picture in my mind

My house is as noisy as hell at night. When we watch Singapore Idol, we barely hear what the poor soul is singing because every 3 seconds, someone has to comment on something! My dad will comment about how so-and-so is too fat, and then of course, I have to start my ranting about shallowness and superficiality (I can't help myself), and then my brother will insist we listen to the song. But 3 seconds later (give or take) my dad will say, 'This girl isn't bad looking what!' and all the females present would protest at my dad's lack of taste. Then we listen for a few seconds again. Then my mum starts bashing at some poor contestant and someone disagrees and an argument begins again. It just goes on and on! Kumar is right - that show is just full of crap.

I realise I haven't blogged properly for a long time. I haven't sat down and typed down what first comes to mind. All my entries are becoming increasingly detached and my fear is that I'm losing the ability to write at all. Maybe I should revive the good old days of chain-story-ing with the birds. Or maybe, I'm cooped up in the house so much these days, nothing interesting ever happens and consequently, my brain is turning into mush and glug and no coherent thought can shape itself nicely enough here.

Okay. Perhaps a remedy would be to tell a little story of my weekend away from home at the chalet or something. Or about the charity concert I went to.

Oh my god. My life is utter boringness. Boredom.

I keep feeling like something special or great or wonderful is supposed to happen but nothing is. I admit, the whole dream of wanting to go study somewhere very far away was the hope that it would be that something. Being more than boring old me. I remember something a friend said about how scary mediocrity is. And I understand now. Thinking about how I'm supposed to get a degree, work a stable job, get married, have kids and then die like everyone else gives me the shivers. I keep hoping for something more, and until I know what that is, I'll always feel a constant gnawing in my bones. And I won't ever feel truly happy and satisfied.

I was watching HP and the Sorcerer's Stone on dvd the other day (because I was so bored) and then the scene with the Mirror of Erised came on. You know how that mirror shows you your deepest desire and then Dumbledore tells Harry how man gains nothing from looking into the mirror and many have wasted their lives in front of it? I completely disagree with Dumbledore, or rather JKR, now. If I could just have one look in the mirror, I think it'd help me a lot. Cause I'd see what I truly want and then I can go get it. This being confused and unsure thing is getting just a tad bit too annoying, what's more, I only have one year left to blame it on adolescence.