Considering I have two papers tomorrow - whoops, I mean later today, I had a great birthday. Woke up feeling upset about my laptop's power cord that kind of frayed and refused to function as a wire should function. I couldn't power up my comp at all as a result. I tried to study depite being depressed. Then my family called and said they had picked up our new family car (a brown/grey/"purple" Honda Civic) and wanted to have lunch. And I just couldn't say no.

So I traipsed off from home and joined my family for lunch at Waroeng Penyet. How awesome is it that I got to eat at my two favourite places yesterday - Hei Sushi - and today - Penyet? :) Then we went to Tampines1 for a while where I tried to find replacement for power cord at Challenger. Challenger didn't have it so I went to Funnan Centre with daddy and found it! :)

I received nice wishes from wonderful people like Jiawen and Bubu and Kaktiyah and Cik Nah and Ahmad and Aunty Jah. Shweta even called me up. Mumu gave me a singing chimpanzee via sms. YuJie was super awesome for being the first one to wish me happy birthday (12.01 am) although she's far away in London. She sent me a text message! @.@ I really didn't expect one from her. My sister dedicated a post on her LJ, but it's F-locked, so.

Of course, like I said, I already celebrated everything prematurely on Tuesday, with Eunice:

We had sushi, as per our usual. And I got a card from all the birds together!

The birds gave me The Fire Kimono! A book I've been meaning to buy for a while now. So yay. :)

NEWS gave me one of the best presents for being the group hosting 24 hour tv this year! YAY. SO HAPPY. NEWS finally hosting a show! (even if it is a one-off thing) Exciting desu. XD Also, they released Koi no ABO on my birthday, and it shot straight to number one! so now NEWS has 11 singles which hit number 1. Yay. I am proud to be a fan.

NEWS on Hey!Hey!Hey! on 27th April

Got my birthday surprise from the birds today. (: THANK YOU. <3 x 100000000.

Eunice called me out for lunch, so we had sushi for the millionth time. Before that, we had tea/coffee at Ehub's Teasire Cafe (or something like that) where I copied off Eunice's drug design lecture notes. That took like two hours. Then we moved to Hei Sushi for lunch. And we sat for hours there. I got my present and card!

The card is especially wonderful because it travelled from London to Hong Kong to Singapore via post, before it finally reached me. I took photos of the card but my camera just died on me, so I have zero pictures right now. -.- It's amazing how I feel like all of us were there to celebrate although we're so far apart.

They gave me the latest installment of the Sano Ichiro series, which I've been searching for a long time! The Fire Kimono. :) Love it, guys. Love it.

Okay, I'll blog properly when it's really my birthday tomorrow.

Ah, I've missed NEWS! :D Shige and Koyama can totally host their own show already. They blabber on so much. Can NEWS please have their own show.



Yamapi actually did Nobuta Power chuunyu! HAHA. He did Hallelujah Chance too. And his hair was actually still decent in the winter con here. For the Music Station Koi no ABO performance, his hair was like - WHAT. SERIOUSLY. Super curly and he used a hairband?! O.o Please. Where is your nice, straight, dark hair?

---

Last night we had liqa' as usual, and then we had late night supper with Ami Omar's family at Ya Salam. And discussed much. About religion again. And how us cousins should go to Japan, if not US, for that cousin trip we've been dreaming up for years. I wonder if it'll ever happen.

I finally watched the first episode of Atashinchi no Danshi with subs, and I love it! :D The second brother, Takeru, is so far the funniest; his lines are laugh-out-loud funny. And the little kid is cuuute. And Maki - gah. I just love her to pieces. The whole premise is rather wonky and mad but totally interesting. I can't wait to see what happens. :D nya nya nya! (In the spirit of Sho's version of a cat. Haha, that episode of Shukudai totally got me.)

I'm only 10% done with my incremental learning report due today :S (I am a danger to myself) but I am having so much fun with my primary school class page on facebook! XD OHGOSH. Qiaonan primary really was my childhood, untainted. Then came RG, and everything um, sort of crumbled. Haha. Not that I had no fun at all in RGS or RJ, but my primary school class was the absolute best. Absolute absolute best. Basically cause I think we grew up together. And did so many stupid things together. And everyone was real; I don't know how else to describe it. And we stayed together for the better part of 6 years. I love everyone there, I think.

We got almost everyone already!!! 31 people!! :DDDD

ohgosh. I love qps. I get happy tingly feelings of nostalgia. I remember absolute random things that are so special. Like brushing our teeth after recess at the back of the canteen. Adibah buying me my first birthday present from a friend. Haha, I still remember it. A pencil. Running around in class and planning surprises for Mrs Choo. The Catching Club (whichI wasn't a part of), founded by Daryl - they played catching EVERY recess time. And then I remember Adibah wanted to have our own club, so we started Kidz Club. Like WHAT THE HELL IS THAT. HAHA. And we made magazines and everything!! XD Although I can't remember what we actually wrote about. And I remember Chin Seng was part of this club too and would do all the illustrations. And I remember that Firdaus was cutest Malay boy. Wei Liang was cutest boy, period - someone even mentioned it in facebook. Haha. And I was short (no surprise), second only to Adibah. And Bryan, the shortest boy! Muaha. Nothing can possibly match that homely feeling of qps. Everybody knew everybody else. It really feels like a hometown school of some sort, before we all ventured out into the real Singapore. And this facebook group only confirms that we all feel somewhat the same way. (:

Been watching vids again. Although I should be studying or working. -.- Here's one where Ustaz Khalid Yasin speaks about women in Islam. =) Part of the reason my faith in Islam is so strong is because I can find no other institution or system that protects women as much as Islam does.



Here's another one. He speaks for all the irritation I feel when people think that, you know, poor Muslim girls are being oppressed and are likely daft or stg and have to be made to suffer. No, my dad did not force me to wear the tudung, I assure you, although even my Muslim friends would think so. I chose to do it myself when I was 11 and even my relatives were shocked, and said that it was okay if I didn't wear it. It really is irritating. There's this stupid assumption that modernity comes with the way we dress, instead of what's in our brains.



When I was in human relations class and we'd have all those heated discussions about controversial issues, I think everyone could tell I'm a conservative. I mean, even for our project presentation, I played the role of the conservative Singaporean heartlander. I'm fine with it. I try to be a good Muslim and if that labels me as a conservative (although I don't like these labels), so be it. But what I get irritated with is this idea that if I'm conservative, then surely, my ideas about women are backward. Like, I can't be conservative and feminist at the same time, although 'feminist' may not be the label I like to use here. Like it's a given - if people are not what is termed 'liberal', then they're not pro-woman or stg. It's really stupid. Which woman does not want respect and equality for women??? I just feel that feminists, the really extreme feminist types, have a misplaced idea about equality for women. We don't want to be like men, do we? We just want to be respected as much as men. Equal but not the same, you know? We want to be respected as women. Sigh. I think the world is largely confused about everything.

Here's a little from my Human Relations exam paper: we were supposed to comment on the articles. They're quite interesting.

So while “pro-choice” feminists hail abortion as the symbol of women’s sexual freedom and equality, the ordinary young woman may find no such liberation when she has sex with her date, thinking, as women are prone to do, that sex will bind the two emotionally. Instead, when he doesn’t share the depth of her feelings and then hands her $400 for the abortion when she becomes pregnant, it’s not only her heart that’s broken. She alone has to live with the possible short-term and long-term medical consequences of the abortion for the rest of her life. For many women, “reproductive freedom” has meant that women continue to negotiate all that comes with reproduction while men enjoy the freedom of sex without consequences.

The victimization felt by such a large majority of women who undergo abortions, though not appreciated or even recognized by today’s “pro-choice” feminist, was acutely foreseen by an earlier generation of feminists. America’s pioneering feminists, who fought for the right to vote and fair treatment in the workplace, were uniformly against abortion because they recognized it as an attack on women as women—those uniquely endowed with the ability to bear children. While these pioneering feminists endured the painstaking fight to change male-dominated political and economic institutions, the “pro-choice” feminists of the 1970s and today instead sought to change the very nature of women, convincing many of them that, if they’re to be equal to men, they must simply become like men.

~ How Abortion Hurts Women: The Hard Truth, by Erika Bachiochi

OMG SPIDERMAN WAS AT NUS LIBRARY??? HAHAHAHAHA. XD Several students have posted the video on youtube and it is funny! HAHA. Wish I could have been there to witness it myself. Maybe it was some weird psychology-related project? Or maybe a stunt by OSA to supposedly help students with destressing this mugging period?



HAHA. NUS knows how to have fun too, I guess.

But I should start on my work. :S

The new HP6 movie trailer! :D There's Harry/Draco action, pretty special effects and it all looks potentially awesome.



There was a time when things like this was enough.

I am plagued by stupid big questions. I think there are some people like me who keep getting obsessed about understanding the big picture, that they forget to care about the little details. And because of that... it feels like I've missed out on a lot.

Oh life, tell me what I'm missing out on.

In my muddle of a brain, I keep picturing my life like a bounded lawn, and I keep peeking over to look at other people's lawns. "Oh, that person's grass looks greener!" And I don't think it's jealousy per se. I mean, I'm not about to climb over the fences that separate us and take over someone else's lawn. It's more like... confusion. Have I tended my lawn enough? What am I doing wrong? I love my lawn, but I keep wondering... if something's wrong.

Oh, the pressures of conformity! Don't you think that without it, we'd be more free to love with all our hearts?

You know, somebody should just stop me from blogging. -.- I don't make sense half the time, and the other half, I'm just spazzing. Randomness should be my middle name.

underpromise and overdeliver. I agree, prof.

Projects driving me nuts. Then a moment ago, started watching adorable owls on youtube instead! They are seriously CUTE. They are furry and they sit in the grass! XD



And then Eunice brought up Scotland, of course. And this is a mad convo.

Eunice: I wanna go to Scotland.
Me: do you think we'd be able to spot cute animals!! but I'd be scared of wolves etc
Eunice: WOLVES? Haha
Me: I mean, if we could spot cute animals, we could spot scary ones! like bears or stg! or mountain lions! are there those? HAHA
Eunice: Leopards!
Me: GAH!
Eunice: Will there be tree leopards? I want!!
Me: Eunice. SCARY! DO YOU WANT TO DIE
Eunice: As long as we don't make threatening moves towards them...
Me: SERIOUSLY O.O
Eunice: How often do you hear about animals mauling people to death in Scotland
Me: but still! I want to enjoy my graduation trip, not kill myself, thank you.
Eunice: HAHA I don't think we'll see any, actually
Me: If we see a tree leopard, we are running away!
Eunice: Not before taking loads of photos.

It's Tuesday of last week of sem. It's been crazy. And it will remain crazy all the way till Sunday. BUT I CAN DO THIS! I SHALL SURVIVE!

Rapidminer Drug Design project is super mad. We can't run our programs due to lack of computer RAM and so now... GAH. An entire section on feature selection thrown out.

I should sleep. Inspiration only comes to those with a clear mind anyway. 'Night!

It's so irritating. I hate how any form of anger I feel just keeps getting transformed into hurt like some unstoppable math equation, and I fail to vent my anger in any satisfying manner. It's like the urge to rage is always quickly buried under the urge to huddle and cry. It's UGGGHHHH! In the end, no matter what, I am the one always feeling horrid, and the injustice of it just maddens me.

Like the other night when I came back home after dinner with some friends, and I found the house pitch black and empty and I'd realised the entire family had gone to watch a movie without telling, and a movie that I'd badly wanted to see too, I felt so angry. How inconsiderate and thoughtless the whole thing was. And I remember thinking, 'I haven't felt so angry in a long time'. But looking back, I think it was more the fact that there was no one around; lack of inhibition allowed me to feel my anger. And for once, you know, I could slam the door. And just let go.

Ah sigh. I swear, I should buy some cheap china and have a corner for plate-breaking.

I've been meaning to say how much I love my friends. Then this coincidentally (or not) came along via post yesterday:

(okay, I can't seem to rotate this image, maybe you can tilt your head to read. :P)

Duck sent me another set of Arashi vids to watch as an early birthday present! I was so happy when I got home last night and saw the familiar puffy package that normally comes from her. I actually did a hoppity-twirly sort of dance. SO HAPPY. (I love you, and thank you!) I really love snail mail.

And yes, I spent some of last night watching hilarious Arashi stuff. Was laughing so hard!!! I love the kindergarten GnoArashi episode. XD CRACKED ME UP TO NO END. And eeeeeeeps!!! So many episodes of Tokyo Friend Park!!!

I <3 my friends.

I was thinking the other day about that phrase A friend in need is a friend indeed. I'd always wondered about it before. And earlier, I supposed it meant that, when you help a friend, you can only look forward to help in return, and that's how friendship blossoms. I suppose that's true. But more recently I've realised you can look at it a different way. Some people, and I categorise myself in this group, don't ever, ever, ask for help, unless truly desperate. And even then, they ask a select people. And so when they ask for help, it is from a friend. And not just any friend either; it's a friend they know they can trust. So, when someone comes up to me and sincerely asks for help, I get it now why I feel like it's impossible to refuse. Because you know people don't just ask anyone for help. When someone asks for your help, that's when someone looks at you as a true friend. And if you don't recognise that, damn, I say.

If you've talked to me at all recently, you'll know how nuts my schedule is these last two weeks of semester. Multiple projects (a total of 5 term projects + 2 assignments) due on the same days, and multiple presentations. :S Needless to say, all of it is nerve-wrecking. But I wonder if it is my new-found adult confidence that keeps me from falling to pieces. I am constantly surprised by my lack of hyperventilation.

Don't get me wrong. There are moments of pure panic. (Haha.) Like yesterday, when I met Eunice, and started prattling to her about the things I have yet to get done -- I was quickly morphing into this @.@ and my breath kept getting stuck somewhere. And then later in the night after class, when I talked to Raphael (super-student who does one million tasks simultaneously), I felt like hyperventilating again when he asked if the state of all my projects was as bad as Human Relations that we had together.

Yes? Most of them are in a rather shabby, uncompiled, all-over-the-place mess.

But you know, when I'm alone and thinking, I actually feel okay. Maybe I'm deluded. :P Maybe it's my brain's way of self-defence, to keep me deluded about the hot boiling soup I'm in. Or maybe I have truly grown up and being depressed about stupid homework and assignments and projects is just too childish for me now. Didn't Lymond say something like, only immaturity boggles at the sad face of failure?

Or maybe you know. I've gained an unshakeable perspective on things. Because, crap, in the bigger scheme of things; in the truly, truly, truly bigger and universal scheme of things -- all I'm going through in NUS and the rat-race world in general are but peanuts. Peanuts, okay. Sure, I love learning about biology and how mathematics figures into the study of DNA and proteins (math is my favourite module currently, and amazingly so) but at the end of the day, if you ask me, the knowledge I truly treasure isn't this. My life has completely and wonderfully shifted its center and focus. The priceless knowledge about Allah and Rasul, I think, is the one I treat as truly miraculous and has kept me steadfast, somehow, and if everything else should crumble to the depths of the Earth, I will still feel okay. (:

That being said, I still can't abandon ship. All this does matter in its own way. And so, ganbarimasu! X) These two weeks will be fine.

I have bioinformatics meeting later today and I realise that yay, I have the car! Well, more like my brother has the car, so he can drive me. And I'll stop by the Central Library to watch a documentary for my human relations project.

Moving on to fandom for a bit: I am starting to really, really like Arashi's Believe. I didn't think I would! But I've had the song on repeat for a while now and there's something about it that keeps me wanting more. Sho and Aiba look good in the PV; Jun's hair is just ughhhh( and why is he wearing that bow?!); Nino looks like he's aged somehow; but Ohno is the same as ever.



Did I say Sho looked good in the video? He really does. I'm starting to love Sho a lot lately. I think I like guys in formal shirt-wear. :P

I've also listened to NEWS' new single called Koi no ABO and SIGH. -__- So far, I'm disappointed. It sounds more like a KATTUN song; it isn't catchy and just noisy. I'm hoping I'll change my mind about it over time, maybe when the PV comes out. For me, it's been downhill since NEWS released Summertime last year. Can we have nice songs, please!!! This is only feeding my theory that NEWS is the most neglected JE group. What with Pi complaining in his jweb about how he feels useless.

Okay, am back to work. :S The upside of all this is that it'll zoom by really fast and the next thing I know, it'll be the summer break and YAY THE SPRING DRAMAS. :D

I've been returning to HP a little lately. Here's the sixth movie trailer! It really looks quite promising. I think David Yates did a good job with the fifth movie; it wasn't absolutely perfect but overall, it made the best HP adaptation so far. The 6th movie makes me excited.



Danny Gokey sang What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts on American Idol tonight. And that song remains one of my favourite songs ever. I just love it so much. And so I went hunting online for their music video. Except youtube doesn't really have a nice upload of it and there are mainly tons of fanvids with this song, because people love it so much. And I decided on one of 1 Litre of Tears. Because the mood of the series matches the sadness of the song, I guess. And besides, Haruto/Aya is a tragic OTP. Warning though: this has tons of spoilers.

XD ItteQ (the amazingly funny variety show that Tegoshi features in and where they visit obscure but interesting places around the world) appeared on the American news!!! MAN. I think this variety show totally rocks. They're making their mark all over the world.

Also, friends, if there are any of you out there, help me do a short survey on Cohabitation for my USP Human Relations class? Pretty please? Go here. Thank you. :)))

D: I am having a revolution of the mind. These past few days have been mind-blowing. And I find myself tongue-tied to even begin explaining anything. It started off with the Arrivals (Thanks, Hudy.) and now I'm watching and learning so many appalling yet perfectly reasonable explanations of the state of the world, and I am brain-scrambled. Brain-scrambled and scared. Really scared.

I watched another lecture, by a Shaikh Imran Hosein: here. (Click on the other parts to get the whole lecture.) "Can someone explain to me this strange relationship between the United States and Israel?" Really. And Obama. :( How can I trust this man. The deception of everything in today's world. :S

The way the pieces of information have come together like a beautifully constructed jigsaw boggles me and I feel like bursting into tears at random moments of the day at the sheer magnitude of it all. By this time, if you're still reading this, you'll think I'm a complete nutcase who's having a repeat life crisis of some sort. >.< But this has nothing to do with insignificant me whatsoever. For once, I'm not distraught or raving about my personal likes and dislikes; but am contemplating the big picture. And in the words of my sister, "Macam mana ni!" :(

I put my faith and hope in Allah and Rasul. May we all see true beauty some day.

I'm breaking my hiatus. Because this is just too personally significant for me.

Friday night, I went out with Hudy, and we talked a great deal. About religion and faith and truths. And fate. And about the whole youtube video series called The Arrivals (where the Dajjal/Anti-Christ and the sickness of humanity are heavily discussed).

And what with tonight's amazing lecture at liqa'; I feel overwhelmed. Seriously overwhelmed. Like shaking in my shoes kind.

This is interesting; it's called Freedom Unplugged (one of the many episodes of The Arrivals). And I totally love the part about television (near the end) because it's so incredibly true. And I keep recalling everything I learnt in writing class about Walter Lippman and how the government is consistently creating a picture in our heads.



I really feel ignorance is humanity's worst disease. And if you don't do anything to fight for knowledge and truth, then you're basically wasting your time here on earth. Might as well not exist.

Bye bye. I think I'm going on a little hiatus again. Will probably post again maybe in mid/late April.

Also, finally done with driving lessons. Seriously relieved that I don't have to go to that driving centre again.

Fandom Talk (and a bit on my past life crisis.) Haha.

I can't stop or deny anymore. Unconsciously, bit by bit and over time, I've scrawled on my wish list: "Attend a JE concert." And I am fully aware this might never ever come true. I wonder what my past self would say to the me now. I'd probably think I was nuts, not to mention - wrong in so many ways. But I can't help it. :S JE just makes me happy. Happy happy happy. I think there's some truth when people say Arashi should be prescribed for depression.

Duck was lamenting how we're probably past the age for fangirling. No fair, I say. Why should there be an age limit. I think there are fangirls who are 60 years old, and it's fine. :) It's called being fans for life. I have this concept of a fan being forever a fan. I mean, I'm still an HP fan, right? I may not be stalking websites like the Leaky Cauldron anymore, but I still love HP. (It'd break my heart if someone said I didn't deserve to be an HP fan, haha.) If you truly like something, it'll always be special eh, in its own way. Be it a book, a movie, a celebrity or a guy.

Part of the reason JE became such a big thing for me was probably cause it came at the right time. I was having a life crisis at the start of last year. My dipping emotional well-being had reached the ultimate low. Only a few people know, I guess. It was a breaking-down-ready-to-drop-out-of-school-and-run-away life crisis. I was trying desperately to get off the bandwagon that is the life science industry and I just felt so ill-fitted, everywhere. (Story of my life. :P) It got so bad that I had to fight tears while riding the train to school.

It's hard to say how I did it. But I overcame this. And it has been the greatest personal triumph of my life. Bullocks to all the stupid exams I've aced in my life. Why couldn't I have had life lessons like this earlier? Why couldn't I have had my eyes opened earlier? As I've often discussed with Eunice, why aren't we ever taught the right things??? It's like finally, after reaching the lowest of the low, my perception shifted. And I started to see things differently. The glass is almost always half-full now.

Looking back - my gosh. 2008 was a great year. Haha, JE of course. APEX. Internship stint. And I think I made a boatload of new friends. And I truly started to cherish my old friendships and my family. I've always loved my friends. Always, always. But last year, it just hit me hard how fortunate I am. Some people think it's rather pitiable how I don't have that big a social circle and how, even now, I find it hard to get company for say, a trekking trip. (Am going for the Endau-Rompin trip with Muslim Society in May!) But I have a tight circle of best friends and my god, one million people wouldn't be able to replace them. Just knowing this has made all the difference.

Let's just say that when I was climbing up the hill from my pit of depression, I bumped into JE. :P And my gosh, JE will always be special this way. Listening to Arashi's crazily inspiring songs like 'We can make it through' and watching NEWS wo Abake and stumbling on Nobuta and discovering how much I could laugh and smile at all these silly things, just affirmed the fact, that hey, you know, life is great! And that it's not about hitting jackpot or scoring goals or getting it right (which is what I've been agonizing over all my life before) although they're bonuses; but it's about the little things like a friend's smile, a good family dinner or an email filled with spaz.