“Whoever realizes faith is from speculative theology, or through abstract proofs, or academic provisions, is an innovator.” This is important because this is not what iman is. Faith is a light, it’s a noor that allah places in the hearts of his servants. It’s a gift, and it’s an act of grace from Allah SWT. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said “None of you will enter paradise because of their actions.” Faith is actually in the heart, not on the face. It’s impossible to express, ineffable. Sometimes it’s made stronger by a vision during sleep. Other times by witnessing the state of a righteous man: you don’t know why, but when you’re in the presence of that person, your faith gets strengthened.”


source


I like this! Because I was just thinking about how speechless I can get sometimes trying to explain, and in the end, I guess you can't really explain. One can only show as much proof and as many signs -- the last leap is just pure faith, and you can't force that on anyone.

Why is it that local theatres are hardly, if ever, playing the movies worth watching? -.-

I want to watch this movie! About John Keats and his real love story with Fanny Brawne, starring Ben Whishaw. And I only very recently discovered this intriguing actor when I 'accidentally' stumbled onto a very twisted movie called Perfume: The Story of a Murderer. I can't decide whether the movie is brilliant or insane, but Whishaw without a doubt was mesmerizing in his performance, and I immediately looked him up. My favourite actors are more often than not obscure and fame-phobic (just the way I love them) and their works, in accordance or not, become inaccessible to me. This happened when I became quite enamoured by Cillian Murphy a couple of years ago. I hunted high and low for his movies, and only recently, by pure luck, found The Wind That Shakes The Barley, while on my Scotland trip with Eunice -- we were trying to decide what to watch at The Rowans, Isle of Lewis (BEST GUESTHOUSE EVER; I should totally rave about it in another blog post or stg); they had like a whole shelf of dvds we could take our pick from and I found the movie nestled somewhere there.

So anyway, I'm wondering whether I can find this if I walk into HMV. Also, I want to watch Brideshead Revisited! I keep hearing of Brideshead, but never got around to really finding out about it.

Here's the poem:

Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art--
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors--
No--yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever--or else swoon to death. 

I can't stop feeling nostalgic about fangirling, help. (you have been forewarned)

It's not the same as fangirling itself, which I still indulge in occasionally thanks to my random downloads of Arashi's shows -- but I'm talking more of the fangirling high I had over Yamapi and Maki back in 2008 (the only feeling that managed to somewhat parallel my early teen years of HP madness) and the unstoppable devouring of Jdramas. I keep thinking back fondly of those times and trolling old clips like I did for Nobuta just a few posts back. And feeling all wistful and old about it -- meh. No matter how I may still squeal over Arashi now, nothing will match the high I had back then. Perhaps this is akin to that feeling of falling in love psychologists say some people are addicted to.

I feel like fandom is mostly dead or stg (or am I not frequenting the right places?). I keep feeling or imagining the massive jumping-ship happening from Jpop to Kpop (Arashi being the sole exception), what with Big Bang and KARA slowly taking over young Japan's music scene or stg. Taking over with quality songs, I might add. (I hear some people complain that even Arashi has had a case of bleh songs this year?) Also -- why are there no more fun Jdramas??? really. Gone are the days of Hana Yori Dango, Nobuta and Hana Kimi.

see -- even helloyourself (my favourite LJ community to watch back when it was alive) turned its back on Yamapi for Kim Jaejoong:

And I think, that was the trouble I'd been having with writing any Yamapi/Maki fic lately ~ I've outgrown that first crush and there's been other things - other, shinier, Korean and Naked An An shaped things. I mean, I don't rule out a future collaboration between Maki and Yamapi (Young Japan! Everyone knows each other!) rekindling feelings (but please, no more Kurosagi. EVER. I'm still not over hating the movie.) but it's pretty much a given that I left Team Yamapi a long time ago. I wish him well, I hope his hair gets better, really, because he's attractive, but he's not that attractive to rescue that hairstyle. Not even Kimura Takuya could save that hair, and speaking of which - KT's been drinking of the hair fug well as of late too. Seriously, Japan. Stop with the manperming. It's nearly as bad as when the women do it.

helloyourself cracked me up all the time! I miss them. 

Here's my absolute favourite LJ post by helloyourself; PLEASE READ this hilarious thing: The heart has its reason, of which reason knows nothing. It's their take on why yamaki rocks and just a little bit of nuttiness everywhere.

Perhaps, I thought, there's a reason to why Yamapi's drama characters never get any action.  It's karma -- when you've got to beat them off with a stick in real life, the only way to make sure the universe is balanced is if your fictional counterparts never get the girl.

And I shall sign off my fangirling hour now -- Ja!

I started reading Arundhati Roy's award-winning The God of Small Things, and came across a passage that made my heart stop; I have no words for how dismal it made me feel.

He was exasperated because he didn't know what that look meant. He put it somewhere between indifference and despair. He didn't know that in some places, like the country Rahel came from, various kinds of despair competed for primacy. And that personal despair could never be desperate enough. That something happened when personal turmoil dropped by at the wayside shrine of the vast, violent, circling, driving, ridiculous, insane, unfeasible, public turmoil of a nation. That Big God howled like a hot wind, and demanded obeisance. Then Small God (cosy and contained, private and limited) came away cauterized, laughing numbly at his own temerity. Inured by the confirmation of his own inconsequence, he became resilient and truly indifferent. Nothing mattered much. Nothing much mattered. And the less it mattered, the less it mattered. It was never important enough. Because Worse Things had happened. In the country that she came from, poised forever between the terror of war and the horror of peace, Worse Things kept happening.

So Small God laughed a hollow laugh, and skipped away cheerfully. Like a rich boy in shorts. He whistled, kicked stones. The source of his brittle elation was the relative smallness of his misfortune. He climbed into people's eyes and became an exasperating expression.

I believe my God is of big things as well as of small things. And whatever perceived personal misfortunes I encounter in my brief life, is actually of benefit to me, though I may not know it, and wholly intended by God. Not as collateral damage, or at the expense of big things. We do have a right to mourn personal tragedies -- because none of us is inconsequential. But as long as we keep it all in perspective? Everything has its rightful place, eh?

Please remind me not to drink coffee at 10 pm if I intend to sleep before the morning comes. -.- Last night, went out for dinner with Marli and Hudy (which unfortunately or not, turned out into some super-long debate/discussion about religion and Sufism in particular; I think we must learn to be more light-hearted) and after that, we just wanted to sit and chat, and I succumbed to a mug of caramel macchiato (I have missed its awesomeness) while we parked ourselves at Starbucks. And later in bed, when it was almost 3 am and I could feel my brain screaming for rest, I still couldn't get any shuteye because the coffee was working its mojo on me. And then the headache started. Horrible, please. And in the morning, I had to message Mendaki to say that I wasn't coming to help today because I had barely had any sleep. D: I hope they don't learn to hate me, really, because of the way I keep bailing out.

But nonetheless, today, I have decided to be productive and started to clear my hard disk space (which has only 800+MB of free space left!) and of course came across some nice old things, like this write-up of myself I had to give to Albert Teo at the beginning of Human Relations class; here's a bit of it:

One of my personal goals in life is never to bow down to difficulty; I have discovered that nothing makes me more upset than acceding defeat. Every time I find something about work or school that intimidates me, I recall the times when I was younger and I hated roller coaster rides; we’d go to a theme park and I’d bail out on a few rides (all the girls did), but then I’d realize how disappointed I became when we left the park. I’d decided then that the regret in having not braved through the ordeal was far worse than the ordeal itself. So from then on, I’d make myself take all the scary rides; the more scared I was, the more I made sure I’d take it. I suppose, in essence, it’s true what they say: there’s nothing to fear but fear itself. And roller coasters have now become more a joy than a fear; and I want to believe that all the obstacles I encounter will turn out similarly.

There really is nothing more agonizing to me than hearing me tell myself, you are a coward. Which is why, I really do think I belong in Gryffindor, haha! You know those silly personality quizzes that try to sort you into one of the Hogwarts houses? I once got Gryffindor and then I once got Ravenclaw, but I am certain Gryffindor would be where my heart lies, eheh.

hello, I miss days of this:

* When Akira was accosted by the Truth Man.


* How do you get power!


And ohmygod, I probably might go mad deciding on a favourite scene from this show, but this one just might be it. <3

* AKIRA SHOCK! I love the three of them to pieces.


And that bit of Shuji narrating about the bittersweet nature of happy moments, saying "I don't want to get closer now." -- gorgeous. Really happy moments only make partings that much more painful, eh. But like they say and Shuji will later learn, it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

“If you feel love in your home, you don’t look for it anywhere else.”


This is such an amazing article on the home and raising the family in Islam; and point number two about making Rasulullah s.a.w. as a breathing, living entity in the lives of children -- hit jackpot with me. Reminds me of stories of the children of Dandara who flat out refuse any offerings of money or sweets whenever they assist in something, for fear that they contaminate their intention to solely please Nabi. It took me a long time to get it; to understand what compelled them so. It's like, even today, when I tutor Humairah or Aishah and then I'm offered some money as form of thanks, damn, I still want it okay. I can't push the money away easily like those amazing kids can. There's probably something about the early nurturing years that is absolutely receptive to the makings of great character.


---


2010 is slowly rolling to a close, and I feel like my blogging gears are also slowing down in tandem. This year has been a great marker for growth, and... it feels like I'm reaching the edge of something. Every chance I get, I ask for more strength, more courage and guidance; especially guidance cause without it it's like groping blind in this world.

I just finished rewatching the movie adaptation of Pride and Prejudice (just felt like it; or perhaps unconsciously bidden by recent events haha) and I like this scene. I have come across quite a number of people who are very much averse to Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennett (is it because she's a bit too... aggressive as Elizabeth? I don't know.), and this includes my sister somewhat, but as I've ascertained just now, I don't mind her portrayal at all. In fact, I quite like it. I quite like the movie overall -- the way, it's been directed and kind of summarises the story in a fast-paced manner. Austen novels, if I may be frank, tend to be unbearably draggy (I tried to keep reading Emma and didn't get past the halfway mark, and I skipped chunks of Sense and Sensibility; Pride and Prejudice remains the only Austen novel I have successfully read cover to cover) and this adaptation makes the story more palatable to the general audience, I feel.

Anyway, this scene is full of tension and drama and wonderfully-charged language. And oh, poor Mr Darcy's heart shattered to smithereens. I think Darcy just had horrid timing about confessing his feelings; she was very angry at this point. And of course his insulting her before saying he loved her did not help, haha. How can the man be so stupid.

And then I kept trying to figure out who had the pride and who had the prejudice -- Mr Darcy too proud and Elizabeth too prejudiced? Then again, weren't both of them guilty of both? Because doesn't pride engender prejudice? Or is it vice versa.

We are all fools in love. I think that can be a very comforting platitude.

And here's the BBC version of the same scene for good measure.

I cannot believe what I accidentally gave Eunice, on behalf of all birds, for her birthday. (I really truly am sorry. All I wanted to give you was a relatively decent romance novel.)

XD JOKE lah!!! I really thought public bookstores were free of the vices of the world of fanfiction, but apparently I thought wrong. This incident is both horrifying and hilarious.

I miss Supernatural; this has been the longest we've gone without the next season. Usually, it's like a 10-month wait. But now, it's more than a year and we still don't have Season 5, and I'm sure the US is already running Season 6. -.- My brother had the great idea of ordering it online (I'm not sure where from) and it has been ages. He claims it's already in the country, but is being held up for censorship reasons. whaaaaaat. I hope it comes soon. Before 2011 rolls around at least.

Found this from deviantart; too cute: what dean loves...

---

Also, I had a different photo planned for the quote on the header of my blog; but the photo size created problems with regard to layout, so I had to scrap this:

Editing can seriously do wonders, and turn amateurs into pros. This was an unplanned shot taken at Dal Lake, Kashmir, 2007, while I was riding the shikara (i.e. sampan). I remember in RG, just before the time digicams entered the mainstream, and our instructor Barnabas Hong (oh dear, I'm not sure I'm remembering his name right) talked about how he spent hours with like ten rolls of film, trying to photograph a single rainbow. Nowadays, you can have a random shot like this, and use a free online editing application, and voila! All pretty. It really cheapens the whole skill sometimes, I feel. The painstaking effort of waiting for the perfect sunrise and just the right mix of colours in the sky -- who appreciates that anymore? That's technology for you, I guess: making things far too convenient. To our detriment in some way, I'm sure. We just don't exactly know how yet.

I've been slowly trying to get my room in order -- clearing old stuff, and old textbooks I now know I won't need -- like physics and C++, for instance. (I am still wondering how to successfully sell them off.) And I also happily found my old rubbish birthday surprise. This was one of the many elaborate birthday plans that we birds threw for each other. It's basically a bin filled to the brim with odes and poems and other knick-knacks. And I have to say, it's probably my favourite, because of how crazy it was and how I had to lug a rubbish bin all the way home on the train, much to the amusement of my silly, idiotic but lovable friends. I also had a laugh reading stuff like this (it's embarrassing, but what the heck, it's funny and this was so long ago):

Her hair, oh my Shammy's hair!
Under all the shampoo's care,
Silkier than the hide of a mare,
Smoother than the skin of a pear,
Such fine hair is indeed so rare,
And with the accessories she wears,
Standing in the sun's full glare,
Wonderful - my Shammy's hair.


Her voice, oh my Shammy's voice!
Melodious as dryads from the soil.
Differentiates her from her decoys,
Attracts to her both bees and boys.
Just add that to her nice old poise,
When sad, it causes eyes to moist.
No detractor will make a noise,
Whenever I praise my Shammy's voice.

Shammy is probably my least favourite nickname. In fact, have I ever liked it? Haha, I think it was probably the fact that I hated it that it stuck. -.- And now, when I think of how we keep lumping all our birthday celebrations at one time or simply demand wishlists from each other just to make things more convenient in terms of present-hunting -- it's just kinda, meh... sad. but oh well! Growing up means we have to work and be responsible and be sensible and do fewer silly things. Fewer silly things; not necessarily none. eheheheheh. (okay, you don't have to read into this, duck.)

---
spoilers! for How I Met Your Mother

I was watching random episodes of How I Met Your Mother, in which Robin had started dating a new dude called Don, and Ted and Barney started getting jealous and decided to attempt to break up the new couple. Only to have Robin confront them and plead, "You guys, please! What we have is real."

It made me go, "Heeeeehhhh." -_________- Why is it that we rarely ever think about what we mean when we say things.

What did Robin mean when she said it was real. Were Ted and her not real? Were Barney and her not real? And I am not arguing about this in defence of Barney or Ted; I'm just trying to point out what humans are unconsciously in search of in our lives i.e. something real. Like, you know, countless romantic movies especially, would have these characters becoming desperate or having epiphanies and going like, "This is real." or "What we have is real." or "She's the real thing." What do people mean when they say such things, right? I'm thinking... this real is something that lasts, something you can count on regardless, and something almost magical in its quality. Something you can't explain but leaves you in awe.

I was listening to a SHY lecture on the Arabic language in which it was expounded that Arabic is a language of revelation, and that learning the intricacies of the language would unveil the meanings of the elements in our lives. And wonders upon wonders, the word in Arabic that means real or true is haq which is derived from one of the names of God, Al-Haq. God is The Real. And that's how you know something is real or true -- if it's from God. In fact, the only reality is God. Like that poet who got a nod of approval from Rasulullah s.a.w. for saying, Isn't it that everything other than God is falsehood?

So that maybe, deep down in our souls, if we're willing to admit it, we're all in search of the real, the God.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…”

~ Elizabeth Gilbert


Among other things, this reminded me of Jess and Rory from Gilmore Girls (although I don't watch this show, my sister does and therefore I know everything there is to know anyway. -.- I believe this is what happens when you live in the same room as your sister). The description here seems to fit them exactly. Seemingly meant for each other, but somehow don't end up together? :( Why like that one. So sad. It defeats the whole meaning of soul mate! If such a thing even exists. 

The Master said, "I suppose I should give up hope. I have yet to meet the man who is as fond of virtue as he is of beauty in women."

~ Book 15, Line 13, Confucius: The Analects

Confucius wanted to give up, I also want to give up. hahah.

I liked the Part 1 movie! And am already looking forward to a re-watch, and also Part 2.



Their acting has improved loads, I think. It really didn't bother me. Bonnie Wright who plays Ginny was still a bit stiff but even she was bordering on okay. And the storyline stayed pretty close to the book, making me pleasantly surprised. I think it's possibly the best adaptation so far. so a thumbs-up for David Yates!

---

Was listening to a Shaykh Hamza lecture where he quoted Edgar Allan Poe:

Lo! 'tis a gala night
Within the lonesome latter years!
An angel throng, bewinged, bedight
In veils, and drowned in tears,
Sit in a theatre, to see
A play of hopes and fears,
While the orchestra breathes fitfully
The music of the spheres.

Mimes, in the form of God on high,
Mutter and mumble low,
And hither and thither fly-
Mere puppets they, who come and go
At bidding of vast formless things
That shift the scenery to and fro,
Flapping from out their Condor wings
Invisible Woe!

That motley drama- oh, be sure
It shall not be forgot!
With its Phantom chased for evermore,
By a crowd that seize it not,
Through a circle that ever returneth in
To the self-same spot,
And much of Madness, and more of Sin,
And Horror the soul of the plot.

But see, amid the mimic rout
A crawling shape intrude!
A blood-red thing that writhes from out
The scenic solitude!
It writhes!- it writhes!- with mortal pangs
The mimes become its food,
And seraphs sob at vermin fangs
In human gore imbued.

Out- out are the lights- out all!
And, over each quivering form,
The curtain, a funeral pall,
Comes down with the rush of a storm,
While the angels, all pallid and wan,
Uprising, unveiling, affirm
That the play is the tragedy, "Man,"
And its hero the Conqueror Worm.

~ The Conqueror Worm by Edgar Allan Poe

Where basically he says that all humans are doing are living worthless brief lives - full of madness, sin and horror - then at the end of it all, our bodies are eaten up by worms. :S And angels cry for us. Hmmmmmm.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
Plato

I wish everyone would keep that in mind as they go through their daily lives.

Anyway, with reference to the drastic change in layout -- it was done mostly on impulse, although my sis has been complaining how the lack of a comment function on my blog is an annoyance and I decided to take heed. So, my guestbook still functions on the right, but comments for specific posts is also possible; either way. The photos of people above -- I have no intention of leaving that there indefinitely. I have this very abstract pretty idea in my head, to go with a very pretty quote that I think befits the outlook of my blog, but the creation of that image will take time, so what you now see is temporary in its stead. I shall ganbatte with all my elaborate creative projects.

And again -- happy eid! to my fellow muslims out there, that might be reading this. All my salam and love.

you know, these days, when I just feel sad or anxious or disappointed or frustrated and find myself pleading God, why do you make this so hard sometimes?, I think of the promise in the hereafter when the people enter heaven and will feel the utmost peace -- the peace they've yearned for all their worldly lives but never found -- that all their lips can utter is salam (which literally means peace) for a continuous three days. That day will come, right? InsyaAllah. Patience is a virtue, I am coming to understand that more and more.

And oh, Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha! :)

This was the little lamb I tried to chase on the Isle of Lewis, West of Scotland (if my memory serves me). I am still in the process of putting together my photo album, and being ultra ambitious because I'm editing some of the photos via picnik and it's taking seemingly a gazillion years. -.- But when they're done, I think I might put some of the edited versions here. Also, I will get to the random video footage Eunice and me recorded -- there were bits that we recorded while trudging along the roads of Kirkwall and also while hiking up the pretty hill in Ullapool. I'll get to them, I hope, before my course begins next year and I will pretty much be busy for the next 6 years. :O I cannot believe I just said that, but it's true. Never again will I have free time like I do now.

I just finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for the second time. 

SPOILER warning for those who might care.

How is it that I did not spaz about this book enough the first time round??? Ohmygosh. <3 It was such an amazing read the second time, I simply do not understand why I don't recall being this much awed. Perhaps the first time, I rushed through the whole thing like a speeding bullet eager to know how it all would end that I missed the wonderful details that weave the HP world and its intricate plot together. And now, I see it -- oh, JKR, you literary genius, you. Now that I'm freaking 23 (yeow, just writing that number down looks unreal), I have realised that it's been getting harder for me to get absorbed in fiction. There just aren't that many stories that can truly suck me in anymore. And then I reread HP, and I think, HP can still suck me in, regardless of my age whaat. Ahah.

Okay, here are some parts I especially loved:

* When Ron and Hermione finally kiss, in the midst of the battle furor at Hogwarts:

"Hang on a moment!" said Ron sharply. "We've forgotten someone!"

"Who?" asked Hermione.

"The house-elves, they'll all be down in the kitchen, won't they?"

"You mean we ought to get them fighting?" asked Harry.

"No," said Ron seriously. "I mean we should tell them to get out. We don't want any more Dobbys, do we? We can't order them to die for us -"

There was a clatter as the Basilisk fangs cascaded out of Hermione's arms. Running at Ron, she flung them around his neck and kissed him full on the mouth. Ron threw away the fangs and broomstick he was holding and responded with such enthusiasm that he lifted Hermione off her feet.

"Is this the moment?" Harry asked weakly, and when nothing happened except that Ron and Hermione gripped each other still more firmly and swayed on the spot, he raised his voice. "OI! There's a war going on here!"

Haha! I love how very in character these two still are, even when they finally get together. And yes, if I were Hermione, I would kiss Ron too -- because how far has he come since the days of S.P.E.W. (for a moment I couldn't remember what it stood for, haha, that is, Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare)? The character development is just awesomeness, I cannot express it enough.

Like seriously. How much I love Neville too. How did he transform from the adorable, timid little boy with his toad to a hero slashing a snake with the Gryffindor sword? And I haven't even started on Harry. The quintessence of a hero -- all the heart and instinct to put others before himself. And just knowing deep down, what to do, when the most critical moment occurs. I mean, he's not as intelligent as Hermione or as wise as Lupin, but when it came down to the scary moment, he's just naturally leader. 

* And then the conversation with Dumbledore, in Harry's head, there were several bits that are definitely quotable:

"It is a curious thing, Harry, but perhaps those who are best suited to power are those who never sought it. Those who, like you, have leadership thrust upon them, and take up the mantle because they must, and find to their own surprise that they wear it well."

...

"You are the true master of death, because the true master does not seek to run away from Death. He accepts that he must die, and understands that there are far, far worse things in the living world than dying."

... And my favourite quote of all, possibly:

"Tell me one last thing," said Harry. "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"

Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

* And because this rhymes, Peeves:

We did it, we bashed them, wee Potter's the One,

And Voldy's gone mouldy, so now let's have fun!

:)

Today I started randomly thinking about whether it is wrong to want things. And then I felt strange to have even thought in such a manner, haha.  Because I felt like all I was doing was praying for me to have things or to succeed in things and it feels... selfish. :( Who says I deserve any of the wonderful things that I've already had in my life anyway? And still I want some more? D: I feel disgusted.

Nowadays, I tend to accompany my prayers with If it please You, because I don't want to feel like an ungrateful wretched thing. D:

Also, I saw this nice quote from the APEX mentor comments card -- that made me feel a little better.

Seek knowledge, because seeking it for the sake of Allah is worship. And knowing it makes you more God-fearing; and searching for it is jihad, teaching it to those who do not know is charity, reviewing and learning it more is like tasbeeh.

~ Sheikh Ibn Taymiyyah rahimahullah

Today was a wonderful day (it was sayyidat liqa' at our place -- food and company were awesome as usual) and tonight was an interesting night. Met up with Eunice and her cousin Michelle, who was nice enough to give me tips on speech therapy, being all the-expert, and offering to mentor me somewhat. I ended up feeling a mixture of nervousness and hope at the same time. I don't know; weird combination -- but I am determined to remain genki about this. ganbarimasu!

Aside from the mildly-serious aspect of that dinner appointment, Eunice (thank YOU) spoke of this blog that has a dude called Mark, reading Harry Potter for the first time and reviewing every chapter as he goes along. I checked out the place, and he is one funny guy, really. I love his over-dramatic responses! Makes me laugh like nothing has in a while (because of dearth of JE and Arashi videos ever since youtube and JE started collaboratively preventing fans from sharing JE love, the idiots -- but I digress). And the most awesome, awesome, awesome thing about this -- he basically documents his fall into being an HP fan and it's making me nostalgic and giddy and like god this is why I love HP don't you see. It is pretty much impossible not to like HP, and people should go take a look at this blog if they truly want to have an idea what the big deal about Harry is. The movie does the story very, very, very, very little justice.

My love affair with this book continues. I tried to find something to hate or mock or take the piss out of in this chapter. It was incredibly hard. Why is this? I wondered if my exposure to such a garbage series for 8-9 months of my life (i.e. Twilight) made everything else seem that much better. But this shit is pretty magical and I'm 26 years old. I don't know if you're aware, but that basically makes me a senior citizen on the Internet.

And here, he is only five chapters into the first book, okay. awesommeeezzz. 

Someone should do this for Lymond too.

Because Deathly Hallows is coming! :)

Side note: Emma Watson seriously makes me shudder. Just -- everything about her is wrong; she isn't Hermione. It's possibly worse than Daniel Radcliffe's Harry. I mean, seriously. -.- Would she stop leaning on Harry like that??? I swear, in my readings of the books, never have I ever imagined Hermione doing that. (I mean, fanfics that I read don't even make her out to be so.) Talk about a distorted interpretation of a character. She isn't a touch-feely girl in the first place, is she??? If she was, you think she'd end up being friends with those two boys??? She hugs the boys usually because they're about to die or stg or because she can't hold herself back and is about to burst into tears. That's the adorable Hermione in the books -- the girl with so much brain, people think she doesn't have a heart.

I try, I really try, to get past being nitpicky so that I can actually enjoy the movies. But sometimes. The travesty.

I shall endeavour to climb out of this blogging rut. Which is in truth a dip in spirits, the source of which might lie in all this worrying about schooling again and the lack of money and whether I'm doing the right thing. That's always the ultimate question bugging me, whatever the situation -- is this the right thing? the best thing? the absolute 100% correct answer? I blame all of this on remnants of RGS upbringing -- the perfectionist, we-must-be-excellent-or-die attitude that refuses to consider that yes, whatever our choices, there will always be possibility of failure, and that it is all right, girl, it's all right nonetheless.

And all this doubt, maybe it's syaitan right. Because my religion tells me that once you've chosen a path, to pursue it with trust in The Almighty. And Satan's constant evil is to plant seeds of doubt in out hearts; doubt your choices, doubt yourself, doubt your God.

A'uzubillahiminashaitanirajjim!

Hahh. :P

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I watched The Social Network with my aunt earlier in the week, and really liked it. It's one of my favourite kinds of movies because it's about insanely intelligent people wow-ing us with their super-power incomprehensible skills, haha. Kinda like Good Will Hunting, which is one of my faves of all time. The dialogue was witty and quick, and I don't know how true the story is, but it is fun to find out how this Mark Zuckerberg dude came up with the idea of the facebook wall etc etc.

Somewhere near the beginning when he was doing the coding and working his computer in Sonic speed, I felt like a pang of... nostalgia, perhaps? Haha. First of all, it was thrilling to kind of get what half of what he was trying to do, you know -- with the PERL script looping and accessing the servers and whatnot. And secondly, it reminded me of well, comp bio, and how at one point, I really really wanted to learn to code like a pro. I'm still keeping that option open because anyone is free to learn anything right and someday I might want to relearn for fun, who knows. Thirdly, I am establishing what I have always secretly harboured: that computers are cool and so are the guys who get all those programming-Linux-server-stuff and can accomplish computing miracles. I think the idea of computer nerds is slowly fading; if it hasn't already.

Away from all that, I was also thinking -- if there are such geniuses in this world, why isn't the world a better place? I think the majority of intellectual energy is directed to the wrong purposes; and if we'd just have a little more morality and spirituality and like, real deep thinking, we'd have fewer wars and more peace. but oh, that's me and my bubble of idealism.

stress. :((( It exists even when logically you think it shouldn't. Why are emotions so inexplicable.

I think I have been hit by a serious case of blogger's block -- haha. As in I cannot seem to blog right. Like I want to or think I want to, but then somehow, I don't or can't. And instead, I paste links, to cover up my lethargy.

What's up with this dip in energy. It's not like I'm really doing anything. Ah, maybe that's the problem.

: OOO

On a random note, I think it's time to reread Deathly Hallows.

Because I haven't posted in a while and it's Thursday night:

The best put-down of Satan I've heard: "Don't listen to Syaitan... He's just full of himself." (from Refinement of the Heart) I think that would anger him more than anything else, haha. Because Satan's biggest problem is arrogance, right.

And I am reminded of this cute cartoon from stickgirl:

nooo! I don't want to be evil! heheheh.

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Also, been listening to Arashi's Subarashiki Sekai (i.e. Wonderful World). And I think all the existing English translations are deficient in some way -- because the song sounds amazing and poetic and heart-tugging, but putting it in English seems to make it lame, and results in a deflated feeling. This is why I feel like learning every language possible in the world (because like Allan Massie said, "the limits of your language are the limits of your world", and to truly understand a world, you must embrace the language). Okaylah, no, not every language. :P But Japanese at least. Arabic first, and then Japanese.

I'll board the last train and rush past the station of despair
Just a little bit further to your town
We cry and we laugh, but still we end up dreaming of tomorrow
Thank you, wonderful world.

Arigatou, subarashiki sekai!

(Translation taken from Taiji here.)

So, I finally reached the parts on love in the lecture Refinement of the Heart by Shaykh Hamza. And, I have been wondering for days now on how to express what happened, because it profoundly affected me. At one point, I was sitting in a corner of my house just sobbing away until my sister came and was like O.O, what. The other time I cried that hard was probably when I was at an all-time low back in 2007, and my life direction felt like it was downward spiraling.

But this -- it felt like a lot of my life prior to that point was to come to that precise moment of understanding. In a way, it was tears of joy -- and I believe in true love now. :))) It's hard to pinpoint or summarise what exactly impacted me most; but perhaps this: that the platitude, the greatest thing in life is to love and be loved in return is truer than I could imagine. True love has been staring me in the face all my life, and I had the cheek to doubt its existence. It's like, you know, you go around all your life trying to figure life out, trying to figure love out, and then finally, you stop and realise, this is love. And how could I not see this before? That divine creation was the greatest act of love to begin with.

I gave myself a few days so that I wouldn't be so emo when I blogged, but I suppose it can't be helped. Ahah, love is an emotion anyway. And neither can it be told, no matter my efforts here; only felt and experienced.

And here's a big thank you to Farhana. Some people walk into your life like Godsend. :)

balance is the elusive ideal.

Warning: JE fan raving.


!!!!!!!

Yamapi appeared on VSA and scored again!



This is why Yamapi is made of WIN.

XD Even ever-competitive Jun was like, you can see it on his face, Damn this dude, I can't win against him. And ohmygod, Duckie, why have you not told me about this VSA episode yet (or have you?)! Pi and Arashi together, yo. I want it.

As is clear, tonight, I decided to revisit fandom and only realised NEWS has a new song called Fighting Man, which sounds quite fun and bouncy but whose lyrics crack me up -- especially the part which goes: "Don't be wet! Get a grip." and "DON'T LOOK BACK. DON'T LOOK BACK. Slash the darkness!" Seriously! XD Someone with a decent grasp of English should proof-read their songs before making it public or stg. But whatever it is, at the end of the day, it's still lame JE boys > korean boybands. :D

for my sister:

Because I am bored and takde kerja. :P

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This week has been filled with friend meet-ups, and my thinking of that wonderful line that duck came up with some time back: girlfriends who keep you sane when you feel like you're going nuts. Not that my life is in any way hectic now; but it warms my heart to think of my friends sometimes. That they're part of the reason I can still smile when things don't go right -- like the fact that I did not get the NHG scholarship and therefore still have no money for school next year. :OOO I shall practise patience and perseverance.

Today was especially memorable because the birds met up to exchange birthday presents after more than half a year! -- and I really, really like mine. <3 I've been wanting a decent wallet for ages now, and now I have it and it's pretty and sleek. I also have Totoro on DVD and actually feel excited to watch; plus the cute totoro keychain from Japan! Then, near the end of the day, Eunice and me walked around Nat Geo the shop before going home, and browsed the awesome $69+++++++ tops that are soft and pretty, and made us wish we were tall, thin and rich, hahah.

This is my most favourite Arashi song, hands down. And I can sing every word save the rap part, which is just too fast for me. JE has apparently requested all JE-related music to be ripped off youtube so that I had to go hunt around elsewhere for this. >:\ Seriously, what is up with them. Or is it just Johnny, the nutcase. Does he not understand the global fanbase that Arashi has??? How do non-Jap people like us find Arashi if they insist on copyrighting everything???



And then there's Monkey Majik's Together -- possibly one of my most favourite songs OF ALL TIME. Love it to bits. And the meaning -- just beautiful. It alternately makes me want to cry tears of joy or go hug someone I love.

Sometimes things go wrong, and life seems pointless. But then at other times our lives do seem to have meaning. For example, life sometimes seems to have taken a wrong turn -- we fail an exam, lose a job or a love affair ends -- but then we find our true métier or true love as a result of this seeming wrong turn. Or it happens that someone decides against boarding a plane, which then crashes. If something like this happens, we may feel as if 'someone up there' is looking after us, that our footsteps have been guided. We may have a heightened sense of the precariousness of life, how easily things could have turned out differently had it not been for an almost imperceptible, perhaps otherworldly nudge.


Similarly with the down-to-earth, science-oriented part of ourselves we may see a coincidence as a chance coming together of related events, but sometimes deep down we suspect that a coincidence is not a matter of chance at all. In coincidences we sometimes feel we catch a hint, albeit an elusive one, of a deep pattern of meaning hidden behind the muddle of everyday experience.


And sometimes people find that just when all hope seems lost, happiness is discovered the other side of despair, or that inside hatred hides the growing germ of love. For reasons we'll look at later, questions of happiness are these days closely connected with notions of sexual love, so that it is often the experience of falling in love that gives us the sense that 'this was meant to be'.


~ The Secret History of the World, Jonathan Black


:) This made me happy, and then it made me pity atheists such as Richard Dawkins and that unbelievable snob, Christopher Hitchens. (Usually, they irritate me with their generally condescending manner.) Because if they fail to see such things, it's more sad than it is stupid. Maybe behind it all, they simply had a terrible heartbreak that they couldn't recover from, and therefore lost all hope in anything good from heaven. Like the Quran conveys, God is as you think He is. If you insist on not believing in Him, then He will not be made manifest to you. Why do that to yourself.

JK Rowling's Exclusive Interview with Oprah



This was awesome in ways that I cannot even convey. I cried in the beginning when they talked about the end of Harry and what it meant for her, and I cried when she talked about how a fan came up to her and said, You are my childhood, and also when she described her difficult life and when they quoted her Harvard speech again: It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all.


I mean, really, like that girl, HP was an indispensable part of my childhood. I am sure I would have turned out different in some way if I hadn't loved the books as much as I did. And it would be impossible for me not to have fallen in love with it because like JKR mentioned, Harry was testimony to the wonders and power of imagination. And I was nothing if not an incredibly imaginative child (if I can say so myself). I didn't have imaginary friends, but I used to imagine a lot of things (being a superhero for instance, heheh), and Harry's world was like the most amazing playground ever. I swear, when I was in the throes of HP love (haha), 13 years old and walking home from school, I would ardently wish that a boy on a broomstick would land in the tree in front of me. And when I got home, what did I do but explore the internet for Harry again -- I would actually credit my learning about the internet to Harry, because I did not care much for internet chat or networking or whatever and couldn't have cared less otherwise.

So you know, when something is special to you... it's just special to you, in its own way. And JKR is inspiring and to whom I am exceedingly thankful for giving me a colourful childhood.

Russell Peters talking about arabs -- funny!!! XD

I love Lion King. It's probably the only Disney movie I watched properly in my childhood, and watched SO MANY times that every part of it is deeply ingrained in my memory -- like the shape of Mufasa's mouth for instance, haha. And this clip is the touching one between Simba and his dad before tragedy strikes. Simba is adorable.



But then, I also find things like this: Disney e Satanismo! It's a pastor passionately speaking about the evil poisoning of children by Disney. Obviously, if this is true, it is too late for me. Whatever subliminal sexual messages were intended, they're already done deal for me. >.< I wonder, have I been corrupted horribly by them.

haiyoh, you know what -- the day I become a mother, I'd like to throw out my tv. I have seen enough to convince me that it's better to be safe than sorry. I'll tell my children to read Roald Dahl and Enid Blyton and Harry Potter but not watch television.

Sesame Street even! Yesterday, I only discovered what the fuss was about Katy Perry and Elmo -- Katy Perry appeared on Sesame Street singing that Hot and Cold song, albeit with the lyrics modified. And a lot of people made fuss about how her clothes were too revealing for a kids' show, only to have the industry saying how surprised they were at the negative response. -.- I just. Don't know. Am sick with the lies I feel the media is saying. I don't see the point of a kids' show inviting an immoral popstar to have a play date with their character, is all. Come on, she's only barely short of Lady Gaga. Real parents with their heads screwed on right would, at the least, be concerned. And the fact that Sesame Street also invited Neil Patrick Harris on the show doesn't sit well with me -- it's like they're trying to introduce the idea of homosexuality (Hey, everyone, Mr Neil is Gay! -.-) even before kids really know the difference between boy and girl.



The world has never seen more confusing times. Good is bad, bad is good. And if you're the least bit religious, you're a prude.

Shaykh Hamza has a blog! Here, called Sandala Productions (named after tapak sandal Nabi s.a.w., I bet -- awesome or what!). My sister was like, "Stop stalking him!" I say, I can't help it! He deserves to be stalked. heheh. If I can learn to be a better person by dogging his cyber shadow, why not eh.

We either surrender to God or to the substitutes for God, which are invariably hollow. But true love, which is the love of God, is the single most powerful force in the world. It is a love that “alters not when it alteration finds.” It grows and never diminishes. If someone claims to have lost it, it can only be said that such a person did not have it to begin with. “It is the star to every wandering bark.” And in loving God, one must paradoxically love all of God’s creation, merely for the incontrovertible fact that everything is God’s creation. God does love everything in that He brought everything into existence from an act of divine love, and those who love God purely, and with the penetrating inner eye of reality, can only be a mercy while in the world.

I am still feeling the surreality of having gotten into the SLP course, because now, I know what I'll be doing in the future; as opposed to it all being unmapped terrain just a few days ago when I was still in limbo about my acceptance status. I shall walk with courage, God-willing.

I got the SLP Masters course! and it kind of still hasn't sunk in or stg. I mean, I am happy of course, and so grateful, but still so incredibly shocked. Because, I don't know, it seemed so impossible considering there were like 150+ people vying for the same 20 spaces and the fact that I had zero related work experience. But apparently, yes, one should not underestimate the power of prayer. thank you. I actually prayed for Ain too, and was starting to lose hope because they kept us waiting for so long, but to have both of us get in feels miraculous to me. :)))

Perhaps it really is true -- follow your heart and trust in God, and you'll end up where you need to be.

I just finished re-watching the last episode of Iljimae (the korean drama about a Robin-Hood-esque hero) with my mum. Still not happy that there is no sequel! mehhh. But I suppose it ended the best way it could. (SPOILER: i.e. we don't know if Iljimae died or not! which of course leaves poor Eun-chae pining for her love.)



This song is just sad. Every time I hear it, it makes me think of fluttering cherry blossoms in depressing, gloomy weather, just like in the drama. Speaking of which, one of my dreams is to sit under a cherry blossom tree in spring, so that the petals can fall down on me. And I don't want it to be in a crowded park in Japan where tourists and non-tourists fuss around to witness the spectacle. I want it to be on a nice grassy secluded hill, with just me, the tree and the sky. Is this too selfish?

And oh, here's the adorable scene at the titis tree, with the two cute kids. The girl is so cute -- my mum and me dubbed her robin cause she looks like a little bird, eheheh.

<3

Because my sister wanted me to save this one especially:


In a narration, Rasulullah SAW says, “Jibril came to me and said, ‘Oh Messenger of Allah, indeed Allah wishes peace upon you and says to you, “Oh my beloved Muhammad, if I took Ibrahim as Khalilullah (the one who loves Allah SWT), indeed I take you as Habibullah (the one who is loved by Allah SWT). I do not create the universe and all its contents except for Me to teach them your greatness and your position to Me. And if it isn’t because of you, I would not have created the universe.”’”

(From “Hujjatullahi ‘Alal ‘Alamin” written by Imam An-Nabahani, by Saiyidina Salman Al-Farisi RA,
narrated by Imam Ibn Asakir)

<3

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Today went to visit Kak Shida at the hospital (hospital visits getting more and more common during raya!); she seems mostly fine now. There was much hugging and crying; and laughing, because Mami is such a crybaby, it is amusing. She cries the moment she is hugged! Too cute. And we talked about future plans and meet-ups.

And I was going to blog about stg else but now am too tired. Ja!

This kid is 12 years old??? I think it's true that wisdom is not necessarily proportional to age. And that the wonderful thing about youth is their ability to dream -- I don't wanna lose it either! Have I lost it? :(

What Adults Can Learn From Kids, by Adora Svitak



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I'm meeting up with Jean tomorrow and I can't wait. It feels like ages since I've seen any of my friends.

I decided to watch Syurga Cinta because it's been getting rave reviews. And so far, the little kid is cracking me up! Where did they get this kid! XD Drama-mama-kid.

Happy Eid to all my Muslim friends! <3 I love you all, really.

I think it's bad if I haven't blogged for days. The way my mind works as it goes through life is, oh, that is an interesting thought, I should blog about that! but then all the oh-moments build up because I haven't blogged in ages and now I have a ton of them, and surely it is unfeasible to write all of them or even a substantial percentage here. Not to mention that untangling my thoughts is work in itself; tiring! hello, messy brain!

* I miss my dad. He's been in Madinah since the last quarter of Ramadhan, and this raya, his absence was keenly felt because I realise my dad is often the life of the group -- it is significantly more boring without my papa! :(

* The bila kita nak makan nasi minyak! question has started. O.O ohhhgod. How long will I have to endure this, I wonder.

* Don't know if it's just me -- but I've been seeing a lot of extra emphasis placed on our love for Nabi s.a.w. these days. The eid khutbah at Ghufran mentioned it; made me happpyyy.

* Insyirah actually called me Amati (which means auntie in Arabic) today; it's way too cute. >.<

* Sometimes I feel like I am at least five different people in my head. It can be stressful.

* You know those IQ pattern questions that ask what comes next? I love those. And I have this uncontrollable habit of picking up patterns even in real life; whether they be real or valid, only God knows. Aren't there moments when you feel like something is important but you're not sure what or why? I think I unconsciously store away moments like that because I'm waiting for a time when I can understand them better. When something else happens that sheds light on the previous moment, then I get a clearer view of the big picture -- and I suppose that's what I'm after. I want to see if there's a grand plan or not. Perhaps people who believe in a God always seek this out; maybe, I don't know. But when things start fitting neatly like a jigsaw, it is awesomeness. How can you think everything or anything is chance or coincidence or meaningless?

The fact that I took Nerney's writing class, News and the Public, back in 2007, for instance. For me, it was the most important class of my university life; possibly, the most important class I ever had in my life. And one of the reasons for this: that it opened my eyes to Walter Lippman's concept of Public Opinion, and how it is shaped by the powers that control information. (The caption for my blog too -- picture in my mind -- is taken from what I learnt from that class.) And now, it feels like I've already been primed early on to understand situations like this: Quran Burning Story: This Is How The Media Embarrass Themselves. And the big picture that is the fiasco and travesty of US media.

All of it is kinda like what they mention in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, that life can only be lived forwards but understood backwards. We'll see, as we look back, how it's all supposed to fit together. Or that movie of M. Night Shyamalan, Signs; I like that movie more than I care to admit because essentially the message is: have faith because God has a plan. :)

* And I reread this bit yesterday:

Why do people look at the ocean? It is much more interesting usually, what is to their back, right, the land because you can see all these plants and trees and flowers, but why do they look at the ocean? Part of it is -- what is that awe in us when we look at the ocean. Part of it is what is under. It is all that stuff that is hidden from us. If you wait long enough you will suddenly see this fish jump. Did you see that? That is what people do. Did you see that? Why are they so amazed? It is really interesting why they are amazed. Did you see that? Look over there. That is what Allah shows you when you believe in the unseen with these fish “did you see that?”. If you spend enough time doing it you do not do that anymore. You just say SubhanAllah. I am not making that up, that is the reality of life. Once you open yourself up to belief, it just keeps confirming itself to you. That is how you increase in imaan by just increasing in imaan because Allah gives you more to believe in. Have taqwa in Allah will keep teaching you more to have taqwa about. It is a real gift from Allah to all of us and that is why we should see it as a gift.


Extracted and edited from Success in this world and the next.

Tonight, I realise I miss my friends! And that, as we grow older, we may all take at least slightly different paths, and we may grow a bit distant, or maybe, never see each other again. But, I'm thinking, this doesn't necessary lessen the value of a friendship; because that person has already left his or her mark on you; you're a different person for having met this friend, for having shared laughs or tears or fights. And therefore, they'll always be a part of you. And when you meet up with said person, you're only rediscovering a layer of yourself, of the many myriad layers that make up who you are. I think this is why, when you see an old friend, it's far too easy to return to how it was -- because, see, they're already a part of you, these special people in your life.

tonight is malam ganjil -- the 23rd of Ramadhan. must take the opportunity.

Shota! :D



so sweet lah, the song.

on more important things -- gasp, it's September. :s

what does the ant know about the pattern on the Persian carpet.

The third part of a speech about the problems of pornography; Shaykh Hamza mentions Malcolm Gladwell's Tipping Point! (I love how he always happens to be connected or to mention some of my favourite people!) :D I sometimes wonder if I've become way too biased about this man but hello, if you can find someone else who speaks as well, please tell me.



If we haven't thanked people, we haven't thanked God, right? I'm so thankful to have discovered such good and inspiring people. Every time I finish listening to an amazing lecture, I swear I'm just always so amazed (going sugoi sugoi sugoi endlessly, eheh) and so thankful. And also, today, I was in Noor Sarah's car on the way back from APEX and Farhana was talking about her Arabic Intensive experience again and I found out that she apparently scrimped on food there -- like seriously, SHE HAD NO FOOD TO EAT because her bank account was zero! At one point she was surviving on a single sandwich for four days (and refused to ask her parents for money) -- and as she recounted this as an amazing experience in which she entirely relied on God to provide her, I realise that, ohmygoodness, she still bought me my book when she had no money to eat?!?!?! I was like, "Farhana, I don't believe you!!! You went hungry because of my book???" Seriously, crazy girl!!! Of course, we all started joking that it's all my fault she almost died or something -- but my goodness. Then I thought of this:

It is astonishing how people can influence others simply by being in each other's company. Imam al-Haddad said, "The company one keeps has major effects. It may lead to either benefit and improvement or harm and corruption, depending on whether the company is that of pure and eminent people or those who are immoral and evil. This effect does not appear suddenly, but is a gradual process that unfolds with time."

~ Purification of the Heart

I feel like I am benefiting so much just being around these people I have come to know and love, and when I was talking to someone last week who had only decided to join APEX, I said, "Sometimes I feel like I gain more than the kids." Kak Dora said the same thing, I think, some time last year, in a speech. So true.