some love stories are really forever

This isn't my wrap-up post for the year, although I've been really, really meaning to -- but the family just watched Dilwale together hehe, and I just wanted to post this:

Honestly, the plot was so weak, it barely crawled. 

But if anything, this was a tribute to the Shak Rukh-Kajol pairing 

that has spanned more than 20 years; and that, I fully support.

Seriously, the both of them on-screen together is just so awesome, 

I'm starting to wonder which pairing in Bollywood could ever replace them! 

And juxtaposed against the young couple pairing in this movie 

only highlighted the amazing chemistry even more.

Not to mention that Kajol looks inexplicably gorgeous -- how on Earth.

2015 coming to a close soon, my friends. And yes, I owe a blog post.

my reflection post for the year is due, it being December! Subhanallah how this year has flown, and every year seems to be flying by faster.

Don't think I have the energy to give a full reflection piece yet, but maybe a quick wrap-up of the main events of the year -- like my brother getting married and therefore me gaining another sister. Sisters are always great to have! (:

Also, this year has record number of friends having babies!

Pigey being the most recent, and the most...

jarring? is that the word to describe the feeling?

I mean -- it doesn't feel that long ago 

when we were all kids ourselves and being thoroughly silly and immature.

How is it that one of us has a kid? Haha.

Also, this is just lovely and should be kept.

Tala'al badru 'alaina -- 

one of those songs my siblings and I learnt before we properly learnt to talk

and this makes very big fuzzy feelings in my heart.

after all the hate, seriously -- I cried like mad watching the Canadian PM giving his speeches.

Ya Rasulullah, please let your light shine in deserving hearts.

Amin.

Reminder to self:

submit.

I've been more and more in this very resigned state in recent times,

and what with all the horrors happening with respect to Muslims around the world.

It feels so exhausting, 

inside, outside, all of it.

I need to cultivate my supapawa

There will be moments when I have entire posts planned in my head, even specific lines that get conjured up that beg to be written down -- but then, time moves on, and the plans and lines fade from my mind, losing their intensity. They missed their moment, and cannot be reproduced without them feeling fake.

Which is why, words are also time beings. Words are especially time beings. You've got to catch them when they form and grasp them tightly for transfer onto something more concrete, like paper, or video, or at least into someone's memory.

This story is intensely philosophical, moving, and made me cry unexpectedly; 

but written with the straightforwardness of a teenage girl.

It's the cold fish dying in your stomach feeling. You try to forget about it, but as soon as you do, the fish starts flopping around under your heart and reminds you that something truly horrible is happening.

Jiko felt like that when she learned that her only son was going to be killed in the war. I know, because I told her about the fish in my stomach and she said she knew exactly what I was talking about, and that she had a fish, too, for many years. In fact, she had lots of fishes, some that were small like sardines, some that were medium-sized like carp, and other ones that were as big as a bluefin tuna, but the biggest fish of all belonged to Haruki #1, and it was more like the size of a whale. She also said that after she became a nun and renounced the world, she learned how to open up her heart so that the whale could swim away. I'm trying to learn how to do that, too.


At one point, Nao, the teenage girl, asked if only depressed people cared about philosophy. And that line made me even sadder, because when I get into one of these philosophical moods, I do feel extra sad, extra like-an-outsider, and thinking how, my God, I don't think I'm made for this world at all. Oh well -- Nabi s.a.w. did say that some of the best people are the ones who travel this world light, knowing that we're really not here for forever.

It's amazing my love affair with books: how they affect me, and leave major imprints on my heart, on my mind.




I've been remembering this thought, this memory: I remember going for a scholarship interview years and years ago, and nerdily mentioning Lymond, in relation to either books I love, characters I admire or citing leadership quality maybe -- can't quite recall. And then the Indian man who interviewed me said something about how this book must be really popular, the boy who was in just before you mentioned him too! At which of course, I almost got entirely derailed from the purpose of my being there (i.e. a job/scholarship interview) -- because Lymond? Popular? A boy reading it? Are you kidding me??? My eyes must have been almost rolling out of their sockets in shock. I think I insinuated to the interviewer that he must have been mistaken, but he was like, Really! And I was like, Okaaay...

I concluded by the end though, that the interviewer really must have been mistaken about Lymond -- there was no way it could be true. I could not find a single human being in my vicinity who was reading Lymond when I was, and I had to force my friends to read the books just so I could have people to discuss with! That was how desperate I was.

If it was true though, then: who is this boy! That's what I wanted to know. We would have had lots to discuss.

My sister asked, "What would you do if your friend or the person you love does something really bad, or something you don't like?"

I said, "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds."

Ahah.

Have I mentioned how I've ambitiously purchased Shakespeare's sonnets on my Kindle?

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alterations finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark,

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me prov'd,

I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.

Subhanallah.

So angry. And I think I manifest anger in strange ways. I often say how anger in me usually transforms quickly into sadness and depression.

Maybe a couple of nights' sleep will do some good and then, I will get back some equanimity and deal with this in the best way possible, insya Allah.

I want to please You. I want to please Your Beloved. Forgive me if it has been otherwise. Forgive me that I am still trying.


I really don't understand how some people are just out to condemn. Such negative thoughts! Isn't there that aphorism: people live up to your expectations of them! Why constantly think the worst of other people! I am so sick of it, truly.

I read on a little further and found this.

In reality, every reader, while he is reading,
is the reader of his own self.
The writer's work is merely a kind of optical instrument,
which he offers to the reader to permit him to discern what,
without the book, he would perhaps never have seen in himself.
The reader's recognition in his own self of what the book says
is the proof of its truth.
-- Marcel Proust

The value of fiction is that ironically it helps us see the truths in ourselves? (:

So when I feel like I see parts of my life in a story, it's only because I'm reading a great piece of fiction that's teaching me more about myself.

And E reminded me of this great piece: Can Reading Make You Happier?

So I finally watched Interstellar after L completely bugged her eyes out at me when she learnt that I hadn't seen it yet. And especially after I said how much I love stories that incorporate some concept of time.

One of my favourite bits of dialogue here -- 

that made my heart thud at the possibility of this theory:

I need to sit and discuss this movie with someone. Because, uh, I am somewhat confused. Someone needs to explain certain things to me, like how I'm supposed to wrap my head around the concept of five-dimensional space or how the heck Cooper dropped through a black hole and ended up where he precisely needed to be? Are we saying we still don't know the "they" that have been mysteriously placing things in just the right places and times for them? Or are they themselves the "they"? Cooper said he brought himself there. Or are we not supposed to know the "they", we just know they're there and they have been helping and the whole point is to trust that there's a they out there looking out for us... out of love? Is it God? Is it us? Is it fate as a tangible thing? Is it future humans taking care of their ancestors? (Oh my god, did I just mention off the top of my head a series of divine beliefs including Chinese ancestral worship? GASP -- I just proved to myself why this movie is starting to build a cult following.)

Like what the heck, you Nolans! Storytelling geniuses, and way to not let me sleep tonight.




This movie and our current seriously-awesome bookclub read, A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki, are both making my head hurt, my heart hurt. Things are resonating painfully with what I feel in real life. And I don't know if I'm imbuing meaning to the text, or they really are messages to me -- how do I tell? How do I tell. It's like little Murph in tears, trying to convince her Dad that there's a message that's telling him to stay, except no one believes her. So how to keep faith? How.

This place is designed to break your heart. 

It was designed that way. 

If you're looking to be happy in the dunya, 

you're in the wrong place.

I never tire of that quote. 

Every time I hear it, it jars me again.

I really needed this.

Yoshi, ganbatte!

Let's work hard at life.

How is it already November.

This blog has started to crawl to almost a standstill. It hasn't been like this in more than 10 years.

I have no idea what this means, if anything.




Been revisiting old angsty feelings (are all these events connected somehow? -- the slow blogging of my early teenage days, the angst, the fanfic reading; yes, you heard me). I haven't felt like I want to break plates in a long time. But tonight, in between being properly adult and sane, there were brief flashes of angst.

Maybe it really is because of the fanfic I just got done with -- and you know how some people are 90% what they just read? Yes, maybe that's it. The protagonist is such an angry woman, I think she's rubbing off on me.


I should probably go read some proper literature.

It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion;
it is easy in solitude to live after our own;
but the great man is he
who in the midst of the crowd
keeps with perfect sweetness
the independence of solitude.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

waxing fangirling nostalgia

This is here because I couldn't stop laughing while watching this --

it's fangirling in action:

Fangirling in whichever genre, language or country is the same; 

the falling all over the floor like crazy especially cracks me up!

And I totally approve: Song Joong Ki remains on my favourite Korean actors list without budging -- and staying power more than anything bespeaks value, right? 

GOD. I wish Joong Ki was still a Running Man. 

Then we'd get to see him every week.

This fangirling behaviour reminds me of the time my friends and I were having breakfast during our recess from Arabic class -- and lo and behold, Nouman Ali Khan was sitting at the next table. I saw him first -- cause the sole lady there was staring pointedly at me when we were obliviously hunting for seats -- almost as if daring me to notice. Which I did, of course. When we sat down, I quietly announced to my table what was happening -- and the flurry that followed, ohmygod. HAHAHA. HILARIOUS. Because my cousin became completely flustered and got everyone else flustered and went like, "Where, where! How, how!" And the moment the boys from our class started moving towards him, the ladies jumped out of their seats too: "We want a photo also!"

Not to mention tripping over our feet in front of him and shaking so badly that it was impossible to take a photo. Ridiculous! I was so embarrassed. If it was just me alone, I would probably have feigned ignorance and quivered with excitement inside at best.

Even if it was Yamapi at the height of my youthful infatuation (I can't believe I'm so over him now -- ah, fickle celebrity love), I probably would just freeze like an ice block. Overt fangirling needs company.

---

I don't know why I'm in such a random mood tonight --

but here's something else which had me in stitches:

I'm sure I've posted this here before in the past -- but it so deserves a re-post. 

This entire cast was classic.

why are ravens like writing desks?

I'm alive!

This has to be one of the longest breaks I've had here in years. Not sure why it happened -- just maybe the fact that there was always a gazillion other things that took priority over this blog, valid or not. I think it's gotten to that point again -- why am I writing? who am I? (like seriously, S, at age 28?) I'm still discovering or rediscovering facets of myself -- I suppose it's always better to be growing than not.

Lots have been happening.


*A few friends and I have started a book club! And it's one of those things in life one just has a very good feeling about -- know what I mean?

*I also had a rather long break from work back in September, starting from Polling Day and stretching on for two weeks -- that included a Bali villa-getaway, an amazing self-paid Social Thinking Conference and Workshop (that gave me awesome ideas for social skills clinics!), and Hari Raya Haji. You would think with that much time away from work, I would get down to reflecting and blogging, right? I don't know what got into me.

*I successfully co-conducted two separate talks in primary schools about teaching and caring for our special kids in the mainstream setting! as M likes to say it --- coola!

*I am way overdue for a proper, reflective post -- my thoughts have been simmering for weeks and weeks. And it needs to be let out -- but believe me when I say I should sleep. I really should just SLEEP instead of blog right now. I don't know if everyone's work day is this much nuts (it probably is because I largely blame our crazy Singaporean capitalist culture for our lifestyles) -- but see, the moment I step into work, like literally the very second I step through those glass doors -- work just doesn't stop. I can buy breakfast but it would seriously be sitting there unopened until maybe lunchtime on some days. Like today, I managed to down my cold tahue whilst I grabbed a 30 minute discussion with my NUS student. The flurry of activity at work is just out of this world -- I am doing magical feats, I tell you. I cannot imagine what the medical doctors are doing upstairs in the wards. They might as well be Flash the superhero, as far as I'm concerned.

*Which brings me nicely to this point: that despite how seriously inhumane work demands are right now, I am so deeply thankful that I love this career. It is possibly my ikigai (:

I cannot imagine slogging away at something I don't at least feel a passion for -- and looking back, taking that step to pursue something different in my younger days, has really been one of the best decisions I've ever made. I've mentioned before: how I've learnt that the right decision appears to be accompanied by a feeling of liberation, rather than a feeling of entrapment. I carry that knowledge now into the future as I battle through other rough, unknown terrains.

*That rough unknown terrain currently being this incessant need to be married off before I tick off like a time bomb or something (whyyyyyy). I question my iman -- it probably is terribly deficient in many ways. But what do I do -- I just. Can't. Don't. Know. All I know is I don't want to feel trapped. Do I even make sense? I hope I do. I want a man who will set me free. I want an ikigai-equivalent in this part of my life too, can?

*Yes, I often speak in hyperbole and metaphor, okay. (It's the way E and I talk all the time. I should totally record one of our nutsy conversations.) Not everything is to be taken literally. Because sometimes, truths can only be seen when situations are stretched to the extreme.

*It's like what Dr. Jeffrey Lang advised us to do in his talk about The Purpose of Life (which woohoo! Shaykh Hamza recommended on his blog after I did okay, hehehe -- see why this shaykh is still my favourite no matter what?):

(circa ~1:49) When you want to investigate the truth about something, assume the opposite and see if it fits the big picture/life/our existence. So for example, if you ask, "Why does God let little children suffer? They're too young to know anything, it's heartbreaking", think of the opposing hypothetical situation where children are invulnerable until they're adult. What do you get? What happens to the world?

Then Mummys and Daddys wouldn't need to be Mummys and Daddys anymore. Parenting would be robbed of its value.

Listen to it:

 

(this is one of several versions you can find on youtube -- but it's the longest!)

Wah it's been a while since I've had a somewhat stream of consciousness post.

Ja -- the kitchen-cleaning still awaits.

Shots of Awe

how have I not discovered this youtube series earlier!

it's basically short snippets of narrative/commentary about anything in the world 

-- always philosophical, thoughtful, and artistic.

mr darcy doesn't exist in this world, S

so what do I do, right?

but maybe, 

if there's a Mr Collins, 

stands to reason...

there may be a Mr Darcy.

Some time back, I read Sybil, The Classic True Story of A Woman Possessed by Sixteen Personalities, by Flora Rheta Schreiber. It was fascinating, and horrific. And completely unforgettable.

“Do you know what it means to have a whole day ahead of you, a day you can call your own?”

Because Sybil would go to sleep on some days, and wake up a week later, two months later, years later, having missed large chunks of her life. And in between, a varied range of personalities took her place instead, living her life for her, and making her decisions for her.



Recent korean dramas have shown a penchant for playing with the theme of mental disorders. Kill Me, Heal Me (starring Ji Sung and Hwang Jung Eum) did the story of an individual with DID (i.e. Dissociative Identity Disorder, better known as Multiple Personality Disorder) just like Sybil, which made the drama a must-watch for me. I felt like it did a fairly good job representing the range of split personalities an individual with DID could possess -- and on top of that made it hilarious:

Ji Sung did a great job switching between his roles -- so funny. Oh Ri Jin's face everytime he complains about how he isn't pretty enough or needs plastic surgery, haha!

The one that I'm watching now, Hyde, Jekyll and Me, (starring Hyun Bin as a rich dude with DID) has the same premise but doesn't quite depict the disorder as faithfully. Although! The suffering that goes behind it is a lot more what one would expect with such an individual -- the pain of not being able to control the direction of your life, you know? And hating the parts of you so much that you wish you could kill them, but wouldn't that be suicide?

Because it's Hyun Bin though, this drama does feel more romance-centric (Hyun Bin looks better than he ever has, I think, hehe) and a lot more typically what I'd expect from a k-drama:

I've realised there isn't a point to this post (must my posts all have clear purposes? must they be point-y? hm.) -- but just saying I'm loving these stories. And I love it when I can make connections between the things I've read/watched/experienced.

Here's a short documentary clip about Sybil and real multiple personality disorders:

The song for me right now, I feel --

And in accordance -- I do also feel like I need a haircut!

Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is, where your book begins;
The rest is still unwritten

(Her songs are all so awesome, seriously. 

How could I have not appreciated her work before?)

---

There are some things in life not going so great right now -- but oh man, I am really appreciating work life though. (I keep remembering what K said back in the past when things weren't so great for her and she was like, "At this age, just let me work lah. Thanks.")

I am making great friends with some of my colleagues. Work is not super wonderful or anything; some days, like seriously, I want to scream and roll my eyes and scream again -- my head feels like exploding while I stare at the crazy mess of a calendar that we have for our team -- but the fact that I then leave work and have a great dinner with them and we bitch about things, and talk about bigger things than work, it makes all the difference. It makes it worth it to come in the mornings, knowing that today, hey -- I've got to have her back. And some other days, when I feel like collapsing and making a fit -- we convene in a therapy room at 6PM, and share tears and hysterical laughter, and then at least feel: this crazy place that we work at, this crazy world that we live in, we're not alone.

---

Selawat Mahabbah 

(whose meaning I've only started to internalise -- it's so wonderful, and it does encapsulate everything you'd need)

Oh Allah, selawat, salam and blessings upon Sayyidina Muhammad with the amount of Your Love for him.

And increase in us, Oh Allah, the love for him.

And relieve from us whatever that we are in, Ya Rabb,  with his love.

And provide us with unveilings, Ya Rabb, with his love.

 And provide us with resolute health against whatever that we face, Ya Rabb, with his love.

Love, love, love.

Sis and me rewatched the now-classic Legally Blonde movie.

I am not lying when I say it is inspiring me, in more ways than one, hehe.

I have decided I need endorphins to chase away blues.

---

Also,

The goal of classical self-education is this: not merely to "stuff" facts into your head, but to understand them. Incorporate them into your mental framework. Reflect on their meaning for the internal life. The "external things" -- be they Platonic philosophy, the actions of an Austen heroine, or a political biography -- makes us more conscious of our own "reality and shape". This, not mere accumulation, is the goal of self-education. The journal is the place where this learning happens.

-- The Well-Educated Mind, Susan Wise Bauer

So many goals, too little time, limited self-discipline. But I will try hard, I will I will I will, insya Allah!

This was shared at one of our speech therapy inservices recently.

It filled my heart with fuzzies.

Selamat Hari Raya!

Raya has been good! Our house is new in many ways, so when we had our guests over, there were tours hehe, and showing off new bathroom tiles and expensive foam mattresses and double-decker beds and 55-inch tv screens.

But above is my favourite corner in the entire house -- painstakingly created by my sis and me, that took hours, I tell you. Hours. It consists of: flowers painstakingly selected over ++rumination, Irada Sticker Art after ++anguish over which to select and regret for not sending over our own ni'al version to be customised, MWPP Marauder's Map (gifted by A and S from HP World in the US), Aroma diffuser (Tulip flavour), tiny pink wall clock with white border, Abah's old wooden shelf, the wooden "breathe" word art J gave me from one of her overseas trips, and our most current reads nicely arranged by order of height. We took so long arranging these items so that it'd look perfect -- seriously, hilarious to recall. We'd put something and then stare at it from a distance to see if it fit perfectly and then alter a miniscule bit and stare again -- repeat x 100. The time you see on the clock is in AM -- that's when we finally got done with this on malam raya. I'm surprised I could still wake up for prayers on raya morning.

I'm so happy with it now. *beams*

Some updates in life -- here they are:

* I have got myself a Kindle -- and it is one of the best things I've ever bought for myself in my entire life, really. How did I take this long to get one of these! It's amazing to have your entire library with you, in your handbag -- and it can also store PDFs, so I can read my journal articles for work and therapy. And it has dictionary functions and a cool paper-like screen surface, that can be adjusted to read in the dark. LOVE IT. This is a book lover's dream -- I thought I would miss the feel of paper, but no. No. No. It has been wonderful.

*I have started actually training others at work -- I couldn't believe it at first. Like wow. I attribute it mainly to the fact that most of my seniors are not interested in language clinics (as opposed to more medically-based clinics like feeding, swallowing and voice) so then it brings the expertise down to my level. We're also going over to mainstream primary schools to share expertise -- the career-driven part of my soul is trying not to burst from over-excitement and jubilation. But Subhanallah, I'm realising it now -- how Allah has put me in the right place despite all that inpatient nightmare. I've always wanted the mainstream school thing -- always, since back in my NUS days. Subhanallah, this is another example of how I should always trust God. Thank You, thank You, I love You.

*Match-making has entered my life in full-force. I am not even joking (okay, maybe I'm exaggerating). But -- ohmygod. What is with all this! Just -- God, I want to get out of all this crazy. Just -- let me marry someone who loves You, who loves me, and who I love. End.

*I have made some great and true friends at work -- and boy, does it make a whole load of difference. (:

The family traipsed over to Swensens at the airport for sahur (i.e. our pre-dawn meal) at 3 am this morning.

Of course, I'm blamed as the instigator who woke everyone at 2.30 am -- but didn't we have a good time! :P heeeee. I love that my family does unconventional, spontaneous things like this.




This Ramadhan overall has been lovely for me so far. It really has. I haven't been superb with the worship, but I feel like I'm concertedly working to improve some little things. It's the small but consistent increments that pave the way to greater things, right? Insya Allah.

I pray that my heart stays peaceful and trusting the rest of this month and beyond, through whatever uncertainties this world presents.

Ramadhan is zipping by -- do you feel it? Everyone keeps saying how fast it's going, and before we know it, Syawal will be here and this precious time is over.

Going through mentally and emotionally stressful situations right now. Alhamdulillah that it's Ramadhan so that it takes away some of the anxiety. Really, if only every month was like this one.

Ya Muqqalibal qulub, keep my heart firm on Your deen, and in obedience of you, and in the love of Your Prophet s.a.w.. Ya Muqqalibal qulub, incline my heart toward your decree. Let me trust wholeheartedly that You will take care of all my affairs better than I could ever imagine, Amin.



On a side note -- been attending really awesome classes on my weekends, and something that Ust. F said has been scarily ringing in my head: if you have been learning and gaining knowledge, but it does not manifest itself in real-life improvements in you -- then know that Allah is distancing himself from you. In other words, if you gain knowledge, but do nothing to apply it -- you're in deep trouble.

GASP. My sis and me looked at each other and we were like -- O.O omg SCARY KOWAI. We will strive hard, okay? Insya Allah!

It's been a while!

June 2015 shall go down as possibly one of the busiest I've ever been in my working life. As teachers start enjoying their holidays, therapists start to go nuts with the workload -- because holidays mean... extra therapy time! Ugggg. I am running group therapy almost every day, it is exhausting. On the upside, my work units (i.e. a measure of productivity -- IKR, eee, systems) are through the roof this month. It should pull my appraisal up for the next financial year.


Outside talk of work -- it is a week to Ramadhan! And I am sort of feeling panic settling in at the back of my mind because I am tired and lethargic every time I get home, and I don't want to clean -- but our house is still not clean. Specifically our bedroom is still way far from the dream room we've been planning. And I am just... tired. And not sleeping well.

ohgod, I should just sleep. Ramadhan is comingggg, terawihhhh.



But before I do (because I've taken to watching loads of John Oliver these days) -- you've got to see this; something hilarious, and maybe really should be done in Singapore too, because how can we be apathetic about politics and governance with such crazy, cutesy things representing the important things of our nation? Then I won't keep mixing up MFA, MSF and MICA all the time -- acronyms are the worst. They actually might be a real ploy to prevent us from really caring about what these ministries are doing, ahah.

ok good night! Friday is here!

Ah, I finally watched the final Rurouni Kenshin movie!

seriously.

Himura Kenshin. why you so kakkoi.

The last installment totally had some of the best fight scenes. This one with Sojiro is pretty awesome -- although, in my head, Kamiki Ryunosuke always triggers memories of Kyu from Tantei Gakuen Q, and I get nostalgic, fuzzy feelings of fangirling days instead, ahah. 

Ohmygod -- he was so small last time, and look at him now.

I really wonder if it's my dad's influence that got me and my sis being able to appreciate action movies this much. Beautiful fight scenes are beautiful. And for me, sword fights are the most awesome. I've just got this thing about swords -- don't know when it started.
Was it from... Lymond? Draco Trilogy? Hard to say.

This is timely -- 

I was just thinking yesterday, it's true,

how we really see things as we are, not as they are. 

(A line I think is credited to Anais Nin?)

God, help me see things as they are. 

As much as it would benefit me.

I'm addicted to this super-catchy song!

Running Man leads me to this, can you believe it.

All it takes is for you to be really into just one thing in any culture,

then sooner or later you get sucked right in.

I credit my knowing loads of things in k-world just from Running Man.

Sohibul Isra', ya Nabina

Sohibul Mi'raj, ya Nabina

Wa ja'alna ma'aka, ya Nabina, ya Nabina

Dunya wa Ukhra, ya Nabina.

(:

The reason I bought into the whole charm bracelet fad 

(not knowing how wildly popular it is, really) -- 

was so that I could have little meaningful gems like this.

Apple of wisdom from my friends.

And lapis lazuli on the extreme right -- wonderfully gotten by my sister and mum.

What ties the fool to his body? somebody said.

A promise.

I shall send gems of lapis lazuli: I shall make her fields into vineyards, and the field of her love into orchards.

Philippa.

-- Checkmate, The Lymond Chronicles

I talk about missing JE, Pi-chan, NEWS.

But Arashi, you are just something else.

Arashi, you amazing special thing.

At this point, it's like, if you don't know Arashi 

-- your loss, your loss.

---

One of my father's friends/teachers commented and implied, more or less, that perhaps the reason I wasn't married was cause I wasn't thin enough. (Not that I recall, honestly, having met him anywhere within the vicinity of the last five years, for him to have made a fair judgement.) The sad and infuriating thing about this is the fact that it was an honest piece of advice. So okay, since it was a sincere gesture, I shall take it. I am always aware that I should definitely weigh less than I currently do.

But isn't it disappointing? That what would compel a man to marry appears to be skin deep? Why do some men say such things without thinking about how it reflects on them? So I make myself so slim and drop dead gorgeous, and then I get married.. and I live the rest of my life knowing that my physical appearance was the factor that clinched me my husband? That's terrifying.

What this idealistic heart of mine would like to do is, sure, make myself physically slim and beautiful, for a man who would marry me even if I were a... big blob of slime, say. What is that I hear? Is that you calling me an idealist? Well, I did say I was one, didn't I?

The great thing about this whole thing is that I realise it elicited in me only a mild hurt and annoyance. And fairly brief too, to top it off. (I think I am maturing, and growing up, yay! Well, I have turned a year older, haven't I?) I believe that the reason I am still not married, lies not solely in the fact that yes, maybe I'm not thin enough (or tall enough or pretty enough), but rather a result of the confluence of the following factors (or more): (i) lack of physical allure (sure, let's get that out of the way, shall we) (ii) not having guy friends + history of knowing only how to befriend girls in a girls' school (iii) not having enough Malay/Muslim friends (iv) being quite the introvert therefore not placing myself in social situations (v) lacking general social communication skills and not actively seeking out prospects (makes me wonder half the time if I should do therapy on myself) (vi) being interested in strange / weird / obscure things and thence being hard/too weird to relate to (vii) being too intense / serious / (pseudo-)philosophical at times and scaring people off (viii) being supposedly too smart -- whatever the heck that means; trust me, I feel stupid at work every day; unbelievably, it has been outrightly commented on more than once by guys, how my being smart is a problem (one of my friends tried to set me up and the guy said, "Oh no, she's smart?" -- jokingly, but still) (ix) God wants me to learn something by being single (x) I'm a unique snowflake and God's keeping my matching unique snowflake partner somewhere in this world until the time is right.

Wow, that's a lot of reasons. But being the idealist that I am, and though I concede reasons one through nine and shall try my bestest to improve -- this heart is banking on reason number ten. The good thing about being idealistic is that usually, it comes with being the kind of person who can keep faith pretty well. Hence, thus far, I have found a way to function and not be bogged down by negative talk and vibes from people. And also, even if things don't turn out favourably and I struggle with this for a long time -- it's a small struggle compared to what women around the world and in history have had to deal with.

Women struggle with a lot of things: (i) neglectful husbands (ii) being second/third/fourth wives (apparently very common thing in some Arab places) (iii) being pressured to have kids when they're not ready / struggle to but can't (iv) being labeled or perceived as stupid / ambitionless just cause they're homemakers (v) being labeled heartless / cold / lack femininity / too ambitious if they focus on career -- we all have struggles, right, men and women alike. Waiting for my Mr. Snowflake doesn't seem anywhere near the biggest of these struggles. Come on, S. And this is why, I always pray, God, make me bigger than myself (and my silly little worries).

So. To bring this crazy rambling to a close -- I'm glad that people jibing at my personal situation does not affect me so deeply. insya Allah, what I need in this world will be provided for.

long weekends should be forever

Happy Labour Day! And hooray for the long weekend.

It's also my birthday weekend so I'm looking forward to celebrations, hee. (: Though I've already gotten lovely wishes, and presents.

It's a happy time, Alhamdulillah.

God, keep me grateful for every day.

I have more words, but let's save them for another proper blog post.
A good one is long due.

---

This! is so super nostalgic to me right now. 

I think I used to know the lyrics of this song by heart! 

Gosh, I've forgotten how well Tego can sing -- 

and I have missed NEWS. JE. Yamapi.
(yes, in accordance, I have restarted shipping yamaki -- true love never dies, right.)

What is love?

It's you.

It's been a while!

Lots happening -- including the fact that I have been somewhat homeless for the past week, due to our home being turned upside down for renovation purposes. The family is scattered, and I'm currently bunking at my aunt's place and adhering to stricter house rules than I'm used to, like having to switch off the wifi when we're done. Our wifi at home runs 24/7 non-stop, seeing as how no one knows what a decent hour of sleep is supposed to be.



Anyways, been meaning to blog for days -- of the many things that's worth mentioning, there's this blog that I have taken to devouring, thanks to my brother's random link the other day: The Burning Blogger of Bedlam. It's basically an excellently-written blog that compiles tidbits of news from the world-over, and presents them in a clear and rational narrative, that makes perfect sense. It is both amazing and horrifying -- amazing in the sense of ohmygod, the amount of independent journalism that's out there that we don't know about because it is not publicised in mainstream media (and this blogger is only one of many, and I've yet to slowly discover them all), and horrifying because the picture that is clearly painted is not an encouraging picture of the state of the world. The amount of evil that exists, it's seriously scary. The writer always offers balanced statements and views, and is measured in his words and presentation; at the same time, it isn't dry, but engaging -- and I credit this to his obvious love of pop culture (i.e. films, music, and comics/literature), and apparently he does make a living as an author of some sort.

The thing is, all the news information is out there -- as evinced by the jagazillion links he makes reference to. But because most of us don't have the time to dig them up, much less piece them together so that they make sense, we don't see the big picture. We're utterly blur and so busy with being made to slog for the system (which, don't you see people? it's part of the plan!), we're happy to swallow the stories that are sold on mainstream media. But see, mainstream media is often lying. And I really don't think it's being extreme or controversial anymore to say that. Mainstream media is often lying.

I'm so glad it doesn't take a Muslim to see how much hypocrisy and blatant lying there is out there. It's far too obvious, even if you exert the littlest mental effort.

You know, for the millionth time in my life, I don't get it. It must be a sin or something to be an idealist.

Being idealistic is fundamentally for the young and to be proven wrong?

J and I are in Melaka!



Life has been chaotic in Singapore, but not in a bad way. The past few weeks felt like a marathon, both at work and at home. Finishing projects, clinic trainings, and the cleaning up at home in prep for some renovation. And the ongoing Hanen parent workshops that take up my weekends.

Finally getting some stillness and quiet away from normal life now, chilling in a poofy, comfy bed, waiting for J to get up so we can go for breakfast. I need these moments so that I don't feel like life is passing me by.

“Depict your sorrows and desires, your passing thoughts and beliefs in some kind of beauty—depict all that with heartfelt, quiet, humble sincerity; and use to express yourself the things that surround you, the images of your dreams and the objects of your memory. If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself, tell yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches; for to the creator there is no poverty and no poor or unimportant place.”

-- Rilke

Watched the latest movie adaptation of Romeo and Juliet with my sis, and really liked it! It's just so beautifully done. The setting! The clothes! Romeo! Haha. And sigh, the language.

I have missed beautiful language. Makes me want to pick up a random Shakespeare text (or worse, re-read some part of Lymond for the umpteenth time).

This has some of the most beautiful sap ever in literature.

And no matter that we knew the ending,

we still screamed when Romeo stupidly drank the poison.

I mean, seriously. Annoyed me to the bone, the pair of them.

for true education

Put here for keeps:

notes

- We should be creating happy, motivated, creative human beings. -- This should be one of the major goals of education. I feel like most local kids don't have a single one of these three attributes. At least not the ones I encounter.

- Constant monitoring in schools -- how is this a good thing?

- Grading is useful for large classrooms so the teacher knows where a child is on the spectrum of learning, but it has become a label instead, with detrimental effects on confidence and actual performance. One-on-one teaching does not require grading systems. Alternatives to grading system: Pass/Fail (i.e. whether you got the topic/subject or not and move on, or you keep doing it until you get it, or... decide it's not worth pursuing and move on?)

- Expect children to be the best, and they will surprise you. Think well of others (of children), and they will respond in kind.

- Each person has different awakenings: spiritual, intellectual, physical awakenings -- so if a person finds it hard to get something at one point in time, they haven't gotten their awakening yet?

- Education is meaningless if divorced from the sacred.

- The socioeconomic class issue in relation to education -- so many issues. It's making me think of that time I was in California, Palo Alto, and learning about the multicultural environment there, and how some African-American communities insist in having exclusive African-American schools. In a school where they are not labeled as poor students based on the colour of their skin (consciously or not, explicitly or not), children do a lot better at school. They learn better. Also, being immersed in their own culture, as opposed to the mainstream white culture, helps them learn better as well -- because the learning matter pertains to them! We always underestimate subtle factors like this.

- The Flynn effect

- How are we defining success? What are we chasing, what are we making our children chase?

- Let children explore what they're naturally inclined to do, they will excel. Happiness is when one is allowed to flourish in what one is good at doing.

- When the food comes, put away the books. Be with the food. Why are we multi-tasking so much! Be present. We should get back to doing things well, one at a time. Multi-tasking is detrimental.

- Two people live in wonder: children and philosophers. -- Shaykh Abdullah Bin Bayyah

- Boredom is important for creativity. We need down-time.

- St Thomas Aquinas: Every culture needs the people who do nothing but contemplate. We need them. They are the Socrates-es of our time.

- Why are you so afraid of losing your job? Make one! Employment used to be only one part of life.

- Also, I'm currently running Hanen parent workshops, and it's making me think about the 4P teaching process we use to teach adults, i.e. Prepare, Present, Practice and Personalize

Prepare = an experience that relates to the reason why learning something is useful or important
I feel like this is integral to create motivation for learning anything! Shouldn't we do this more with kids as well? A "prepare" strategy may show how a problem exists in the world, and therefore the need to address the problem. E.g. The world is polluted, and it creates a lot of health problems -- shouldn't we therefore learn about pollution and how it comes about? Of course, the trick as teachers is to "Prepare" in an impactful way.

Present = the transfer of information from a knowledge source to students
This is generally what most of us understand as teaching, or education. But even in the Hanen workshop, it says that we should spend only 20% of our learning time on this! And it is the simplest part of the whole learning process -- I'm thinking that if you were to tutor anyone, what's important is that, you "prepare" them for the content. After which, for the "present" portion, you could virtually leave it to the individual to find the knowledge source i.e. read up, research -- goodness, isn't this PBL? It was exactly what we did in my SLP course, which explains why I loved it so much and I feel it worked so well. And why not try it out for children or young adults? Let them build their thirst for knowledge! I feel like my time in RG had some elements of this, actually, and I pride on the fact that most of us we were essentially independent learners. If anyone asks me of my time in RG, I often say, we had relatively mediocre teachers (maybe an exceptional few inspiring ones), but we were essentially studying by ourselves. We mugged ourselves and we mugged well. The Present portion is the one that needs the least skill to execute.

Practice = applying what was learnt in the Present portion
This is where the teacher really comes in. This is the time when an individual's skills and knowledge are polished and refined, with help from feedback from the teacher. And mistakes are allowed; no, mistakes are necessary. I feel that this portion, which should make up the bulk of learning, hardly happens at all! D: Because, ultimately, this requires a lot of customized attention and feedback. It requires a one-on-one format, or at least a small group one -- and what teacher in our school system gives that? Sometimes, our really poor students will get it, cause they are so poor, we start paying attention. But what about the average kids and the potential-for-greatness kids? They don't get to polish their skills, when they should be able to! They don't get specific feedback. And mistakes aren't encouraged, they are frowned upon -- when it is necessary for learning.

I feel like I have had such poor or minimal experience of a true "practice" portion in learning, and it explains why training for my clinics in my adulthood is such a horror. I've always been an A student, did relatively well at everything -- I have had zero experience of anyone truly giving me tips to do better at what I was already okay at doing. I have never had tuition ever, either. The fear of failure is something I'm always still learning to overcome, I think.

Personalize = independently applying into real-life
This portion sort of circles back to the "Prepare" portion, and links the learning matter back to meaning and real-life. The teacher's role is to facilitate and assist the student, who at this stage should be quite enthused, in putting their skills out there in the world for a greater purpose. This is probably the most exciting part of being a teacher -- you realise that you had a little part to play in making something dynamic and awesome happen in the world.

Found some practical tips on how to learn language 

(I've recently revived my drive to get through Harry Potter in Arabic!):

-- and realised that, basically, all he suggested were speech language therapy techniques! 

hello. my profession is cool, if I can say so myself.

you don't need language parents. 

the best option is a speech language therapist 

to carry out language stimulation in a foreign language.

man, is this planting ideas in my head or what.

The next day, we ran into Narnie in the driveway. "Hey Jake, how's the pi?" she asked.

"Good. I haven't memorized anymore, though. Mom says it's a waste of time."

I had, because it was. Jake could keep going and going until the end of time -- but why? The synesthetic autistic savant Daniel Tammet memorized pi out to fifty thousand digits and recited it to raise money for an autism charity, which was a wonderful thing. (Ultimately, the recitation took him more than 5 hours. He used chocolate to get through it. That, at least, I could relate to.) But even Daniel Tammet talked more in his book about the challenges of managing his social anxiety and the physical difficulties of the recitation than any particular intellectual challenge.

Narnie came right back at Jake, with the world's most innocent look. "What?" she said. "No, silly. I was talking about cherry pie."

Jake cracked up, shaking his head as he got into the car. There's no chance of him getting a fat head as long as Narnie's around.

I laughed, too, but something was nagging at me. Halfway down to the university, I looked at Jake in the backseat in my rearview mirror. He was playing Angry Birds on his iPad.

"Hey, Jake," I said. "Why did you stop memorizing pi at forty digits?"

"I didn't stop at forty. I stopped at two hundred."

"But before. Why did you stop at forty?"

"It was forty including the three. Thirty-nine decimal digits, actually."

"Okay, but why did you stop there?"

"Because with thirty-nine decimal places, you can estimate the circumference of the observable universe down to a hydrogen atom. I figured that was all I'd ever really need."

-- The Spark, A Mother's Story of Nurturing, Genius and Autism 

O.O Reading about genius is mindblowing.

it's been a wonderfully busy break

How do we achieve sustainable development?

'Ilmu with akhlak.
'Amal with ikhlas.

---

this! is awesome.

passion is your greatest love.

great friend, great spouse,
great parent, great career.

Are they not one package?
How can you be one without the other?

This came along with my exploration of my current non-fiction read: The Spark, a story of a boy diagnosed with moderate-severe autism at 2 years, but whose Mother pulled him out of special ed so that he could continue learning in his own way. And now this boy is a 14-year-old Masters student and an apparent genius in physics and astronomy. This is phenomenal and makes me want to do probably-unacceptable things in my therapy sessions!

and here is Jacob Barnett -- he still has some brushing up to do with respect to his social skills (adorable boy), but if he's truly autistic, this is amazing. Amazing, amazing, amazing.

The basic message is this: that if we only allow ourselves to pursue our natural inclinations and passions, we will be capable of doing great things. 

Motivation is key.

And love really makes the world go round.

My mind has been sufficiently blown as I contemplate my thoughts in recent days.

I wonder if life is actually about discovering the truth of the platitudes we hear.

---

 on the k-drama front -- Healer is finished! I have so much love for it -- my drama love-list has been thoroughly scrambled, thank you. I need some time before I can decide what's at the top now. I'm actually spending the last night of this CNY break listening to a Healer-related podcast -- what the heck, I ask you. Didn't I use to do this with JE? What is happening! guh.

How do I summarise what I love about Healer -- god. I think dramabeans said it best: it's like a drama for drama-watchers. Like, you've watched a gazillion dramas and you think you know how this is going to go but, but, but! It surprises you! In such unexpectedly, wonderful ways! It made me wide-eyed with giddiness -- there were bits that made me go, For real?? Is this for real? Did that just happen in this drama -- they are not going to agonize over this plot point??? I felt like it brought k-drama to amazing, unchartered frontiers.

I think my favorite thing about Healer is that it never actually goes where I’m afraid it’s going to go. Jung-hoo has had plenty of opportunities to go full noble idiot on us, but he never takes the leap. Similarly, Young-shin has had numerous chances to believe the worst of Jung-hoo, but she never does. Past dramas have taught me to expect misunderstandings at every possible turn, but they never seem to come to fruition in Healer.

And yes, fantastic chemistry all round; not just between our leads! LOVE the whole team, seriously. 

Currently struggling through another new clinic at work, dealing with kids with sensory issues:

Also, I've been hit by another idea for a future venture -- and feeling super-excited, hehe. It trumps all the previous talks I've had with friends regarding opening of schools/bookstores/mobile speech therapy clinics with strict 3-day work-week/cafes/Muslim-casket-companies. I will probably regale S with it first when I see her this coming week.

I have too many ideas and not enough discipline.

If we consider men and women generally, and apart from the professions or occupations, there is only one situation I can think of in which they almost pull themselves up by their bootstraps, making an effort to read better than they usually do. When they are in love and are reading a love letter, they read between the lines and in the margins; they read the whole in terms of the parts, and each part in terms of the whole; they grow sensitive to context and ambiguity, to insinuation and implication; they perceive the colour of words, the odour of phrases, and the weight of sentences. They may even take the punctuation into account. Then, if never before or after, they read.

-- Mortimer Adler, How to Read a Book

Completely random this wee hour of the morning,

but this is such a beautiful cover of Taeyang's Eyes Nose Lips,

I couldn't not keep it.

I am totally sucked into k-fandom these days, I know.

Still so totally in love with this drama and this pairing!

And here paired with the super-addictive Maroon 5 song, Sugar:

If I was younger, this would have totally gone into my top 10 OTP list. But now that I'm far too grown (I do not want to say old), life does not allow me to dwell. Daylight hours steal my brain.

As a whole -- this show is doing superbly. At the start, I did feel lukewarm about it -- like, eh, it's compelling enough but the main plot was too convoluted to hook me in properly. This turned out well in the end though, because its slow unraveling is what's keeping audiences riveted now. It's so frakking exciting, I almost squealed on the bus home while watching today.

And the pairing! GOSH. I have harped on enough, but this is like the most functional hero-OTP pairing I've come across. They are so functional and workable and amazing, despite how screwed up their individual situations are -- you know how typical hero characters rarely ever get together, not until the very end? Because either the hero or both the girl and the hero have terrible issues to work out? Well, this pairing works them out. Waaay early. And it's so satisfying. So instead of getting the whole, extended pain-melodrama, how each is bad for the other, we get to see these two confront each other instead, and cry and say amazing, tear-jerking things -- and then they decide to be together. AND IT IS AWESOME. Because on top of everything, girl is helping hero with the missions, and their working together is super duper fun to watch. (KBS drama does not allow embedding of the episode clips, eesh. I wish I could keep them here.)

Healer: Okay, run!

Young Shin.: Okay -- wait, where?

Healer: *almost does a headdesk* Where you were heading!

Young Shin: Oh, right. *dashes off*

Ohmygod, seriously, so cute.

I may blog about real life the next time round -- hahh. 

Currently watching the k-drama, Healer -- and it's my typical hero archetye plot!

It stars Park Min Young, who's had a wonderful track record with her male co-stars for having great chemistry. (I mean, she made it work even with Lee Min Ho, who for all his super K-stardom, I feel lacks chemistry with most actresses). But this -- with Ji Chang-wook -- takes the cake. 

They're great together! They can be both funny and intense -- and makes this hero show a joy to watch after long workdays like the one I just had.

Much to talk about... but the night is short.

First post of 2015 --

I should have lots to say! I do. Back from my travels and all, and starting the third year of work. But where to start.

• After wondering for years in school which is more important: what you do or who you do it with -- 2 years of work has me deciding that it totally is who you do it with. For me at least. The worst type of work can be bearable with awesome company, and the best kind of work can be torture with horrid people around. Maybe it's because we're social creatures -- that for you to feel good after a day's work, all it needs sometimes is knowing you have amazing persons supporting you; knowing that you're not alone in your work. Perhaps it extends to life in general -- the road we're on will always be more bearable when there are others around, or when there's that one special companion, regardless of how crazy the road can get.
• Mawlid in Egypt -- meeting so many amazing persons who love Nabi s.a.w., from all over, and also, a total test of my Arabic skills!!! ohmygod. At one point, I was thrown alone into a group of ladies with not a shred of English, much less Malay, and it was, haha, hilarious, to recall. But I am sorta proud of myself because it was not completely hopeless. :P I could understand the ones from Saudi best because they used Modern Standard Arabic and weren't speaking dialect versions which completely befuddled me. There was one point however when I kept wanting to ask, "Where are you guys staying here?", so I literally asked, "في اين تسكن؟", and they kept saying, "Saudi, but we're from Yemen." And I was like, Yes, I know that, but where are you guys staying while you're here? And they kept repeating, We stay in Saudi, thinking I didn't understand them earlier. And after a while I kinda just gave up and wanted to headdesk, only to realise later that "تسكن" really means where you're like permanently staying. I should have used "تقيم" instead. I mean, seriously, the subtleties in meaning -- who knew. Not us while we're in class.
• We had a Syrian lady with her three kids living across from our Asian quarter -- GORGEOUS. Hello, Syrian people are just seriously gorgeous. She had two adorable boys that ohmygod, I think I seriously miss. They were 2 and 4 years old (just the typical ages of the kids I see everyday) and so cute. I wish they were still around for me to hug. And again, of course, I had to speak in Arabic with them! >.< And I would go, "هذا؟، هذا؟" as I pointed to things so I could figure out what the older brother, Taj, was saying. And still, we played this Monster app together on my iPhone, and he named the different foods he fed the Monster -- "!جبن", Cheese! "!بصل", Onion! Haha it was so adorable, man. I was totally learning Arabic from him. He still refused to let me sleep when it was like 1 am, and we were going to leave at 3 am (in the freezing cold, may I add) . He went under the covers with me (I was bunking on the sofa in the living area) and stayed stuck to my phone while I started building a headache from lack of sleep. Barely kissed him goodbye when we left.         

 

Even if I ever see the two of you again, you'll be big and won't be in the ladies' quarter anymore! Meh. Gosh, this would be a great opportunity for some Makcik to cut in 

and tell me to go get married and make my own boys. 

But... will the boys I have ever be this cute! And speak Arabic so adorably some more.

More awesome moments to share -- but another night!