Shit. I missed my own birthday! Haha. It could have been more eventful, but I'm saving my celebrations till after lsm paper. SO I'll wait till then. But I still got nice nice nice wishes. And am happy. :)

two decades is a long time. bring it on, life. let's see what the next ten years will bring.

I foresee this place coming to a standstill this coming month due to my being away. The exams have already reduced my posts to mere outcries of despair for the state of my grades. I hate that. I know I do it, but I do hate that I do. I'm feeling quite gloomy. (Physics was horrid beyond compare.)

I wonder if the theory holds; that theory that life offers you clues of how it'll all eventually turn out. Like if you're meant to be a superstar, your superstar qualities shine from whence you're born. You know, the way mothers always exclaim, "I always knew she was gonna be a star!" And if you're going to end up with a Nobel prize, then most likely you were a child prodigy and uttered oxyhaemoglobin at the age of three (apparently, JBS Haldane did say that when he was 3). And people can generally tell, it's almost an unexplainable gut feeling, how she will be super-successful, he will make loads of money, she will end up with the family of 2.3 kids and the 5Cs as well, he will work in parliament etc etc.

Actually, I don't know where I'm going with this. I've been hit by the gloomies because I feel like everyone at least knows what they're doing, cept me. And looking back at my life, it makes me feel more clueless than ever. My life gives me no clues. Do what my parents say? Yes, that's what I've been doing. After that, I don't know. Maybe I'll remain a dreamer. Eternal dreamer. I wish somehow that could work in the real world.

blah. I hope I get out of this rut soon and be my rare optimistic self. And it helps that I saw this quote today: "the strong follow the beauty of uncertainty". yes, I like to entertain the notion of my being strong.

Two papers down. And I am seriously terrified of programming and evolution grades now. Please don't let me get Cs. Let me get Bs at least. Pleeeeaaaasse.

It's begun. :S

And I also just found out my flight for US leaves next saturday night! hello. that is too fast! That leaves me three days to pack and buy supplies and go to the money-changer and everything! oh crap. this is going to be hectic.

Programming is slowly but surely sinking into the same league as chemistry; the league of subjects that are out to kill me. Possibly, it could sink lower than even that. Seriously, anyone wanting to drive himself to suicidal behaviour can simply take up a module that begins with CS. Those applied math people I met last sem were right. They warned me about computing. "You're taking computational science?!", they exclaimed. And I was like all shocked and @_@ and why? And they said they were ready to jump out the windows anytime doing computing. And I understand now.

This is just so typical of me. Putting myself in positions that are most detrimental to my mental state. I know I get paranoid easily, and still I do this. Why can't I just let myself do the things I like?

"There's no education superior to travel. Think of The Motorcycle Diaries, or what Montrose St. Millet wrote in Ages of Exploration: 'To be still is to be stupid. To be stupid is to die.'" ~ Special Topics in Calamity Physics

See? Why can't I just travel all my life? That's still learning what.

Thought I'd post a picture of sorts just to make this place more colourful (and improve the in-the-dumps mood I'm having). This is duckie's; hope you don't mind! I really really love the photo. And I think I shall try to find a way to put it up here permanently or stg.

today, while walking home alone and doing some thinking, I finally understood something. which I should have understood long before. but better late than never, I guess. that success isn't about perfection; it's about resilience.

Because I was inordinately upset about a stupid less-than-excellent grade I got. I felt horrible about the fact that I felt horrible, you know? It's just a grade. So now, I am trying to learn to embrace setbacks.

I hate the phrase live life to the fullest. what the hell does it mean? oh sure, it's all easy to say you'll live life to the fullest when you have money, a family, a healthy functional body and you can do what you want. but I've always wondered how you'd tell that to an african boy stuck in a civil war, say. live life to the fullest? what life???

that stupid overused phrase is just so obviously wrong.

I am in one of my angst-y moods.

I was teaching my mum the intricacies of the internet last night. It was funny, to say the least. Talk about generation gap.

I also went to school to meet the other people going for the US trip. And we discussed loads about multicultural stuff and about sensitive racial stuff. I'm glad the topic is about this. It's so relatable.

Everyone was nice enough. I think I'll be okay.

I'm too tired to dish out my thoughts right now. Programming is weighing heavily on my mind.

muaha. I signed a Support Jo Harvelle petition, so they won't throw her out of the show. It might work. I love the way these american fans are so proactive. Yes, it might be passion better channeled elsewhere, but it's still passion nonetheless. Unlike, sadly, in dear old sunny singapore. Where we don't even have a show that's worth saving on tv right now.

I tell you what's wrong. Take the show "After Hours" on channel 5, starring Utt and what's-her-name and the MTV VJ, Max, and Joanne Pei.

1) There are three foreigners out of 4 of the lead roles. Yes, Utt and Max are cute, but are they Singaporean? NO. Who exactly is your target audience? Singaporeans? Then I suggest you cast Singaporeans. When I watch the show, I feel so disconnected. I know of no Singaporean, on campus or otherwise, who speak like those two guys do. (although there is paul in writing class, but otherwise.) There is just something so wrong about the way they behave! It's not Singaporean.

2) Plot. Plot. Plot. Where is the plot, people? Are we going somewhere with this? Haven't we done the love thing over and over? You know what makes good stories? STORYLINES. Seriously, maybe I should sign up as a scriptwriter at mediacorp.

3) Can we throw out the love scenes, please? They are beyond bad. It's okay that we are Asian and we're conservative; it's OKAY. Accept our lifestyle. You don't see couples kissing on the street in Singapore, and it's okay. We can do without them. We can still make good stories. Please don't try to Hollywood-ize yourself. There's nothing as mortally embarassing as pretending to be something you're not and failing miserably at it.

4) Is this honestly how 20-stg Singaporeans behave today? I know nothing, I suppose, because all I do is go for lectures and surf the net. Maybe I should check with my cousin who's working. But I have a feeling Singaporeans don't behave the way the characters do. Bottomline: it feels so fake. I can't really pinpoint the source, but it does make the show feel fake.

Look, what has worked for local tv so far? PCK. Under One Roof. Growing Up. What's the formula? Might be a number of things. But I think most importantly, it's not fake. Singaporeans can identify with the characters. Siiigh.

Right now, the best thing on channel 5 is Adrian Pang. Haha. I have to add that Suria is having the lowest of the low times. When was out last good show? Anak Metropolitan was it??? Or was it Cinta Bollywood (but season 2 sucked tremendously)? So long ago. Our local tv network needs serious help.

math by day, deedat by night.

I am getting hooked onto his debates again! It's at the exam periods that I start doing such things you know. Getting absorbed into the things I find fascinating. I still remember vividly, in the days of A-level mugging, I was sitting at my zen study table, not reading notes, but reading Lee Kuan Yew's memoirs. Of all the times I could pick to read the MM's lifestory, I picked the exam period. And this morning I picked up my Steve Pinker book too. But stopped at the end of the preface because I had to force myself to study. I can't study. My hands are too itchy; they love to pick up such distracting things.

I just watched the Doha debate on BBC. So exciting; about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. and the motion: Palestinians should give up their right of return. And the opposition won. This is one of the many reasons why BBC rocks, and CNN sucks. BBC doesn't openly favour the jews. And there was this guy on the opposition who was so passionate and fired up and openly said the Israeli were establishing a racist state and everything. Wohohoho. I love it when people who don't care to bash up others appear on tv. They just say the most controversial things. Like Ahmad Deedat.

And my my my. The audience was so good-looking. The guys who spoke up were not only smart and sensitive ("I think all of us here are disconnected from the refugees in the camps. Who are we to decide for them. We talk about dignity and pride, but these people are suffering. And if we can do something for these people, then I'm all for that.") but so pretty also. Whoi. Unfairness to the max. I complained to my mum: why can't we have more of these guys walking the streets of Singapore? It's true what I said the last time, when I came back from egypt; hollywood's pretty, but the middle east is prettier.

School officially over! And we're left with the last stretch of mugging. May God keep me awake and focused.

I love Oliver Twist. I watched the movie on tv today, the one with little Barney Clark as Oliver, and I love him so much. Oliver Twist just makes you want to go hug an orphan. Seriously. So poor thing. Okay, that's it; Oliver Twist shall be on the list of my reads after exams end. I feel horrified at myself when I realise how much reading I haven't done this semester. I halted all my reads at the beginning of the year. Completely halted.

And I had my last paper conference with Nerney this morning. And he made me feel smart because he said my first draft is in pretty good shape. and there isn't much for him to talk about. Then he actually said I was his star girl in class because I said some smart things in class. Which made me laugh, because seriously, that is hilarious. Perhaps it's because of the five people class. Otherwise I wouldn't talk so much. But I think I didn't talk much! I think Anu did most of that. oh well.

I think I have a problem receiving compliments. The moment I get one, I either think they're faking it, out to get me or they just don't know me. I blame my parents. Because they have never said anything good about me to my face. not really. not even when I got my As. my dad will just go, "how come you didn't get a scholarship?" honestly, I tell you. Parents can screw up the child in many many ways. And this is one of the many reasons why having a kid is incredibly scary. Every action on your part counts. BIG. But, overall, I think I'm a pretty decent person. I'm not a criminal or overtly rude or anything. So I think overall, my parents are great.

going out for family dinner! albeit missing the son of the family. but feels nice anyway.

I want to cry. I think perhaps a proper crying session will help loads. But that's over one thing. Or a couple of things.

I'm happy about some other things! Like the approaching holidays. I'm looking forward to a good, good time. :)

I am so scared! Programming practical in a while. I hear horror stories you know, of people not even being able to open the document or something. And people saying you'll definitely fail. But I don't wanna fail anymore! I already failed the first CA. Dear God, please help me.

Of course, I got a bit of an ego booster in other departments. Cause I got the US trip thing! yayeeeee. (Now I worry how to tell the pentasbudaya peeps.) And I got a good grade for LSM CA2.

eeeyyyyaaah. 2nd may cannot come soon enough.

I wish I had spent more time with secureshellclient aka the programming software. So that I wouldn't be so incredibly frightened of tomorrow's programming practical. It's true what the lecturers say. It's not exactly that difficult (although I think it still CAN be); it just requires time and patience. And it's actually very fun when it works. I get so excited when I actually succeed in making a switch statement.

Time is proportional to level of perfection. Given time, anything can be executed perfectly or anyone can be polished to perfection. But humans are bound by time. Timelessness = absolute perfection. God is timeless, therefore God is perfect. Hm. Works. More time spent studying = grades are closer to perfection? yes yes.

I think I tend to be incomprehensible a lot of the time. What the heck. No time to bother about that.

I want a camera. Shall accumulate birthday money for a camera. I saw someone with a lumix slr the other day, and started pining for a camera again. It is dumb. Time to stop pining and go get it!

freaking out. because yes, that time of the year has come around. the horrible exam period.

Little brother has gone off to NS. And by way of saying goodbye, he said, "Jaga Sandy*." And I said, "Jangan asik sms girlfriend aje.**" And that was it. We have that kind of sibling dynamic. We care but we pretend we don't. Of course with my sister, I'm more open. Ocassionally, sisters can declare 'I love you's to each other without much qualm. But brothers? Nyeeah. The my-sibling-is-such-a-pain facade has to be maintained.

Talk of siblings of course reminds me of the winchesters. Dean is the the the bestest big brother on tv ever. :)

I should get on with my evolution work. Doing on the evolution of intelligence. You know, the more I read all these scholarly works, the more I think we humans know close to nothing about our existence. Even these scientists are grappling around, trying to define intelligence in the first place. I tell you: there's a LOOONG way to go to learn it all.

---
*Take care of Sandy (eng). Sandy being a very sentimental soft toy of my brother's. The dumb things we do.

** Don't spend all your time sms-ing your girlfriend (eng). He's probably exasperated with me cause I keep pushing it. But hello, little brother, I am not dumb. I can see, hear and infer. And as a big sister, I make it my business to know. Perhaps only elder siblings can empathise with me when I say I have this need to be protective of my little bro and sis. Besides, I think boys need much much guidance in this matters (but that's a whole other story for a whole other entry).

3 more weeks to the end of this crazy sem.

I had a damn scary dream yesterday. It's one of those dreams where you don't even know you fell asleep and you wonder if the dream is actual reality. It happened in the morning, after subuh prayer, when I decided to sleep in a bit because my lectures started in the afternoon. The door of my room was closed, the curtains were shut tight and it was fairly dark. I was laying on my side, just thinking. Then my sister, whose bed is right next to mine and whose silhouette I could make out clearly, started making grinding noises with her teeth and started fidgeting in her sleep. She kicked me with her leg and scratched her hair.

And then it hit me. It was supposed to be 6.30 am. On a freaking weekday. MY SISTER IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN BED. And it started dawning on me that it wasn't my sister, because my sister had made her bed and gone off to school! I couldn't breathe for a while. And then I started to inch my hand to the night light switch but the thing realised that I realised, woke up and grabbed my hand! I tell you I was so freaked. I couldn't make out this 'thing's' face (thank god) because of the dark but she sort of started smiling sinisterly, I think. Like she thought it was damn funny that she tricked me. Or maybe she was surprised I figured it out or something. And she wouldn't let go of my wrist, and that words-stuck-in-throat feeling came. I was pleading to God for it to let me go. And after selawating a couple of times, it was gone and I... woke up. I think. My sister's bed was nicely made and very empty and it was quiet. And it was 7 am.

I laid quietly in bed for a while trying to process what happened, switched on the night light (at 7am. pooh.) and then after a moment's contemplation, went back to sleep with no more disturbances.

When I related this to my sister, she was like, "AND YOU WENT BACK TO SLEEP?!?!" Yar. I was tired. And I really convinced myself it was just a dream at that point. I don't know now. It was strange. But I'm still not very afraid - not as much as I should be. You got to assert yourself in your own house. No ghost should succeed in kicking you out of your own comfy bed if you want to get some much-needed sleep.

duck just came back from holland and I can just die looking at her photos! the tulips are so so so gorgeous. >_< it's making me want to learn how to make blogskins cause then I'd be able to put the tulips up permanently here. so preeeettttty.

ANYWAY. Have to say that I've gotten a windfall. Out of the blue, aunt has dropped the bomb and asked me if I wanted to accompany granny to India. DUUUH. Of course I want!!! Fully sponsored some more. Rich aunts are godsend. ohmygod!!! I can't wait! This semester may suck but I foresee the break as some of the best times of my life. I think. Let's not get too ahead of myself.

Good things that are happening:
1) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
2) Spiderman 3
3) INDIA!!!
4) a US trip that might might might, and I pray to god will, happen!
5) kaktiyah treating us!

okay. actually. that's sort of it so far. but I'm so excited already. :)))

(and did I say I did get an A for paper 2? pressure's on!)