I feel so evil. I faked sick and didn't turn up for this morning's writing class. I hope nerney doesn't blacklist me! I just needed to mug last-minute on calculus and I hadn't done any preparation for the presentation anyway. The guilt is eating me up.

2 months to the end of this semester. I swear, I cannot wait!

Maybe I should come here less.

I am so happy! I got snail mail from the london birds! Snail mail never fails to cheer people up. Because it's a lot of effort to put everything down by hand and getting a nice card and a nice envelope and then buying a stamp and posting. It's all so sweet.

I love the card! And I love the messages! And Pigey is coming back in April! Yayee. We shall all go out for dinner together.

I keep saying I miss all these people who have been missing. But then I realise that... it isn't so much that. It's not like I never get to see them or I never get to chat. We get to talk enough. MSN is only a click away.

It's more like... I miss who we were together, and who I was with them. I think I'm a little different now, and I miss the me I used to be. I feel so old somehow.

Crap, I tell you! I got caught doing something stupid by my dad, and it is so mortally embarassing. How am I going to live this down? He's going to torture me with it till I'm old and wrinkly. At least I'm good at pretending it's no big deal. Blah! I swear, the stupid doorbell is just too damn soft.

Teroka Seni actually went very well today. I am content. Despite the fact that I'll be faced with a scary amount of workload tomorrow, tonight shall be a happy night because our work eventually turned out nice and good. Sure, there was much cursing and stress and why-did-I-ever-agree-to-do-this moments, but in the end, those things fade away. :)

The thing about life is that it will inevitably be filled with both horrible moments and contrastingly wonderful ones. The trick is to blow up the happy times, make yourself grateful and at the same time, ball up the pain of the horrid times, and throw it all out. So that you fall asleep remembering to thank God.

Omgness. I am so extremely screwed for calculus. Also for Cprog. Also for physics. Also will very probably not get the TLL intern thing cause of my miserable CV. Also feel stressed for teroka seni tmr. Okay. I am approaching a deep valley. I am aware of it, it is a part of life and I shall not let my misery and failures overcome me.

Feel like pasting long-overdue surabaya photos.

Okay, I need someone to throw a brick at my head. Get me out of the damn clouds!!!

I don't know why but I feel utterly restless. I can't make myself sit and do work. It's frustrating.

I think I have a really big problem overcoming inertia - changing my current state. Because I have been in lazy mode for the past three days, I want to keep being lazy. It feels nice. But you see, I remember last friday, I was in ultra work mode, and I wanted to keep working so much that even at night, after we had dinner at balithai, I went back to figuring out my programming lab question till midnight.

Although I have to admit: getting from work mode to laze mode is infinitely, infinitely easier.

Idle hands are the devil's workshop. I have to get on with work. eeyah. so frustrating.

And oh, the family came back and I saw the photos and okay, I'm so damn jealous. I can't believe I missed out on so much fun. Kak Shida actually sabo-ed Hussain to sing on stage at the hotel. I can't believe I didn't get to see that!!! And I want to see Luth! Who apparently has gotten very attached to Said. God damn the LSM report. I better get a nice grade for it this sem.

yesterday, nekmah came over to give me nasi sambal goreng so I sat down with her and ate and I made her watch vivah with me. and it was funny. cause she started talking about how she and tok alleh barely said anything to each other before they got married. and how when he used to come over to her house to meet her family, for formality's sake, she would think, "Oh no! Why can't he just stay home and leave me alone..." Hilarious. Apparently, they never knew what to say to each other and every meeting prior to the wedding was super awkward and such a torture. oh, and she also told me tok brahim's old nickname was chotti.

and at night, nani called to give me mee hoon. seriously, family is so important. at this moment, I don't think I can ever be abandoned, should anything horrible ever happen to my immediate family ALLAH AND RASUL FORBID, because there's a whole list of relatives who would care enough to see me well-fed and sleeping tight. Bibik actually came up to give me the mee hoon and offered me to stay over at nani's. haha. but no, I'm not scared of the dark or being alone in a double-storey flat. just the roaches, which thank god did not make any sort of appearance.

And now, I'm waiting for the family to return. And sipping on my thus-far uncontested favourite beverage: caramel frap. Whilst watching talk shows on youtube. Blah. I should be studying or working on terokaseni, but right now, I just can't bring myself to be responsible.

omg. Vivah rocks. So much chemistry between Shahid and Amrita. There isn't a solid storyline but it just makes you glued to the screen. I swear, the hottest, heart-stopping, romantic scenes are rarely full-blown snogs or other bordering-on-porn scenes. The best ones are the ones which have passion subtly controlled but just brimming over.

Like the brushing of fingers, or drinking from the same cup and staring into each other's eyes. Or the right choice of words. Oh my goodness. Or the grasping of hands that says a million words. You just have it to see it for yourself.

It's the same with Prison Break too. Okay, I'm going to give Season 2 spoilers so back off now if you care. In Season 2, Michael and Sara eventually get together and make out in a toilet (okay, this sounds bad, haha). But I still think the hottest scene is when Michael held her wrist all the way back in Season 1, and Sara freezes in anticipation, and he simply said thank you whilst giving his beautiful blue steel stare. The whole meaning behind the gesture was indecribable. It was breath-hitching, you know? It's like a whole different level of whoa-ness.

That's what makes good romance for me. Hold off the real action till the end, stretch the tension and you have sweet, sweet torture. Like in Lymond too; the romance was top-notch. They kissed only in the very last chapter (or might have been the penultimate, but at least near the end). And there was much eye-gazing and staring and Francis calling her Yunitsa.

I am such a sucker for this.

I really meant for me to be productive all this weekend. That's the reason I opted out of the M'sia Trip anyway and am as a consequence utterly home alone. But all I've been doing the entire day is lug my book around the house but not reading it and watching sap shows on tv. I really desperately need a dose of self-discipline-potion (I keep wishing there was one).

Anyway, I cried so much watching tv today, it's nuts. I think being really alone releases you of the inhibitions you never realised you put on yourself when around others. So I learnt I am really an uber uber sap. Oh, I already knew I was sappy, but didn't quite know the extent. I watched Dark Water and the movie was only so-so but it reduced me to a horrible puddle of tears. And I watched the last bit of Sisterhood of Travelling Pants again and cried at America Ferrera and Amber Tamblyn's scenes because they're both superb young actresses and the sadness just seeps through the screen. And then I watched Virrudh on Vasantham; the first half sucked, but John Abraham was in it and it sustained me, heh, so I reached the second half which was good and sad and so I cried again.

Speaking of which, I don't quite understand why I'm so attracted to Bollywood. Possibly the large percentage of Indian blood in me? Or more probably, the melodrama! I love melodrama. Bollywood lets me indulge that side of me.

I have this theory that the more sappy the person, the more unsappy the person seems. I know some people. And me. I have been told before that I constantly have a calm facade. Oh, but if you only knew me.

The birds did give me an "I AM NOT PARANOID" badge for my birthday once.

It is going to be midnight soon and I feel lonely. The only people I spoke to today: the mat at mcdonald's, umi and iqah over the phone, for like a minute, and nekmah for two minutes.

And another problem with being alone is that no one will help me chase the cockroaches away (if they come!).

Okay, shall go back to tv. Will will will will will will will study tomorrow.

Damn you maple! The stupid Maple Math Quiz thing is driving me nuts. There's a freaking question that is freaking impossible to do! I can't stand it!

This is the question:

Let f(x) = arctan(arcsin x) - arcsin(arctan x). Let n be the smallest positive integer such that
f^(n)(0), or the answer when you substitute x=0 into f differentiated n times, is not equal to zero. Then n = ___ ?

And I used the computer to find the derivative and I found like 5 derivatives but they're all equal to zero! And the derivatives just GET LONGER AND LONGER and they're full of stupid fractions and multiple arctans and arcsins and I'm going blind substituting x=0 into them!

Frrraaaaaak.

So annoying. And I have no one to whine to right now (in math comp lab), so here I dump my frustration.

Whatever. Maybe I'll ask Aisyah what answer she gave for the bloody question. Or I'll just give a random answer because each quiz is worth only 1.5%. I'll lose only 0.3% if I get this one wrong.

Damn bloody irritating thing.

and dmn pentas budaya meeting. very nice timing lah. I swear to god, I am so done.

Last night, we waited for the clock to strike 12, and then we made a lot of noise to wake my dad up, cause it was his birthday. And we ate cake in bed. And I gave my dad an NUS jacket. Muaha. He wanted it lah. My mum watched tons of Roswell. She loves it far too much.

Teroka Seni is becoming a serious headache. I really shouldn't have involved myself in any extracurricular activities because I'm a horrible procrastinator as it is, and having all this assthings to do just aggravates my problematic situation.

I have to be a good daughter, a good student, a good friend, a good sister. I think being all at once is insanely difficult and practically impossible. Like I said, something's gotta give. I think I was a good daughter yesterday, but I trashed work so that makes me a bad student. How do people do it all at once? And how do people add more to the load - good girlfriend, good mum etc?

Perfection is a dangerous thing to chase.

I just had Nerney's writing class and apparently his wife was his student once! Like whoa. Okay, so he was one of those graduate tutors, so he was still a young man when she was studying, but still! Teacher-student relationships, thus far, I've only read in fics. He claims he didn't court her during her study, but he waited till she was done with her course. How sweet.

I can't stand my procrastinating habits. It will be the death of me some day. I still haven't done my math quiz due tonight and the TLLinternship application due at 6pm today! Freakazoid. And I have arabic in a while.

Two things I want to do well during the summer break:
1. Be excellent at my internship if I get it
2. Increase arabic fluency level!!!

And oh of course!

3. Say farewell to Harry Potter. (waaaaah.)

HP has been such a big part of my teenage years. It's kind of apt that the last book is out this year; the year I say goodbye to adolescence. I can't believe I'm supposed to be an adult when inside, I'm as clueless as ever about a large part of life.

Mudaris is here! bye.

Yay, I finished my Paper 1 for UWC! It's good to have slogged and produced something good in the end.

Talking about London is making me remember this:

When we bought Duckie a trashy romance novel for her birthday and made her promise to read it. Hehe.

Although I did finish the freaking paper, I still didn't finish my homework. Bad me.

Teroka Seni taklimat tomorrow! And also seeing Sowmya, yay.

And omg. Am reading McTabby's Summary Executions (where we make fun of harrypotter fanfiction summaries) and HAHA. I can't believe someone spelled Voldemort, "Voloomort"! So insane.

Also: Harry and Ginny both play the violin for the Opera Cosi fan Tutte by Mozart. How do people think of such random things! hilarious. why would I want to read a fic about harry playing the violin? honestly.

why won't you leave me in peace.

I can't wait for this semester to be over! It's full of nightmare weeks where I get barely enough sleep and I feel so extremely stressed. Why do I do this to myself. Gone are the wonderful days of just 4-6pm lectures. Damn. I should have cherished last sem.

I want to sleeeeeep.

Listening to a radio interview of Wentworth Miller. (God, it is so obvious I have a pathetic life.) And the DJ goes, "Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've found the perfect man!" Cause someone asked him what he did with his first PB paycheck and he said he took a flight home to visit his family. Goodness.

Something's gotta give, you know, no one's perfect. We just haven't found it yet. Man.

I'm starting to like the idea that I talk about tv here more than anything else. Because I'm prickly about telling the world what I feel. Talking about the telly just seems really safe. Bytheway, I realise my guestbook's dead. Because the people who usually fill it are far away and have apparently forgotten me. I mean Duck, mostly, because I haven't heard from her in eons, it seems, and she barely updates her own LJ. London has conquered her brain. And I hate the fact that mine and Eunice's timetables clash really really badly that we can't even go home together like we did last sem. And Pigey's just... elusive.

So yes, I'm a vagabond in NUS. I drift from faculty to faculty, befriending a variety of people, but never sticking to any one group. Sometimes I feel like I'm fading.

I watched the very last bit of Hitch on tv earlier today, again. The part where Will Smith actually jumps on a moving car to convince Eva Mendes that he loves her. And she practically shrieks (along the lines of), "Why did you jump? Are you trying to get yourself killed?" And he says, "Because that's what people do. They jump. And hope to God they can fly."

Fluffy fluffy fluffy. Hollywood gives a million advice about love and yet the red carpet is littered with marriage wrecks and divorces and failed relationships. Their credibility is seriously questionable. Actually. True love, like ghosts, is something people hear about, talk about, tell stories about, wish for but only few get to experience. It's one of the sad things in life.

ohmygosh. I do talk about tv too much in here. whatever.

Am watching supernatural and dean and sam are arguing over the existence of angels. Sam says they exist because there's over a tonne of lore on angels alone, more than anything else! And Dean replies, "Oh you know what? There's a ton of lore on unicorns too. I hear that they ride on silver moonbeams and they shoot rainbows out of their ass." The Dean I adore. Cracks me up.

Went out with the ex-math-sy people today! We ate at Sakura and walked a lot and sat at coffee bean to talk. And I met hudy and marli's sec school friend. And I realise the world is waaay too small.

And then went to Abang Yan's to meet family. And when we were in the car on the way out at midnight, there was this makcik by the side of the carpark who peered into our car and I got completely freaked out. She wore a tudung but she was dressed in black and what the hell was she doing out alone at midnight? She was scarily weird! She had this grim expression on and I was insanely wondering if she was a nenek kebayan. She peered in, but my dad drove on, and then she started to walk towards us to try to peer in again, and I was like begging my dad to hurry and go. Freeeeaaakky.

The more I think about it, the more certain I am that NUS should have a motel on campus. They can charge rooms by the hour. So that I can actually sleep on a bed during horribly long three-to-four hour breaks! Seriously man. I'll end up sleeping with my head propped on a wooden table and it is decidedly uncomfortable and frustratingly unsatisfying. You wake up wishing you'd been in a bed. And then you'll be irritable all through the rest of the lectures of the day, struggling to stay awake. Damn it.

Really! Why doesn't someone have a motel on campus! It would work! It would! For people who don't stay at hall but want to sleep on campus at times.