I've been recalling lately, what one of my friends off-handedly said about me, whilst we were deep in our book club discussions --

(and let me quickly proclaim here how much a book club reveals about your friends: things you'd never think to discuss; their deep-seated fears, hopes, and beliefs; their dreams; their opinions of you)



I was trying to explain why our views were different: she was obviously the most practical out of all of us and I conceded that I was very impractical and on the other end of the spectrum, hence our varying outlooks.

then she said, "you're not impractical, you're whimsical!"

she didn't even think I belonged on the spectrum.

I was like, "I'm not even on the spectrum of normal??? How can I not be on the spectrum!"


And then on some days, yes, I see why I am a Nodame.

:(

Ah well, S.

If Nodame can be happy and achieve great things, you can too.

nutso Nodame! hahaha.

W on Fire

saw this on my tumblr dashboard while at work

and could barely stop from laughing out loud.

ahhhh, when obsessions collide...

this is perfect.

life is a sincere plodding along...

Thank You for putting wonderful people around me,

who help me as I plod along.

Feeling kind of good cause training didn't go too badly today

and I'm rediscovering my tenacity -- yes, let's not give up, S.

You can't get better if you don't suck in the first place.

I wanted to refrain from flooding this place with all things korean entertainment --

but I've been revisiting my first kpop love
(and their top 10 must-listen songs -- with my favourite of all time, Haru Haru, at the top);

and this one here is just too beautiful not to keep.

amazing.

And this one's just so ridiculously good, I can't even --

W ftw!

ohmygoodness, W, what are you doing to all of us kdrama viewers!

we can barely hold ourselves together!

I immediately visited tumblr the moment I finished the latest episode,

and yes, I agree with this gif that some people have been sharing; 

this is how I look like after every new W episode:

Luckily I am home-alone tonight (sad life of a workaholic-but-actually-kdrama-binger)

so I was exclaiming like crazy over the screen without any qualms.

I am trying to be less incoherent and explain what W is all about to my non-kdrama friends, 

but seriously, I was not kidding when I say I don't know how to begin describing it 

to encapsulate everything that it is.

SPOILER

Okay, so here's the deal:

We have our female lead, Oh Yeon Joo, a doctor whose dad, Oh Seung Moo, is the creator of a famous comic series called W. In the first episode, we see that Dad is somewhat depressed and apparently wants to just quit his work and stop drawing cartoons; he attempts to kill off everyone's favourite hero in the comic, Kang Chul, so that his comic series will end. (It's like Rowling just letting Harry die while Voldemort lives on, or Dunnett letting Lymond die without vindication -- I would not be able to cope ahah.) Except that Kang Chul would not die. This is where Yeon Joo, for some mysterious reason or other, keeps getting sucked into the universe of W the comic, and ends up always saving Kang Chul, whilst her dad keeps trying to kill him instead! The comic storyline keeps changing of its own accord while Yeon Joo has her adventures with Kang Chul, and Seung Moo cannot do anything about it.

As the drama progresses, we learn that Seung Moo did not initially want to kill Kang Chul; but that he had gradually become afraid of the lack of control over the direction of his story. His story has been acting weird for a while now and he wants to end it. There's a memorable piece from the first episode that I'm remembering now: a quote that goes something like "kill your creation before it overwhelms and kills you".

Yeon Joo starts spending longer and longer in the world of the comic W, and she knows it's crazy, and she knows Kang Chul is a comic character, and soon enough even our intelligent hero learns that he is a comic character -- but heck care to the logic -- we have an OTP, whoooo! 

I forget to mention that Kang Chul's life story, i.e. the main plot of W the comic, is a revenge-laden one: he' an ex-Olympic sharpshooter but now a rich-eligible-billionaire on a quest to find the man who murdered his entire family when he was young. 

So then -- there's a murderer on the loose! AND GAH. I will stop here because I don't have the energy to explain anymore how Yeon Joo, despite being from the real world, is in danger of being killed by this crazy murderer -- who also by the way, comes to the real world and starts revolting against Seung Moo his creator for wanting to end the comic too. Also, did I mention that Seung Moo himself, as the creator, did not have in mind who he wanted as the murderer in his story? Basically, there is a scary faceless, Nazgul-type cloaked villain, walking around in both worlds. And we have Kang Chul still trying to be hero -- my mind is blown away constantly at every step in this story.

THIS STORY IS NUTS but I am loving it. 

Kdrama-watchers are lapping this up because we HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THIS IS GOING 

and it scares the frak out of all of us. 

so much love for this story right now.

So the whole of Singapore has been talking about Schooling and his gold medal since morning.

On the way to work, the cab driver was all, 

"Eh, the hospital got TV or not? 9 o'clock you all must stop work and watch!"

When my parent participants started strolling in for the workshop, 

all of them were super excited,

and all we could talk about was Schooling;

so we watched it on Toggle together.

And screamed together when he won!

Honestly, I probably wouldn't have witnessed it if I wasn't running this workshop.

Which makes me extra sad that next week is the last week; I actually will be very happy to have my Saturdays back, but -- this was a wonderful workshop run. And I do love love love working with parents and their kids, because parent education is actually number one when it comes to making a change in children's lives. It's so great to have parents really get it, you know -- how speech therapy works, and how they can be empowered to help.


On a fairly separate note:

God, help me be brave and strong and continue to strive to goodness regardless of the reality of my situation. Amin.

current kpop obsession BTS led me to this

unbelievable video of a dance cover by a Taekwando group:

BTS themselves dancing already so awesome I basically repeat-watch one million times.

but this this this this.

This is jaw-dropping.

And here I am, clumsily bumping into door frames

and tripping over my feet for no rhyme or reason.

In another life,

I want to be a martial artist and a dancer.

guhhhhhh.

W for awesome

My pattern in recent times has been this: work, work, work, korean drama, sleep, work, work, work, korean drama, homework, sleep, work, work, work, korean drama, homework, sleep, work, work, work, work, work, work.

It's terrible, I know, but that's what's it been like, mostly. Well, of course I exaggerate, and I do squeeze in occasional family get-togethers and friend meet-ups; but I feel a general interminable exhaustion. Work is like a mega big boulder on my shoulders right now -- and maybe, hopefully, when I pass my clinic training (insya Allah! because things seem to be going okay, Alhamdulillah~) and finish running my workshop, things will calm and I can return to some semblance of a decent human being.

Right now though, in between work, korean drama is my soma --

and can I please rave about W - Two Worlds: 

a drama so unprecedented in its awesomeness, I choke up.

It's fandom and meta and romance and action and mystery and dare I say, philosophy; 

and ohmygod twists at every corner, 

and ohmygod hilarious stuff that make me want to shriek out loud in laughter 

-- how do I summarise how this drama is.

Maybe these gifs can give an idea:

Our hero is a fictional character but our heroine is real, 

(but actually, you know they're both fictional -- ehehehhhh whutttt)

and our hero realises this at some point, discusses it and grapples with his existential crisis--

way to blow our minds, writers.

I am terrified of where this is supposed to go though, 

because unless there is some other mind-bending warp going around, 

I don't see how our hero and heroine can realise their OTP 

seeing as how they live in completely different worlds. 

(Ohmygoodness, this is bringing back memories of DM of my teenage years.)

This is an unsubbed clip (hopefully it will be subbed proper at some point!) 

but it's my absolute favourite bit from the drama so far

-- for the sheer amount of crack in it; ohmygod I couldn't stop laughing.

Here he tells her to choose which romance line 

they should make for the direction of the story now: 

(i) a cinderella-type romance complete with a fancy ball

(ii) going on a romantic trip 

(iii) every day slice of life romance

(iv) bold and strong x-rated romance

Hilarious and on-point series of reviews by a first-time reader of Lymond at Books, Booze, and Brunch:

The other thing that's so incredible about Dunnett's writing is that she never recycles an emotional punch. Each time she breaks your heart it's in a completely new way, even if it involves the same characters.

...

I was talking with another friend of mine who's also reading this series for the first time, and we were saying how it feels like we've spent our entire lives preparing to properly love Francis Crawford. I don't know if I can express it better than that, because I feel like this book just fully cracked open my heart.


yessss. I know I have a book club, and it's, insya Allah, expanding in good ways heheee, and I am excited ((: but the day when we discuss Lymond will be a milestone. Not to mention when I finally get to King Hereafter and the Niccolo series.

You know, people tag me as being a Harry Potter fan, which I am, yes, definitely -- but I am a fan of so many other things, not the least of which is Lymond (I mean, Lymond rivals Harry Potter at the top of the list, come on) -- and well, sometimes I get annoyed when people think they know me when they don't, thank you very much. Okay, I don't know where that came from :P

waiting on the clouds of goodness

I figured I should just sit and start typing. There are precious few moments when time coincides with mood, so I should just do it.

You know, I won't claim to be a writer. Professional writers earn money; I obviously don't. I write in obscurity. And I write without structure or aim. But I know what it feels like to write properly, and it's not about having time. Well, at least not just time alone. It's about time, and flow. It's about being in a mood, a certain frame of mind that allows the smooth channeling of thoughts into tangible words on a screen, on paper. And that flow, that mood -- it doesn't come on command.

Just earlier this week, I was talking over with a colleague about the apparent lack of time to enjoy my creative pursuits. Being the ISTJ-personality type (I have deduced heheh), she started breaking down my hours in the day for me, and proving to me that I have a good hour or two every day for doing whatever I wanted. (Which now, as I think on it, leaves my friends who are mothers zero time for themselves -- I don't blame them for never being able to blog about our books.) But see, what she failed to get is that -- I can't just plop down for 2 hours and then write. That hasn't been how I've written all the years before; I simmer, I kind of mull around by myself for hours, and then get into a mood, and then I write. And I write without concern for time, food, or persons. (Which is probably ridiculous...)

The problem then appears to be that my mind hasn't been in a reflective/writing mood for extended periods -- hence my lack of writing proper in general -- and results in the attrition of my general psychological well-being. Because my writing is the space I work through my confusing thoughts, my conflicting feelings, and life's heartaches and joys. Without it, I feel like I'm bottling up a whole jar of pain and unclarified ideas. How on earth do other people live life without doing this? Don't the rest of you all have messes inside your hearts and minds? Maybe some people just talk it out. Some people paint, or do comic art --

haha, oh heart.

So yes, I need to write. But I feel a pressure however, in some ways, not to. Like if I could only just be less dreamy, less drifty, less me perhaps -- I would be more accomplished, focused, goal-oriented.

Balance truly is the elusive ideal.


Anyway, the only reason I am posting today is because I am on sick leave and I actually have time on my hands. Again, time supposed to be better spent working on research proposals or studying for my clinic maybe, and time to rest -- but I needed to do this. To resume doing a little of this.

Last night, our ladies' gathering had a nice little sharing at one point that resulted in pretty much tears all round -- because we talked about how everyone has their own private challenges, but then never to despair because only the best of us are tested, and we are tested to the degree of our mettle and substance. And how can you even think that Allah and Rasul s.a.w. would ever abandon you? Ever, ever, ever. If we would only just think on that, everyone, we will all be okay, and stay strong, and be hopeful for the clouds of goodness waiting to rain on us some day.

:)

After the previous post, E unsurprisingly texted me: what's up with the emo!


... what can I do?

Late night posts -- and I only ever seem to get in a writing mood late at night -- inevitably have emotions running wild. It's when your brain starts to sleep and emotions awake, you see.

I have a rule for myself -- when things get posted, I never remove them (unless it ever comes to the point when an external party requests; guhhhhuh when would that ever be the case). I am a stickler for authenticity. Even if you may not feel like that now, you felt like that then. So don't deny the parts of you that are still you.


It's like that quote from George Bernard Shaw's Candida that stuck with me --

“Do you think that the things people make fools of themselves about are any less real and true than the things they behave sensibly about? They are more true: they are the only things that are true.”

Because they represent deep-seated stuff about you that you never reveal except at moments of unguardedness. I wish we could be all be more true, and less sensible.

And.... this has been a nice distraction!

words would limit this miasma in my heart
but if I don't attempt to give words to these intangibles, they will sit like poison inside.

Selamat Hari Raya!


Super late post -- but hey, it's still Syawal.

I've had a post simmering in my head for weeks, and had serious things to rant about, and some thoughtful things to share about, and heartaches to soothe -- but gah, I'm exhausted. And sometimes, the more I want to write, the bigger the imaginary draft is in my head, and the harder it appears for me to get to writing cause I keep waiting for a perfect window of time, but that window of time never seems to come!

For now, just let me blog list-like; the reasons I'm so exhausted include:

- Ongoing raya festivities, which is hey, a good thing, but stuffing oneself with food, and alternately stuffing other people with food is a time-consuming activity

- Hanen parent workshop just started i.e. I am working so many Saturdays I cry from lack of sleep; basically the rare Saturdays are the only times I get to sleep in and for now I don't anymore; and I find it so impossible to be disciplined about sleeping early, so basically I sleep so little -- I'm really endangering my eye and brain health if I keep this up.

- Training for a new feeding-related clinic also just started, ohgoshhhh. I want to do well at this. I'm actually feeling interested about the theory bit and that's always a good sign: because I'm the type to do really well at the stuff I like, and be completely crap at things I find boring, no matter if you tell me how important it is. So yes, I pray this turns out well, insya Allah.

- It's about two months in to my new Arabic classes that are scheduled Monday nights (on top of my consistent Sunday Arabic classes) -- and god, I am feeling the pain. What was I thinking, having a full-blown stressful class right after work. I do this to my own life, don't I? Why am I so stubborn and nutso. Why. why, S, why. Why do you frustrate even yourself, or more like, especially yourself. And now I am rambling and digressing from the topic of Arabic class so I shall stop.

- Projects we should be getting to but we keep stalling because of concurrent work and all of the above. Why do I feel like there's always one million things happening at once. (ohmygod, is my thyroid acting up.)


Barely two months out of the peaceful highlands and I am already yearning to be back.

And I'm still waiting for that perfect window of time so that I can blog-post my thoughts properly. Ah, me and my stubbornness, and my need for downtime.

this nice music video here though 

-- I'm revisiting old favourite dramas that are familiar and heartwarming, because investments in new dramas again require energy and time, and I'm short on those. 

ohmygosh, Healer: 

I think you have a high chance 

of being top on my list of favourite dramas of all time.

... when we read about Haruki's decision to fly into the waves, my dad totally lost it. We were at home, sitting at the kotatsu, and he was reading the translation out loud to me, and when he got to that part, he put down the page and made this loud snorting noise that sounded a bit like a gigantic sneeze, only it wasn't. It was an explosion of sadness. He stood up and went into the bathroom and shut the door, but I could still hear him crying in a deep, gulping way.

-- Nao, A Tale for the Time Being, Ruth Ozeki

When I think about me and my idealism, this scene frequently comes to mind. I remember how this scene made me cry together with Nao's dad the first time I read it. Being an idealist is lonely; standing up for your ideals against the face of criticism from all sides, including your own, is heart-breaking, destroying, crushing. To have it validated, even a little, gives such relief, it comes with a torrent of tears.

A bit slow on the uptake, I know; this song has been all the rage for a while

-- but suddenly, it's bitten me.

too cute!

and certainly helping with my Arabic.

---

Also, old friends have recently made me feel nostalgic for the old days. 

I got a belated birthday gift in the form of lapis lazuli!

Elsie! You are well-loved, hehe.

Eventful day --

* a family emergency that made me glad to realise how I naturally go into fight mode when something scary happens. I can look back and laugh now. But man, it was scary. It's a few times in my life now that my younger siblings have given us terrible life-or-death scares. But what I'm increasingly realising is that, when something emotionally overwhelming happens, my natural instinct is to shove all emotion aside, and become logical and serious and amazingly calm. Although I can hear the small voice in my head starting to plead to God.

Haha, this makes me wonder if I should have become a doctor. But wait, wasn't I all frazzled for inpatient training as a speechie? Am I not naturally paranoid, as my old school friends will attest to? hmmmmm I don't know. Maybe it's the knowledge that efff, this is important, I will fix this or die, that makes the difference.

* first big iftar that has me realising how old I am, or rather how far I've come in life, and I'm happy with who I've strived to be, and hopefully continually strive to become. It's one of those rare times in life as a woman, I don't feel getting older is a bad thing at all. If you're constantly cultivating and refining who you are, you're looking forward to growing wiser and stronger and closer to the best version of you you can be.

* praying in congregation as a jema'ah made me reflect on the value of the ummah, or of a community. and why Islam places such importance on the role of social duty and contribution. A true community is everything an individual needs to sustain life -- you may face individual challenges, but a true community would never leave you to deal with them utterly alone. You could never be motherless, fatherless, or childless. So many mothers either kaypoh-ing, or shoving food at you. Children running around for you to snatch one and cuddle. Brothers and sisters surround you -- and all you need for them to swoop down on you in concern is looking even that little bit under the weather. 

I do wonder if it's the magic of this blessed month that's giving me positive vibes.

May you be blessed and protected always. May we all.

Ramadhan Mubarak!

May this Ramadhan be filled with blessings that will carry on to the rest of the year.



Goals:

* to improve sleep management and therefore energy management -- I need to conserve energy for the right things, I know. ): 7 hours a night please, S.

* to review at least some parts of the Quran properly (it has been pathetic year after year)

* to assign myself one task (work/spiritual/household) every night to complete (and I want this to continue beyond Ramadhan, insya Allah)

* to listen to Al-Mishary and improve my Arabic pronunciation (as reiterated over and over by my Arabic teacher!) -- definitely want to get all the range of /h/ and /z/ right!

* tawakal ilallah for all things

hello, this was a beautiful story.

For all my misfit friends.

In fact, I think too many of us perceive ourselves as misfits.

Which apparently, might be a good and beautiful thing.

being brave is awesome

Against my better judgement, 

and with full knowledge that I am getting far too old for this: 

a kpop video!

This group has increasingly fascinated me, with their very pretty videos and unbelievable dancing. And they also recently appeared on Running Man, which of course is every Korean artist's gateway to super-stardom, if you didn't already have enough of the fame. 

This song -- just the right blend of everything for me.

Oh, this makes me nostalgic for the days when I fell in love with Big Bang.

---

I've been running my social skills sessions this past week with some older kids.

As I talked things over with them, I'm realising I'm saying things that apply to me too. The irony makes me laugh quietly to myself, or sometimes do an internal face-palm.

Things like, we all have problems in life, right? Are you just going to let them be, or are you going to solve them?

And my kid will go, I don't know.

And in my head, I'm thinking, yeah actually, some of my problems, I don't know too.

I tell them, I think we can figure it out. Don't you want to be happy? We then write out stuff we think we should be, like... kind, smart, helpful, friendly. Brave, and fair. I tell them that we have to be brave to stand up for ourselves against bullies, to speak up for ourselves.

Do you know what being brave means? It means doing something even when you're afraid.

My kid made a doubtful face, convinced that I was giving her silly ideas.

I went on this long explanation about how being brave, out of all other attributes we listed, was the absolute coolest one. And I had to digress a little to explain what "cool" was, because kids nowadays apparently only recognise "awesome".

My kid reasonably expressed concern, but what if I speak up and keep being nice and then... they're still not nice to me?

I tried to convince her, it won't happen straight away, but some day, they'll stop and realise how they shouldn't mess with you. or how nice you really are. or even want to be friends with you. And I stuck in a disguised story about Nabi s.a.w. and his horrible neighbour who eventually turned a new leaf because Nabi was so relentless in his niceness and kindness.

And even if things don't turn out well with her peers, in the long run, people generally like brave and nice people more than mean and nasty people. I was trying to make her see that being brave was something worth doing in and of itself, regardless of the outcome. Being brave is awesome.

You've got to be brave, S.



oh my kiddies, you guys try hard, but the world doesn't understand you. my clinics often remind me of Sheldon: there was a scene I watched recently, that was just so sweet, and stuck with me.

It was Sheldon's birthday,
and they were throwing him a party,
except that he freaked out because parties were something of a trauma for him in childhood,
due to bullying.
So he took refuge in the bathroom.

Aw, Penny. 

If we could all learn to really learn about one another, 

there would be more love all round.

tadaima

back in SG! feeling both happy and sad -- actually feeling quite happy to be back and see familiar faces and places, but also very sad because: Scotland!!! :'( I miss you already. Yes, I have what they apparently call DSL: Deep Scottish Love.

wrestling with the 1600+ photos I currently have (crazy, right!), and my annoying Mac OS that's making all the transferring from one medium to another difficult.

but here's a prelude (to the full album that I'll hopefully get to working!):

Tulips at Keukenhoff, Amsterdam

This is one of my favourite photos 

because a good photo is a combination of preparation and opportunity!

Near a clog-making factory in Amsterdam.

Staffa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Off the coast of Scotland. 

Though we didn't manage to spot puffins, 

the whole isle itself was just awesommmmme.

Just look at those rocks (i.e. hexagonal basalt columns). 

The Quiraing on Isle of Skye was breath-taking! 

(My sister is in the picture to give a sense of scale.)

The last time I was there with E, the weather was misty, which gave another totally cool effect, 

but this time: the clear weather gave superb views from every angle. 

Gosh, just beautiful, really.

---

A bit unrelated but I just have to blog about it: on the plane journey home,

I caught a Japanese movie -- seems to be a pattern, doesn't it?

When I returned from Spain, I remember raving about Bokura ga Ita that played on the plane too.

This time, it was Orange, another growing up movie 

that left me in tears throughout the last third of it.

Like I said, trust the Japanese to make the sweetest, the most nostalgic, 

the most heartbreaking, growing up stories. 

This manga adaptation is about a girl 

who receives a letter from herself ten years in the future. 

The older version of her tells her to do things different so that she will not have regrets.

It's definitely about love, but it's also about friendship, and sacrifice, 

and just being there for the people you love, so that we all know we're not alone.