fangirl post 2051

while BTS takes over US media at the moment as they spend

their week in LA and at the American Music Awards

(once again breaking barriers, wooooh clapclap),

I thought I'd blog about Baepsae --

the song I'd meant to talk about waaay earlier and rave about

but then withheld because I didn't want to appear too crazy a fan --

but now I realise it's far too late cause it's pretty much obvious

how much of a general nutso I am, and

how I love this group to pieces; so what the heck:

here's Baepsae.

The reason I'm blogging about Baepsae -- and it's not a new song of theirs either;
is because it's the song that made me a fan. I've realised this upon looking back.
I've been trying to figure that out, you see -- like, where was the turning point?

My first taste of BTS (as it was for many people) was the Dope MV that spread like a slow, steady fire on the internet (end 2015-ish). I can't recall anymore how I stumbled on it; probably from a reaction video, that led me to the actual video. I recall specifically being blown away by the dancing, the energy, and the put-togetherness of the whole video. It was so well-done, I'd never seen anything like it; I just kept rewatching that single video again, and again. But after a while... I drifted away from it -- was never a music person per se, much less a kpop person, you see. (Although yes, Big Bang fan here -- up until the point BTS took over my fan-life, for a good 4 years or so, my ringtone was Big Bang's Haru Haru; hehe, now it's BTS's Cypher Part 4's opening beat.)

And then YouTube feed (the way all social networks work in this day and age) informs me of a new BTS song called Fire. So very quickly, I was back at marveling at the wonder and talent of this group. They are so good at singing these great energetic songs and mesmerising us with their dancing in these beautiful music videos. But at this point, I was still a distance away from it all, until... I came across Baepsae.

I distinctly recall walking back from work and listening to Baepsae, and thinking, ohmygoddd, what is this amazing, addictive beat! And then I looked up the lyrics -- and it was ohhhhmygoddd, what they're saying is awesome! They're basically anti-establishment underdogs, who tell you to fight for your dreams; and the metaphors they use!

yes, so what I'm a crow-tit, you're a stork -- I'll try, I'll fight the system you have here that privileges you, you put us down all the time, but you'll see, we'll make it, and we'll win. After that point, I became voracious with BTS content. I'd figured, they were my thing. This is the kind of stuff I like! They are wonderful. They say amazing things but are cool, and hip, and on top of it all, sweet, and nice, and humble, and lovely young people, who emulate great teamwork and friendship.

Now they're making history. I'm such a big fan of their work, and I'm actually really curious as to how they will keep up that image of fighting the wrongs of the system, now that they're slowly peaking in the music industry. It's easy to sing about being underdogs, and being downtrodden, when you are underdogs, but now? That's the true test, right? What will you do now that you're in a position of power and influence. (As I say this I realise they just joined UN recently for an #EndViolenceAgainstChildren campaign recently, so yay, doing me proud so far.)


The true measure of influence of a piece of art/entertainment, I feel,
is the extent of fan activity that is generated.
(I bear witness to the blooming of HP fandom online since the early days of the internet.
E and I sometimes reminisce on the good old days when there were basically only 2-3 websites for HP fans*, and fanfiction was decent and contained within www.fanfiction.net.)

so anyway, I found these amazing acoustic English covers of BTS songs!

---

*who remembers the internet days of HP Galleries, Sugar Quill, and Gryffindortower.net? haha. I remember coming home from school and visiting those few places on a fairly daily basis for updates. oh, good old fangirling days.

and just, finally to finish, 

Crowley gives a good opinion here, heheh:

there are more important things

Yesterday, I suddenly thought of this, out of the blue, so I dug it up;
it made me feel warmed, motivated.

I'm so glad I discovered and fell in love with this book series in my childhood.


"I might be able to hold Snape off for a while, but I'm no match for him, really."

"But Harry -- what if You-Know-Who's with him?"

"Well -- I was lucky once, wasn't I?" said Harry, pointing at his scar. "I might get lucky again."

Hermione's lip trembled and she suddenly dashed at Harry and threw her arms around him.

"Hermione!"

"Harry -- you're a great wizard, you know."

"I'm not as good as you," said Harry, very embarrassed as she let go of him.

"Me!" said Hermione. "Books! And cleverness! There are more important things -- friendship and bravery and -- oh Harry, be careful!"

-- Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, JK Rowling


A bunch of wonderful 11-year-olds, learning early on, what the important things in life are.
And taking them on.
You know, like: if I don't do this, I don't know who will;
Someone's got to do it; okay, I will.

Excellent little vlog by a young fan

explaining why BTS is awesome!

💜

they are a phenomenon.

I love what these boys represent.

(and feel very gratified that I sort of saw this coming);

at moments like this, I have faith in my taste, haha.

and also! I've figured that my blog posts are rising because
(i) falling down the endless spiral of BTS fandom
(ii) my work that has me sitting at home writing reports -- except of course I will be distracted from my work every other minute, and blog instead
(iii) ?




Thank You God for all matters, and for all things.

seedlings of joy

I've been meaning to get to Andrew Solomon's book, The Noonday Demon!

This man has such an eloquence for telling his stories,

that probably comes from his own pain and the piercing insight he gained

from a lifetime of struggle.

A Buddhist scholar I know once said to me

that Westerners mistakenly think

that nirvana is what arrives when all your woe is behind you

and you only have bliss to look forward to.

But he said that would not be nirvana,

because your bliss in the present

would always be shadowed by the joy in the past.

Nirvana he said, is what you arrive at,

when you only have bliss to look forward to

and find in what looked like sorrows

the seedlings of your joy.

ohmygoodness, hahahaha, this just made my day --

and it's only 1.00PM

(FYI if you're clueless, these are BTS LINE cartoon characters created by the boys -- together with real artists of course -- and then these characters themselves have hilarious stories and antics; and obviously I've  already got them on my phone; and here, they attempt to do human-BTS's Go Go dance. Ohmygoddd, I'm short of squealing at the cuteness and hilarity of it all.)

I've just taken stock of my blog post counter for this year, and I realise this year's posts is the highest in 4 years! I've always wondered: what it is that brings me back here more often. Partly if I'm super excited and I'm fangirling -- so I suppose being down the rabbit hole of BTS fandom is part of the reason haha. But I've also always thought that when I struggle, I blog more. Because writing is my release.

We all know this, it's nothing really new;

and yet, reminders are necessary!

I like how she summarised the pillars of a meaningful life:
(i) belonging -- being acknowledged and loved for who you are, and not simply what you do or believe
(ii) purpose -- essentially boils down to serving others
(iii) transcendence -- can be art, can be religion; you forget who you are and transcend
(iv) storytelling -- telling your story in a good way that transforms you (and this affirms yet again, the power of stories)

Well, this is timely! In light of our recent book.

But then, when is the topic of love untimely...

I can't believe Oxford Union debated about this;

true love doesn't exist now?

But I guess in a secular world, it's a matter of course.

You deny God, you deny true love...

goodness, what's next.

---

You know how you get stuck with a problem

and you muddle over it, for days and days and days,

and you pray it goes away, or you pray for a solution;

and the idea of a solution is usually something you wish would come nicely gift-wrapped;

but then!

when a solution hits you; or as it is often in my case, 

when a solution starts to peep at you from a distance and slowly comes closer

until it's glaring you in the face and you can't ignore it any longer,

you realise, damn it; it's not something you want to do!

grrr.

these are the kinds of moments I'm scared of myself,

because once it's there I can't shut up and ignore it.

and there's no telling what I'd end up doing.

evolving

I had a good weekend; equal parts inspired and pained. C'est la vie, I suppose? I would think that at this age I would get that life is not quite about being happy, but more about embracing the breadth and depth that is the lived experience -- but it's still easier said than done, and it needs to be reminded.

Attended a wonderful event called Kindling Inclusion, where the project team shared their stories about setting up Singapore's first inclusive preschool, Kindle Garden. It's pockets of idealism like this that make this world wonderful to me. Basically, this little Totto-chan-like school has children with added needs (i.e. Down's syndrome kids, ASD kids etc) go along hand-in-hand with all other kids, with no differentiation in treatment or school curriculum experience. And the result is inspiring, and moves me to tears, no joke; this is how human beings should be to each other:

There was a panel discussion after that 

and the people in the crowd that day were just so awesome 

-- I have no words, just seven (+infinite more) purple hearts. 

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜 

And then I had book club which is super super super lovely these days,
and we are picking up momentum with the reading and our last discussion was about love:
that always talked about but still least understood of things.

Gustav Sonata was a nice, comfortable, and subtly beautiful read:

One evening, Adriana said, "Anton was very lucky that he found you on the first day of kindergarten. You've shown him such loyalty, Gustav, and I don't know whether he has ever really paid you back."

"Paid me back?" said Gustav. "Well I don't think of it in those terms. I love Anton. I have always loved him and that's just how it is."



Does wanting to be loved in return prevents one from being truly loving?

Yes, it seems.

But one is only human, and as E often laments -- we're often not evolved enough to take these difficult things on. But maybe we need to aspire to it at least. Or maybe that's the whole point. You don't evolve unless there's something to adapt to.

I really appreciate my new work life, the independence that it affords me. There are days I actually work entirely from home. I marvel at how I've sort of attained what I wanted in such a short time span, Alhamdulillah.

I realise though, I am reverting to my uni days lifestyle, where I sometimes sit in front of my computer or with my books, being distracted by everything else in the world but the work that I need to complete. Even right now, when I should be churning out my reports, I have decided I need to blog. (How is it that blogging has become a need for me. What an excuse, S.)

I have yet to succeed in overcoming my lack of discipline; or as Gustav in my most recent book-club-read The Gustav Sonata said, I have yet to master myself. On the topic of self-discipline, I am also often reminded of Nikola Tesla, whose account of his concerted efforts at self-discipline resulted in amazement at how, ironically, it led to him eventually being able to do what he truly wanted to do. Self-discipline is the key to achieving one's potential, but how do I become disciplined and not kill all my natural curiosity and whimsy? I cannot say that I actually regret my time reading random things or watching random things because I can add to my experience of knowledge and culture; some of the most amazing things I've learnt have been discovered in this serendipitous manner.

*claws* I actually do think that the nafs/appetitive self should be treated more or less like a child. If you keep indulging it, it gets spoiled. I've long taken to picturing my inner monologue as such (for my own self-amusement mostly, haha): 4 entities in my brain, with Aql or The Brain being the bossy one; The Heart being the needy, weepy, emotional one that annoys the hell out of Aql (the relationship between my heart and brain are nowhere as chummy as Awkward Yeti's; my Brain is really mean to my Heart -- I obviously have issues); a Spiritual entity I call my Ruh who is wise and says all these platitudes but is largely ineffectual and hence garners the contempt of Aql; and my Nafs which is a child-monster who doesn't speak but wreaks havoc (like a Hulk-monster thing) when Ruh forgets to put him on a leash. There have been many instances when Aql has tried to persuade Ruh that we should just throw Heart off a cliff or something because she is essentially a nuisance and a hindrance to all sorts of progress, but then Ruh will try to calm Aql down and convince Aql that there's something special about Heart we don't understand so we have to keep her. Ahahhh obviously this is some weird version of Inside Out the movie.


how did I get to all that when all I thought I wanted to do was share this excerpt from Oliver Sacks last essays before he passed on, Gratitude:

I have been increasingly conscious, for the last ten years or so, of deaths among my contemporaries. My generation is on the way out, and each death I have felt as an abruption, a tearing away of part of myself. There will be no one like us when we are gone, but then there is no one like anyone else, ever. When people die, they cannot be replaced. They leave holes that cannot be filled, for it is fate - the genetic and neutral fate - of every human being to be a unique individual, to find his own path, to live his own life, to die his own death.

My predominant feeling is one of gratitude, I have loved and been loved, I have been given much and I have given something in return. Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure.

This is amazing -- except that I now realise how much of an atheist he is, because he had to put in there: the genetic and neutral fate, as though there was never any possibility ever that one's fate is in the hands of anything else. Which I find strange because the concept of fate... it'd be interesting to discuss fate with someone who has no notion or faith of anything supernatural, much less divine. And to have such gratitude as well; to whom would you be grateful then, if not God?

this song is one of my absolute faves at the moment!

I seriously feel like bopping every time I hear this.

it's just such a happy, bouncy, frivolous one;

and also, I have dimples! (okay, I have one) hehe.

Those dimples are illegal, illeeeeeegirl.

(Oh, the almost-unbearable puns!

Fandom joke is that Jin probably came up with it, haha.)

siddiq + wafa' (honouring one's promises) = ikhlas

amanah + nakhwah (ghairah for injustices) = harees

haya' (modesty) + shahamah (compassion) = rauf

shaja' (courage) + kareem (generosity) = rahmah (mercy)



I've said before, and it bears repeating: spiritual recharge is a happy pill. 😌

Been feeling down but then reminders about God and the big picture give great perspective; Alhamdulillah! Sustaining this state is the difficult thing eh. Tonight we laughed over how we metaphorised mindfulness to a switch inside us; sometimes we get heedless and deviate from clarity, cause our switches are off and our brains and hearts are not in the right place -- and so we have to flick our switches back on.

This mindfulness is key, eh. God, help me keep my switch on.

hilm = the ability to not let your buttons get pushed


*zen* God, help me be a better person.

Now be silent.
Let the One who creates the words speak.
He made the door.
He made the lock.
He also made the key.

- Rumi

I typically have phases when I feel like I really, really, really, really, really, just want to be alone,
and escape to a mountain somewhere, away from other human beings.

But then thankfully E manages to make me feel less like an alien, 

(cause maybe she's a fellow alien, hoho)

and I have a good laugh instead.

Hmmm

I'm listening to something now, and I am reminded: heaven is surrounded with difficult things while hell is surrounded by attractive things.

😔  ganbatte, let's work hard and endure!

spoilers! for Peaky Blinders Season 3



I don't know that it's right; it probably isn't -- but what I end up doing when pain, existential pain, heartaches, beset me, is to eventually return to stories; and I typically feel at least a little restored. I am well-aware I should probably do a page of the Qura'an perhaps, do some zikr or remembrance of God; and at some instances, I think I unconsciously do. But it is through stories and then when I write here in reflection of those stories, that I feel nicely-purged of whatever emotional poison I feel sits somewhere in my chest.

It is stories that show us that our pains are not unique, that life gets to the best of people -- in fact, the worst of life gets to the best of people, it appears at times. That great character builds with pain and difficult crossroads, and that though some or most of these characters are fiction, it's perhaps not impossible that you could aspire to some similar level of greatness, that maybe you don't have to be hopeless, that the minute level of pain you encounter in life can be overcome so that you can be someone worthy of your own love and admiration.

The older I get, the more I've come to appreciate art in its varied forms; yes, still as entertainment, but more, as an expression of all of life's subtle or not-so-subtle difficulties and accompanying beauty.


I'm not sure how I segued into that, but I was appreciating this wonderful actor, who is making me keep watching Peaky Blinders although the Season 3 plot has lost its pull on me a little. Not to mention that an important character dies, and an-already-damaged Tommy Shelby does not need that lah, come on... haha. Can't we have some fairytale in fiction, please. I mean, seriously, if Philippa had died, can you imagine what would have happened to Lymond? I don't even want to imagine the pain he would feel, on top of the fact that he would probably blame himself for it.

But to get back: kudos to Cillian Murphy who plays Tommy Shelby so plausibly and convincingly, 

I am still buying him as my damaged hero/protagonist. True artists are to be appreciated.

Isn't it the truth that actually,
one person makes all the difference to your world?

and you realise they were put there for you.
I am grateful to You.

Back in SG and missing Nihon and the company a whole lot 💜💜💜

I'm sitting at Burger Up at the moment, whiling some time before my next therapy session -- I should probably use this time productively -- but I can't yet; withdrawal symptoms and all. I'm still in holiday mood and cannot bring myself to trudge through work.

Instead, I'm reorganizing my photos for FB -- stupid album function that makes ordering the photos a nightmare; all the photos are messed up right now so I can't tell our story in any proper chronological manner, and that's important to me. So now, I'm painstakingly numbering the photos in my computer folder to see if it helps and I'll reupload it all later.

Stories are important! Stories give context, and meaning, and depth and attachment to pictures. Even the prettiest pictures mean less without the proper context.

For instance, this here, is one of my favourites, 

because we were chilling after lunch

along Lake Kawaguchi. 

We had all the time till our bus ride at 7+pm 

and we sat down telling ghost stories.

Time flew by until it got dark 

and we had to trek back to Kawaguchiko station.

There was friction here and there among us throughout the trip

(mainly between my stubborn brother and my equally-stubborn self)

but most of the time, we cracked each other up a lot of the time

and I had such an enjoyable getaway.

The unbelievably lame jokes from A and S every other hour;

the laughing over our cluelessness;

our Taboo and Heads-Up games while queueing for rides or at night in our ryokan;

the playing and cheering each other on at arcades,

screaming whenever one of the boys managed to win a plushy.

I felt like we were all still young kids like we were years and years ago,

traveling together.

Our long-awaited cousin trip to Japan starts this evening!
I'm finally starting to feel the excitement creep in
cause I finally got done with admin work.

yayyyys, Japan, how I have missed you!

here are some cute Japan-related drawings 

from Florence Chavouet's graphic books 

(I totally adore them!)

yes, life doesn't have to be so hard, S, if you just let God, right.

ittekimasu, guys, I'm going to disappear for a while (:

Cute moment from today!:

I was doing a formal speech assessment with one of my little girls,
and as is typical, we have picture stimuli to elicit words from our kids.


Me: The boy gave the girl some flowers, what should she say?

Kid: I love you

I burst out laughing.

Me: No, no, no, before that, before that! 

Kid: Hehehehe


She had no clue 😆  -- the kid has bad speech and language delay, seriously, I'm appalled; how you gonna go Primary 1 in a few months, girl! But she's got romance down pat.

I've become the quintessential RG girl stereotype.

That's what I've been thinking and realising lately. This is significant because I'd never considered myself one. I'd always thought growing up that I didn't quite fit in; I don't think I generally spoke my mind like some of my more opinionated peers, nor did I feel I was a particularly driven sort of person. (Although well, what was more Rafflesian than a do or die attitude, a ruthlessness almost; and I felt that pervaded the entire school population, more or less.)

But lately, as a fully-grown adult, I've realised how much more I've needed to hold my tongue and bite back a remark -- which is a complete 180-turn from my adolescent and younger days, when I distinctly recall having stuff to say but feeling irrationally nervous about saying it out loud. Maybe it's all about maturity and aging, when you learn to care less and less about what others might think of you and more concerned about the matter at hand. Whatever it is, these days I actually have to tell myself: shut up and listen first. Because I'm actually afraid of how brazen and bossy I've become, I think, and I'm aware people generally don't like being preached to. It's really hard sometimes though! I can't stand illogicalities; I have thoughts and I need to say them!

Looking back, I'm thinking maybe I've sort of always been like this, but perhaps it was more latent or dormant. And now it's a loud, raging monster. My siblings would attest to how bossy I was growing up, for instance. Haha, I remember how we used to play together in the early days of video and computer games: my brother would control the buttons, I'd tell him what to do, and my sister would watch and cheer us on. I remember one of my SLP coursemates, A, also calling me bossy, during one of our case study discussions, hahaaaah. He said it kindly too and I was like Whaaaaat, reallly, I don't mean to.... but we were all really good friends anyway; and I'm thinking I'm free to be my bossy self around people I'm comfortable with. But as I grow older, I'm sometimes getting bossy even in unfamiliar spaces and with unfamiliar people, meh.

Ah wells, good or not -- I'm tempering myself, because moderation in all things eh, and words are best when deliberated and well-thought out anyway.

I'm not fully caught up yet with all Peaky Blinders seasons,

but I'm loving this show largely because

I'm such a sucker for hero archetypes.

And I also really like their main OST actually;

there's something about the juxtaposition of the somewhat-light music

with the heavy content and violence of the show that gets me:

(mainly Season 1 spoilers only!)

Favourite woobie moment from Thomas Shelby is of course the end bit there:

What song would you like? Happy or sad?

Sad.

But I warn you. It'll break your heart.

Already broken.