attempting to take the counsel of my years

When I've been silent for a while here, it usually relates to a simmering -- I have bubbling thoughts that need to be let out; but then I need the time to sit and ruminate and actually type it out. I clearly have difficulty finding the time to relate them here. Despite today being a public holiday, I still fail to spare the time. And here I am past 1 am.

It is infinitely easier to fangirl, hahahhh. My head hurts less. Literally, sometimes.



God, why is life so hard? Why is every day a struggle? Oh wait, I just had a heated discussion about this with my book club peeps over whatsapp the other day -- and it's cause we are meant to struggle. If you think about it, we actually don't think very well about anyone who doesn't struggle in one way or another in life (I'm sorry, but for me, an easy and immediate example would be American reality television personalities and how apparently vacuous their lives seem). And when I say struggle, I mean striving (not necessarily that one has to be suffering a scary affliction, although if one does, then actually, that immediately confers a very clear necessary striving on that person). If you are a human being and you're not working hard for something, one way or another -- forget other people -- you will soon despise yourself. There is something so intrinsically human about aiming and reaching for something.

And yet! Knowing this. Knowing that life is about fighting and striving (i.e. jihad, people, that's a literal translation). Why am I lamenting about how life is hard. What is wrong with you, S. Life is meant to be hard; embrace it. It is a striving to learn to be content; contentment is a higher status than patience.



Oh! I should mention that earlier in the week, a card via snail mail arrived from S in Melbourne -- and the birthday message was so lovely and beautiful, it made me tear; it's not too remote from what I've been rambling on above, I think I want to share and preserve some of it here in digital format:

Dear S,

Happy Birthday! I have no doubt that this will reach you slightly after the fact but nonetheless, I wanted to send you a birthday card to mark the occasion of your 30th.

Sure the number feels scary and also sad that we no longer are to be carefree twenty-somethings but I have no doubt that we will be the same crazy children we were when we first met a long time ago in a school near Orchard Road.

I hope that we will take the counsel of the years and become wiser and kinder people, but I also hope that we will learn to be kind to ourselves and forgive ourselves. I hope that we will continue to learn that the best thing in this world are those that money cannot buy -- good family, loyal friends, and the company of good people. I hope that we will continue to nurture our passion for life and our hobbies -- reading, music, and when we do indulge ourselves in more luxurious interests, experiences, or possessions, I hope that it will be with the knowledge that we are blessed to be able to do so.

Then she finishes it with:

Stay truthful, wise, courageous, and loving. Be happy, my dear friend.

-- S


I am so happy to have such amazing ladies as my friends.

Before I finally say goodnight on a decidedly happier note,

let me end it with one fangirl-ing piece:

this is my current earworm.
💚💜💛💙💗