Warning: this post contains some raving about HP fandom.

I just finished rereading Draco Dormiens - yes, that piece of fanfiction from The Draco Trilogy (abbreviated as DT), and god, I still love it. I still do. To pieces. No matter that I know the author filches stuff from other people to make her own story better; some people say that since it's fanfiction, it's okay anyway. No matter that I can read it in a more detached manner such that I can see certain incongruities in her style. No matter that certain parts of it are obviously at loggerheads with canon. It's like, Draco and Harry and all of the characters are so ingrained in my brain as their own lovable selves, separate from the reality of fandom and canon, such that rereading is only a matter of recalling them to me. Whatever horrible things that Cassie actually did or didn't do, or how much ugly fan behaviour ensued because of the controversy it sparked, has no bearing on the characters in my mind. They are blameless and pure to me, haha. And I still love them. I still love the unbelievably natural and plausible way Draco and Harry seemed to befriend each other, and the tangled, complicated friendships, relationships and histories. And the amazingly funny scenes; no other fanfic can make me laugh like DT can. And nobody can agonize me like DT!Hermione can. Whatever wrong Cassie might have done, I think, credit has to be given for her success (however it might have been done) in creating characters that can stand as their own, separate even from their canon selves.

Also, I recognise the fact that because DT happened in my late teen years, it left an indelible mark on me, and this is why they will always be lovable to me. Even though I love Richard/Lymond or Sam/Dean or Kyuu/Ryuu or Kirk/Spock and recognise that Draco/Harry fall into the same category of appeal, nothing will compare to Harry/Draco to me; Draco and Harry stand apart. Because they were first. And I suppose this is why people always say first loves are forever. Maybe love really is about who got to you first. And I didn't mean for this to become my philosophizing about the nature of love so I shall stop.

So, yes, Draco/Harry shall always have a special place. And the trilogy, of course. And I will go on to Draco Sinister now. And the reason I started reading anyway is cause my sister has bounded both Draco Dormiens and Draco Sinister in hard copy; there is this guilty, awesome feeling when one gets to hold the trilogy in one's hands, haha. My sister has bugged me to go get Draco Veritas bounded too.

---

And I found this; it's not bad. :P

Source

I like the quote on this one; something heartbreaking from Draco Veritas. 

Why do I find sad things beautiful?

Also, I found this: boozah beat! ahahaha. Cute or what. And uh oh, I forgot where I took this from but it's so cuute! :S

Yamapi in Buzzer Beat!

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I have no energy to be truly expressive these days. So there.

And because I think I won't be coming here tomorrow: Happy 45th Birthday, Singapore! You and I are getting old.

I came across this article about psychiatrists sparking controversy for attempting to classify grief of loss (if it extends beyond two weeks -.-) as depression -- it's called Is Emotional Pain Necessary?. How is it that one doesn't allude the modern world to an Orwellian state when things like this happen??? Cause, seriously! We're not even aware, I think, how much we try to numb ourselves - if physical pain is a symptom of a physical disease, then emotional pain is a symptom too. Giving drugs for depression is not treating the disease, you're just attempting to ignore the symptom. I can't help but think of Brave New World, of soma -- the people in the story just down some soma when they get off work and they feel genki and a-okay; so nobody questions that there's something wrong in their lives.

"Over the course of time, we've become looser in applying the term 'mental disorder' to the expectable aches and pains and sufferings of everyday life," Frances says. "And always, we think about a medication treatment for each and every problem."

From Frances' perspective, if you can't feel intense emotional pain in the wake of the death of your child without it being categorized as a mental disorder, then when in the course of human experience are you allowed to feel intense emotional pain for more than two weeks?

Father Anthony de Mello, a Jesuit teacher with a taste for Zen-like parables, published a series of books in which he emphasized how much of our pervasive sense of unhappiness in the world arises from our attachments. For a Catholic priest he sometimes sounds positively Buddhist in his insistence that the source of emotional anguish is a "state of clinging caused by belief that without some particular thing or some person you cannot be happy." He explains  in The Way to Love that "the tragedy of an attachment is that if its object is not attained it causes unhappiness. But if it is attained, it does not cause happiness - it merely causes a flash of pleasure followed by weariness, and it is always accompanied, of course, by the anxiety that you may lose the object of your attachment."

~ Book by Book, Michael Dirda

:)))

This is from Mariam's (my constant companion whilst I'm teaching at Irsyad) current read; and she bugged me to read this bit. I'm glad that she always bugs me. Eheheh.

That's why, Nabi s.a.w. always used to say: "Ya Allah, as long as you are not angry with me, I don't care what you do with me."

:)

Sometimes, the urge to headdesk is so strong -- I really feel like doing it, even in public. Maybe I should facepalm at least.

!!!

When I want to write, but I can't write -- it's... suffocating. Like when inspiration comes, or a thought, or a feeling, and I want to be quiet and think and blog and get it out, but I have work and it's noisy and I can't get away; The thought or feeling gets stuck somewhere in my chest and it's a strange kind of pain when I let it fade. Because I don't know if I'll ever be in the right frame of mind again to write what I meant. True knowledge is experience, they say. And I just saw a quote -- God tells us to pen down knowledge.

It reminds me of Roald Dahl, who said that: Once, an idea came to him while he was driving, and he screeched to a halt, stepped out, and wrote a word on the dust-covered hood of his car. So that he'd remember what it was later.

hahaha, this reminds me of comp bio. and especially biophysics class. at least bio and physics do intertwine,  but physics and psychology???

---

I thought this was cute, and less sappy than the other love-related stuff I have saved in my random stuff folder. I also think that it applies very much to friendship. I am in a somewhat fluffy mood today because Farhana circulated a really wonderful email about everlasting love: You know why I love your mum so much? She helps me to get closer to Allah.

And this, from here:

Women are not difficult; but they are difficult to understand.


Men are not easy; but they are easy to understand.


---

I want to watch Last Friends (the jap drama)! Am only at episode 2 of Code Blue though. Slow, please.

And oh, the night of Nisfu Syaaban tonight! -- the night we can ask and we will be given. :)

You know what I was thinking today? If only I could capture happiness or serenity in a net; and hold it there and never let it go. But Nabi s.a.w. did say life is lived by the hour -- one hour you're good, the next hour you're not; and that's why this life is a struggle. That's why this world is this world, and perfection and eternity is what is to come.

Because after the syabab liqa' today, sis and me had a little meal with Ami Man and Mama Dah (my uncle and aunt) before we all headed off together for Masjid Tentera and it was cosy and sweet and somehow so nostalgic, it made me smile for no reason. Then we were in the car to Clementi and I was in the backseat and looking out the window at the pretty sky, just thinking about how grateful I should be, and feeling so serene; I swear, at that point, I think I'd never felt happier in my life. And all I felt like doing was singing out Thank you!

But then a little later, I didn't feel so great. And then I got home and got onto facebook, and really did not feel great at all. And I'm like, what the heck. That place is the pits. Why do I even go there??? Seriously! I mean, okay, there are some things I do like and are somewhat beneficial -- but it's like going clubbing but saying, Hey, I'm only here to drink apple juice! The idea is warped and unreal and Who are you kidding? It just leads you down a horrible road. Whatever lah -- all I know is that, it's one thing that doesn't make me feel good and I'm wondering -- where is my moment with the sky and God in my heart? :(

Fandom Talk! -- let me indulge myself now.

This is probably way outdated news in JE world, but Jin, I hear, is seriously and officially out of the picture -- out of KATTUN! For good! Even Johnny apparently admits that all Jin is interested in is trying to succeed in the US. OHMYGOD, wtv, Jin, just go. -___- Good riddance, I say. Go stay in that deluded mind of yours that you're somehow going to make it big in Hollywood and America, where the competition for stardom is one million times tougher than in Japan. There is no golden ticket to fame for the US in the manner of JE in Japan, okay. But just try, why don't you. I think most of us couldn't care less, except die-hard Jin fans, whose love for him I find incomprehensible.

I am actually so glad that Jin is out of the picture, because now, I think, Kattun can work to be a stronger unit and move forward as a team without the scab that is Jin hindering them. And I could perhaps learn to like them without having to be so irritated by the presence of that absolutely arrogant and pompous bag of douche, who is unbelievably and irreconcilably (to me) Yamapi's friend. I suppose I may be being too mean, but uggggh -- I have always hated Jin's character and behaviour and just like Kame, I need to let some of the anger out. (Although Kame is waaay subtle about it.)



Near the end, Kame says, in a light-hearted, joking manner: "And it's not like it's the first time this has happened. We're used to it."; it being Jin's horribly selfish behaviour. One of the comments said: "Is it just me or does the rest of Kattun sound angry...?" Damn right, they're angry! It wouldn't make sense if they weren't! At the very least, Kattun, and I feel especially Kame, has the right to feel indignant. You leave the group once for some petty, selfish reason, jeopardising the group, and yet they welcome you back with open arms; don't expect them to do it again. Once bitten, twice shy, they say.

Oh, Jin, you bad, bad apple. Let's hope some miracle happens and you come back some day with some semblance of humility.

"Teacher, you from which country ah?"


"From which country??? Singapore lah!"


"They why you talk like USA..."

I almost burst out laughing at this -- because what! How do I sound American; seriously, these kids. I think they can't tell the difference between someone who speaks proper English and someone who has an American accent. Because I'm sure I don't have an American accent! Right, right, right?

---
And haha, this:

You just saw the UFOs and thought they would land but they just kept showing stupid sightings and flying away and hiding in... caves.

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This was from Maulid Celebrations earlier this year.

I asked him cause he's adorable, "Eh, what's your name?"

"Muhammad Nawfal!", with his lollipop in his mouth so that he was pretty unintelligible.

"Spell?"

He proceeded to shout in our faces, "N! A! W! F! A! L!"

Aishah piped up, "Eh, that's my brother's name!"

And Nawfal went, "AHAHAHAHA!" Which made me "?!?!?!?!"

And the rest of us cracked up because my god -- nutty, cute, little boy! XD

When Nawfal got his goodie bag.

And other cute kids at Maulid.

Abbas (at the rightmost corner) menyelit on stage, haha!

---

Insyirah!

I think this was from last year, when we were at Boon Keng to have mutton soup for dinner. Insyirah a little tinier and lighter; she's such a big girl now! Wanting to run everywhere. 

I am on a sudden photo-posting mood. I think I ultimately prefer blogging to fb-ing, and prefer putting up random photos here.

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When the comp bio people gathered to have fun, for once! at the end of our course. haha. :) And I really couldn't believe that they prepared a cake for me. When the cake came out, I was thinking, "Eh, whose birthday is it?" As always, oblivious me. Thank you my wonderful course mates, without whom life in comp bio would be even more torturous.

---

"Let us remind ourselves of the lifestyle of the Prophet (s). We live in a time of ‘lifestyle choices’; but for us, in fact, there is only one appealing ‘lifestyle choice’. Modernity holds up to us a range of ideal types to imitate: we can be like Peter Tatchell, or Monica Lewinsky, or Alan Clarke, or Michael Jackson. There is a long menu of alternatives. But when set beside the radiant humanity of Rasulullah (s.w.s.), there is no contest at all. For the Prophet is humanity itself, in its Adamic perfection. In him, and in his style of life, the highest possibilities of our condition are realised and revealed. And this is beauty itself: the word jamil, beautiful, which is one of his names, refers also to virtue. Ihsan, the Prophetic state of harmony with God, means the engendering of husn, or beauty."

...

"Those of us who have lived far from nature, and far from beauty, and far from the saints, often have anger, and darkness, and confusion in our hearts. But this is not the Sunna. The sunna is about detachment, about the confidence that however seemingly black the situation of the world, however great the oppression, no leaf falls without the will of Allah. Ultimately, all is well. The cosmos, and history, are in good hands."

From The Sunnah as Primordiality

This is what Crookshanks probably looked like when he was a kitten! heheh, cuuuuute.

---

I finally finished all the powerpoint slides for all P5 and P6 science topics and am now waiting for the Science HOD to pass me the lower primary science topics to work on. I suppose this is from the point of view of an adult and someone with a science background at that; but how is it that this isn't chicken feet? :P All the secular subjects, I feel, is a matter of sitting down and storing the content in one's brain, and there's so much that they can twist the questions and trick you. Even O-level is like that what right -- all you need to do is just mug. It's not so much about intelligence, logic or inspiration, than it is about maximising brain space.

---

Because I have barely posted anything about graduation:

Yaayyy! We survived Computational Biology! (And genius Shweta with a whopping first class honours at that.) :D And only poor Comp Bio majors know the crazy impossibilities that we had to overcome in this almost inhumane course, haha.

I finished The Constant Princess! I feel like finishing a novel is getting to be more and more of an event for me, because there are so few fictional pieces that can keep me sufficiently absorbed until the end. Half-finished books are literally building a tower next to my pillow. Woe to the distractions of technology -- i.e. internet and television. Anyway, The Constant Princes isn't the best of Philippa Gregory's works; it seems to lack a proper focus or message. But her excellence at characterisation still shines through at moments, and I can still appreciate her complex portrayal of relationships, ambitions and desires.

Some nice parts I've dog-eared:

---

"We are both Spanish and a long way from our homes. Doesn't that matter more than the fact that I am black and you are white? That I worship my God facing Mecca and you worship yours facing west?"


"I am a child of the true religion and you are an infidel," she said, but with less conviction than she had ever felt before.


"We are both people of faith," he said quietly. "Our enemies should be the people who have no faith, neither in their God, nor in others, nor in themselves. The people who should face our crusade should be those who bring cruelty in the world for no reason but their own power. There is enough sin and wickedness to fight, without taking up arms against people who believe in a forgiving God and who try to lead a good life."


Katherine found that she could not reply. On the one hand was her mother's teaching, on the other was the simple goodness that radiated from this man. "I don't know," she said finally, and it was as if the very words set her free. "I don't know. I would have to take the question to God. I would have to pray for guidance. I don't pretend to know."


"Now, that is the very beginning of wisdom," he said gently. "I am sure of that, at least. Knowing that you do not know is to ask humbly, instead of tell arrogantly. That is the beginning of wisdom."

---

Though I still love my mother, I don't worship her any more. I suppose, at last, I am growing up.

---

Think, I say to myself fiercely. Don't feel with a tender heart, think with a hard brain, a soldier's brain. Don't consider this as a woman with child who knows there are many widows in Scotland tonight, think as a queen. My enemy is defeated, the country lies open before me, their king is dead, their queen is a young fool of a girl and my sister-in-law. I can cut this country into pieces, I can quilt it. Any commander of any experience would destroy them now and leave them destroyed for a whole generation. My father would not hesitate; my mother would have given the order already.


I check myself. They were wrong, my mother and father. Finally, I say the unsayable, unthinkable thing. They were wrong, my mother and father. Soldiers of genius they may have been, convinced they certainly were, Christian kings they were called - but they were wrong. It has taken me all my life to learn this.


A state of constant warfare is a two-edged sword, it cuts both the victor and the defeated. If we pursue the Scots now, we will triumph, we can lay the country to waste, we can destroy them for generations to come. But all that grows on waste are rats and pestilence. They would recover in time, they would come against us. Their children would come against my children and the savage battle would have to be fought all over again. Hatred breeds hatred. My mother and father drove the Moors overseas, but everyone knows that by doing so they won only one battle in a war that will never cease until Christians and Muslims are prepared to live side by side in peace and harmony. Isabella and Ferdinand hammered the Moors, but their children and their children's children will face the jihad in reply to the crusade. War does not answer war, war does not finish war. The only ending is peace.

---

That last bit reminds me of something else I'd heard before - that U2's Bono said something like, "What happens when grace meets karma?"

:)

Also, I've been meaning to get hold of David Fromkin's A Peace to End All Peace but so far, only the Lee Kong Chian Reference Library has it and therefore cannot be borrowed. -_-

I think I have found, for me, the equivalent of Shaykh Hamza Yusuf in writing -- Abdal Hakim Murad. I love the way he writes! It is reminiscent of Dorothy Dunnett's. I haven't been looking up English words since I read Dunnett, and now because of this very clever and wise man, I am doing the same. It gives me a little thrill, to read such beautiful turns of phrases, or find a meaning expressed so magnificently. Everything he writes is like wow. Siiiigh. :))) Sometimes, I feel like bliss is when I am immersed in a sea of words.

The Messenger, upon whom be the best of blessings and peace, was the man of the Mi‘raj, and also the hero of Badr. He loved women, and perfume, and the delight of his eye was in prayer. The transition between moments of intense colloquy with the supreme archangel, and of political or military or family duty, was often little more than momentary; but his balance was impeccable, for he showed that body, mind and spirit are not rivals, but allies in the project of holiness, which means nothing other than wholeness.

From Seeing With Both Eyes (Oh, this is actually a transcript of a lecture. Hm. But I want to get his book!)

---

Yesterday, one of the teachers came up to me and asked, "So how was my class? Were they okay?" Cause I had relieved her class when she had to take time off school. And I said, "They were okay." And she said, "You know, the boys were saying, 'Why that teacher so strict ah! Everything also cannot do. She was finding fault with everything!'"

And I am like this: O.O and also like this XD. I have come a long way from East Coast Primary in 2006, when I was sure that the kids realised how easy it was to bully me.

‘Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.’ (Mariah Carey)

O.o She wants to be skinny like that? Haha, gosh. *headdesk*

Guilt is a warning.

I am on a quote-pasting spree. Also, have recently returned to reading my books. I am hoping to finally finish The Constant Princess by Philippa Gregory which I bought in Ullapool.

Failure is God's punishment for exotericism.

Wah, I like that idea.

Seek, and you will be found.

and

We grow through self-diminution.

OMG I have to teach a class of Sec 5 boys later this afternoon! :S CRAP. I want to be taller now!!! CRAP. Why am I freaking out.

I want my class of P1 kids, who are tiny and adorable and cute and make me smile even when they're being naughty. mouuuu.

I think I may be psychic! ahahahahah. :P I fancy myself anticipating things before they happen or stg. If there was an 'Are you psychic?' Test, I would take it. eheh.

Okay, I am being random. I need to sleep early so shall go soon. Just one more thing:

I read something on gender issues and I've finally found something that makes me satisfied; of course, this has an Islamic viewpoint; but it's so eloquently put and has all the points summarised in one place -- it's wonderful.

Boys will be boys by Abdal Hakim Murad (a.k.a.) T. J. Winters

"We insist, therefore, that our revealed law, confirmed so magnificently in its assumptions by the new science, upholds the dignity and the worth of women more reliably than secularity ever can. A materialistic worldview, which measures human worth in terms of earning power and status and access to sexual plenitude, will inexorably glorify the male. For the male, conditioned by the androgens from the time he was almost invisibly small in the womb, is assertive: his metaphors are projection, conquest, single-mindedness. As the facts of science trickle down into popular culture, and as old-style equality feminism breaks down, the male is going to be magnified as never before in history. Materialistic civilisations will, in the longer term, favour and revere male traits. In the shorter term women may appear to be overtaking the men, because of the energy generated by the congratulations of modernity, and because of the reciprocal atrophy of male identity and self-regard. But in the longer term, unless the logic of Adam Smith’s capitalism is mysteriously terminated, the future belongs to the androgen.

As Muslims, we refuse such a favouritism. Inevitably, given the nature of the fitra, there must be aspects of shari‘a which favour the male in functional, material terms. Ours is a religion of absolute justice. But because we reject any identification of human worth with conspicuous functionality, or power, or status, or consumption, we are able to insist on the worth of women in a way that is not possible outside a religious context. For we have not been created for the idols worshipped in the pages of GQ orLoaded Magazine. The biological advantages of the male, which, unless one day a massive reconstructive surgery and hormonal reprogramming is carried out on every one of us, do not for us denote superiority, as they must for the secular mind when it follows its own arguments through."

Had an EXHAUSTING week. Like today, had FoS commencement + Isra' wa Mi'raj celebration + supper with Ami Omar and family -- which means we were out from 8 am to 12 midnight; my sister and I ascertained how our family is just constantly busy with something, it's energy-sapping. We need to sleep more.

I meant to post something, like I said, but just never got round to doing it because so little time and so tired. Tired, but happy though. Because what is it they say? Be thankful when you're tired and weary because that means you've made a difference.

Will try to post properly when I have more time.

Me looking out over Ullapool. I wish I could escape to this hill at moments when I feel I need to get away. But this place is so far away, mou.

He has the whole world in His hands, He has the whole wide world in His hands.

Actually, I'm listening to something right now; let me be random: the secret of the woman is rahmah. Hmmm.

I totally had something I wanted to post about today; something that really struck me during today's sayyidat liqa'. Except that blogger has been such a problem for me these days and doesn't allow me to post and I only just figured out how to get around the problem -- so that now, my inspiration has gone. -_- I can't write when my brain is feeling heavy and lethargic, so hopefully, I'll get that inspiration back and ramble on about it tomorrow.

But just a little thought that came to me on Saturday at APEX: that when you can smile and put aside that little pain that comes from one musibah, you will be rewarded with something unexpected, something better, something that erases all the pain and that makes you go, Subhanallah, how could I ever doubt in the first place? With Jean on Friday too, while we were slacking around and talking, she was strangely the one who said that, If God can give you small little things that you ask for, why do you not trust him to do the same for the big things? And if he seemingly doesn't, it's because things must be not what they seem. Allah wa Rasul a'lam. What do you know, eh.

Thank you. <3

SAD. :(

Because:

* Japan just lost to Paraguay. The last Asian team standing, gone. Poor Komano; he was sobbing the worst, understandably, seeing as how he was the one who missed the penalty.

* I lost my relief teaching job because Irsyad apparently found a permanent teacher already. I am half-wondering if they just took another teacher because I wasn't up to standard or stg. (must dispel such discouraging negative thoughts!) This also means that I don't have any income still and therefore have to keep postponing friend meet-ups for fear of bankruptcy.

* Went to the graduate office to submit transcript, saw other applicants and felt discouraged at the seemingly tough competition for the MSc SLP course.

* ... :( what do I do.

I am remembering an episode of Legend of the Seeker (which has sadly been canceled) called Torn, in which Kahlan got split into two: one half had all her heart and the other half had all her head. Meaning that the former was all emotional and all "Richard, let's just forget the quest and be together and have babies!" (I swear, it was hysterically funny. XD) and the latter was completely logical; Kahlan became absolutely ruthless and was all "Richard, you know we can't be together so I shall marry this random person instead." It really made a very, very entertaining episode, but it was also surprisingly thought-provoking to me. Because isn't it hard, this balance? I think I've lost track the number of times I wish I could be all head. But that would mean not being human, I guess, because what makes the human if not the heart?

Haiyah, I will wake up tomorrow, get out of this vicious cycle of sadness and be genki!

Gonna be doing a brief relief teaching stint at Irsyad the next two weeks; so have to turn in earlier tonight if I don't want to get through tomorrow as a zombie teacher.

Been meaning to say how I've been having trouble posting stuff here again (another one of my I-can't-write-on-my-blog phases); because I realise how much I eat my own words. You know what I mean? How you may write and believe in something at a moment in time, only to realise later, how wrong you were? And then I become consequently mortified at my old/past self. That's why they say that one should always endeavour to use gentle and soft words, because you never know when you have to swallow them yourself.

Like my term paper back in 2007 -- I wrote something very pro-globalization for Nerney's writing class and babbled on about the inevitability of a flat, one-culture world. And scored a wonderful A+ for it, believe it or not. So of course I felt happy and so right about my own opinion. Then later, I started reading more and finding out more. And then... became more and more horrified! Because, what on earth was I talking about in my paper??? I don't agree with my old self anymore! It's quite horrifying. I look back and think how my points are superficial and narrow-minded and so naive.

But then, I suppose, this just means that I'm growing. And that it's a good thing. If I can look back on my old self and think I'm stupid, then that means I'm less stupid now? :P I hope so. And maybe, it's a natural thing to slowly evolve from young + stupid + passionate to older + wiser + compassionate. I shall strive to that, amin.

I was walking home, listening to this awesome song, and thinking how Peterpan is so talented (I really like this song!), only to get home and be greeted by news of Ariel's sex scandal. :( It made me sad.

But then, despite this, I think he's still an okay dude; because apparently I hear that his laptop got stolen? And that's how the videos got spread around. And the girls were technically his girlfriends. Then he finally turned himself in to the police, although I'm not sure what he's supposed to be charged with here. Negligence...? O.o Or is this supposed to go under some shariah law I don't know about, functioning in Indonesia? Haha.

I've always thought of Ariel kindly because my sister claims he is Yamapi-esque in appearance (XD haha!); but also because I thought it was amazing how he didn't press any charges or seem to make a fuss at all, when Bollywood totally ripped off one of his songs (i.e. Tak Bisakah)! And that song became a hit in India, okay. Sung by the Indian Idol on Asian Idol some more, I recall. He only got upset when another one of his songs got stolen again!

Tak Bisakah by Peterpan



Kya Mujhe Pyaar Hai



The first time I heard this Hindi version, I went: @.@ Am I hearing this right?????

So, whatever it is, anyway, I don't think he's that bad of a dude. He may be agama-less, granted; but at least it doesn't appear like he was cheating on his girlfriend or maliciously spreading the vids for revenge or stg. :\ It's just slightly disappointing that the wonderful talent couldn't come with a flawless moral record as well. Haha, too much to ask, maybe.

This is possibly my most favourite part of any of Shaykh Hamza's lectures (I've quoted part of it in a previous entry); and that's saying something considering how I think he's the most talented orator I know of, and every other thing he says sounds amazing anyway. Just within this 10-minute clip, I can laugh, I can cry and I realise my prayer had been answered. If you don't ever listen to anything else, at least listen to this.



"Human beings are created in a state of anxiety. When any harm afflicts them, they panic. And when good comes to them, they withhold. Except the people of prayer."

"The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along."

~ Rumi

<3 so beautiful.

I was getting horribly irritated by british airways and zuji for making the simple task of refunding me my plane fare into a complicated one. BA tells me to go to Zuji, Zuji tells me to go to BA (baka, seriously!), BA tells me Zuji has to handle everything so I call up Zuji, and then Zuji says, "Oh, give me some time, I need to look into your case, I'll call you in 10 - 15 minutes." And of course, it has been waaaay more than 15 minutes, and no call. >:-\ And bloody hell, if I were a rich person whose parents wouldn't bug her for not having a backbone to demand her money back, I would totally not bother about this, because this kind of stupid crap makes my blood go upstairs, and I just can't be bothered about fussing around for a bit of money, however rightfully they belong to me. It is not about backbone issues, okay.

Also, the fact that every single call made to big companies like BA and Zuji gets outsourced to Delhi (or somewhere else in India) grates my nerves. I'm sorry, not only is what they're saying difficult to make out due to the thick Indian accent that convolutes the sounds of their words -- but isn't it stupid that every time I have a simple question or simple issue to address, I am talking to someone hundreds of kilometres away from me in some place far away, when I'm sure the local office should be able to answer it quicker, or better? Maybe this is unreasonable of me -- but what's so difficult for someone at the local Singaporean office to address me?!?!?!?! eeeeyyyaar. >:-/ so irritating, I can't think straight. I really don't want to start blowing up at these random Indian telephone operators -- must stay calm, and breathe.

One thing for sure though: never again, British Airways. Not if I can help it.

Randomness tonight -- I want a chibi Pi. D: I want a chibi Pi badly! waaah. (Okay, it is 2 am; excuse my zaniness.) Just realised today how much I miss NEWS and of course Yamapi. I am filled with fangirling nostalgia.

I feel ridiculous.

Haiyah, I just miss these two so, so much. :(



My sister: "I don't like Yamapi because he doesn't smile anymore." :( why, yamaki, why!

Back from Caledonia (a.k.a. Scotland, ahak)! :D I had one of the most memorable times of my life. Happy, happy, happy. Beautiful things. Beautiful animals. Spotted a pair of puffins, which I think now, is an absolute miracle -- that two-second span when I saw the pretty orange beaks and barely made a squeak before the two pretty things fluttered away from the surface of the water. Also cute little rabbits on the hillside. White lambs, and brown lambs. And Eunice gushing over the pretty dogs. And the spectacular coastal and lake views that always made our jaws drop -- the two of us would gape and look at each other and then burst out laughing; because seriously, how can the world be this gorgeous. Masha Allah. And strangely enough, I gained more peace. Riding in the Rabbies van, feasting on the beauties of the highlands -- peace. :)

And then got home to my family, (to my beloved mummy, and my aunts, and my sister, carrying Insyirah who couldn't recognise me in my hat! wahah!)  and I remember thinking to myself: this is where happiness is contained. In snatches of time like this; when we realise we have so much to be grateful for, always.

---

“God is with the broken-hearted. When your heart breaks, it’s a good thing – the breaking of the heart is what opens it up to the light of Allah. The dunya is designed to break your heart, to crush it.”

Shaykh Hamza Yusuf

:)

Big Bang grows on me with every new music video. This one is so emo and pretty; the cinematography is really niiiice. I wish JE would spend a bit more money and produce something awesome too once in a while.

---

Finally packed, and leaving in a few hours. If all goes well, Allah and Rasul willing, then hello, Scotland! :) yayyyyyy.

Oh, Michael. :( All he wanted to say, eh.

My response to this was :O absolute amazement. I think my hair was standing. Thank you for good people like Chomsky, Finkelstein and friends who stand up for truth no matter what.

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable. 


~ C.S. Lewis


Been reading my old LJ posts. And being uber-reflective. And as I reflect on my younger self, I realise that maybe I don't give myself enough credit. I try too hard and feel disappointed in myself too much. I am not supposed to be superwoman what, right. I know better now; like Yujie keeps saying, sometimes it's good to realise that we're human.


If skies remain clear and ash-less, Eunice and I will be in Scotland this coming Tuesday. :))) And I can fulfill one of the major things on my wishlist. Oh, Scotland - land of many of my beloved things; it's been a long time coming.

Leong Hon Wai had a sharing session for our CS projects this past friday; it was supposed to be for fun -- no grading or assessment, and we had lunch. We wanted to order Oishii Pizza (I didn't know it was halal!!!) but they took too long to deliver, so we tried Dominoes (which was, unbeknown to me, also halal!). But then Dominoes has a super restricted delivery area which did not include NUS -- so at last, we resorted to the regular Pizza Hut. So anyway, it was an interesting sharing session, and I am reminded once again why I think computer science is fascinating. It should be taught as a compulsory subject in secondary school! Like taught properly as concepts (like recurrence and abstraction); not the completely forgettable lessons we had about Flash or Photoshop.

Snapshots of our My Gene-y application produced on the graphical programming interface, Scratch (download Scratch here)! I thought that maybe the project file could be exported as mpeg or flash or stg upload-able on blogger, but I couldn't find anything that worked... so too bad.

Basically, My Gene-y predicts how the child would look like using simple molecular genetics, given info about the parents:

One of the groups made a Love Relationship Predictor, that made everyone highly amused. It's based on differential equations applied to romance and emotion, and was actually published as a paper by this physicist called Stephen Strogatz, called Romeo and Juliet Mathematics. There's a funny New York Times article here (the comments are funny to read too, haha) and some explanation about how the equations work here. The group that did the program made very interesting graphs of feelings against time, and man feelings against woman feelings -- and apparently, there are a few situations where couples will keep spiraling between mutual love, unrequited love (on both parts!) and mutual hatred. XD Drama, please!

"I never could understand differential equations and I never could understand women. Oh well."


Also, here's the website for USP UIT2201 module, Computer Science and the IT Revolution. One of those rare modules I won't ever forget about, yay.

Warning: JE update -- plot thickens!

According to Tokyo Sports via uwasako, Jin is really going to leave Kattun, since he managed to secure a significant role in a Pirates of the Carribean movie (somehow, I seriously doubt this) and is going to be all famous in the US and the rest of the world. -.- Or so he thinks.

I can't even express how irritated I am with Jin right now. He's irritated me from day one, and now, he's more annoying than ever. And if you were to ask me which JE boy I hate, it'd definitely be Jin before anyone else -- because seriously, could anyone else appear more self-centred??? How Yamapi is best friends with this idiot is simply beyond me. It has led to many a conversation about boys and their strange ideas of friendship. I really don't know how Kattun stands him. I imagine Kame barely able to control his temper or something, and I can also totally imagine what kind of scenario led to the breakdown of their once-best-buds relationship. I seriously, seriously, abhor people like Jin.

kuchiks says:
 Hehe
Shake says:
 hehehehe
furby from madagascar says:
 ape korang ketawa ni
Tiki says:
 heeehehe
 secret.
furby from madagascar says:
 tebiat ah
Shake says:
 cute kan
 hahaa
furby from madagascar says:
 aduh... -_-
Shake says:
 yelah
 shamiah jer tak tebiat
Tiki says:
 hahah
Shake says:
 kiter kiter jer
Tiki says:
 pasal dia scot.
furby from madagascar says:
 diam ah
Shake says:
 tau takpe qah
 scotgirl
Tiki says:
 akak, should change your nickname to Scotgirl~
 cool pe.
furby from madagascar says:
 -_-
Shake says:
 hot sehh
 tuka ah tuka
 go go!
Tiki says:
 HAHAHA
kuchiks says:
 Haha
 Furby cute wat
scotgirl says:
 nah -_-

yay, we have settled USS visit dates: 7th and 15th June. :)

I only disagree with this, with regard to cockroaches, eheh.

---

Done with exams today. :D Slowly letting it sink in that I'm actually done with undergrad life. I'm giving myself a little rest time before stressing about what to do next. and yoshi, Scotland in two weeks! Dear volcanoes of Iceland, please no more eruptions, please? Thanks.

I want to spot these animals in Scotland!

At the very least, free roaming sheep shouldn't be too hard to find?

I didn't know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I'd cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full.

~ The Bell Jar by Slyvia Plath

This rings a bell, because my gosh, there was a time when I felt like this -- maybe not quite as extreme. But bad enough that I felt if anyone were to talk to me properly, to ask earnestly and sincerely, Hey, are you happy?, I would have burst into tears without so much as a pause or a warning. The description of a glass of tears full to the brim is just so apt. When you have bottled up so much, that's how it gets. And it's not about one thing or even several things, it's this inexplicable, unexplainable accumulation of hurt that seemed to have no beginning; like it had always been there, and then it had become too much to ignore.

And I have never been more grateful than anything in my life than to have overcome this. And in a way, I'm also grateful I actually went through all that depressed crap; because it has, I like to think, made me wiser and stronger; that now, I can actually talk about it. :) I remember a conversation I had with duckie long ago, when I said how life seems to be a long series of valleys with only a couple of peaks that come far in between. And she was like, Shouldn't it be the other way round!!! More peaks, fewer valleys! Now, I don't even care, haha. It's not about the peaks and valleys; it's that I can smile no matter what. Sometimes, when I see people being sad, I want to say GANBATTE! -- you can do it too. Don't give up like Sylvia Plath, who stuffed herself in an oven and died. What a waste of an intelligent woman.

---

Today, I drove to sayyidat liqa' and back!!! :DDD My brother was all, Just drive lah! So I did, and it was okay, although my sis really had to direct me because I am just totally, totally bad at directions. Then we had waqfa ma'an nafs (i.e. Reflecting on ourselves), and Mami Bee gave me a shoulder massage! Awesomeness. And halfway through I just felt truly happy and fuzzy inside because I don't know how many of us realise how special it is that we get to do this -- sit around every other week, being together, learning, talking and loving each other, just for Allah and Rasul's sake. It's the little things about the usrah, really the little things, that affirm my heart in this.

I finally finished watching Ayat-Ayat Cinta today.

Spoilers!

Mostly, I want to make this face: -________- but I concede there were a few saving graces. And it got a little better near the end, although of course everything was quite predictable. A brief synopsis: Fahri marries Aisha while his Christian neighbour, Maria (who is secretly and desperately in love with him) is away to visit a relative. She comes back and is devastated. Prior to this, Fahri always treated Maria as a friend and they were chummy, and together they helped a girl, Noura, escape the clutches of her abusive fake-father. Noura also falls in love with Fahri (let me make this face again -_______-) and does not hesitate to make it known to him, only of course he doesn't reciprocate. Noura then, inexplicably to him, accuses him of raping her. Maria then becomes a key witness in saving Fahri, and to do this, he had to marry her. -______-

Biggest, widest, gaping loophole: that the court refused to accept future DNA testing in order to ascertain that the child was Fahri's. Hello, which court of law today would refuse to do that??? The excuse of possible miscarriage is rubbish! My goodness. By this point, I was already feeling pretty irritated (and I'll explain why soon) and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I was very irritated with almost all the female characters. Seriously. I only barely like Aisha. The general theme is supposedly to show how Islam dignifies women but the ladies in the story are pathetic! As though Fahri is the only dude worth having! Especially that Nurul girl, his senior -- like what was she thinking, letting her parents beg him for marriage after he's married??? Fahri's roommates seem equally decent what -- pick one of them lah. Also, I'm sure the real Al-Azhar female undergraduates feel affronted that Nurul represents their kind; a Muslimah scholar ripping pictures of guys off noticeboards and pasting them in her notebook and drawing hearts and scribbling 'I love you's all over???? Seriously? If I were an Al Azhar student, I'd be waaay irritated. Bloody hell, I'm irritated already. I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive or what -- but I feel irritated, deep in my bones, at how females never seem to be portrayed well enough even by Muslims themselves when we know Aisha r.a. for instance, was a fantastically intelligent woman whose authority on hadith was very much undisputed. We have these guys learning from big sheikhs and being wonderful Muslims and on the other hand we have the women in the movie being pathetic saps, tearing their hair over a single man, however nice he may be notwithstanding.

Haiyoh, things like these make me irritated. I think the drama Nur Kasih made a better portrayal of the issue of polygamy. The Malaysians were a little bit more realistic -- although we have to concede that they both conveniently had the second wife die at the end.

What I did like about Ayat-ayat Cinta: the jail scene - when Fahri was being taunted by his jail mate, and the weird dude actually made reference to Nabi Yusuf a.s.. Very nice. Also, cinematography was very very pretty. And okay, the songs -- awesome, heh.

---

Gotta go for liqa' soon, and want to paste this here.

furby from madagascar! :P

The quality of mercy is not strain'd,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blest;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes:
'Tis mightiest in the mightiest: it becomes
The throned monarch better than his crown;
His sceptre shows the force of temporal power,
The attribute to awe and majesty,
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings;
But mercy is above this sceptred sway;
It is enthroned in the hearts of kings,
It is an attribute to God himself;
And earthly power doth then show likest God's
When mercy seasons justice. Therefore, Jew,
Though justice be thy plea, consider this,
That, in the course of justice, none of us
Should see salvation: we do pray for mercy;
And that same prayer doth teach us all to render
The deeds of mercy. I have spoke thus much
To mitigate the justice of thy plea;
Which if thou follow, this strict court of Venice
Must needs give sentence 'gainst the merchant there.

~ Portia's speech to Shylock, The Merchant of Venice, William Shakespeare

I think back to the sec 1 days and wonder how some teachers can fail to convey the wonderful meanings encapsulated in such beautiful language. I can't believe I actually despised literature in the beginning -- all cause of that Stanley woman; it's like hating cake after your first experience ever with a mouldy one.

---

Rasulullah s.a.w. said, "When Allah decreed the creation, He pledged Himself by writing in His book which is laid down with Him, 'My Mercy prevails over My Wrath'."

~ On the authority of Abu Hurairah (r.a.), Sahih Muslim

---

I bumped into yet another person on the train yesterday, on the way to school. I was sitting and being stressed and preoccupied with my computer science textbook and thinking hard.Then this person came in and was looking at me, and I was looking at her but not looking at her because I was thinking and faaar away in my brain, and when I finally realised, oh, this person is looking at me, she was about to look away cause apparently I hadn't seemed to notice. And it took like near 5 seconds for me to realise like, EH!!! I KNOW THIS PERSON! And by the time I realised, she had kind of backed away and stood a bit further from my seat, and I had started to feel horrible cause -- Oh no, should I say something now or not!

Horrible situation. And I was chewing away about what to do, and felt like dung. And then she got off at Raffles Place. And then I felt even more evil. :(

And then I started stupidly asking God to let me bump into her again so I can definitely say hi properly. Siiiigh. I don't mean to be so blur. meh.

As usual, I do random things before I actually start on work, and read some old stuff that really made me burst out laughing.

Sorry, this is just too funny. When arts students think science can theoretically come up with solutions to anything:

pls, invent some protein that will make guys better.

protein?! No, I dont need that. Make me not care is what I want.

why! invent a protein to make all guys wonderful and easy to understand

how would a protein work?

goodness knows what u guys do in biochem. just invent SOMETHING.

The other day, I came across something that said that the heart has 40,000 neurons, and thinks independently of the brain. A short review here. Apparently, researchers are considering that it's part of the reason people with heart transplants acquire strange memories of their dead donor; there was one case where a girl was so traumatised by the 'memories' of her previous donor being murdered, that she and her mum reported to the police, and the murderer was easily and promptly apprehended. There were other accounts of people acquiring very strange and contrasting personalities once they had a heart transplant; it's all very fascinating.

One of the most mind-boggling things I read in the review:

Research has also revealed that the heart communicates information to the brain and throughout the body via electromagnetic field interactions. The heart generates the body’s most powerful and most extensive rhythmic electromagnetic field. The heart’s magnetic component is about 500 times stronger than the brain’s magnetic field and can be detected several feet away from the body. It was proposed that, this heart field acts as a carrier wave for information that provides a global synchronizing signal for the entire body. (McCraty, Bradley & Tomasino, 2004)

There is now evidence that a subtle yet influential electromagnetic or ‘energetic’ communication system operates just below our conscious awareness. Energetic interactions possibly contribute to the ‘magnetic’ attractions or repulsions that occur between individuals, and also affect social relationships. It was also found that one person’s brain waves can synchronize to another person’s heart (McCraty, 2004).

This, I tell you, gives a whole new meaning to I feel like I know you on a vibe-y level and Listen to your heart. Also, maybe it gives backing to the idea of love at first sight; except that it isn't love at first sight, it's love at first vibe. :P Later in the review, they also mentioned that this idea of a heart brain might be behind our concept of intuition, or gut-feeling. Of course, the mystical nature of all of this makes most scientists fidgety and some of them are outright dismissive of the idea that the heart contains memories and thoughts or influences decisions and feelings, and simply categorise patients who claim to 'know' their dead donors as loons suffering from surgery trauma.

The Qura'an however clearly states, "They have hearts that they are not able to understand with", clearly establishing the thinking nature of the heart. We're also told that the one who will succeed in the hereafter are those who bring a sound heart; once the heart is okay, everything else will be. 

Transcript of Lecture - Purification of the Heart

When you think life is just getting a little too hard...  :))))

There is a hadith saying that Allah afflicts the people He loves just to hear them call on Him. SubhanAllah. It (Dunya) is only a short time, if you keep it in perspective. It is just like the dentist, it is only going to hurt for a second but he is doing it for your benefit and that is why you let him do it. Is it true or not true? Somebody when they are pulling out the sliver: you know this is just going to hurt for a second, ok go ahead. It is over, that is what you say when you do something to the child to get a sliver out, it is just for a second and then they are crying ,crying. It is over, it is over then you hug them and everything is alright and that is the thing about dunya -- it is just... we are getting the tooth pulled out. 70-80 years maximum but if you relate it to infinity, to infinity, it is cancelled out so stop complaining. Really, just sit back and relax.


Source here.