I was talking to my sis the other night and I told her that if I died first, I'd leave her all my private stuff. I'll give her my written journals, my crappy quote-filled, scribble-filled notebooks and all my passwords that I use online for anymore private crap. Then I'd want her to burn everything.

Then I realise the extent of my cloistered life. The way I keep, seriously, EVERYTHING, under tight wraps. And I realise I trust very, very few people. What is wrong with me.

Then I think, maybe everyone's like that. Nobody really knows that many people. No one single person knows, for real, more than maybe five people. I mean, really know someone.

Like... I'd look at my mom, and I see my mom. But there are times when I realise that she's a girl too, was, is. And it dawns on me that I don't know her, as anything more than my mom.

You know?

Anyway, last entry was full of melodrama. Pfft. Like I said. In the heat of the moment, one tends to blow things slightly out of proportion. When you take a step back, you gain some rationality and become that little bit more detached, so that you can finally see what an emotional fool you were at that point in time. (Now I start to wonder... which position is closer to the reality of the situation. Oh nevermind.)

To better things: I have got my hands on PBSeason2 and yes, I am having fun feeding my obsession! I am a TV junkie.

I don't know what to say. I just feel, for lack of a better expression, screwed over. Or I'm deluded. I don't know which it is. Either way, it hurts. How could I have been so stupid, so wrong? At least I know now. And I won't be stupid anymore. I really must be living in a bubble, or something. Ugh.

Signs, signs, signs. How do you interpret them? I'm freaking out. I'm scared.

Be brave, be brave.

Goodness. You must be wondering what I'm blogging about.

Sometimes, don't you wish you could have someone take you by the hand and show you the right way? So you don't have to handle the confusion.

I'm having a freaking headache.

And oh god, the stupid internet connection. Keeps going.

You know how you admire the amazing people in stories? You know, like William Wallace, or Frodo, or Harry, or Peter Parker. How brave they are, how strong. And you wish, you know, you could be a little bit like that. And maybe you wish you could be offered the opportunity to test yourself, to see if you could be like that. But then when real things happen, it's different, isn't it? I think it's harder than you can imagine. Less fantastical, more real, more painful, infinitely scarier.

I think. I am a closet drama queen. Yes, I am. What else can account for this... crappiness.

Right now, I want Season 2 of Prison Break so much, I think I'd do almost anything for it. Anything! Short of crime, at least. Oh, piracy excluded.

Oh whoops. @_@. Will I get arrested for saying that?

Whatever. I WANT SEASON 2!!!

How can anyone have such pretty eyes? It shouldn't be allowed. Wentworth Miller, I mean. Besides, guys should not have the prettier eyes. You know what? TV is detrimental. It sets your standards of beauty so high, you can't possibly find anyone real to match.

Okay, bidding for modules are starting soon. I mean, tomorrow. I shall stop. Toodles.

Okay, fine, I'm not going on a hiatus just yet.

I don't wanna hurt you
I don't wanna make it sway
Like I know I've done before
I will not do it anymore.
I've always been a dreamer
I've had my head among the clouds
But now that I am coming down...
Won't you be my solid ground.

Oh my god... I love this song so much. It doesn't seem to get old with me.

Speaking of which... the song of the Surabaya holiday was... definitely... Taufik's Usah Lepaskan. We are so jiwang.

I should have said something a long time ago. But was lazy. Yes, am back from Surabaya. And have been going crazy over Prison Break. Gosh gosh gosh. I managed to persuade my dad to get us the entire season 1 and we finished it and now I'm dying to get season 2.

So me and sis indulge in stupid music videos on youtube and interviews. But the problem is - gah - they never censor spoilers. We were watching Wentworth on a talk show, I think, and then they suddenly showed a clip from season 2 about someone betraying someone else. I mean, like, COME ON. Give me a warning please! I literally leaped away from the screen, screaming, covering my ears and squeezing my eyes shut. But it's too late, damn it. I can't erase what I know now. I neeeeed Season 2!

Anyway. to speak of Surabaya: It was fun, of course; when has a holiday never been. I think it takes little to satisfy me, anyway. I think a big part of it were the haunted houses at the theme parks. They were scaaaarrry. There was one where a big statued person came leaping at us and my sister fell back onto me in the carriage, screaming her head off. And there was also the part where we had to walk and we stopped next to a wooden coffin, and then it started vibrating. And we screamed. Then it opened. We screamed. And then a plastic corpse jumped out. My sister and me screamed and fell on our butts in shock. Hilarious now, to think of it. There was also a pocong that was put above our heads and we're all staring at it fearfully. Then, as we pass directly under it, it falls like five inches lower, almost to our heads, making me scream like never before while trying to squash myself into the foot space of the carriage.

Oh my god, so funny.

Then there was the animal safari where a rhino tried to chase us. really! We were in a van. Then there were the pretty zebras which were too much to resist, so my dad climbed out of the vehicle, attempting to touch the zebras. But we got spotted by an officer, who got angry. And then we understood why. A rhino started following us! At one point it was really running after us and we were all screaming! But I think the officer was around and made sure the rhino didn't really sondol us or anything.

Okay, there seems to be a problem with photo uploading now. So next time I'll put photos, maybe. Or not. I have an urge to go on an indefinite blogging hiatus. Ta.

It is 3.40 am in the morning. And am wide awake. Because I have stumbled upon wonders and wonders - Ahmad Deedat videos on youtube. Been watching for hours. And even if you hate him because you're Christian, you have got to admire the man's guts. The way he speaks about Christianity and systematically bashes about it, really, makes me cringe for him. In multiracial Singapore where we are so scared to tread on each other's toes, someone like him would surely make you shiver in shock, at his unbelievable audacity. But I suppose, when you believe that God is on your side, you have no qualms whatsoever. :)

When does it finally come to the point where you actually dare to think you've been wrong all along? It's a scary situation.

Tonight was damn fun. I went out, after what seems like a very long time, to have dinner with aunts. Then we went to vivocity, just because. And we sat down facing Sentosa. And then Cik An was telling us how she calculated that all her kids were 62% Indian. And I decided to do for me. Using the concept of genetics (you get half from your mum, and half from your dad), we got this:

44% Malay
25% Indian
19% Arab
12% Chinese

The Malay has all: Bugis, Bawean and Jawa elements. Plus Riau and Terengganu. And the Indian has Malbari and Pakistan. Wah, damn rojak ah. I like. I'm truly Singaporean in a way; very multiracial.

Which is why, when people ask me what race I am, I really don't know what to say. My dad insists we're Arabs cause of the family name. Okay fine. But from my calculations, we're mostly malay. Which makes sense. But then I've been told I don't look very malay. Oh well. What does it all matter in the end. I'm me. I live in Singapore and I'm Muslim.

Our conversation, at one point, turned to the story of my great grandmother on the paternal side. She was apparently born alongside a little white crocodile. No, really. A white crocodile twin. Reallllly. There were such stories in kampong times.

So, am I 1% reptile? Heh. Hints of scaliness within my blood.

And oh my god, to go off topic here, I really love Prison Break. You could watch it just for Wentworth's eyes, but the plot's pretty gripping too. And the romance is picking up! :)

Am rereading my lit text: The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie. The ten-year-old girls are so hilarious. They discuss sex so much but think it's disgusting and scary. And this is just funny.

"I wouldn't like to have sexual intercourse," Sandy said.

"Neither would I. I'm going to marry a pure person."

"Have a toffee."

The toffee part is so incongruous! Haha.

This one is also funny. Sandy makes up stories in her head; this one about Alan Breck from Kidnapped and his lover (herself!):

Supposing that passion struck upon them in the course of the evening and they were swept away into sexual intercourse? She saw the picture of it happening in her mind, and Sandy could not stand for this spoiling. She argued with herself, surely people have time to think, they have to stop to think while they are taking their clothes off, and if they stop to think, how can they be swept away?

Lit will be over soon.

Damn the exams ah. I want to go bowling with my cousins!