It's getting very easy to jump on this bandwagon calling 2016 a terrible year.

As the end draws near, all the negatives have been flooding my mind, and flooding our news feeds. I know it's probably skewed and I do plan to put another not-so-depressing photo-montage post here for my annual wrap-up post for the year; but while I concede there are good things in the year -- like seeing Scotland again! -- I am not genki enough to be writing; I think I'll only have enough energy to put photos.

I can sense myself falling into incoherence.



Examples of increasingly sad things gracing the end of this year:

* this crazy saga about Shaykh Hamza being slandered as a racist. It is ridiculous and enraging. People will just say whatever and good luck to you in the afterlife, I say. When I'd heard that Mehdi Hassan was going to interview Shaykh Hamza at RIS I was so thrilled! and then agonized because uh, one has to like pay ++money to watch it live and even then I wouldn't be free at said timing anyway. But then, the next thing I knew, there were claims that he made racist remarks -- like what?! Subhanallah... This man has no racist bone in his body. People should learn to understand the bigger picture and the overall message conveyed rather than nitpick at isolated comments. Open-mindedness is key. And he apologised and everything! And admitted that it sounded insensitive. And still all the accusations are rife.

I just -- sometimes my heart feels like it's so compressed, it'll just flatline from all the ache.

* the end of Running Man next week. Another unbelievable, shocking saga that led to the abrupt decision to end the most successful Korean variety show ever. The crazy production team, thinking to inject some fresh change to the dynamic of the show, attempted to remove Ji Hyo and Jong Kook from the team, without consulting them or any of the main cast (STUPIDEST MOVE EVER) -- which led to a crazy explosion of fury among fans and cast members alike -- and then the main cast all decided to call it quits together. Which I have to say is awesome. I love them all. It was bad enough when Gary left barely two months ago! I actually cried at the end of his last episode. I think that was an omen of things to come.

Kwang Soo recently won a Top Excellence Award for Variety Show

 and his speech was especially heart-breaking knowing that Running Man, 

which catapulted him into international stardom, was ending.

* my sis had told me about this amazing Malaysian girl and her husband, who were the epitome of a true love story -- she was fighting cancer and they'd married anyway. And this wonderful lady had personally served as such an inspiration for my sister and her own difficulties -- and we'd learnt she passed away just yesterday, on her wedding anniversary, which also happened to be her husband's birthday. I literally cannot stop tearing when I think of her. She was such a beautiful person and I didn't even know her personally.

* and then I personally did something for myself that was seemingly a small move, but is now pushing me to the brink of tears every other moment. I am working hard to hold myself together.




Ya Allah, please please please make the end of next year much happier than this one. For all of us.

Today was a good day --

(i) I officially passed my SPOT fussy eater clinic! whooooooooooo! and essentially, this put the rest of my day into a good mood. And then I only had two kids in the PM -- so documentation was complete before 5PM and I could pray even before the day was done. After that, L and me went out for a cafe dinner we've been planning for weeks -- the pasta was good -- and we had cake to celebrate my passing SPOT and the fact that I will very soon be finishing my bond. Unbelievable that I've been a speechie for four years now.

Yay, Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah for small victories.

(ii) Nutella banana cake was awesome.

(iii) I came home to a wonderful but super belated birthday card that came via snail-mail from S in Australia (I have too many friends whose names start with S). Reminiscing on old times we had in common, and the fact that she still treasures our friendship, warms my heart.

I do believe that a true connection lasts forever, whether or not one keeps in touch.



Dear God, help me see the beauty in the everyday simple and seemingly mundane.

Datin S is back on the sunny island that she so misses
and she wanted to watch La La Land so we did,
and what a great movie choice we made.

This story spoke to my heart.

I felt like it was made for me.

When this song played,

I was streaming tears like a broken pipe.

This movie was beautiful. 

Really really really.

It's one of those things that are to be felt and experienced,

and cannot be fully explained.

Here's to the ones who dream

Foolish as they may seem

Here's to the hearts that ache

Here's to the mess we make

Something small but miraculous happened tonight.



I was sitting with M at our typical gathering, and at the end of it, I told her, just by way of conversation, that we'd bumped into her daughter W earlier that day while we were out shopping. To my surprise (although she so often becomes tearful it shouldn't be too surprising), this quite suddenly brought on a torrent of tears. Apparently, she'd been waiting to hear about her estranged daughter, and had been praying hard all week. It promptly became a crying fest between the two of us as she related though tears how she'd been desperate for any news of W, and that just my telling her that I'd seen W proved that Allah had heard her prayers. "Now I'm happy. Tonight I can sleep."


It's certainly wonderful and inexplicably amazing to have one's prayers answered.

I'm feeling though, that being part of the reason someone else's prayers are answered,
is equally wonderful all on its own. If only to witness how God listens.


Thank You. I've been feeling low and cast-aside -- but this; it feels like I'm forgiven.

I dropped by a mosque this evening to do my prayers,
before I went on for my Arabic class.

And I was hearing snippets of the sermon that was taking place.


My goodness, my ears started burning with anger.
Just -- the way he spoke about women!

I cannot recall word for word what was said obviously (because that is notoriously not how my memory works). But I do remember the general gist of it being good women defined as nice, domesticated, and taking care of their husbands, as if that was the entirety of a woman's existence. Thank you for alienating women like me.

It did not help that earlier that morning on the way to work, I was listening to clips of talks by a speaker I generally respected -- but then he spoke some about marriage, and started saying things like: Unfortunately, if women waited to complete their university degrees and then think about marriage, they can only hope to get second-rate offers from men (i.e. as second wives, or from men who were childless -- like what is that even). Apparently, he believed that it was one or the other -- you choose your degree or you choose marriage. It's very difficult to have both; if you choose degree then you would have missed the age of marriage. He did provide a caveat in that it was not impossible, but it was difficult.



Ya Rasulullah, these men, I don't care how much knowledge they supposedly have. They claim to follow you, but they know so little of how much you champion women. And truly, if I didn't have you, my heart would be in pieces. They forget that the first woman you married was 15 years your senior, and a business woman at that. They forget that of all the women you married, only one was a young virgin. They forget how much you love women.

And if they had any part of the heart you have,
they wouldn't have made one of their own Muslimah
feel so small and unworthy a woman.

Excuse me, this is a fangirling outtake (:


It's a great week to be a fan. I just realised this. Because seriously major things happened in my fandoms --

* apparently it is confirmed that there will be a Lymond television series. This news still intermittently makes me hyperventilate, ohmygoodness, hahaha. I really didn't think this would ever happen. Because while yes, Lymond has a loyal fan-base, we are extremely tiny, extremely, extremely tiny. I swear, there must be like less than 30 persons on tumblr just reblogging each other's stuffs. Sure, we have serious, much older readers who obviously don't do tumblr, but you know -- when there's no strong collective, there's no traction. So I just didn't think any production company would pick it up.

And do you know how obscure Lymond is? (Then again, Mammoth Screens that has signed a deal for Lymond has had a history of adapting good and not necessarily popular classics I think, hmmm.) Even if Lymond gains attention, I think only a fraction of the audience will ever get through the first book! It's so hard to read. I'm trying not to be elitist here, but I can generally tell if you'll be able to get through Lymond or not -- you have to be a serious reader. I have lent it to persons and they haven't been able to get through it and then they fail to understand the awesomeness of it.

The general sentiment of our tiny fandom is extreme excitement coupled with fear -- because how can any television adaptation give justice to this complex and rich story?

* BTS has been winning a pile of awards since the release of Wings in October, and then they won a big Asian Artist of the Year Award just a day or two ago -- and omgosh, I have been a fan only maybe for 6 months, but how much I love them is so unexpected. It's like -- my love for Big Bang and Arashi in the past is only to prepare me for loving BTS now. It's ridiculous. Watch them, I really think they're not done conquering the music scene yet. People are still comparing them to other kpop acts, but I shall venture to say that they are different and will slowly stand on their own, the way Big Bang did. The fervour they are eliciting on a worldwide scale is pretty much unseen before, with respect to a korean musical group.

I have this theory -- and it's why I keep quoting Big Bang and Arashi. Big Bang is super talented, G-Dragon as leader especially is seriously one of a kind (pun intended, haha!), so that guarantees somewhat, that Big Bang will always have that respected spot at the top of the music scene. But Big Bang, does not have the magic of Arashi. There's just something about Arashi: it's really not their music so much as a love and a kinship that they engender in fans that really starts to transcend. People love Arashi together; all five of them bantering and working and performing has kind of an inspirational quality. People love the friendship between them, and the genuine passion and sincerity that shines through, and that is something you cannot really manufacture. This ineffable quality really shouldn't be underestimated -- because it is the reason Arashi is loved so well in Japan (excuse the rest of the world because Japanese media does not market itself well -- and despite that Arashi did enjoy a lot of fan love globally). You have little kiddies who love Arashi as well as 80-year-old grandmas who adore them as well. And of course, everyone else in between. It is phenomenal.

Now, BTS, appears to me to have both of these elements. Maybe not yet grown to the level exemplified by Big Bang or Arashi, but they have it. And the prospect of this potent combination of talent and genuine kinship with fans really truly excites me. We have seriously talented boys in this group -- what with that brain of Rap Monster leading the pack with all that songwriting and composition, and Suga's crazy lyric and rapping skills (I mean, I know close to nothing about rap, but whatever he does is pretty much mesmerising), and J-Hope's unbelievable dancing, and Jung Kook's amazing voice (that almost had him win on another contest all by himself!) -- I won't list each one of them, but they're each very talented in their own unique way. Big Bang has this too -- you could take any one of them out and they could potentially be successful solo acts. It's amazing to put equally talented persons all in one group.

At the same time, ohmygosh, these boys are really boys, and they clearly love each other like brothers. There's a camaraderie, or beyond that really, a deep connection, between all of them that really shines through. People love it. Their production company, deliberately or not, showcases this to fans via their ingenious youtube channel called Bangtan Bombs, and it is gold. It is hitting jackpot. Fans start to really see that dynamic between the members and love them far beyond the music. I see it -- the gifs on tumblr, the adoration of the members in all their goofiness, the nicknaming of the boys as though they're your friends. It's amazing -- and I saw this with Arashi too. A common fan exclamation is, "They make me so happy!"

And that's why I love them so hard.