picture in my mind

Feel seriously exhausted;
but happily so --

this week I was on at least 80% productivity,
and I made it concertedly so.

(I have to clarify that productivity doesn't mean
work productivity per se. Just productivity in the sense of
filling my life to the hour with consistently worthy and meaningful moments.)

It's hard to be coherent about this right this moment
owing to my serious wooziness/sleepiness;
but basically, I've been trying to add structure
and master myself and push myself;
my gosh I am exhausted but happily so.
And extra happily so because even when I fail on certain things,
I've been consciously kind to myself,
and it feels good, and I actually feel I could do better the next day,
and keep improving.

It feels comforting (even exhilarating) to know that the hard-won
self-love I'd achieved for myself last year is still here, hopefully to stay forever.
I'm therapizing myself, re-parenting myself, and I feel like lots of growth is possible,
Alhamdulillah.


The things people say in their ignorance still make me angry,
but I flick it away easier. It doesn't reach my core.
I am less bothered, and I can focus on doing what needs to be done.


If you don't live up to your potential,
you leave a hole in the fabric of being.
~ Jordan Peterson


I've sort of always known this deep down; maybe we all do.
Even when I was much younger, I knew that part of my listlessness
and occasional pits of depression growing up, was my knowledge that
I was not as good as I could possibly be.
(Even down to silly things like: I could have scored that test,
but I just didn't.) yes, life/things were hard,
and confusing, and just sometimes very very difficult,
but instead of fighting it head on -- I just... I don't know, checked out.
Begrudgingly played the game at times,
but overall got angrier and more upset! because the game was... unfair.
And seemingly evil. And rewarded all the wrong people.
And really really difficult?
And what does it all mean anyway!

But I think I get it so much more now.
It's not about winning (and really, what we think winning is might not be the real win).
It's about just fighting hard. Fighting really really hard.
That's why in Islam we call it jihad, right: struggle.
And the best way to struggle is to struggle voluntarily and with awareness.


These things aren't new, are they.
Sometimes you think you know things,
...but you don't, not really.
I keep being reminded these days by that Rumi quote:

You will learn by reading,
But you will understand with love.


(Wow, I haven't done this kind of ramble in a long time.
Goodnight! 💜 )