Watched the last half of Smallville last night (forgot it started at 830!) and was so thrilled cause it was about Lex - the reason I ever had any interest in the show in the first place. He meddled with black kryptonite or something, and his evil half materialised. A walking evil Lex, who shot Mr Kent in the leg and used green kryptonite against Clark and wanted world dominion. I have to say this - he was so cool! I have never seen Lex so... assertive, powerful and using all his intellectual prowess. He had said at one point, "You were right about me all along, Mr Kent. This is the real Lex Luthor." And Michael Rosenbaum acted well, I think, unlike Tom Welling, whose pretty face makes up for any lack of talent in that department.

Of course, the ending was extremely anticlimatic (smallville's undeniable flaw) - the two halves fused back together with Lex not recollecting any evil deeds - but nonetheless, I like the episode! Because, as is clear, it was about Lex, and the evil he's fighting within him. I like Lex! (And all characters like him aka DT!Draco, Constantine..., who are living in the shades of grey and are underdogs and are fighting a battle against their own evils and are consequently constantly surrounded with suspicion and mystery.)

Anyway, am going for photog phototaking today and then the scholarship exhibition. It's a kiasu move, but nevermind... If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Today is such a bad day.

And losing my handphone was really the last straw. (So you know why if I don't reply to messages.)

Nothing really bad happened per se (except the losing handphone part) but I was experiencing a lot of morale crushing (due to inability to solve physics questions and repetitive careless mistakes) and panic attacks. Prelim timetable is out, you see. And they had to be so inhumanely evil and put the Bio S paper before the hols. Which gives me, let me see... only about a month left.

My resting heartrate has increased.

And I think my handphone was stolen. Being the stupid psycho that I am, I normally put my handphone in the open side pocket of my bag. It's a crime-inducing position, if I can call it so. And I clearly remember placing it there when we left delifrance. So some itchy hand (I hope that hand burns in hell) must have swiped my old yet beloved handphone from its resting place. The first time I noticed was when I wanted to listen to the radio in the train. I was frantically opening and closing my bag, digging around for my phone, praying for it to be somewhere. I must have appeared really... mad.

The whole fiasco was really the last straw.

I desperately want to do well for coming exams. I desperately want to have the opportunity for scholarship and overseas study. That's the problem with wanting things so badly, or loving something so dearly - you have so much to lose.

Digging and digging. Through piles and piles of papers and dust. Am attempting to revamp bedroom and table; in short neaten up my life. Dearest Daddy has weirdly been the motivation for this ever since he's proven his expertise with the vacuum cleaner. And my carpet is now cleaner than it's been for years.

I think it supremely unfair that my biological system does not want to synchronise with school system. I feel sleepy at 9 pm but if I manage to get through that time without dozing off, I can stay awake past 12 am to maybe 2. Then I end up being a zombie in school the next day. Hmph. Such a bother.

By the way, went to the US uni fair this past Sunday with birds 'cept for duckie (who's set on UK, it seems), and was so attracted to UPenn. And also to Columbia, although Columbia seems dangerous (definitely a minus point here). The really big names scared me to bits, and we did not even venture to the Yale and Harvard booth. Though we did talk to the Princeton person, who gave us weird looks (which maybe we deserve for looking so blur, as compared to everyone else) and said that everything is 'good' at Princeton. Wow, elaborate, won't you? Certain conversations were really painful.

ALL the universities there seemed much more appealing than NUS. Wish I was really rich.

Psychology. I don't know. I really don't. Pharmocology? Medicine? Microbiology? Immunology? Neuroscience? How do you know what to do!

Does anyone out there know what they really want? Tell me if you do. I need decision-making tips. How do you know when anything's right for you???

Anyway, was looking at various courses offered in the US unis, and entertained the notion of taking a random minor, just for fun! Like Arabic or Photography. Heh. If only life was like a walk through the library.

~

Have to write about this: Am I really that intuitive. It happened again, one of those weird coincidence thingeys.

Was walking out of mall, and walked past group of people talking loudly, and last two words I caught from their conversation was 'Edward Scissorhands'. Got home, not 20 minutes later, food ready in front of me, switched on tv to channel 58 and guess what was starting at that moment as I sat down? Right you are - Edward Scissorhands.

Coincidence. Again???

How about all those other times when I thought of a person and then poof, there he is. There was once, I remember so vividly, I was at the movie theatre, then I went to the washroom. As I pushed open the door, I clearly thought, "There's a high chance I'll meet someone I know around here..." And when I finished that thought, Raihana was standing in front of me, coming out of the loo. I zoned out for a full two seconds, before responding to her greeting. Just could not believe it, you know.

And the day I decided not to go for pe, they cancelled pe! But I guess that's pure luck. Haha.

Then there are those really shockingly good things that happen, which I don't doubt is God's doing: Like praying for taxi in really dire situation and a cab zooms down the road towards you once you reach the curb. Or praying for a good friend to end up in same class in JC (hoping beyond hope for it to be Turk but it didn't) and was consequently reunited with Jean. Or even vague childhood wishes of whole Bafadhal family getting back together, and it has. Tis' amazing you know. I could go on listing. God's listening, no doubt about that.

At the same time, God gives sometimes incomprehensible or weird signs. And simply loves irony.

S paper lectures completely over for me. I wonder if they have been of any use at all.

Lights in LT2 went off during lecture today. Second time such a thing happened. Don't think it's any supernatural being anymore... unlike that time during drama rehearsals. Seems a bit silly for a ghost to be playing around in the middle of the day, to an audience of at least 200. Must be some technical fault in the system.

Stress is causing weird side effects. Instead of moping, it has caused me to burst into hysterical laughter at a higher frequency, at the most mundane things. I need endorphins. I should play. Something physical. Badminton perhaps. But no one to play with at home...

Am making my after-A-levels list soon.

SPOILERS FOR HALF-BLOOD PRINCE (If you care, that is.)


The majority of fans seem to agree to Snape's non-evilness. Hoorah. Cassie put it best: Dumbledore wouldn't beg for his life in the first place—I doubt he is any more terrified of death than Nicholas Flamel was. Nothing could be clearer.

With Snape's non-evilness, comes the possibility of redemption for Draco, seeing how he will be under Snape's wing and all. Oh yay. Yay. This is so good. Draco is not a 2D villain!

Oh my gosh. When will Book 7 come.


Got back GP today. Absolutely horrid grade. Self-esteem has hit earth's core. Am supposed to be studying constantly but am also continuously getting bouts of extreme fatigue and end up dozing off instead. And because of lack of self-control and high level of impulsiveness, I take at least an hour to finish a meal while watching bits of the PoA movie on dvd, with the excuse that I need some recreation before starting to work. Then, because depression has sunk in deep, I claim I need to pen down frustrations and laments, thus spending what little time I have blogging and updating written journal. After all of that, virtually no time is left for study. Oh, woe to me.

FINISHED Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Don't read on if you fear spoilers.




I think it was great. There was much humour, very exciting especially when more about Tom Riddle was revealed, and extremely mind-boggling. But I stand by my theory. Or at least I'm hoping I'm right. Snape cannot be evil. Dumbledore could not have made such a huge mistake, could he? There seems to be so much more going on than we know, than what Harry knows.

And now. The agony of waiting for Book 7.

Went to fishball factory today! The attendance was dismal - 13 out of an expected 23 (2 vegetarians voiced out their displeasure to consumption of fish). But I had such a good laugh there. We had to wear these horrid, yellow raincoats and a hair net. We looked so funny! Manu kept laughing at me. Then we had to wear boots because the place was pretty wet... And smelled awfully fishy in certain places. Upside of it all was the complimentary (was it?) food. I liked the prawn balls! There were vegetable balls too. They were quite good...

Downloading Il Divo songs now.

Am counting down. About 24 hours to you know what!

Felt like I was stuck in some drama or soap opera. My jaw hit the ground, almost literally, hearing that such things do exist. Mind-boggling.

Anyway, disappointed with all my grades. And annoyed with school as usual.

From the book am reading now, The Fallen by Dale Bailey:

"Anyway, given the choice between belief and non-belief, Pascal said the wise man wagers that God exists. If he wins, he wins eternal life. If he loses, he's lost nothing but two or three hours on Sunday mornings."

"Kind of underestimates God, doesn't it?"

"How so?"

"God can't tell the difference between mock faith and the real deal?"

"Maybe, maybe not. Dad used to say faith and doubt were facing sides of the same coin. You can't have faith unless you have doubt."

"What do you mean?"

"Faith is trust in something you can't see, something you can't know for sure. If you know, then you don't have faith, you have knowledge."

Hey, I think it's both knowledge and trust. Thinking logically, you have to conclude that God has to exist. It's the logical explanation, as opposed to everything being a mass of molecules spontaneously reacting, and the big bang occuring of its own accord.

And we humans think we're so smart...

I take back some of the words I said in the last entry. This past week hasn't been good, and oh, the triviality of grades, when you're faced with raw reality. I know it's horrifying to say this, but it makes me feel strangely alive. Within the space of a minute, I am accosted with this whole range of emotions, and flashbacks from a painful period in the past. I was jolted out of mundanity. Perhaps I'm one of those people who seek drama in life. How foolish. How ironic too.

"Men," said the Lady of Doubtance, rolling the words, "I find at times tiresome. Tell me: do you like melodrama?"

"I think there's more than enough in the world," Philippa said, "Without anyone adding to it."

"What!" said the old lady. Her wrinkles deepened. "An unromantic woman at last!"
~ Pawn in Frankincense

I wish I wasn't so... what's the word... Contained? Held back? I wish I could do what I feel is right, without caring, without being so afraid. I didn't grow up in such a household. I don't think many people do, except for a lucky few. I wanted to hug someone so badly, but I didn't. It's as though to show one's emotions openly is to make oneself unquestionably and scarily vulnerable. And not to mention, because open affection isn't a normalcy in my life, to do so is just plain weird.

Not that I haven't lived with affection my entire life; quite the contrary. There are rare bursts of it on special occasions and in dire situations. Usually though, the transmission of such fluffy things is at an extremely subliminal level that if I were to have an ounce more of cynicism added to my system, I'd say it's non-existent. But right now, I know it's there. And I'm thankful that at least, there's that, and because of it we know we love each other, despite everything and no matter what.

Though I stand: We owe each other so much more.

Got both chem and phy back. I could have done much worse, but I didn't do good either. Prelims looming scarily near.

Anyway, finished reading The Virgin's Lover by Philippa Gregory. Another fantastic, addictive story. She's so good with suspense and twists and at the same time, with emotions. Of course, if I had known the full history of Europe's royalty, it'd be more predictable, somewhat. I think reading historical fiction must be the absolute best way to learn about history. Of course then, I'd have to know where to use my discretion and draw the line between reality and make believe. Which, as some would know, is a problem issue with me.

The story's about ill-fated love, mostly. Duty to country, duty to family, duty to spouse. Ambition (if it's about royalty, how can it ever be not?). Betrayal. And, as is typical of gregory, includes lots of slamming of the male species. Haha. She so brings out the feminist in me. She always shows the most horrible character traits in her male characters (save a few) and makes you hate them. Robert Dudley was such a bastard.

Trying to slow down rate of reading now.

Short school day tomorrow. Hurrah.

Went for mentoring today after a month, and almost wished I didn't, despite all the guilt boiling within me. The place was such a racket. They were all so busy putting up everything for tomorrow's charity carnival; unloading carts of things from lorries, shouts from one corner of the hall to the other, setting dinner tables for no doubt tomorrow's VIPs and when I finally caught sight of Farhan, I could see he was hoping not to see me. I could understand. He wanted to be in the midst of things. He wanted to have fun and help out. And I had to take him away from all that and coop him up in the library. And so, his evil side won out, and he tried to run away from the session, and he consequently received a scolding, which left him in tears. I felt so bad. I had wanted to ask him if he was busy so I could go, but he dashed off saying he'd get his bag and didn't appear for a long time. A while later, he trudged in, hiding his face, though I could still see his tear-streaked cheeks, and sat alone in one corner, reading. Then dearest becok Adam filled me in on what happened. Farhan refused to speak for a long time.

Then I thought about how maybe he'll start to hate me. And I started to get worried. Even though technically, I didn't do anything wrong. I hate it when people hate people with no apparent good reason. (I can feel myself digessing from current topic.) I think it's only valid to hate a person if: he murders or seriously maligns one of your loved ones, disrespects yours or others' opinion, values and religion or has not an ounce of humanity within him. (Like that psycho guy who rammed down the kindergarten kids with his truck just because they were blocking the road with their morning assembly.) Dislike certain traits in people - maybe. But not hate. Hate is too strong an emotion.

Humans must learn to be forgiving. I have had instances where I was so hurt I didn't think I could forgive, but I eventually learnt to. Because it is a noble thing to do. Because it is more courageous than biting back. To err is human, to forgive divine. So true. I just pasted a quote from the hadith there on the right. Which brings me to say: I am convinced. Allah knows what He's doing, and I shall stop questioning where I know I won't understand. For what is my knowledge and intelligence compared to God's? What is my extent of mercy and humanity compared to God's? I shall stop thinking it's unfair.

I love the Noble Quraan! (The translated version of the original Quraan.) I will learn Arabic by next year and try to interpret some things myself. Hopefully. Oh my. I can be ambitious if I want to.

Anyway. Farhan eventually got around to playing and talking after an hour. And I was relieved.

I am so melodramatic.

I think I could act, you know, if I wanted to. I keep thinking that if I were born in a different place to a different family (technically, I won't be me then, but humour me), say in Hollywood to the Culkin family, and I get a chance to star in movies, I think I'll be a good actress. I might not be big, because for that you need dazzling looks and hot gossip as well, but I'd not find it terribly hard to act. All I'd need to do is get rid of the initial camera shyness and stage frights, then I can act. I somehow find it easy to be in someone else's shoes and I get so easily absorbed in things, I think I'd believe I'm the character I play. Watching and reading already gets me going, what more of acting. The other time, I was watching 'Who's The Boss?' on hallmark, and actually cried at this sweet, sad part. How much more of a sap can I get? It's supposed to be a happy, family show!

Like I said, I'm melodramatic, obsessive and compulsive.

Done with common tests! Physics is by far the worst for me. Then Chem. Then Math. Then Bio. Oh well. Will see how it turns out.

Went out to eat and shop with Nikki and Jean. Ended up spending quite a bit. Bought another Philippa Gregory book! It's sort of a sequel to the last book, Queen's Fool, but not exactly. It's called The Virgin's Lover and I think it's about Queen Elizabeth this time. I think I'll start reading it really soon, abandoning my current read. Also bought the Les Choristes soundtrack! Didn't want to, but... I was persuaded. Yay. Love the music.

I think I have obsessive compulsive disorder.

And okay, so I'm not half-sloth.

I feel sleepy. Deprived sleep for the whole week. Time to make up for it all.