Recently purchased Trevor Noah's Born A Crime -- and it's such an entertaining and thought-provoking read:

I learned to use language like my mother did. I would simulcast -- give you the program in your own tongue. I'd get suspicious looks from people just walking down the street. "Where are you from?" they'd ask. I'd reply in whatever language they'd addressed me in, using the same accent they used. There would be a brief moment of confusion, and then the suspicious look would disappear. "Oh okay. I thought you were a stranger. We're good then."

It became a tool that served me my whole life. One day as a young man I was walking down the street, and a group of Zulu guys were walking behind me, closing in on me, and I could hear them talking to one another about how they were going to mug me. "Asibambe le autie yomlungu. Phuma ngapha mina ngizoqhamuka ngemuka kwakhe." "Let's get this white guy. You go to his left, and I'll come up behind him." I didn't know what to do. I couldn't run, so I just spun around real quick and said, "Kodwa bafwethu yingani singavele sibambe umuntu inkunzi? Asenzeni. Mina ngikulindele." "Yo guys, why don't we just mug someone together? I'm ready. Let's do it."

They looked shocked for a moment, and then they started laughing. "Oh, sorry, dude. We thought you were something else. We weren't trying to take anything from you. We were trying to steal from white people. Have a good day, man." They were ready to do me violent harm, until they felt we were part of the same tribe, and then we were cool. That, and so many other smaller incidents in my life made me realise that language, even more than colour, defines who you are to people.

I became a chameleon. My colour didn't change, but I could change your perception of my colour. If you spoke to me in Zulu, I replied to you in Zulu. If you spoke to me in Tswana, I replied to you in Tswana. Maybe I didn't look like you, but if I spoke like you, I was you.

---

This guy is wonderful and one to watch!
I finished his book: essentially profundity delivered with humour.
Which I guess is what true comedians do.

He said something at the end of this interview too, that struck a chord in me:

What would you like legacy to be?

I'm always wary of that question, because I often feel like your legacy may not be one that you have full control over. I have a very simple hope and that is... I hope to leave each situation, and each person that I've met, in a slightly better place than when I met them.

yes yes yes. I'd been thinking about this lately.

That we all have stories in our heads, the stories we want to live out in our lives, and a lot of the decisions we make in our lives relate to how we want our story to go. But see, God creates your plot twists, and puts you as the protagonist in settings you often had little choice about. Your job is to trust that God will write you your best story anyway; your job is not to avoid or create or manipulate the plot twists, but to live out life as the best type of protagonist you can be. That's virtually the only part you really have any control over.

obviously I am loving this show

Ji Dwi, my heart bleeds for you. 💔

I rarely love the secondary male protagonist in a drama this much, but I officially love him now more than Sun Woo, I think. People are saying the character developments in this show are terrible, and they're not entirely wrong, but they're not entirely right either! Because Ji Dwi, although it's slow, we see him learning and trying and figuring things out.

This episode really broke him down (and broke me down ahahah) -- he can't win anywhere. He can't seem to live up to his own standard of king or even be king, he can't get the girl he loves (who quite openly shows she doesn't love him back), his mum is the perennial selfish bitch; he as much confessed to Sun Woo defeatedly  -- you want to kill the King, just kill him. Which sort of left Sun Woo stunned, and yes, we can all tell Sun Woo loves Ji Dwi, doesn't he! 😌  Sun Woo is also only now trying to grasp the full breadth of the politics that is happening around him, and that culpability isn't as straightforward as he thought it was, good and evil is not black and white.

So this scene with the Master was really wonderful -- because while the Master himself started out wanting to reprimand Ji Dwi, the Master quickly realised that he didn't really have to. Here was a young man who was self-aware, who had humility and courage to see his own shortcomings, and who had his heart in the right place. And the Master realises he was right to have faith in this King (it's so cute, haha you can see how happy the Master is, smiling proudly while Ji Dwi is in tears). It's meant to make the viewers consider, despite Sun Woo out-shining Ji Dwi during the confrontations with the Baekje enemy, that hey! Ji Dwi is equally king material, people! Don't you guys forget!

Ji Dwi beat himself up so much because he wasn't bold or fearless or brazen like Sun Woo, but that's because they're fundamentally different personalities (which is why the dynamic between them is interesting anyway). Ji Dwi is more thoughtful and quiet and calculative, and just because he doesn't act as quickly doesn't mean he sits on his ass and does nothing! He's just careful and not rash. People are forgetting: the fact that he is even a Hwarang at all is because he chose to defy his Mother! He knows things are not right and he wants to right them, but he wants to do it in small non-disruptive ways; he wants to be a proper king. Just because he doesn't go in guns (or in this case, swords) blazing, doesn't mean he endorses the status quo.

Dear big mouse,
Do not eat my barley.
I took care of you for a long time,
but you do not care for me.
I will leave you for certain,
to a better land.
To a happy land,
I will find righteousness there.


You are a huge mouse. A huge mouse who could not tell the enemy's Crown Prince that he is the King.

You're right. I'm not qualified to become king. Being afraid and hiding in case someone would catch me and recognize me was not enough. When the enemy's Crown Prince asked who the King was, I could not step forward. I am just a coward. A coward who is always ready to hide and cover his face.

I do not know if my words would help, but there are many cowardly kings in this world. However, not many kings would admit it to themselves that they are cowardly, because stating that they are cowardly takes courage.

Do you think I could really take the throne?

Your Majesty. Endure it. Whatever it may be. Whether it is a high place or low, dirty or beautiful, and dangerous or safe... If it is something you must do as the King, please endure it all. That is my answer.


This show is generating such diverse opinions; and I know it has multiple problems with its execution. But for me, the political play about who is king is the one thing done right here, and they've got two convincing actors pitted against each other -- I am on board. This is exciting. I love them both. The rest of the drama isn't so bad that it puts me off: I tolerate Ah Ro/Sun Woo, and I actually find Ban Ryu/Soo Yeon adorable; the Soo Ho/Ban Ryu bromance has potential but is poorly developed, so is Yoo Weol/Han Sung. And eh, bonus -- I still get to see pretty V proving himself fairly decent in his first acting role. ✌

This drama was pitched as a reverse-harem flower-boy drama littered with pretty idols
-- and truth be told, the reason I was mainly compelled to watch this
was on account of my dear V from BTS making his acting debut.

The drama did live up to its promise of delivering fan-service in bucketloads
with all the bromance, and horsing around, and comedy.



But ohmygoodness, all that masked a seriously first-class political plot, which as I think on it, is quite unfair. ): This drama has such a bad rep because of how it was advertised, and I don't think it's being taken seriously. But it should be! The writing isn't bad! The political gambits keep me at the edge of my seat.

I about died from tension this latest episode. The production team made a great choice at least to let more veteran actors Park Seo Joon and Park Hyung Sik take the lead roles, and my gosh, they are superb. Park Seo Joon especially is amazing -- I actually think his acting calibre is probably what's raising my esteem of this show.

(Unfortunately, the romance on the other hand is so lacklustre
I couldn't care less who Ah Ro ends up with.)

But here's BTS V's and Jin's part of the soundtrack,

which is awesome (and I'm probably biased but who cares)

Finally got to start on my personal KonMari project today,
having taken substantial time away from work.

And my gosh, this is like a war, and today was just the first of many battles. I am exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. And this will likely go on for months, if not the rest of the year. Because KonMari-ing is not just about tidying up; it's about a lifestyle change. It's about living well, materially, and hopefully that will have good effects internally and in other unforeseen ways.

I was right to make this the one and only goal for my entire year.
Insya Allah, success in this will spill over into other little goals as bonuses.


Most people realise that clutter is caused by too much stuff. But why do we have too much stuff? Usually it is because we do not accurately grasp how much we actually own. And we fail to grasp how much we own because our storage methods are too complex. The ability to avoid excess stock depends on the ability to simplify storage.

...

When you treat your belongings well, they will always respond in kind. For this reason, I take time to ask myself occasionally whether the storage space I've set aside for them will make them happy. Storage, after all, is the sacred act of choosing a home for my belongings.

-- The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying, by Marie Kondo

To a future of being a better steward to my possessions. 

It's part of showing gratitude right.

Nabi s.a.w. would approve surely, insya Allah.

Speaking of which, hehe, a segue: tonight we had our typical mini family squabble / argument / conversation -- and my dad was going into his whatever-men-are-not-supposed-to-do-that mode and annoying my sister to frak because apparently he never did share the load of baby-care-giving when we were babies. 

But a simple interjection of, "What would Nabi do?" was enough, because you know he s.a.w. would totally be on board with helping out his wife (i.e. Sayidatina Khadijah with whom he had all his kids, I think...) with his babies. 

To which my dad's response was only, "Yeah well, that's Nabi..."

The argument is won though. And my dad did say nothing more. 

I was so internally delighted at having realised this formula -- anytime a man (or anyone, really) gets insufferable, just remind them, what would Nabi do? And the problem would be settled. Because who better to show us the way than the best man to ever walk the earth.

Ya Rasulullah, I love you so much, 

my heart feels full to bursting at times in awe of you.

You truly are a gift to all womankind, and to all humanity.

"The stars mean different things to different people. For some they are nothing more than twinkling lights in the sky. For travellers they are guides. For scholars they are food for thought. For my businessman they are wealth. But for everyone the stars are silent. Except from now on just for you..."

"What do you mean?"

"When you look up at the sky at night, since I shall be living on one of them and laughing on one of them, for you it will be as if all the stars were laughing. You and only you will have the stars that can laugh!"

And as he said it he laughed.

"And when you are comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be happy to have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And from time to time you will open your window, just for the pleasure of it... And your friends will be astonished to see you laughing whilst gazing at the sky. And so you will say to them, 'Yes, stars always make me laugh.' And they will think you are crazy. I shall have played a very naughty trick on you..."

And once again he laughed. 

"It will be as if I had given you, instead of stars, a lot of little bells that can laugh..."

-- The Little Prince, Antoine De Saint-Exupery

I had a quick re-read of this. It's so lovely -- and here I am thinking, wait a minute, is A Little Prince partly a love story? He travels around to so many other planets, meeting strange grown-ups, only to finally learn that his rose is his rose because he made it his rose. We put meaning where we wish it. We see God if we want to see God. We see nothing if we are adamant that there is nothing.

Like the fox said,

"Now here is my secret. 
It is very simple. 

It is only with one's heart that one can see clearly. 
What is essential is invisible to the eye."

I should go see this animated movie too.

pork, dogs, and plates

There's a reason for this title.

* I'd met up with Datin S and F recently for dinner -- yay mini reunion! (I love my class so much) -- and we were having an insane, long, and funny chat about speechie life and everything else under the sun/moon. Then F completely surprised me by saying how she remembers interesting things about Islam from me, that she never hears from other people. And that she remembered to the detail what I'd said about how haram pork was different from haram dog, and all of that in relation to plates, and when one needed to clean them -- HAHA which I don't recall at all. F was so earnest and cute about it, and all of that made me think about a Lymond quote of all things (oh my weird brain) -- about how our words can have an unforeseen impact on the passing stranger. That's why words are important, aren't they?

We laughed so hard about how F knew all this things I don't remember telling her (and I told her more awesome stuff about the Prophet s.a.w. that she said, yar, she never knew or heard about!).




* I am going to miss my social skills kids so much. Seriously.

I was having a blah day yesterday, then the day turned for the better when we had social skills group sessions that had my fellow therapists and I alternately burst into bouts of laughter.

ohmygooood they are so funny and cute and clueless and I love them for all their weirdness.

We had newly-Primary 1 boy A ramble on in fragmented phrases about what he did for recess, when I asked, "So do you eat at the canteen?" He went, "Yes! No. NO! Lunch box. I eat lunch box. Noodles. Noodles and panir. It's... it's indian. Indian cottage cheese!" 

And then his cute Primary 2 partner asked, having thoroughly misheard but from his tone obviously thinking this was actually legit food, "A, do you eat noodles and pony?"

At which J and I both cracked up so hard.

Ohhhh, I still want to laugh thinking about it -- and all said in their cute, earnest voices that I am sorry I cannot reenact.


* I am loving these Bangtan boys too much, and Buzzfeed is not helping at all.


*2017 you're starting out with scary but hopefully good changes, insya Allah. ☀

I've been feeling inspired in recent times.

Alhamdulillah! It feels like a while since I've felt this surge.
Ya Allah, please give me opportunities to always be an instrument of good for Your Pleasure.


Rasulullah s.a.w. said, "The Quran is Allah's banquet."

The Quran is the 'banquet' from which we feast until our inner beings overflow with its meanings and blessings, and then become apparent through our character.

-- Educating Children: Classical Advice for Modern Times

Riyadatul Sibyan, Imam Muhammad bin Ahmed al-Ramli

Translation and Commentary by Abdul Aziz Ahmed

this post is going to be a patchwork of random things that have been gracing my mind and my screens recently.


* The more I listen to this, the more convinced I am that Big Bang could't have ended 2016 with a more perfect song. The word is that this might be Big Bang's last song ever because TOP is going into military service this year and then each one of them will soon follow him, and the next time we would possibly have all of Big Bang together again is in 5-6 years at the very least. They (and I!) would all be in their mid-30s then and who knows if they'd still want to come back!

Last Dance is so apt,
and is supposedly a song about their farewell.
Gosh, TOP, don't cry.

Like I said, I don't need sadder things on my plate, thank you.



* I am loving this (meme-thing I stole from tumblr):

Yoongi: How does one turn off their emotions? 

Namjoon: Okay, first go to settings. 

Namjoon: Wait! I'm an idiot! I thought you said emojis...

Yoongi: No, I'm still willing to try this, go ahead, I'm at settings, what do I do next?

haaaahaha. goodness, yes, Yoongi, tell me if you figure it out.


* I finished Daniel J. Siegel's Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation (the first book completed in 2017!).

I was introduced to this book when I was attending Maude Le Roux's workshop in November, about how she runs her Floortime/Autism clinic in the US, and she had used Daniel Siegel's hand-brain model to show us how autistic kids probably lacked the middle prefrontal cortex. She was referencing the book, and I followed my impulses very badly: I looked it up immediately, and bought it on the spot. In this case, good impulse. (I love it when my impulse proves true.)

I'm already holding back on my praise, but this is in the running for my favourite-ever non-fiction secular book. I'm still so in thrall with it. I cannot emphasise enough how amazing it is. I actually think it should be compulsory reading for all human beings who wish to better themselves as human beings. I mean, books like this are usually religious books, and Shaykh Hamza's translation of the Purification of the Heart comes to mind now. This book inspires me in almost the same way, guh.

Dr Daniel Siegel explains what interpersonal neuroscience is, and tries to link the mind to our actual biological brain, and it is breathtakingly insightful. The stuff that we all know about and grapple with all our lives, like anger, hurt, confusion, pain, memory, dreams, and where they all come from or how we deal with them -- explained so simply with respect to our brain anatomy and physiology, and what we can do to get better and better at it i.e. developing our middle prefrontal cortex, which appears to be the seat of the essence of man. I feel so inadequate in trying to explain it; I've actually exported 20 pages worth of quotes from my Kindle just on this book alone.

As I look through them, here are some good stuff:

Response flexibility harnesses the power of the middle prefrontal region to put a temporal space between input and action. This ability to pause before responding is an important part of emotional and social intelligence. It enables us to become fully aware of what is happening—and to restrain our impulses long enough to consider various options for response.

I don't know if I have too much or too little -- or basically I'm inconsistent -- with this response flexibility. It's called hilm in Arabic, I think; it's like a mixture of forbearance and patience, that enables you to act with intelligence, instead of being purely and primitively reactive to stimuli.

And here's one of the best descriptions of intuition I've come across:

...intuition can be seen as how the middle prefrontal cortex gives us access to the wisdom of the body.

I need more of this, obviously:

With discernment we can see that a thought or feeling is just mental activity, not absolute reality.

I might end up pasting a gazillion lines from this book. Here's one more...

.... the essence of reflection, which is central to mindsight, is that we remain open, observant, and objective about what’s going on both inside us and inside others.

I'm glad that I've always been a pretty reflective individual; though it has its downsides definitely, because apparently, reflection is somewhat the opposite of flow -- and this explains very well why I know I will not perform well at something the more 'aware' I am of it. Like sports and performance and a lot of skill-type activity -- the more you think on it, the worse you'll be at it. It really explains a lot about how my work training goes as well actually: because I'm an extremely reflective person, even in the learning moment, sometimes I'm reflecting -- cause that's how I learn -- so then I know I appear really slow and blur because my brain is God-knows-where. And people wonder why I take forever to get a skill. Gosh, I'm reminded of my colleague WZ always telling me, "Don't think, just do." Don't think?!

Eventually, I like to think though that when I get it, I get it. Like now, I love getting into the flow of assessing my new speech language cases: it comes naturally, without effort, because somehow I've integrated it into my system, and I basically wait for myself to get a feel for what's wrong with a child. That's how I think. Not by systematic lists, but like feeling something's missing or off or not quite right. Or actually, kiddo, you're fine; your parents are the ones who need to cut you some slack.


last one, a quote too awesome not to share:

“The brain is so complicated it staggers its own imagination.”

* In relation to the above, a wonderful line from Sherlock in recent times:

“Intuitions are not to be ignored, John. They represent data processed too fast for the conscious mind to comprehend.” - Sherlock Holmes (BBC Sherlock) 


*

It's not a pleasant thought, John, 
but I have this terrible feeling from time to time 
that we might all just be human.

Even you?

No. Even you.

-- Sherlock, Season 4




The plot isn't doing very well still, but when I love my characters,
there never is a going back.

Yes, it's okay that we mess up in life. It's okay!
Because we're all human (yes, even you, Sherlock, and funnily Mycroft too),
and we're all always learning till the day we die.

THIS!

I was trying to recall this quote about friendship. A repost from 2012.


Friendship requires that rare mean betwixt likeness and unlikeness that piques each with the presence of power and of consent in the other party. Let me alone to the end of the world, rather than that my friend should overstep, by a word or a look, his real sympathy. I am equally balked by antagonism and by compliance. Let him not cease an instant to be himself. The only joy I have in his being mine, is that the not mine is mine. I hate, where I looked for a manly furtherance, or at least a manly resistance, to find a mush of concession. Better be a nettle in the side of your friend than his echo. The condition which high friendship demands is ability to do without it. That high office requires great and sublime parts. There must be very two, before there can be very one. Let it be an alliance of two large, formidable natures, mutually beheld, mutually feared, before yet they recognize the deep identity which, beneath these disparities, unites them.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

All things considered, today was a great first work day of 2017.


*First pleasant surprise: an unexpected job promotion! although it should very well be expected, considering the number of years and the fact that my bond is up in a few days and they likely don't want me to run away. But you know, I've been so busy just surviving hospital life, and then planning this major change in March, that it never crossed my mind. And more money does always feel good no matter how immune you think you are.

*And then, I had so few patients! After the crazy deluge the last week of 2016 (back-to-back patients for almost 3-days-straight that virtually killed me), it was a nice breather.

*And then, because I was being in a no-mood-to-socialise-depressed-self, I told one of my friends that I was going to hole myself up in my room at lunchtime (it's nice how we all understand each others' space and needs and how people know S is a super-introvert and she needs downtime by herself, leave her alone); but after a moment, F returned and said, "Can I just sit here and lunch with you?" And we were going to happily lunch in relative quietness when another of our friends popped in her head and was like, "Heeeeeyyyyy, why are you two lunching here..... I want to join!" And the three of us had a nice cosy lunch instead of my planned depressed lonesome lunch, and I realised, and it was verbalised, that ohmygoodness, I am going to miss these people. Very very much. I think I might cry if they go through with the farewell thing which isn't supposed to be a farewell actualllyyyy...

This always seems to happen to me -- I say the place is crap, or there are so many greener pastures elsewhere -- but when it comes down to it, I realise I've grown so attached to a place, and I get nervous about leaving, and I think, Do I really want to leave? 

Goodness. In my past Roman life, I must have been a plebeian. So easily swayed.

*Then dinner was with E. And though we shockingly discovered, Hei Sushi in Bedok is no more (oh no, whatever shall we do for sushi fixes nowwwww; Pasir Ris is so not convenient...), dinner was still good. And we had our usual super long chat.

And I realise that, while E and I are different on the Feeling vs Thinking front (she's all logical, I'm all feely), I often underestimate her ability to comprehend my feelings or falsely think that she would call out on the ridiculousness of my feelings. Because at the end of the day, we perceive the world so similarly. She actually gets why I do the supposed crazy things I do; and it's so satisfying to have someone truly understand why you did something, although she will still headdesk at you HAHA. It's like how I maybe understand her need to conceptualise or understand everything on this earth, but I will want to headdesk at her.

And on nights like this, we bitch about SJs, albeit with an awareness of our inherent bias. SJs, and S people in general -- eeeesh: Some days, we wish we were more like you because you seem to live with less abstract pain.

Then this song accompanied my walk home... (:

Happy 2017!

I said I'd put a photo-montage to wrap up 2016 so I shall, although it's late,

cause my family was playing board games all night.

And this shall not be completely depressing.

Unfortunately, the photos I've compiled are more of the second half of this year, 

because the first half seems like eons ago now.

I can barely remember what happened except that I got to see Scotland again.

L and I at Roys et Vouz, Telok Ayer Street, 

to celebrate completion of SPOT training (:

A trip to Batam with old friends (and yes, it is with horror that I am realising 

my uni friends are considered old friends now), masquerading as a hen night thing for K.

It was a funny, cosy night that involved doing silly worksheets (I kid you not) about weddings/marriages -- just so we fulfilled the hen night portion of it haha. 

We played The Game of Life, and had heartfelt sharings about what marriage was.

 

Then the next day we met Royqah 

who is such a pleasant little girl!

This is even older friends,

finally meeting up again.

We meet so rarely, it's almost a given that presents are necessary.

TOTORO.

And behaving like we're kids still.

(I still insist that it is a sheep.)

More meet-ups with old friends -- and my gosh,

this was a hilarious night. We were literally a stone's throw from the mosque

and we ended up in a bar (somewhat; my dad would kill me if he knew) because the cafe was closed;

we would have adjourned except that my also-Muslimah friend was like, "It's okay one! This place is small and cafe-like and chill and we can order non-alcoholic stuff in the same way. Just tell them what you feel like having." So apparently one is supposed to order in the form of adjectives like, "I want something happy." or "Surprise me." and then you'd get your drink. So we were being so suaku and noisy and when we finally decided on our adjectives and called the waitress over to order pseudo-alcoholic drinks, the azan (i.e. the Islamic call to prayer) blared, and I was like, NO NOT NOW! 

Because ohmygod, although we technically were ordering halal drinks -- just, it felt sinful enough;

we laughed so hard because ohmygoodness what were we doing!

So we waited for the azan to finish and then ordered.

And honestly, all this was, was an extra limey yuzu soda thingum.

and very pretty.

A brand new fandom. I adore BTS now, 

and look at how fun and crazy this fandom is!

I can't believe I actually get these memes.

they're so nutso and fun and talented and entertaining.

this is my favourite -- so funny:

this is here because it reminds me of the most memorable Book Club read this year

i.e. The Element by Sir Ken Robinson

We talked a lot about passions, truths, and education;

which led to some drama but ohwells, 

I have been thinking that maybe drama is life, life is drama;

and that if you don't shake up your life enough,

it means you're not living passionately, maybe.

Visiting Datin S in Seremban! So memorable.

And when I was there, I really felt... 

not so much old, but mature, adult. Independent.

Maybe it's the taking a plane by myself, 

or staying with a friend's family by myself,

or being the only Muslim in a world of non-Muslims 

(which is a standard story of my life but--)

and being able to hold my own.

Knowing who I am, what I like, what I'm capable of.

And finding it easier and easier to meet new people

and get along fantastically with them anyway.

Maybe being fully-adult is having a solid core in your self

to rely on

 both my parents are now happily (I hope!) retired

and our hilarious family conversations continue...

(so there was a sudden increase in roaches when the new Tampines Hub 

near our place was finishing its construction work, 

and of course some started creeping into our flats too! the horror...)

Book club meetings with babies now

making discussions not-so-easy. 

M has taken to always leaving her baby with daddy

so we can discuss better.

I adore my friends' babies as I adore them.

and...

Every year, learning this.

It's getting very easy to jump on this bandwagon calling 2016 a terrible year.

As the end draws near, all the negatives have been flooding my mind, and flooding our news feeds. I know it's probably skewed and I do plan to put another not-so-depressing photo-montage post here for my annual wrap-up post for the year; but while I concede there are good things in the year -- like seeing Scotland again! -- I am not genki enough to be writing; I think I'll only have enough energy to put photos.

I can sense myself falling into incoherence.



Examples of increasingly sad things gracing the end of this year:

* this crazy saga about Shaykh Hamza being slandered as a racist. It is ridiculous and enraging. People will just say whatever and good luck to you in the afterlife, I say. When I'd heard that Mehdi Hassan was going to interview Shaykh Hamza at RIS I was so thrilled! and then agonized because uh, one has to like pay ++money to watch it live and even then I wouldn't be free at said timing anyway. But then, the next thing I knew, there were claims that he made racist remarks -- like what?! Subhanallah... This man has no racist bone in his body. People should learn to understand the bigger picture and the overall message conveyed rather than nitpick at isolated comments. Open-mindedness is key. And he apologised and everything! And admitted that it sounded insensitive. And still all the accusations are rife.

I just -- sometimes my heart feels like it's so compressed, it'll just flatline from all the ache.

* the end of Running Man next week. Another unbelievable, shocking saga that led to the abrupt decision to end the most successful Korean variety show ever. The crazy production team, thinking to inject some fresh change to the dynamic of the show, attempted to remove Ji Hyo and Jong Kook from the team, without consulting them or any of the main cast (STUPIDEST MOVE EVER) -- which led to a crazy explosion of fury among fans and cast members alike -- and then the main cast all decided to call it quits together. Which I have to say is awesome. I love them all. It was bad enough when Gary left barely two months ago! I actually cried at the end of his last episode. I think that was an omen of things to come.

Kwang Soo recently won a Top Excellence Award for Variety Show

 and his speech was especially heart-breaking knowing that Running Man, 

which catapulted him into international stardom, was ending.

* my sis had told me about this amazing Malaysian girl and her husband, who were the epitome of a true love story -- she was fighting cancer and they'd married anyway. And this wonderful lady had personally served as such an inspiration for my sister and her own difficulties -- and we'd learnt she passed away just yesterday, on her wedding anniversary, which also happened to be her husband's birthday. I literally cannot stop tearing when I think of her. She was such a beautiful person and I didn't even know her personally.

* and then I personally did something for myself that was seemingly a small move, but is now pushing me to the brink of tears every other moment. I am working hard to hold myself together.




Ya Allah, please please please make the end of next year much happier than this one. For all of us.

Today was a good day --

(i) I officially passed my SPOT fussy eater clinic! whooooooooooo! and essentially, this put the rest of my day into a good mood. And then I only had two kids in the PM -- so documentation was complete before 5PM and I could pray even before the day was done. After that, L and me went out for a cafe dinner we've been planning for weeks -- the pasta was good -- and we had cake to celebrate my passing SPOT and the fact that I will very soon be finishing my bond. Unbelievable that I've been a speechie for four years now.

Yay, Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah for small victories.

(ii) Nutella banana cake was awesome.

(iii) I came home to a wonderful but super belated birthday card that came via snail-mail from S in Australia (I have too many friends whose names start with S). Reminiscing on old times we had in common, and the fact that she still treasures our friendship, warms my heart.

I do believe that a true connection lasts forever, whether or not one keeps in touch.



Dear God, help me see the beauty in the everyday simple and seemingly mundane.

Datin S is back on the sunny island that she so misses
and she wanted to watch La La Land so we did,
and what a great movie choice we made.

This story spoke to my heart.

I felt like it was made for me.

When this song played,

I was streaming tears like a broken pipe.

This movie was beautiful. 

Really really really.

It's one of those things that are to be felt and experienced,

and cannot be fully explained.

Here's to the ones who dream

Foolish as they may seem

Here's to the hearts that ache

Here's to the mess we make

Something small but miraculous happened tonight.



I was sitting with M at our typical gathering, and at the end of it, I told her, just by way of conversation, that we'd bumped into her daughter W earlier that day while we were out shopping. To my surprise (although she so often becomes tearful it shouldn't be too surprising), this quite suddenly brought on a torrent of tears. Apparently, she'd been waiting to hear about her estranged daughter, and had been praying hard all week. It promptly became a crying fest between the two of us as she related though tears how she'd been desperate for any news of W, and that just my telling her that I'd seen W proved that Allah had heard her prayers. "Now I'm happy. Tonight I can sleep."


It's certainly wonderful and inexplicably amazing to have one's prayers answered.

I'm feeling though, that being part of the reason someone else's prayers are answered,
is equally wonderful all on its own. If only to witness how God listens.


Thank You. I've been feeling low and cast-aside -- but this; it feels like I'm forgiven.

I dropped by a mosque this evening to do my prayers,
before I went on for my Arabic class.

And I was hearing snippets of the sermon that was taking place.


My goodness, my ears started burning with anger.
Just -- the way he spoke about women!

I cannot recall word for word what was said obviously (because that is notoriously not how my memory works). But I do remember the general gist of it being good women defined as nice, domesticated, and taking care of their husbands, as if that was the entirety of a woman's existence. Thank you for alienating women like me.

It did not help that earlier that morning on the way to work, I was listening to clips of talks by a speaker I generally respected -- but then he spoke some about marriage, and started saying things like: Unfortunately, if women waited to complete their university degrees and then think about marriage, they can only hope to get second-rate offers from men (i.e. as second wives, or from men who were childless -- like what is that even). Apparently, he believed that it was one or the other -- you choose your degree or you choose marriage. It's very difficult to have both; if you choose degree then you would have missed the age of marriage. He did provide a caveat in that it was not impossible, but it was difficult.



Ya Rasulullah, these men, I don't care how much knowledge they supposedly have. They claim to follow you, but they know so little of how much you champion women. And truly, if I didn't have you, my heart would be in pieces. They forget that the first woman you married was 15 years your senior, and a business woman at that. They forget that of all the women you married, only one was a young virgin. They forget how much you love women.

And if they had any part of the heart you have,
they wouldn't have made one of their own Muslimah
feel so small and unworthy a woman.

Excuse me, this is a fangirling outtake (:


It's a great week to be a fan. I just realised this. Because seriously major things happened in my fandoms --

* apparently it is confirmed that there will be a Lymond television series. This news still intermittently makes me hyperventilate, ohmygoodness, hahaha. I really didn't think this would ever happen. Because while yes, Lymond has a loyal fan-base, we are extremely tiny, extremely, extremely tiny. I swear, there must be like less than 30 persons on tumblr just reblogging each other's stuffs. Sure, we have serious, much older readers who obviously don't do tumblr, but you know -- when there's no strong collective, there's no traction. So I just didn't think any production company would pick it up.

And do you know how obscure Lymond is? (Then again, Mammoth Screens that has signed a deal for Lymond has had a history of adapting good and not necessarily popular classics I think, hmmm.) Even if Lymond gains attention, I think only a fraction of the audience will ever get through the first book! It's so hard to read. I'm trying not to be elitist here, but I can generally tell if you'll be able to get through Lymond or not -- you have to be a serious reader. I have lent it to persons and they haven't been able to get through it and then they fail to understand the awesomeness of it.

The general sentiment of our tiny fandom is extreme excitement coupled with fear -- because how can any television adaptation give justice to this complex and rich story?

* BTS has been winning a pile of awards since the release of Wings in October, and then they won a big Asian Artist of the Year Award just a day or two ago -- and omgosh, I have been a fan only maybe for 6 months, but how much I love them is so unexpected. It's like -- my love for Big Bang and Arashi in the past is only to prepare me for loving BTS now. It's ridiculous. Watch them, I really think they're not done conquering the music scene yet. People are still comparing them to other kpop acts, but I shall venture to say that they are different and will slowly stand on their own, the way Big Bang did. The fervour they are eliciting on a worldwide scale is pretty much unseen before, with respect to a korean musical group.

I have this theory -- and it's why I keep quoting Big Bang and Arashi. Big Bang is super talented, G-Dragon as leader especially is seriously one of a kind (pun intended, haha!), so that guarantees somewhat, that Big Bang will always have that respected spot at the top of the music scene. But Big Bang, does not have the magic of Arashi. There's just something about Arashi: it's really not their music so much as a love and a kinship that they engender in fans that really starts to transcend. People love Arashi together; all five of them bantering and working and performing has kind of an inspirational quality. People love the friendship between them, and the genuine passion and sincerity that shines through, and that is something you cannot really manufacture. This ineffable quality really shouldn't be underestimated -- because it is the reason Arashi is loved so well in Japan (excuse the rest of the world because Japanese media does not market itself well -- and despite that Arashi did enjoy a lot of fan love globally). You have little kiddies who love Arashi as well as 80-year-old grandmas who adore them as well. And of course, everyone else in between. It is phenomenal.

Now, BTS, appears to me to have both of these elements. Maybe not yet grown to the level exemplified by Big Bang or Arashi, but they have it. And the prospect of this potent combination of talent and genuine kinship with fans really truly excites me. We have seriously talented boys in this group -- what with that brain of Rap Monster leading the pack with all that songwriting and composition, and Suga's crazy lyric and rapping skills (I mean, I know close to nothing about rap, but whatever he does is pretty much mesmerising), and J-Hope's unbelievable dancing, and Jung Kook's amazing voice (that almost had him win on another contest all by himself!) -- I won't list each one of them, but they're each very talented in their own unique way. Big Bang has this too -- you could take any one of them out and they could potentially be successful solo acts. It's amazing to put equally talented persons all in one group.

At the same time, ohmygosh, these boys are really boys, and they clearly love each other like brothers. There's a camaraderie, or beyond that really, a deep connection, between all of them that really shines through. People love it. Their production company, deliberately or not, showcases this to fans via their ingenious youtube channel called Bangtan Bombs, and it is gold. It is hitting jackpot. Fans start to really see that dynamic between the members and love them far beyond the music. I see it -- the gifs on tumblr, the adoration of the members in all their goofiness, the nicknaming of the boys as though they're your friends. It's amazing -- and I saw this with Arashi too. A common fan exclamation is, "They make me so happy!"

And that's why I love them so hard.

This song --

while on the bus ride home today,

I realised how beautiful it is.

my heart feels ache-y and hopeful all at once.

it's my song of the moment.

are we all lost stars,

trying to light up the dark...

This is lovely.

Loneliness is simply a price we have to pay

for holding on to a sincere, ambitious view

of what companionship must and could be.

This is from the famous School of Life. I remember coming across a whole corner of The School of Life merchandise at Harrods in London earlier this year, and gushing over everything. The sales attendant was amused.

I just might one day, take off, and go attend random classes around the world.

This is so good.

I really, really am so awed by his amazing attitude.

A lot of us live by societal expectations or by fear, and the rules they impose on us;

he says, think again, question it, is it real.

Anybody who feels crummy, or terrible, or when life sucks --

just watch this and get some inspiration.

This reminds me of another example we read from our book club text, The Element.

In October 1931, a 12-year-old John Wilson had a Bunsen burner accident during a practical lab session at school and was subsequently blinded for life. His parents were understandably distraught. His attitude to life however was nothing short of superb. He swiftly went on to learn Braille, went to an esteemed school for the blind, Worcester College, and excelled as student, rower, swimmer, actor, musician and orator. Then subsequently studied law at Oxford, worked at the National Institute for the Blind, formed the British Empire Society for the Blind (now called Sight Savers International), helped in organizing inoculation of children in Ghana against blindness-causing insect bites, led his organization in conducting millions of cataract operations, dispensed millions of doses of Vitamin A to prevent childhood blindness, and distributed braille study packs to afflicted people throughout Africa and Asia. And he had said, "It did not strike even then (at 12 years old) as a tragedy."



This is one of those moments, you ask yourself, What's your excuse?

Finally watched Oliver Stone's Snowden last night -- 

it was so gripping, despite my having known the story anyway. 

Also, knowing that this is a true story in relatively recent times -- 

makes it that much more exciting.

So cool, really.

!!!

I remember writing once -- and believe me, the epiphanies one can get with writing -- that courage is a muscle. It really is true, isn't it? And this story is another one; the first time you encounter something, it bugs you, but you're afraid because you can't be the only one thinking this or wanting to do this or what if you're wrong. All these just rush through your head, you know? But then as your principles are accosted again and again, and you do that little bit more and little bit more to be brave -- and then you realise, one day, you really are brave enough.

I love that there are such awesome people in the world. Alive today. You know, that they're not all dead and in books.

... the good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination. The destination is that selected by the total organism, when there is psychological freedom to move in any direction.

(Carl) Roger's view was that the good life is not an outcome to be achieved, once and for all, but rather it is a process that we are constantly engaged with and are continually moving towards when we are the authors of our own lives. Rogers described the directions taken by people as they become more fully functioning. These include movement:

• Away from facades
• Away from oughts
• Away from meeting expectations
• Away from pleasing others
• Towards self-direction
• Towards openness to experience
• Towards acceptance of others
• Towards trusting oneself

In these ways we become free to move in a new direction that is most authentic to us.

-- Professor Stephen Joseph, Authentic: How to Be Yourself and Why It Matters

I am in Seremban.

Datin S is making thosai downstairs in the kitchen.

She tells me I should sleep cause it’s holiday, but I just watched Clinton’s concession speech and it made me non-stop cry. I didn’t think I would be so affected but it is a difficult time. The world is a difficult place; but you know what, maybe the world always has been. Sometimes, we just see it clearer, sometimes we forget. We always have a tendency to whitewash the past.

8 years ago fresh into adulthood, I remember E and I chatting away excitedly about Obama, so happy to move on from Bush. And today, this.

Okay, no, I came down and Datin S was just reading, her dad was in the kitchen -- we had appam! Hehe, with coconut milk -- and it was so good. Oh dear, I think I am going to crave this for breakfast back in SG. I feel like I am on an immersion program, Indian-Malaysian version.

So this was in Datin S's room --

(very in character)

We travel not to escape life,

but for life not to escape us.

:)

Will find a time to post again --

this is an entirely chill and laid-back holiday

and it's a ripe time for me to lay out my thoughts again proper.

Sometimes the best posts are made on a whim, on that flash of inspiration, rather than painstakingly thought over, and planned. I have something I've been meaning to post about, but that's for another day. This, this right now is on a whim while I fight sleepiness on a worknight after watching an episode of Scarlet Heart (i.e. the only Korean drama I'm following now; my current kdrama phase seems to be waning -- yes, probably a good thing).

I bumped into S = Shweta on Gchat -- which never happens because I don't even know Gchat is a platform I appear on -- but hey, how wonderful it is to bump into beautiful people I have loved. It makes me think of all the wonderful people I've known in my life and how I don't have the luxury of having all of them with me. My heart aches just a little now. For friends who used to be close but now aren't.

Datin S, you better not be another one of my friends I will lose because of the distance between us. We are only an hour away by plane, okay; it's no excuse.

Isn't it funny who ends up in our lives.





A random thing tonight -- my dad told me he met up with his Arabic teacher and they got to talking about Shaykh Hamza for some reason, and the teacher said, Oh, he's a good friend of mine who comes to visit me at Darul Arqam! And my dad was all like, If he comes again, tell him my daughter wants to meet him.

O.O What is my father doing. Anyway, huh, what do you mean Shaykh Hamza comes to Singapore every so often. Are you kidding me. And uh, I would probably be somewhat awestruck if I ever meet him --

but after that I'll compile a list of questions for him to answer, hehe. Too many times I've come across a situation and felt frustrated about the way people think about things, and then wondered what Shaykh Hamza would have said about it instead. I suppose this is what happens when you really value someone's opinion.


--

Some more randomness from today:

If Harry Potter was anime! hehe this was so funny to share with friends.

E: I thought that Dumbledore would be drawn as a cutesy old person. 

But he was a cutesy kindergartener HAHA.

This was such a nice vlog to watch because ohmygosh, older BTS fans, yesss. 

For a while I was going through a crisis wondering if I was the only overgrown woman loving this boyband -- but no. They are clearly marking themselves as legitimate musical artists that attract people of all ages. And that's the mark of great art, eh -- transcending language, people, ages, and genders (see: Harry Potter as classic example).

Overheard from an upset parent as I passed the hospital waiting area on the way to lunch:

I'm willing to pay more but the system is crazy!

And my poor frontline colleagues were steadily listening in submission. Ahah -- I feel you, my dear clients. Tell me about it. It seems that all my adult life thus far, I've been railing against systems. Systems are a pain -- we're all mired in it; they restrict movement, put rules at every juncture, place inexplicable barriers to our objectives. But I'm learning to understand and accept: zero systems means anarchy -- and we can't have that either, can we? I suppose... it's another one of those things in life we just have to constantly struggle with for that elusive, ideal middle ground.





I've fallen in love with a little boy A at work. Love at first sight is true; people who tell you otherwise simply never experienced it for themselves. The first time I saw him in his caged cot, he already struck me as different -- probably because most kids I have to see are never this responsive, this aware and cognizant, this bright. He watched me as I approached and when I brought down the side of his cot, he went cutely in surprise, "Eh, boleh buka?" From then on, he just sunk his hooks deeper in me. Yes, he isn't great with his language but it's really thanks to the terrible family history of his young life; otherwise though, he just strikes me as being incredibly socially and emotionally aware. And just really independent. Like at some level, he seems to know he's on his own; god knows where mummy and daddy are, and grandma kinda pops by only occasionally out of the blue... I've never seen her for myself. But he's happy enough. Not overtly clingy to any particular person, not crying or fussing; just happily hanging around the ward that has been his home for a while now.

Twice now, after a therapy session, I return "home" with him, and it's the only time he fusses and cries -- not wanting to be put back into his caged cot. Because which human being, much less a healthy four-year-old, would want to be caged up in a little bed. So then I concede that we would sit at the play area for a while as I complete documentation and he looks out the window at the birds and cars.

He reminds me of my favourite fictional kids. He reminds me of Alex from The Boy Who Could See Demons (which woohoo! is our next text for book club hehe). He reminds me of Khaireddin from Lymond. This boy has grown on me, and I half-fantasize adopting him. Heartbreakingly, he's leaving for a step-down hospital all too soon, to wait for foster care. I understand now -- this is why some of my colleagues end up visiting community hospitals in their free time.

because kids like these -- gems.

It takes courage to face up to ourselves, 
humility to accept what we learn about ourselves, 
and discipline to take action.

-- Stephen Joseph, Authentic: How to be yourself and why it matters

God, help me have all three of these (and especially the last, which I'm sorely lacking) 

so that I can keep growing to be a better person.

Had an extremely crummy day --

had this rather timely reminder that it's ok not to be perfect:

God, help me keep living every day brave and hopeful.

ahhhh, crummy day, crummy crummy crummy.
What was it that I heard recently -- when you're sad, you doubt everything.

Some days I feel tired, sad, unreasonable,
and wish I could get a windfall.
Can something awesome just fall into my lap, please.

excuse my whining, but why do so many things have to be so hard.


Watching this video about girls who code makes me nostalgic about my youthful undergraduate years, going crazy about programming. Sitting up literally all night (and pretending to sleep when my grandma woke up in the morning haha) trying to get a code right -- and although I was in pieces and sometimes in tears -- I think there was an exhilaration in the task; I love solving puzzles. Nowadays, I wish I could get into a problem proper to crack it proper instead of having to work like a stupid cog in a stupid machine, and just keep moving, moving, moving, instead of really solving things. The frustration builds slowly day by day... I really hope I don't explode at some point.

this is just immaturity boggling at the sad face of failure.

tomorrow I'll be bright as a bedbug again.

I'm not able to stop yet; these songs sound beautiful --

I'm loving V's Stigma a lot now!

BTS dropped their WINGS album ~24 hours ago. yaysssss.

I didn't want to post, really, but I can't help it;
when you love, you love.
Jin's Awake is my favourite so far.
Although it's a matter of time my ear jumps to another track.

Maybe I, I can never fly,

Like those flower petals there,

Wings, like other things, are impossible.

Maybe I, I can't touch the sky;

But even so, I want to stretch out my hand,

I want to try to run, just a little more.

Despite being a Monday, today was lovely -- partly because above, hehe. Partly because my mummy came home from the hospital today after her knee surgery and is recuperating well yay (: Partly because it's E's birthday -- and she must be having such an awesome time halfway across the globe in some beautiful exotic place. Partly because the work day was superb -- it is rare to have such ample time to settle admin and backlog (and I can't believe I'm happy cause of such a thing, how kental am I). Partly because I love my family and I'm happy that I can reflect on this and be grateful.

Partly because as we spend the few days over the weekend at the hospital (playing insane board games and basically receiving guests every other hour), I realise how things fall nicely in place when one trusts in God. We hear this cliche all the time, but cliches are true, deshou? I see it in little things in every day life, Alhamdulillah.

And I'm telling myself, S, as always, trust God for the big things too.

oomggggg what did I just watch hahaha.....

but riiiight, the more I think on it,

the more awesome I think it is and the more I love it.

The story is set in a dystopian future where being single is literally against the law

and one is given a deadline to find love or be turned into an animal. (HAHA, I know right, whutttt.)

This is one of the weirdest movies I've ever seen

but is actually such excellent commentary on love, relationships, and society;

I'm like,

Yessssssssss, my sentiments exactly.

Happy Muharram 1438! It's the Muslim New Year --

and I think rather than list down all the gazillion resolutions I have, I will focus on one. And hopefully, succeeding in one area, then spills over to other areas of life. (Something I am realising the parallels of as I do more articulation therapy hmmm)

Goal: Physically tidying up my space via the KonMari method.


Yes, I have hoarded yet another book (The Life-changing Magic of Tidying by Marie Kondo) but insya Allah, this hoarding behaviour will end after I successfully implement the KonMari way for myself. My space at home has been significantly better since a year ago when we finally revamped our house and threw out a range of ridiculous and useless possessions; but I think it can be even better. Occasionally, clutter does still accumulate in certain corners of my room, and I know there are things at the corner of my spaces I don't know of or have forgotten they exist. That bugs me now. I don't want to have redundant, poorly utilised spaces. What are those things? Why haven't I used them? Why have they been shoved away? We should only keep with us those things we love; everything else is a distraction -- so KonMari says.

The fact that I can't easily take stock of my possessions makes me forget to do so many of the things I know I want to do. The number of books I have and the related number of things I thought I wanted to do have been sitting there year after year -- come on, S.


Cleaning outwardly,
Purifying inwardly.
Clearer goals,
Not losing sight of them amidst clutter.


When a room becomes cluttered, the cause is more than just physical. Visible mess helps distract us from the true source of the disorder. The art of cluttering is really an instinctive reflex that draws our attention away from the heart of an issue. If you can't feel relaxed in a clean and tidy room, try confronting your feeling of anxiety. It may shed light on what is really bothering you. When your room is clean and uncluttered, you have no choice but to examine your inner state. You can see any issues you have been avoiding and are forced to deal with them. From the moment you start tidying, you will be compelled to reset your life. As a result, your life will start to change. That's why the task of putting your house in order should be done quickly. It allows you to confront the issues that are really important. Tidying is just a tool, not the final destination. The true goal should be to establish the lifestyle you want most once your house has been put in order.

-- Marie Kondo