here is non hoome, here nis but wildernesse

(from Balade de bon Conseyl)


some days, I feel like I can't dredge up the fight needed;
and I recall my younger days of wishing I could sink to the bottom of the ocean,
close out all the noise and oppressiveness...
and just escape. God, I feel so tired.

You know, you look around at human beings
running and running and running
after things;

and then I sit with my 5-year-old client and
I zone out and stare at him as he fiddles with the Lego pieces
-- and he just is.
Just is.
Why can't we be just is, please.
He looks up and shows me he's got it right,
and on to the next piece now.

It's quiet, and thoughtful, and peaceful, and good.

BTS in SG!

I thought I could let this concert pass by 

without much comment here,

but I was wrong.

I saw BTS live,

and I get it even more now

why people love them so.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Tonight was unbelievable ~

Truth Untold 

-- we all sang together, it was lovely and amazing.

When the rappers came on to do Tear, 

the whole crowd devolved into INSANE.

I have no words. 

Seriously, the energy!!! 

And hello, look at the awesome colours -- 

the screen became black and white for the rappers. 

And all the ARMY were lighted green.

GORGEOUS

I believe this was when V said I purple you

and all our lights became purple!!!!!!!

💜😭😍

What an experience! BTS is awesome but so are the ARMY fans, and it's true I think how the dynamic feeds into each side like an endless cycle. The way we all sing along, almost word for word, in Korean, mind you -- was astounding. The atmosphere was off-the-charts-insane. BTS has speeches and greetings, saying how surprised they are by our welcome, how much energy they get just being there with everyone, how much they missed Singapore, how they want to come again to see us -- and everyone is just screaming their heads off in happiness. I also have to add how much I love their efforts in speaking English to us, clearly rehearsed, but amazingly touching nonetheless. And of course, the visual aesthetics never let us down, even at such a huge concert venue -- the lights! and colours! playing off the music! the CLOTHES. At one point, both F and I looked at each other, and gushed about the boys' gorgeous jackets. Seriously, I want them jackets, they were beautiful.

At first, I thought I wouldn't let loose so much; I didn't expect myself to go completely fangirl-nuts. But then, the excitement just kept building up as the concert progressed; when they started doing the old songs (OMGGGGG) like I Need You, and Run, and Fun Boys, and Baepsae (OMGGGGGGG), I started to lose my cool. Then Truth Untold came on, and I utterly lost it. The lady next to me (who had her little kid with earmuffs on next to her) also went a bit nuts. The whole bench was vibrating with excitement. Right after the vocalists' showcase, the rappers came on with Tear (which I have to add is possibly my favourite rap piece by BTS ever), and ohmygodddddddddddd. I have no coherent words. It was SO COOL and everyone was shouting the chorus together and alternately screaming from all the awesome. I really wondered if they heard us all the way across the Kallang River.

They got goofier towards the end of the concert, and gave unscripted speeches in both English and Korean (translated, of course) -- and I love how natural and real they appeared. Jin was so goofy and funny and omg kental, it was so cute. He spoke his entire bit in English, and ended with okay, thank you, finish -- which sent everyone more or less into hysterics and squeals. They seemed really sincere, and tried to come close to everyone, and waved at everybody; at one point, Jimin came as close to our side as he possibly could (he was still tiny) and whilst F next to me was screaming Park Jimin! intermittently like she did throughout the whole concert, we waved our arms insanely in the air, and he waved back at the whole crowd -- I like to think our crazy hand waving made him wave back, hahahaha.

A taste of our singing along:

I was so happy we got to sing along together to Epiphany (my song of 2018).

Oh, BTS.

I didn't want the night to end.

I recently purchased an audiobook version of Checkmate (Dorothy Dunnett, Lymond Chronicles).
(How many versions of this series will I eventually possess, haha?)


Listened to this bit just this morning,
and can I say how much I love these lines?
Some of the best lines I've ever read:

...the moment of creation that occurs
when the warp is interlocked with the weft.
When the singer is matched with the sounding-board;
the dream with the poet.
When the sun and the fountain first meet one another.



So, so, so beautiful.
I would wait my whole life to witness such a thing.

:O

I'm gonna go make me more gamma waves!

In a separate thing I read, some other scientists did a study on the effect of gamma waves on mice and found that their brains built up less plaque (which apparently co-related to dieases like Alzheimer's...?). So if you put two and two together: praying or meditating leads to heightened gamma waves which lead to potentially brain longevity and health! 

In the Islamic culture, we always do say that someone who reads a lot of Quran or memorizes the Quran does not get dementia. There seems to be truth in that! In fact, I've been thinking how amazing/ridiculous it is: Islam stipulates Muslims pray with khusyu' i.e. practice mindfulness in prayer 5 times a day every day of our lives -- and here we are learning scientifically about mindfulness like it's a miraculous thing we should all suddenly take up. 

helllloooooo Muslims please pray it is good not just for your soul but your health. 

It's probably good in ways we will never know or understand.

God always knows.

it's 2019!

let's start the year with wise words

from this awesome lady:

 

 

Been thinking about how much of a sap I am, in the sense that I cry so easily, it's almost like a leaky tap. You could just nudge me (metaphorically) and you'd have trouble screwing shut the waterworks. This was so unbearably apparent especially when I had my brief spiritual retreat in December, and I would cry over seemingly the littlest, most mundane things. We would speak and share things in a fellowship meeting and anybody's tears almost guarantees my tears; and when I speak I devolve into a complete mess. You'd think it's an ability of sorts to feel what someone else feels, and cry easily (I could probably act very well if I put my mind to it). But the way I am, I am more often horrified and embarrassed. People would cry over their problems and I'd end up crying more crazily than them and it gets embarrassing??? Hahaha. And people would sometimes wonder if I had a similar problem or something. Sometimes yes, I suppose, but mostly... no?

When one of my colleagues broke up years ago and she was hiding, weeping, in her clinic room, I went to talk to her and started crying myself, and had to apologise for it -- because why am I crying??? HAHA. It's ridiculous. I appreciate that I empathise well, but sometimes, other people's feelings overwhelm me and my own feelings overwhelm me and why am I processing this for everybody, it's exhausting. Goodness, creating boundaries is hard. I go to extremes: either your feelings flood me entirely or I shut you down, you're out of my space. I cannot deal! I'm trying to build my essential self and develop that wisdom that is able to step back from my live wire, but my God, this is a lifelong struggle, I feel.

May this year be fruitful, beautiful, and full of happy surprises.
God, I need them, thank You.


---

Integrity, the kind that meets the demands of reality, is character that can handle another person's not being all someone needs that person to be. By moving as a positive force that is "for" the other person's getting better, as opposed to moving against him or disengaging because he isn't, the person leverages him to a higher level. As a result, these people do not get dragged down by other people's failures, but are a force of redemption in any situation, bringing it to a higher level. That translates into a relationship being healed in one's personal life, or a company getting turned around in one's business life. Either way, his or her character has been a force "for" the good of the other, even when no one made her do it. And that is why when you look at the long-term wake of this kind of person, you find long-term, successful relationships and work scenarios. When troublesome realities come along, his or her character was able to meet those demands and be a redemptive force.

-- Integrity: The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality, by Dr Henry Cloud

This reminds me of what was mentioned in Arabic class last Sunday, when Mudaris talked about the difference between the soleh (the good) person, and the muslih (the good one who influences others to goodness). And isn't the best at this the Prophet s.a.w., whose very being influenced all sorts of goodness? ❤



Ganbatte, S!

what the soul chooses to love

Whatever the soul chooses to love, it will resemble;
therefore, what we choose to love is important.
Love is the force behind every level of existence.
There is some good in every attraction,
but there is a process of refining attraction,
of choosing what to love,
so that we are energized by a wider, purer love.

...

If the suffering and drama of this world were not real,
unconditional Love would have no place.
The imperfection of the world is what gives birth
to the reality of Love -- an unconditional Love
that loves even this imperfection.
Love is a quality of the unconditioned and infinite
that penetrates the imperfect and conditioned world,
bringing with it a taste of beauty and mercy.
If Love were reserved only for the lovable
it would not be cosmic. The mystery and mercy of Love is
that we are its recipients despite our faults and weaknesses.
Knowing this allows us to love even our enemies
and to love more of this imperfect world.

~ Living Presence: The Sufi Path to Mindfulness and the Essential Self, Kabir Helminski

ghina an-nafs

After the horror of the past year++,
and finally feeling like I crossed a huge internal hurdle,
(circa July 2018 -- a moment now carved in my memory)
I did tell myself that I wanted to have a reflective end-year post this year
like the ones I used to have before.

The end of last year felt like a nightmare.
And the end of this year,
Alhamdulillah!
A spring is growing in my heart again,
and I've found my footing, insya Allah. (:



At the start of the year, I blogged briefly about a dream I had where I'd discovered I had eyes behind my normal eyes, and how I was so freaked out in my dream, I shut them again and hid them away, and pretended they weren't there. In retrospect, it was a prophecy of sorts, perhaps.

I think I've received new eyes this year, a terrifying new thing,
but Subhanallah, I am so deeply grateful now.
(A million purple hearts won't suffice. 💜 )
I literally corrected my eyes and now am utterly
spectacles-free and contact-lens-free.
At the same time, I feel like I'm understanding and seeing things
so much more differently now, and hope to sustain it well into my future,
so that I may hold myself in stead,
at all times as much as possible.
And be the best person that I can be.


a list for 2018 (excuse the lack of coherence):

* a sudden (and very recent) epiphany on that famous hadith about richness being not that of material things but richness of the soul, after reading a book about Sufi mindfulness and building an essential Self. The concept of always returning to your essential Self being the richness of your soul -- ghina an-nafs (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I realise taking the arabic words literally led me to this mind-blowing conclusion.)

*MINDFULNESS -- perhaps theme of the year, after LOVING YOURSELF. And um, isn't mindfulness basically the concept of taqwa in Islam, wow. Mindfulness is basically key to a lot of successes because of the self-awareness and strength of will it cultivates.

*Loving yourself being the start of the integration of the self, insya Allah. Jin's song, Epiphany, wins my Song of the Year.

*WORK must be within and without. I must attend not just to the internal landscape of my mind, but also my body, and my space/environment. I am developing my S function, yay! hopefully slowly but surely.

*Work albeit minute steps to improving health and fitness. Although I occasionally still fail like tonight when I should already be sleeping, ahhhhhh.

*Developing a schedule (conscientiousness being a way to balance the chaos of creativity, especially as harped on by Jordan Peterson) -- slowly but I hope to grow and be consistent

*Jordan Peterson! who makes so apparent real religious truths by his uncompromising manner with logic and rationality, conscious or not on his part. Jordan Peterson's clean up your room! and KonMari corroborates. Jordan Peterson's treat yourself as if you are valuable and BTS's Loving Yourself corroborates. Jordan Peterson's contentions about male-female issues -- I don't know if he realises that the rules and norms he talks about are already stipulated in Islam :P

*JAPAN -- I thought I couldn't love you any more, but I do. And now I have a beautiful spot (i.e. Kamikochi) in the world I have locked away in memory as a promise to return again.

*BTS being increasingly awesome every year. At this point, they're at least Beatles-level. People are just not acknowledging it very well yet. *shhhh I will see them next year, yayyyyy*

*Expanding book clubs!! yayyy Alhamdulillah. And loving the fact that my personal book club is going on to serious classics, and how we're more ready now for such big, heavy works as part of a natural progression.


Thank You.

Humility, gratitude, and love are key, S.

may 2019 bring even more beautiful rain
to water the spring in my heart.

what we can know depends on our state of consciousness

What does it mean to care for your soul? Care of the soul is the constant practice of bringing loving attention to the problems, conflicts,  and longings of our lives. Emotional suffering is something to be attended to, not split off from. We can learn to read our life as a story, rather than as a clinical case. Moreover, if the story we have been telling ourselves is a melodrama or tragedy, we need to rewrite the story. Every human life, when seen from the perspective of the unrelenting Divine Mercy, is the story of grace unfolding. Love is revealing itself in the precise details of each human life, if only we do not impose the script of self-pity, bitterness, and fearfulness. The soul is where the divine attributes of God may be awakened from their latent state to be integrated into our character. These qualities are the soul's natural inheritance from the Divine. It is through communion with the Divine that the soul takes on the spiritual attributes of kindness, generosity, courage, forgiveness, patience, and freedom.

What are the signs that someone has begun to acquire a soul? More constancy in presence, more intentionality, and more remembrance in outer life.  The spiritual teacher is very familiar with the ploys of the ego self, how it interferes with people's spiritual intentions, distracts them, subverts them. That's why, especially in the beginning, it is so important to be intentional in relation to one's spiritual commitments. Without giving priority to such commitments there is little chance of transforming the false self and developing soul.

Eventually, as the soul develops it will show this constancy even in our dreams - that is, even to the depths of our subconscious mind.

The soul is a knowing substance that knows the Reality beyond time and space. To acquire this kind of knowing is to become illuminated, to be connected to a greater intelligence that will guide every step of your life. Instead of living in fear and uncertainty, you will more and more be able to trust the unfolding of Life.

...

Beyond the facts of sensory existence, or concurrent with this existence, is the dimension of qualities that are perceived by even subtler faculties than our senses. If we read great poetry with only our sensory mind and intellect, we may know the literal, concrete meanings of the words - we may know whether or not it makes sense on a concrete or intellectual level - but we will not necessarily know the meaning, feel the nuances, or catch the emotional taste of it. We may in one moment be reading poetry as mere words, but with a change of consciousness, with the heart open and engaged, the same lines might inexplicably bring tears to our eyes. What is it that controls this flow of tears? Why does this experience arise from our depths? What we experience is dependent on our state of consciousness.

~ Living Presence: The Sufi Path to Mindfulness and the Essential Self, by Kabir Helminski

the hidden Sea

The final type of conversation, akin to listening, is a form of mutual exploration. It requires true reciprocity on the part of those listening and speaking. It allows all participants to express and organize their thoughts. A conversation of mutual exploration has a topic, generally complex, of genuine interest to the participants. Everyone participating is trying to solve a problem, instead of insisting on the a priori validity of their own positions. All are acting on the premise that they have something to learn. This kind of conversation constitutes active philosophy, the highest form of thought, and the best preparation for proper living.

...

It's as if you are listening to yourself during such a conversation, just as you are listening to the other person. You are describing how you are responding to the new information imparted by the speaker. You are reporting what that information has done to you - what new things it made appear within you, how it has changed your presuppositions, how it has made you think of new questions. You tell the speaker these things, directly. Then they have the same effect on him. In this manner, you both move towards somewhere newer and broader and better. You both change, as you let your old presuppositions die - as you shed your skins and emerge renewed.

A conversation such as this one where it is the desire for the truth itself - on the part of both participants - that is truly listening and speaking. That's why it's engaging, vital, interesting and meaningful. That sense of meaning is a signal from the deep ancient parts of your Being. You're where you should be, with one foot in order, and the other tentatively extended into chaos and the unknown. You're immersed in the Tao, following the great Way of Life. There, you're stable enough to be secure, but flexible enough to transform.

~ Rule 9: Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don't, from 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, by Jordan Peterson


Alhamdulillah! for the times I've had such wonderful conversations.




God has made nonexistence appear solid and respectable;
and He has made existence appear in the guise of nonexistence.
He has hidden the Sea and made the foam visible,
He has concealed the Wind and shown you the dust.
~ Rumi: Mathnawi V: 1026-27

sayonara sotto sotto

I've been revisiting Monkey Majik's songs,

and really love this one too, called Sakura.

This gives me the right tone and emotion,

for the end of another year of learning,

and growing.

We never stop growing!

as long as we live.

The petals softly, softly flutter like they're dancing.
A new season, surely, surely, is beginning.
Because we won't ever, ever forget these tears.
This moment is dazzling.

Goodbye, softly, softly, to the feelings in my heart.
Until the day we surely, surely meet again.
We pursue our dreams, forever and ever,
under the same sky.
This moment is dazzling,
beneath the row of cherry trees.

It feels like I've lost quite a bit of momentum with writing since my trip, and my thoughts haven't begged to be channeled out yet, which I find... unsettling. I'm used to having that need and urge, to... be verbose, and rant on. But maybe it's the maturity and perspective slowly asserting their restraint on my overall person. I have been feeling... fairly contained. Perhaps it's a wonderful reflection of the amount of healing that I've done for my person, and the amount of equanimity and peace I have won, insya Allah.

My thoughts still swirl around, and typically, I still have the habitual I-should-blog-about-that moments; or ideas and reflections that I think should be penned down. But... I don't know. I feel a little different these days.



I did have a dream this week though, that stayed with me. In this dream, over repeated scenarios, I was arguing and desperately trying to bring my point across and convince people of something. I was using words, and debate -- it might have been a courtroom, or a lecture hall at one point. And there were several ladies that were quite mean and condescending, and I felt so angry and oppressed, and feeling very much the futility of my efforts in trying to win the case (whatever it was). At one point, I had got so upset, I was about to cry in front of them, and resort to saying how horrible they were -- but the scene had moved on to my picking up pieces of glass off the floor. The glass pieces seemed to symbolise whatever it was that I was trying to fight for. My dream self had decided that the arguing was pointless and maybe I could do something with those pieces instead. And I remember a couple of friends helping me to pick up the pieces. One friend was someone thoroughly familiar, but the other person who was just diligently picking up the pieces (despite my protesting her help) was someone fairly unexpected and I was surprised when I looked back on the dream, that she had appeared there.

But after a while, it did make sense that she was there. She was one of those people who I'd always thought was more doer than talker; someone I admired who was quietly observant, and would make her point, by being, instead of proposing or talking. And that's what I think my psyche has been trying to move towards. I feel like, it's the natural conclusion for me now, to stop fighting and being somewhat resentful of perceived stupidity or injustice or overall block-headedness in my environment. Instead, just do. Be the change you want to see. A cliche by Gandhi, but it's true isn't it.

The lamenting and the incessant complaining and the theorizing and abstractly figuring things out I've been doing for years (throughout my twenties and perhaps earlier) and being just appalled with the way the world is in many spaces (rightly or not) -- I'm moving on from that now. One can go blue in the face trying to convince people to change their minds about things. I'm done being angry, I think. I hope. Things don't change when you try to convince people of them. You just do them instead. Or you live it.

I'm taking on this motto for my life now:
see something that needs to be worked on? Work on it.
Don't be angry with people; be kind.




If we're going to make true belonging a daily practice in our lives, we're going to need a strong back and a soft front. We'll need both courage and vulnerability as we abandon the certainty and safety of our ideological bunkers and head off into the wilderness.

True belonging is, however, more than strong back and soft front. Once we've found the courage to stand alone, to say what we believe and do what we feel is right despite the criticism and fear, we may leave the wilderness, but the wild has marked our heart. That doesn't mean the wilderness is no longer difficult, it means that once we've braved it on our own, we will be painfully aware of our choices moving forward. We can spend our entire life betraying ourself and choose fitting in over standing alone. But once we've stood up for ourself and our beliefs, the bar is higher. A wild heart fights fitting in and grieves betrayal.

...

A wild heart is awake to the pain in the world, but does not diminish its own pain.
A wild heart can beat with gratitude and lean in to pure joy without denying the struggle in the world.
We hold that tension with the spirit of the wilderness.
It's not always easy or comfortable - sometimes we struggle with the weight of the pull -
but what makes it possible is a front made of love and a back built of courage.

~ Braving The Wilderness, by Brene Brown

i'm back!

It's probably strange to open this post about my trip to Japan

with a picture of this cup, but I feel it is very much apt.

This cup was purchased on the day we were in Matsumoto, on the journey back to Tokyo,

after the wonderful few days we had in the Hida Mountains.

Matsumoto (Central Japan), turns out to be quite a city of the arts; for one, it was the birthplace of the famous artist Yayoi Kusama. The museum housed much of her history and works. One of their famous shopping streets too had countless crafts on sale; pottery was one of them. After browsing a cute shop full of handmade pottery, I felt like I needed to get something (partly cause we felt bad browsing endlessly and not buying anything) -- and in retrospect, I'm so glad I got the above cup. It's simple, but beautiful, and one of a kind. And there's something about it that reminds me of that essence of Japanese culture that I so admire -- an appreciation and a cherishing of objects and nature. It's not like I hadn't known it before, but it struck me more this time: how much respect these people have for things, and how that translates to respect for human beings and for the environment. Like this cup, most things are so well-made, well-thought out, and gently and quietly cherished; and it inspires one to respect the object and the maker. I absolutely love this cup now, and I'll always remember the quiet shop E and I tiptoed around in, for fear we might crash and break things; and the cute old lady, who quietly smiling, wrapped up my cup in paper and bubble wrap.

I love that about Japan; their quiet politeness and gentleness, and respect for things. All things. E and I talked much about how wonderful their recycling culture is -- when you finish at Starbucks (which of course we did more than once! gorgeous Starbucks too; this one here was a wooden warehouse building all on its own, in Hakodate, Hokkaido), you need to sort out all your trash into the correct bins: liquid and food waste separate, plastics down another chute, paper in yet another space. The spaces designated for all things, make you aware of how you treat your own space, and other people, and things -- I love how shoes are always neatly arranged for instance, no matter where. At one point, someone anonymous (likely a random guide), had arranged our shoes while we were blithely exploring a no-footwear museum space, and we were fairly horrified, and subsequently attempted to always arrange our shoes when we took them off. I've taken to arranging all footwear in my house in this manner, haha.

Ganbatte, S! to striving to continue to grow in respect and gratitude, toward all things, places, and peoples in this world. I came home even more psyched to continue to konmari and clean up my space.

I had said that I wanted to replenish my self by resting with beautiful things;

and I certainly got that.

I really, really, really loved the Hida mountains;

there was nothing short of splendour there:

loved the autumn trees,

the quiet majestic mountains,

the clear rivers.

The water was so spectacularly clean and sometimes an amazing blue,

I can't even -- (I want to burst with awe)

and the fact that we stayed a few nights in isolated ryokans in the mountains,

accorded us some of that quiet isolation we wanted with nature.

 The day we were in Kamikochi was amazing (and freezing cold, hahaha).

We were walking by this river, and when we had walked a fair bit, it became quiet,

because most people didn't seem to venture that far;

the place was a camping ground (we spotted a few tents).

The view was spectacular.

I couldn't believe we were just there on our own, trekking around;

it was so beautiful. And peaceful. I've decided I will be back some day.

And the yellow autumn trees! were everywhere.

I could indulge in my love for yellow; 

people have said I looked good in yellow, hehe.

not sure how to end this post,

but maybe with a series of ridiculously pretty and beautiful things.

even our food is so prettily laid out:

Shirakawa-go was basically like a fairytale place.

You can easily imagine Little Red Riding Hood walking by,

picking flowers.

and more of the beautiful trees and mountains:

(zero filters for all my pictures here;

they needed none.)

Thank You God for such beauty.

I like this Jeremy Bearimy timeline hahaha.

I feel like The Good Place has reached that point, the way it did with Supernatural,
where they grapple with the whole heaven-hell-afterlife backstory and making it plausible;
it gets a bit what, eh at times, but mostly this is still fun and I have no idea where it will go,
hehe. Let's hope this show figures it out.


On other matters,

my long-awaited holiday escape is impending!

And I think it's a good time to take a rest from all of cyber-life for a while,
from the stresses and pressures of societal demands, and everyday expectations.
This year has been a long, taxing lesson (Alhamdulillah! in a lot of ways).
I haven't blogged this prolifically in years:
I have had inner openings; mind-blowing revelations; painful slaps of self-awareness;
made painstaking efforts at establishing inner harmony, which as I go on, I realise
is like sitting on the point of a knife. So difficult to sustain,
and maintained with acute awareness and vigilance. So easy to lapse.

but I'd like to take some time off for now,
switch off, replenish, and be quiet with nature,
with beautiful things.



Ja!

Hypersimplified morality stops you from tapping into deeper recesses of your psyche. It's partly because they're primal forces; it's not surprising that you don't want to have anything to do with them, that you stay away from situations where they might make themselves manifest. But the problem is, by denying the worst in yourself in that manner, suppressing it, you preclude the possibility of the best. Because no one can be a good person without integrating their capacity for aggression. Because without that capacity for aggression you cannot say 'no'. Because 'no' means there is nothing you can do to me that will make me change my mind. Or conversely, I will play for higher stakes than you will. And unless you've got your aggression integrated, there isn't a chance you can say that, and if you said it, no one will take you seriously. They'd know it was just a show.

-- Jordan Peterson talking about Jung's idea of integrating one's shadow




You should be able to do things that you wouldn't do; 
that's the definition of a genuinely moral person.

I actually had to pause so I can post it here,

because it's just so damn good.

Everybody is a strange mixture of victim and victimizer. Lots of terrible things happen to people that aren't justifiable in some sense; illness strikes people randomly; where you're thrown into existence as a consequence of your birth; there's going to be times in your life where things twist in a manner that's unfair to you. But that goes along with the unequally distributed privileges as well. That's the arbitrary nature of existence. But you can't allow those sorts of things to define you, because it's not that useful strategically.

When you're playing a card game, you're dealt a hand of cards; 
well, what do you do? You play the hand the best you can.

Why? Because all the hands are equal? No! Because you don't have a better strategy than playing the hand that you're dealt the best you can. And that doesn't even mean it'll be a winning strategy. Because people don't always win; sometimes we lose, sometimes we lose painfully, sometimes we lose painfully and unjustly. That's not the point. The point is you don't have a better strategy. And neither does anyone else.

If you start to regard yourself as a hapless victim, or even worse, an unfairly victimised victim, well then things go very badly sideways for you, it's not a good strategy. You end up resentful, you end up angry, you end up vengeful, you end up hostile, and that's just the beginning. Things can get far more out of hand than that.

It's better to take responsibility for the hand that you've been dealt.


Everything Dr Peterson says in this resonates with me, especially with respect to new ideas and thoughts that I've pondered over the past year; he basically summed up for me, all of East of Eden, and why it struck me so deeply. That whole thing up there; that's Cal's story! (and each of our stories too) Facing your own capacity for evil and struggling with the hurt and injustice one suffers in life, as a necessity toward real good. He mentions Harry Potter too, haha. I cried at multiple points of this talk.

This man is here to stay on my list of admirable people.
I am floored by how intelligent he is,
and how real and honest he is about the search for truth and meaning.

basic laws of emotional physics

simple but powerful truths that help us understand why courage is both transformational and rare.

1. If we are brave enough often enough, we will fall; this is the physics of vulnerability.

2. Once we fall in the service of being brave, we can never go back.

During the process of rising, we sometimes find ourselves homesick for a place that no longer exists. We want to go back to that moment before we walked into the arena, but there's nowhere to go back to. What makes this more difficult is that now we have a new level of awareness about what it means to be brave. We can't fake it anymore. We now know when we're showing up and when we're hiding out, when we are living our values and when we are not. Our new awareness can also be invigorating -- it can reignite our sense of purpose and remind us of our commitment to wholeheartedness. Straddling the tension that lies between wanting to go back to the moment before we risked and fell and being pulled forward to even greater courage is an in escapable part of rising strong.

3. This journey belongs to no one but you; however, no one successfully goes it alone.

4. We're wired for story.

5. Creativity embeds knowledge so that it can become practice. We move what we're learning from our heads to our hearts through our hands.

6. Rising strong is the same process whether you're navigating personal or professional struggles.

7. Comparative suffering is a function of fear and scarcity.

8. You can't engineer an emotional, vulnerable, and courageous process into an easy, one-size-fits-all formula.

9. Courage is contagious.

10. Rising strong is a spiritual practice.

-- Rising Strong, by Brene Brown.

That night I am sitting at the kitchen table, just lost in my thoughts, when Edison brings me a cup of tea. "What's this for baby?" I say, smiling.

"I thought you could use it," he tells me. "You look tired."

"I am," I confess. "I am so damn tired."

We both know I'm not talking about the first two days of testimony, either.

Edison sits down beside me, and I squeeze his hand. "It's exhausting, isn't it? Trying so hard to prove that you're better than they expect you to be?"

-- Small Great Things, by Jodi Picoult


Exhausting.

the truth untold, but it's raining

just revisiting some beautiful things.


There's a difference between absence and death
and you are needed.
-- Checkmate, Dorothy Dunnett

and this song is really so heartbreakingly lovely.

💔

need to keep up my discipline
--> to keep up my health
--> to do what needs to be done

Every now and then the universe tells you what book you need to read;
it does this by placing the name of that book and author in front of you in various contexts,
until you can't help but take note.

You ignore book recommendations from the universe at your peril.

-- Books For Living: Some Thoughts on Reading, Reflecting, and Embracing Life, by Will Schwalbe



Amusingly, I feel this is true. It's written tongue-in-cheek, but anybody who's ever felt a connection to reading probably knows this. In fact, I do think, it's not just reading; it can be a talk, a lecture, an encounter, a person you bumped into -- it's a being attuned to the world around you, that nudges you in the direction you need to go.

At the highest level of psychological integration,
there is no difference between you and your experience.
-- Carl Jung