I take back some of the words I said in the last entry. This past week hasn't been good, and oh, the triviality of grades, when you're faced with raw reality. I know it's horrifying to say this, but it makes me feel strangely alive. Within the space of a minute, I am accosted with this whole range of emotions, and flashbacks from a painful period in the past. I was jolted out of mundanity. Perhaps I'm one of those people who seek drama in life. How foolish. How ironic too.
"Men," said the Lady of Doubtance, rolling the words, "I find at times tiresome. Tell me: do you like melodrama?"
"I think there's more than enough in the world," Philippa said, "Without anyone adding to it."
"What!" said the old lady. Her wrinkles deepened. "An unromantic woman at last!"
~ Pawn in Frankincense
I wish I wasn't so... what's the word... Contained? Held back? I wish I could do what I feel is right, without caring, without being so afraid. I didn't grow up in such a household. I don't think many people do, except for a lucky few. I wanted to hug someone so badly, but I didn't. It's as though to show one's emotions openly is to make oneself unquestionably and scarily vulnerable. And not to mention, because open affection isn't a normalcy in my life, to do so is just plain weird.
Not that I haven't lived with affection my entire life; quite the contrary. There are rare bursts of it on special occasions and in dire situations. Usually though, the transmission of such fluffy things is at an extremely subliminal level that if I were to have an ounce more of cynicism added to my system, I'd say it's non-existent. But right now, I know it's there. And I'm thankful that at least, there's that, and because of it we know we love each other, despite everything and no matter what.
Though I stand: We owe each other so much more.
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