Okay, I am done. Looking at past mistakes. Whatever. Never again. Done done done.

Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Be steel.

My brother has been cleaning up his room and as a result the whole house is chaos. What he does is scoop all manner of things into black garbage bags and dumps them at our balcony. The moment I peek into one of the bags, I find something worth keeping. The first thing I found was our old nail clipper that my mum had complained was missing. Today I collected: a whole stack of past year papers for our cousin who has yet to take the As, my GP RJ Bulls, literature guides on To Kill A Mockingbird and Shakespeare, a magnetic chess travel set and the brochures to the ivy leagues (which made my heart ache).

Why is it some people lack sentimentality.

I look through Princeton In Brief and immediately feel like bashing self up. Or do something so I don't feel like... this.

95 percent of the Class of 2008 were in the top 10 percent of their high school classes.

I just feel frustrated.

And Carnegie Mellon actually has a Bachelor of Science and Arts course on Biological Sciences and Psychology. Why am I so dumb and didn't check this out. I can't take the pain.

So stupid. And I took the SATs twice for nothing. Really, man. Urge to hurt self is becoming irresistable. The stupid things I do. About everything. Feel like I can't breathe when I think of my past stupidities. Eeeyaaaah.

If only I had remained ignorant, maybe I'd be happier.

Cannot wait for all the papers to be over!

This whole studying thing has changed. It's more like gambling. My old philosophy was to study everything as humanely possible (yes, nutty, but what to do) but now, it's all about calculated risk and gambling. The amount of knowledge to be learnt seems more than a mountain-load so instead, I calculate the probability of such-and-such concept being tested. So right now, I'm thinking one of the long questions for LSM will definitely be on carb metabolism, so there I go memorising all kinds of dehydrogenases and citric acid reactions. But I will skim through lipids. Learn more on protein structure. Skim through enzyme kinetics. But learn hemoglobin.

Good luck to me.

The other day, this girl came knocking on the door trying to sell me some kiddy-looking coloured markers fashioned in the shape of santa, and rudolph, and all other christmas associations. I told her I wasn't interested. She didn't budge. I told her I would have no use for it. She maintained her stand and said, "Oh, you can buy for your relatives and cousins. The holiday is coming!" And I gave her a look, that probably said, "You have tested my patience. That is so the wrong thing to say." I sort of gestured to my house, my door, me - and said, trying not to be cold, "I don't celebrate Christmas." Her smile dropped a notch and she finally said, "Okay. Sorry." When she left, I rolled my eyes and shut the door.

Really. Why is it that Christmas has become a universal celebration? Hey, I completely respect the fact that it is a Christian holiday. But don't go around exclaiming that we should all have Christmas parties and have Christmas trees and exchange presents. If you're not a Christian, why are you celebrating? Do you even know the significance of this occasion? The same irritating thing happens with Halloween. I hear on the radio Singaporeans celebrating Halloween. What on earth. Maybe some even celebrate Thanksgiving.

The extent Singaporeans go to Americanise themselves is puke-inducing sometimes.

Some holidays are truly sacred. But when it becomes an opportunity for people to party, I get extremely annoyed. Like Hari Raya. If you don't fast or respect Ramadhan, in my view, you have no right to celebrate Syawal, and Hari Raya, my dear, does not apply to you. Note - the word 'raya' means to 'celebrate' a victory.

God, I have so much angst.

Usah biarku bersendirian

Usah biar hati mu di tawan

Usah biar diriku di sini

Seorang menunggu tanpa teman

Usah lepas genggaman tangan mu

Usah biar semua berlalu

Usah terlupa perasaan hati

Pertama kali kita bertemu

Usah lepaskan

support our local talents! taufik's malay songs rock better than his english ones though.

jiwangness is sometimes so nice.

taufik, hady and imran should really join forces. and take the region by storm.

Thought I'll just say, for history's sake, that chem is over. And that I probably wouldn't be doing chem ever again. (At least I don't think I will.)

Feeling excited for holiday trip cause of the video project we'll be working on. yay.

Thought I'd just add another icon for fun.

Isn't this just the cutest? I don't get it - why did JKR make Draco into a ferret in Goblet of Fire? Ferrets are perfectly adorable things (Just look at the picture!) and if her purpose was to make us see Draco in a bad light, I think she achieved quite the opposite. She made Draco into a furry, seemingly cuddly, creature, for God's sake. What's bad about that. Why not a toad. Why a ferret.

I have to do such things - looking at furry animals, I mean. So that I see less of chemical bonds in my head.

Will be flying off to Surabaya on 9th Dec till 17th. We actually wanted to go further away (Morocco for instance) but settled on somewhere closer so that the entire bafadhal clan can go together. I don't know how many of my family will actually be going... but I say near 20. Oh kecoh kecoh. But fun.

I wonder what the theme song for this holiday will be. We always have one for every trip. Well, at least the ones with Hussein coming along. Bringing card games. Oh yay. Am actually anticipating it.

It is less than two days away to chem and the fear is finally sinking in. Oh my goodness. I am very freaked out right now. How how how.

Cannot hyperventilate.

This need to excel thing is going to seriously kill me one day.

Omg. So funny. My dad just got out of his bedroom and creeped down the stairs, hair all tousled and eyes squinting, looking all blur, wondering why the lights are still all on downstairs at close to 1 am. And he was peeking at the tv lounge area. Muaha. Hullo. I'm trying to study here. Trying but constantly getting distracted. But still trying.

But that is so it. I am going to sleep now. Chapter 17 (hell of a chapter. ugh.) unfinished but what the heck.

And, oh, here's a bit of the regional news from CNA:

SINGAPORE : Advanced Medical Optics has recalled 115,000 bottles of its "COMPLETE" contact lens solution in Southeast Asia due to contamination. Due to a problem with the filtration system in its manufacturing plant in China, 2.9 million bottles of Advanced Medical Optics contact lens solution has been contaminated with the ralstonia bacteria, and are being recalled.

Wah. Thanks ah. Take care of your filtration system, man. COMPLETE is like, the most popoular contacts solution and almost my entire family uses it, okay. That ralstonia creature better not be swimming around on my retina. Or my sister's. Or my mum's.

HATE CHEM. Can't stand it. I don't see how I can retain all the stupid reactions in my head. I am glad this is the first and last chem module I'll do.

Oh, fantastic. Got the schedule for teroka seni and it seems lin and me are pretty much dead. Both of us are flying away for holiday and both of us still have to do the publicity stuff. Damn damn damn. I will so keep that vow I made not to be involved anymore.

I'm off to watch House of Wax. What does this tell you about my state of studies.

Just wanna say that: MY GUESTBOOK'S BACK! Not that you, whoever you are, really care. Muaha. But I have missed it. It has funny old messages. And I suddenly miss Nikki. Read her posts and miss her sarcastic crap. And Eunice's posts with those insane smileys just crack me up.

I've been thinking: I should call myself procrastinator extraordinaire. For once in my life, I wish I could finish studying at the time I want to finish studying. Glug.

Went to study math with the "linear gang" today. Of course, we got distracted half the time because the laptop was on and so friendster was easily accessible and some of us could indulge in favourite hobby: rating people's prettiness. Pretty hilarious. Then we had to eat. So again waste time. Then me and hudy went to pray and spotted the Love's Book of Answers on marli's shelf. Which turned out to be some sort of fortune thingy - you ask a question and flip to a page and the page will have your answer. Hudy asked, "Do I love shamiah?" And the book said, "Act as if your heart's in it." Ohohoh. I slapped her in repsonse. After that, the massage chair became the distraction. So all in all, was not very productive. But yay, hudy didn't get lost whilst driving!

OotP trailer is out!!! I must say the three leads have not grown in beauty in the least.

Okay, I know I am a nutcase when it comes to being obsessed with stories, books and tv. But it annoys the hell out of me when some other people seem even more nutcas-y.

For instance, the fact that some fans are petitioning for Dean's potential love interest in Supernatural to get kicked off. For God's sake! Leave it alone! The moment these rabid fangirls heard there was a girl coming into the show, the hate started. Yes, I post about loving Dean yadda yadda yadda, but it's all in the name of fun. I don't go around bashing the girl who might end up with Dean on the show. He's a character, you crazed people; you can't have him for yourself!

Of course, I suppose, part of the hate stems from the whole homo-Wincest thing. If a girl comes into the picture, poor screwed up minds can't enjoy a Dean/Sam in their heads. Not so much. Oh, woe it all. No fandom can escape the clutches of same-sex fantasies. And Supes is the prefect breeding ground for it. Put in a regular girl character, and everything tilts off balance.

Yes, sure, you can argue that homosexuality exists and there will always be people who are inclined towards it. But it's scary when at least 70% of the fandom enjoy it. What is this, I ask you.

Looking at the world of HP fandom, it's clear it has gone completely nuts and we've actually gone beyond homo relationships to trans-species. Things like Hagrid/Giant Squid exist. How do people think of such things? Appalling. I've sort of left HP online fandom because partly, it's hard to find decent things anymore. Gone are the nice fluffy days of Gryffindortower and Sugarquill. Now I'm just waiting for the last book and am sticking to canon, thanks.

I need to get me a D40. Need to. Need to. I don't need a too difficult D80 SLR with too many different functions I have yet to learn about; I just want a basic digital SLR. Please please please. Ever since, I went for raya visiting that day when Abang Shahrul and Kak Wati came along with their D40, I haven't stopped thinking about it. When I held it in my hands, a sense of nostalgia struck me and I realised, goddamn - I miss it. I miss the feeling of a beautiful, sleek SLR. And the sound it makes. Waaaaah.

Isn't it just cooool. I waaaaaant.

Omg. Casino Royale actually rocked. I think I might watch James Bond movies from now on. So what if Daniel Craig's face is wrinkly. He has blue eyes, a hot body for a - wait, how old is he? whatever. - a hot body period, and effortlessly oozes coolness. His eyes are just wonderful and the camera plays with it fiiine. You can actually see him thinking. Yes, I give this Bond my very big stamp of approval.

The action sequences were also very, very cool and entertaining. And real. And just whoa. The free-running sequence in the beginning of the movie was jaw-dropping, really. The black dude was jumping from building to crane to building like a monkey. And Eva Green's character was actually likable! Bond girls are usually UGH-inducing, but she was smart and dispensed witty remarks and not slutty. Yayee. Another good movie on my favourite action movies list.

The reason for my family going back to our habit of late night movies is my brother's completion of his A-level exams. He is being unbelievably annoying at the moment. He sees me with my chem books and goes, "You're.. studying? Wait, studying? What's that?" SO exasperating. He acts as though I haven't gone and done my As before. That feeling of freedom and infinite possibilities? Been there, done that, you nincompoop. But now I realise how much of an illusion that was. gah.

My moods to write are so elusive. And when they do come, they come fleetingly, and at importune moments: like when I'm on the train and am thinking and came across a wonderful idea, or when something funny happens but am outside without my darling compaq.

The day before yesterday Hudy, Khairiah and me got lost in Bugis after math lec because Hudy was driving and didn't know the way to SMU and the rest of us were equally blur. It was hilarious. We went around the fountain of fortune at suntec thrice. And essentially behaved like a nincompoop on the roads. Took out the directory, which turned out to be OLD and had SMU placed somewhere in Bukit Timah. My eyes were about to pop out lah looking for the freaking campus on the map. It took a whole hour for us to get from Kent Vale to SMU. :) SO funny and chaotic. It got so chaotic in fact that we had to stop somewhere near Arab Street and stare at the directory to find our way.

At the suntec fountain roundabout:
Hudy: Eh, which way? Which way?
Khairiah: Aaaah...
Me: I don't know! Nevermind, go one more round! No one's watching us.
Khairiah: *bursts into fits of laughter*
Hudy: Okay, I exit here ah... I think it's here.

- We got out of the roundabout and drive along until there's a turn that says towards Beach Rd -

Me: Okay, we should be going towards that direction...
Hudy: Yar, yar, correct. I think so...

- We drive along some more. -

Khairiah: Oh my god! Hudy! It's the fountain again! *laughs like a maniac again*

And true enough, we went around the fountain again. Making it a total of three times. I was laughing like mad half the time.

Okay gotta get cracking on the budget proposal and finish the horribliest chem prac report ever.

I really dont wanna get involved with anything anymore after this year. No matter how people may say... "We need your help...", "Why not! It's fun...!" or "Please..." I shall learn to say no. I keep getting roped into things I never wanted to do in the first place because I have a problem with decision-making.

Now when I finally feel like getting down to working and studying, I have a freaking budget proposal to complete. And I have no idea what we need the money for seeing as how I wasn't even at the meeting.

Don't clutter up my already cluttered mind, please.

Nowadays, I find it easier to say heck care to most things. Mostly it's because, I think, trying hasn't done me much good over the years anyway. So things that I know I fail at and I don't want anyway, I shall just trash. That's not who I am. So what if people think of me a certain way.

Being true to oneself has a fantastically liberating feeling.

Granny's over at our place again. My brother declared he wanted to learn to cook from her after As. My granny then appallingly says no to it because she worries what his wife would do for him if he cooks for himself - sleep? My jaw almost hit the ground in shock and fury. I immediately insist that she teach him. I swear to God: it is the women themselves who perpetuate this wife-slavehood. My granny, of course, takes my obection lightly and laughs it all away. While my brother goes exasperatingly: "I just want to learn to cook! Who's talking about marriage..."

Sometimes I wish I could put a dam in my brain to stem all these thoughts. I think I may be evolving into a full-blown feminist. Oh dear.

I just sent a letter to future me. So cool. Go to www.futureme.org to send one to yours.

Sometimes I wonder why I even blog anymore.

I can't think like this anymore! It's driving me nuts.

I look at pussy cat dolls on tv and think: Doomsday is near.

Have SS mcq test later this evening and have trouble even reading the freaking textbook. Sometimes the extent of my laziness scares myself. It's a wonder I even got this far.

My computer is being conquered by the Chinese. Everything is starting to become chinese-mediumed and it's annoying the hell out of me. My blogger account has not escaped it! Freaking everything is in chinese! I can't understand anything! I tried to change it last night but it refused to. And I simply cannot afford the time right now. So irritating.

Finally finished lit essay.

It's NUStress now. 3 weeks to exams and am freaking out because my grasp of them chem topics is very, very, very flimsy. I think I have a leftover fear of chem from JC times. Scary crap.

Been also watching The 70s Show on youtube (hence the backlog of schoolwork but whatever, I need to laugh okay.) and love Topher Grace. And Ashton. And Fez! They're so hilarious. And I also watched latest episode of Supernatural and love it more than ever. So freaking exciting. I am such a tv geek. Can't help it.

I miss video editing. And arabic. Once studying crap is over, I'll get on with the raya video. Been intending to use Sami Yusof's music. Yayyeee. It's strange how all my passions lie elsewhere from schoolwork.

It's nice to imagine that I live in a bubble of goodness. Ignore all the pain and the bad stuff. Just take a hold of it, and throw it all out.

Yay! I'm actually updating! No, no, dear bloggie, you have a few more years left in you. Am not abandoning you just yet.

Met up with Jean yesterday!!! Missed her. We had coffee and cake and cookie at Uni Hall's Spinelli. We chatted about school, life, how bleak things seem. Told her to go work at Raffles Hospital when she graduates. I like the people there.

Have to get back to work because of the nigtmare week, which includes three fraking tests and an essay due.

Feeling strangely nostalgic now. Thinking of old friends like Jean.