Okay, this layout has become too claustrophobic! (marli was right.) I am so having a revamp when this sem ends.

going off to abang yan's soon for maulud. I wish I could do things and enjoy things without having work niggling constantly at the back of my mind. It's most suffocating.

I had an unusually good day this past thursday. It's the kind of day when you're almost not yourself at all, because you're so happy (for some reason or other) and so optimistic about the future that you suddenly find yourself wanting to do things you never dreamed of doing. I wish I had more of those days. I need more optimism; a lot more of it. I managed to finish all my work on that thursday and I felt happy when trying to fall asleep. Oh man, it was such a good feeling.

Maybe I'd accidentally taken something and became high? Haha.

I want to make a list of the worst things on earth:
1) Regrets
2) Roaches

I'll add more when they come to mind.

Anyway, I think the nineo thing is actually cool. They matched up a videography job for me (paying appx 50 bucks only but nvm) and I wanted to do it! Except that it's on next saturday and I tell you I will be so bogged down and frustrated next week, I just cannot afford to add anything more to my worklist. I have the evolution presentation, paper 3 due and programming practical. :S

Is it true that everyone is afraid everyone else will think they're crazy or weird if they reveal their true selves? Or is it just me? Why are humans so inherently insecure. It's so incredibly... dumb.

Who was Aristotle? I really want to meet this superbly brilliant person. I'm starting to think he's too smart to be real. How can such intelligent people exist? Wouldn't their brain be too heavy or something? He has famous and incredibly poignant anecdotes littered through various fields of thought. Amazing.

It is at moments like this that I can safely conclude within the deep nooks of my heart, regardless of compelling evidence, that we didn't evolve from monkeys. You ask a monkey to contemplate anything beyond a banana, and he becomes confused. And then you want to compare the Greek Genius Aristotle, who says things like Man is a political animal and We are what we repeatedly do, to aforementioned monkey??? Give him some respect, I say.

Not that I'm saying monkeys are dirt beneath our feet and should be stepped on, NO! We must love animals. I'm just saying we can't be monkeys, okay. Or apes, if you want to get nit-picky about it. You think I'm stubborn and so caught up with my own creationist ideas? Whatever. I just can't see Aristotle (or Newton or Einstein or Faraday or Lincoln or Hobbes or Bohr or Schrodinger) as a monkey.

Oh my god. I just had a vision of someone giving a counter argument to this with Bush. Yes, Bush easily resembles a monkey. Damn. A point to the opposition. Muaha. (Bush is dumb though. Hm. Are we approaching a theory here - the smarter, the less monkeyish?)

Anyway, what sparked this was my stumbling upon another Aristotle quote: "The greatest thing by far is to be a master of metaphor". And I think that is true on so many levels, I can't even begin to relate to you how much I was jumping inside in agreement when I read it. It was so totally what we discussed in writing class - that we all think in metaphors. You try going around in a day without using any form of metaphor in your speech, and you'll find yourself going practically wordless. Our thoughts are metaphorical, yo. It just goes to show how much of imaginative beings we humans are. :)

And tomorrow, we are going to get our paper 2 back. And Anu has made me think I will do well in it (by the method of elimination. the A+ apparently wasn't from the other class, and so it's from the remaining five of us. I have a 20% chance of getting that grade.), and now she has got me irrationally hopeful. The problem with getting good grades is the consequent head-swelling. It is most terrible. I shall concentrate then on my failing marks in C prog.

Today, I had genetics lecture. Prof was explaining the Hardy-Weinberg equation and how we still have random mating in human population although we select our mating partners. And he was trying to elaborate by saying: "That is why we have different tastes. Some of us will like tall girls. But some of us will like short girls so that the short girls will have a chance to reproduce as well. So overall, we have no selection."

Waaah. Thanks. Funny lah.

I think electrons are damn cool. We're doing quantum mechanics in physics now and I never knew the extent of electrons' coolness till I did this module. Electrons can be in two places at once, and tunnel through walls! I want to be an electron.

My eyes are begging me to shut them. But I am refusing to concede to their pleas. I can't afford to! I tell you, I will fall seriously sick one day, the way I treat my body. I should learn to take care of myself. I should SLEEP. SLEEP IS IMPORTANT.

Okay, feel a very strange urge to rip some paper up right now.

I have to write the last paper for UWC, and it's sort of an independent research thing. And I'm doing on blogs. It's interesting and all, but I am stuck. I don't know what to focus my paper on. Not to mention that I have other things to do and I cannot afford to invest hours just on this. This is when I wish I were Wonderwoman. Or something equally amazing.

God, you have no idea how much my eyes feel like LEAD. You know, I love it when I suddenly experience a metaphor or a simile. Know what I mean? It's when something happens that makes you finally understand a literary expression. Like the time when I was on a mountain and it was freezing cold and the wind was seriously seriously like a knife on my cheek. It's cool. I want to experience things. So - now my eyes feel like lead. I have also experienced a throat-went-dry. I also experienced a the-rest-of-the-world-faded-into-the-background moment. It was literal you know.

Anwyay, I should go back to work. I shall survive. I might emerge from this semester wounded beyond belief, but I shall survive. Because, damn it all, I am strong. Like Mrs Choo said to me waaaay back when I was 12 and I barely comprehended what she truly meant: Anyone can sail smooth seas, but it is the victor over the storm that gains true honour.

Also, Happy Maulidur Rasul. We're off to celebrate tonight. :) My dad wants to put up coloured lights on the windows. My dad wants to be revolutionary. He amuses me.

Yesterday, I was all heck care to schoolwork and followed my parents to babawok's place to have lunch and meet up with everyone. And everyone was all long-time-no-see and I felt happy. I think I've sort of forgotten how nice family gatherings can be. I tell you, it's so easy to forget when you're so absorbed doing a million other things. We watched an indon horror flick - "Bangku Kosong" - which was freeaky. And then Abah regaled us all with his sailing days as a radio officer. And after, we went to Mr Prata to eat. I had a good time away from work.

But now, I'm scouting around for intermembral indexes of primates. -___- bleaagh.

okay. tv rant time. because I can't stand how some of these freaking dumbass supernatural fangirls are behaving. I need to let off steam.

Can those girls please give Jo Harvelle a break! Ugh. It's so obvious sometimes that they're freaking thirteen year olds with humungous crushes on Ackles and want some equally gorgeous girl for Dean. What on earth. And if they're not thirteen year olds, they're slash obsessors who don't want anything to disrupt the brother dynamic. Some insist Dean should remain romantic-less forever. Wah, it makes me want to strangle them. Because they keep seeing these characters as the actors or something; they're not concerned with the storyline! I mean, I'd want Dean to have someone, cause he's such a poor tortured soul. And it'd be great character development if he could start to have a serious relationship. We'd get to see different sides of the character. But NOOOO. Once the girl appeared, they found a million things that were wrong with her.

And what pisses me off the most is the fact that the creators seem to be caving in to the wishes of these dumb fans! Ohmygadness, does this make me mad. It is a story, not a role-playing game! I am interested in watching a story by you, not by these crazy girls. Kripke suddenly says Jo and Dean probably aren't going to get together because the fans don't agree with it. I mean come on! You totally set it up as a romantic thing and you're going completely roundabout now? Don't ruin this for me. I thought you guys were good writers and made fantastically funny dialogue. Don't ruin your credibility. Please please please.

My problem is that I invest too much emotion and time into such frivolous things. Hah. But boy, does this make my blood boil.

Why do I have to have these days when I feel inexplicably evil? I don't know. Right now, I feel evil, like I've done something very bad, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Yesterday, when I went for physics lecture (quantum physics is uber cool. it really is, I'm not a physics geek.), Nadzirah started talking about how we always feel ungrateful. How we can't help but envy those who seem to have it so easy. The super-smart and super-pretty and super-nice person we all know one way or another, and the person's seemingly super-perfect life. I agreed with her, of course. I have, time and again, declared the world supremely unfair because the cards I've been dealt with aren't as amazing.

Then I thought about who we should truly, truly admire, and I realise that, hey! They have never had it perfect. People who are truly extraordinary are the ones who've been given tough times but manage to triumph, you know? I mean, what's the point of having it all easy? Where's the challenge in that? Where's the substance in that, that will mould you into a greater person? Take the story of any prophet - Moses, Jesus, Rasulullah, people you should aspire to be, or pick the fictional ones, Batman, Spiderman, Wolverine even - and you find that their lives were always always far from perfect.

So, to cut this short, point is: embrace the difficulties in life for they will make you greater.

The other night, I came out of the kitchen to find my brother pretending to be a radio DJ, while my sister studied and listened to him. And he declared that his back-up jobs (should all lawyer-engineer-doctor professions not work out) would be 1) radio DJ, 2) bus driver and 3) nelayan (fisherman). That honestly tickled me. But it got me thinking too. I've had that list before. I wanted to become a National Geographic photographer once. But now, I've learnt to dream less. I also think it's damn cool to have Ian Wright's job. Who wouldn't want that. Lately, I've been dreaming of opening a cafe-cum-bookstore-cum-videostore somewhere in the heartland of Tampines. Maybe. But I have much less faith in dreams now than I used to. Oh well.

I was just watching E! while trying to plough through calculus and paris and nicole appeared on the screen. They were on their latest episode of simple life (I think) and they were supposed to be camp counselors. And you wouldn't believe what Nicole said.

Kid shakes hands with Nicole.
Nicole: Hey, how old are you?
Kid: 11 years old.
Nicole: Sexual.

WHAT. Trying to make 'sexual' the new 'hot', Nicole??? You couldn't imagine how much I laughed. What insanity! I fell off my stool and continued laughing on the floor. What is wrong with these people!

I mourn the sad state of my malay. Sis and me were trying to write a letter to our friends in Surabaya and we were so paralysed by our lack of Malay vocabulary. Half the time, I was laughing my ass off trying to find the words. I pride in my ability to scribble and crap, but now I find my weakness.

I have gotten over Joronoko's suspension on youtube. I shall wait for the episodes on tv. bahah. In the meantime, these are fantastic quotes from supernatural. :)

1. (Ash is a hobo-like, filthy-looking but very intelligent, sporadic character on the show.)
Ash shows the guys his tricked-out computer that's monitoring all the possible warning signs of demon emergence.
Sam: Ash, where did you learn to do all this?
Ash: MIT, before I got bounced for fighting.
Sam: (Disbelieving) MIT?
Ash: It's a school in Boston.

2. Dean: My name is Dean Winchester. I'm an Aquarius; I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach, and frisky women. And I did not kill anyone.

3. Dean: Dude, this is sweet! I never get to work jobs like this!
Sam: Like what?
Dean: Old school haunted houses. You know – fog, secret passageways, sissy British accents… we might even run into Fred and Daphne inside. [He gets a lustful look in his eyes.] Mmmm. Daphne. Love her.

4. Sam and Dean find Curtis in the bar, chugging down alcohol. He tells them what happened to him when he was abducted:
Curtis: They did tests on me, and, um, (chug) they probed me.
Dean: They probed you?
Curtis: Yeah, they probed me. Again and again and again and (chug) and again and again and again and then one more time.
Dean [completely deadpan]: Yikes.
Curtis: And that's not even the worst of it.
Dean: How could it get any worse? Some alien made you his bitch!
[Curtis glares at Dean. Dean looks abashed.]
Curtis: They… they made me…slow dance!

5. Sam blows up at Dean
Sam: Dude, You know something? I put up with a lot from you.
Dean: What are you talking a bout? I'm a joy to be around.
Sam: Yeah, your dirty socks in the sink? Your food in the fridge?
Dean: What's wrong with my food?
Sam: It's not food anymore, Dean, it's Darwinism!

HAHAHA.

I love them both. For the millionth time: brotherly love rocks.

I realise I always want to begin any entry with an exclamation of OHMYGOD. But now, really.

OHMYGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Youtube has suspended the account of the person who is the sole provider of my favourite tv show! I want to cry. NO!!!!! PLEASE. WHY ARE YOU EVIL.

I shall leave now to collect the pieces of my mind that has exploded into little bits over this shocking news.

I still haven't done my lsm lab reports!!! screwed. dead dead dead. I shall blame it on my siblings who don't have school and are making me think I have no classes either. blah to the world. And we have those talk till the night's old sessions; where conversations are rubbish and pure fun. And I have new jokes! I can't wait to tell someone.

I saw the spidey 3 trailer last night and I am so excited for it. :) my fave superhero. I have too many favourite things, I think.

I want to watch '300' tomorrow night but it looks like I'll be stuck doing lab reports. -__- I miss the cinema! I really really do! Blood Diamond was so long ago!

Dear God, please let me get through tomorrow.

Life is just a pot of crazy events.

Siiiiiiiiigh.

It's really irritating how your mood can swing drastically within a day. Everytime I step home, my mood goes downhill. I love my family but they drive me nuts. And I swear, I just can't study like this. Everyone is so freaking temperamental! Including me of course. So, really, it's a nightmare. My mum expresses herself too much that it angers people, my dad doesn't express himself ever and when he does, blows up inexplicably, and us three siblings are caught in the middle doing our own temperamental things to each other. Mostly me to my brother actually, cause I get fed up with him being favoured as the boy. And snap at him constantly.

Like last night, I snapped at him to go clean the kitchen cause hello, I come home at 8pm, have to be in school at 8am and yes, excuse me, I have work to finish by then. But no! Apparently, it is a sin for the male sex to stand at the sink. God, so pissifying. All he did during the day was watch a movie okay, whilst I have to be in school the entire frakking day. And he couldn't do this one thing. This attack on my brother was taken as a personal attack on my mother so she got pissed at me. For God's sake! So she cleaned the kitchen just to prove something to me. Did I ask her to, huh? Huh! I just wanted some fairness, hello! There's no excuse or religious basis for perpetuating this stupid women-serve-men thing because Rasulullah helped with the housework, okay. And did I say I never ever wanted to clean the kitchen ever? I just meant that night! And am I not allowed to get pissed at having to do so much work? omg. frustration to the max.

breeeeathe.

see. it's nuts.

And when I was in school, I wanted to blog about something funny that happened but once I got home, my mood changed. How to blog about something funny, you tell me.

okay, I'm going to try anyway. Because what happened was truly hilarious. I was having a very long, difficult physics prac. And my partner and I were practically the last people to print out our graphs. Then this guy comes over and says he wants our graph cause his sucks and every other printer is off. So we were like, okay. Then I was clicking on the mouse and asked him, "You want this one, right?" And he went, "Yar." And the printing window came out. And the cursor was at the "No. of copies" section. So I typed 4 and he simultaneously typed 3 and I simultaneously clicked the OK button. HAHA. 43 copies yo. I almost screamed. And I went, "OMG! Shit!" Then I tried to find the printer window to cancel the print you know, but for some reason it was obscure on the physics comp and I couldn't think straight and find it. And all the while, the freaking laser printer is churning out paper every three seconds. And the guy's like, "It's okay, it's okay! There isn't enough paper anyway!" And he goes among the churning papers and frantically bangs on the power buttons but nothing works. And I wasn't helping things by going oh-my-god contantly and laughing like a maniac. Then finally he tugged on the cable and the printer finally died. Immediately it became quiet, and hell, it was so funny! Then my partner came back to us and went, "What happened!" And I could barely explain to him cause I was laughing like crazy.

The poor wasted papers. Woooh.

Sometimes I think it just gets too hard. Work, life, the whole thing.

I think it's pretty much official about myself - that I start laughing at a higher frequency when I'm stressed. Which is a good thing, I guess, because it sort of relieves some of that stress. I remember me and Jean cracking our heads over physics S in JC and me laughing my head off at the fact that we couldn't do the questions. I dont know, finding myself clueless over math questions for instance sets me off somehow. The situation seems ridiculous. Like today, me, aisyah and adilah were having a freaking hard time doing math at the maple lab. We couldn't do the last half of it and I just wanted to laugh and laugh. Aisyah was like, "Shamiah, I want to cry..." I was like, "Me too!" But I was laughing away. And Adilah said, "Die you Maple! Die!" Which of course sent me into another fit of giggles. Really. But I got home and the stress got too much and I felt so terribly misunderstood, that I finally cried.

Anyway, I painfully took down all of the metaphors in Walter Lippmann's text for writing class. And I just wanted to add this idea of his here, that's very interesting, and also quite true I think. He says, "Sometimes people create their own facade when they think they are revealing the interior scene." He was referring to autobiographers and how when they reveal intimate details about themselves to others, they think they're revealing the truth about themselves but they're just telling people what they think about themselves. So I was thinking about blogs and how, whatever I'm blogging, is what I think of myself, and the truth of me? Who knows. Only God then. Or perhaps the only way to know someone as much as possible is to live with them.

Also, I wanted to talk about Speed. My favourite action movie ever. It played on Star Movies last night and I watched it again (can't resist). The first time I saw it was when I was eight and I fell in love with a Hollywood star for the first time. I don't care if Keanu isn't Oscar material, he's just so terribly good-looking. And it's been more than 10 years, and man, it's true what they say: first loves don't fade. So last night was nice cause I got to watch it again although I didn't do my programming tutorial. And it was funny too cause my brother and sister kept discussing Keanu's perfectly shaped eyebrows and whether he actually trimmed it or shaped it or whatnot. Rubbish I say. All au natural.

I screwed up programming. Dieeee.

I was reading this story once and came across a fantastic way to relieve stress and frustration. In the story, this lady was fed up with her life and needed desperately to scream. But instead of morphing into a banshee and destroying her throat, she went to a store and bought reasonably cheap china plates. Boxes and boxes of them. Then she stood in the middle of her kitchen and smashed each plate onto the floor.

Ah. Stress-relief. I should get my own plates. But my mum would kill me if I have pieces of porcelain on the floor.

It's that feeling of frustration that you can't shake, you know, that makes you want to break something. Frustration that easily transforms into irrational anger. I keep wanting to pick up a rock and break someones window. Other times, I wish I could get away from it, so I imagine I could jump into a big fat vat of goo and sink slowly and peacefully to the bottom, so that all the noise stays away above the surface. And all's quiet down where I am in the goo.

goodness, why am I like this?

Anyway, yesterday's movie night was nice, although I was close to falling asleep at the end of the movie cause I was so tired. The pizza was fantastic, Nerney's flat was beautiful (seriously gorgeous and well-tended greenery) and the projector and screen provided me with my much-missed cinematic experience. And Pleasantville was nice even though I'd watched it more than once before.

I like the bit at the end of the movie, when David's mum complains how she's such a wreck cause she's forty years old and a widow and miserable. How when her husband was still alive they had planned for the perfect car, the perfect house, the perfect life. And how everything's wrong now and it's not supposed to be like this. And David tells her, "It's okay. It's not supposed to be anything."

It's not supposed to be anything. I'm okay, I guess.

Extremely high exhaustion level. Towards the end of today, I might fall asleep on my feet. (Having consecutive papers and fieldtrips and seminars and ill-timed lessons will do that to you.)

Am at the central library and for some inexplicable reason, I can't log into hotmail. -___- Mood is so going downhill.

After the zoo fieldtrip I have in less than an hour, I'm going to Nerney's place at Kent Vale for a movie seminar-cum-dinner thing. It sounds like fun, so hopefully I won't be sleepy for that. Nerney is far too nice I think. He's providing pizza.

Okay, I'm far too sleepy to blog. Incoherent thoughts.

Oh, I bought this month's First mag and read about '300' the movie and I realise that I miss the cinema.

bye.

I have several problems. And right now, I don't know what to do about them because these problems are inherent and to be rid of them would require my having a personality change. And I don't know how to do that.

Like the fact that I am 100% sloth. I took a blog quiz thing and of all the deadly sins, sloth ranked number one at 100%!!! Yes, it's a stupid quiz, but still. I quite agree. I am so lazy sometimes, I scare myself. Honestly, how have I ever survived this far?

Then there's the fact that I am much too extreme. My brain cannot understand the concept of moderation. Like when I like something, I really like it a lot. I go seriously nuts about it. When I fall in love with a song, I'll listen it to uncountable times. Then even when I have to go off and stop listening to it, the lyrics are ringing in my head. It's madness. Why do I do this to myself. I overkill everything. I love to obsess.

why why why.

I have a physics assignment due in less than 10 minutes and I still have a question undone. See the extent of my sloth-like qualities?

I think my obsessions are drugs. They're so freaking addictive. When I suddenly find myself with nothing to obsess over, I suffer the withdrawal symptoms - perpetual moroseness, despair etc.

Possibly I need a shrink.

NO. I don't want to be mad. Not really.

I think I need to be closer to God.

Brrreeeeaaaattthhhhe.

I was just thinking in the car on the way home today, how the future of this secular world was going to be like. People are increasingly uncertain of the existence of a God. To most people, religion is just an extra something for spiritual health. They don't honestly believe in angels or prophets or the idea of heaven. In the future, would anyone at all believe in the magical or supernatural or almighty? Would everything be utterly scientific; people believing only if given uncontested data and statistics? It's sad. It's just really sad.