This song came on just a moment ago, and I feel happy.

I Look, I See by Yusuf Islam

I look, I look, I look, I see
I see a world of beauty
I touch, I touch, I touch, I feel
I feel a world around so real
And everything I do
I dedicate to You
Cause You made me
I am for You

I listen, listen, listen, I hear
I hear the words of God so clear
I read, I read, I read, I know
It helps my knowledge grow
And everything we do
We dedicate to You
Cause You made us
We are for You
I listen, listen, listen, I hear

He sent the Prophet to show us the way
He made Religion perfect that Day
Peace be upon him, upon him we pray
Salatullah, wa salamu alaihi

I sleep I sleep, I sleep, I dream
I dream I am in a garden green
I wish, I wish, I wish I pray
I pray to be here everyday
And everything I do
I dedicate to You
Cause You made me
I am for You

I work, I work, I work, I strive
To make something of my life
I seek, I seek, I seek, I find
I find another hill to climb
And everything we do
We dedicate to You
Cause You made us
We are for You
I look, I look, I look, I see

He sent the Prophet to show us the way
He made Religion perfect that Day
Peace be upon him, upon him we pray
Salatullah, wa salamu alaihi (x2)

I have my statistics exam in a while and I've reached a plateau of zen-ness. Although I haven't actually understood every single letter or word or mathematical equation or even actually, entire chapters, I feel like... I'm okay. And zen. Last night I was irritated by the whole thing -- by the crazy way we're meant to study these things, with no proper appreciation of concepts, I feel, and it pissed me off extremely. I actually want to understand why these formulas are such and why they work in certain ways, but I feel like we haven't been given the proper opportunity to. So little time and all the wrong lesson objectives. And if I can't properly understand and enjoy the subject, how can you make me want to study it??? Some deep part of my soul is just totally against the whole let's-just-mug-and-score-at-the-exam and maybe this is why I just can't bring myself to care enough.

And I especially hate it when I cannot see the point of a module. Like the syllabus is a mess, and doesn't seem to point to any one overarching concept.

But now, whatever, you stupid exam. Unlike you, I value knowledge. And true understanding. And I have ceased to give grades more worth than they deserve.

I was telling my sister at how zen I feel about things these days. It's kind of shocking.

Oh, Prof Miksic returned our grades for the Shipwreck essay and museum exhibit. Am a bit sad about his comments on our exhibit -- not enough depth or stg like that? :( But I don't care! I still like what we did! And it was a fun exercise and I met a V6 fan while working on it, so yay. Haha.

And my story of the monk boy scored a 75% -- considering I eked out the 10 pages within approximately 2 days, I am happy. :P I had expected loads worse. But he actually said my use of facts were pretty good but vague -- thank god for my love for historical fiction, I say, because a lot of my images of the story were shaped by Japan's Edo period in Rowland's Sano Ichiro series that I read.

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Okay, got a paper to sit for, and then staying over at Shweta's room to work on the horrid cz project I've been neglecting.

As usual, one foot is in fandom although I'm supposed to be studying. But eeeps! Sho's and Maki's new drama (about some legal officers with clashing personalities trying to make the world a better place) is making me too excited, I can't help myself.

And I totally agree with this statement by helloyourself:

Maki + Arashi is second to Mao + Arashi for me in terms of enjoyment. Third is Becky + Arashi, because man, Nino's bitchiness when Becky gushes over Hanadan? SHEER GOLD. Really, Arashi + girl is just super awesomesauce. THERE SHOULD BE MORE ARASHI GEN HET.

HAHA. This feels good; I feel like it's been some time since fandom made me ditzy.

And I feel like helloyourself is just out to win me over, no matter what; their lines crack me up! For instance, I feel compelled to look up dbsk stuff because their gushing over Jaejoong leaves me seriously breathless with laughter:

Because when you look past the carved gorgeousness and fragility in his face and then lower to his arms of God and actually pay attention to his actions and words, you come away with the realization.....wow, you're a huge dork. And I LOVE THAT.

Witness the Jaejoong flail here.

And oh, I think I've left the Yamaki boat. It was a wonderful almost-2-years affair. Haha.

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Okay, I am enforcing an exam hiatus on myself. Cannot lah, otherwise. Ja!

He who lives without folly is not so wise as he imagines.
~ De La Rouchafoucauld

Been trying to revive my my motivation and enthusiasm for work. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this!

I was on the train to school today and reading, and I wasn't actually reading because I kept zoning out into space every other sentence and thinking and thinking and thinking (bloody hell, I really just think too much) and then suddenly, the seat next to mine was vacated and this pakcik sits down and says, "Tengah hafal ke, termenung je?" (which kind of translates into "Are you trying to memorise, you look like you were daydreaming?")

So embarassing, please. I kind of just laughed it off and said, "No..." -- but really, I felt like disappearing into thin air. It's always kind of mortifying when someone catches me being my dreamy self. A kaypoh stranger some more.

It reminds me of the time when I was 13 and in the canteen and Stephanie Tan asked me, "Why are you staring at your bowl of noodles?" *headdesk* haha.

But okay, today, at one point during that train ride, I was thinking of how I'm going to sms Jiawen soon and tell her to plan an Arashi/JE party in her basement during the hols. wahahahaha! Please, this year has been tough. For so many different reasons. I am going to enjoy December and reflect on how I've grown.

Seishun saikou!

I finally watched Honey and Clover the movie tonight. I thought it'd make me cry; I was ready to sob my eyes out. But I didn't, although the part where Takemoto runs to the beach and starts crying was really moving; when he wonders how come the sea isn't sparkling like before and he thinks he wants to erase all the memories so it wouldn't hurt anymore. But then he decides he can't erase everything, because that would mean erasing the fact that they'd all met, that they'd all been together once, and that it was wonderful once.

The movie just made me feel content, somehow; like I'm not alone. That youth is all about making mistakes and learning and waking up every new day to stumble even more.

I swear, I think it started snowballing from this song. Duck and Arashi are to blame! :P

Finally finished my narrative essay thing and am not happy with it. :( ah well.

A week left of school. O.o

I'm so irrationally zen and relaxed about my still-unfinished assignment, part of my brain - the part that tries to keep me up to speed with the happenings of real life - is practically screaming, "Which part of 'this paper is due tomorrow' do you not understand!?" Heh. I am lacking a sense of urgency right now. It's kind of scary how not scared I am. I blame it on the jadedness of having been in this crazy education system more than half my life.

I look at my sister becoming frazzled over her geog A-level paper tomorrow and I wonder how I ever had the drive to mug hard enough for As. Right now, I feel like I can't be bothered about any of it.

I love and trust in you, Rasulullah.

---

I get irrationally happy when I understand the computer-related ones. Haha.

from xkcd.

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I'd like to have liqa' every day; or at least more often. I do. There'd be nothing better than to look forward to sitting down with everyone at the end of a hard and tiring day, knowing that hey, this is what makes life worth it.

The sayyidat liqa' today was nice. I feel us getting closer. And it does make me forget about the transient worries of life. And Kak Haseenah said something that made me tear up; it was the same reason I was swiping tears on the way to school the other day. The thought that we managed to be here. Sad that it wasn't sooner, but overwhelmingly grateful that we've been gifted with the opportunity. I don't know how we could have lived without this before.

Indeed those who pledge to you are those who pledge to Allah, the hand of Allah is above their hands.
~ Surah Al-Fath

Whaaat am I doing, man. Really. First of all, awake at ungodly hour, not doing my 10-page essay due Monday (I am so majorly screwed), but just wasting time.

And really, whaaaat am I doing. I don't know anymore.

I am so sleepy and I will be so dead tired for tomorrow's sayyidat liqa', and still I'm not sleeping. I should sleep.

I suppose that saying I came across is true: that this is why life is a test. If it weren't a test, we'd have a full instruction manual on how to live it.

Eh, actually, we do. Just a matter of focus then.

The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself.

~ Anais Nin

Yes, finally, new blogskin. The other one had lasted waaaay too long. I'm liking this one's wide design; more space.

I'm having a little problem with my archiving though; this place has existed since 2002 and while that fact may be awesome in itself, the posts from then may not. :P One looks back on childishness and frivolousness and boundless stupidity, and shudders. Haha.

I don't know. Ungh. Hiding my old archives only implies I have something to be ashamed of from my past, right? I don't want to be like that. Yes, I made crazy blunders and was extra mad and hyper - but I was young, and being who I was then certainly led to the me now. So, okay, I'm leaving that long list there lah. Ahak.

Can't decide if going for statistics class today is worth it at all. I should just stay home and work on my shipwreck story for USP.

There are nights I just want to sleep and not wake up. For a hundred years or something.

I keep thinking back to the night when Eunice and me had dinner and I was complaining to her about how I seemingly lack control over my own actions; and she described how we all probably have insanity somewhere inside us, strapped down, so that our sensible selves are usually the masters of our fate. I simply let insanity drive for a split second; the horror.

What I have for comfort now are only words like this:

Do you think that the things people make fools of themselves about are any less real and true than the things they behave sensibly about? They are more true: they are the only things that are true. ~ Candida (1898), George Bernard Shaw

Still, I'd choose sanity if I could.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin

Have had a crazy past few days which only started winding down at noon today. Projects all piling up and converging together. My saturday felt like the whizzing by of an express train; typing away the whole of the morning, stressing over the freaking bio project which by the way still makes very little sense to me, and rushing to school for a meeting and rushing back for liqa' at Abang Yan's place, and only finishing at midnight. Got home and started despairing over the project again but went to sleep anyway and woke up and started typing again. And finally got done at 11 am this morning.

Sometimes... in between doing all these inane daily routines and chasing deadlines, I feel like we lose our sense of self. Like we become machines or something. Doing passionless tasks, and running and running after that something; and losing sight of what's important, what's real. I think maybe some people actually enjoy the high speedy life. I personally don't. And I suppose some people actually do what they're truly passionate about, so that's wonderful. But really, how many of us do. I ask you.

I don't think I can be very coherent about my thoughts tonight, but this sketch from xkcd says a little.


Stupid, amazing worlds inside us. I like that. Like that poet, Walt Whitman, who said, "I am large. I contain multitudes."