"The emerging picture from such studies is that ten thousand hours of practice is required to achieve the level of mastery associated with being a world-class expert - in anything," writes the neurologist Daniel Levitin. "In study after study, of composers, basketball players, fiction writers, ice skaters, concert pianists, chess players, master criminals, and what have you, this number comes up again and again. Of course, this doesn't address why some people get more out of practice sessions than others do. But no one has yet found a case in which true world class expertise was accomplished in less time. It seems that it takes the brain this long to assimilate all that it needs to know to achieve true mastery."

~ Malcolm Gladwell, Outliers: The Story of Success, The 10,000-Hour Rule

What have you done for at least 10, 000 hours? Haha.

To get a sense of how absurd the selection process at elite Ivy League schools has become, consider the following statistics. In 2008, 27,462 of the most highly qualified high school seniors in the world applied to Harvard University. Of these students, 2,500 of them scored a perfect 800 on the SAT critical reading test and 3,300 had a perfect score on the SAT math exam. More than 3,300 were ranked first in their high school class. How many did Harvard accept? About 1,600, which is to say they rejected 93 out of every 100 applicants. Is it really possible to say that one student is Harvard material and another isn't, when both have identical - and perfect - academic records? Of course not. Harvard is being dishonest. Shwartz is right. They should just have a lottery.

~ Malcolm Gladwell, Outliers: The Story of Success, The Trouble With Geniuses, Part 1

No one who can rise before dawn three hundred sixty days a year fails to make his family rich. ~ Chinese saying, quoted in Outliers: The Story of Success, Rice Paddies and Math Tests

The world is your oyster? You shape your destiny? Well -- to an extent. The rest is God's will; whether you ended up in the right family, the right country, the right human race, the right school, or the right environment. It's all a wonderful combination of perfect circumstances mostly out of your control, much like the creation of the universe, that results in a desired outcome.

Every time I have a paper to write, I would take days just to prime my brain for it. :P I don't know, I just can't sit in front of a blank screen immediately and type. It just doesn't work that way for me, with writing at least. If I force myself to do so, I would most surely hate the outcome; the writing would sound bad or wrong, in some way. I would let the topic simmer in my brain for days even while I do a million other things, and when the deadline looms nearer, I would stare at the blank paper but still not write. The simmering still goes on.

The writing happens by a sudden stroke of inspiration or enthusiasm or when I know the simmering just cannot go on any longer lest I overshoot the deadline.

Meh, this is tiring. This simmering is tiring. It's like trying to picture the whole paper in my mind; or rather to envision the essence of the underlying message to be conveyed so that I know what to build my words on.

---

Hoping to watch the Buzzer Beat finale tonight!

This is one of my favourite parts of the Arrivals series. Mel asked me once if I really, really think Islam has been badly portrayed by the media since forever and my answer is yes; this video definitely says so.



And I found this astonishing compilation called "Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) in Various Scriptures of the World". In typical Qura'an translations, when Allah said that tidings of Muhammad were written in the old scriptures, these scriptures were normally taken as the Jewish Torah and the Christian Bible. But here, they've shown that other scriptures in Hinduism and Buddhism are involved too. :O

What shall I say about today? Hm. Got to Ghufran Mosque earlier than usual, I thought, but we ended up at the 7th row (usually it's the 3rd) of the female section. The khutbah (i.e. sermon) was about the usual "How well did we spend Ramadhan?" and this year, I'm glad to see less people just up and leave the moment they're done with prayers. More stayed to listen. And oh, there was a humungous wasp in the congregation for a while that had me crouching close to my sister and covering my face with my telekung. :P

Food was more than enough, also as is per normal. Ketupats, lepats, rendang, lodeh, sambal goreng, sambal prawns, my mum's meat cake, babat and more.

At Cik An's place, Insyirah was cute for a while and I played with her, but then she started crying.

And then got to Babawok's place which was crowded like crazy, the way it is every year. I was so tired and despite the unbearable heat and humidity, I dozed off a little. Our photo-taking session at the end was fun and crazy though. I'm trying to decide if I'll put some up here or in facebook or not at all.

Ja! Still have visiting to do tomorrow. And my brain is somewhat fried.

---

My rose-tinted spectacles got shattered today too. Again, I should say. Mou. :( When will I stop letting fluff take over my brain.

Fan Raving

1) I watched Becky on Himitsu no Arashi-chan (ep 63, to anyone who might want to look it up) last night (thanks to Duckie's link) and omg, it's one of the most hysterical episodes ever. Sis and I were seriously screaming and screeching in laughter! XD Even now, if I think of any part of it, I smile helplessly.

Main highlight: she said her ideal kiss was the HYD Season 1 kiss; when Makino chased after Domyouji's plane and she confessed her love and he hugged her mid-sentence and they kissed with the sunset in the background -- and they actually played that scene during the show and Becky KYAA-ed like on the spot, and omgosh, it was hysterically funny and adorable. MatsuJun was kind of embarrassed to watch it again -- it was so funny!

I'm so syncing this to my iPod. :P

2) After watching last night's episode, I was on such a high and I wondered for the millionth time how Arashi can be made of so much awesome. This miraculously amazing combination of five personalities - gosh. They are so lovable, at times I feel like squishing them. Oh, Arashi. You are so wonderful that I sometimes resent my love for NEWS. How mad is that.

3) Visited dramacrazy.net to check if the Buzzer Beat finale was up (not yet, meh.) and realised next season's Jdramas have been finalised. I got really excited because OMGOSH!!! @.@ They're doing Liar Game Season 2!!!!!!!! I watched Season 1 in my really, really early days of fangirling, and yes, it was repetitive and majorly flawed in many ways, but it rocked in terms of characterisation so man, I AM EXCITED to see Matsuda Shota being cool again, please. He was this uber-smart badass just released from jail and Toda Erika played a naive, honest girl he decided to deign to help. And their pairing was not explored!!! Please do in the second season. You have to.

4) Other Jdramas to consider checking: Aiba's My Girl! He's gonna play a dad! And Miura Haruma in Samurai Seventeen -- basically a high school dude who realises he has samurai powers or stg like that? Whatever, sword-wielding heroes are always my cup of tea! :) And Miura Haruma wasn't bad in Bloody Monday (I didn't finish the drama but he was likeable).

5) Maki's Hollywood-directed movie, Nakushita Kioku, which stars Tego and MatsuKen, has, I hear, been postponed for release in spring next year. :(

okay, done.

I'm recalling moments from last sem now, when there were eight of us in Drug Design class and virtually all of us were so incredibly blur on how to use the Rapidminer software to build our machine-learning model. It was a hysterical time. Funny and stressful. Machine-learning, just in case you're curious, is a method where predictions are made not based on the understanding of process or mechanism but from already known data. So for example: say I don't know why some things are poisonous and why some are not, but I know what these things are. I want to be able to tell if something else I come across is poisonous or not, regardless -- so I build a model/system that tries to predict just by the examples that I do know. Does this make sense?

I should let Eunice explain, since it's her FYP project. :P

Anyway, I'm remembering all this because I have another software to contend with for FYP -- called Cell Designer -- and I feel really stupid right now, because I can't even draw a freaking reaction arrow for a protein interaction! >:| It's like... UGGGH. The arrow refuses to materialise! Why isn't it easy and simple like in Microsoft Word.

And I cannot see the big picture of my project very well. I hate it when all my thoughts are in pieces and I cannot see what all my efforts are leading to. It makes me feel like tearing up things in frustration. I shall wake up tomorrow and do a mind map when I'm in a better state of mind. -.-

That is, if I have any time amidst all the nagging I'm anticipating from my mum tomorrow. The house will be turned upside down cause raya is on Sunday and we are supposed to be cleaning and marketing and more. And my room is still a mess -- I don't know what to do. D: how to juggle!

Stress aside: anyway, in case I don't come here tomorrow or the day after, Eid Mubarak! :)))

...the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “This community of mine is a community blessed with mercy. It is not punished in the Hereafter. Instead, it is punished in this world with strife, instability, and bloodshed.” [Musnad Ahmad, Sunan Abî Dâwûd, and Mustadrak al-Hâkim]

"Useful knowledge is that which makes you grow in the fear of Allah, increases you in awareness of your defects, deepens your knowledge of the worship of your Lord Most High, decreases your desire for this world and increases your desire for the life to come, and opens your eyes to the defects of your actions so that you guard against them."

-Imam Ghazali

I ate a pineapple tart yesterday, since raya is coming and all and my mum is slowly but surely stacking up the bottles of kuih in the kitchen. But this wasn't any pineapple tart. This was my aunt's famous ones. The moment I put them in my mouth -- nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Sweetness and nostalgia. I am brought back to Cik Nah's old house with those marble floors and I'm five years old or something and sitting next to the jar of pineapple tarts. The taste is awesome; the most amazing tarts in the world to me. There are such things, right? Wonderful little things that bring back sweet memories just by their taste or smell or sight.

Life is really made wonderful by the little things, I'm thinking.

Like tonight, the fact that, yes! I finally found a nice, new NEWS desktop background and arranged all my icons nicely, makes me happy.

And because I am so far gone in fandom, I'm now actually recalling something Pi said in his nikki (or was it his seventeen column?) in relation to this. He said, how people have such big dreams and big ambitions and big desires all the time, they tend to forget the beautiful little things they should be grateful for. See why I love this boy? How can he be so famous and everything and still be so good and humble? Unless he's faking it, of course. He can't be faking it! :( That'd make me so sad.

I was on the bus home today, and I was just daydreaming out the window as I am wont to do, and literally felt my anxieties deflate in size. Because again, I'd learnt to take perspective. And I realise that hey, so what if I don't take the supposed obvious route to supposed perceptions of success? I am truly, truly content with taking my own little steps at a time. Yes, I have my weaknesses but recognising them has helped me grow. And that as long as I know my own worth, then it doesn't matter at all. Because God would know me too. (Better than me, I should say.) It made me smile, just thinking that.

And that all I have to do is give my best.

These days, I'm really starting to appreciate the true meaning of Islam; utter submission to Allah.

Because I am random, as I have said many times, I want to paste a picture of Maki! God. I miss her. And it's worse than loving JE because she doesn't release albums or whatnot so we don't get to see her as much if she isn't in a drama. And man, there's just something about her, see?

It's relatively easy to find pretty faces I suppose, but to be able to photograph like this? Her photos are all so nggggh, gorgeous. Why does she have such wonderful expressions? It gives her photos depth. I keep ridiculously thinking I want to be Maki when I grow up, but of course I'm supposed to be grown up (meh!) and she's actually a year younger than me. :P But oh, how are you so elegant and graceful and I'm always the clumsy silly girl.

Mouuuuu. D:

Am so unbearably weak against distractions. Been trying to work on that pairwork Prof Chen gave us, but seriously -- this is super tedious and I just want (food.) to do something else! I need an energy source.

I've been contemplating on whether to put up this video here, for a long time now. But I rewatched the last part of the speech again, and it always manages to make me cry, and so I've decided it deserves to be on my blog.

It's a little something about the personal experiences of a man who finally embraced Islam. Watch it from beginning to end if you like - part one is linked to this one via youtube. Go watch! It's not boring at all.

Only 8 nights left of Ramadhan! :(

OMG TEGOSHI AND IMOTO ARE THE FUNNIEST THING. XD



Basically, Imoto has this supposed on-going on-screen crush with Tegoshi and it is often teased about every time their variety show ItteQ airs. Like, the hosts would ask Tego, So what did you think of Imoto in the bikini? or Imoto, you want to hug Tego right! Imoto is of course made out to be this really uncouth schoolgirl character, with unbelievably thick eyebrows, and her supposed pairing with pretty JE boy Tego is simply a source of amazing comic relief. The way Tego always tries to get around her overt advances are just hilarious to watch.

And this one is one of my favourites! Imoto asks (leaning into his personal space as she does so) if Tego can kiss her when she finishes her marathon for 24HRTV -- and Tego leans away from her and says, "Can you ask through my talent agency please?" HAHAHAHA. XD Omg, seriously.

I gave up on my stats tutorial for tonight and this is what I do. :P

This was done completely on impulse because I am currently in love with this song. (Credit goes to my sister for introducing the song - she insists. -_-) And everytime I listen, I feel happy. And I think of my friends and the lovely people I know. So yes, despite the fact that I actually have proper work to do, I just had to do this. And this video is by no means a documentation of all my friends. God knows I lost all my photos prior to 2008 anyway, due to a computer crash (so all images of RJ and RG are gone! sad, I know.), and I realise I really don't have photos of some very important people. Also, this was meant to be random, and all photos are either pictures of happy people or happy things or anything that has its theme in friendship.

And here's the complete english translation of Together by Monkey Majik:

if I were to grow wings on my back
i want to convey to you right now
this overflowing happiness

riding in the swaying wind
in the glittering light of the future
together, forever

this scenery that i've been seeing in my dream
if you try to make your ears listen carefully to the harmony
"is it ok? is this path correct?"
I was always shaken by anxiety

without even looking back
I've come quite a long way
more than anything else, changing too much, too fast
it's never gonna stop, we'll keep it on top
and be together

if I were to grow wings on my back
i want to convey to you right now
this overflowing happiness

riding in the swaying wind
in the glittering light of the future
together, forever

I got this feeling deep inside me
it's a miracle, this miracle of our meeting
I don't believe that I'm alone
you tried to tell me and now i see
you've always understood
but now i've opened up my heart
I can't wait to hold you in my arms

if I was able to look back
would have I been able to come this far?
more than anything else, changing too much, too fast
it's never gonna stop, we'll keep it on top
and be together

if I were to grow wings on my back
i want to convey to you right now
this overflowing happiness

riding in the quivering wind
in the glittering light of the future
together, forever

try to walk away
always from the same ol' day
every little step I take
becomes my own

this feeling won't change, won't fade away
one more time
you are the one for me
you are the only one

the sky that spreads out in front of my eyes
i want to convey it to you right now
this nostalgic joy

with you forever
this future i've tried to forget
together forever
forever

i remember the enjoyable days
forever

(Source)

I am happy tonight. Because I had a hard day, but I had wonderful people to help make it all the better. They didn't have to do anything, they just had to be there, and it's all the better.

And watching 24 hour tv is just really good exercise for the heart and mind. Work hard and live proud. :) That should be one of the axioms of life.

There's nothing to cry over in this vid -- it's NEWS saying some last comments and singing Weeek (the audio's really bad I think, cause even Tego sounded weird!) but I cried anyway! Don't know -- maybe cause I'm seriously in need of encouragement tonight and their words moved me. But maybe it's cause I'm happy for NEWS too. :))) Yay, guys, you did awesome. I totally expected Koyama to tear in the show, and Yamapi too and even when Shige started almost full-out bawling (haha!), I wasn't surprised. (Although I was half-embarrassed for him. :P) But it was Tego that did it for me! Adorable, normally self-absorbed Tego was struggling against tears when Imoto finally finished her crazy long marathon of 120+ km for charity. (And he hugged her like he promised!) Aw, Tego. You have a wonderful heart too. <3

I have these moments when I wonder if I have a split personality. Don't you? Like you wonder how you could be such an emotional fool at that point in time, or how you could even think in such a manner. I go like, Why??? What is wrong with me? It doesn't make sense!

Life has a lot of things that don't make sense. Yet? Maybe some day we'll know. Ooh, I'm remembering that song!

Some day you will know
If love can move a mountain
Some day you will know
Why the sky is blue
Some day you will know
That I was the one for you...

I'm in the Science computer lab now, trying to edit my aunt's seven-page essay for her. Editing is not such an easy task, especially if you feel compelled to just revamp the entire thing and make it prettier. Prettier in the sense of prettier and more descriptive words.

Gah, my brain is drawing blanks right now. Tired. Not sure why, but just a little tired.

My Sinbad, Shipwrecks and Singapore USP module has a term paper, which is better called a novella. Basically, I'm supposed to write up a fictional essay on any one of the characters that could possibly have been around in the 9th century, in connection to the ship that would sink off the coast of Sumatra in appx. 832 AD, near Belitung Island. Not only is this a wonderful narrative the likes of which I haven't attempted in years - but at moments, I get totally excited because hello, I am ultimately attempting a piece of historical fiction! How awesome is this. And I realise that throughout the term, we're all basically doing research for it - looking at cracked pots from the shipwreck and reading about Srivijaya and Buddhist monks and Arabs and Persians in China (who were locally called ta-xi and po-si respectively) - it's all in preparation for the story.

You know, USP modules may be hard and troublesome and endangering to my CAP, but little experiences like this go a long way, I think. At least they stay longer in my memory.

Okay, back to work!