I have succumbed!

The new year approaching, which means a new beginning! With new and renewed hopes. Let my steps be guided.

---

This is so beautiful!

My voluble heart speaks with a tongue too sublime for interpretation. It mentions you unremittingly.

from this tumblr

---

Trying to get our research proposal approved by ethics boards is a nightmare - the red tape, seriously! This really puts me off working in any sort of research capacity within the field in my future career. Taking care of nitty gritty matter is not my strength and gets me irritated very quickly; I don't know how people in HR and administration deal with this stuff all the time. Ish, paperwork, why are you such a thorn in my side! 

If you truly want God, you want what He wants. And if you love something, you make much remembrance of it. 

Amen.

Maybe it's just lag time, so patience is the way.

At a moment’s notice you need a moment’s notice because something has changed. God allows us to see what is there after what had been there. We see the smile perhaps, but not the budding smile, and if that smile only buds and then quickly returns to its place of safety we may not see it at all. We see only some scenes in a play of reactions to our words or our pleas or our gestures. Light needs an object to shine on, so it's a shame if the light's not right, you may have missed something to the darkness. Better to not be too sad when someone doesn’t seem to respond exactly how we hope, just imagine something budding in the lag time.

from here.

Why is December always a pile-up of everybody's birthdays together! I think I'll go bankrupt with presents. Not to mention also holiday costs, yikes.

Been working on my granny's big birthday bash photo montage, and I also got a spanking new camera! (The real reason I'm going bankrupt, right, haha.)

Got the Canon Powershot G12 (which I'm sure is pretty common among consumers; I'm quite sure Marli has this same one). I personally think it's awesome because it's the perfect combination of lazy and pro, heheh. There are convenient knobs for one to tinker around with the shutter, aperture and exposure etc (knowledge I should try to brush up on and finally put to real use) but is not a real DSLR because the lens are fixed and not changeable. So you know, I can try to be a pro with my photos without having to deal with the clunkiness and confusing hardware of a DSLR. I don't see myself lugging around big cameras and lenses; I'm just not that disciplined enough. Think I might go borrow a photog book to read up a little, and refresh my old photog juices, if I had any.

---

When one does this video/photo editing stuff, songs get stuck real easy.

I can't smile without you,
Can't smile without you,
Can't laugh, and I can't sing,
I'm finding it hard to do anything.
You know I feel sad when you're sad,
Feel glad when you're glad,
If you only knew, what I'm going through,
I just can't smile without you...

In that case, stay out of love? Not that one has a choice about it, right?

it's all, uh, whoops!

Umar, while we were playing Kalimat (Salman's Muslim version of Taboo): We all fall in...?

The rest of us: Hah???

Love.

Which earned him lots of teasing after that, hahaha.

December holidays!

But I have so many things going on, and despite a small social circle, so many people to meet up with, that for certain, this month will fly by like nobody's business, and then 2012 will roll around. The horror of another year passing by, haha. But I was chatting with Mini the other day, and looking back on 2011, I think quite a bit has changed. For one thing, I'm halfway to becoming a proper speech language therapist! Insya Allah.

I have caught up a bit with the movie and tv watching, and right now, this:

Watashi ga Renai Dekinai Riyuu (The reason I can't find my love)

What is this scarily realistic movie about single ladies! It reminds me of Freeter, Ie wo Kau!, Nino's drama earlier this year, which was so realistic with regard to unemployment in young adults today. And now this -- of course, I can relate, haha. It's enjoyable and fun and explores lots into the complexities of the lives of young modern women. A bunch of single ladies decide to room together, figuring it would be advantageous in many ways, and end up trashing out about love and helping each other out with single-dom. I'm liking it so far, although some truths will be thrown out that stab me painfully in the heart, ahakz.

A silly notion (from the drama) about calculating the "time" of your life on a 24-hour clock: just take your age and divide it by 3. It's 8AM for me; morning still. Ohayou, life! Ganbarimasu.

Wah, awesome summary on the subject matter of calling on the Prophet. :)



I remember when I was at Irsyad last year, I overheard a couple of teachers arguing about how ridiculous it was that people thought they were addressing the Prophet in prayer. But it's true what! "Assalamualaika, ayuhan Nabi...", with the littlest Arabic knowledge, obviously shows you addressing him. And you can't address someone's who's dead, can you? I don't recall what they had a contention with specifically, but I remember feeling sad at that point.

Meikyuu Love Song!



Started watching Sho's Nazotoki wa Dinner no Ato de, and finally listened to this song and its meaning, and I love it. Arashi's songs are always kinda like that; they're not usually awesome at first listen, but after some time, when I bother to look up the pv and the lyrics, I realise the meaning is so sweet. <3

Haha! But see, if life wasn't confusing and a struggle, it wouldn't be worth it. We'd just be bored, maybe.

Sorry lah, I shy! :\

I want to watch this! Been looking around for it for some time now. It's about the famous lady scientist with Asperger's called Temple Grandin, who made her place in the world, despite being put down all her life because of her condition.

Claire Danes's acting looks amazing here. In this clip she tries to explain to parents why ASD kids love to roll around or repeatedly engage in mechanical motions. I think this movie will make me cry buckets, judging from this single clip.

Trying a new look for my blog! Something a bit brighter. And the photo was taken last year from Isle of Skye, Scotland; it totally looks like one of those places where Highlander would stick his sword into the ground and stare off into the distance.

haha! I remember when they had Highlander on tv.

On other things: semester wrapping to a close soon, once oral vivas are done and case presentations too. :s This has been one of the longest and most tiring uni semesters I've ever had. Or maybe I forgot how crazy it was when I was rushing FYP. Don't know anymore; memory is hazy. 

I was going to be a little emo here, but then... usually, I look back on emo posts and cringe. Some nights, heart feels extra heavy. 

Why am I such a girl, eee! -.- ok, goodnight.

People love feeling special but they don't love that much being different. It's strange. When actually, it's one and the same, no? Emerson said, "How wonderful, and how painful, to be an exception."

Two more weeks! Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

This is interesting stuff! It reminds me of a quote I posted not long ago:


If you cannot make distinction between what is beautiful and what is not, then you are missing an instrument of the self. 



You know that feeling that you get when you see beauty? The real kind that kind of awes you deep inside. And you don't know why you think it's beautiful; it just is. There is a connection between beauty and the sacred, quite clearly. And what this documentary is saying is that modern art seems to have lost this idea.

Very true, from what little I know of modern art. I am reminded of the time me and Eunice wandered around the Museum of Modern Art in San Francisco and we were alternately scoffing and laughing our asses off at what was passing off as art. I remember an exhibit consisting of a single long fluorescent bulb on a wall, and Eunice standing next to it with an incredulous face, mouth hanging open in disgust. Haha, we were like, "How on earth are these random ugly stuff considered art?!?!?!"

Yes, friend, I hear you. This is me and I know this excuse is getting old, haha. I was just vowing to make a list of personal goals for next placement and on the top is: To be efficient.

I think I need tips from my genius friend, Duck.

Hearts incline to those who do good to them.

"Rasulullah is the chlorophyll of our souls."

- Hamza Yusuf

This analogy is too cute!

I believe there is a natural gravitation to certain things. You spend your life wandering and then you realise you keep coming back to the same things. That maybe, this is proof that things have been written since the beginning. It's that feeling... deep down, in perhaps a subconscious manner, you know what and how things should be. It's either you want to face it or ignore it. It's that pull that tugs at your heart and brings you places.

I know how airy-fairy I sound at times... but. How else can I explain it, I don't know. And sometimes, maybe even words are too cheap to give life to grand things.

---



<3 Not many people in this world today I look up to like this.

Had a great day! Did several things right and I think I pleased my CE because I did up my own personal format for OME (i.e. oromotor exam), incorporating bits from everywhere. And as I was working on one of my adorable 8 kiddies (one of my faves! he vocalizes cutely at everything), and finally feeling like I'm in my element on the 5th try with the OME, my CE peeked in and gave a somewhat-approving look and smile. And after that we had a good discussion and I was the last to leave the office! Record, yo. Nice accomplished feeling after being all fail on Monday.

Anyway, tonight I ended up watching Daniel Radcliffe on Inside the Actor's Studio -- and he says he has a mild form of dyspraxia! Interesting... This explains a little; I always thought he was a bit awkward with his limbs and is a bit ungainly in his walk. And am I imagining it if I say that he has strange but subtle groping actions with his mouth and face in general? Haha. It might just be me being way off after a day cracking my head about apraxia versus articulation and phonology issues.

Aside from not being entirely the amazing Harry in my head, I think Radcliffe isn't too bad.



---

Walked home to this song, feeling happy, thankful and hopeful.



Looking up at the midnight sky not knowing
Shivering Swaying to the nightmare of not knowing
Other than that I don't know what to do
Can't fall asleep because of this anxiety
Calling faintly to you
Everyday crying good bye tears
Your heart and soul is in it, feel it
Make tomorrow different from yesterday
Make a brighter day

Weekend, where have you gone! D: I barely rested.

Today, I thought of Atticus Finch from To Kill A Mockingbird. Scout asked him why he was defending a black man against the wishes of the town, and he simply said, "You have to live with yourself, before you live with anyone else."

I pray that I don't become someone I dislike.

On something else lovely:

‘Aisha raḍyAllāhu ‘anha and the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam would use code language with each other denoting their love. She asked the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam how he would describe his love for her. The Prophet Muhammad answered, saying: “Like a strong binding knot.” The more you tug, the stronger it gets, in other words.

Every so often ‘Aisha would playfully ask, “How is the knot?” The Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam would answer, “As strong as the first day (you asked).”

<3

I can dream, no?

I didn't know until the past sunday that "Wa man takun bi Rasulillahi nusratuhu..." which we always read is from the famous Qasidah Burdah.

And these days, when I rush in between assessment sessions to a corner of the staff hub, where a little prayer corner had been erected, I keep remembering the story of Rasulullah s.a.w. calling Bilal to make the azan: "Arihna, Ya Bilal."

Isn't it amazing. Give us our respite, Ya Bilal. That's what it means. And when your life starts becoming a  hectic blur of events and chasing paper, it only becomes clearer that of course, prayer time is rest time, away from worries of the world; so that for a little moment everything is fine and beautiful and clear and simple, because there's only pleasing God and nothing else. And it's also when you're hit by moments of emotional turmoil wrought by illusions of the dunya, that you also think, Arihni. Take me away from this for a little while; prayer is a gift and escape.

Earlier today, we discussed about the four elements of a human being i.e. body, mind, soul and nafs. And that each of these bits of ourselves have to be fulfilled and developed. Completeness and wholeness requires giving appropriate time and attention to each. The day you create an imbalance, you're sure to feel the horrid after-effects the next day: depression, listlessness or perhaps a short fuse. To feel ease, one has to return that balance.

Too true, this. I need to create stricter discipline in my daily life.

Also, I was thinking: maybe true love is when you find more and more reasons to love. It's something that grows and never diminishes; like even if you had all the time in the world, you could not possibly fully discover all the reasons why your heart should be invested here and not anywhere else. Maybe that's why you're supposed to just know.

I need to remember this, and learn. It's not something entirely new; but there are just some things, you thought you thought about, but then you realise you didn't, not really.

When people first learn to use a keyboard, they improve very quickly from sloppy single-finger pecking to careful two-handed typing until eventually the fingers move so effortlessly across the keys that the whole process becomes unconscious and the fingers seem to take on a mind of their own. At this point, most  people's typing skills stop progressing. They reach a plateau. If you think about it, it's a strange phenomenon. After all, we've always been told that practice makes perfect, and many people sit behind a keyboard for at least several hours a day in essence practicing their typing. Why don't they just keep getting better and better?

In the 1960s, the psychologists Paul Fitts and Michael Posner attempted to answer this question by describing the three stages that anyone goes through when acquiring a new skill. During the first phase, known as the "cognitive stage", you're intellectualizing the task and discovering new strategies to accomplish it more proficiently. During the second "associative stage:", you're concentrating less, making fewer major errors, and generally becoming more efficient. Finally you reach what Fitts called the "autonomous stage", when you figure that you've gotten as good as you need to get at the task and you're basically running on autopilot. During that autonomous stage, you lose conscious control over what you're doing. Most of the time, that's a good thing. Your mind has one less thing to worry about. In fact, the autonomous stage seems to be one of those handy features that evolution worked out for our benefit. The less you have to focus on the repetitive tasks of everyday life, the more you can concentrate on the stuff that really matters, the stuff that you haven't seen before. And so, once we're just good enough at typing, we move it to the back of our mind's filing cabinet and stop paying it any attention. You can actually see this shift take place in fMRI scans of people learning new skills. As a task becomes automated, the parts of the brain involved in conscious reasoning becomes less active and other parts of the brain take over. You could call it the "OK plateau", the point at which you decide you're OK with how good you are at something, turn on autopilot, and stop improving.

We all reach OK plateaus in most things we do. We learn how to drive when we're on our teens and then once we're good enough to avoid tickets and major accidents, we get only incrementally better. My father has been playing golf for forty years, and he's still - though it will hurt him to read this - a duffer. In four decades, his handicap hasn't fallen even a point. How come? He reached an OK plateau.

Psychologists used to think that OK plateaus marked the upper bounds of innate ability. In his 1869 book Hereditary Genius, Sir Francis Galton argued that a person could only improve at physical and mental activities up until he reached a certain wall, which "he cannot by education or exertion overpass". According to this view, the best we can do is simply the best we can do.

But Ericsson and his fellow expert performance psychologists have found over and over again that with the right kind of concerted effort, that's rarely the case. They believe that Galton's wall often has much less to do with our innate limits than simply with what we consider an acceptable level of performance.

What separates experts from the rest of us is that they tend to engage in a very directed, highly focused routine, which Ericsson has labeled "deliberate practice". Having studied the best of the best in many different fields, he has found that top achievers tend to follow the same general pattern of development. They develop strategies for consciously keeping out of the autonomous stage while they practice by doing three things: focusing on their technique, staying goal-oriented, and getting constant and immediate feedback on their performance. In other words, they force themselves to stay in the "cognitive phase".

Amateur musicians, for example, are more likely to spend their practice time playing music, whereas pros are more likely to work through tedious exercises or focus on specific, difficult parts of pieces. The best ice skaters spend more of their practice time trying jumps that they land less often, while lesser skaters work more on jumps they've already mastered. Deliberate practice, by its nature, must be hard.

When you want to get good at something, how you spend your time practicing is far more important than the amount of time you spend. In fact, in every domain of expertise that's been rigorously examined, from chess to violin to basketball, studies have found that the number of years one has been doing something correlates only weakly with level of performance. My dad may consider putting into a tin cup in his basement a good form of practice, but unless he's consciously challenging himself and monitoring his performance - reviewing, responding, rethinking, rejiggering - it's never going to make him appreciably better. Regular practice simply isn't enough. To improve, we must watch ourselves fail, and learn from our mistakes.

The best way to get out of the autonomous stage and off the OK plateau, Ericsson has found, is to actually practice failing. One way to do that is to put yourself in the mind of someone far more competent at the task you're trying to master, and try to figure out how that person works through problems. Benjamin Franklin was apparently an early practitioner of this technique. In his autobiography, he describes how he used to read essays by the great thinkers and try to reconstruct the author's arguments according to Franklin's own logic. He'd then open up the essay and compare his reconstruction to the original words to see how his own chain of thinking stacked up against the master's. The best chess players follow a similar strategy. They will often spend several hours a day replaying the games of grand masters one move at a time, trying to understand the expert's thinking at each step. Indeed, the single best predictor of an individual's chess skill is not the amount of chess he's played against opponents, but rather the amount of time he's spent sitting alone working through old games.

The secret to improving at a skill is to retain some degree of conscious control over it while practicing - to force oneself out of autopilot. With typing, it's relatively easy to get past the OK plateau. Psychologists have discovered that the most efficient method is to force yourself to type faster than feels comfortable, and to allow yourself to make mistakes. In one noted experiment, typists were repeatedly flashed words 10 to 15 percent faster than their fingers were able to translate them onto the keyboard. At first they weren't able to keep up, but over a period of days they figured out the obstacles that were slowing them down, and overcame them, and then continued to type at the faster speed. By bringing typing out of the autonomous stage and back under their conscious control, they had conquered the OK plateau.

- The OK Plateau, Moonwalking with Einstein: The Art and Science of Remembering Everything,

Joshua Foer

Currently at placement but can't help but want to transfer this from one of my virtual post-its (I can't remember where I got it from though!):

And verily Adam (a.s) gave his son Seth council saying : “Oh my dear son, you are my heir and successor, so take on this task with true piety, and hold firm to the rope of Allah, and every time you remember Allah, remember with His name, the name Muhammad (ص) For I have seen ‘Muhammad’ written on the legs of The Almighty’s Throne, And as I crossed the heavens, I did not pass a place except, I saw the name of Muhammad written upon it”.

I acknowledge my own stubbornness.

must. change.

Oh no, must stop ignoring my hotmail inbox! :\ Feel evil.

What has being passionate about women's rights got to do with being the kind of girl who doesn't want to get married? Why do people think like this, I ask you. Even if said in jest, the implication of it makes my blood boil.

This reminds me of other discussions I've had with other like-minded ladies; that if somehow, I'm not jumping into relationships or having a go with any Tom, Dick or Harry, I'm the kind of girl who's too independent to settle or dissing love in some way. I'm sorry if I'm simply trying to get love right; love's too much of a big deal for me to be bochup about it.

Hands-on assessment with real-life clients tomorrow, Bismillah. I need to breathe and stay calm. Remembering the pre-placement talk about learning styles, I know I'm the Reflector type who doesn't ever think she's ready to take the plunge. But no choice! Tomorrow is the plunge. :|

I'm suddenly thinking of Hermione, who tried to learn Quidditch through books, only to feel so inadequate on the broomstick. I suddenly feel like all the reading I'd ever done is not serving me; huhhhhh, borrow so many books for what!

I must think less of the supervisor's eyes on me, and more on the client. Pretend he's not there.

My heart is broken tonight because I found out Pi and Ryo left NEWS. This is so devastating, even to an old, detached fan -- because ohmygod, how could they! :'( I won't be able to see NEWS do anything together ever again? the sadness keeps coming back to me.

The fangirl inside me is mourning.

[edit: 12th Oct]

I like this BNF's attitude:

I don't begrudge either Ryo/Yamapi because this is, first and foremost, still a business. Shit happens. Things happen behind the scenes that we'll never know/understand and for that, I can't judge them because who knows what was said/done behind closed doors. They're no longer part of NEWS, but that's okay with me. K8 is never going to be one of my fav JE groups but I still enjoy them and will support them--it is the year of K8 after all. And Yamapi is still my top Johnny's boy. I will love any/everything he comes out with. While I doubt he'll do stuff in America (damn it), I would love to see where his path takes him. 

All in all, while I am anxious to hear what will happen with 4-member NEWS, I am hoping for the best. I want them to sell. I want them to be able to show everyone that despite all the hits they take, they're still strong enough to keep going. I want them to be happy. I say the same for Yamapi/Ryo. I want them to succeed. I want them to be happy. No hating here. Thnx.

From tinyangl

When you love, you love. :)

An old friend and penpal gave me this wonderful link about someone who succeeded in reducing all her possessions so that it could fit into her car: Operation Hobo. And the awesome effects it had on her mental state.

The less you own, the harder it is to hide from everything still wrong with you. All of the dreams you have yet to realize, even now that your childhood is startlingly far behind you, are suddenly so much more starkly visible once you can’t distract yourself by petting fabric swatches or rearranging your bookshelves.

We’re always saying life is short, but honestly, if you stop staring at paint chips and shopping for throw pillows and arranging vases, if you have so little clothing (let alone accessories like scarves, necklaces, or earrings, of which I own none) that choosing an outfit is hardly an artistic endeavor, you would be surprised at how much time you have and how absolutely terrifying it can feel to have nowhere to put that energy.

I keep wanting to do at least a fraction of this quest -- and the state of my clutter has improved, especially since my course started and my academic clutter has focused specifically to SLP-related paraphernalia. But god, the wardrobe. How to deal with this! And when she talked about throwing out photos and letters, it got me thinking of my entire drawer filled with such; I am a sentimental idiot and every little moment from the past stored in little notes, birthday letters and scribbles are lovingly protected from the dustbin. I think I must learn to pick only the few precious ones and throw the rest out.

The quest is still long, winding and never-ending?

I've been enjoying the day off too much, I feel, but just some last bit of fun stuff: animal videos with narration from Randall! from the famous nastayss-honey-badger vid. Haha, he cracks me up.

"The American Bullfrog. Gross."


"Jesus Christ Lizard."


"Honey Badger don't care, Honey Badger don't give a shit."

I fold thy gentleness within my cloak,
Thy flying wit I braid with jewellery.
I span thy courage with my bravest clasp,
And sip the sweets of thy integrity.
They think thee fair,
They see not what I see.

---

Mini! You should read this: Which iteration of a hero, for instance, do you choose, and what does it mean when you do? Haha, for our next lively discussion.

While her thesis is not that a romance novel indoctrinates readers into believing in certain kinds of relationships — that would be creepy — there's a strong argument here that the genre helps readers identify and articulate needs and feelings they already have, as they notice what kinds of books and heroes they gravitate toward.

The man behind Apple is no more; tribute to Steve Jobs.

Thank you for my beloved Ringo (i.e. my MacBook Air) and for having been an inspiring and creative soul.

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.''

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice.''

wow.

If you cannot make distinction between what is beautiful and what is not, then you are missing an instrument of the self. 

from bintyusuf (an awesome lady). I love her one-liners.

Today, a little boy was shrieking at the top of his lungs, "I want a GREEEEEEEEEEN gummy bear! A greeeeeeen one!" And was bawling away. His teacher was like -________- and trying to negotiate two gummy bears in place of the green non-existent one but, dang, he wanted the green. It took quite a bit of coaxing and visual instruction before he could get a grip. And besides being all wah and amazed at the situation, I started thinking about my own gummy bear fantasy. My picture of heaven has a bigger-than-life gummy bear at the entrance to my abode, from which I would take a munch every time I feel like it. (I imagine myself running into the arms and then taking a big bite.) heheheh, it somehow made me more sympathetic -- because whatever gummy bear means to you! It means this much to me.

A good start for today!

Michelle Lincoln's top 6 tips for placement:

1) Be prepared.

2) Be clear about your goals.

3) Know yourself.

4) Don't panic when things go wrong.

5) Communicate.

6) Think and reflect.

Remember, it's not about perfecting this life. It's about perfecting the soul. Dear God, I think maybe when I fall, it's Your reminding me, so thank You.

Stolen from a friend:

Who would you rather believe? An administration that has a track record of being a liar or a scholar who spoke for injustice, albeit with a fiery spirit. Anwar Al-Awlaki did not deserve to die for being so called 'linked' to numerous supposed attacks and this phantom organisation called Al-Qaeda. I don't believe any of it.

Are we in a Minority Report fantasy world? Kill someone before they actually do something?

Dear God, help me not demonise that whole country for the actions of their idiot few.

Right groups sue US over Muslim cleric Anwar Awlaki.



sigh.

Exam horror today! Which was nicely redeemed later in the day with wonderful classmates and dessert and  super-long chit-chat, after which I had to rush home as usual before I turned into a pumpkin. Ahah! Perhaps, I shall use that line now (credit goes to Ain). I'm wayyyy too grown-up to have a curfew but I do; so every time I'm out with people and the night ticks on, I should say, sorry friends, I have to flee! my real (not step) mother will kill me or I will be turned into a pumpkin! Sad life, haha. But I'm Cinderella and I shall win in the end.

Okay, I should stop being random and kental.

Exams over, but my brain keeps whirring and jumping ahead to placement worries and research worries++.

Brain, be still. Heart, be patient.

I just realised that most people grow up really well. Haha, I mean. That at some point, most people who have their heads screwed on right and their hearts not too out of place, become wonderful persons because life will throw really scary and challenging stuff at you (and sometimes really horrible things out of your own doing), and people who survive that usually become better, become amazing persons even. Essentially, humans grow up. They suck it up and they learn. I don't know, am I painting the world too pretty if I think most people are like this? I think most people are very good people, or at least they try to be. Why would you choose evil -- doesn't make sense to me.

Which only boggles me when seemingly really horrible personas can exist.

Or like, recently, Obama -- why you lie! :( It's sad. Don't know what to say. Who are these minority in the world who are making most good people of the world sad. (Actually, politics makes everyone ugly. oh well.)

The best way to make a dream come true is to wake up!

why you make me sad. :(

Watched Muallaf, which wasn't sad like Talentime; it's a more feel-good story. What I particularly liked though, was the fact that the last ayah of Al Baqarah kept getting mentioned. I was thinking about it just the other day. Except that the last two ayahs (not just the one) are encouraged reading every night/day.

2:285

The Messenger believes in what has been revealed to him from his Lord, and (so do) the believers; they all believe in Allah and His angels and His books and His messengers; and they say: We hear and obey, our Lord! Thy forgiveness (do we crave), and to Thee is the eventual course.

2:286

Allah does not impose upon any soul a duty but to the extent of its ability; for it is what it has earned, and upon it what it has wrought: Our Lord! do not punish us if we forget or make a mistake; Our Lord! do not lay on us a burden as Thou didst lay on those before us, Our Lord! do not impose on us that which we have not the strength to bear; and pardon us and grant us protection and have mercy on us, Thou art our Patron, so help us against those without faith.

Nihon ni ikitain desu!!! :( 

What a scary reminder this is! This kind of stuff always makes me want to shut up, especially on my blog.

“Do not admire yourself. Sometimes you may be deceived by your property and your bodily health into supposing that you will last forever. Sometimes you are deceived by your long life, your children and your friends into thinking that you will be saved by them. Sometimes you are deceived by your beauty and the circumstances of your birth, which bring you your hopes and desires so easily that you think that you are truthful and successful in achieving your goal. Sometimes you are deceived by the regret you show people for your shortcoming in worship, but Allah knows the opposite of that is in your heart. Sometimes you make yourself worship in a spirit of reluctance; but Allah desires sincerity. Sometimes you imagine that you are calling on Allah when you are calling on another. Sometimes you imagine that you are giving good counsel to people, while your real desire is that they bow to you. Sometimes you blame yourself when you are really praising yourself.”

— Imam Jafar al-Sadiq (as)

God forgive and protect us all. :s My dad said to read the last two ayahs of Al-Baqarah before sleep every night; I suppose it's to counter things like this.

Two Peas and a Jay

We're becoming a bit of a thing. The two Ps, when we hang out, won't ever take note of time and will go on and on and on -- about books (a warring of Anne of Green Gables and the Lymond Chronicles, specifically) and about men and about philosophies of life. And we're like, if only J was here! She'd remind us, that UM, we have to study, chop-chop! Stop drifting in life. Heheh.

But God, thank you for great friends and great company. They make life sweeter and funnier.

Also, I realise that any group of friends that I start getting chummy with will invariably start making me the target of teasing or bullying. I don't even know to be pleased or not when it starts -- it means a certain threshold has been crossed in terms of comfort and camaraderie, but at the same time: don't bully me!!! What is it about me that invites poking.

Been watching the awesome Jdrama, Zenkai Girl, which is ending soon!

Pitaro and Hinata = <3 They "elope" (haha, sending the adults into a frenzy) because they wanted to make "last memories" before Pitaro moves away to the US.

Look at Hinata's heartbroken face, and Pitaro's determined one to reassure her. Are these two little kids geniuses at acting or what? KAWAII.

The two kids are clearly put there to compare with the two silly adults, who are stamping on their love, instead of embracing it like the kids. Maybe the world is clearer to a child. If you like, say you like lah! And stop being so realistic and consider dreams and feasibility and compatibility. If this drama does not end with the conventional happy ending, I will bawl, and crawl to a fairytale-ending bollywood movie for comfort.

People are people, and you are you. The strength not to lose to yourself will break down any wall.

~ Arashi

Because I need a reminder.

And this! So lovely.

I try to avoid looking forward and backward, and try to keep looking upward.

~ Charlotte Bronte

Scattered thoughts today. This weekend, in between the mugging for the quizzes starting tomorrow (how well or poorly that's going is another story), I managed to do a little bit more of raya visiting, and also squeeze in a quick meet-up with Jean.

I think it's a wonderful thing to have old friendships. You can always make new friends, if you're at least a little bit likeable. But old friends. You sit and look at each other and wonder at how far and how long it's been, and it's a comfortable feeling. And you think about how we're different and how we're the same. And how you're proud to have known someone for so long, and knowing deep down the good person they strive to be.

It's like old married couples -- I envy them. The happy ones, at least! Or perhaps even the problematic ones. Because it's the companionship; it's the journeying together and the maturing, like good wine (which is haram! but just for the sake of analogy here).

Created by Oatmeal

ahahah! as usual, behaving like there aren't exams to sit for. :P

Had a horribly stressed out day, and I snapped at my mom. :( I feel pained about some things. Yesterday, I wanted to put faces, and today, I found this:

hahaha, so cuuute! poor, constipated-looking cat.

:x

Sometimes, right. I just want to put faces because I have no words. That face represents an I-can't-believe-I-said-that. And also, die -- I celebrated Raya this weekend and now, PANIC MODE while looking at stuff I have to do and mug within a week. Why can't the whole world raya together! :(

Favourite house visit today: Pakcik Harun said inspiring things about reforging broken family bonds this raya, lowering one's ego and in general, building our iman following the footsteps of Nabi and then he began, "Tidak jatuh martabat seorang suami membantu isterinya dengan kerja-kerja rumah..." I was so impressed, I clapped! HAHA. And then it became one big joke because Ami Omar chose that precise moment to excuse himself to the restroom and I was like, Ami Omar, you better sit and listen!!! 

BUT HELLO. Pakcik Harun is making me start an amazing pakciks list, with him at the top. He actually cut the cake for us and poured the tea and used rubber gloves because he says he likes it super clean.

Someone was trying to argue a point in a blog post and I was trying to make up my mind on whether to agree or not, and then, a swear word was thrown out. -.- And I'm like, pfffft.

What is that quote - was it by Ralph Waldo Emerson? Who you are screams so loudly into my face, I can't hear what you're saying?

Eid Mubarak! <3

My favourite line from today was Tok Mail asking me what I was doing now, and I said, "Oh, I decided to do a Master's course..." And he was like, "Oh... bagus, bagus. Take your time. First Degree, then Masters, and then, Mister!" HAHA. Because I was totally expecting him to say Ph. D or something, I was like, "Eh?" and then I burst out laughing.

Nekmah also, when it was the hugging and the saying goodbyes part, she was like, "Nekmah doakan dapat boypren yang beriman eh... Tak lawa takpe, iman dulu." Haha, aduuuhhh. It's not fair how the boys don't get this type of pressure. I just hope that at the end of the day, I don't get mixed up about trying to please others and pleasing myself and pleasing God.

O Allah! Fill my heart with light, and my grave with light; place light in front of me, and light behind me; place light on my right and light on my left; place light above me and light below me; place light in my ears and light in my eyes, and light in my hair and my skin and my flesh and my blood and my bones. O Allah, increase my light, give me such light that it is worth all of what I have said and a light that will encompass everything I could not say.

AKIRA! I miss you so.

Yes, maybe it is the lack of calcium, haha.

Home alone and procrastinating.... Nooooooooo.

I love Jdramas. They're so... thematic. Maybe that's it. Like they're always built on a nice, heartwarming moral or concept, and then they manage to layer that so prettily with relatable characters and the crazy Jap brand of crack. Some Jdramas make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

I am also suddenly digging up Perfume songs on youtube. O.O I wonder at the brainless nature of this pursuit and why I'm doing it at all. Maybe it's the mind-blanking nature of it that is so therapeutic.


Verily, I am fasting. Then cannot meleleh like this, right! We should not meleleh at all, but !!! especially now.

I like this! in relation to the previous post:

I am in one of those nostalgic moods and reading some old stuff; like this poem that I saved from Jiawen's old LJ layout. <3

It's the heart, afraid of breaking, 
That never learns to dance. 
It's the dream, afraid of waking, 
That never takes a chance. 
It's the one who won't be taken, 
Who cannot seem to give. 
And the soul, afraid of dyin', 
That never learns to live.

I think that as I grow older, I realise more and more how strange life is. I don't have the energy right now to tease apart the reasons why I think so, but I really think it is strange. Hmmm. How, for instance, our younger versions agonize over things that wouldn't matter 10 years down the road, say. We so often get stuck in moments in time and forget to look at the big picture, and if we would only just step back a bit more... I think that if I live to 90 (like my awesome granny!) and my brain can still function lucidly, I'd probably reflect back on the younger versions of myself and laugh and laugh. But I also hope that I'd feel proud of my younger self; that with what little knowledge I had, I tried my best. And I hope the climb up doesn't stop.

I'm reminded of something I read about the concept of happiness. There's the happy you feel in the moment; the kind where you're having an enjoyable time with friends and family or watching a wonderful movie or being tickled by a friend's joke. Then there's the other kind of necessary happy; the kind where you look back on your life and you love yourself. I think it's probably related to Aristotle's concept of happiness; which is virtue and excellence. That you've lived your life by some sort of system. The Islamic concept too, of course. Which is that happiness is success in the afterlife; that yes, you can feel happy in this world, but you don't attain happiness until it's all over. It's an intriguing distinction.

Coming down with a horrible cold. Kenit sister passed on her overseas germs to me. :( Cubaan.

I have to do a sharing thing this coming week at APEX. :s I don't want to become a kancheong little spider, but I am already fretting.

Shaykh Abdal Hakim Murad on Gluttony, Fasting and Eating Less.



I try to be rational, but I don't know if it's working.

---

Ehehhh, this piece is cute and all too true for me:

Why do twentysomethings always feel so old?

I think the reason why twentysomethings are so fixated on age is because we feel a pressure to be a certain way at 23, at 25, at 29. There are all of these invisible deadlines with our careers and with love and drinking and drugs. I can’t do coke at 25. I need to be in a LTR at 27. I can’t vomit from drinking at 26. I just can’t! We feel so much guilt for essentially acting our age and making mistakes. We’re obsessed with this idea of being domesticated and having our shit together. It’s kind of sad actually because I don’t think we ever fully get a chance to enjoy our youth. We’re so concerned about doing things “the right way” that we lose any sense of pleasure in doing things the wrong way. Youth may be truly wasted on the young.


For instance, the fact that I've been at APEX for 4 years makes me feel so freaking ancient. (And was the excuse to sabo me for tazkirah sessions -- "You've been here 4 years you know!" haiyoh.) And new mentors seem to get younger and younger. Everytime I chat up a new member and we're like, "Oh, what are you doing now?" or "Where are you studying now?", and GOD, they are so kenit, and I brace myself when I have to explain that my goodness, I technically already have a degree. And I have said, "I am far, far older than you..." to more than a couple of juniors.


Except that... not really right! I'm not that much older. It's just this skewed perception. Maybe.


Age is relative. The definition of "old" is always just a year away from where you are now. The definition of "young" is the falsely remembered ability to do things you can't/don't want to do any more. 

Ramadhan Mubarak! (:

I meant to put this up earlier of course, but non-cyber life had me busy. Ramadhan already here, and I've been trying to keep up my energy level.

My kenit sister who came back from one of those helping-other-people-overesas-ventures is being emo because she is apparently just learning about the world, and how fortunate she is, and we are as a family. And being the wise big sister I am, I say, Only now you know ah. -.- Haha. But seriously. You don't realise these things until you see things and feel things and finally perceive the miraculous circumstance of your blessed situation. I say, just say, Alhamdulillah and help who you can.

I think that, like Will Scott, I admire consistency.
---

"Why did you decide to join me?"


"Why...?" repeated Redhead, needing time to think.


"Word of three letters," said Lymond. "Come along, for God's sake: no need to let me have it all my own way. What was it? Rape, incest, theft, treason, arson, wetting the bed at night..."


"...Or burning my mother alive," said the other sarcastically.


"Oh, be original at least." The Master was undisturbed. "Why are you here?"


Silence. Then the boy said slowly, "Because I admire you."


An appreciative titter ran round the audience. "You shock me," said Lymond. "Explain, please."


"All right," said the boy. "You've chosen a life of vice, and have been consistent and reliable and thorough and successful in carrying it out."


Lymond considered this with every appearance of seriousness. "I see. Thus the baseness of my morals is redeemed by the stature of my manners? You admire consistency?"


"Yes, I do."


"But prefer consistency in evil to consistency in good?"


"The choice is hypothetical."


"Lord; is it? What an exciting past you must have."


"I despise mediocrity," stated the young man firmly.


"And you would also despise me if I practised evil but professed purity?"


"Yes. I should."


"I see. What you are really saying, of course, is that you dislike hypocrisy, and people who can't stand by their principles. I find it so helpful," continued Lymond, "when some of my gentlemen have well-defined codes of conduct. It makes them more predictable."

Love this! 

What rubbish are you saying, Zazu???

Some more random pictures:

Insyirah, please don't move to Qatar. Meh. :(

XD (From the old sitcom, Home Improvement.)

From Bradley Trevor Greive's The Green Book

Less than 2 weeks to Ramadhan, and less than 3 weeks to recess week! O.O Time is sprinting, and I am exhausted.

ethics = a branch of beauty <3

Suddenly thought of this line while on the way home:

Don't beat about the bush; just beat the bush! Teach it a lesson.

(from DT, which might have taken it from elsewhere)

Partly because this morning in PBL class, we were circling around a single question for nearly an hour, and discussed the topic to death. -.- I think I am a very tolerant person, and I think I successfully present a calm facade to the world, so that most times, people have no idea I'm about to like, scream or something. Haha. Not that this morning was that bad (we've had worse the previous semester). But I felt like I wanted to stomp my feet or make an irritated sound.

I think this is where we learn to be patient with group and people dynamics. And accept that different people think differently, and you're going to get ramblers, chop-chop-pers (i.e. people who are on-the-ball), and in-your-face-rs etc etc in the world.

I feel like this now, because stressful times tend to converge together:

Edvard Munch's The Scream

There are apparently three kinds of people in the world: dabblers, hackers and masters. The first merely dabbles in everything but realising that the acquiring of any worthy skill is hard, gives up and never achieves any level of competence in anything i.e. Jack of all trades. Hackers are a bit better in the sense that they pursue a skill to some level of proficiency but then stagnate. Whereas mastery entails the continuous perfecting of an art or skill; you're supposed to get better and better forever.

I am scared of being stuck in the first category. :s Excellence is a virtue too.

Trouble blogging again. Because my mind is cluttered, and I'm getting lazy.


Also, I have statistics to study... and my goddd... this stuff is not sinking in. And to think I actually did Level 2000/3000 statistics modules before. Where did any of the info go! I think our brain does throw out stuff we personally, primitively hate. I know I've done this before... but O.O no important information about it remains. must. not. be. lazy. and. stubborn. must. mug.


Got bored (i.e. wanted to procrastinate) and tried to google tumblr and lymond together, and surprise, surprise! there wasn't one dedicated to it. -.- puh. But did find someone reviewing a little bit of Checkmate...


I'm loving Checkmate, but I just can't get over the fact that Lymond and Philippa can, in a way, read each other's minds. And NEITHER ONE OF THEM QUESTIONS IT. It just starts happening as though it's perfectly natural and normal for a couple in love to share a telepathic connection. NO ONE IS ALARMED. I'm alarmed that no one is alarmed.


from putting the pro in procrastination.


haha! I kind of remember thinking like this. 


Also, this makes me nostalgic; I do agree that most times, it's all about timing:


Oh God, I'm hopelessly gone. I should have waited a decade to read this when maybe I wouldn't be so susceptible to gorgeous, witty, dangerous heroes.


And some more stuff I agree with; how is it that I feel like I know this person:


And can I just say that this one line gave me shivers in a way the horror genre has never managed?

'It's Francis Crawford,' she said, her young voice harsh. 'Kill him for me?'

She says it to a roomful of 600 drunk men--men who happen to be Lymond's own army that he'd built. I was clutching my pillow and most likely groaning out loud at that point. Later we find out that Lymond walked into the room knowing everything would devolve into chaos and that they would probably end up flogging him. So before he doomed himself to that fate he loosened the chains on the whipping post so that he could get away later that night after they had whipped him. Jesus Christ. Just the fact that he walked into that room knowing he would fail to talk them down.... He comes in as they're verbally shredding his (dubious) reputation, violence permeating the air, and says, "Good evening. Wouldn't you prefer to stab me in the front, rather than the back?"

Who does that?! Who's that insane?!

This series is ruining me for all future novels. I can feel it. I can't remember the last time I was this immersed in a world and its characters.


YES, not since Lymond have I been truly satisfied again.


---


okay, I need a nap before I force the mugging on myself. :s