picture in my mind

Okay, I will try to blog, although inside, I feel all horrid and everything I vomit out here does seem like vomit to me. Oh dear, why so morbid. It's like when you realise haiyah, why do I suck so much and get upset and confused and wonder if you can ever work hard enough to make things right. Or if you have any store of character within yourself to battle through life; like just the other day, I mentioned to a friend: I think I have no more courage left in my pit of bravery.

I am reminded of a story, that's kinda like a joke: There was this imam at a mosque who fell in prostration, chanting in awe of the majesty that is God, "I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing...". And then a muezzin walked by and saw the imam and thought, "If he's nothing, then what am I???" And out of fear and desperation, the muezzin too fell in prostration and started repeating, "I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing..." Then, the man who swept the mosque came and saw the imam and the muezzin, and thought in horror, "If they're nothing, then what am I???" And fell in prostration as well, chanting, "I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing..." After a while, the imam paused, and said to the muezzin, "Look at who thinks he's nothing!"

So, the best advice I've heard is not to worry about whether you're something or nothing, or in relation to this, whether I suck or not, but to do it all for the sake of God. I think if one is still worried about where one stands in relation to things, I think maybe one hasn't reached an absolute servitude of the Lord, which necessarily negates concern for the self?

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Away from confusing thoughts, I finished The Disorderly Knights. I adore this:

"You knew you might be killed if you rode out of Flaw Valleys... You wouldn't have made Kate very happy. Or me." 

"You have to pay for your mistakes," Philippa said hardily. From white, in the dim light, she had turned poppy red. 

Lymond said quietly, "You had good reason to hate me. I always understood that. I don't know why you should think differently now, but take care. Don't build up another false image. I may be the the picturesque sufferer now, but when I have the whip-hold, I shall behave quite as crudely or worse. I have no pretty faults.Only, sometimes, a purpose." He paused and said, "Est conformis precedenti. I owe the Somervilles rather a lot already." 

Philippa's unwinking brown gaze flickered shiftily at the Latin and then steadied. "I should have told you before. You don't mind?" 

"If you had told me before, you might not have decided to have me for a friend. I don't mind," said Francis Crawford and told, for once, the bare truth.

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And hey, this:

For an example of how love can be crazy complex, read this: Why You Should Date An Illiterate Girl and this: Why You Should Date A Girl Who Reads.