It's getting very easy to jump on this bandwagon calling 2016 a terrible year.

As the end draws near, all the negatives have been flooding my mind, and flooding our news feeds. I know it's probably skewed and I do plan to put another not-so-depressing photo-montage post here for my annual wrap-up post for the year; but while I concede there are good things in the year -- like seeing Scotland again! -- I am not genki enough to be writing; I think I'll only have enough energy to put photos.

I can sense myself falling into incoherence.



Examples of increasingly sad things gracing the end of this year:

* this crazy saga about Shaykh Hamza being slandered as a racist. It is ridiculous and enraging. People will just say whatever and good luck to you in the afterlife, I say. When I'd heard that Mehdi Hassan was going to interview Shaykh Hamza at RIS I was so thrilled! and then agonized because uh, one has to like pay ++money to watch it live and even then I wouldn't be free at said timing anyway. But then, the next thing I knew, there were claims that he made racist remarks -- like what?! Subhanallah... This man has no racist bone in his body. People should learn to understand the bigger picture and the overall message conveyed rather than nitpick at isolated comments. Open-mindedness is key. And he apologised and everything! And admitted that it sounded insensitive. And still all the accusations are rife.

I just -- sometimes my heart feels like it's so compressed, it'll just flatline from all the ache.

* the end of Running Man next week. Another unbelievable, shocking saga that led to the abrupt decision to end the most successful Korean variety show ever. The crazy production team, thinking to inject some fresh change to the dynamic of the show, attempted to remove Ji Hyo and Jong Kook from the team, without consulting them or any of the main cast (STUPIDEST MOVE EVER) -- which led to a crazy explosion of fury among fans and cast members alike -- and then the main cast all decided to call it quits together. Which I have to say is awesome. I love them all. It was bad enough when Gary left barely two months ago! I actually cried at the end of his last episode. I think that was an omen of things to come.

Kwang Soo recently won a Top Excellence Award for Variety Show

 and his speech was especially heart-breaking knowing that Running Man, 

which catapulted him into international stardom, was ending.

* my sis had told me about this amazing Malaysian girl and her husband, who were the epitome of a true love story -- she was fighting cancer and they'd married anyway. And this wonderful lady had personally served as such an inspiration for my sister and her own difficulties -- and we'd learnt she passed away just yesterday, on her wedding anniversary, which also happened to be her husband's birthday. I literally cannot stop tearing when I think of her. She was such a beautiful person and I didn't even know her personally.

* and then I personally did something for myself that was seemingly a small move, but is now pushing me to the brink of tears every other moment. I am working hard to hold myself together.




Ya Allah, please please please make the end of next year much happier than this one. For all of us.

Today was a good day --

(i) I officially passed my SPOT fussy eater clinic! whooooooooooo! and essentially, this put the rest of my day into a good mood. And then I only had two kids in the PM -- so documentation was complete before 5PM and I could pray even before the day was done. After that, L and me went out for a cafe dinner we've been planning for weeks -- the pasta was good -- and we had cake to celebrate my passing SPOT and the fact that I will very soon be finishing my bond. Unbelievable that I've been a speechie for four years now.

Yay, Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah for small victories.

(ii) Nutella banana cake was awesome.

(iii) I came home to a wonderful but super belated birthday card that came via snail-mail from S in Australia (I have too many friends whose names start with S). Reminiscing on old times we had in common, and the fact that she still treasures our friendship, warms my heart.

I do believe that a true connection lasts forever, whether or not one keeps in touch.



Dear God, help me see the beauty in the everyday simple and seemingly mundane.

Datin S is back on the sunny island that she so misses
and she wanted to watch La La Land so we did,
and what a great movie choice we made.

This story spoke to my heart.

I felt like it was made for me.

When this song played,

I was streaming tears like a broken pipe.

This movie was beautiful. 

Really really really.

It's one of those things that are to be felt and experienced,

and cannot be fully explained.

Here's to the ones who dream

Foolish as they may seem

Here's to the hearts that ache

Here's to the mess we make

Something small but miraculous happened tonight.



I was sitting with M at our typical gathering, and at the end of it, I told her, just by way of conversation, that we'd bumped into her daughter W earlier that day while we were out shopping. To my surprise (although she so often becomes tearful it shouldn't be too surprising), this quite suddenly brought on a torrent of tears. Apparently, she'd been waiting to hear about her estranged daughter, and had been praying hard all week. It promptly became a crying fest between the two of us as she related though tears how she'd been desperate for any news of W, and that just my telling her that I'd seen W proved that Allah had heard her prayers. "Now I'm happy. Tonight I can sleep."


It's certainly wonderful and inexplicably amazing to have one's prayers answered.

I'm feeling though, that being part of the reason someone else's prayers are answered,
is equally wonderful all on its own. If only to witness how God listens.


Thank You. I've been feeling low and cast-aside -- but this; it feels like I'm forgiven.

I dropped by a mosque this evening to do my prayers,
before I went on for my Arabic class.

And I was hearing snippets of the sermon that was taking place.


My goodness, my ears started burning with anger.
Just -- the way he spoke about women!

I cannot recall word for word what was said obviously (because that is notoriously not how my memory works). But I do remember the general gist of it being good women defined as nice, domesticated, and taking care of their husbands, as if that was the entirety of a woman's existence. Thank you for alienating women like me.

It did not help that earlier that morning on the way to work, I was listening to clips of talks by a speaker I generally respected -- but then he spoke some about marriage, and started saying things like: Unfortunately, if women waited to complete their university degrees and then think about marriage, they can only hope to get second-rate offers from men (i.e. as second wives, or from men who were childless -- like what is that even). Apparently, he believed that it was one or the other -- you choose your degree or you choose marriage. It's very difficult to have both; if you choose degree then you would have missed the age of marriage. He did provide a caveat in that it was not impossible, but it was difficult.



Ya Rasulullah, these men, I don't care how much knowledge they supposedly have. They claim to follow you, but they know so little of how much you champion women. And truly, if I didn't have you, my heart would be in pieces. They forget that the first woman you married was 15 years your senior, and a business woman at that. They forget that of all the women you married, only one was a young virgin. They forget how much you love women.

And if they had any part of the heart you have,
they wouldn't have made one of their own Muslimah
feel so small and unworthy a woman.

Excuse me, this is a fangirling outtake (:


It's a great week to be a fan. I just realised this. Because seriously major things happened in my fandoms --

* apparently it is confirmed that there will be a Lymond television series. This news still intermittently makes me hyperventilate, ohmygoodness, hahaha. I really didn't think this would ever happen. Because while yes, Lymond has a loyal fan-base, we are extremely tiny, extremely, extremely tiny. I swear, there must be like less than 30 persons on tumblr just reblogging each other's stuffs. Sure, we have serious, much older readers who obviously don't do tumblr, but you know -- when there's no strong collective, there's no traction. So I just didn't think any production company would pick it up.

And do you know how obscure Lymond is? (Then again, Mammoth Screens that has signed a deal for Lymond has had a history of adapting good and not necessarily popular classics I think, hmmm.) Even if Lymond gains attention, I think only a fraction of the audience will ever get through the first book! It's so hard to read. I'm trying not to be elitist here, but I can generally tell if you'll be able to get through Lymond or not -- you have to be a serious reader. I have lent it to persons and they haven't been able to get through it and then they fail to understand the awesomeness of it.

The general sentiment of our tiny fandom is extreme excitement coupled with fear -- because how can any television adaptation give justice to this complex and rich story?

* BTS has been winning a pile of awards since the release of Wings in October, and then they won a big Asian Artist of the Year Award just a day or two ago -- and omgosh, I have been a fan only maybe for 6 months, but how much I love them is so unexpected. It's like -- my love for Big Bang and Arashi in the past is only to prepare me for loving BTS now. It's ridiculous. Watch them, I really think they're not done conquering the music scene yet. People are still comparing them to other kpop acts, but I shall venture to say that they are different and will slowly stand on their own, the way Big Bang did. The fervour they are eliciting on a worldwide scale is pretty much unseen before, with respect to a korean musical group.

I have this theory -- and it's why I keep quoting Big Bang and Arashi. Big Bang is super talented, G-Dragon as leader especially is seriously one of a kind (pun intended, haha!), so that guarantees somewhat, that Big Bang will always have that respected spot at the top of the music scene. But Big Bang, does not have the magic of Arashi. There's just something about Arashi: it's really not their music so much as a love and a kinship that they engender in fans that really starts to transcend. People love Arashi together; all five of them bantering and working and performing has kind of an inspirational quality. People love the friendship between them, and the genuine passion and sincerity that shines through, and that is something you cannot really manufacture. This ineffable quality really shouldn't be underestimated -- because it is the reason Arashi is loved so well in Japan (excuse the rest of the world because Japanese media does not market itself well -- and despite that Arashi did enjoy a lot of fan love globally). You have little kiddies who love Arashi as well as 80-year-old grandmas who adore them as well. And of course, everyone else in between. It is phenomenal.

Now, BTS, appears to me to have both of these elements. Maybe not yet grown to the level exemplified by Big Bang or Arashi, but they have it. And the prospect of this potent combination of talent and genuine kinship with fans really truly excites me. We have seriously talented boys in this group -- what with that brain of Rap Monster leading the pack with all that songwriting and composition, and Suga's crazy lyric and rapping skills (I mean, I know close to nothing about rap, but whatever he does is pretty much mesmerising), and J-Hope's unbelievable dancing, and Jung Kook's amazing voice (that almost had him win on another contest all by himself!) -- I won't list each one of them, but they're each very talented in their own unique way. Big Bang has this too -- you could take any one of them out and they could potentially be successful solo acts. It's amazing to put equally talented persons all in one group.

At the same time, ohmygosh, these boys are really boys, and they clearly love each other like brothers. There's a camaraderie, or beyond that really, a deep connection, between all of them that really shines through. People love it. Their production company, deliberately or not, showcases this to fans via their ingenious youtube channel called Bangtan Bombs, and it is gold. It is hitting jackpot. Fans start to really see that dynamic between the members and love them far beyond the music. I see it -- the gifs on tumblr, the adoration of the members in all their goofiness, the nicknaming of the boys as though they're your friends. It's amazing -- and I saw this with Arashi too. A common fan exclamation is, "They make me so happy!"

And that's why I love them so hard.

This song --

while on the bus ride home today,

I realised how beautiful it is.

my heart feels ache-y and hopeful all at once.

it's my song of the moment.

are we all lost stars,

trying to light up the dark...

This is lovely.

Loneliness is simply a price we have to pay

for holding on to a sincere, ambitious view

of what companionship must and could be.

This is from the famous School of Life. I remember coming across a whole corner of The School of Life merchandise at Harrods in London earlier this year, and gushing over everything. The sales attendant was amused.

I just might one day, take off, and go attend random classes around the world.

This is so good.

I really, really am so awed by his amazing attitude.

A lot of us live by societal expectations or by fear, and the rules they impose on us;

he says, think again, question it, is it real.

Anybody who feels crummy, or terrible, or when life sucks --

just watch this and get some inspiration.

This reminds me of another example we read from our book club text, The Element.

In October 1931, a 12-year-old John Wilson had a Bunsen burner accident during a practical lab session at school and was subsequently blinded for life. His parents were understandably distraught. His attitude to life however was nothing short of superb. He swiftly went on to learn Braille, went to an esteemed school for the blind, Worcester College, and excelled as student, rower, swimmer, actor, musician and orator. Then subsequently studied law at Oxford, worked at the National Institute for the Blind, formed the British Empire Society for the Blind (now called Sight Savers International), helped in organizing inoculation of children in Ghana against blindness-causing insect bites, led his organization in conducting millions of cataract operations, dispensed millions of doses of Vitamin A to prevent childhood blindness, and distributed braille study packs to afflicted people throughout Africa and Asia. And he had said, "It did not strike even then (at 12 years old) as a tragedy."



This is one of those moments, you ask yourself, What's your excuse?

Finally watched Oliver Stone's Snowden last night -- 

it was so gripping, despite my having known the story anyway. 

Also, knowing that this is a true story in relatively recent times -- 

makes it that much more exciting.

So cool, really.

!!!

I remember writing once -- and believe me, the epiphanies one can get with writing -- that courage is a muscle. It really is true, isn't it? And this story is another one; the first time you encounter something, it bugs you, but you're afraid because you can't be the only one thinking this or wanting to do this or what if you're wrong. All these just rush through your head, you know? But then as your principles are accosted again and again, and you do that little bit more and little bit more to be brave -- and then you realise, one day, you really are brave enough.

I love that there are such awesome people in the world. Alive today. You know, that they're not all dead and in books.

I wonder if I'll ever get to posting this. It's grown to become a great boulder in my mind, and a burden that's getting heavier and heavier, and I just need to let it out -- but obviously, I have major issues hence the incessant procrastination and oh god --

will I do it. should I just do it.

I've been sitting at this table the whole night task-avoiding by myself; gosh I am such a weirdo -- but in some very deep, certain way, I know I should do this, so the better part of me is forcing me to do this, because otherwise I will be stuck here forever. And oh god, haven't I been stuck here forever as it is --

Goodness, you are probably wondering what on earth S is going on about (with the exception of Datin S who knows that I have been actually agonizing about this for days and days, and months in fact, and I was supposed to get it out while winding down in Seremban, Taman Bukit Blossom, but I had such a mind/heart block that I couldn't and now I'm back in SG) and here I am still procrastinating.



My dear sir. Man. Friend. See, I don't even know -- what the.

History keeps repeating itself, and here I am again, doing something I didn't think I would do again. But I honestly just am at a loss, and this place is where I strive to be authentic, and believe it or not, my skirting this thing on my blog is me being inauthentic, so here I am sort of addressing you but really, this is me just trying to be... real? true? authentic? and getting it out.


How many people have I already confused here.




I have been standing at your door. I'm still standing at your door. When we were younger, having determined my unwanted position, I tried to walk away -- that was when that email came out of the blue (recalling my younger self makes me cringe) -- and for a while I thought I succeeded, but before I knew it, I was where I was before. Still at your door. Since then, I don't know, I don't think I have budged. I have tried. You gave me very good reasons, verbally or otherwise. I gave myself very good reasons. But I am still here.

I have now long given up on trying to make sense of this, of myself. I stopped talking to my friends about it because I didn't need them to tell me I was being stupid; I knew it myself. A common refrain I had for myself: S, you are all levels of stupid. But while it used to be spoken typically in anger and anguish, I have learnt to speak it in loving exasperation.

I have decided to trust my heart. For reasons I cannot comprehend, it has remained stubbornly at your door. Fighting it hadn't worked (and why was I fighting, anyway? okay, S, that's another psychoanalysis for another day) so I'm trying to do this follow-the-lead thing that I often do in therapy with the kids. You know how when you trust something and follow its lead, some nice fine day, it takes its turn and acknowledges you instead -- that's what I'm doing. I will trust myself, until some day, a solution presents itself to me.

None of this mentions what you're doing at the other side of the door. I've always known I have no control over that. You could be ignoring me, you could be utterly clueless (which then hopefully means your eyes shall never lay on this blog post to begin with), you could be secretly pleased and reveling in this, you could think I'm the silliest thing that's graced your doorstep. Or... you could be standing and waiting just as I am. Or keeping the door closed for unknown reasons. I honestly don't know. And I have never asked nor demanded to know -- have I?

I just know, rationally, I can't be standing at this door forever. Please, S, don't. Though that's no guarantee that I won't, looking at the history of my stubbornness. I get the sense that this might stress you out; the last thing I want is for you to open a door you don't want opened. If I wanted, I would have banged down the door already. I am fine. I'll just hang out here by your door, until I'm certain of what I need to do. I'm just saying I don't know how long that'll take...

Unless you do want to open the door. In which case I'll be here for a while still, I think. I care too much about what goes on on the other side.



And now I will put a stop to my butchering this door metaphor to death. Enough, S.

... the good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination. The destination is that selected by the total organism, when there is psychological freedom to move in any direction.

(Carl) Roger's view was that the good life is not an outcome to be achieved, once and for all, but rather it is a process that we are constantly engaged with and are continually moving towards when we are the authors of our own lives. Rogers described the directions taken by people as they become more fully functioning. These include movement:

• Away from facades
• Away from oughts
• Away from meeting expectations
• Away from pleasing others
• Towards self-direction
• Towards openness to experience
• Towards acceptance of others
• Towards trusting oneself

In these ways we become free to move in a new direction that is most authentic to us.

-- Professor Stephen Joseph, Authentic: How to Be Yourself and Why It Matters

I am in Seremban.

Datin S is making thosai downstairs in the kitchen.

She tells me I should sleep cause it’s holiday, but I just watched Clinton’s concession speech and it made me non-stop cry. I didn’t think I would be so affected but it is a difficult time. The world is a difficult place; but you know what, maybe the world always has been. Sometimes, we just see it clearer, sometimes we forget. We always have a tendency to whitewash the past.

8 years ago fresh into adulthood, I remember E and I chatting away excitedly about Obama, so happy to move on from Bush. And today, this.

Okay, no, I came down and Datin S was just reading, her dad was in the kitchen -- we had appam! Hehe, with coconut milk -- and it was so good. Oh dear, I think I am going to crave this for breakfast back in SG. I feel like I am on an immersion program, Indian-Malaysian version.

So this was in Datin S's room --

(very in character)

We travel not to escape life,

but for life not to escape us.

:)

Will find a time to post again --

this is an entirely chill and laid-back holiday

and it's a ripe time for me to lay out my thoughts again proper.

Sometimes the best posts are made on a whim, on that flash of inspiration, rather than painstakingly thought over, and planned. I have something I've been meaning to post about, but that's for another day. This, this right now is on a whim while I fight sleepiness on a worknight after watching an episode of Scarlet Heart (i.e. the only Korean drama I'm following now; my current kdrama phase seems to be waning -- yes, probably a good thing).

I bumped into S = Shweta on Gchat -- which never happens because I don't even know Gchat is a platform I appear on -- but hey, how wonderful it is to bump into beautiful people I have loved. It makes me think of all the wonderful people I've known in my life and how I don't have the luxury of having all of them with me. My heart aches just a little now. For friends who used to be close but now aren't.

Datin S, you better not be another one of my friends I will lose because of the distance between us. We are only an hour away by plane, okay; it's no excuse.

Isn't it funny who ends up in our lives.





A random thing tonight -- my dad told me he met up with his Arabic teacher and they got to talking about Shaykh Hamza for some reason, and the teacher said, Oh, he's a good friend of mine who comes to visit me at Darul Arqam! And my dad was all like, If he comes again, tell him my daughter wants to meet him.

O.O What is my father doing. Anyway, huh, what do you mean Shaykh Hamza comes to Singapore every so often. Are you kidding me. And uh, I would probably be somewhat awestruck if I ever meet him --

but after that I'll compile a list of questions for him to answer, hehe. Too many times I've come across a situation and felt frustrated about the way people think about things, and then wondered what Shaykh Hamza would have said about it instead. I suppose this is what happens when you really value someone's opinion.


--

Some more randomness from today:

If Harry Potter was anime! hehe this was so funny to share with friends.

E: I thought that Dumbledore would be drawn as a cutesy old person. 

But he was a cutesy kindergartener HAHA.

This was such a nice vlog to watch because ohmygosh, older BTS fans, yesss. 

For a while I was going through a crisis wondering if I was the only overgrown woman loving this boyband -- but no. They are clearly marking themselves as legitimate musical artists that attract people of all ages. And that's the mark of great art, eh -- transcending language, people, ages, and genders (see: Harry Potter as classic example).

Overheard from an upset parent as I passed the hospital waiting area on the way to lunch:

I'm willing to pay more but the system is crazy!

And my poor frontline colleagues were steadily listening in submission. Ahah -- I feel you, my dear clients. Tell me about it. It seems that all my adult life thus far, I've been railing against systems. Systems are a pain -- we're all mired in it; they restrict movement, put rules at every juncture, place inexplicable barriers to our objectives. But I'm learning to understand and accept: zero systems means anarchy -- and we can't have that either, can we? I suppose... it's another one of those things in life we just have to constantly struggle with for that elusive, ideal middle ground.





I've fallen in love with a little boy A at work. Love at first sight is true; people who tell you otherwise simply never experienced it for themselves. The first time I saw him in his caged cot, he already struck me as different -- probably because most kids I have to see are never this responsive, this aware and cognizant, this bright. He watched me as I approached and when I brought down the side of his cot, he went cutely in surprise, "Eh, boleh buka?" From then on, he just sunk his hooks deeper in me. Yes, he isn't great with his language but it's really thanks to the terrible family history of his young life; otherwise though, he just strikes me as being incredibly socially and emotionally aware. And just really independent. Like at some level, he seems to know he's on his own; god knows where mummy and daddy are, and grandma kinda pops by only occasionally out of the blue... I've never seen her for myself. But he's happy enough. Not overtly clingy to any particular person, not crying or fussing; just happily hanging around the ward that has been his home for a while now.

Twice now, after a therapy session, I return "home" with him, and it's the only time he fusses and cries -- not wanting to be put back into his caged cot. Because which human being, much less a healthy four-year-old, would want to be caged up in a little bed. So then I concede that we would sit at the play area for a while as I complete documentation and he looks out the window at the birds and cars.

He reminds me of my favourite fictional kids. He reminds me of Alex from The Boy Who Could See Demons (which woohoo! is our next text for book club hehe). He reminds me of Khaireddin from Lymond. This boy has grown on me, and I half-fantasize adopting him. Heartbreakingly, he's leaving for a step-down hospital all too soon, to wait for foster care. I understand now -- this is why some of my colleagues end up visiting community hospitals in their free time.

because kids like these -- gems.

It takes courage to face up to ourselves, 
humility to accept what we learn about ourselves, 
and discipline to take action.

-- Stephen Joseph, Authentic: How to be yourself and why it matters

God, help me have all three of these (and especially the last, which I'm sorely lacking) 

so that I can keep growing to be a better person.

Had an extremely crummy day --

had this rather timely reminder that it's ok not to be perfect:

God, help me keep living every day brave and hopeful.

ahhhh, crummy day, crummy crummy crummy.
What was it that I heard recently -- when you're sad, you doubt everything.

Some days I feel tired, sad, unreasonable,
and wish I could get a windfall.
Can something awesome just fall into my lap, please.

excuse my whining, but why do so many things have to be so hard.


Watching this video about girls who code makes me nostalgic about my youthful undergraduate years, going crazy about programming. Sitting up literally all night (and pretending to sleep when my grandma woke up in the morning haha) trying to get a code right -- and although I was in pieces and sometimes in tears -- I think there was an exhilaration in the task; I love solving puzzles. Nowadays, I wish I could get into a problem proper to crack it proper instead of having to work like a stupid cog in a stupid machine, and just keep moving, moving, moving, instead of really solving things. The frustration builds slowly day by day... I really hope I don't explode at some point.

this is just immaturity boggling at the sad face of failure.

tomorrow I'll be bright as a bedbug again.

I'm not able to stop yet; these songs sound beautiful --

I'm loving V's Stigma a lot now!

BTS dropped their WINGS album ~24 hours ago. yaysssss.

I didn't want to post, really, but I can't help it;
when you love, you love.
Jin's Awake is my favourite so far.
Although it's a matter of time my ear jumps to another track.

Maybe I, I can never fly,

Like those flower petals there,

Wings, like other things, are impossible.

Maybe I, I can't touch the sky;

But even so, I want to stretch out my hand,

I want to try to run, just a little more.

Despite being a Monday, today was lovely -- partly because above, hehe. Partly because my mummy came home from the hospital today after her knee surgery and is recuperating well yay (: Partly because it's E's birthday -- and she must be having such an awesome time halfway across the globe in some beautiful exotic place. Partly because the work day was superb -- it is rare to have such ample time to settle admin and backlog (and I can't believe I'm happy cause of such a thing, how kental am I). Partly because I love my family and I'm happy that I can reflect on this and be grateful.

Partly because as we spend the few days over the weekend at the hospital (playing insane board games and basically receiving guests every other hour), I realise how things fall nicely in place when one trusts in God. We hear this cliche all the time, but cliches are true, deshou? I see it in little things in every day life, Alhamdulillah.

And I'm telling myself, S, as always, trust God for the big things too.

oomggggg what did I just watch hahaha.....

but riiiight, the more I think on it,

the more awesome I think it is and the more I love it.

The story is set in a dystopian future where being single is literally against the law

and one is given a deadline to find love or be turned into an animal. (HAHA, I know right, whutttt.)

This is one of the weirdest movies I've ever seen

but is actually such excellent commentary on love, relationships, and society;

I'm like,

Yessssssssss, my sentiments exactly.

Happy Muharram 1438! It's the Muslim New Year --

and I think rather than list down all the gazillion resolutions I have, I will focus on one. And hopefully, succeeding in one area, then spills over to other areas of life. (Something I am realising the parallels of as I do more articulation therapy hmmm)

Goal: Physically tidying up my space via the KonMari method.


Yes, I have hoarded yet another book (The Life-changing Magic of Tidying by Marie Kondo) but insya Allah, this hoarding behaviour will end after I successfully implement the KonMari way for myself. My space at home has been significantly better since a year ago when we finally revamped our house and threw out a range of ridiculous and useless possessions; but I think it can be even better. Occasionally, clutter does still accumulate in certain corners of my room, and I know there are things at the corner of my spaces I don't know of or have forgotten they exist. That bugs me now. I don't want to have redundant, poorly utilised spaces. What are those things? Why haven't I used them? Why have they been shoved away? We should only keep with us those things we love; everything else is a distraction -- so KonMari says.

The fact that I can't easily take stock of my possessions makes me forget to do so many of the things I know I want to do. The number of books I have and the related number of things I thought I wanted to do have been sitting there year after year -- come on, S.


Cleaning outwardly,
Purifying inwardly.
Clearer goals,
Not losing sight of them amidst clutter.


When a room becomes cluttered, the cause is more than just physical. Visible mess helps distract us from the true source of the disorder. The art of cluttering is really an instinctive reflex that draws our attention away from the heart of an issue. If you can't feel relaxed in a clean and tidy room, try confronting your feeling of anxiety. It may shed light on what is really bothering you. When your room is clean and uncluttered, you have no choice but to examine your inner state. You can see any issues you have been avoiding and are forced to deal with them. From the moment you start tidying, you will be compelled to reset your life. As a result, your life will start to change. That's why the task of putting your house in order should be done quickly. It allows you to confront the issues that are really important. Tidying is just a tool, not the final destination. The true goal should be to establish the lifestyle you want most once your house has been put in order.

-- Marie Kondo

I have another Arabic test tomorrow -- completely unprepared for;

because I really can't seem to squeeze in study time in between the other necessarys of life.

incessant discipline problem.

S, these are words of advice... 

given by Mudaris haha, because he is random.

your life is not a korean drama.

chillllll.

Outside, "reality" existed; outside there were streets and houses, people and their institutions, libraries and lecture halls -- but in here there was love, soul; here, fairy tale and dream dwelt. And yet our life was by no means cut off from the world, in our thoughts and conversations we often lived right in the midst of it, but on another plane; we were separated from the majority of people not by frontiers but merely by a different way of seeing.

-- Demian: The Story of Emil Sinclair's Youth

Herman Hesse

1919

This speaks to me so much right now. This is my dream future.





Outside of the fact that I have sped through this book on account of BTS; on its own, it really resonates with the psyche's inner voice (well, at least with mine).

Kim Namjoon, you boy genius, how did a bookworm like you end up in a boyband.
You're making waves.

This book is intensely introspective, philosophical, and both reverent and irreverent of the sacred at the same time. He exalts Jesus, as well as Nietzsche; the message appears to be: it doesn't matter what you believe at the moment -- as long as you continue to sincerely seek truth, and grow.

Anticipating the music album now.

Subhanallah.

After today -- supposed to be an off day -- my head aches.

When you hear about the shocking lives of other people; the crazy problems they have; the irrational and completely silly things people do; the lack of simple virtues. I'm like, whyyyyyyyyy. Why are there such people in the world. What's happening.

And then, I'm thinking, Alhamdulillah. In comparison, I think I am a fairly decent human being. Insya Allah, Allah and Rasul s.a.w. guide me always. I am in need of Your Guidance.

All I worry about are stupid silly things like clinic training tomorrow (Again! GAHHHH -- whatever, S, just do it. So what if you're not great at it yet; insya Allah, some day you will be.) And whether I'm wasting my heart away as a single woman -- but looking at the state of things, never mind lah. My worries are peanuts. 

Some day, when I get married, it will be with my whole heart and mind, insya Allah. Anything less appears to lead down a crazy road.

I actually have an arabic test tomorrow and I need to study! But I need to post something first -- because so upset.

And I need to assure myself so...


S, don't worry; here are why being an idealist is awesome:

- you believe in a world of possibilities, not stuck in the mundane and now

- you are brave because you dare to give up something tangible for something possible (hence the cliched phrase daring to dream)

- you have hope in the bleakest and most dire of situations; some people then say, that's too idealistic! well boohoo to you, you give up, I haven't.

- being able to do all of the above means you have an amazing imagination; be thankful for a great mind

- you inspire others; because you earnestly and honestly believe in something bigger, in miracles even. you need idealism to be a therapist. (I especially hate hearing some therapists say things like, "this one cannot make it lah." ohmygod, shut up!)

- you have chosen the harder path; it's not stupid, it's brave. you're not stupid, you're strong. the people who put you down only reflect how weak and cowardly they are.

- you are willing to make sacrifices for your ideals

- someone who holds to ideals is someone with scruples; why would anyone want to be otherwise?



As E and I often lament, people fail to put rigour into their thought process; it is infuriating. I am also reminded of Imam Ghazali, from one of Shaykh Hamza's lectures, who always felt that people rarely brought their arguments to their absolute and final conclusions -- because if they did, they would find truth.

The rain and the lack of umbrellas
resulted in an unexpected impromptu tea time with Datin S after work today.
More days should be like this.

The talk flowed over everything. Into everything.



Like the fact that I had to confess my love for BTS; they have me wishing I was 10 years younger so that I can be a proper fangirl -- I'm almost 30 and I can't help but be impressed. As far as I can tell, this group is almost perfect. I am not new to boy bands. I grew up with them. I have loved them. There was NEWS. There was Yamapi and the rest of the entourage that was JE. There was Arashi. and Big Bang. and being distantly appreciative of DBSK.

But this group, objectively-speaking (as much as I can be that is haha), has the potent combination of an Arashi-dynamic and Big Bang-quality art and music; and then they went and added one more unprecedented element that sealed my love for them -- their music incorporates literature. I am almost rendered speechless; how can so much awesome be wrapped up in one unit.

The first time, I had to keep replaying a rap segment in disbelief -- I was like, did I hear that right? Did Murakami's Kafka on the Shore just appear in a kpop song? 

and this under-rated short poetic one here --

And now, it appears that an entire album of songs will be based on the themes of Herman Hesse's 1919 psychoanalytical semi-autobiography, Demian -- that is now safely downloaded onto my Kindle. How awesome is this. How is it that a musical act is making me read a book? I wish so much that they were here when I was 19.

The level of symbolism that is in these videos 

(i.e. concept trailers of their upcoming album release)...

O.O

I was going to do a rant and lament about the bleakness of some things, post-endless discussions with E this past Sunday --

but then I feel so tired, and sad --

so I think I'd rather post these instead.


"No matter how big your problems may be,
just place them underneath your feet,
do not leave them in your mind and your heart,
for every problem will surely depart."
-- Shaikh Omar Al-Khatib

Selawat Fatih
Oh Allah, bestow Your Blessings upon our master, 
Muhammad, the one who opens that which is locked,
and the Seal of what had gone before,
the helper of the Truth by the the Truth,
and the guide to Your Straight Path.
Allah's blessings be upon him and his family,
equal to his immense position and grandeur.


N had passed little compendiums of daily prayers around our Arabic class this past Sunday. (because A had asked if she had anything good for her to recite, trying to deal with terrible colleagues and office politics)

Can I digress a little and say how much I love my Arabic class -- It's going on four years now (almost) and everyone is just so quietly dedicated, tolerant, sweet, supportive, and fun. And at the end of the previous class, I went around to every lady classmate and asked if they were gonna continue on for the diploma -- and it looks like a yes -- please God. I instigated each one of them: continue, okay? we need a complete class to keep this going!




Ya Rasulullah, thinking of you puts a coolness and calmness in my heart.
Let me rely on you.

I've been recalling lately, what one of my friends off-handedly said about me, whilst we were deep in our book club discussions --

(and let me quickly proclaim here how much a book club reveals about your friends: things you'd never think to discuss; their deep-seated fears, hopes, and beliefs; their dreams; their opinions of you)



I was trying to explain why our views were different: she was obviously the most practical out of all of us and I conceded that I was very impractical and on the other end of the spectrum, hence our varying outlooks.

then she said, "you're not impractical, you're whimsical!"

she didn't even think I belonged on the spectrum.

I was like, "I'm not even on the spectrum of normal??? How can I not be on the spectrum!"


And then on some days, yes, I see why I am a Nodame.

:(

Ah well, S.

If Nodame can be happy and achieve great things, you can too.

nutso Nodame! hahaha.

W on Fire

saw this on my tumblr dashboard while at work

and could barely stop from laughing out loud.

ahhhh, when obsessions collide...

this is perfect.

life is a sincere plodding along...

Thank You for putting wonderful people around me,

who help me as I plod along.

Feeling kind of good cause training didn't go too badly today

and I'm rediscovering my tenacity -- yes, let's not give up, S.

You can't get better if you don't suck in the first place.

I wanted to refrain from flooding this place with all things korean entertainment --

but I've been revisiting my first kpop love
(and their top 10 must-listen songs -- with my favourite of all time, Haru Haru, at the top);

and this one here is just too beautiful not to keep.

amazing.

And this one's just so ridiculously good, I can't even --

W ftw!

ohmygoodness, W, what are you doing to all of us kdrama viewers!

we can barely hold ourselves together!

I immediately visited tumblr the moment I finished the latest episode,

and yes, I agree with this gif that some people have been sharing; 

this is how I look like after every new W episode:

Luckily I am home-alone tonight (sad life of a workaholic-but-actually-kdrama-binger)

so I was exclaiming like crazy over the screen without any qualms.

I am trying to be less incoherent and explain what W is all about to my non-kdrama friends, 

but seriously, I was not kidding when I say I don't know how to begin describing it 

to encapsulate everything that it is.

SPOILER

Okay, so here's the deal:

We have our female lead, Oh Yeon Joo, a doctor whose dad, Oh Seung Moo, is the creator of a famous comic series called W. In the first episode, we see that Dad is somewhat depressed and apparently wants to just quit his work and stop drawing cartoons; he attempts to kill off everyone's favourite hero in the comic, Kang Chul, so that his comic series will end. (It's like Rowling just letting Harry die while Voldemort lives on, or Dunnett letting Lymond die without vindication -- I would not be able to cope ahah.) Except that Kang Chul would not die. This is where Yeon Joo, for some mysterious reason or other, keeps getting sucked into the universe of W the comic, and ends up always saving Kang Chul, whilst her dad keeps trying to kill him instead! The comic storyline keeps changing of its own accord while Yeon Joo has her adventures with Kang Chul, and Seung Moo cannot do anything about it.

As the drama progresses, we learn that Seung Moo did not initially want to kill Kang Chul; but that he had gradually become afraid of the lack of control over the direction of his story. His story has been acting weird for a while now and he wants to end it. There's a memorable piece from the first episode that I'm remembering now: a quote that goes something like "kill your creation before it overwhelms and kills you".

Yeon Joo starts spending longer and longer in the world of the comic W, and she knows it's crazy, and she knows Kang Chul is a comic character, and soon enough even our intelligent hero learns that he is a comic character -- but heck care to the logic -- we have an OTP, whoooo! 

I forget to mention that Kang Chul's life story, i.e. the main plot of W the comic, is a revenge-laden one: he' an ex-Olympic sharpshooter but now a rich-eligible-billionaire on a quest to find the man who murdered his entire family when he was young. 

So then -- there's a murderer on the loose! AND GAH. I will stop here because I don't have the energy to explain anymore how Yeon Joo, despite being from the real world, is in danger of being killed by this crazy murderer -- who also by the way, comes to the real world and starts revolting against Seung Moo his creator for wanting to end the comic too. Also, did I mention that Seung Moo himself, as the creator, did not have in mind who he wanted as the murderer in his story? Basically, there is a scary faceless, Nazgul-type cloaked villain, walking around in both worlds. And we have Kang Chul still trying to be hero -- my mind is blown away constantly at every step in this story.

THIS STORY IS NUTS but I am loving it. 

Kdrama-watchers are lapping this up because we HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THIS IS GOING 

and it scares the frak out of all of us. 

so much love for this story right now.

So the whole of Singapore has been talking about Schooling and his gold medal since morning.

On the way to work, the cab driver was all, 

"Eh, the hospital got TV or not? 9 o'clock you all must stop work and watch!"

When my parent participants started strolling in for the workshop, 

all of them were super excited,

and all we could talk about was Schooling;

so we watched it on Toggle together.

And screamed together when he won!

Honestly, I probably wouldn't have witnessed it if I wasn't running this workshop.

Which makes me extra sad that next week is the last week; I actually will be very happy to have my Saturdays back, but -- this was a wonderful workshop run. And I do love love love working with parents and their kids, because parent education is actually number one when it comes to making a change in children's lives. It's so great to have parents really get it, you know -- how speech therapy works, and how they can be empowered to help.


On a fairly separate note:

God, help me be brave and strong and continue to strive to goodness regardless of the reality of my situation. Amin.

current kpop obsession BTS led me to this

unbelievable video of a dance cover by a Taekwando group:

BTS themselves dancing already so awesome I basically repeat-watch one million times.

but this this this this.

This is jaw-dropping.

And here I am, clumsily bumping into door frames

and tripping over my feet for no rhyme or reason.

In another life,

I want to be a martial artist and a dancer.

guhhhhhh.

W for awesome

My pattern in recent times has been this: work, work, work, korean drama, sleep, work, work, work, korean drama, homework, sleep, work, work, work, korean drama, homework, sleep, work, work, work, work, work, work.

It's terrible, I know, but that's what's it been like, mostly. Well, of course I exaggerate, and I do squeeze in occasional family get-togethers and friend meet-ups; but I feel a general interminable exhaustion. Work is like a mega big boulder on my shoulders right now -- and maybe, hopefully, when I pass my clinic training (insya Allah! because things seem to be going okay, Alhamdulillah~) and finish running my workshop, things will calm and I can return to some semblance of a decent human being.

Right now though, in between work, korean drama is my soma --

and can I please rave about W - Two Worlds: 

a drama so unprecedented in its awesomeness, I choke up.

It's fandom and meta and romance and action and mystery and dare I say, philosophy; 

and ohmygod twists at every corner, 

and ohmygod hilarious stuff that make me want to shriek out loud in laughter 

-- how do I summarise how this drama is.

Maybe these gifs can give an idea:

Our hero is a fictional character but our heroine is real, 

(but actually, you know they're both fictional -- ehehehhhh whutttt)

and our hero realises this at some point, discusses it and grapples with his existential crisis--

way to blow our minds, writers.

I am terrified of where this is supposed to go though, 

because unless there is some other mind-bending warp going around, 

I don't see how our hero and heroine can realise their OTP 

seeing as how they live in completely different worlds. 

(Ohmygoodness, this is bringing back memories of DM of my teenage years.)

This is an unsubbed clip (hopefully it will be subbed proper at some point!) 

but it's my absolute favourite bit from the drama so far

-- for the sheer amount of crack in it; ohmygod I couldn't stop laughing.

Here he tells her to choose which romance line 

they should make for the direction of the story now: 

(i) a cinderella-type romance complete with a fancy ball

(ii) going on a romantic trip 

(iii) every day slice of life romance

(iv) bold and strong x-rated romance

Hilarious and on-point series of reviews by a first-time reader of Lymond at Books, Booze, and Brunch:

The other thing that's so incredible about Dunnett's writing is that she never recycles an emotional punch. Each time she breaks your heart it's in a completely new way, even if it involves the same characters.

...

I was talking with another friend of mine who's also reading this series for the first time, and we were saying how it feels like we've spent our entire lives preparing to properly love Francis Crawford. I don't know if I can express it better than that, because I feel like this book just fully cracked open my heart.


yessss. I know I have a book club, and it's, insya Allah, expanding in good ways heheee, and I am excited ((: but the day when we discuss Lymond will be a milestone. Not to mention when I finally get to King Hereafter and the Niccolo series.

You know, people tag me as being a Harry Potter fan, which I am, yes, definitely -- but I am a fan of so many other things, not the least of which is Lymond (I mean, Lymond rivals Harry Potter at the top of the list, come on) -- and well, sometimes I get annoyed when people think they know me when they don't, thank you very much. Okay, I don't know where that came from :P

waiting on the clouds of goodness

I figured I should just sit and start typing. There are precious few moments when time coincides with mood, so I should just do it.

You know, I won't claim to be a writer. Professional writers earn money; I obviously don't. I write in obscurity. And I write without structure or aim. But I know what it feels like to write properly, and it's not about having time. Well, at least not just time alone. It's about time, and flow. It's about being in a mood, a certain frame of mind that allows the smooth channeling of thoughts into tangible words on a screen, on paper. And that flow, that mood -- it doesn't come on command.

Just earlier this week, I was talking over with a colleague about the apparent lack of time to enjoy my creative pursuits. Being the ISTJ-personality type (I have deduced heheh), she started breaking down my hours in the day for me, and proving to me that I have a good hour or two every day for doing whatever I wanted. (Which now, as I think on it, leaves my friends who are mothers zero time for themselves -- I don't blame them for never being able to blog about our books.) But see, what she failed to get is that -- I can't just plop down for 2 hours and then write. That hasn't been how I've written all the years before; I simmer, I kind of mull around by myself for hours, and then get into a mood, and then I write. And I write without concern for time, food, or persons. (Which is probably ridiculous...)

The problem then appears to be that my mind hasn't been in a reflective/writing mood for extended periods -- hence my lack of writing proper in general -- and results in the attrition of my general psychological well-being. Because my writing is the space I work through my confusing thoughts, my conflicting feelings, and life's heartaches and joys. Without it, I feel like I'm bottling up a whole jar of pain and unclarified ideas. How on earth do other people live life without doing this? Don't the rest of you all have messes inside your hearts and minds? Maybe some people just talk it out. Some people paint, or do comic art --

haha, oh heart.

So yes, I need to write. But I feel a pressure however, in some ways, not to. Like if I could only just be less dreamy, less drifty, less me perhaps -- I would be more accomplished, focused, goal-oriented.

Balance truly is the elusive ideal.


Anyway, the only reason I am posting today is because I am on sick leave and I actually have time on my hands. Again, time supposed to be better spent working on research proposals or studying for my clinic maybe, and time to rest -- but I needed to do this. To resume doing a little of this.

Last night, our ladies' gathering had a nice little sharing at one point that resulted in pretty much tears all round -- because we talked about how everyone has their own private challenges, but then never to despair because only the best of us are tested, and we are tested to the degree of our mettle and substance. And how can you even think that Allah and Rasul s.a.w. would ever abandon you? Ever, ever, ever. If we would only just think on that, everyone, we will all be okay, and stay strong, and be hopeful for the clouds of goodness waiting to rain on us some day.

:)

After the previous post, E unsurprisingly texted me: what's up with the emo!


... what can I do?

Late night posts -- and I only ever seem to get in a writing mood late at night -- inevitably have emotions running wild. It's when your brain starts to sleep and emotions awake, you see.

I have a rule for myself -- when things get posted, I never remove them (unless it ever comes to the point when an external party requests; guhhhhuh when would that ever be the case). I am a stickler for authenticity. Even if you may not feel like that now, you felt like that then. So don't deny the parts of you that are still you.


It's like that quote from George Bernard Shaw's Candida that stuck with me --

“Do you think that the things people make fools of themselves about are any less real and true than the things they behave sensibly about? They are more true: they are the only things that are true.”

Because they represent deep-seated stuff about you that you never reveal except at moments of unguardedness. I wish we could be all be more true, and less sensible.

And.... this has been a nice distraction!

words would limit this miasma in my heart
but if I don't attempt to give words to these intangibles, they will sit like poison inside.

Selamat Hari Raya!


Super late post -- but hey, it's still Syawal.

I've had a post simmering in my head for weeks, and had serious things to rant about, and some thoughtful things to share about, and heartaches to soothe -- but gah, I'm exhausted. And sometimes, the more I want to write, the bigger the imaginary draft is in my head, and the harder it appears for me to get to writing cause I keep waiting for a perfect window of time, but that window of time never seems to come!

For now, just let me blog list-like; the reasons I'm so exhausted include:

- Ongoing raya festivities, which is hey, a good thing, but stuffing oneself with food, and alternately stuffing other people with food is a time-consuming activity

- Hanen parent workshop just started i.e. I am working so many Saturdays I cry from lack of sleep; basically the rare Saturdays are the only times I get to sleep in and for now I don't anymore; and I find it so impossible to be disciplined about sleeping early, so basically I sleep so little -- I'm really endangering my eye and brain health if I keep this up.

- Training for a new feeding-related clinic also just started, ohgoshhhh. I want to do well at this. I'm actually feeling interested about the theory bit and that's always a good sign: because I'm the type to do really well at the stuff I like, and be completely crap at things I find boring, no matter if you tell me how important it is. So yes, I pray this turns out well, insya Allah.

- It's about two months in to my new Arabic classes that are scheduled Monday nights (on top of my consistent Sunday Arabic classes) -- and god, I am feeling the pain. What was I thinking, having a full-blown stressful class right after work. I do this to my own life, don't I? Why am I so stubborn and nutso. Why. why, S, why. Why do you frustrate even yourself, or more like, especially yourself. And now I am rambling and digressing from the topic of Arabic class so I shall stop.

- Projects we should be getting to but we keep stalling because of concurrent work and all of the above. Why do I feel like there's always one million things happening at once. (ohmygod, is my thyroid acting up.)


Barely two months out of the peaceful highlands and I am already yearning to be back.

And I'm still waiting for that perfect window of time so that I can blog-post my thoughts properly. Ah, me and my stubbornness, and my need for downtime.

this nice music video here though 

-- I'm revisiting old favourite dramas that are familiar and heartwarming, because investments in new dramas again require energy and time, and I'm short on those. 

ohmygosh, Healer: 

I think you have a high chance 

of being top on my list of favourite dramas of all time.

... when we read about Haruki's decision to fly into the waves, my dad totally lost it. We were at home, sitting at the kotatsu, and he was reading the translation out loud to me, and when he got to that part, he put down the page and made this loud snorting noise that sounded a bit like a gigantic sneeze, only it wasn't. It was an explosion of sadness. He stood up and went into the bathroom and shut the door, but I could still hear him crying in a deep, gulping way.

-- Nao, A Tale for the Time Being, Ruth Ozeki

When I think about me and my idealism, this scene frequently comes to mind. I remember how this scene made me cry together with Nao's dad the first time I read it. Being an idealist is lonely; standing up for your ideals against the face of criticism from all sides, including your own, is heart-breaking, destroying, crushing. To have it validated, even a little, gives such relief, it comes with a torrent of tears.

A bit slow on the uptake, I know; this song has been all the rage for a while

-- but suddenly, it's bitten me.

too cute!

and certainly helping with my Arabic.

---

Also, old friends have recently made me feel nostalgic for the old days. 

I got a belated birthday gift in the form of lapis lazuli!

Elsie! You are well-loved, hehe.

Eventful day --

* a family emergency that made me glad to realise how I naturally go into fight mode when something scary happens. I can look back and laugh now. But man, it was scary. It's a few times in my life now that my younger siblings have given us terrible life-or-death scares. But what I'm increasingly realising is that, when something emotionally overwhelming happens, my natural instinct is to shove all emotion aside, and become logical and serious and amazingly calm. Although I can hear the small voice in my head starting to plead to God.

Haha, this makes me wonder if I should have become a doctor. But wait, wasn't I all frazzled for inpatient training as a speechie? Am I not naturally paranoid, as my old school friends will attest to? hmmmmm I don't know. Maybe it's the knowledge that efff, this is important, I will fix this or die, that makes the difference.

* first big iftar that has me realising how old I am, or rather how far I've come in life, and I'm happy with who I've strived to be, and hopefully continually strive to become. It's one of those rare times in life as a woman, I don't feel getting older is a bad thing at all. If you're constantly cultivating and refining who you are, you're looking forward to growing wiser and stronger and closer to the best version of you you can be.

* praying in congregation as a jema'ah made me reflect on the value of the ummah, or of a community. and why Islam places such importance on the role of social duty and contribution. A true community is everything an individual needs to sustain life -- you may face individual challenges, but a true community would never leave you to deal with them utterly alone. You could never be motherless, fatherless, or childless. So many mothers either kaypoh-ing, or shoving food at you. Children running around for you to snatch one and cuddle. Brothers and sisters surround you -- and all you need for them to swoop down on you in concern is looking even that little bit under the weather. 

I do wonder if it's the magic of this blessed month that's giving me positive vibes.

May you be blessed and protected always. May we all.

Ramadhan Mubarak!

May this Ramadhan be filled with blessings that will carry on to the rest of the year.



Goals:

* to improve sleep management and therefore energy management -- I need to conserve energy for the right things, I know. ): 7 hours a night please, S.

* to review at least some parts of the Quran properly (it has been pathetic year after year)

* to assign myself one task (work/spiritual/household) every night to complete (and I want this to continue beyond Ramadhan, insya Allah)

* to listen to Al-Mishary and improve my Arabic pronunciation (as reiterated over and over by my Arabic teacher!) -- definitely want to get all the range of /h/ and /z/ right!

* tawakal ilallah for all things