When something goes well at work, it's because I've made someone happy; or I've been made happy. Parents feel good, I feel good. The kid feels good, he's talking, I feel good. My colleagues feel good at therapy team meeting, they do good work, I feel good, I feel like I'm doing my job, my boss feels good. I have good partnerships with external parties and persons, they do good work for me, I feel good and get good work done too. Rather than being purely a 'good' worker, isn't it really about being good with each other? I've seen supposed good clinicians fared not so good in the organisation for not being good with people. (And isn't that a shocking observation; my early assumption was that therapists are essentially people-persons.) Don't take emotional intelligence and spiritual intelligence for granted. They aren't taught, but they're necessary.
And aren't relationships governing even world politics? Who's chummy with whom defines sides and finance and weapons support. It's all relationships. And if relationships affect power and effectiveness and success, then relationships can be, and are, politics. What was it Aristotle said? "The human is a political animal." Or something like that.
Is part of my trouble wanting relationships to be apolitical?
But apparently even I know how to play it when I want to.
Monday, October 07, 2024
Something I read in the book Architecture of Happiness by Alain de Botton kept running through my mind today. That one of the principles of beauty in architecture was about the balance of chaos and order. That a straight line of buildings would be boring; but a straight line of buildings each with its own bursting colour and style would be a sight to behold.
A constant theme in my life is the struggle to maintain my chaos within the boundaries of order. Thankfully, I was born into an orderly family, and an orderly society (Singapore's national mental illness is apparently OCD), and a religion that provides a lot of order and structure. So my chaos has been successfully managed in most instances by these external factors. But I've realised that I've barely learnt to manage my own chaos on a personal level. Everything is often spilling over at the edges; often just on the border of not being sane; messy, disorganised, messy. Sometimes I do wonder if I have some version of high-functioning ADHD perhaps (as one of my close colleagues discovered in adulthood).
Anyway, my point being, order for all this chaos; that's the key.
Obviously my monthly writing arrangement did not materialise. I had half a mind to start writing monthly chapter reviews of this book I'd heard people talk about called, "Writing To Learn" -- but in between my other reading obligations and pleasures, that never happened either. (Or yet.)
I was on a binge rewatch of Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha today (prompted by Datin S and her brother rewatching it for the umpteenth time!); and in the midst of Hong Du Sik stuttering in front of Hye Jin about not knowing who he really was, I was struck by a wave of emotion.
This round of watching has me appreciating Du Sik even more; not that we didn't already love him from the get-go, perfect boyfriend that he was. But I appreciated his backstory more now -- about wanting to run away back to his hometown and living this... other life. About making things simple and paring it down to a manageable day-to-day and a manageable network of people. I just... related so much to it suddenly. Granted he had fears he did not want to confront, but the essence was the same.
You return to this idyllic, dreamy place where all your roots are, and where your heart can rest. And that's what Du Sik did, and Hye Jin subconsciously did, and what we all simulate as we watch this show. The charm of Hometown is taking you away to this dreamy ideal; and then... you wonder, is this you, or the one you left behind you? Like Du Sik: is he the capable handy man and chief of the village, or the smart, high-flying SNU graduate climbing the corporate ladder? Of course, these two appear like opposite extremes, and life does not necessitate you choosing only one option... but I think it does remain a question, and a choice in some manner.
Truth be told, Du Sik reminds me of E (and Hye Jin reminds me of YJ -- but that's a different topic): in that each is capable of virtually anything if they wanted to, but they choose what seems perplexing to others. How was it Hye Jin described it -- a waste of good resources? I personally find it awesome. When else can you use your smarts for awesome things like making a boat or a house or enjoying the sea and the waves.
The seaside town of Gongjin reminds me of my trip to Udo Island (off Jeju) with E last year. I think Korean small towns (and perhaps islands) have this classic look: simple roads along the rocky coasts, simple cafes, and a lighthouse. There's also a roughness with the people, but at the same time, a familiarity? A chumminess and ease maybe.
Anyway, this show is hitting a little different; I've been feeling even more the urge to pause and settle in a small town haha, and awaaaaay from all the things tugging at me. I mentioned to L that maybe I'm reaching a mild burnout. And need deep rest. Not a weekend, not even a month-long holiday. But a quiet year or something, away from everything. Ah well, I can dream. And brainstorm on the real possibilities.
In the meantime, this beautiful song again, "Here Always":
I made a pact with myself to resume writing, after the inadvertent hiatus that was last year. This blog, except for the year 2023, has witnessed my life since my early teens. And now, I am back...
Because I believe I should write. Writing has served me, and while my life has changed and I can't quite enter the same writing rituals I was used to, I feel like... my soul needs this space. I need to start articulating again, beyond book club, haha. Book Club has grown quite admirably, and I have consistently used it, subconsciously or not, as the space for the expression of some of my inner life. But this blog: was the template. The haven for it. And I feel almost indebted, obligated, to come back.
So here is a first step, to the next segment of life. I'm not sure how my format will change, if at all. I might be more structured with my writing than I ever was previously, by necessity: so it's likely I will do a regular monthly posting (unless it strikes my fancy to slot in something in between). I'm not sure if I should speak on a theme, or let it free flow. I suppose I'll figure it out as we go along.
Ja!
Tuesday, December 27, 2022
I just finished a long appraisal discussion with some psychologists, reflecting on the year, and I am feeling pensive. This is a good time as any to post the requisite annual end-year reflection post, whilst I am in the mood.
I am feeling somewhat slightly more balanced than the morning, when I woke up. I've been mulling, in and out of emotional troughs, that maybe, I've been looking at the question all wrong. I feel like an internal perspective shift is happening, but happening at a creakily slow pace, with the accompanying resistance and squeaks. That's how I feel this end of the year. I also feel the adage is true: life does not necessarily get easier, but that you get better at it the longer you do it. And that makes life better (if I make sense).
I just feel like posting a random cute picture here.
So, in summary, I still feel confused and pained and excited and disappointed and curious and sad and hopeful and afraid... but processing everything in a disarmingly calm manner. I wonder if I am in danger of only observing the world and making commentary of it.
Happy 2023, and may the answers come to me in miraculous ways, insyAllah.
Friday, December 02, 2022
I disrupt my admin work to post this beautiful thing here.
It's been a while since I've posted something BTS.
This is why I've always loved Namjoon and why BTS is as awesome as they are;
the way he just brings poetry across...
and always talking about being real, and authentic, and wanting to get to the depths of things.
Checking in to share that Kamikochi was awesome, and I'll likely want to keep revisiting this place sporadically throughout my life. Of course, we visited some other places in Japan (two new spots for me! i.e. Nara and Kawagoe) but a crazy amount of photos were collected around the River Azusa alone, haha.
It was freezing cold, though frost from overnight was melting.
We trekked from Kappabashi to Myojin Pond (and back around), whilst gushing on the beauty of everything the whole time.
We basically stayed one whole day in Kamikochi...
And ended the evening with piping hot udon (tenpura and fish broth!)
at Yoshimoto, Hirayu Onsen (en route on our bus journey back).
The perfect dinner to wrap up a gorgeous day.
6PM is basically pitch black in the Hida mountains in November, and we huddled back to our ryokan, Kazeya, from our 'Totoro' bus stop in the dark.
At this rate, I'd offer anyone company to visit Japan. Mata ne!
