Reminder to self:

submit.

I've been more and more in this very resigned state in recent times,

and what with all the horrors happening with respect to Muslims around the world.

It feels so exhausting, 

inside, outside, all of it.

I need to cultivate my supapawa

There will be moments when I have entire posts planned in my head, even specific lines that get conjured up that beg to be written down -- but then, time moves on, and the plans and lines fade from my mind, losing their intensity. They missed their moment, and cannot be reproduced without them feeling fake.

Which is why, words are also time beings. Words are especially time beings. You've got to catch them when they form and grasp them tightly for transfer onto something more concrete, like paper, or video, or at least into someone's memory.

This story is intensely philosophical, moving, and made me cry unexpectedly; 

but written with the straightforwardness of a teenage girl.

It's the cold fish dying in your stomach feeling. You try to forget about it, but as soon as you do, the fish starts flopping around under your heart and reminds you that something truly horrible is happening.

Jiko felt like that when she learned that her only son was going to be killed in the war. I know, because I told her about the fish in my stomach and she said she knew exactly what I was talking about, and that she had a fish, too, for many years. In fact, she had lots of fishes, some that were small like sardines, some that were medium-sized like carp, and other ones that were as big as a bluefin tuna, but the biggest fish of all belonged to Haruki #1, and it was more like the size of a whale. She also said that after she became a nun and renounced the world, she learned how to open up her heart so that the whale could swim away. I'm trying to learn how to do that, too.


At one point, Nao, the teenage girl, asked if only depressed people cared about philosophy. And that line made me even sadder, because when I get into one of these philosophical moods, I do feel extra sad, extra like-an-outsider, and thinking how, my God, I don't think I'm made for this world at all. Oh well -- Nabi s.a.w. did say that some of the best people are the ones who travel this world light, knowing that we're really not here for forever.

It's amazing my love affair with books: how they affect me, and leave major imprints on my heart, on my mind.




I've been remembering this thought, this memory: I remember going for a scholarship interview years and years ago, and nerdily mentioning Lymond, in relation to either books I love, characters I admire or citing leadership quality maybe -- can't quite recall. And then the Indian man who interviewed me said something about how this book must be really popular, the boy who was in just before you mentioned him too! At which of course, I almost got entirely derailed from the purpose of my being there (i.e. a job/scholarship interview) -- because Lymond? Popular? A boy reading it? Are you kidding me??? My eyes must have been almost rolling out of their sockets in shock. I think I insinuated to the interviewer that he must have been mistaken, but he was like, Really! And I was like, Okaaay...

I concluded by the end though, that the interviewer really must have been mistaken about Lymond -- there was no way it could be true. I could not find a single human being in my vicinity who was reading Lymond when I was, and I had to force my friends to read the books just so I could have people to discuss with! That was how desperate I was.

If it was true though, then: who is this boy! That's what I wanted to know. We would have had lots to discuss.

My sister asked, "What would you do if your friend or the person you love does something really bad, or something you don't like?"

I said, "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds."

Ahah.

Have I mentioned how I've ambitiously purchased Shakespeare's sonnets on my Kindle?

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alterations finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark,

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me prov'd,

I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.

Subhanallah.

So angry. And I think I manifest anger in strange ways. I often say how anger in me usually transforms quickly into sadness and depression.

Maybe a couple of nights' sleep will do some good and then, I will get back some equanimity and deal with this in the best way possible, insya Allah.

I want to please You. I want to please Your Beloved. Forgive me if it has been otherwise. Forgive me that I am still trying.


I really don't understand how some people are just out to condemn. Such negative thoughts! Isn't there that aphorism: people live up to your expectations of them! Why constantly think the worst of other people! I am so sick of it, truly.

I read on a little further and found this.

In reality, every reader, while he is reading,
is the reader of his own self.
The writer's work is merely a kind of optical instrument,
which he offers to the reader to permit him to discern what,
without the book, he would perhaps never have seen in himself.
The reader's recognition in his own self of what the book says
is the proof of its truth.
-- Marcel Proust

The value of fiction is that ironically it helps us see the truths in ourselves? (:

So when I feel like I see parts of my life in a story, it's only because I'm reading a great piece of fiction that's teaching me more about myself.

And E reminded me of this great piece: Can Reading Make You Happier?

So I finally watched Interstellar after L completely bugged her eyes out at me when she learnt that I hadn't seen it yet. And especially after I said how much I love stories that incorporate some concept of time.

One of my favourite bits of dialogue here -- 

that made my heart thud at the possibility of this theory:

I need to sit and discuss this movie with someone. Because, uh, I am somewhat confused. Someone needs to explain certain things to me, like how I'm supposed to wrap my head around the concept of five-dimensional space or how the heck Cooper dropped through a black hole and ended up where he precisely needed to be? Are we saying we still don't know the "they" that have been mysteriously placing things in just the right places and times for them? Or are they themselves the "they"? Cooper said he brought himself there. Or are we not supposed to know the "they", we just know they're there and they have been helping and the whole point is to trust that there's a they out there looking out for us... out of love? Is it God? Is it us? Is it fate as a tangible thing? Is it future humans taking care of their ancestors? (Oh my god, did I just mention off the top of my head a series of divine beliefs including Chinese ancestral worship? GASP -- I just proved to myself why this movie is starting to build a cult following.)

Like what the heck, you Nolans! Storytelling geniuses, and way to not let me sleep tonight.




This movie and our current seriously-awesome bookclub read, A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki, are both making my head hurt, my heart hurt. Things are resonating painfully with what I feel in real life. And I don't know if I'm imbuing meaning to the text, or they really are messages to me -- how do I tell? How do I tell. It's like little Murph in tears, trying to convince her Dad that there's a message that's telling him to stay, except no one believes her. So how to keep faith? How.

This place is designed to break your heart. 

It was designed that way. 

If you're looking to be happy in the dunya, 

you're in the wrong place.

I never tire of that quote. 

Every time I hear it, it jars me again.

I really needed this.

Yoshi, ganbatte!

Let's work hard at life.

How is it already November.

This blog has started to crawl to almost a standstill. It hasn't been like this in more than 10 years.

I have no idea what this means, if anything.




Been revisiting old angsty feelings (are all these events connected somehow? -- the slow blogging of my early teenage days, the angst, the fanfic reading; yes, you heard me). I haven't felt like I want to break plates in a long time. But tonight, in between being properly adult and sane, there were brief flashes of angst.

Maybe it really is because of the fanfic I just got done with -- and you know how some people are 90% what they just read? Yes, maybe that's it. The protagonist is such an angry woman, I think she's rubbing off on me.


I should probably go read some proper literature.

It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion;
it is easy in solitude to live after our own;
but the great man is he
who in the midst of the crowd
keeps with perfect sweetness
the independence of solitude.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

waxing fangirling nostalgia

This is here because I couldn't stop laughing while watching this --

it's fangirling in action:

Fangirling in whichever genre, language or country is the same; 

the falling all over the floor like crazy especially cracks me up!

And I totally approve: Song Joong Ki remains on my favourite Korean actors list without budging -- and staying power more than anything bespeaks value, right? 

GOD. I wish Joong Ki was still a Running Man. 

Then we'd get to see him every week.

This fangirling behaviour reminds me of the time my friends and I were having breakfast during our recess from Arabic class -- and lo and behold, Nouman Ali Khan was sitting at the next table. I saw him first -- cause the sole lady there was staring pointedly at me when we were obliviously hunting for seats -- almost as if daring me to notice. Which I did, of course. When we sat down, I quietly announced to my table what was happening -- and the flurry that followed, ohmygod. HAHAHA. HILARIOUS. Because my cousin became completely flustered and got everyone else flustered and went like, "Where, where! How, how!" And the moment the boys from our class started moving towards him, the ladies jumped out of their seats too: "We want a photo also!"

Not to mention tripping over our feet in front of him and shaking so badly that it was impossible to take a photo. Ridiculous! I was so embarrassed. If it was just me alone, I would probably have feigned ignorance and quivered with excitement inside at best.

Even if it was Yamapi at the height of my youthful infatuation (I can't believe I'm so over him now -- ah, fickle celebrity love), I probably would just freeze like an ice block. Overt fangirling needs company.

---

I don't know why I'm in such a random mood tonight --

but here's something else which had me in stitches:

I'm sure I've posted this here before in the past -- but it so deserves a re-post. 

This entire cast was classic.

why are ravens like writing desks?

I'm alive!

This has to be one of the longest breaks I've had here in years. Not sure why it happened -- just maybe the fact that there was always a gazillion other things that took priority over this blog, valid or not. I think it's gotten to that point again -- why am I writing? who am I? (like seriously, S, at age 28?) I'm still discovering or rediscovering facets of myself -- I suppose it's always better to be growing than not.

Lots have been happening.


*A few friends and I have started a book club! And it's one of those things in life one just has a very good feeling about -- know what I mean?

*I also had a rather long break from work back in September, starting from Polling Day and stretching on for two weeks -- that included a Bali villa-getaway, an amazing self-paid Social Thinking Conference and Workshop (that gave me awesome ideas for social skills clinics!), and Hari Raya Haji. You would think with that much time away from work, I would get down to reflecting and blogging, right? I don't know what got into me.

*I successfully co-conducted two separate talks in primary schools about teaching and caring for our special kids in the mainstream setting! as M likes to say it --- coola!

*I am way overdue for a proper, reflective post -- my thoughts have been simmering for weeks and weeks. And it needs to be let out -- but believe me when I say I should sleep. I really should just SLEEP instead of blog right now. I don't know if everyone's work day is this much nuts (it probably is because I largely blame our crazy Singaporean capitalist culture for our lifestyles) -- but see, the moment I step into work, like literally the very second I step through those glass doors -- work just doesn't stop. I can buy breakfast but it would seriously be sitting there unopened until maybe lunchtime on some days. Like today, I managed to down my cold tahue whilst I grabbed a 30 minute discussion with my NUS student. The flurry of activity at work is just out of this world -- I am doing magical feats, I tell you. I cannot imagine what the medical doctors are doing upstairs in the wards. They might as well be Flash the superhero, as far as I'm concerned.

*Which brings me nicely to this point: that despite how seriously inhumane work demands are right now, I am so deeply thankful that I love this career. It is possibly my ikigai (:

I cannot imagine slogging away at something I don't at least feel a passion for -- and looking back, taking that step to pursue something different in my younger days, has really been one of the best decisions I've ever made. I've mentioned before: how I've learnt that the right decision appears to be accompanied by a feeling of liberation, rather than a feeling of entrapment. I carry that knowledge now into the future as I battle through other rough, unknown terrains.

*That rough unknown terrain currently being this incessant need to be married off before I tick off like a time bomb or something (whyyyyyy). I question my iman -- it probably is terribly deficient in many ways. But what do I do -- I just. Can't. Don't. Know. All I know is I don't want to feel trapped. Do I even make sense? I hope I do. I want a man who will set me free. I want an ikigai-equivalent in this part of my life too, can?

*Yes, I often speak in hyperbole and metaphor, okay. (It's the way E and I talk all the time. I should totally record one of our nutsy conversations.) Not everything is to be taken literally. Because sometimes, truths can only be seen when situations are stretched to the extreme.

*It's like what Dr. Jeffrey Lang advised us to do in his talk about The Purpose of Life (which woohoo! Shaykh Hamza recommended on his blog after I did okay, hehehe -- see why this shaykh is still my favourite no matter what?):

(circa ~1:49) When you want to investigate the truth about something, assume the opposite and see if it fits the big picture/life/our existence. So for example, if you ask, "Why does God let little children suffer? They're too young to know anything, it's heartbreaking", think of the opposing hypothetical situation where children are invulnerable until they're adult. What do you get? What happens to the world?

Then Mummys and Daddys wouldn't need to be Mummys and Daddys anymore. Parenting would be robbed of its value.

Listen to it:

 

(this is one of several versions you can find on youtube -- but it's the longest!)

Wah it's been a while since I've had a somewhat stream of consciousness post.

Ja -- the kitchen-cleaning still awaits.

Shots of Awe

how have I not discovered this youtube series earlier!

it's basically short snippets of narrative/commentary about anything in the world 

-- always philosophical, thoughtful, and artistic.

mr darcy doesn't exist in this world, S

so what do I do, right?

but maybe, 

if there's a Mr Collins, 

stands to reason...

there may be a Mr Darcy.

Some time back, I read Sybil, The Classic True Story of A Woman Possessed by Sixteen Personalities, by Flora Rheta Schreiber. It was fascinating, and horrific. And completely unforgettable.

“Do you know what it means to have a whole day ahead of you, a day you can call your own?”

Because Sybil would go to sleep on some days, and wake up a week later, two months later, years later, having missed large chunks of her life. And in between, a varied range of personalities took her place instead, living her life for her, and making her decisions for her.



Recent korean dramas have shown a penchant for playing with the theme of mental disorders. Kill Me, Heal Me (starring Ji Sung and Hwang Jung Eum) did the story of an individual with DID (i.e. Dissociative Identity Disorder, better known as Multiple Personality Disorder) just like Sybil, which made the drama a must-watch for me. I felt like it did a fairly good job representing the range of split personalities an individual with DID could possess -- and on top of that made it hilarious:

Ji Sung did a great job switching between his roles -- so funny. Oh Ri Jin's face everytime he complains about how he isn't pretty enough or needs plastic surgery, haha!

The one that I'm watching now, Hyde, Jekyll and Me, (starring Hyun Bin as a rich dude with DID) has the same premise but doesn't quite depict the disorder as faithfully. Although! The suffering that goes behind it is a lot more what one would expect with such an individual -- the pain of not being able to control the direction of your life, you know? And hating the parts of you so much that you wish you could kill them, but wouldn't that be suicide?

Because it's Hyun Bin though, this drama does feel more romance-centric (Hyun Bin looks better than he ever has, I think, hehe) and a lot more typically what I'd expect from a k-drama:

I've realised there isn't a point to this post (must my posts all have clear purposes? must they be point-y? hm.) -- but just saying I'm loving these stories. And I love it when I can make connections between the things I've read/watched/experienced.

Here's a short documentary clip about Sybil and real multiple personality disorders:

The song for me right now, I feel --

And in accordance -- I do also feel like I need a haircut!

Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is, where your book begins;
The rest is still unwritten

(Her songs are all so awesome, seriously. 

How could I have not appreciated her work before?)

---

There are some things in life not going so great right now -- but oh man, I am really appreciating work life though. (I keep remembering what K said back in the past when things weren't so great for her and she was like, "At this age, just let me work lah. Thanks.")

I am making great friends with some of my colleagues. Work is not super wonderful or anything; some days, like seriously, I want to scream and roll my eyes and scream again -- my head feels like exploding while I stare at the crazy mess of a calendar that we have for our team -- but the fact that I then leave work and have a great dinner with them and we bitch about things, and talk about bigger things than work, it makes all the difference. It makes it worth it to come in the mornings, knowing that today, hey -- I've got to have her back. And some other days, when I feel like collapsing and making a fit -- we convene in a therapy room at 6PM, and share tears and hysterical laughter, and then at least feel: this crazy place that we work at, this crazy world that we live in, we're not alone.

---

Selawat Mahabbah 

(whose meaning I've only started to internalise -- it's so wonderful, and it does encapsulate everything you'd need)

Oh Allah, selawat, salam and blessings upon Sayyidina Muhammad with the amount of Your Love for him.

And increase in us, Oh Allah, the love for him.

And relieve from us whatever that we are in, Ya Rabb,  with his love.

And provide us with unveilings, Ya Rabb, with his love.

 And provide us with resolute health against whatever that we face, Ya Rabb, with his love.

Love, love, love.

Sis and me rewatched the now-classic Legally Blonde movie.

I am not lying when I say it is inspiring me, in more ways than one, hehe.

I have decided I need endorphins to chase away blues.

---

Also,

The goal of classical self-education is this: not merely to "stuff" facts into your head, but to understand them. Incorporate them into your mental framework. Reflect on their meaning for the internal life. The "external things" -- be they Platonic philosophy, the actions of an Austen heroine, or a political biography -- makes us more conscious of our own "reality and shape". This, not mere accumulation, is the goal of self-education. The journal is the place where this learning happens.

-- The Well-Educated Mind, Susan Wise Bauer

So many goals, too little time, limited self-discipline. But I will try hard, I will I will I will, insya Allah!

This was shared at one of our speech therapy inservices recently.

It filled my heart with fuzzies.

Selamat Hari Raya!

Raya has been good! Our house is new in many ways, so when we had our guests over, there were tours hehe, and showing off new bathroom tiles and expensive foam mattresses and double-decker beds and 55-inch tv screens.

But above is my favourite corner in the entire house -- painstakingly created by my sis and me, that took hours, I tell you. Hours. It consists of: flowers painstakingly selected over ++rumination, Irada Sticker Art after ++anguish over which to select and regret for not sending over our own ni'al version to be customised, MWPP Marauder's Map (gifted by A and S from HP World in the US), Aroma diffuser (Tulip flavour), tiny pink wall clock with white border, Abah's old wooden shelf, the wooden "breathe" word art J gave me from one of her overseas trips, and our most current reads nicely arranged by order of height. We took so long arranging these items so that it'd look perfect -- seriously, hilarious to recall. We'd put something and then stare at it from a distance to see if it fit perfectly and then alter a miniscule bit and stare again -- repeat x 100. The time you see on the clock is in AM -- that's when we finally got done with this on malam raya. I'm surprised I could still wake up for prayers on raya morning.

I'm so happy with it now. *beams*

Some updates in life -- here they are:

* I have got myself a Kindle -- and it is one of the best things I've ever bought for myself in my entire life, really. How did I take this long to get one of these! It's amazing to have your entire library with you, in your handbag -- and it can also store PDFs, so I can read my journal articles for work and therapy. And it has dictionary functions and a cool paper-like screen surface, that can be adjusted to read in the dark. LOVE IT. This is a book lover's dream -- I thought I would miss the feel of paper, but no. No. No. It has been wonderful.

*I have started actually training others at work -- I couldn't believe it at first. Like wow. I attribute it mainly to the fact that most of my seniors are not interested in language clinics (as opposed to more medically-based clinics like feeding, swallowing and voice) so then it brings the expertise down to my level. We're also going over to mainstream primary schools to share expertise -- the career-driven part of my soul is trying not to burst from over-excitement and jubilation. But Subhanallah, I'm realising it now -- how Allah has put me in the right place despite all that inpatient nightmare. I've always wanted the mainstream school thing -- always, since back in my NUS days. Subhanallah, this is another example of how I should always trust God. Thank You, thank You, I love You.

*Match-making has entered my life in full-force. I am not even joking (okay, maybe I'm exaggerating). But -- ohmygod. What is with all this! Just -- God, I want to get out of all this crazy. Just -- let me marry someone who loves You, who loves me, and who I love. End.

*I have made some great and true friends at work -- and boy, does it make a whole load of difference. (:

The family traipsed over to Swensens at the airport for sahur (i.e. our pre-dawn meal) at 3 am this morning.

Of course, I'm blamed as the instigator who woke everyone at 2.30 am -- but didn't we have a good time! :P heeeee. I love that my family does unconventional, spontaneous things like this.




This Ramadhan overall has been lovely for me so far. It really has. I haven't been superb with the worship, but I feel like I'm concertedly working to improve some little things. It's the small but consistent increments that pave the way to greater things, right? Insya Allah.

I pray that my heart stays peaceful and trusting the rest of this month and beyond, through whatever uncertainties this world presents.