Don't quite know how to begin. My birthdays are really becoming quite an exciting event for me these past few years. When I was younger, I had lesser surprises, and I suppose looked forward to birthdays less. Although I did receive presents and such.

Well, woke up on the morning of 29th April, feeling perfectly normal. Got out of the house a bit late because I was rushing to print that blardy bio essay at 5.55am, and the printer was being cranky. I had to open and examine the inside of the printer a couple of times. So I caught the later 6.37 train from Tampines. When I got to Bishan, Nikki immediately started flashing her camera at me. Threw me off guard. Haiyoh, and that girl... She went around telling everyone who had the slightest knowledge of who I was that it was my birthday. She even tried to tell Ms Eva Hor. I was getting terrified.

Then we had an uneventful physics prac (where Anan plotted his centroid wrongly), in extremely hot, stuffy weather. And I got progressively moodier because I realised Jean didn't want to go for our planned prata outing. And then Jani decided to join her mugging session at the library! I was getting pretty annoyed. I mean, it's perfectly all right if I get no presents at all. But to want to MUG IN THE LIBRARY AND MISS GOING OUT FOR BREAKFAST WITH ME ON MY BIRTHDAY is pretty unacceptable. So I started to get snappish with Jean, as I do when she starts to bug me. (Haha, sorry Jean dear. But you know, we're practically like sisters. We bug each other and confide in each other.) But I had the hope that she'd change her mind after physics prac, but she didn't! Jani and Jean then parted from the remaining 5 girls in the class (Nikki, me, Jess, Grace and Shaf), saying their 'sorry's that they couldn't join us. By that point I was like... "Okay... Whatever." And tried to rationalise that, you know, perhaps some people do have more discipline than me and prioritise work over everything else. Oh, and Addy had her 'play' time as she always does on Friday, which is fine.

So the five of us went to the bus stop. We took 410 to Upper Thompson Road. And I was not enjoying myself as much as I hoped I would. I remember even forcing myself to smile, because well, at least Nikki was there and she was planning something, even though it was going to be smashing eggs on the top of my head, as I thought it would be. And at least Shaf and Grace and Jess were there.

I ordered egg prata, and was amused at the way Jess took charge of everything and how she's, you know, so assertive. Gosh, she makes me laugh. Oh, had milo dinosaur and realise it really is quite an amazing beverage. So chocolatey and good. Nikki and Grace then disappeared to the Macs toilet for a while and I briefly wondered if they were up to something, but then dismissed any such thoughts because my expectations had fallen low. Then, after we were almost done with devouring the pratas...

Jean and Jani appeared! With a Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie flavoured ice cream, and I remember being completely surprised! There was a candle stuck in the middle of the melting tub of ice cream and someone saying, "Blow! Blow!" So I did, because I was so completely taken aback, I was at a lost of what to do for that moment. Nikki snapped photos. Then I got my presents: A small bouquet of flowers from the girls, a looooong funny letter and body shop goods from Nikki, a gorgeous card with a knitted cover and a pair of dangly blue earrings from Jean. I was so happy. I was completely lifted from my gloomy emotional pit. Exclaimed quite a bit over both letter and card.

From Nikki:

"... today is undeniably one of the most important days ever - you have the right to drink (or refuse) alcohol, (knowing you, you will pick the latter, because firstly, it is haram and secondly it is quite disgusting but anyway, I digress); you can soon start to drive ANDAND AND you can marry. LEGALLY."

"Your blurness merged with the psycho you are is, quite frankly, a lethal laughter-inducing combination."

I cracked up while reading. Because she sounded so funny! And she called me a kacang puteh, otak senget oh so adorably blur girl-thing. Dearest Nikki, I love you lots. Despite everything. Muahaha. Thank you for this and for just, being you.

Oh, Jean's card is just gorgeous! I wish I could frame it up somewhere, but my room is already so cluttered, I dont know where to put it. And she deliberately misspelled my name on the envelope like the photog people almost always do back in RG. *rolls eyes*

Oh, then met Eunice... who got her lip cut with her own teeth when she fell during pe. (Honestly. Please be more careful and protect your god-given facial features.) And Yu Jie called and tried to spook me by pretending that she's nearby. Received numerous smses from all the birds and from other people. Received several wishes... from Yash too. An ecard from jiawen, a post in my gb from yeatian and an email from Sarah Siew. Oh, and we got a replacement for Yash for drama, much to her relief I think.

The birdieocrats have asked me to reserve Monday but won't tell me a thing about what's happening. I'm just supposed to wait for Monday to roll around. And they've also been sending me weird chapters of a weird chain story (or so it seems) about a leprechaun who caused me to shrink, about, inevitably, dearest DM, about some weird Board of Bimbos, about an Albinos Association and about some tanning business. Madness. And have asked me to figure this word out: R _ _ _M _ _ _ God knows what it is.

I got a lamb thingy that holds up paper from sis. Me and sis both adore my dear Elsie. She's so cute. Oh, our poor pet-deprived souls. Nothing from brother, but hey, he's a boy and boys, and all males practically, are like that. Unless it's their girlfriend's birthday.

Got another pair of earrings from rich lawyer aunt. Haha. Expensive ones and am wearing them now. Received money from my other aunts and mum's friend, Auntie Mariam. And umi got me a black sling bag with metallic buckles from Isetan and abah bought me platform shoes from Americaya. Umi was like, "Alah. You're still not taller than me after wearing that." I felt -_- Give up already. I have. And I'm fine with this, really. But sometimes wish I could sprout several inches just to make them happy.

So... I have been having quite a fantastic birthday weekend. Went out today after drama at matin's house (God, his cat is so fat and adorable and like a rug!) to eat lunch with cik dah (after what seems like AGES) and dessert at airport's swensens. It's been nice. And I'm feeling rarely optimistic.

I somehow feel I don't deserve all these nice things. You know how it's nice to get presents but you feel so... bad, for lack of better word, for receiving them. I sometimes think, when I get another present, enough enough! Don't want anymore. Haha.

Bro and sis are watching Jeepers Creepers 2 downstairs and feel compelled to go and see what they're exclaiming about. Haha.

Am 18. Wow. Hard to believe.

Only halfway through Bio S essay. Will not be handing in APQ and Numerical Methods Assignment tomorrow.

Bah.

Less than half an hour to the turn of my age.

Trying to do bio S essay.

And when it is said unto them: Make not mischief in the earth, they say: We are peacemakers only. Are not they indeed the mischief-makers? But they perceive not.
~ Surah Al-Baqarah

That's just so accurate, somehow.

From the Amazing Bouncing Rat by Maya. Conversation between a redeemed-yet-evil (how that can be possible, I don't know) DM and noble HP.

"And, while I'm sure that you're a decent person deep down-"
"Potter!"
"Really deep down-"
"Keep trying."
"Fathoms deep."
"Your universal goodwill and faith in the world makes me positively nauseous."

MiQ first round this week.

And Kingdom of Heaven is coming out in two weeks. Hm. Still don't know if I'll watch.

Feel so stressed these days, I'm getting terrible headaches from it. And am seriously lacking sleep. It seems like I have to do a million things at once and it's driving me mad.

I have family commitments, schoolwork, mcs and photog. That leaves barely anytime for recreation, friends and a life. And it seems I won't be free at all anymore to enjoy next weekend.

On friday, I have to be at about 4 places at once: photog interviews, mld meeting, drama and with family to go get injection for umrah. I wish to have a break. Really, I need a break. I don't know how some people do it - juggle a million things at once. I just desperately need a break. It feels like this whole year is one long torture treatment. And am holding on tightly to my sanity.

I miss the feeling of boredom. I miss being able to wake up in the morning and have the whole day to do whatever I want. Shouldn't life be like that?

Just had one of those episodes of mine - where I wallow in depression and self-derision. Why do I try to please everyone? Why do I try damn hard to be perfect and good and nice when I well know it's unattainable anyway? And then when I fall short of what I think I should be, the whole "I-hate-myself-I'm-incompetent" thing comes about. And bloody hell, why can't I handle confrontations? I hardly ever argue with my sister anymore even though she annoys me to the extreme, simply because I'm tired. I get easily upset when my mum starts raising her voice about the littlest things, and I just shut up and obey because am too sick and tired to defend myself, and I never win anyway. I mean, why can't people be nice?

What's my problem. I seem to think the world is supposed to be a harmonious beautiful place, full of considerate, altruistic human beings who care for each other and the progress of humanity. It so obviously isn't. Why do we work toward such things when perhaps Hobbes is right - we're all inherently greedy and ugly and self-centred, and society serves only to curb our evil impulses? (Feel like rereading the Lord of the Flies.)

In the beginning of the year, I prayed to God to make me not care anymore. Am tired of caring about stupid things. Am tired of worrying about how people feel. Am tired of thinking that am never good enough. Why can't I be one of those nose-in-the-air people who don't give a pipsqueak about how they appear to others? It must be darn nice to be so self-possessed.

And how come I always blame myself for everything. I'm so sick of doing that! Why can't I put the fault on others? I think I should learn to hate others more or learn to love myself more. Preferably the latter. Forgive myself for all the deficiences that I unfortunately possess.

To go completely off tangent here, how does one curb one's imagination? Am infuriating self with silly stories in my head that won't go away. There's no more story to channel it into anymore either.

Oh, yes, should record PW grade: A2. Oh well. At least it's not a B. Received the comments for PW today - for my presentation, Booth wrote: "Seems a bit lost. Waits for slide, waits for thunder too!" Why, thank you. My blurness seeps into everything.

Interviews throughout this week. Am beat.

And only two more SPAs to go for entire school year! Yay.

Had a very amusing day yesterday.

Went out with Jani and Nikki to J8 for lunch after much persuasion on our parts for Jani to come along. Had Long John Silvers (probably 5th time in entire life. don't fancy the fried food much.), talked some about curly hair, and pretty relatives. Then went to Mrs Field's and bought cookies! Some Black Superfudge thing for Jani, the White Chocolate Chip one for Nikki and the Butter Toffee one for me. Munched on cookies and walked around J8. I tried on some shoes. There's a nice Bata sandal! Wish I had had enough money to purchase it then. But then was put off by Nikki laughing at my feet or legs. Hmph. -_- I didn't even want to know what she was laughing at. Hate my legs. Okay, shall not digress into ranting about physical image. Am beyond all that by now. Anwyay, also, looked at iPods and walked around Watsons.

After all that, started to walk back to school. It was cloudy. Was drizzling. Minute droplets that were hardly felt at all.

Saw a boy carrying an umbrella. Nikki made some comment about him being a weakling. Then. It started to pour.

Madness broke out. We made a dash for the bus stop. Then laughed till my stomach hurt. And consequently, the moment we stepped out from any shelter, it started to rain heavier and we concluded it was Nikki. She is accursed. It was hilarious, really. Then we made our way through the labyrinth that is RI and waited for Jani's PRC friend to bring us an umbrella.

When the umbrella, a singular object, came, it was small... and slightly battered. And when Jani opened it, it sort of fell apart. The canvas came off the wire frames. And I started laughing again, because it was like something out of a comedy. It looked like a torture device, or so said Nikki. We managed to hook the canvas back on, somewhat, and laughed all the way back to RJ campus, huddled under that tiny umbrella. Skirt got completely drenched.

Had a really, really nice laugh.

It's annoying isn't it, how a day could be going relatively well, and then lo and behold, someone says something nasty yet true to you, you left that important thing back in school or you've received a horrible grade for the latest GP essay, and then, the day just flips over completely downside.

Am starving. No food in the house. Parents not home. When is the food coming?!

Yay. For once, there's no phy S tomorrow! Can spend time during break lounging around a bit more, and not stress over complicated equations.

Thank god for Yash. Really. I have successfully tugged on her heartstrings and she has volunteered to be Cik Puan. Yash, I love you to bits. I know you can be relied on. Finally, perhaps, I can stick to a single role in the play. And also, if you have to act, you have to come for drama practices, which means that I don't have to be the only girl all the time! Yay. Feminine company is good. Not that drama practices are all that bad. But sometimes I feel extremely alone.

We all die some day. It is just a matter of when and how. Death should not be perceived as the end. For most religions, it is the gateway to the next world, the next adventure. Thus the loss of lives should not give us reason to question our beliefs. No one promised us immortality. In fact, each of us knows we might die anytime. We should have faith in our religions and strive to be true believers of whatever God we believe in. God made us and he will bring us our deaths. What is left is to live our days as if they are our last and not cry injustice when the angel of death comes knocking on our door, especially when we least expect it.
~ GPCT2005, 'Tsunami' question

I just want to save my conclusion of my essay somewhere. So there it is.

Having very entertaining msn convo. 29 April. I want it to come, but at the same time, I don't. It means drama would be nearer and we still haven't done a lot of things. But I want it to come! Cause I miss the birds and am looking forward to whatever antics and fun stuff they've planned, or even if it is just a simple gathering. But 18 is really... old. Am so old. And I can't wait to get surprises. I hope I do get some.

Wish I would stop thinking about certain things. And wish I could will certain things to happen. Or do telepathy or something. Or read people's minds. Or if not, stop imagining things. It's really mind-exhausting.

And I want a digicam!

Dad wants to buy me high heels. He says I need to be at least the same height as sis. But you see. When will I have time to shop? Hello. No time. Weekends are not available. So much work. And am constantly sleepy when am at home.

Oh yes, missed A2 by one mark, for GP. How do people get 43 and 45 marks for essay? Really. Inconceivable.

Went for the wedding reception today. In the first place, I didn't feel like going out at all. Came home late, at 1 am last night - after we sent Ami Ali off at the airport, and after we had some supper. So, woke up at 1030 am. Then had about 2 hours or so at home before having to go out again.

I should probably have done work during that two hours. But tell me how you can just jump into work the moment you wake up. Lazed around for a while. Took a long bath. And by the time I was ready to do work, and brought my file of worksheets to the dining table, it was almost time to get ready and go out.

So I didn't do any work.

My weekend is almost over and I haven't done anything productive!

The brave do not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all.

The Culter Coat of Arms!

Since Jean requested, here it is. Photo 2 under Sowmya's Ethiopian hut.

Had MiQ. The questions are simply mind-boggling.

I got H5N1 mixed up with H1N5! Ugh. But I got the rugby question right. (What is the position of the number 15 player?) And that question where Nabi Daud can melt metal. And that the Arab philosopher is Ibn Rushd. I could not translate Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports into Malay. Forgot the "Hal Ehwal Masyarakat" part.

Oh yes!!! Saw Yusrina. Yaacob. Haha. She looks like the same nice girl. Didn't talk to her though... Should have.

Abang Mamad is now married! It was amusing, watching him tonight. He's like the closest cousin (and even then not so close) to us who's finally gotten married. It'll be exciting if Kaktiyah finally does, or haha, Hefni.

Saw Abang Dollah!!! His hair was whoa! Almost a full-fledged afro. Apparently, they lack barbers in KL. When he saw me, he was like... "How are you...?" Cause it has been a long time. But I couldn't reply anything sensible because I kept grinning and staring at his head, then I exclaimed about his hair. And he replied with something along the lines of "Cool eh?" And widened his eyes teasingly like he often does. Which then hit me with nostalgia of days long gone. The unforgettable London trip, Perth...When we all went on holidays together, and all those nice and crazy times, laughing away like hyenas. I miss those terribly. Time really changes things.

Anyway, when sis and me were at the gates of Ami Akar's house, before we actually entered, we looked at each other and she voiced out my exact thoughts: "I hate social gatherings." Haha. Because we'd be seeing people we barely recognise, not knowing how to make small talk and trying to find a place to sit. It's ugh. Normally, I try to look busy and just smile all the time. Lucky I have my sis. Without each other, we'd be lost.

At the bride's place, it was so packed and hot, I could hardly breathe. And I was tailing all the other photographers with my videocam, and was the only girl. I always get stuck doing such things. It was an Arab-Muslim wedding, but save for the actual ijab kabul and the music, everything was in malay. Hah. And I couldn't believe my dad. In the car, on the way there, he actually jokingly warned my sis and me not to "kenyit-kenyit mata" (winking, eye playing...) with the arab mats. What. @_@ I had no intention whatsoever. Honestly. And besides, me doing that? One day, I will make a point to my dad against all this arab-superiority thing by simply not getting married at all and blaming him for it all because of his insistence on arabs. Or maybe I'll go find a black man and insist on him being the love of my life. Muahahaha. Or better yet, my dear albino. I can't believe I just said that. I'm so asking for it. Haha. But really, I can't stand any group of people who feel they're just superior, be it whites or arabs. Besides, inbreeding is detrimental! Learn some bio.

Got home about 2 hours ago. Was exhausted actually, but wanted to blog badly, so here I am.

MiQ tmr. Doubt I'll know ANY answer. Oh dear.

I can't wait to get my hands on Time Traveller's Wife! Finally. Will be getting it on Monday. Thanks pigey. :)

I have nothing to write about right now... So maybe I'll just give an account of what happened today. Just a normal mundane Sunday.

Woke up at about 6.30 am, after a restless and cold night because I didn't have a quilt. Kept tugging at my sister's but she tugged back. Prayed, had my bath, got ready and left house with mum, dad and bro for Masjid Mydin for our regular religious sermons/talks/class. After that, met up with granny at the mosque, sent her to aunt's house and picked up umar and amir (cousins) to their religious classes in geylang. After that, the four of us headed towards geylang wet market. Bro and me decided we wanted macs breakfast so we split from parents and had big breakfast and egg mcmuffin instead. Amounted to appx $12, when we could have bought mee goreng each for $2.50. -_- My brother bought an extra mcmuffin for himself because he was still hungry and his belly is essentially a large garbage tank. Lounged around in macs for about 45 minutes, waiting for parents to be done with marketing, read Fellowship of the Ring (Just desperate to finish it. So draggy.) and listened to music. Peter Pan's (Indonesian band) Mungkin Nanti is just so niiiiice!!!

After that, walked around geylang and muzika records, bro contemplating whether to buy peter pan or not, waited for sis to be done with her religious class, drank uncle jenggut's bandung drink (too milky for my taste) and we all finally left geylang at 11.30 am. Reached home at 12.

Came online... posted at forum, read some lymond posts at marzipan yahoogroup, chatted to duck and turk.

Went offline at 2pm and fell asleep.

Woke up at 3.50. Prayed and started panicking. Went downstairs and finally started on bio skill A work. Then had to set food for... tea. We all watched the news... Pope John Paul passing away. Cleared food away, then continued on bio.

Close to 7, I was done with bio, and came up. And here I am. Online again. I should go off and study chem. Sigh. Parents are out. Dad went to eat mee goreng, again. @_@ He is seriously noodle-addicted.

Have drama tmr! Yikes. Have yet to memorise lines.

Got a B for Math. At least that's okay. Sigh.

Feel blank right now.