beautiful things make me cry

Fairly recently, I attended a spiritual gathering that was a cum-farewell party for a lady who I'd met about a year ago at a spiritual retreat. There was recitation of the Burdah in view of the Prophet s.a.w.'s birthday and mawlid; we prayed together in congregation; there was food to munch on; and then we had a go-around to give well-wishes to Lady A and her kids, who were leaving Singapore indefinitely for New Zealand, to do beautiful work there.

When the mic came round to me, I had stuff semi-constructed in my mind on what to say, but after two lines of speech -- the tears leaked out in torrents!!! ahahahhh. Lady A is totally an inspiring person and I had words to say to her that touched me deeply, but I'm hopeless; the moment I said them words, my emotions welled up like crazy and I could barely speak without shaking. I honestly don't know why I'm becoming increasingly like this. Everybody who went on that spiritual retreat has probably labeled me The Cry-er With Secret Issues, perhaps, hahahahaha, I don't know. This group of wonderful ladies has seen me in tears more than any group of friends (or perhaps even family!). I would attribute this to the purity of the space they create in the presence of their beautiful souls. (I told Lady A later in the night: It's your fault. Beautiful things make me cry.) Luckily, I salvaged that speech (because I didn't end up a complete mess of tears, unlike other times) and made myself think of the happy and funny times we had, and enumerated that instead.

Then again, I don't think anyone went home dry-eyed from that retreat, so maybe I'm not so much an anomaly. But generally, these few recent years, my emotional capacity has tripled or something. It gets utterly embarrassing, I am not kidding. I'm actually afraid to watch any even-remotely sad thing in front of other people, out of fear that I'll be crying like crazy and then they would wonder over my health. Haha, it's ridiculous.

Just the other day at Chit Chat Cafe (where we support persons with aphasia), the Aphasia Choir put on their very first performance, and then a caregiver gave her reflection on her husband's progress since his participation in the choir. After that, the music therapist came on to say a few words and got slightly emotional at how proud she was of the choir; I, in the audience, had to hide my face behind a piece of paper because the tears were uncontrollable. I need to learn to control the tears! Haha, seriously. I don't get it myself. I like the fact that maybe I'm learning to be more empathic.... but!!! I have decided I should not speak on birthdays or weddings or any sort of commemorative gathering, unless I'm ready to cry in front of an audience.

Speaking of which...

This made me cry AGAIN tonight.

Kim Namjoon, you special human being.

The number of people you inspire.

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The year is reaching its end, and we're approaching a special-numbered year!

2020; 

everytime I think it, I remember the catchphrase from Malaysian TV, 

years ago when I was a small child: Wawasan 2020! 

God, as we step into a new decade,

let my heart grow to contain all that is beautiful and true of Your creation.

Help me put my full trust and faith in You, and help me see even more beauty

in this world, and insya Allah, the next.

I've been feeling how strange it is, that the bigger and truer the love,

the more detached it is from this world.

The more it is released into the universe, into Your hands.

The less I write, the less I know how to, it seems.

It's a struggle to get the right words out; 

then I remind myself, 

inspiration is not a valve you switch on. 

It's more like the rainbow you wait around for, 

amidst/after the rain.

It already says something, that I manage to blog only because I've fallen ill enough to have MC for three days consecutively. It crept up on me slowly, but my exhaustion levels are reaching the roof; and it's a long, deep-seated tiredness that's not really about how many hours of sleep I get at night. It's about the need for replenishing in a soul sense, I guess. I want to revisit Kamikochi, for instance, and breathe in the pure, clean air, away from the harried-ness of this city life I live, that seems to be all about haveyou's and whyhaventyou's and shouldntyou's. I want to live life with a lightness, and a peace, and a deep love and gratitude, with no concern for timelines and social rank or status or money-making schemes. I am aware it is not impossible to keep a state of mind like this despite the environment, but it's so bloody hard.

Hence I am noting this down here (I've already noted it down on a hardcopy notebook):

Fighting Your Shadows

1) Recognise what your shadows are

2) Don't get complacent about the shadows (especially when you're in a good place and think you've fought them all off); how do you usually keep up the light? Do those things!

3) Shadows will come at your Achilles heel, or the crack in your armour; it WILL happen

4) Partner with other souls on the soul growth journey

(Courtesy of a youtube podcast I was listening to.)