School was hell today. And there was some mix-up with the timetable. And I keep sniffling. Took some panadol already. Think these kids are driving me mad. I used to be a good kid, what happened to kids like me? Am I now part of an endangered breed?

Can I last till May? I wonder.

One of my dearest feathered friends has opened a very promising business. Come and visit her online jewellery shop. URBAN ATTIC. Pretty stuff, I promise. And you can pay in cash, if you don't have visa!

I watched Le Voyage yesterday. It was reflective, and sad, and really funny at some parts. If you didn't know, it's about a young man driving his father to Mecca for the haj. Naturally, the boy's annoyed that he's subjected to this and resents how his father can't just fly there like everyone else. The movie fits the foreign film genre perfectly - beautiful cinematography, little dialogue and nice and meaningful long stares into space.

I don't know how the whole crew got into Mecca. But they certainly did. How come they got to video Masjidil Haram but when we go there and happen to hold a camera outside the doors, they threaten to shatter it into smithereens? Honestly.

All the sights of Kaabah and terribly crowded roads make me yearn to go back. I love it there so much. It's one of the rare places where I'm something of a majority. It's where a routine life is fulfilling - waking up before dawn everyday for prayer, and see everyone else do the same, is surprisingly joyful and satisfying. And I think I was the best there - nicer to everyone, did not think dark, depressing thoughts. I think I felt hopeful, satisfied and completely unafraid of anything. And when I came back, I tried to sustain that. But it's harder here, where material things sometimes cloud the vision and cause confusion to settle in. And then that feeling crops up again - that everything I do seems somehow pointless. Isn't it funny how we're all going to die, and we don't know when or how, but we behave like we have all the time in the world? I want to be able to die without regrets, and without fear.

Went to register for basic theory test today with Turk. Was worried about that stupid rumour that people my height cannot drive, but there was no discrimination against poor vertical achievement so far. We saw a weird eye-checking machine thing on a counter and it was placed so high, and Eunice joked that maybe that was the height test. But no. Thank god. 27th February is the date to remember.

222 is the nightmare bus. It's packed like sardines every morning and afternoon. I have to squueze in with the rest of the pingyi, east coast and god-knows-what-other-school students every day. Horrible. Sometimes I don't even pay. Besides, adult fare is atrocious. I can finish 10 bucks a week on transport.

Have also started arabic lessons and am so excited because Mudaris (which means teacher in arabic) will make sure I understand it thoroughly and bring me through it all until I can read the newspapers, and books, and converse fluently. And watch Al-Jazeera too. Haha.

Ana Shamiah. Ana mudarisah fil East Coast Primary. Baiti fil Tampines. I'm mixing it with English. Muaha.

I love fridays, despite the fact I have my least favourite lesson; with the P4s: Health Ed. It's so boring and I dont know how to make it interesting for them. Anyway, I love fridays because at least the school day ends early (before 1) and we have dinner outside and a movie ocassionally follows after. Tonight, we might watch that French movie about haj, directed by a Muslim called Ismaeel. Seems intriguing.

Lately, I've always been picturing a shovel in my mind. To dig a hole with. And then for me to jump in and shut the world out, just for a little while. Or maybe, I could have a button for blanking out. Anytime, when my emotions seem to get the best of me, I could just press the button, and think nothing for a while and come back when the urge to scream subsides.

I am a scary, morbid person. Sometimes.

Anyway, have had a week of teaching. And already, the kids are starting to grow on me. At least, the ones I see everyday, and especially those 14 P5 kids whom I teach math. They're very weak in math but some of them truly want to learn. I have the most fun with them. Although they dont know the answers to most questions, they're eager to try. And it's always, 'Cher! Cher! I dont know how...' And there's this absolutely cute boy, not guy cute, but little boy cute... I feel like hugging him sometimes. His name is Said, and he has this irresistable, mischievous twinkle in his heavily-lashed eyes. I was asking him what comes after 999, and he had a look of utter concentration on his face that made me want to laugh out loud and hug him at the same time. And I had to tell him it was 1000.