I suppose everyone has got a fear of rejection, at least a little. It's only human, right. But mine is irrational, I think. A completely irrational and disproportionate fear. I wish I wasn't so chicken! >.< It's true what those wise people say: there's nothing to fear but fear itself. I need to cure me of this. I am sick of being scared!

This morning, Dan and Young on radio were asking people to choose between peanut butter and nutella. duh!!! NUTELLA! I grew up loving nutella; I used to to eat nutella spread every morning when I was a kid. And you know I don't like peanut butter, because peanuts just don't taste right with bread to me. And they're sticky and plebeian. eheh. And a lot of people apparently chose nutella over peanut butter. Common sense, I say.

I am looking forward to the weekend. And the CNY weekend. And the end of Feb pls!

Been uploading some photos - here's one. Us sending bubu off to Qatar. It was a mega gathering, quite.

My sister got 8 points for her Os. (: And everybody was all jubilation. Quite honestly, I knew she had it in her. Everyone else just had some unaccounted, skewed and underestimated view of her capabilities. So anyway, everyone wanted to have their bit in celebrating. My family went to T3 Earle Swensen's for icecream the same night of the results, and the very next night, Cik Dah brought us there again, to the very same place, to celebrate! My mum and me were so kan-chiong about the fact that the staff were going to recognise us from the previous night. Heh.

At first, my dad was all, "Go RJ!" And I was also all, "Hey, why not!" So I have fellow Rafflesian in family eh. But then, she knew what the stress was all about, having seen me through my JC years, and there was some worry about the prioritisation of choices for selecting JC (or something) and so she settled with VJ. Ne. My brother was all: -_____________- PARKWAY PARADE AGAIN. Haha. He wanted my sister to quite literally, get out of the east, and explore our tiny island.

On other things: Have had a rather mellow and introspective weekend. Sometimes I get truly worried that my brain will self-combust with the over-worrying, which of course, only worsens the situation. Eheh. But now, I think, I've learnt the little trick to put things in perspective. (Thank you, Allah and Rasul.) I am happy that so far, I have kept to my 2008 resolutions. The hardworking part is always kind of difficult to maintain, but I still try. And the gaining perspective part - I think I'm well on my way. (: I shall be a brand new me when I turn 21.

I miss Mumu. I can't wait to meet up and see what she says about Supes. I miss the birds. And I even miss turk too, cause we didn't get to meet the past week to go home together. And Jean too! I think she's done with her med papers for now...

As a sign off for this highly optimistic entry, here's an extremely lovable icon I stole from my sis who stole from someone else so it doesn't matter:



Two of some of my favourite things! I do adore Sam.

I will occasionally have phases of watching youtube videos about religion and Islam. That was how I discovered Ahmad Deedat, the South African Muslim preacher who debated in comparative religion. And yes, I devoured those. Eheh. They are so gripping. So anyway, these videos, if you ever actually bother watching religion-related videos you'll know this, will always have many many many comments. Like 1593 comments, for instance. And it's full of slander and curses and open ridicule. It is just horrifying and disgusting. But I read them anyway because... quite honestly, they are addictive. I just get really riled up and feel like strangling some of them. And it is also amazing how ignorant some people are. Amazing.

Like apparently, the typical American thinks every Muslim man will marry four women. DUDE. How dumb. Some are even worse - they think Muslims hate women??? WHAT THE HELL. A million of them just say things in complete and utter ignorance, it is truly jaw-dropping. If they just truly truly bothered to find out about Islam, they'd know that Islam was the first to properly accord respect and status to women WAAAAAAY before any institution ever did. HAIYOH. Ignorance is humanity's disease.

And my god. Rasulullah did marry a nine-year old girl, who had matured. Not a kid. NOT A KID, y'all. This means she had reached puberty. She eventually became his favourite and most beloved wife and most famous female Islamic scholar. This beautiful relationship between the Prophet and his favourite wife is no basis for an accusation of pedophilism, astaghfirllah. Seriously. I just want to cekik these people.

I know there's not much point lamenting all this here because the poor souls who say such horrible things are over at youtube. But if I were to post there, no matter how polite and decent my rebuttal, they'd just reply incoherently with numerous fucks and shits and assholes. So I just have to let it all here. Sigh. Unbelievable.

I alternately feel like writing. And then not writing. I am indecisive even about the most mundane minute things in life. haiyoh.

I am still sad about Heath. Was feeling sad throughout my entire kitchen clean-up tonight. :(

My mum commented on how easy my life is now. It seems so, I suppose. Lectures starting in the late afternoon, no homework at this stage, no rush. But I go: "Huh! Easy???" If people only knew the amount of torture I put on my mind every single day. I think it could drive even the most optimistic person mad with fear. Worry about USP. Worry about CAP. Worry that I am going to utterly suck at computing no matter how hard I try. Worry about seemingly non-existent job prospects. Worry that I should be doing just something more. Worry about whether to apply for this or that thing. Worry about where I'm going to end up ten years from now. Worry about just every other stupid detail. I just want to tell my brain to shut up. Really.

I just can't chill. What is wrong with me. Sometimes I try to make myself visualise putting my crazy roundabout thoughts into a big wooden chest, heavily padlocked, and then set aside. But that works for like only five minutes max, before my thoughts go to my worries again. Learning to relax is no easy thing for me. It's hard for me to see life as good right now, but I try. Because I know it is. It is good. I just can't see it very well.

Heath Ledger died?! What. What. What. NO! :( What is it lately with these young actors! I just heard yesterday that Brad Renfro died recently too (the pretty and talented boy in The Client).

SNIFF. I really loved Heath. I think I've watched like all the movies he was in. Except Monster Ball. And he's acting as joker in the upcoming Dark Knight too! This is just too sad. ONLY 28 years old okay. I've liked him since Knight's Tale and 10 Things I Hate About You. An ounce more of fan-feeling in me, and I think I might burst out crying for him.

They say it might be drug-related. But it doesn't seem Heath-like. :( If there was a star that deserved to go this way, it ain't him!

Bubu got to see Sami Yusof in Qatar!!! >.< I want I want I want x 100!!! tak fair seh. He's so amazing! Waaah. :( His third album better be available somewhere in Singapore for me to get.

So in case you're still not clued in: Sami Yusof is an England-based (if I'm not wrong) Muslim singer and musician and his songs are all about Islam, and it so so so rocks cause he sings in english, turkish, hindi and arabic (very international! anybody thinking world peace?), and the music is so good. He did a collaboration with Outlandish once too.

This one, Hasbi Rabbi, is still one of his best IMO; (it was one of the first). The music video is damn nice too; and I realise I've been to all the places featured in it! I'm quite the traveller. Watch it!

Finished Oliver Twist. And I think I surprised myself cause I actually found Dickens extremely funny at parts. He makes humour using exaggeration and seemingly matter-of-fact statements. Oh man. I'm incapable of describing it.

"It was all Mrs Bumble. She would do it," urged Mr Bumble; first looking around to ascertain that his partner had left the room.

"That is no excuse," replied Mr Brownlow. "You were present on the occasion of the destruction of these trinkets, and indeed are the more guilty of the two, in the eye of the law; for the law supposes that your wife acts under your direction."

"If the law supposes that," said Mr Bumble, squeezing his hat emphatically in both hands, "the law is a ass - a idiot. If that's the eye of the law, the law is a bachelor; and the worst I wish the law is, that his eye may be opened by experience - by experience."

~ 'Oliver Twist' by Charles Dickens

HAHA.

I watched Planet Earth tonight and it was so gorgeous. I don't see how one can watch these things and not entertain the notion of becoming a zoologist or a photographer for national geographic or something.

My math professor is weird extraordinaire. He is the most absent-minded, dazed, in-his-own-world professor I've encountered so far. Lawton was strange and absent-minded, but this guy is weirder! But still adorable in a grandfather sort of way. He rambles indefinitely, to the incontrollable laughter of some of us. I have a theory that mathematicians are more prone to losing their screws in old age. Not like real psychatric mad; but just mad as in weird. It must be all those numbers they immerse themselves in their entire lives. You've got to temper them with words and a nice dose of television, or else you might go bonkers.

I'm experiencing a healthy bout of optimism this week. It must be the effects of a new semester. All brand new hopes, rainbows over every module, nice blank white paper for scribbling, and calenders with empty slots begging to be filled. Dear God, let this feeling last.

ohmygosh. I love James McAvoy. He is so good at what he does, and so funny. I just watched the most entertaining interview - him on Parkinson. He is just hilarious.

I really should phase out my movie-watching habit, now that term has started. But man, this is my drug, and thence damn hard to kick.

And oh, Amir Fadl is coming to KL in Feb! I am both excited and apprehensive. Really. I never know how to feel around him, cause I think he can just see completely through me, and that makes me truly nervous. Just goes to show how much of my true self I ever display freely to others. And anyway, it is so uber scary to speak to him at all.

Bumped into Cikgu Fadilah at buona vista MRT yesterday. Chance encounters always leave me slightly baffled, because I am always, against my better judgement, inclined to take meaning from it, believing in the whole nothing-is-coincidence concept. Cikgu looked mostly the same, and inquired after the rest of the batch. I told her what I knew. She seemed a little distracted, like maybe the remembrance of RJ was not pleasant at all. I think she hated RJ with a vengeance. I really don't blame her. I am conscious of my brain slowly whitewashing my JC years (especially when I see my sister doing Orientation stuff and I recall how fun Jaxoras was), but if I remember accurately, there were numerous moments of absolute fear, frustration, stupidity and bleakness.

I was just thinking the other day, how every little incident that happens, I try to fit into the big jigsaw that is life. How, at every turn of the time, I'm trying to figure out life. And yesterday, I was struck by the horrifying thought that I would still be figuring out life on my deathbed. But then maybe, life is about figuring out life, eh? I mean, religion can teach you one thing, but you still, somehow, gotta figure some things out for yourself. And man, if you know what I'm talking about, you'd know how exhausting it is. It's just one theory after another.

And now, I'm thinking, it's true about the cliche: hope is kind of the whole point. Because it can be bleak, bleak, bleak and ultra bleak, but as long as there's that glimmer of hope, that one shining ray of a better future, humanity does not give up. So, in line with my human nature and against calculated logic, I hope. And get disappointed. And hope again. Life in a nutshell, I guess.

I was rummaging through my favourites folder and found something I should have shared long ago. >.< It is hilarious. It's an article from an online newspaper, the San Francisco Chronicle. The writer comes up with her own list of the Sexiest Men Alive, in response to People Magazine. And she includes:

Totoro (animated forest spirit, Hayao Miyazaki's "My Neighbor Totoro"): He's not really a man; he's more a giant, furry Blob of Cute, but he can fly. He belongs in the sky. We could belong to each other.

ohmygosh, no! Haven't I said many times - his teeth are too chompy! haha!


Eunice will be happy to note that Nadal made her list, with the interesting comment: Rafael Nadal (tennis star): The hair is bothersome, but the bottom is gold.

Mr Darcy also made it, DUH. He's on everyone's list, no? She said: Nastiness redeemed is an aphrodisiac. - to which I have no objections whatsoever. And in which case, DT!Draco, Lymond and Logan Echolls would also qualify. She also has Darth Maul included, despite absence of redemption. (Red with black stripes is not my style, unfortunately.) Also: Heathcliff, Holmes, Haldir (an LotR elf), and haha, Atticus Finch.

Where is Dean Winchester, I say.

Okay, I know I need to lighten up! :P I try, I do.

Met up with Hudy and Khairiah, then Sowmya and Jean today. Sowmya is moving to Melbourne! :( Why do people keep going away. And the next time I see her? Indefinite.

Gained some good perspective today. Thumbs up for me.

School starting in a few days. I'm bracing myself. Keeping fear at bay is my utmost priority.

I also have come to realise that I am slowly but certainly outgrowing this blog. I can no longer write in it. The last entry, which had heartfelt sentiments, was up for a mere half hour before I dumped it into the drafts folder. I've become more uptight than before or something. Anything that's remotely personal doesn't belong on this screen anymore. I no longer feel comfortable being honest here. I've grown to become more private, at the least; more of a recluse, at the worst. oh well. I say give it another year, and we'll see if this blog still survives.

That's why I talk about film and tv more than anything else, I suppose. It's the only thing I allow myself to express freely about here.

Watched Atonement. (Honestly, this December break tops all my hols for most watched movies and tv shows.) Briefly: a little nuisance of a girl makes up lies about people, with terrible consequences. Also, a love story. (So you can just put two and two together, eh?)

There was a severely draggy part somewhere in the middle of the movie, and you normally don't hear the comment 'draggy' from me. So, yes, it was draggy. And slightly confusing. It was jumpy, and abrupt at parts, so you're left wondering for a few seconds at every new scene: "What on earth has happened???" If I could pick one word to describe the movie, I'd agree with most reviews: COLD. It's a movie that'll leave you COLD inside. It was like, "Okay, here's the bitter truth of this story. It's horrible. And here are more horrible things. Life is tragic, so deal." At the end, I felt bleak. Not sad, just BLEAK. I'd rather you make me cry properly.

But the filming was still beautiful. Gorgeous, gorgeous scenery and sets. With a 5.5 minute film track that reviews are raving about. People are also raving about Knightley's amazing green gown. ohmygosh, I agree. The gown was a spectacular green.

Overall, it was still worth a watch though because period pieces are always a must-see for me. And James McAvoy is always great to watch. (: And although it was bleak, it was something different.

Okay, I so need to watch a bouncy, happy, definitely-happy-ending romance.

Finished reading Zorro! I liked it! The ending was a bit unsatisfying, but I still liked it. Now I need to dig up my old Zorro videos and rewatch! Yayness. I like reading a lot of things, but yes, I have resigned myself to the fact that I'm a hopeless romantic with a weakness for swashbuckling heroes. :P

Decided to take time off from USP this sem. Will see how it goes. I decided the stress might not be all that worth it. I mean, really, if I develop a tumour before I even graduate, what's the point, right? I need to learn to take some perspective this year. Also! 2008 shall be the year I strive to clear my clutter. Because I read in today's paper that mess and clutter is sometimes a serious psychological problem; and it confirmed my suspicions. I always felt my clutter was my way of expressing my deep discontent of something; or like a reflection of my incessant habit of sweeping things under the rug. BESIDES - this lady was reported to have cleaned her clutter and lost 22.5kg as well! Definitely gotta try.

And I watched the movie Accepted, starring Justin Long - loved it! Briefly: a guy got rejected by all the colleges he applied to and faked an acceptance letter to deceive his parents. The lie grew into a 'real' school with 'real' students. It was hilarious, and very relatable. It touched me deep cause I was already suffering a college life crisis, and it just came at the right time. It made me feel less alone.

Anyway, lepak-ing at ami omar's place again; and we're listening to the chipmunk version of today's pop hits. hee, it is cute.

I am happy because I finally managed to put together my ISM proposal for the professor. What a relief. Now I'll wait and see if he agrees.

Anyway, beware because I am about to go into a tv rant in a moment. I've figured I'm an obsession junkie of sorts. At any point in time, ever since forever, I have been obsessed over one thing or another. It's like I live on my obsessions. HP, of course, as an example, was the major obsession of my teen years. And then there was Lymond, another major obsession. And then I have minor obsesssions in between. You get the picture. Right now, it's Supernatural. And my, do the fan discussions drive me mad. They do.

I JUST. Feel like strangling some of them. They keep bashing the girls on the show and by extension they are bashing their own favourite show, and don't they know they're endangering the lifespan of the show by doing so? Grr. I mean, I've been watching Season 3 right, and my first response was all, "Ohmygod, I love it even more now! They totally upped the special effects!" (Seriously, episode 2 freaked me to no end.) Then, I came online to read fan forums and ohmegad, the bashing. People were just simply COMPLAINING LEFT AND RIGHT. Bela sucks. Katie Cassidy sucks. Not funny enough. And you have those irritating ones who dismissively declare how they couldn't care less if the show got cancelled anymore since Kripke messed with the perfect brother formula of season one, and the snappy dialogue was gone, and they just want them to ditch the girls.

OMG, SHADDAP I SAY. If you couldn't care less, why are you even bothering to be at the fan forums??? It's like no one is bothering to say anything good, despite the fact that it's a freaking fanforum!

They already managed to write off Jo (although I pray she comes back one day). But if these dumb fans become the reason for the non-materialisation of season 4, I will scream bloody murder.

My brother complained how all I ever blog about is school. Or tv, evinced by this entry. school. tv. more school. tv. occasional family event. book review. tv. exam. tv. No long posts about big gathering of friends, or outings, or picnics, or parties. If it makes me a geek, so be it. I've realised I like myself better this way anyway.

I met up with my primary school friends today! And my - I had a blast. We talked SO MUCH. It felt so nice. I hadn't met up with Delfina in like forever and I forgot how much of a chatterbox she was! And me, yus and her sat at TM starbucks talking until dusk. We laughed over sweet primary school memories. I think my primary school had really nice kids; tampines street 11 had really nice kids. I'm so glad we made the effort to keep in touch, even though full-attendance gatherings still haven't materialised.

Happy new year everyone. (: Hopefully, good things are ahead for me. Somehow.