picture in my mind

I've been having a terrible work week.

It's only Week 1, but inpatient training is already sucking my energy, self-esteem, confidence, tenacity, and all my happy vibes, leaving it somewhere within the confusing hallways of the hospital. Beyond ridiculous how many things I have going on all at once right now on top of this mind-wrecking training, like department-wide process improvement projects, planning for SLT week for SHAS, worldwide clinical studies I agreed to help with in the way of language assessments (except M left me almost completely in the dark when she had her baby and passed me the helm, that I am close to screaming at the confusing mess) -- and I keep wishing I could go back in time and tell all those people and projects I said yes to, and say no instead. Choose any one of the projects I do, and it is virtually an entire job scope on its own. To think I do all of them on top of clinical contact time (and today I had a full-schedule) -- PLEASE, IT IS RIDICULOUS.

At the end of today, I got home and was ready to just collapse. Sort of did. Burst into tired tears at one point, because on top of all this nightmare work and feeling like a stunted brain, I was alone at home -- a lonely, pitiful, heartbroken woman with no love prospects, and somewhat a weirdo, and realising she's probably always been one, how is now any different. You know how being in a negative place brings out all your negativity? That's what probably happened.

But luckily.

Being alone also allowed me to kind of let it all out instead of keeping it all in -- yes, I'm not one of those girls who cries on Mummy's lap, or anybody's kindly shoulder. I need alone time so I can stop dissembling for a while. So I let it all out; and prayed, and then things started becoming awesome again.

I came across this (which was what I was trying to get to this whole time, ahak). Seriously, this is so brilliant, I am not exaggerating in the least!

This is a lengthy lecture by Jeffrey Lang; it is basically a mathematician's approach to understanding about God and Islam. The way he passionately brings the audience through his philosophical conundrums, and then wrapped it all up into a beautiful, succinct perspective of the meaning of life he thus gained from the Qura'an -- as expected of a mathematician. A beautiful, balanced equation.

He made it so clear -- "Why we do we suffer?", "Why do we have to make difficult choices? Why can't we just be programmed to do good?", "Why is life so difficult!!!"

That my night turned completely around -- life is difficult because God loves us all, and wants us to be awesome. (:

Alhamdulillah.