Sometimes, the urge to headdesk is so strong -- I really feel like doing it, even in public. Maybe I should facepalm at least.

!!!

When I want to write, but I can't write -- it's... suffocating. Like when inspiration comes, or a thought, or a feeling, and I want to be quiet and think and blog and get it out, but I have work and it's noisy and I can't get away; The thought or feeling gets stuck somewhere in my chest and it's a strange kind of pain when I let it fade. Because I don't know if I'll ever be in the right frame of mind again to write what I meant. True knowledge is experience, they say. And I just saw a quote -- God tells us to pen down knowledge.

It reminds me of Roald Dahl, who said that: Once, an idea came to him while he was driving, and he screeched to a halt, stepped out, and wrote a word on the dust-covered hood of his car. So that he'd remember what it was later.

hahaha, this reminds me of comp bio. and especially biophysics class. at least bio and physics do intertwine,  but physics and psychology???

---

I thought this was cute, and less sappy than the other love-related stuff I have saved in my random stuff folder. I also think that it applies very much to friendship. I am in a somewhat fluffy mood today because Farhana circulated a really wonderful email about everlasting love: You know why I love your mum so much? She helps me to get closer to Allah.

And this, from here:

Women are not difficult; but they are difficult to understand.


Men are not easy; but they are easy to understand.


---

I want to watch Last Friends (the jap drama)! Am only at episode 2 of Code Blue though. Slow, please.

And oh, the night of Nisfu Syaaban tonight! -- the night we can ask and we will be given. :)

You know what I was thinking today? If only I could capture happiness or serenity in a net; and hold it there and never let it go. But Nabi s.a.w. did say life is lived by the hour -- one hour you're good, the next hour you're not; and that's why this life is a struggle. That's why this world is this world, and perfection and eternity is what is to come.

Because after the syabab liqa' today, sis and me had a little meal with Ami Man and Mama Dah (my uncle and aunt) before we all headed off together for Masjid Tentera and it was cosy and sweet and somehow so nostalgic, it made me smile for no reason. Then we were in the car to Clementi and I was in the backseat and looking out the window at the pretty sky, just thinking about how grateful I should be, and feeling so serene; I swear, at that point, I think I'd never felt happier in my life. And all I felt like doing was singing out Thank you!

But then a little later, I didn't feel so great. And then I got home and got onto facebook, and really did not feel great at all. And I'm like, what the heck. That place is the pits. Why do I even go there??? Seriously! I mean, okay, there are some things I do like and are somewhat beneficial -- but it's like going clubbing but saying, Hey, I'm only here to drink apple juice! The idea is warped and unreal and Who are you kidding? It just leads you down a horrible road. Whatever lah -- all I know is that, it's one thing that doesn't make me feel good and I'm wondering -- where is my moment with the sky and God in my heart? :(

Fandom Talk! -- let me indulge myself now.

This is probably way outdated news in JE world, but Jin, I hear, is seriously and officially out of the picture -- out of KATTUN! For good! Even Johnny apparently admits that all Jin is interested in is trying to succeed in the US. OHMYGOD, wtv, Jin, just go. -___- Good riddance, I say. Go stay in that deluded mind of yours that you're somehow going to make it big in Hollywood and America, where the competition for stardom is one million times tougher than in Japan. There is no golden ticket to fame for the US in the manner of JE in Japan, okay. But just try, why don't you. I think most of us couldn't care less, except die-hard Jin fans, whose love for him I find incomprehensible.

I am actually so glad that Jin is out of the picture, because now, I think, Kattun can work to be a stronger unit and move forward as a team without the scab that is Jin hindering them. And I could perhaps learn to like them without having to be so irritated by the presence of that absolutely arrogant and pompous bag of douche, who is unbelievably and irreconcilably (to me) Yamapi's friend. I suppose I may be being too mean, but uggggh -- I have always hated Jin's character and behaviour and just like Kame, I need to let some of the anger out. (Although Kame is waaay subtle about it.)



Near the end, Kame says, in a light-hearted, joking manner: "And it's not like it's the first time this has happened. We're used to it."; it being Jin's horribly selfish behaviour. One of the comments said: "Is it just me or does the rest of Kattun sound angry...?" Damn right, they're angry! It wouldn't make sense if they weren't! At the very least, Kattun, and I feel especially Kame, has the right to feel indignant. You leave the group once for some petty, selfish reason, jeopardising the group, and yet they welcome you back with open arms; don't expect them to do it again. Once bitten, twice shy, they say.

Oh, Jin, you bad, bad apple. Let's hope some miracle happens and you come back some day with some semblance of humility.

"Teacher, you from which country ah?"


"From which country??? Singapore lah!"


"They why you talk like USA..."

I almost burst out laughing at this -- because what! How do I sound American; seriously, these kids. I think they can't tell the difference between someone who speaks proper English and someone who has an American accent. Because I'm sure I don't have an American accent! Right, right, right?

---
And haha, this:

You just saw the UFOs and thought they would land but they just kept showing stupid sightings and flying away and hiding in... caves.

---

This was from Maulid Celebrations earlier this year.

I asked him cause he's adorable, "Eh, what's your name?"

"Muhammad Nawfal!", with his lollipop in his mouth so that he was pretty unintelligible.

"Spell?"

He proceeded to shout in our faces, "N! A! W! F! A! L!"

Aishah piped up, "Eh, that's my brother's name!"

And Nawfal went, "AHAHAHAHA!" Which made me "?!?!?!?!"

And the rest of us cracked up because my god -- nutty, cute, little boy! XD

When Nawfal got his goodie bag.

And other cute kids at Maulid.

Abbas (at the rightmost corner) menyelit on stage, haha!

---

Insyirah!

I think this was from last year, when we were at Boon Keng to have mutton soup for dinner. Insyirah a little tinier and lighter; she's such a big girl now! Wanting to run everywhere. 

I am on a sudden photo-posting mood. I think I ultimately prefer blogging to fb-ing, and prefer putting up random photos here.

---

When the comp bio people gathered to have fun, for once! at the end of our course. haha. :) And I really couldn't believe that they prepared a cake for me. When the cake came out, I was thinking, "Eh, whose birthday is it?" As always, oblivious me. Thank you my wonderful course mates, without whom life in comp bio would be even more torturous.

---

"Let us remind ourselves of the lifestyle of the Prophet (s). We live in a time of ‘lifestyle choices’; but for us, in fact, there is only one appealing ‘lifestyle choice’. Modernity holds up to us a range of ideal types to imitate: we can be like Peter Tatchell, or Monica Lewinsky, or Alan Clarke, or Michael Jackson. There is a long menu of alternatives. But when set beside the radiant humanity of Rasulullah (s.w.s.), there is no contest at all. For the Prophet is humanity itself, in its Adamic perfection. In him, and in his style of life, the highest possibilities of our condition are realised and revealed. And this is beauty itself: the word jamil, beautiful, which is one of his names, refers also to virtue. Ihsan, the Prophetic state of harmony with God, means the engendering of husn, or beauty."

...

"Those of us who have lived far from nature, and far from beauty, and far from the saints, often have anger, and darkness, and confusion in our hearts. But this is not the Sunna. The sunna is about detachment, about the confidence that however seemingly black the situation of the world, however great the oppression, no leaf falls without the will of Allah. Ultimately, all is well. The cosmos, and history, are in good hands."

From The Sunnah as Primordiality

This is what Crookshanks probably looked like when he was a kitten! heheh, cuuuuute.

---

I finally finished all the powerpoint slides for all P5 and P6 science topics and am now waiting for the Science HOD to pass me the lower primary science topics to work on. I suppose this is from the point of view of an adult and someone with a science background at that; but how is it that this isn't chicken feet? :P All the secular subjects, I feel, is a matter of sitting down and storing the content in one's brain, and there's so much that they can twist the questions and trick you. Even O-level is like that what right -- all you need to do is just mug. It's not so much about intelligence, logic or inspiration, than it is about maximising brain space.

---

Because I have barely posted anything about graduation:

Yaayyy! We survived Computational Biology! (And genius Shweta with a whopping first class honours at that.) :D And only poor Comp Bio majors know the crazy impossibilities that we had to overcome in this almost inhumane course, haha.

I finished The Constant Princess! I feel like finishing a novel is getting to be more and more of an event for me, because there are so few fictional pieces that can keep me sufficiently absorbed until the end. Half-finished books are literally building a tower next to my pillow. Woe to the distractions of technology -- i.e. internet and television. Anyway, The Constant Princes isn't the best of Philippa Gregory's works; it seems to lack a proper focus or message. But her excellence at characterisation still shines through at moments, and I can still appreciate her complex portrayal of relationships, ambitions and desires.

Some nice parts I've dog-eared:

---

"We are both Spanish and a long way from our homes. Doesn't that matter more than the fact that I am black and you are white? That I worship my God facing Mecca and you worship yours facing west?"


"I am a child of the true religion and you are an infidel," she said, but with less conviction than she had ever felt before.


"We are both people of faith," he said quietly. "Our enemies should be the people who have no faith, neither in their God, nor in others, nor in themselves. The people who should face our crusade should be those who bring cruelty in the world for no reason but their own power. There is enough sin and wickedness to fight, without taking up arms against people who believe in a forgiving God and who try to lead a good life."


Katherine found that she could not reply. On the one hand was her mother's teaching, on the other was the simple goodness that radiated from this man. "I don't know," she said finally, and it was as if the very words set her free. "I don't know. I would have to take the question to God. I would have to pray for guidance. I don't pretend to know."


"Now, that is the very beginning of wisdom," he said gently. "I am sure of that, at least. Knowing that you do not know is to ask humbly, instead of tell arrogantly. That is the beginning of wisdom."

---

Though I still love my mother, I don't worship her any more. I suppose, at last, I am growing up.

---

Think, I say to myself fiercely. Don't feel with a tender heart, think with a hard brain, a soldier's brain. Don't consider this as a woman with child who knows there are many widows in Scotland tonight, think as a queen. My enemy is defeated, the country lies open before me, their king is dead, their queen is a young fool of a girl and my sister-in-law. I can cut this country into pieces, I can quilt it. Any commander of any experience would destroy them now and leave them destroyed for a whole generation. My father would not hesitate; my mother would have given the order already.


I check myself. They were wrong, my mother and father. Finally, I say the unsayable, unthinkable thing. They were wrong, my mother and father. Soldiers of genius they may have been, convinced they certainly were, Christian kings they were called - but they were wrong. It has taken me all my life to learn this.


A state of constant warfare is a two-edged sword, it cuts both the victor and the defeated. If we pursue the Scots now, we will triumph, we can lay the country to waste, we can destroy them for generations to come. But all that grows on waste are rats and pestilence. They would recover in time, they would come against us. Their children would come against my children and the savage battle would have to be fought all over again. Hatred breeds hatred. My mother and father drove the Moors overseas, but everyone knows that by doing so they won only one battle in a war that will never cease until Christians and Muslims are prepared to live side by side in peace and harmony. Isabella and Ferdinand hammered the Moors, but their children and their children's children will face the jihad in reply to the crusade. War does not answer war, war does not finish war. The only ending is peace.

---

That last bit reminds me of something else I'd heard before - that U2's Bono said something like, "What happens when grace meets karma?"

:)

Also, I've been meaning to get hold of David Fromkin's A Peace to End All Peace but so far, only the Lee Kong Chian Reference Library has it and therefore cannot be borrowed. -_-

I think I have found, for me, the equivalent of Shaykh Hamza Yusuf in writing -- Abdal Hakim Murad. I love the way he writes! It is reminiscent of Dorothy Dunnett's. I haven't been looking up English words since I read Dunnett, and now because of this very clever and wise man, I am doing the same. It gives me a little thrill, to read such beautiful turns of phrases, or find a meaning expressed so magnificently. Everything he writes is like wow. Siiiigh. :))) Sometimes, I feel like bliss is when I am immersed in a sea of words.

The Messenger, upon whom be the best of blessings and peace, was the man of the Mi‘raj, and also the hero of Badr. He loved women, and perfume, and the delight of his eye was in prayer. The transition between moments of intense colloquy with the supreme archangel, and of political or military or family duty, was often little more than momentary; but his balance was impeccable, for he showed that body, mind and spirit are not rivals, but allies in the project of holiness, which means nothing other than wholeness.

From Seeing With Both Eyes (Oh, this is actually a transcript of a lecture. Hm. But I want to get his book!)

---

Yesterday, one of the teachers came up to me and asked, "So how was my class? Were they okay?" Cause I had relieved her class when she had to take time off school. And I said, "They were okay." And she said, "You know, the boys were saying, 'Why that teacher so strict ah! Everything also cannot do. She was finding fault with everything!'"

And I am like this: O.O and also like this XD. I have come a long way from East Coast Primary in 2006, when I was sure that the kids realised how easy it was to bully me.

‘Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.’ (Mariah Carey)

O.o She wants to be skinny like that? Haha, gosh. *headdesk*

Guilt is a warning.

I am on a quote-pasting spree. Also, have recently returned to reading my books. I am hoping to finally finish The Constant Princess by Philippa Gregory which I bought in Ullapool.

Failure is God's punishment for exotericism.

Wah, I like that idea.

Seek, and you will be found.

and

We grow through self-diminution.

OMG I have to teach a class of Sec 5 boys later this afternoon! :S CRAP. I want to be taller now!!! CRAP. Why am I freaking out.

I want my class of P1 kids, who are tiny and adorable and cute and make me smile even when they're being naughty. mouuuu.

I think I may be psychic! ahahahahah. :P I fancy myself anticipating things before they happen or stg. If there was an 'Are you psychic?' Test, I would take it. eheh.

Okay, I am being random. I need to sleep early so shall go soon. Just one more thing:

I read something on gender issues and I've finally found something that makes me satisfied; of course, this has an Islamic viewpoint; but it's so eloquently put and has all the points summarised in one place -- it's wonderful.

Boys will be boys by Abdal Hakim Murad (a.k.a.) T. J. Winters

"We insist, therefore, that our revealed law, confirmed so magnificently in its assumptions by the new science, upholds the dignity and the worth of women more reliably than secularity ever can. A materialistic worldview, which measures human worth in terms of earning power and status and access to sexual plenitude, will inexorably glorify the male. For the male, conditioned by the androgens from the time he was almost invisibly small in the womb, is assertive: his metaphors are projection, conquest, single-mindedness. As the facts of science trickle down into popular culture, and as old-style equality feminism breaks down, the male is going to be magnified as never before in history. Materialistic civilisations will, in the longer term, favour and revere male traits. In the shorter term women may appear to be overtaking the men, because of the energy generated by the congratulations of modernity, and because of the reciprocal atrophy of male identity and self-regard. But in the longer term, unless the logic of Adam Smith’s capitalism is mysteriously terminated, the future belongs to the androgen.

As Muslims, we refuse such a favouritism. Inevitably, given the nature of the fitra, there must be aspects of shari‘a which favour the male in functional, material terms. Ours is a religion of absolute justice. But because we reject any identification of human worth with conspicuous functionality, or power, or status, or consumption, we are able to insist on the worth of women in a way that is not possible outside a religious context. For we have not been created for the idols worshipped in the pages of GQ orLoaded Magazine. The biological advantages of the male, which, unless one day a massive reconstructive surgery and hormonal reprogramming is carried out on every one of us, do not for us denote superiority, as they must for the secular mind when it follows its own arguments through."

Had an EXHAUSTING week. Like today, had FoS commencement + Isra' wa Mi'raj celebration + supper with Ami Omar and family -- which means we were out from 8 am to 12 midnight; my sister and I ascertained how our family is just constantly busy with something, it's energy-sapping. We need to sleep more.

I meant to post something, like I said, but just never got round to doing it because so little time and so tired. Tired, but happy though. Because what is it they say? Be thankful when you're tired and weary because that means you've made a difference.

Will try to post properly when I have more time.

Me looking out over Ullapool. I wish I could escape to this hill at moments when I feel I need to get away. But this place is so far away, mou.

He has the whole world in His hands, He has the whole wide world in His hands.

Actually, I'm listening to something right now; let me be random: the secret of the woman is rahmah. Hmmm.

I totally had something I wanted to post about today; something that really struck me during today's sayyidat liqa'. Except that blogger has been such a problem for me these days and doesn't allow me to post and I only just figured out how to get around the problem -- so that now, my inspiration has gone. -_- I can't write when my brain is feeling heavy and lethargic, so hopefully, I'll get that inspiration back and ramble on about it tomorrow.

But just a little thought that came to me on Saturday at APEX: that when you can smile and put aside that little pain that comes from one musibah, you will be rewarded with something unexpected, something better, something that erases all the pain and that makes you go, Subhanallah, how could I ever doubt in the first place? With Jean on Friday too, while we were slacking around and talking, she was strangely the one who said that, If God can give you small little things that you ask for, why do you not trust him to do the same for the big things? And if he seemingly doesn't, it's because things must be not what they seem. Allah wa Rasul a'lam. What do you know, eh.

Thank you. <3