Overheard from an upset parent as I passed the hospital waiting area on the way to lunch:

I'm willing to pay more but the system is crazy!

And my poor frontline colleagues were steadily listening in submission. Ahah -- I feel you, my dear clients. Tell me about it. It seems that all my adult life thus far, I've been railing against systems. Systems are a pain -- we're all mired in it; they restrict movement, put rules at every juncture, place inexplicable barriers to our objectives. But I'm learning to understand and accept: zero systems means anarchy -- and we can't have that either, can we? I suppose... it's another one of those things in life we just have to constantly struggle with for that elusive, ideal middle ground.





I've fallen in love with a little boy A at work. Love at first sight is true; people who tell you otherwise simply never experienced it for themselves. The first time I saw him in his caged cot, he already struck me as different -- probably because most kids I have to see are never this responsive, this aware and cognizant, this bright. He watched me as I approached and when I brought down the side of his cot, he went cutely in surprise, "Eh, boleh buka?" From then on, he just sunk his hooks deeper in me. Yes, he isn't great with his language but it's really thanks to the terrible family history of his young life; otherwise though, he just strikes me as being incredibly socially and emotionally aware. And just really independent. Like at some level, he seems to know he's on his own; god knows where mummy and daddy are, and grandma kinda pops by only occasionally out of the blue... I've never seen her for myself. But he's happy enough. Not overtly clingy to any particular person, not crying or fussing; just happily hanging around the ward that has been his home for a while now.

Twice now, after a therapy session, I return "home" with him, and it's the only time he fusses and cries -- not wanting to be put back into his caged cot. Because which human being, much less a healthy four-year-old, would want to be caged up in a little bed. So then I concede that we would sit at the play area for a while as I complete documentation and he looks out the window at the birds and cars.

He reminds me of my favourite fictional kids. He reminds me of Alex from The Boy Who Could See Demons (which woohoo! is our next text for book club hehe). He reminds me of Khaireddin from Lymond. This boy has grown on me, and I half-fantasize adopting him. Heartbreakingly, he's leaving for a step-down hospital all too soon, to wait for foster care. I understand now -- this is why some of my colleagues end up visiting community hospitals in their free time.

because kids like these -- gems.

It takes courage to face up to ourselves, 
humility to accept what we learn about ourselves, 
and discipline to take action.

-- Stephen Joseph, Authentic: How to be yourself and why it matters

God, help me have all three of these (and especially the last, which I'm sorely lacking) 

so that I can keep growing to be a better person.

Had an extremely crummy day --

had this rather timely reminder that it's ok not to be perfect:

God, help me keep living every day brave and hopeful.

ahhhh, crummy day, crummy crummy crummy.
What was it that I heard recently -- when you're sad, you doubt everything.

Some days I feel tired, sad, unreasonable,
and wish I could get a windfall.
Can something awesome just fall into my lap, please.

excuse my whining, but why do so many things have to be so hard.


Watching this video about girls who code makes me nostalgic about my youthful undergraduate years, going crazy about programming. Sitting up literally all night (and pretending to sleep when my grandma woke up in the morning haha) trying to get a code right -- and although I was in pieces and sometimes in tears -- I think there was an exhilaration in the task; I love solving puzzles. Nowadays, I wish I could get into a problem proper to crack it proper instead of having to work like a stupid cog in a stupid machine, and just keep moving, moving, moving, instead of really solving things. The frustration builds slowly day by day... I really hope I don't explode at some point.

this is just immaturity boggling at the sad face of failure.

tomorrow I'll be bright as a bedbug again.

I'm not able to stop yet; these songs sound beautiful --

I'm loving V's Stigma a lot now!

BTS dropped their WINGS album ~24 hours ago. yaysssss.

I didn't want to post, really, but I can't help it;
when you love, you love.
Jin's Awake is my favourite so far.
Although it's a matter of time my ear jumps to another track.

Maybe I, I can never fly,

Like those flower petals there,

Wings, like other things, are impossible.

Maybe I, I can't touch the sky;

But even so, I want to stretch out my hand,

I want to try to run, just a little more.

Despite being a Monday, today was lovely -- partly because above, hehe. Partly because my mummy came home from the hospital today after her knee surgery and is recuperating well yay (: Partly because it's E's birthday -- and she must be having such an awesome time halfway across the globe in some beautiful exotic place. Partly because the work day was superb -- it is rare to have such ample time to settle admin and backlog (and I can't believe I'm happy cause of such a thing, how kental am I). Partly because I love my family and I'm happy that I can reflect on this and be grateful.

Partly because as we spend the few days over the weekend at the hospital (playing insane board games and basically receiving guests every other hour), I realise how things fall nicely in place when one trusts in God. We hear this cliche all the time, but cliches are true, deshou? I see it in little things in every day life, Alhamdulillah.

And I'm telling myself, S, as always, trust God for the big things too.

oomggggg what did I just watch hahaha.....

but riiiight, the more I think on it,

the more awesome I think it is and the more I love it.

The story is set in a dystopian future where being single is literally against the law

and one is given a deadline to find love or be turned into an animal. (HAHA, I know right, whutttt.)

This is one of the weirdest movies I've ever seen

but is actually such excellent commentary on love, relationships, and society;

I'm like,

Yessssssssss, my sentiments exactly.

Happy Muharram 1438! It's the Muslim New Year --

and I think rather than list down all the gazillion resolutions I have, I will focus on one. And hopefully, succeeding in one area, then spills over to other areas of life. (Something I am realising the parallels of as I do more articulation therapy hmmm)

Goal: Physically tidying up my space via the KonMari method.


Yes, I have hoarded yet another book (The Life-changing Magic of Tidying by Marie Kondo) but insya Allah, this hoarding behaviour will end after I successfully implement the KonMari way for myself. My space at home has been significantly better since a year ago when we finally revamped our house and threw out a range of ridiculous and useless possessions; but I think it can be even better. Occasionally, clutter does still accumulate in certain corners of my room, and I know there are things at the corner of my spaces I don't know of or have forgotten they exist. That bugs me now. I don't want to have redundant, poorly utilised spaces. What are those things? Why haven't I used them? Why have they been shoved away? We should only keep with us those things we love; everything else is a distraction -- so KonMari says.

The fact that I can't easily take stock of my possessions makes me forget to do so many of the things I know I want to do. The number of books I have and the related number of things I thought I wanted to do have been sitting there year after year -- come on, S.


Cleaning outwardly,
Purifying inwardly.
Clearer goals,
Not losing sight of them amidst clutter.


When a room becomes cluttered, the cause is more than just physical. Visible mess helps distract us from the true source of the disorder. The art of cluttering is really an instinctive reflex that draws our attention away from the heart of an issue. If you can't feel relaxed in a clean and tidy room, try confronting your feeling of anxiety. It may shed light on what is really bothering you. When your room is clean and uncluttered, you have no choice but to examine your inner state. You can see any issues you have been avoiding and are forced to deal with them. From the moment you start tidying, you will be compelled to reset your life. As a result, your life will start to change. That's why the task of putting your house in order should be done quickly. It allows you to confront the issues that are really important. Tidying is just a tool, not the final destination. The true goal should be to establish the lifestyle you want most once your house has been put in order.

-- Marie Kondo