Amityville Horror is scary. >.<

We finally had our supposed last day in the lab today. And honestly, I don't care if I don't ever hear of enzyme purification again. -______-

I also need to be very very much kinder to myself. sigh sigh sigh.

OHMYGOD. There are too many math freaks in this world! I cannot compete with math freaks. I will die.

I love this poem we did in secondary school.

I AM

by John Clare

I am: yet what I am none cares or knows.
My friends forsake me like a memory lost,
I am the self-consumer of my woes -
They rise and vanish in oblivious host,
Like shadows in love's frenzied, stifled throes -
And yet I am, and live- like vapors tossed

Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,
Into the living sea of waking dreams,
Where there is neither sense of life or joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my life's esteems;
Even the dearest, that I love the best,
Are strange - nay, rather stranger than the rest.

I long for scenes, where man hath never trod,
A place where woman never smiled or wept -
There to abide with my Creator God,
And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept,
Untroubling, and untroubled where I lie,
The grass below - above the vaulted sky.

Went for the global education seminar on the UN millenium development goals today. And I decided to join ONE singapore (whose goal is to make poverty history, in case you didn't know), despite not really knowing how strongly I can contribute. I don't know... Eunice and me kept talking about the efficacy of all such movements, especially on an individual level, but at least, we do something anyway, you know?

And just so I remember, and just so you know as well, the UN Millenium Development Goals (by 2025) are:

1) Eradicate extreme poverty and hunger.
2) Make primary education universal.
3) Achieve gender equality and empower women.
4) Reduce child mortality
5) Improve maternal health
6) Combat HIV/AIDS, malaria and other diseases
7) Ensure environmental sustainability
8) Develop a global partnership for development

I keep wanting to dedicate time to doing good works but... it's always easier said than done. As it is, I'm dying under the pile of work I have to do. And I'm always so bogged down that I can barely keep promises. I think I'm inadvertently making people hate me along the way.

Ah sigh.

After a whole day of talks and powerpoint slides, Eunice and me had BK for dinner and talked about random stuff: Religion, as per our usual, and how pharmacy is horrid and my lab sessions are killing me and how much we want a holiday. And oh yes, I finally passed Eunice her birthday present.

Speaking of which, my brother's spending his birthday in some forest in Taiwan. Poor boy.

34 more days! To a brief escape. :) I wait, I hope.

I was watching Isaac on E! today. And he brought a flirtologist on the show. Apparently, there's such a thing. So, he was asking her for tips (despite him being gay and all, or rather because. anyway.) and she was saying how, in essence, it is the girl that makes the first move.

Like if a girl sees a cute guy across a room, she has to look at him in the eye and smile. Look away momentarily perhaps, but look him in the eye again, and smile.

LIKE WHAT THE HELL.

That little bit of eyeing and smiling is the invitation that has to be put forth first. Then the guy would know you were okay with him coming over if he was interested.

NYEEEAAAAH.

That's it then.

I'm doomed.

HAHA.

Nak main mata?!?!?!?! Me?!?!?! That would be the day.

Also, stupid people need to stop saying things like "If you were to look for where Al Qaeda is going to find its bomb, it's right in their backyard - in Pakistan." Don't these people know that such unfounded accusations have massive repercussions??? Haven't we learnt enough from the past? This time, it's just a Newsweek article. But the next thing you know, Bush is scrawling Pakistan down on his list. SIGH.

In math lab right now.

I really really wish my life revolves around more than my modules. But it just does! And I can barely do anything about it.

Got the lowest of the low marks for my math homework assignment. And what did I do? Laugh. I'm not sure if this is good or not. It's good cause it did not drive me to self-injury but it's bad cause maybe I'm really starting to not care or something.

CANNOT. I cannot NOT care.

I was thinking yesterday, amidst rushing between serving drinks in the kitchen and blasting DNA sequences in the bedroom: what would happen if I simply stopped caring? The first thing that came to mind: BLISS. To just let go! And not try so hard. I could take life less seriously. Be more light-hearted maybe.

But then. I think I can never make myself do that. Too much of a coward, partly. (Change is scary.) And partly, I just don't know how! How do you not care. I am never happy until I can be as good as I am able to be. Which explains why I'm usually dissatisfied. Because I think I know I'm underperforming or something.

You can DO this. You can, you can, you can. Repeat that mantra. Andrew Matthews says that your physical reality gravitates to your dominant thoughts.

I can't help but want to bitch bout school. -__- I've been sitting at raffles place macs, mostly by my lonesome, working on our politics of heritage presentation, for near five hours.

What life is this! I missed out on jalan raya again! EEEESSSH.

School is making me even more antisocial.

And then, after this, I still need to work on bioinformatics project. I need to start blasting those DNA sequences.

I keep trying to recall how I pictured 20-year-old me when I was 7. I think I imagined something more.

Hotmail is also being a bitch. It won't let me attach our project ppt! for god's sake.

My fries have become ice-cold! >.<

Okay, I shall stop being an annoying whiner and go home.

Why is it that there will always be people intent on burtsing your bubble? :( All bubble bursters should be put into a big black box and never shown the light of day.

Anyway. Finally got a new phone but then stupidly lost all my contacts again. I really thought I had saved it into my SIM card this time. But apparently not. -__- So please please please, if you're my friend and you happen upon this entry, leave your name and number in my guestbook if it's not too much trouble! thank you.

spent ages in the lab today. But spent the first two hours scrambling to finish my math homework while the guys did the assays. I have been having a seriously perpetual headache since morning and it does not dissipate. I think I lack sleep. AGAIN. Experimental biochemistry is a pain in the head, neck, shoulders and eyes.

OHMYGOD.

What did I ever do to become embroiled in a net this complicated.

It's been a happy, happy eid. :)

(Despite the list of foreboding deadlines I have to face.)

It's just been great. And I can't quite pinpoint the reason it's been better than most years. Maybe it's the fact that Ami Akar's family has been going around with us again lately, and I so so miss the talk and the laughs. Like tonight: we were sitting for hours, rehashing old stories and laughing our asses off. My my. I miss this.

okay. Words always fail to express good times sufficiently. So here come photos.

Starting with raya morning at ghufran, overflowing as usual. (I swear, I don't understand why they fail to add more mats every year; they KNOW it's going to be crazily overcrowded.)









This lady was sitting next to me. I sneaked a photo of her - so khusyuk lah.





ohmygosh. Can you feel the love on eid? :)) It's just everywhere.









The family portraits!



Beloved granny and me.


I think this is a cool shot of the boys; they all have unique positions. So natural.


Mandatory sibling shot. My brother is so ridiculous with those shades.


Ex-tutee and me. We were also supposed to partner up at Bubu's wedding as receptionists, but then plans changed. So sayang! Umar grew up nicely lah. :p


Another nice shot of the boys.


Okay. That's all I have time for now. So much work once tomorrow comes, but tonight I'm good.(:

I've been reading this book on happiness by Andrew Matthews. And it talked about how, when you want something badly, the universe will undoubtedly be against you. And it will remain against you, and you will agonize and bitch and moan. But if you still insist you want it and work your ass off for it, and say, "Go to hell, cosmic conspiracy, I want this!" and fight for your dream even when things look 100% bleak, then the universe will look down on you, know that it has fully tested the extent of your ambition and desire, and finally smile and relent. And then you'll have what you so desperately want.

I was watching the finale episode of 'How I Met Your Mother' on StarWorld the other night and Ted totally illustrated with absolute vividness, the above theory. He went so far as to rain dance on top of a building so that it'd rain and Robin could be prevented from going camping with some other guy. Ahah. And it did rain.

Iftar at our house again today.

It's funny how math can make me laugh so. Prof Lawton is just so absent-mindedly hilarious! And he barely ever succeeds explaining anything intelligibly. So far, any concept I've managed to grasp has been a result of my own perusal of the textbook or Bertrand's explanations in tutorial. He'll explain all the useless stuff we obviously get and gloss over the difficult math concepts. Gah! But still, it's hard to hate him because he's so adorably uncle-like and funny.

But Lawton and his antics aside, math is still amusing because there will always come a point in an incomprehensible lecture or class where one utterly gives up and tunes out, and starts seeing all the scary math equations in a humourous light. Like during tutorial, I'll turn to Pi Quet on my left, and say, "Do you get any of this?" He'll say, "No!" And I'll go, "Me neither! HAHAHAHA!" Really, the numbers on the board start to look truly like squiggles. How mathematicians can survive all their lives immersed in a whole other 'language' is out-of-this-world.

Anyway, horrible metabolism test today. The moment I saw the first question, I knew I was doomed. Because I made the mistake of underestimating MCQs - they can be formidable. So I barely scraped through with a passing grade whilst others got decent 16/20s.

Bioinformatics test tomorrow. Umi is being nice and giving me a reprieve from the kitchen just so I can prepare. So, if I do badly, I'll feel ten times worse, cause I can't blame it on the dishes. Damn.

Lymond a Mary-Sue? haha! Never thought of him that way! Read: The Dread Mary Sue

I think he almost is one; almost, almost! :p Perfect almost beyond compare. But because Dunnett rocks and manages to make him real despite his enormous talents, with believable flaws, makes him commit hideous mistakes and makes him suffer accordingly, I'm more inclined to fit him in the hero-archetype category.

I have decided to be happy. I will learn to be happy. I can be happy. I have decided to escape life-rut once and for all. :)

I have a ton-load of math to work through though. And an essay. And three tests to study for. And an SEP I can't seem to successfully plan. And poor job prospects. And falling CAP. And a sad social life. But I will not let happiness slip away, so help me god. >_<

I think I'm having a somewhat non-blogging phase right now. I don't feel like sharing my thoughts. At all. Gandhi says: It's better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you're not. aiyah, but it's always easier said than done.

anyway, since it's Ramadhan and all, here's a link: Quran Explorer It's beyond fantastic. You can choose the reciter, the translation and browse through any surah or chapter with a click of the mouse. The internet is magic, don't you think?

Abah came back today! :))) Umi and me took the bus to terminal 2. And Sani Hussain took the same bus as us. We keep seeing him lah! The other time it was at the coffeeshop. But I pretended not to recognise him. And my mum truly didn't. My brother wasn't around to say hi anyway, so we ignored him. Besides, he was wearing sunglasses - which ultimately mean "Stay away from me."

Abah's luggage seriously weighed 35kg or stg. I could barely drag it okay, let alone lift it in any way. It was worse than my US luggage (which I couldn't lift up the train steps to get to San Fran; uber embarassing). And he bought scarves and brooches for us and arabic cartoons for me. haha yay. I really want to improve my arabic. Also, he took photos of a Hotel Shamiah and a Shamiah shopping centre. Apparently, there's a whole place there called Shamiah. Ahah.

Today, I was really sleeping on my feet. Well, almost. Was half-sleeping in the train to school, was sleeping during biocomp lec, and was really dozing off on a study table for an hour after that. Then, slogged through lab with eyes barely open. Electrophoresis is shit work. The machine keeps conking every other try, so that one has to redo the freaking thing all over again. And we got dismal lab report marks.

But, on a lighter note! Eli is going to send me the movie Sunshine that he has on his comp! Yay. I hope he remembers. Been wanting to watch it since forever. :p

Am dreading politics of heritage lesson for once. And I don't think I wanna explain why. Everything is such a muddle, really.

I was whining tonight too. I was doing my normal cryptic whining. "I don't want to fight anymore..." Then my mum surprisingly responded, "Fight what?" And I simply repeated, "I don't want to fight anymore." I couldn't begin to tell her. Fight what? It's hard to say in so many words. (Besides, I have no intention of overloading this entry with emotional regurgitations.) You know what I keep picturing heaven to be? Just me laying down and looking up at the sky, and knowing the battle is over.

Having math lecture now, but my eyes, awake since 4.30 this morning, are dying to close. -_- Zzzz.

I am happy today because I finally got my birthday present from the birds! (5 months late! haha.) A watch! Obviously, they know my watch status is pathetic. I am currently wearing a $10 watch. heh. so yay! :)

We also grilled pigey. very painfully, I must say. :p She was so uncomfortable, she wanted to fiddle with everything she could get her hands on.

Today I feel like Robin Stewart, contemplating the genius that is Lymond. Sometimes people can be overly brilliant. Ah sigh.

And oh my god. I give up already lah okay. fine fine. we're not a malay country. no point fighting already.

I want to post the entry I contributed at my politics of heritage module forum. Cause I feel for it. So here.

It is difficult to address the issue of legitimacy, because essentially, we have to define what is right and what is wrong. And obviously, not everyone can agree on that. For instance, is the creation of the Israeli State justified? Sure, prehistory confirms that it is so. But at the expense of another country? At the expense of other peoples' homes? If we were to take the Israeli state concept and apply it elsewhere, then wouldn't the Native Americans say, have the right to rule USA, because America is technically theirs?

Singapore is of course, the exact opposite of Israel (despite Lee Kuan Yew's awe of the latter). We are not built on a long ancient history. The majority of Singaporeans are not natives. We came from elsewhere and we have settled here and called this place home. Imagine if the Orang Laut, an imaginary Singaporean version of Israelis on their return to motherland, claimed rule over Singapore - would we concede? I doubt so. So whose is Singapore? Does Singapore belong to the people who helped develop it or does it belong to the people who first originated from this land? Or maybe the most essential question is: Does conquering a piece of land immediately imply ownership? I can't even begin to assert my own opinion on this because I am completely torn about it. The Orang Laut would say, "You stole Singapore from us!" And we'd say, "You weren't here to defend it! And we made Singapore what it is today!" It just seems like an impossible situation!

After discussion in class, I went home to ask my mum, feeling quite bothered, "Singapore is originally a Malay country, right?" My mother replied with a vehement, "Yes!" And I told her, "Well, despite the way you always seem to put it, I don't think it's common knowledge at all!" Quite frankly, I feel very appalled, at the disparity of opinions within my household and within class. No one seemed very ready to say that the Orang Laut were essentially Malays, more than anything else, despite the obvious fact that the term "Orang Laut" itself is of the Malay language. The issue seems somewhat scary, and one has to tiptoe around it. It is starting to appear to me, that the term Orang Laut has been conveniently used to displace the roots of the Malays. Oh sure, quite a number of them were from Malaysia, technically not Singapore itself, and some from Indonesia, but surely, surely, there are indigenous Malays amongst them. But I think if you were to ask a Malay if he was a Native, he'd be confused and say no. I'm not sure what to make of it - state success in rewriting Singapore history perhaps, or are Malays really not natives of Singapore at all?

Of course it would be disadvantageous for Singapore to refer to the distant past with regards to our nationality. We'd be going back to talk of Majapahit eras and their ruling of the entire archipelago, and Malay folk tales of Hang Tuah, Hang Jebat and other Malay warriors. Doing so would backfire on Singapore's racial harmony concept; Malays would perhaps realise that they had more reason to live in Singapore; they'd demand more, perhaps; more rights, more power. Prehistory would favour the Malays. But certainly, starting the 1800s, all the races would be on better footing; we'd all be on par. So that's where our nation-state takes the start of Singapore history.

Kohl and Fawcett brings up the dilemma that "minority groups, particularly indigenous peoples, face when they assert their claims over the remains of a past used by the majority population to create an image of the nation's bi-cultural or multi-cultural identity". I can understand that. Because while Malays would claim that Singapore's distant past belongs to them, Singapore today however, isn't entirely theirs. It's a difficult situation and I think will remain so.

Am finally clearing my hotmail inbox. The amount of undeleted mail is incredible. Then I discovered why I saved certain emails - cause they're sweet and I can be sentimental. But I've decided to be brutal and delete them anyway. So here's some stuff that I've decided to salvage... This one's from my sis while I was in the US.

I am chatting with you, yet you are not chatting. Think umi like really misses you and abang. It's quite funny. She stones in the little spaces of time she has. Then she'll say: "Kakak tengah tidur, kakak tengah kat campus sekarang." and so on. Just informing you that you're being missed.

And this one's from Eunice when we were discussing US holiday:

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. You're thinking, "Eeeks! How can I get to SF from Stanford on my own!! My parents will freak out! I will freak out!!!" (Or something along those lines. :D) DON'T PANIC.

Haha. Ended up taking the train with Christine anyway.

Iftar at our house tonight! :)