picture in my mind

One more paper to go. Chemistry.

What shall I say about the promos? I can say nothing good, of course. The papers were traumatising, to put it simply. Math especially. Halfway through, I was sweating so much, both from the heat and the panic seeping in, as I realised the danger of not knowing how to do almost half the questions. I nearly broke down and cried right there in the exam hall. I would have if not for the fact that it would be a waste of time if I did and I realised could at least TRY to do as much as I can.

Physics started off okay. Even though I coudn't do parts of Section B, I skipped it and did most parts of Section C. Went back to Section B, and then started to panic when I still couldn't do the questions I skipped. It LOOKED easy, believe me. The numbers they gave were simple, everything seemed straightforward, but I just couldn't do it. I almost wanted to strangle myself. It was as if I had a mental block that I couldn't lift. Two words kept running through my head the last twenty minutes, as I stared at the chunk of blank spaces in Section B - Oh no. All I thought was: Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. HOW! HOW! And that helped me in no way to solve the annoying questions.

Oh, and it also didn't help that when I was busy punching in numbers into the calculator, something small and solid fell on my hand. I thought it was a tiny pebble. It felt like it. But from the ceiling?! Then I saw it. A bee. On my table. It was upside down and wriggling its disgusting six legs in the air. I was horrified. I scooted a bit to the left. I stared at it for a good five seconds. Breathing hard. I was thinking, "No! Not now! Not during an exam! Stop plaguing me!" Let me just let you know now, in case you didn't know, that I am simply terrified of things with six legs, namely insects. Cockroaches are at the top of the list. So I was scared of the bee. Finally, thank god, I gathered the courage to swipe it off the table with my calculator. Thankfully it didn't come back or anything.

I am hoping beyond hope that I will do okay for chem. It's possibly the scariest, considering how it is my worst subject. It's scary how I'm only discovering things about reaction kinetics now. Going 'Oooooh. That's how it is...' Frightening. With so little time left.

I realise now how all this exam torture boils down to me being lazy. I should have dedicated more of my time this year to studying. I should learn to be more like duckie. Discipline. Discipline. Discipline. Then can enjoy.

My S papers are surely gone now, though there's 0.000001% hope left. I'll get over not getting S papers and not getting scholarship. It's just one of those things I'll learn to get over and realise that it's not meant to be. Am perhaps not meant to study overseas. The same way I'm not meant to be tall. Or pretty. Or a genius. God knows better.

Am surprised at how I am quite happy to be just the way I am. Despite everything.