timshel-- thou mayest

The past week, book club finished and discussed East of Eden, by John Steinbeck.

I feel an overwhelming awe and appreciation for this book; it is so good.

(spoilerssss!)

I struggle to say what about it is so good; the careful nuance depicting good and evil? What is goodness? What is evil? When do we decide someone is evil and when do we empathise and understand there was a hurt? How do we fight against the evil within ourselves when we are hurt? At the end of the day, the message appears to be, no matter how hard your challenge in life, no matter how so very very hard it is, and how much you've been hurt, you have a choice. timshel-- thou mayest.

One of my strongest images from the book is Lee, 

discreetly telling a quietly-seething Caleb, "Don't do it."

There are people in this world who crash and burn against you,

and then think nothing of it, and you seethe and seethe,

and that's the kind of thing that generates the hate that generates evil.

And the worse if you're a generally clever person, for then

you can become a sharp tool of wickedness, if you don't make the harder choice.

After a time his breathing steadied and he watched his brain go to work slyly, quietly. He fought the quiet hateful brain down and it slipped aside and went about its work. He fought it more weakly, for hate was seeping all through his body, poisoning every nerve. He could feel himself losing control.

Then there came a point where the control and the fear were gone and his brain cried out in an aching triumph. His hand went to a pencil and he drew tight little spirals one after another on his blotting pad. When Lee came in an hour later there were hundreds of spirals, and they had become smaller and smaller. He did not look up.

Lee closed the door gently. "I brought you some coffee," he said.

"I don't want it-- yes, I do. Why, thank you, Lee. It's kind of you to think of it."

Lee said, "Stop it! Stop it, I tell you!"

"Stop what? What do you want me to stop?"

Lee said uneasily, "I told you once when you asked me that it was all in yourself. I told you you could control it -- if you wanted."

"Control what? I don't know what you're talking about."

Lee said, "Can't you hear me? Can't I get through to you? Cal, don't you know what I'm saying?"

"I hear you, Lee. What are you saying?"

"He couldn't help it, Cal. That's his nature. It was the only way he knew. He didn't have any choice. But you have. Don't you hear me? You have a choice."

---

And this simple yet beautiful exchange almost choked me up; it's the understated honest moments in life that grabs at your heart, and changes you.

"Wait-- let me get it all out. Aron didn't grow up. Maybe he never will. He wanted the story and he wanted it to come out his way. He couldn't stand to have it come out any other way."

"How about you?"

"I don't want to know how it comes out. I only want to be there while it's going on. And Cal-- we were kind of strangers. We kept it going because we were used to it. But I didn't believe the story any more."

"How about Aron?"

"He was going to have it come out his way if he had to tear the world up by the roots."

Cal stood looking at the ground.

Abra said, "Do you believe me?"

"I'm trying to study it out."

"When you're a child you're the center of everything. Everything happens for you. Other people? They're only ghosts furnished for you to talk to. But when you grow up you take your place and you're your own size and shape. Things go out of you to others and come in from other people. It's worse, but it's much better too. I'm glad you told me about Aron."

"Why?"

"Because now I know I didn't make it all up. He couldn't stand to know about his mother because that's not how he wanted the story to go-- and he wouldn't have any other story. So he tore up the world. It's the same way he tore me up -- Abra -- when he wanted to be a priest."

Cal said, "I'll have to think."

"Give me my books," she said. "Tell Lee I'll come. I feel free now. I want to think too. I think I love you, Cal."

"I'm not good."

"Because you're not good."

💚💔😭

The real value is someone, having faced his own darkness and all his flaws and faults, struggles to live and make the right choices. That's life; that's life, deshou. That's being human, and being worthy of love.

I really like Cal. He was so real.

And ganbatte, S! You have a choice.