Almost all of prelim results are out. When have I ever felt completely satisfied with any of my grades? This is no different. But it is chem that just drives me up the wall. Hate it so much.

Found anwar awlaki's website and had to refrain self from downloading everything... Wonder if I should invest in my own discman at least.

I can hear kuda kepang from outside my window! What are these people doing? I think I'd like to see a proper one once, without having any scary side effects. Aunts got possessed once just by watching.

I have been reading Philippa Gregory's Wideacre, and as usual, it centres on the oppression of the female species. It just fills me up with frustration and anger. Set in 18th century England, Beatrice Lacey, the daughter of a squire, loves her father's land - Wideacre - but soon feels betrayed when she realises as she grows up, that there is no way in the world she would be able to continue living on Wideacre and be a part of it. When her father dies, everything goes to her elder brother and she, as is expected of her sex, will be married off. Poor Beatrice is driven to dark plots to keep a part of Wideacre to herself. She consented to her beloved father's murder, only to regret it after the deed was done. The story is steeped with acts of betrayal that leaves me breathless with shock, and am only at the beginning.

My entire family, Papa, Mama and Harry, could all die in pain and horror and still I would be no nearer to the ownership of the land. There was a barrier against me no skill of mine could overleap. Generations of men had built defences against women like me, against all women. They had ensured we would never know the power and the pleasure of owning the earth beneath our feet and growing the food that went on our tables. They had built a great chain of male control, of male power and beastly male violence between me and my need for the land. And there was no way, enforced by male-dominated laws and male-established tradition, that I could overthrow them.

I am happy that I live in this century and in this country, where as far as I know, I can do what I want. There are womens' rights and the UN and equality and democracy and whatever-else-in-the-name-of-freedom. But lurking everywhere else in daily life, subtly impressed, are the proprieties of women.

Tell me to do work in the kitchen because my grandma needs help and like any normal, considerate person, I should lend a helping hand. Don't tell me to help because I'm the girl, because that's not a reason! Everytime it happens, I sizzle with anger and my tongue just begs to be allowed to lash out in retaliation. But I refrain, and I let myself simmer, because on occasions when I've given my tongue free reign, it doesn't turn out good and I never win. As is been said: it's male-established tradition.

It shouldn't have to work like this anymore. The woman earns the money too, shouldn't domestic duties be shared as well? I suppose for some families, this has happened, and I applaud them. But not for mine, and I think not for many families. If old-age tradition of wives serving husbands hand-and-foot remains in this era, I don't see why I would want to get married at all. The benefits lie heavily on the male side. The husband is mothered, served in and out of bed and extra money flows in. While the wife serves and serves and serves. The wife doesn't even use the husband's money anymore because she has her own. Women! Where is the logic in doing this other than to conform? (If you're desperate for children, go and adopt like Angelina Jolie. Childbirth isn't so fun, you know.)

Apparently, it is demeaning to wash a dirty plate; a man's pride suffers tremendously. Funny they should think that way. Because I think I would melt if a guy offers to help with the dishes; after which I would insist, eyes shining in admiration, that I do everything myself, while he rests. Which brings me to the topic of love.

Fine, love conquers all. Logic is thrown out the window. Trapped in its snare, one would go to the ends of the earth for his beloved. And so, yes, I can see why a thousand million wives serve their husbands everyday. Ah sigh. My arguments gone to waste because of this mysterious thing called love.

I have become so money-minded, it scares me. All because I am so damned desperate to study overseas. I'd be walking to catch the train in the early morning and I'd be thinking: if only I could get on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' and win. Or at least get past the 250 thousand mark. Or maybe win some on Wheel of Fortune. If I could only have that one bit of shining, golden opportunity. Besides having to fight for a scholarship, that is. And then this person, real or not, appears to tempt me (refer to my guestbook if you're lost at this point). What the. I am confused. I can't help thinking: what if this is for real and I threw away the opportunity to gain some money whilst helping someone, instead of resorting to crime? (Haha, I won't. Promise.)

Remember, Shamiah... money is the root of all evil.

Why must everything be so expensive these days. Siiiiigh.

Almost done with UCAS application. Am waiting for credit card numbers (a.k.a. parents) to come back and then this part will be done. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Where will this bring me in 10 years' time? I have no idea.

"I shall be telling this with a sigh. Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost

I sure hope Mr Frost is right.

It's funny how... you don't want your parents to decide for you, but then you want them to approve everything. It isn't easy. I just feel so torn sometimes. And I can easily understand how some people who lose their parents as they grow up, end up getting strength and focus from that and eventually do whatever their parents had wanted; dedicating half their lives to their lost parent. I'd do the exact same thing. I've thought of it many times. Of course, I always pray it never comes to that.

Hm. Feel like pasting Frost's poem now.

Prelims over. A little bit of break within the eye of the storm.

My eyes are already deteriorating and it's only been one day since my return to bibliohism. And I am occassionally gripped by fear of losing my eyesight. How would I read without it? How would I do all the things I love to do? There's always so much to be grateful for, right? I wish I could always remember that.

I feel cooped up in the house. It's no good when other people are only just starting exams. I want to watch Brothers Grimm so much but have no company. I have a seemingly dismal social circle. And Nekmah coming over is nice and all (nice food especially), but at the sacrifice of a weekend of freedom. Parents off for the weekend again to say farewell to Pakcik Mail Kelantan who's going for Haj.

And Cassie has given good news. DV to be officially complete before Christmas this year. Wow. It's been a long time coming. And DT remains the best fanfiction ever. And the D/H relationship the most intense, most special, most loving brotherhood-friendship in all of fiction, as I know it. As long as it remains free of, god-forbid, slash.

~

Dinodi's Kau Pergi Jua is so good... and the lyrics are so bittersweet. Can listen to it over and over. My OCD strikes again.

Had really weird dreams last night. One strange one after another.

In one of them, I was standing with my sister in my living room, with the window next to us. We were looking out. And I remember feeling immensely terrified. Because... there were these bombs going off all over our neighbourhood, and I was just speechless. The both of us saw one missile come close by our window. But we were never hit. There was just a great shaking all over, like a humungous quake.

After that one, I found myself at Darul Ma'wa. Arguing with Mdm Zainah. Because she absolutely refused to respond to my email, and is almost always busy. I said to her all the things I'm chicken to say in real life. I told her how I never intended to intrude into her schedule, but that CIP hours were important for our testimonial and that she should respect that and at least respond to my email like she said she would. I said I hated the whole pearls system too, and I wouldn't want the hours anyway if I could help it. I argued a lot. It's funny how you play out all the things you can't or won't do in real life, in your dreams. It's liberating sometimes. And I am always much more confident in my dreams, like am not afraid to do anything at all. Maybe that's who I want to be, but fail to become, so far, in reality. I've confronted loads of people in my dreams - given my piece of mind to snobs (this, I say, is the most fun), shouted at people who irritated me, discuss certain things that are really inconceivable in actual life, talked to movie stars (very fun) etc. I wish I could do lucid dreaming, sometimes.

The last dream I had before I woke up was me sitting in front of my laptop and it conking out on me. I was about to burst into tears. Once I was conscious, I came online and here I am. I had to make sure my computer is fine. This is probably after-trauma from yesterday's sudden online crash. I was trying to open the HP trailer file from Leaky Cauldron and suddenly the whole screen when blue and blank and spontaneously restarted. It was a horrific episode for me. I love my comp - it contains a lot of my heart and soul. Important things! *Hugs compaq*

Okay, time to listen to Abah and get virus protection.

oh, btw, phy plus the S, chem and bio paper 1 left.

The second last hurdle approaching. And the biggest and scariest one too. I scare myself by being so calm when I know I'm screwed. Where is my sense of urgency?

I wonder if my life will go on being filled with these... phases of obsession. I have had them for as long as I can remember... I think. I'll go absolutely mad about a book, story, movie, show or occasionally an activity, and then when that dies down, I'll jump to another. It's probably very unhealthy. I'm so into that other world, I don't care about reality.

At this point, whatever makes me happy. As long as I don't start talking to imaginary beings, I think I'm still sane.

I like Joan of Arcadia! It's only just started on Channel 5 but I've been looking it up and found out what happens... all the way till season 2. The idea that God walks among us could be considered blasphemous in itself, but it provides the opportunity for important issues, like why people have to die, suffer etc, to be brought up and discussed. And that makes for riveting conversations. And the writers are smart enough to always be able to create a flawless 'God's plan' for every episode. And the dialogue is often ponder-able, thought-provoking, funny and quotable. Plus, it has a fantastic cast. The young actors are all so good, which was why it did well I suppose. I've watched video clips and all the actors can cry, guys included. I guess people who have something against sappy shows might not want to watch so much. But it's a worthwhile one hour each week, IMO.

I wonder if you girls have received this very interesting email that's been circulating. It's titled The Best-Looking Guy In The World. I was skeptical at first. Kak Naz was the one who sent it to me (no surprise there). But then I saw the pictures. And I went @_@. I showed my sister. Who also became @_@. Okay. So not all email is crap. I looked him up. And found all these blogs (and here I add myself to the list) gushing about him and the circulating email. Very amusing.

I should be studying! What am I doing here, posting about guys of all things...

My father has resorted to bribery. Now, what do I do? Medicine... Here I come?

And Scotland is sounding more appealing than ever. My itchy fingers flipped through the Lonely Planet Guide Yeatian got for me, and my heart just ached to be there. Really. The walking tours sound so fun! (Although I realise I have to resort to eating potatoes and fish everywhere I go and ensure no alcohol is put into any of my food.) And they're not so expensive. Castle admissions are about 5 pounds (average)... And it's all so pretty! I want to go there so much.

Last night, went out for dinner with family as usual. Then after eating, as usual, we didn't want to go home. We actually sat in the car in the carpark for a few minutes, arguing about not knowing where to go... until I started laughing at the ridiculousness of our behaviour. Really. How mad, I say.

Why does the Western world seem to westernise everything. Especially our names. Melaka, not Malacca. And it's Mekkah, not Mecca. How can they mutilate Ibn Sina into Avicenna, Al-Ghazali into Algazel and Al-Khawarizmi into Algorizm (father of Algorithms), among many others. Beautiful names deformed and latinised. Until one can't tell it was the Arabs who came up with much of the mathematical methods and theories we use today. Singapore was their creation too, I bet. Sometimes, when you look at it, the world seems to bow at their feet. Ugh. Yes, we know, much of the progress of humanity is due to the West (especially Renaissance Italy, from what I gather in Rule of Four)... But there were other civlisations too before they became all powerful today. At least they should realise that. And not forget that, once you reach the peak, there's no where else to go but down. Be humble, I say.

~

Ami Ali insists they stole from us. I said, probably not all of it. But now I think it might have been a lot of it.

Adulthood is a glacier encroaching quietly on youth. When it arrives, the stamp of childhood suddenly freezes, capturing us for good in the image of our last act, the pose we struck when the ice of age set in.

~The Rule of Four