Revolution might sound a little dramatic, but in this world, choosing authenticity and worthiness is an absolute act of resistance. Choosing to live and love with our whole hearts is an act of defiance. You're going to confuse, piss off, and terrify lots of people -- including yourself. One minute you'll pray that the transformation stops, and the next minute you'll pray that it never ends. You'll also wonder how you can feel so brave and so afraid at the same time. At least, that's how I feel most of the time... brave, afraid, and very, very alive.

...

The ultimate act of integration is when the rising strong process becomes a daily practice -- a way of thinking about our emotions and our stories. Rather than running from our SFDs, we dig into them knowing they can unlock the fears and doubts that get in the way of our wholeheartedness. We know that rumbling is going to be tough, but we head straight into it because we know running is harder. We wade into the brackish delta with open hearts and minds because we've come to learn that the wisdom in the stories of our falls makes us braver.

...

I'd say the one thing we all have in common is that we're sick of feeling afraid. We want to dare greatly. We're tired of the national conversation centering on "What should we fear?" and "Who should we blame?" We all want to be brave.

-- Rising Strong, Brene Brown

70: 19 - 22

Human beings are created in a state of anxiety.

When evil touches them, they fret;

When good touches them, they withhold;

Except for the ones who pray / are steadfast.

I have a quarter left of this book I'm now reading, Rising Strong;
and it's about to beat Mindsight off the top of my non-fiction list.

Mindsight was fascinating as a foray into the field of neuropsychology.
Rising Strong is hitting me in the gut, and will remain one of the most important books I'll read in my entire life, I think -- partly perhaps due to timeliness, and partly credit given to its essential subject matter.

I've never cried so hard reading a non-fiction book;
perhaps I've never had any book that triggered my tears this much.
It's actually painful, I'm not kidding. I know I exaggerate often and lavish praises;
but this afternoon, I was sitting in the library reading this and was swiping tears and trying to look out the window so as not to attract attention. I even contemplated having a moment in the bathroom for a good cry. Every chapter she shares brings up painful personal matters that I know I need to address; things about myself I need to confront; stuff I need to manage;



my heart has been breaking, breaking, breaking,
and I can't pretend or hide it anymore.


A Pixar maxim:

The protagonist looks for every comfortable way to solve the problem.
By the climax, he learns what it's really going to take to solve the problem.
This act includes the "lowest of the low".

-- Rising Strong, Brene Brown

The Rumble

1) What more do I need to learn and understand about the situation?

2) What more do I need to learn and understand about the other people in the story?

3) What more do I need to learn and understand about myself?

In the absence of data, we will always make up stories. It's how we are wired. In fact, the need to make up a story, especially when we are hurt, is part of our most primitive survival wiring. Meaning making is in our biology, and our default is often to come up with a story that makes sense, feels familiar, and offers us insight into how best to self-protect. What we're trying to do in the rumble -- choosing to feel uncertain and vulnerable as we rumble with the truth -- is a conscious choice. A brave, conscious choice.

-- Rising Strong, Brene Brown

I'm quite sure I posted about this lady Brene Brown before,

whose talk on vulnerability years ago now,

remains one of the best TED talks anyone should watch.

But I only got her book Rising Strong recently, and delved deeper into her themes of vulnerability and courage and shame and fear. And man, is she right about how unsettling and agitating this is. She says in her talk about how this research led to her own breakdown, and I can really see why now. Understanding this subject matter deeply makes you question the way you live your entire life, and makes you reflect how badly it is that you've been doing things, and how you really need to change.

It's upsetting me. Because it's telling me to do things I don't want to do. Because she's right, it's uncomfortable, it's scary, and it will hurt -- but that's courage, right. God, I'm almost wishing I can walk away from this and pretend not to care.

One of the things I commonly pray for is courage, always feeling how much l lack it. And right now, I'm almost wishing I didn't ask God to make me brave. Because I don't think I can be brave. It's taking too much of my energy reserves to do this; I'm just too exhausted. I've been feeling so tired; wouldn't it be better and easier to just not care.

😔

Despite what I just said, dear God, help me be brave.
And maybe I'll have more energy to work at this on another day.

The Rising Strong Process 

The goal of this process is to rise from our falls, overcome our mistakes, and face hurt in a way that brings wisdom and wholeheartedness. 

The Reckoning 

Men and women who rise strong are willing and able to reckon with their emotions. First, they recognize that they're feeling something -- a button has been pushed, they're hooked, something is triggered, their emotions are off-kilter. Second, they get curious about what's happening and how what they're feeling is connected to their thoughts and behaviours. Engaging in this process is how we walk into our story. 

The Rumble

Men and women who rise strong are willing and able to rumble with their stories. By rumble, I mean they get honest about the stories they've made up about their struggles and they are willing to revisit, challenge, and reality-check these narratives as they dig into topics such as boundaries, shame, blame, resentment, heartbreak, generosity, and forgiveness. 

Rumbling with these topics and moving from our first responses to a deeper understanding of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours gives birth to key learnings about who we are and how we engage with others. The rumble is where wholeheartedness is cultivated and change begins. 

The Revolution 

Unlike evolutionary change, which is incremental, revolutionary change fundamentally transforms our thoughts and beliefs. Rumbling with our story and owning our truth in order to write a new, more courageous ending transforms who we are and how we engage with the world. Men and women who rise strong integrate the key learnings that emerge from the rising strong process into how they live, love, lead, parent, and participate as citizens. This has tremendous ramifications not only for their own lives, but also for their families, organizations, and communities.

-- Rising Strong, Brene Brown

---

It all seems connected: the story of Bangtan rising strong, for one;
I bet you this is one of the major reasons they appeal so much to everyone.
Thank you, dear boys, for being such an inspiration to everyone.

People glorify the ending of a story when it's all great and good; 

but when you're in the middle of your story, 

not at all certain you're in a story worth telling at all, 

it's dark, and painful, and bleak. 

No one seems to care about that bit;

worse, some people will throw you off-track,

and that's where a lot of us falter.

That's where inspiring stories like BTS are such a source of strength, comfort, and hope.
And they sing about it too!

daijoubu datte, oh yeah

itsuka wa good day, tozen...

kitto brighter tomorrow...

yessssss,

what he said.

I think we all do this to some extent, and it is an exhilarating and liberating feeling.
I feel it most when I let my thoughts wander in this space,
and when I converse with special persons -- when we go into a shared head space
and take that flight, that trip, that brings us to new thoughts and ideas,
Alhamdulillah.

And I just realised how much harder it is to sustain that risky flight long-term;
for big projects that require prolonged and protracted periods of journeying,
or the big project that is life that takes essentially all of your time --
to live life creatively is to live courageously.

---

It was only a matter of time before someone made an anime video of this,

and it's lovely.

I love their happy-sad love songs.

It perfectly captures that aching hope that is so central to love.

cuteness number 2!!!

RJ the alpaca still my fave, 

and then Koya here. 

Oh gosh, I need me a cute little animal.

Also, today was a great day meeting up with the NFC work team,

ambitious, well-meaning, big-hearted people --

and on top of everything,

I found fellow kPop / BTS fans and now 

we make a tripartite group; 

and oh, it just makes work that little bit extra fun.

💜💜💜

Actions are by their intentions.

This is so distressing.

The saving grace is that there are actually men like Shaykh Hamza who show sincere concern about this subject. Watch the lady with the shoulder-length hair, and her body language; she's probably had a lifetime of distrust of men and hence put Shaykh Hamza in the same box; and obviously Shaykh Hamza being who he is, calls her out on it gently toward the end of the exchange, and the tension dissipates nicely before it's all over. And though I cringed at her behaviour toward him throughout the interview, I get it. I get her. She has probably had a whole life of being dismissed by men and immediately put down for being vocal about her concerns, the Malay community being what it is (what a terrible woman! a shameless woman!) -- so that the expectation of any men being sincerely for the cause of women is non-existent; that kind of man is a rare species she has had little to nil experience with. Some people wonder why women love Shaykh Hamza so; seriously, you can wonder? I don't know another Muslim scholar who shows this much sincere empathy, concern, and true admiration for women. Women have never felt so truly and visibly appreciated by a Muslim scholar in contemporary times. We can tell the difference, when you preach to us out of condescension or out of love and respect.

And it is through my awareness that men like Shaykh Hamza can exist, and through my faith that the Prophet s.a.w.. would for sure (confirm plus chop) be on women's side, that I don't become resentful or reactive to my faith. That I am able to redirect my confusion or frustration to the right things; Islam is blameless, pure, and just. Terrible people corrupt its image. Small and weak men bring misery and oppression to women; real men are not threatened by strong women.

And here's the thing, and though I'm making somewhat of a sweeping statement here, I believe it is true: that feminists are born from disappointment with men. It is in the nature of most women to serve and be mostly content with behind-the-scenes jobs; to learn, grow, and function in small spaces not seeking glory; but just because we welcome the supporter and cheerleader role does not mean we welcome disrespect in equal measure. What, just because I'm your supporter, I'm less intelligent than you??? Because I concede to take on the domestic work and child-caring, I must be of less worth than you strategizing military campaigns? Feminism takes root when femininity is not respected by men; when men think that the natural work of women must surely be less than theirs and therefore by extension, women must be less (and since women are less, we shall then give them less); when women then realise that they have to fight for respect and for rights, and start clamouring for men's spaces to win that respect. As a collective, men themselves have led to the rise of feminism. If men had only loved and respected women for who they were, we wouldn't have women going out of their way to prove their intelligence, strengths, and capabilities. I do think that even the most extreme feminist is in reality hoping to discover that a man who respects her wholly, and who is then worthy of her respect, exists in the world.


And I am reminded of Marthe -- hardcore 16th-century fictional feminist -- who softens in her anger, having finally met a worthy man in her half-brother, Francis:

"... You see," said Marthe. "I am not here to mock. I have worn out my revenge. You have guided me into a world which has been closed to me all my life. You have shown me that what I hold by, you hold by and more. You have shown me strength I do not possess, and humanity I thought belonged only to women. You are a man, and you have explained all men to me..."

His eyes were closed, nor did he give any sign that he had heard her. Marthe smiled, and moving closer, laid her hand for the first time on his. "Francis. It is morning. Come and sleep."

-- Pawn in Frankincense, Dorothy Dunnett

Ohmygoodness, the sweetness of this sibling scene 💜  Marthe deserved more happiness.

I finished The Tale of Shikanoko series by Lian Hearn;
I liked it and I didn't expect to.
This story kind of snuck up on me nicely.
And the overarching theme of the story, of fate and destiny,
and sacrifices for the greater good, left me with a nice, melancholic feel.


Next Akihime came into his mind, as strongly as if she stood before him. He thought he heard her say, "It was not you who killed me or caused my death. We disobeyed the gods; we were punished for it. Masachika took me prisoner, Aritomo ordered my torture, the Prince Abbot carried it out. Punish them if you will, but don't punish yourself any longer. I was dying before the serpent bit me -- maybe it saved me days of suffering. And although what we did together was wrong -- we were so young, we knew nothing about the world -- our son came from it."

He recalled Sesshin's words: 

This is why you should never concern yourself over your fate; everything follows the laws of destiny and therefore happens for a purpose.

Saw this serendipitously one after the other

(never coincidentally, but at least serendipitously -- with its connotations of fate):

In the remembrance of God do our hearts find rest.

I get really upset and angry with someone, but then I think,
okay, I'll just let it slide (because you know, let's keep peace);
but then, after a while I realise I'm on edge with said person,
and snappish and easily riled -- and then it keeps building up,
and then a fight or emotional outburst finally happens over something apparently trivial...

and it wouldn't have happened if I had confronted the person at the first instance.

Healthy relationships involve upfront, open, and heart-to-heart exchanges.
God I wish I could have more of those.

Posting this just because it remains one of the cutest things in over a week

and this space needs something happy:

I need me an adorable alpaca.

You know, some days are just really, really hard for me for some reason.
And it's not like anything changes in particular; but perhaps consciously or not,
something set me off on the wrong track at the outset of the day --
somebody unthinkingly said something that sends all my strong steely resolve crumbling --
and then the rest of the day requires all the deep reserves of energy for me to sustain. And then
I come home completely spent and have to just lie on the bed for a good hour before I do anything again.

I do have some level of tenacity in me, and despite all the crap I feel, there are times I feel very inspired and psyched and ready to do things; there are days I feel inspired by my very self. So it really bums me when I lose grip on this, and I feel like I'm staring into an endless bleakness instead. At low moments like this, amusingly two scenes from the past always come to my mind: my tearing up uncontrollably while queueing up in the canteen back in RJ, and my physically being in beautiful, gorgeous Switzerland on holiday with my family but feeling all terrible inside. I think they were quite significant benchmarks for feelings of low-ness. And what makes me even more miserable is thinking that, today, even at this age, I can still feel this crappy. Or perhaps, it could get even crappier.

My constant question to myself is how to keep up the positivity; how to keep up the strength and courage to do things and live life well even when it feels bad. I wish I had people around me I connected with more; but I withdraw instead because I feel it gets toxic to be around them. They make me feel smaller than I already do. I feel like I need more safe spaces but it's not in my house, unfortunately.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with one of my cousins while we were in Japan recently, when she as much said how her entire family thought I was a strange individual who has fortunately changed for the better over the years. Despite striving to be the bigger person and taking her perspective; in retrospect, that whole exchange left a bitter taste. It confirms yet again the lack of connection I experience; and my very accurate perception of how people don't seem to get me and then subsequently judge me. And it makes me want to disconnect with them even more. Why should I put in so much effort to connect with persons who never appear to value the real core of me? Why should I pretend to be something else?

There are good days when I believe it is not me, it is who I'm with that's the problem; I'm not with my tribe. I'm not with people who vibrate on the same wavelength. But there are some days... I think maybe there is no tribe ever; and I am truly defective. At which point, my escape has always been literature, I suppose. Or some space or art that can give release to the unique distress I feel I experience. And I do have an individual friend or two whose wavelengths resonate with mine; and they are my sounding board. When I get that recharge, Alhamdulillah, I feel I am able to face life again. But the cycle repeats itself.

I sometimes wonder if I'm just supposed to get that this is life. That maybe, at some level, we all feel like this? (But if we all do, then how can some humans be so heartless and mean! And sometimes plain dumb.) This is why life is painful, temporary, and not our final abode. This world is a low place, for sure.

C'est la vie, S.

this is awesome fanwork, to go with my sombre mood

(although I promise, writing about it already makes me feel that little bit better)

it's a mashup of all their solo songs on their WINGS album; and I realise how much heavy content their previous album had. the songs are full of pain, and growth, and hurt -- and so beautiful. 

people who say BTS is just another boy band -- fight me.

RM's lyrics especially, are always to die for.

Sometimes I think, RM is to me what Sho was to YJ, hehe.

There are
difficult days,
difficult days,
difficult days,
and then a good day.
And
It makes the earlier difficult days seem like good days too.
So may I live the coming difficult days like good days,
in wait of another good day
some day too.



I can't figure out how to put into words what happened recently without making it sound banal. Because it was amazing, but I don't think I can convey the awesomeness of it, really. I'd done something entirely by gut feel and a sense of passion and conviction; just kind of bulldozed my way about it too, because there was a rightness to it, and it just felt like what I should be doing. And then later to have it amazingly, almost unbelievably, entirely validated and approved, for almost everyone else to see... it feels like a nugget of gold.

On a personal level, it feels like a healing stroke to the heart, like a cooling touch; a kindly nod of approval from the Tester. Don't fret, S, you're on the right track. You're doing good.

Thank You for amazing tokens like this that help strengthen my faith and conviction,
and cushion my fragile heart.


At times like this, my faith in my own intuition and judgement is restored as well. Because, at the end of the day, I run on intuition more than anything else, and it's when I try to work against my own nature that I get agonised about things, I feel. The best decisions I have made in my life have always been done on a seemingly-irrational impulse felt in some deep way and with not that much conscious thought. I know it, I know this a 100%, but I can't really tell you why yet at the moment... or I want this, I really want this, don't ask me why. I like myself best when I don't doubt my inner voice. In fact, I have moments when I consult my inner sage and ask point-blank, "Come on, tell me. You know. I know you know. What do you think?" And depending on my overall emotional/mental/spiritual state, I may or may not trust her. I should trust her more. She tends to be more right than wrong.

Having said all that:
dear God, guide me in all my affairs; 
there is no Guidance but Yours.

really wanted to do this earlier but couldn't get the time;
awesome moments this past week that I want to keep:

* I was at coffeebean as per my usual -- in between therapy cases -- and about to buy my warm chocolate cake, and then the black-hijabed barista girl was like, Ohmygod, Kak Sham! And I had a freeze moment -- my brain went: um who? what. what's happening? I don't recognize this person, there are zero clues. hahah! It turned out she was one of my APEX girls I had taught years ago now, ohmygosh. She was also ohmygosh all about it, and how we hadn't seen each other for so long. She was so tiny when I saw her in school. Which made me feel old of course, except that she clarified she wasn't in her 20s yet ahah. And she was the sweetest thing cause she refused to let me pay for my drink and she took a snapchat of us (aduh, kanak-kanak zaman sekarang...). Then I finally sat down to my drink and cake and felt all happy inside. Because well, isn't it awesome to have taught such wonderful little souls and made some impact on their lives no matter how little. I got a free drink for starters!

* Book club members went over to Esplanade to support M's ensemble performance for the Singapore Lyric Opera Gala Night; and it was so lovely! I've really come to appreciate classical music in a way. Earlier this year as well, Datin S dragged me to a free SSO performance at Victoria Theatre. And I've come to realise that instead of it being possibly boring and lulling me to sleep, a pure musical performance can actually be engaging and even captivating. Anyway, we decided that we'd never been to anything more high-cultured before that night (haha!).

This famous piece called Carmen was one of the pieces performed and sung

(except without the actual acting and costumes):

* and then another awesome thing this weekend: I had therapy with A (my cousin's kid) as I have been over the past half-year or so, and I successfully made him have his lunch proper! He used to only eat oreo cookies, red velvet ice cream and often had to be (forced)fed meals. I conducted a SPOT session (the fussy eater clinic I was training for last year) all by myself and it worked and it's so amazing. I love being able to see the difference the little things actually make; he was eating from his spoon by himself, drinking from the cup by himself and ate carrots which he hated!!! Well, obviously he actually has little problem with eating and feeding iself, but just lacked the structures in place to make him have his meals proper. But even so! I was so happy. Not to mention that, he was most socially engaged with others during a meal and would copy words more often! Like "ready go!" and he copied "carrots!" I spent 2 hours with him in his house, and it's so much better than in a clinic for sure. (And I was actually like, ohmygod, I could earn a fortune if I charge for this hehe)

and lastly to end off, this
(which I heard from a speech by Tracee Ellis Ross,
an actress speaking out for all women):

I'm going to pay attention to the reality of my life and the audacity of my dreams
instead of the expectation of what I was raised with.

A repost of a (part of a) wonderful supplication and one of my eternal favourites; I've been in the habit of reposting lately:

O Allah! I ask that you give me from your presence such mercy that with it You will guide my heart, regulate my affairs, and put order into my disorder. And that You will fill me with perfect faith, and bestow on my outer, good deeds and You will render my deeds pure and sincere, and inspire me with a suitable way to gain Your Pleasure, and give me friends that will be familiar to me and protect me from all manner of evil.

O Allah! Fill my heart with light, and my grave with light; place light in front of me, and light behind me; place light on my right and light on my left; place light above me and light below me; place light in my ears and light in my eyes, and light in my hair and my skin and my flesh and my blood and my bones.

O Allah increase my light, give me such light that it is worth all of what  I have said and a light that will encompass everything that I could not say.

Glory be to the One Who is enveloped in dignity and Who has made Himself known by His Dignity. I glorify the One Who has enveloped Himself in greatness and Who, for this reason, continually offers extensive bounty to His slaves. I glorify the One Who is the only One worthy of glorification and holiness. I glorify the One Who possesses majesty and  beneficence. I glorify the One who possesses majesty and kindness. He is above all faults.

Amin.

...part of what makes Francis so compelling and also so awful is that you understand as a reader why he does and says the things he does, even while you wish desperately that you could reach into the page and slap your hand across his mouth. He's an injured cat who lashes out when anyone tries to help him, and you know why, but oh my god cat we're just trying to help you. I kept thinking of a lion with a thorn in its paw who would rather die of infection than let anyone close enough to him to take it out.

He can't deal with the reality that his mother either isn't his real mother or slept with someone who wasn't her husband, but it's much more difficult to freeze your heart when you're not in Russia.

-- Lymond review

oh my god cat, we're just trying to help you. hahaha absolutely love this line.



The older I get, the more I discover how much pain there can be in life. It's just that, I really get it now, I thought I already did, the impulse to want to freeze and numb yourself because the pain you experience is just too much. And I'm thinking, goodness S; how are you going to handle more of life in the future, if it already hurts this much? /God, help me level up, please./

And I get and understand that when you really, really, really hurt, it's very hard to be nice to other people. It's very hard not to be consumed by your own pain. I think this is how villains are made, actually. And that's the work isn't it: to fight against the easy, vindictive escape route.

Thank you brain pickings for sharing such awesome stuff:

The Story of the Chinese Farmer from Sustainable Human on Vimeo.

this is why, one of my major goals in life

is to achieve equanimity in the face of all life circumstances.

Maybe...

Next time someone tells me, "Ohmygod, that's terrible isn't it!"

I'll say, "Maybe."

And equally when someone tells me, "Ohmygod, that's amazing; that's great isn't it!"

I'll say, "Alhamdulillah, maybe."

Islam does often say how for the true believer, 

(apparent) fortune and (apparent) misfortune are the same. 

And that's why, once again, Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. Gratitude for all matters.

The only pleasure or displeasure is with God.

Snowflakes falling from the sky

are drifting further by and by

How much longer do I wait

How many sleepless nights remain

After the cold winter ends

Until spring decides to come again

Until flowers, they bloom again...

a repost, because this beautiful song is speaking to my heart right now.

💜 

The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas by Ursula K. Le Guin

I've been meaning to post these; it's a habit of mine as I'm sure of many others,

to save memorable phone chats:

so I'm due back at KK for a quick sharing with my team

and to touch base and maybe clear some admin --

and I get this kind of response from my colleagues, haha.

and it hit me how I'm going to really miss this team!

why am I an utter sap who loves too easily.

--

And then here's a Lymond related screenshot-series,

where I think I may have brought up how it does appear like

Lymond is sooo drama, especially in the last book.

(you have been warned for spoilers)

HAHA, bury my feelings under this bitchin' eagle.

honest to God, the biggest problems in life can be avoided

if we can all have honest and open conversations.

and have the courage to face up to ourselves,

so that we can move into the future.