take a sad song and make it better

I was helping out at E's Aphasia Chit Chat Cafe this weekend

(which, by the way, is such an awesome thing and I've been dreaming

of running a child language version of this; it's basically a simulated cafe,

facilitated by volunteer therapists, so persons with aphasia can practise

their communication by way of chill conversations around a table, and when

ordering their food). One of the entertainment segments had music therapists

playing live music on request whilst they move from table to table.

At my table, we had a gentleman, Mr G, request Hey Jude, after we managed to help him write it out on paper (he struggled to get it out intelligibly in speech!). So the whole table belted out this classic Beatles song (which I hadn't taken the time, ever, in the past to truly appreciate) -- it was so cute! Even the ones who could barely get single words out were attempting to sing along. Music is such a wonderful thing when put to great use. It really lifts the spirit and connects people together -- which is why music therapy exists, I suppose. So anyway, I was totally enjoying the song too and sharing my phone with an adorable Mr W who was enthusiastically croaking along (hehe), when I noticed that Mr G was dabbing his eyes with tissue half way through the song. I stopped short and realised he was tearing up!

Oh gosh. I had to blink back tears myself, seeing him! Do not cry, S.

Suddenly, this Beatles song took on a whole new significance to me.

How difficult it is to live with this difficult thing!

How many dreams have been broken, 

how many loves possibly lost,

and how the heart aches.

But then to be able to enjoy a beloved song again --

how beautiful. 

I've been thinking that, rather than utterly sad things being the cause of tears:

it's when you've been given a breath of hope beyond your expectations,

when something overwhelms you in such a positive way,

this could happen I didn't think it would! --

that then causes the tears to come.

Hey Jude, 

Don't make it bad...

Take a sad song,

and make it better...

Remember to let her into your heart

Then you can start to make it better...

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah Hey Jude
(this is totally everyone's favourite part hehe!)

Feel seriously exhausted;
but happily so --

this week I was on at least 80% productivity,
and I made it concertedly so.

(I have to clarify that productivity doesn't mean
work productivity per se. Just productivity in the sense of
filling my life to the hour with consistently worthy and meaningful moments.)

It's hard to be coherent about this right this moment
owing to my serious wooziness/sleepiness;
but basically, I've been trying to add structure
and master myself and push myself;
my gosh I am exhausted but happily so.
And extra happily so because even when I fail on certain things,
I've been consciously kind to myself,
and it feels good, and I actually feel I could do better the next day,
and keep improving.

It feels comforting (even exhilarating) to know that the hard-won
self-love I'd achieved for myself last year is still here, hopefully to stay forever.
I'm therapizing myself, re-parenting myself, and I feel like lots of growth is possible,
Alhamdulillah.


The things people say in their ignorance still make me angry,
but I flick it away easier. It doesn't reach my core.
I am less bothered, and I can focus on doing what needs to be done.


If you don't live up to your potential,
you leave a hole in the fabric of being.
~ Jordan Peterson


I've sort of always known this deep down; maybe we all do.
Even when I was much younger, I knew that part of my listlessness
and occasional pits of depression growing up, was my knowledge that
I was not as good as I could possibly be.
(Even down to silly things like: I could have scored that test,
but I just didn't.) yes, life/things were hard,
and confusing, and just sometimes very very difficult,
but instead of fighting it head on -- I just... I don't know, checked out.
Begrudgingly played the game at times,
but overall got angrier and more upset! because the game was... unfair.
And seemingly evil. And rewarded all the wrong people.
And really really difficult?
And what does it all mean anyway!

But I think I get it so much more now.
It's not about winning (and really, what we think winning is might not be the real win).
It's about just fighting hard. Fighting really really hard.
That's why in Islam we call it jihad, right: struggle.
And the best way to struggle is to struggle voluntarily and with awareness.


These things aren't new, are they.
Sometimes you think you know things,
...but you don't, not really.
I keep being reminded these days by that Rumi quote:

You will learn by reading,
But you will understand with love.


(Wow, I haven't done this kind of ramble in a long time.
Goodnight! 💜 )

il-pal, il-sam, sam-pal, Ddaeng!

this line is really playing like a broken record in my head, haha.

be forewarned, this is a random (happy) post / fangirling outtake.

an RM-appreciation video needed to be made.

thank you.

It took me quite some time, and I always say I love all of BTS, and cannot decide on a favourite -- but slowly and surely, RM solidified at first place for me. This boy is amazing; and it may be my ultra-bias, but I will say that the reason BTS soars far above the rest of kpop is because of this boy right here, who set the tone for the entire group. You find persons like this maybe at a spiritual retreat, at a tertiary institution debate competition, or ensconced in some corner of a university faculty. You just don't see a personality like this in a singing-rapping-dancing boyband. Suddenly, a singing-rapping-dancing boyband you want to dismiss as fluff and pure entertainment delivers deep, meaningful, and philosophical messages. Suddenly, they seem to have some bigger, deeper drive and purpose, trickling down from their dear leader here.

I love the bit when Jimin starts laughing at RM, "Ahhhhh he's getting philosophical!" I also love a segment I had seen where they asked a (younger) RM to open his backpack for some tv interview, and he was carrying two books (my kind of person -- I always have multiple reads in my bag) and a toy to assemble and letters from fans! adorable. I'm starting to realise how much of this young man's philosophical meanderings and readings and reflections go into the output that we hear from BTS, especially now that I know the producers put barely any filter on him; they believe he has something to share with the world. Ah, it's amazing when you see substance packaged beautifully. i.e. Art, I suppose.

RM is my clear bias, but in BTS, all fans know that bias-wreckers are inevitable i.e. you say you have a favourite, but then you see another member, and you doubt your bias! hahahaha. Jin commonly makes me feel fuzzy and happy inside, and hello, Jin will always be extra-special to me, because he wrote and sang the amazing song, Epiphany.

I realise I have F now to share random fanstuff with, and the other day, I sent this to her.

hehe.

he's an example of how you can be proud of who you are,

without being arrogant.

"I'm worldwide handsome." 

He doesn't pretend he doesn't know it, haha.

But at the same time, he's weird and goofy, (which I adore)

and super-friendly and approachable, with everyone.

Like I know he's friends with Ji Seok Jin from Running Man,

who's probably older than his dad, and Seok Jin often calls him up

(once on Running Man too) and he'll just be chatting like they're old buddies.

to wrap up the BTS fangirling:

hahaha

---

completely unrelated,

but I got this pair of Melissa's recently,

and love love them!

At some level, I'm kind of afraid of how much I'm spending as I grow older -- when you have money, sometimes you forget that your bank is not bottomless, haha. Growing up, I've never been one to observe fashion or brands or trends. And I don't think I do that now either. But what I realise I'm growing into, perhaps, is an appreciation for beauty in tangible things. I feel (and I hope) that this comes hand-in-hand with my whole thing with KonMari / appreciation for objects / responsibility and ownership of your possessions, that I've been learning endlessly about. When you love the good pair of shoes you bought, say, you take care of them, and they last, and you wear them longer, and you don't buy crap shoes. And you don't clutter your space with unloved things.

It's my goal to fill my space and my life with beloved and beautiful things (and people).

my favourite definition of intuition yet

While everyone, of course, sees, there are many ways of seeing, so that what is seen is not always the same. What is the proper way of seeing? In brief, it is to see things as they are. However, very few people possess this purity of sight. That is, such people are not seeing things as they are, but are influenced by preconceptions. 'Knowing' has been added to the process of 'seeing'.

We see something as good because it is famous; we are influenced by reputation; we are swayed by ideological concerns; or we see based on our limited experience. We can't see things as they are. To see things in all their purity is generally referred to as intuition. Intuition means that things are seen directly, without intermediaries between the seeing and the seen; things are comprehended immediately and directly. Yet something as simple as this is not easy to do. We mostly see the world through tinted glasses, through biased eyes, or we measure things by some conceptual yardstick. All we have to do is look and see, but our thinking stands in the way. We can't see things directly; we can't see things as they are. Because of our sunglasses, the colour of things changes. Something stands between our eyes and things. This is not intuition. Intuition means to see immediately, directly. Something we saw yesterday can no longer be seen directly; it has already become a secondhand experience. Intuition means to see now, straight and true; nothing more or less. Since this means seeing things right in front of you without intermediaries, it could be called 'just seeing'. This is the commonsensical role of intuition. In Zen terms it might be expressed by the saying, 'One receives with an empty hand.'

~ The Beauty of Everyday Things by Soetsu Yanagi

Gold help me see things as they are.
Help me have the courage to see things as they are.
Help me act on things as they are.

eating problems for breakfast

If you fail to confront, you will lose.
If you confront poorly, you will also lose.
So, you must confront, but confront well.

That means that the truth-telling side of your character
must be integrated with the loving and caring side of your character.
When you show up to deal with a problem,
you must bring both of them together.
Confront the problem, but in a way that
preserves the relationship and the person.

...

"I try to go hard on the issue and soft on the person."
That means that both his truth-telling
and his care for the connection came together at once.
Here you can see the importance of integration,
as this one concept brings together three of our character components at once:
connection, orientation toward truth, and embracing and resolving negatives.
That is why integrity is always about integration as much as it is about honesty.
Honesty without love is not integrity.

But this requires a character that has neutralized the truth.
If he or she is still running around with a lot of anger inside
that has never been integrated and metabolized,
then confrontation is going to be toxic, "beating people up."
Love and healing must first have taken place inside people's souls,
or they might be in danger of treating others not in the way
they themselves want to be treated, but in the way
that they have been treated. They repeat the abuse
that they have been subject to in their own experience.

~ Integrity: The Courage To Meet The Demands Of Reality, by. Dr Henry Cloud

The world of utility and the world of beauty 
are not separate realms.
Who is to say that
spirit and matter are not one?

...

If it is our ideal to live in a world surrounded by beautiful things,
in a virtual Kingdom of Beauty,
then we must raise the ordinary things of our daily lives
to a higher level.

...

Beauty is no longer viewed as an indispensable part of our daily lives.
Confining beauty to visual appreciation
and excluding the beauty of practical objects
has proven to be a grave error on the part of modern man.

...

It is truly amazing that such beauty should permeate these humble objects -- objects which devote their existence to service, which sacrifice their lives to the needs of the daily round, which work in the harsh real world without complaint, which carry out their duties with a sense of wholesome satisfaction, and which aim to bring a little happiness into every life. Moreover, the heavens have ordained that these objects should attain an even greater beauty as they become worn by the handling of human hands. The religious life is also built on sacrifice and service to others. This selfless, devout service to God and one's fellow beings has its equivalent in the service of miscellaneous objects to their users.

~ The Beauty of Everyday Things, by Soetsu Yanagi

I shall strive to beauty every day.
God Is Beautiful,
and loves the beautiful.

I wish I didn’t have to fall into these pits of sadness,
and get trapped by certain ways of thinking —
But Alhamdulillah when I finally step out.


“When we look at the outside world,
we are looking at only a small part that interests us.
The world we see is not the entire universe
but a limited one that the mind cares about.
However, to our minds, that small world is the entire universe.
Our reality is not the infinitely stretching cosmos
but the small part we choose to focus on.
Reality exists because our minds exists.
Without the mind,
there would be no universe.”
— “The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down”, by Haemin Sunim