This song --

while on the bus ride home today,

I realised how beautiful it is.

my heart feels ache-y and hopeful all at once.

it's my song of the moment.

are we all lost stars,

trying to light up the dark...

This is lovely.

Loneliness is simply a price we have to pay

for holding on to a sincere, ambitious view

of what companionship must and could be.

This is from the famous School of Life. I remember coming across a whole corner of The School of Life merchandise at Harrods in London earlier this year, and gushing over everything. The sales attendant was amused.

I just might one day, take off, and go attend random classes around the world.

This is so good.

I really, really am so awed by his amazing attitude.

A lot of us live by societal expectations or by fear, and the rules they impose on us;

he says, think again, question it, is it real.

Anybody who feels crummy, or terrible, or when life sucks --

just watch this and get some inspiration.

This reminds me of another example we read from our book club text, The Element.

In October 1931, a 12-year-old John Wilson had a Bunsen burner accident during a practical lab session at school and was subsequently blinded for life. His parents were understandably distraught. His attitude to life however was nothing short of superb. He swiftly went on to learn Braille, went to an esteemed school for the blind, Worcester College, and excelled as student, rower, swimmer, actor, musician and orator. Then subsequently studied law at Oxford, worked at the National Institute for the Blind, formed the British Empire Society for the Blind (now called Sight Savers International), helped in organizing inoculation of children in Ghana against blindness-causing insect bites, led his organization in conducting millions of cataract operations, dispensed millions of doses of Vitamin A to prevent childhood blindness, and distributed braille study packs to afflicted people throughout Africa and Asia. And he had said, "It did not strike even then (at 12 years old) as a tragedy."



This is one of those moments, you ask yourself, What's your excuse?

Finally watched Oliver Stone's Snowden last night -- 

it was so gripping, despite my having known the story anyway. 

Also, knowing that this is a true story in relatively recent times -- 

makes it that much more exciting.

So cool, really.

!!!

I remember writing once -- and believe me, the epiphanies one can get with writing -- that courage is a muscle. It really is true, isn't it? And this story is another one; the first time you encounter something, it bugs you, but you're afraid because you can't be the only one thinking this or wanting to do this or what if you're wrong. All these just rush through your head, you know? But then as your principles are accosted again and again, and you do that little bit more and little bit more to be brave -- and then you realise, one day, you really are brave enough.

I love that there are such awesome people in the world. Alive today. You know, that they're not all dead and in books.

... the good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination. The destination is that selected by the total organism, when there is psychological freedom to move in any direction.

(Carl) Roger's view was that the good life is not an outcome to be achieved, once and for all, but rather it is a process that we are constantly engaged with and are continually moving towards when we are the authors of our own lives. Rogers described the directions taken by people as they become more fully functioning. These include movement:

• Away from facades
• Away from oughts
• Away from meeting expectations
• Away from pleasing others
• Towards self-direction
• Towards openness to experience
• Towards acceptance of others
• Towards trusting oneself

In these ways we become free to move in a new direction that is most authentic to us.

-- Professor Stephen Joseph, Authentic: How to Be Yourself and Why It Matters

I am in Seremban.

Datin S is making thosai downstairs in the kitchen.

She tells me I should sleep cause it’s holiday, but I just watched Clinton’s concession speech and it made me non-stop cry. I didn’t think I would be so affected but it is a difficult time. The world is a difficult place; but you know what, maybe the world always has been. Sometimes, we just see it clearer, sometimes we forget. We always have a tendency to whitewash the past.

8 years ago fresh into adulthood, I remember E and I chatting away excitedly about Obama, so happy to move on from Bush. And today, this.

Okay, no, I came down and Datin S was just reading, her dad was in the kitchen -- we had appam! Hehe, with coconut milk -- and it was so good. Oh dear, I think I am going to crave this for breakfast back in SG. I feel like I am on an immersion program, Indian-Malaysian version.

So this was in Datin S's room --

(very in character)

We travel not to escape life,

but for life not to escape us.

:)

Will find a time to post again --

this is an entirely chill and laid-back holiday

and it's a ripe time for me to lay out my thoughts again proper.

Sometimes the best posts are made on a whim, on that flash of inspiration, rather than painstakingly thought over, and planned. I have something I've been meaning to post about, but that's for another day. This, this right now is on a whim while I fight sleepiness on a worknight after watching an episode of Scarlet Heart (i.e. the only Korean drama I'm following now; my current kdrama phase seems to be waning -- yes, probably a good thing).

I bumped into S = Shweta on Gchat -- which never happens because I don't even know Gchat is a platform I appear on -- but hey, how wonderful it is to bump into beautiful people I have loved. It makes me think of all the wonderful people I've known in my life and how I don't have the luxury of having all of them with me. My heart aches just a little now. For friends who used to be close but now aren't.

Datin S, you better not be another one of my friends I will lose because of the distance between us. We are only an hour away by plane, okay; it's no excuse.

Isn't it funny who ends up in our lives.





A random thing tonight -- my dad told me he met up with his Arabic teacher and they got to talking about Shaykh Hamza for some reason, and the teacher said, Oh, he's a good friend of mine who comes to visit me at Darul Arqam! And my dad was all like, If he comes again, tell him my daughter wants to meet him.

O.O What is my father doing. Anyway, huh, what do you mean Shaykh Hamza comes to Singapore every so often. Are you kidding me. And uh, I would probably be somewhat awestruck if I ever meet him --

but after that I'll compile a list of questions for him to answer, hehe. Too many times I've come across a situation and felt frustrated about the way people think about things, and then wondered what Shaykh Hamza would have said about it instead. I suppose this is what happens when you really value someone's opinion.


--

Some more randomness from today:

If Harry Potter was anime! hehe this was so funny to share with friends.

E: I thought that Dumbledore would be drawn as a cutesy old person. 

But he was a cutesy kindergartener HAHA.

This was such a nice vlog to watch because ohmygosh, older BTS fans, yesss. 

For a while I was going through a crisis wondering if I was the only overgrown woman loving this boyband -- but no. They are clearly marking themselves as legitimate musical artists that attract people of all ages. And that's the mark of great art, eh -- transcending language, people, ages, and genders (see: Harry Potter as classic example).

Overheard from an upset parent as I passed the hospital waiting area on the way to lunch:

I'm willing to pay more but the system is crazy!

And my poor frontline colleagues were steadily listening in submission. Ahah -- I feel you, my dear clients. Tell me about it. It seems that all my adult life thus far, I've been railing against systems. Systems are a pain -- we're all mired in it; they restrict movement, put rules at every juncture, place inexplicable barriers to our objectives. But I'm learning to understand and accept: zero systems means anarchy -- and we can't have that either, can we? I suppose... it's another one of those things in life we just have to constantly struggle with for that elusive, ideal middle ground.





I've fallen in love with a little boy A at work. Love at first sight is true; people who tell you otherwise simply never experienced it for themselves. The first time I saw him in his caged cot, he already struck me as different -- probably because most kids I have to see are never this responsive, this aware and cognizant, this bright. He watched me as I approached and when I brought down the side of his cot, he went cutely in surprise, "Eh, boleh buka?" From then on, he just sunk his hooks deeper in me. Yes, he isn't great with his language but it's really thanks to the terrible family history of his young life; otherwise though, he just strikes me as being incredibly socially and emotionally aware. And just really independent. Like at some level, he seems to know he's on his own; god knows where mummy and daddy are, and grandma kinda pops by only occasionally out of the blue... I've never seen her for myself. But he's happy enough. Not overtly clingy to any particular person, not crying or fussing; just happily hanging around the ward that has been his home for a while now.

Twice now, after a therapy session, I return "home" with him, and it's the only time he fusses and cries -- not wanting to be put back into his caged cot. Because which human being, much less a healthy four-year-old, would want to be caged up in a little bed. So then I concede that we would sit at the play area for a while as I complete documentation and he looks out the window at the birds and cars.

He reminds me of my favourite fictional kids. He reminds me of Alex from The Boy Who Could See Demons (which woohoo! is our next text for book club hehe). He reminds me of Khaireddin from Lymond. This boy has grown on me, and I half-fantasize adopting him. Heartbreakingly, he's leaving for a step-down hospital all too soon, to wait for foster care. I understand now -- this is why some of my colleagues end up visiting community hospitals in their free time.

because kids like these -- gems.

It takes courage to face up to ourselves, 
humility to accept what we learn about ourselves, 
and discipline to take action.

-- Stephen Joseph, Authentic: How to be yourself and why it matters

God, help me have all three of these (and especially the last, which I'm sorely lacking) 

so that I can keep growing to be a better person.

Had an extremely crummy day --

had this rather timely reminder that it's ok not to be perfect:

God, help me keep living every day brave and hopeful.

ahhhh, crummy day, crummy crummy crummy.
What was it that I heard recently -- when you're sad, you doubt everything.

Some days I feel tired, sad, unreasonable,
and wish I could get a windfall.
Can something awesome just fall into my lap, please.

excuse my whining, but why do so many things have to be so hard.


Watching this video about girls who code makes me nostalgic about my youthful undergraduate years, going crazy about programming. Sitting up literally all night (and pretending to sleep when my grandma woke up in the morning haha) trying to get a code right -- and although I was in pieces and sometimes in tears -- I think there was an exhilaration in the task; I love solving puzzles. Nowadays, I wish I could get into a problem proper to crack it proper instead of having to work like a stupid cog in a stupid machine, and just keep moving, moving, moving, instead of really solving things. The frustration builds slowly day by day... I really hope I don't explode at some point.

this is just immaturity boggling at the sad face of failure.

tomorrow I'll be bright as a bedbug again.

I'm not able to stop yet; these songs sound beautiful --

I'm loving V's Stigma a lot now!

BTS dropped their WINGS album ~24 hours ago. yaysssss.

I didn't want to post, really, but I can't help it;
when you love, you love.
Jin's Awake is my favourite so far.
Although it's a matter of time my ear jumps to another track.

Maybe I, I can never fly,

Like those flower petals there,

Wings, like other things, are impossible.

Maybe I, I can't touch the sky;

But even so, I want to stretch out my hand,

I want to try to run, just a little more.

Despite being a Monday, today was lovely -- partly because above, hehe. Partly because my mummy came home from the hospital today after her knee surgery and is recuperating well yay (: Partly because it's E's birthday -- and she must be having such an awesome time halfway across the globe in some beautiful exotic place. Partly because the work day was superb -- it is rare to have such ample time to settle admin and backlog (and I can't believe I'm happy cause of such a thing, how kental am I). Partly because I love my family and I'm happy that I can reflect on this and be grateful.

Partly because as we spend the few days over the weekend at the hospital (playing insane board games and basically receiving guests every other hour), I realise how things fall nicely in place when one trusts in God. We hear this cliche all the time, but cliches are true, deshou? I see it in little things in every day life, Alhamdulillah.

And I'm telling myself, S, as always, trust God for the big things too.

oomggggg what did I just watch hahaha.....

but riiiight, the more I think on it,

the more awesome I think it is and the more I love it.

The story is set in a dystopian future where being single is literally against the law

and one is given a deadline to find love or be turned into an animal. (HAHA, I know right, whutttt.)

This is one of the weirdest movies I've ever seen

but is actually such excellent commentary on love, relationships, and society;

I'm like,

Yessssssssss, my sentiments exactly.

Happy Muharram 1438! It's the Muslim New Year --

and I think rather than list down all the gazillion resolutions I have, I will focus on one. And hopefully, succeeding in one area, then spills over to other areas of life. (Something I am realising the parallels of as I do more articulation therapy hmmm)

Goal: Physically tidying up my space via the KonMari method.


Yes, I have hoarded yet another book (The Life-changing Magic of Tidying by Marie Kondo) but insya Allah, this hoarding behaviour will end after I successfully implement the KonMari way for myself. My space at home has been significantly better since a year ago when we finally revamped our house and threw out a range of ridiculous and useless possessions; but I think it can be even better. Occasionally, clutter does still accumulate in certain corners of my room, and I know there are things at the corner of my spaces I don't know of or have forgotten they exist. That bugs me now. I don't want to have redundant, poorly utilised spaces. What are those things? Why haven't I used them? Why have they been shoved away? We should only keep with us those things we love; everything else is a distraction -- so KonMari says.

The fact that I can't easily take stock of my possessions makes me forget to do so many of the things I know I want to do. The number of books I have and the related number of things I thought I wanted to do have been sitting there year after year -- come on, S.


Cleaning outwardly,
Purifying inwardly.
Clearer goals,
Not losing sight of them amidst clutter.


When a room becomes cluttered, the cause is more than just physical. Visible mess helps distract us from the true source of the disorder. The art of cluttering is really an instinctive reflex that draws our attention away from the heart of an issue. If you can't feel relaxed in a clean and tidy room, try confronting your feeling of anxiety. It may shed light on what is really bothering you. When your room is clean and uncluttered, you have no choice but to examine your inner state. You can see any issues you have been avoiding and are forced to deal with them. From the moment you start tidying, you will be compelled to reset your life. As a result, your life will start to change. That's why the task of putting your house in order should be done quickly. It allows you to confront the issues that are really important. Tidying is just a tool, not the final destination. The true goal should be to establish the lifestyle you want most once your house has been put in order.

-- Marie Kondo

I have another Arabic test tomorrow -- completely unprepared for;

because I really can't seem to squeeze in study time in between the other necessarys of life.

incessant discipline problem.

S, these are words of advice... 

given by Mudaris haha, because he is random.

your life is not a korean drama.

chillllll.

Outside, "reality" existed; outside there were streets and houses, people and their institutions, libraries and lecture halls -- but in here there was love, soul; here, fairy tale and dream dwelt. And yet our life was by no means cut off from the world, in our thoughts and conversations we often lived right in the midst of it, but on another plane; we were separated from the majority of people not by frontiers but merely by a different way of seeing.

-- Demian: The Story of Emil Sinclair's Youth

Herman Hesse

1919

This speaks to me so much right now. This is my dream future.





Outside of the fact that I have sped through this book on account of BTS; on its own, it really resonates with the psyche's inner voice (well, at least with mine).

Kim Namjoon, you boy genius, how did a bookworm like you end up in a boyband.
You're making waves.

This book is intensely introspective, philosophical, and both reverent and irreverent of the sacred at the same time. He exalts Jesus, as well as Nietzsche; the message appears to be: it doesn't matter what you believe at the moment -- as long as you continue to sincerely seek truth, and grow.

Anticipating the music album now.

Subhanallah.

After today -- supposed to be an off day -- my head aches.

When you hear about the shocking lives of other people; the crazy problems they have; the irrational and completely silly things people do; the lack of simple virtues. I'm like, whyyyyyyyyy. Why are there such people in the world. What's happening.

And then, I'm thinking, Alhamdulillah. In comparison, I think I am a fairly decent human being. Insya Allah, Allah and Rasul s.a.w. guide me always. I am in need of Your Guidance.

All I worry about are stupid silly things like clinic training tomorrow (Again! GAHHHH -- whatever, S, just do it. So what if you're not great at it yet; insya Allah, some day you will be.) And whether I'm wasting my heart away as a single woman -- but looking at the state of things, never mind lah. My worries are peanuts. 

Some day, when I get married, it will be with my whole heart and mind, insya Allah. Anything less appears to lead down a crazy road.

I actually have an arabic test tomorrow and I need to study! But I need to post something first -- because so upset.

And I need to assure myself so...


S, don't worry; here are why being an idealist is awesome:

- you believe in a world of possibilities, not stuck in the mundane and now

- you are brave because you dare to give up something tangible for something possible (hence the cliched phrase daring to dream)

- you have hope in the bleakest and most dire of situations; some people then say, that's too idealistic! well boohoo to you, you give up, I haven't.

- being able to do all of the above means you have an amazing imagination; be thankful for a great mind

- you inspire others; because you earnestly and honestly believe in something bigger, in miracles even. you need idealism to be a therapist. (I especially hate hearing some therapists say things like, "this one cannot make it lah." ohmygod, shut up!)

- you have chosen the harder path; it's not stupid, it's brave. you're not stupid, you're strong. the people who put you down only reflect how weak and cowardly they are.

- you are willing to make sacrifices for your ideals

- someone who holds to ideals is someone with scruples; why would anyone want to be otherwise?



As E and I often lament, people fail to put rigour into their thought process; it is infuriating. I am also reminded of Imam Ghazali, from one of Shaykh Hamza's lectures, who always felt that people rarely brought their arguments to their absolute and final conclusions -- because if they did, they would find truth.

The rain and the lack of umbrellas
resulted in an unexpected impromptu tea time with Datin S after work today.
More days should be like this.

The talk flowed over everything. Into everything.



Like the fact that I had to confess my love for BTS; they have me wishing I was 10 years younger so that I can be a proper fangirl -- I'm almost 30 and I can't help but be impressed. As far as I can tell, this group is almost perfect. I am not new to boy bands. I grew up with them. I have loved them. There was NEWS. There was Yamapi and the rest of the entourage that was JE. There was Arashi. and Big Bang. and being distantly appreciative of DBSK.

But this group, objectively-speaking (as much as I can be that is haha), has the potent combination of an Arashi-dynamic and Big Bang-quality art and music; and then they went and added one more unprecedented element that sealed my love for them -- their music incorporates literature. I am almost rendered speechless; how can so much awesome be wrapped up in one unit.

The first time, I had to keep replaying a rap segment in disbelief -- I was like, did I hear that right? Did Murakami's Kafka on the Shore just appear in a kpop song? 

and this under-rated short poetic one here --

And now, it appears that an entire album of songs will be based on the themes of Herman Hesse's 1919 psychoanalytical semi-autobiography, Demian -- that is now safely downloaded onto my Kindle. How awesome is this. How is it that a musical act is making me read a book? I wish so much that they were here when I was 19.

The level of symbolism that is in these videos 

(i.e. concept trailers of their upcoming album release)...

O.O

I was going to do a rant and lament about the bleakness of some things, post-endless discussions with E this past Sunday --

but then I feel so tired, and sad --

so I think I'd rather post these instead.


"No matter how big your problems may be,
just place them underneath your feet,
do not leave them in your mind and your heart,
for every problem will surely depart."
-- Shaikh Omar Al-Khatib

Selawat Fatih
Oh Allah, bestow Your Blessings upon our master, 
Muhammad, the one who opens that which is locked,
and the Seal of what had gone before,
the helper of the Truth by the the Truth,
and the guide to Your Straight Path.
Allah's blessings be upon him and his family,
equal to his immense position and grandeur.


N had passed little compendiums of daily prayers around our Arabic class this past Sunday. (because A had asked if she had anything good for her to recite, trying to deal with terrible colleagues and office politics)

Can I digress a little and say how much I love my Arabic class -- It's going on four years now (almost) and everyone is just so quietly dedicated, tolerant, sweet, supportive, and fun. And at the end of the previous class, I went around to every lady classmate and asked if they were gonna continue on for the diploma -- and it looks like a yes -- please God. I instigated each one of them: continue, okay? we need a complete class to keep this going!




Ya Rasulullah, thinking of you puts a coolness and calmness in my heart.
Let me rely on you.